Unit 4 Skit Script
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Sacraments and Good Old-Fashioned
Common Sense
Starring
Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus, Saint Bernadette, Saint Ignatius, Saint Paul, Saint Pius X
Materials
Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus: scrub brush and empty scrub bucket; apron with pocket
that hold a large roll of masking tape and a butane lighter; Beatles LP record (real or fake)
Saint Bernadette: LP record of Best Loved Hymns
Saint Ignatius: party horn; satchel/backpack; red heart-shaped box of Valentine chocolates
(real or fake, with a few chocolates or stones inside)
Saint Paul: party horn; satchel/backpack; box of Valentine chocolates (real or fake, with a few
chocolates or stones inside)
Saint Pius X: party horn; satchel/backpack; empty wine bottle; large loaf of bread (real or fake)
Staging
• Big cardboard box full of Valentine’s Day decorations such as red paper hearts, “Happy St.
Valentine’s Day” sign, white tablecloth (plastic/fabric), red crepe paper roll, red or Valentinethemed cups, plates, napkins for 5, two vases holding a few red roses (real or fake), two
candlesticks with taper candles.
• Assorted Valentine’s Day treats
• Rectangular table with 5 chairs
• Overhead sign that reads “Party Room”
Scene opens with a sparse-looking party space: a bare table and 5 chairs in stage center with a “Party
Room” sign above it; noises heard offstage before action begins: sound of Thérèse scrubbing floor, then
sound of a door slamming, finally the voices of Saints Thérèse and Bernadette
THÉRÈSE:
(Offstage) Saint Bernadette! Hi, how are you? Ooh, careful! The floor is
wet right there. I wouldn’t want you to slip and fall.
BERNADETTE: (Offstage) Oh, Saint Thérèse! I’m so sorry! I almost knocked your bucket
over; I didn’t see you down there. And I’m fine, thanks. How are you?
© THÉRÈSE: www.findinggod.com
(Offstage) I can’t complain.
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BERNADETTE: (Offstage, laughing) Thérèse, you never complain—that’s one of the
reasons you’re so famous and well loved!
THÉRÈSE:
(Slowly entering the stage on hands and knees, scrubbing with one hand and
pushing a bucket ahead with the other) What people never seem to realize
or remember, Bernadette, is that I really do complain—just never
out loud. (Thérèse pauses her work and sits up, looking back in Bernadette’s
direction.) Any saintliness on my part comes from stifling my tongue,
not my feelings.
BERNADETTE: (Still offstage) Good point, Thérèse. Good point. Say, could you
stop what you’re doing for a minute and help me get this box of
decorations down?
THÉRÈSE: (Getting up, wiping her hands on her apron, and beginning to walk offstage) I’d be
happy to, Bernadette. That looks like a pretty heavy box.
Offstage, grunts and groans followed by the sound of a large cardboard box hitting the floor with a thud
are heard. Next, Bernadette and Thérèse enter the main stage area, pushing and pulling the large box
across the floor—exaggerated gestures and facial expressions indicating its heaviness.
BERNADETTE: Whew! This is a lot heavier than I remember. Okay, let’s stop right
here. (Both women stop to wipe their brows.) Hey, do you happen to have any
tape with you, Saint Thérèse?
THÉRÈSE: (Rummages in her apron pocket, pulls out a roll of masking tape, and holds it up
triumphantly) Ta-da!!
Thérèse runs over to an audience member with the masking tape. As a bemused Bernadette looks on,
Thérèse finds the loose end of the tape and asks the audience member to hold it tightly for her as she backs
up, creating a super long strip of tape for them to work with.
THÉRÈSE: As you may remember, dear Saint Bernadette, I’m also famous for
pointing out that little things mean a lot. Little things like tape.
© BERNADETTE: (Laughing) Little??? Little is not a word I would use to describe your
tape, Thérèse! But maybe we can get our friends here to help turn it
into little circles of tape we can use to hang our decorations.
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The long strip of tape is divided into four smaller strips and handed off to nearby audience members. The
actors demonstrate the type and size of masking-tape circles they need. Then Thérèse and Bernadette grab
the completed tape-circles and begin to decorate with items from the cardboard box: a few large paper
hearts taped and hung anywhere onstage (a wall, back of the chairs, etc.), the “Happy St. Valentine’s Day”
sign, plastic/fabric cloth to cover the table, a few long strands of crepe paper.
BERNADETTE: Okay, that’s a good start. While I go check on the chicken, Thérèse,
would you mind taking care of the music? Needless to say, it should be
music that’s about love. (Bernadette disappears offstage for a moment.)
THÉRÈSE: (Shouting) Sure thing, Bernadette! (Thérèse goes offstage in the opposite
direction, patting her heart and shouting.) You know, the Beatles would be
perfect. (Thérèse reemerges carrying a Best of the Beatles record album. She begins
to sing.) “All you need is love. La, la, la, la, la. All you need is love, la, la,
la . . . .”
BERNADETTE: (Interrupting, returns to the stage with a record album of her own) No, no, no, no,
no. Thérèse, we need something high class, something churchy—like
(singing) “Where charity and love prevail, there God is ever found. . .”
THÉRÈSE: (Singing another Beatles song in response) “Love, love me, do. You know I
love you . . .”
BERNADETTE: (Singing, but perturbed; hand on hip as she turns this into a contest of
competing musical styles) “Joyful, joyful, we adore thee. God of
mercy, God of LOVE.”
THÉRÈSE: (Singing and smiling, bopping her head like a true “mop top”) “She loves you,
yeah, yeah, yeah! She loves you. Yeah . . !”
BERNADETTE: (Exasperated, pulls out all the stops and sings, LOUD and childlike, choppy with
emphasis) “Jesus LOVES me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so.”
THÉRÈSE: (sarcastically and emphatically) Ooh, now that’s what I call “high class”!
Offstage, plastic party horns are heard. Ignatius shouts a greeting when the sound of horns subsides.
© IGNATIUS: www.findinggod.com
(Still offstage) Ladies, never fear! All the guy-saints are here! Let the
Valentine’s Day festivities begin!
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Saints Ignatius, Paul, and Pius enter the stage in a procession line—ceremoniously, like royalty—as they
do a regal-sounding mock trumpet call with their party horns. They pause and play a few bars of an
instrumental version of “All You Need is Love.” When they finish, they laugh and slap each other on the
back—giving high-fives all around, including to a laughing and applauding Saint Thérèse.
BERNADETTE: (Exasperated anew, talks and walks to the front of the stage) Argh! How come
nobody can take this celebration seriously? C’mon, people, get with
it! Valentine’s Day is named for Saint Valentine. You know, a martyr,
celebrated with red hearts and streamers the color of blood. Saint
Valentine took Christian love so seriously that he died rather than go
along with the popular thinking at the time. I hardly think a silly pop
song is appropriate!
Bernadette plunks herself down on the floor, dejected. She sighs and rests her chin in her hands. As the
others speak, she alternately rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
PAUL: Oh, Bernadette, dear Bernadette! Relax! Let it be . . .
Thérèse, Ignatius, and Pius suddenly lean in together and belt out another impromptu Beatles’ classic, the
refrain from “Let It Be”: “Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be-e-e. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. . . .”
PAUL: Come on, Bernadette, we’re supposed to celebrate Christ’s
love, remember?
THÉRÈSE:
(High-fiving Saint Paul again) Well said, Saint Paul! Well said! No wonder
Jesus made you an apostle. What about you, Saint Pius? Do you have a
papal pronouncement to share, any words of wisdom for us?
PIUS:
(Pulling a wine bottle and large loaf of bread from his shoulder bag, lifts both in
triumph) Saint Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a feast day. Feasts
are celebrations, meant to be fun and upbeat! Feasts fill us with
hope and gratitude!
IGNATIUS:
(Stepping in front of Pius and patting his belly with both hands, comically) The best
of them also fill us with our favorite foods!
© Ignatius reaches into his own bag, pulls out a large heart-shaped box of Valentine’s chocolates, holds it
up for all to see, and shakes it for emphasis. Grabbing the wine bottle from Pius, he holds the wine and
chocolates up like trophies. Then, he places them on the table with a flourish. He motions for the other
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saints to do the same with items from their bags or offstage. All but Bernadette pull out festive foods—
showing the audience heart-shaped cakes or cookies, other boxes of candy and placing them on the
table with equal flourish. Pius places his loaf of bread where he will be sitting. Next, all but Bernadette pull
plates, cups, and napkins from the large storage box, arranging them as place settings, as well as two
vases of fake red roses (for either end of the table), two tall candlesticks and Saint Thérèse’s lighter (at the
center of the table).
PIUS: In Rome we call feast days festas.
IGNATIUS: In Spain feast days are called fiestas. Viva la fiesta!
THÉRÈSE: (Striking a flamenco pose near Bernadette) Ole! (Pausing, Thérèse reaches down,
grabs Bernadette’s hands, and attempts to pull her to her feet.) Oh, come on,
Bernadette! Please join the party!
At last, Bernadette shrugs and lets Thérèse help her up. Thérèse guides Bernadette to the table, courteously
pulls the chair out for her, and also pushes her in. Thérèse picks up a red napkin, opens it, and snaps it in
the air before putting it on Bernadette’s lap. Thérèse motions for others to take their places at the table.
She then reaches over and lights both of the candles. Thérèse sits at the empty place beside Bernadette.
Bernadette sighs again and, putting her elbows on the table, rests her chin in her hands. All but Bernadette
pass the empty wine bottle and pantomime filling their cups. All but Bernadette pass the food and
pantomime filling their plates while talking and laughing. Thérèse picks up a chocolate and tries to feed
Bernadette a bite. At the last moment, Bernadette opens her mouth to grudgingly take a bite. When this
happens, all stop talking and cheer for Bernadette.
PAUL: Dear sweet Saint Bernadette, why the long face? Do tell us what’s
bothering you.
BERNADETTE: I don’t know exactly. I guess I’m confused. I mean, I’m already rather
quiet and shy—you all know that. But also I’m confused about the way
Catholics celebrate feast days.
PIUS: How so?
BERNADETTE: Throughout the Church year, we remember Saint Valentine, Saint
Patrick, Saint Joseph—all the canonized saints—on the anniversary of
their birth or death, right? We remember these saints during the Mass.
© IGNATIUS: www.findinggod.com
Yes? And your point is?
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BERNADETTE: Well, the sacrifice of the Mass is a holy thing. So it stands to reason
that the feast days commemorating the saints should be the same. And
then there’s the consecration of the Eucharist itself when we remember
with thanks the love Jesus showed for us by dying on the cross. We
remember too all our dearly departed, who are with us in a special way
in the prayers and intentions of the Mass. I guess what I’m wondering
is how party horns and silly songs fit in. I mean, what does candy
have to do with Saint Valentine? How is green beer a fitting way to
remember Saint Patrick?
THÉRÈSE: (Facetiously) And why must we picture Saint Nicholas in a jolly red suit,
laughing like he’s got a belly full of jelly?
© BERNADETTE: Exactly!
PAUL: (Looking up and down the table) Well, Bernadette, do you remember
that famous passage from Ecclesiastes: “For everything there is a
season . . . a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and
a time to dance . . .” One of the truly wonderful things about the
Catholic faith is our insistence on embracing a sacred view on life. We
believe that both solemnity and celebration are appropriate ways to
show love for God, not to mention love for the life God has given us.
THÉRÈSE: Exactly! All creation reveals the goodness of God—not just holy water
but also the sparkling water that bubbles up icy cold from a freshwater
spring. That’s what makes my “Little Way” so popular with folks.
IGNATIUS: People know—in their heart of hearts they know—that they can
experience God in many and ordinary ways. For some though, I
suppose that’s as hard to fathom as the miracle that takes place daily
during the consecration at Mass.
PIUS: Saint Thérèse and Saint Ignatius both make a good point about
the sacred in everyday life. But let’s not forget that Catholics are
also known for the celebrations that take place inside the church.
Celebrations that are enhanced by the sacramentals of worship—
perfumed oils, incense, special chants, and ornate altar linens. Then
there’s the sacredness in the Church’s rituals for each of the seven
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sacraments: Baptism, Reconciliation, the Eucharist, Confirmation,
Matrimony, Holy Orders, and the Anointing of the Sick. The
sacraments are awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, mysterious encounters
with the divine. Believe it or not, there was a time when children
couldn’t even receive the Eucharist. (Speaking with the air of someone
important) But I, Saint Pius X, changed that when I became pope. And
I think it was a very good move if I do say so myself. All of us, even
children, need God’s grace to face the ups and downs of everyday life.
THÉRÈSE: So, my dear saintly sister, Bernadette, will you finally consent to join us
in our celebration of Saint Valentine today—knowing that God works
in many mysterious ways? And that a taste of grace can be found in a
box of chocolates, even cheap ones? And that Valentine hearts remind
us of the sacrifices true love always makes?
BERNADETTE: (Laughing) Yes, I suppose so. Except . . . THÉRÈSE: (Holding up her hand, in a “halt” gesture) Uh-uh-uh. Wait, I’m not finished.
Will you join this evening’s celebration knowing that our senses are
gifts from God that enable us to enjoy not only the sacred rituals of
an Easter Vigil but also the fragrance of the roses and the glow of the
candles on our table top?
BERNADETTE: Yes . . . THÉRÈSE: Will you then join us in prayer before we move on to our main course,
knowing that eating together—whether it’s partaking in the Eucharist
at Church or eggs benedict at breakfast—is how Jesus wants us to
remember him, feeding our bodies as well as our souls?
BERNADETTE: (Laughing) Yes, yes, yes! If you don’t wrap this up soon, Thérèse,
the chicken is going to burn in the oven and I’ve been working
on it all day long!
© THÉRÈSE: www.findinggod.com
Well, if that should happen, I guess we’d have to wrap up our timely
little lesson on sacredness and the sacraments by belting out “It’s Been
a Hard Day’s Night.”
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BERNADETTE: (Moaning and holding her hands over her ears) As opposed to singing what?
ALL:
(In unison) “The Magical Mystery Tour!”
Bernadette groans and lets her head drop to the table. Everyone laughs.
PAUL: Okay, let’s get serious now and pray so we can eat!
All join hands and pray “Bless us O Lord . . .”
© Skit ends with a robust Amen that closes the prayer.
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Finding God Together • Unit 4 Skit Script
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