Generations – Debbie Gilbert
August 2014 Newsletter
Eldercare • Self-Care • Care for the Caregiver
www.debbiegilbert.ca
(416) 635-7555
[email protected]
© Debbie Gilbert 2010
“I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them
mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.” Maya Angelou
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother
down and then we had tea.” Dylan Thomas
Siblings. We share our earliest years together. We are often each other’s first playmates and first rivals. We
learn important and often challenging life lessons from each other – learning to share, learning to say we’re
sorry, cooperation, loyalty and love. At some point, we leave our parents’ home and create our own adult lives.
Over the span of our lifetimes, we become keepers of family stories. We may form life-long close friendships
with our siblings or struggle with difficult dynamics and as a result, have minimal contact over the years.
And then a change in a parent’s health happens. Suddenly, siblings can find themselves caught in a family
dynamic formed decades earlier while living under their parents’ roof. While intellectually, there is an
understanding that conversations need to take place and important care decisions must be made, emotional
echoes of the past may undermine the ability for siblings to function well during the care journey.
Lost in a Strange Land
So many siblings that I work with tell me that they never imagined being in this strange land of eldercare. They never
imagined that it would be so difficult, that they would feel so off-centred in their life and that so many emotions from earlier
years would bubble to the surface. Even siblings with the closest of relationships fluctuate at times between feeling loving
and protective of their siblings to feeling frustrated and resentful. Divided loyalties abound. Often with families of their
own, siblings can feel caught in a multi-faceted tug of war pulled between parent(s), spouses, children, in-laws, work and
community. Without the opportunity to talk about the needs and concerns that they each have, conflict can quietly (or not
so quietly) take on a life of its own.
Keeping One’s Sight on the Plot
Declining health in parents or other older relatives can be one main storyline that brings adult siblings together. The plot
can be quickly lost as sibling power struggles, personality styles, hurts and jealousies take centre stage. These secondary
stories can undermine plans and paralyze siblings. Remembering who is the focus of concern, identifying personal core
values and having compassion for oneself and each other can help shift people beyond seemingly immovable positions
Working with Debbie Gilbert of Generations does not replace medical care or advice,
financial and/or legal advice that you may require and is not intended to do so.
© Debbie Gilbert – Generations August 1, 2014 Page 1 of 2 to write new family stories. Even if ultimately, close sibling relationships will not result from the care journey, there can be
respectful interactions. People can take comfort knowing that they brought their best selves forward to care for their
parents and honoured personal values. There can be satisfaction in being role models to younger generations within a
family who will have their own future care years to walk.
Sharing the Care
Time and money are two major care challenges siblings face today. Providing care can require significant time: attending
medical appointments, assisting with housekeeping tasks, hands-on personal care such as bathing and dressing,
managing finances, choosing assisted living options and providing emotional support. Time away from work can have a
financial cost for siblings in terms of lost hours worked, lost opportunities for business growth or career advancement.
Typically, one sibling is more involved in providing care than another. While there can be many reasons for this, it is
important to not assume that the main caregiving sibling is OK with this arrangement. As time passes and caregiver
fatigue may set in, resentment can easily build. Open communication to create strategies to share the care can go a long
way in maintaining good sibling relationships.
Acknowledging Loss
It is hard to see one’s parents vulnerable as their physical or cognitive health declines. We want to freeze time and keep
them larger-than-life: independent and capable. People we can still turn to for advice or help. For some, relationships with
parents are strained or even estranged. Recognizing that resolving these conflicts may not be possible, makes care
dynamics even more challenging. It is hard to simultaneously be both adult and child. Roles evolve. There can be
profound loss. Siblings can be a source of comfort and support when dealing with loss and one’s own vulnerabilities.
Walking in Each Other’s Shoes
Siblings likely had hand-me-downs or borrowed one another’s clothes (with or without permission) in earlier years.
Walking in each other’s metaphorical shoes during the care years can go a long way in creating both goodwill and
effective care plans. Perspectives, needs and priorities may be different between siblings depending on their personal life
circumstances at any given time. Talking about and finding ways to make room for these differences can help transform
sibling relationships that are stuck in a childhood time warp to become more mature and healthy relationships.
Expanding the Circle
Increasingly, siblings are caring for older relatives such as aunts and uncles who may never have had children or whose
children predeceased them. Frequently, there are gaps in medical, legal and financial information that need to be filled.
As our population ages, we will see more siblings caring for older extended family. Specific support to help siblings
manage these logistics can help to ensure quality care for those depending on them and reduce caregiver stress.
Siblings can be powerful allies, partners and friends in life. It starts with a conversation.
If you or someone you care about are looking for direction, clarity and support on the care journey including
breaking the ice on important conversations, let’s talk. I can be contacted via my website, email or by phone. I
offer an introductory, no obligation, complimentary, telephone consultation. Self-referrals are welcome.
For more information about the range of services that I offer, please visit the Services section of my website.
Skype sessions are available for individual and family sessions. My popular One Time Consultation can be a cost
effective way for those who want to look at the potential road ahead and plan strategically today.
Feel free to share this newsletter with Gen X’ers, Baby Boomers and older seniors walking the care years.
Debbie Gilbert
Working with Debbie Gilbert of Generations does not replace medical care or advice,
financial and/or legal advice that you may require and is not intended to do so.
© Debbie Gilbert – Generations August 1, 2014 Page 2 of 2