ARE THE “TERRIBLE TWOS” INEVITABLE?
by
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
I recently reviewed a college level child development textbook and I was chagrined to see that the
author, an alleged expert on the subject, referred to “the terrible twos” as a “normal” and
“inevitable” phenomenon of the early years. Unfortunately, this was not an isolated or even rare
event. Far too often, books and articles for both professionals and parents authoritatively state
that an older toddler throwing tantrums on a regular basis is something that cannot be avoided.
The fact is that “the terrible twos,” although common, should not be regarded as either normal or
inevitable. The extreme unpleasantness can be easily prevented via an accurate understanding of
early social development and the application of appropriate parenting practices.
Let’s start at the beginning. Did you know it is impossible to tickle a baby less than three months
of age? When asked why, most parents come up with a physically-based explanation. The infant’s
nervous system hasn’t fully matured yet, the infant’s vocal chords are not yet capable of producing
laughter, etc.
Interestingly, the reason such a young child does not respond to tickling is the same reason why you
can’t tickle yourself. If you rub your fingers on your own ribs, you get no thrill. But if someone
else rubs their fingers on your ribs, hilarity ensues. Tickling is a social event; and it requires not
only the physical sensation of fingers rubbing your ribs but also the knowledge that you are the
“ticklee” and someone else is the “tickler.” Prior to three months of age, a baby doesn’t have a
sense of herself as a separate person. She doesn’t know where she ends and someone else begins.
Consequently, the social awareness necessary for tickling to take place does not exist.
From roughly three to six months, a baby is an extraordinarily delightful social creature. Now that
she has acquired social awareness, she responds with glee to virtually any type of playful
interaction initiated by her parents or anyone else. However, it should be noted that, at this
point, the child is a largely passive partner in the process. Although she happily accepts the
overtures of others, she rarely initiates the interactions on her own.
As she enters the second half of the first year, the infant’s behavior often takes an apparently
alarming turn. Suddenly, anyone other than her parents is likely to be shunned as a social partner.
After a few months of unrestricted gregariousness, she now screams in protest when approached by
Grandma, Cousin Joe, or anyone else who is not a primary caretaker.
This “stranger anxiety” is a typical side effect of the child’s growing cognitive capacities and
increased social awareness. It is almost as if she says to herself, “This interpersonal stuff is fun,
but it’s sort of complicated. Not only do people do things to me, but I’m expected to do things
back. And there are rules for what you do and when you do it. I really need to concentrate if I’m
going to get this down. So, for the next few months, I’m going to focus exclusively on those people
I deal with all the time. I just can’t cope with a lot of folks while I’m learning the fundamentals,
and everyone else is going to have to back off until I get a handle on how all this works and what
I’m supposed to do.”
Then, for the next year or so, the child and her parents enjoy a consistently friendly relationship.
While others may be dismayed to be left out of the loop, mother and father are thrilled to be
having an awful lot of interpersonal fun and are flattered by their “most favored” status.
But then, at about a year-and-a-half of age, something extremely significant happens. One day,
the child realizes that not only is she a “player” in the social game, she actually has power.
Instead of being a passive recipient or a novice reactor, she can actually control social situations.
She can make other people dance to her tune. And the realization that she has this kind of power,
as always, is absolutely intoxicating.
Think about it. Let’s say you woke up tomorrow morning and realized you had the power to fly.
Would you say, “That’s cool. Maybe later, when I get home from work, I’ll check it out.” No.
Immediately, you would have to determine the extent of your newfound power. How high can you
fly? How fast can you fly? How far can you fly? Can you do loop-de-loops and other tricks?
Well, it is the same for the toddler. Psychologically she is forced to test the limits of her social
power. And regrettably, this is most often manifested in what is referred to as “negativism.”
“No” becomes her favorite word, and she adamantly refuses every request, violates every
instruction, and ignores every admonition.
This is a critical point. If parents comprehend the situation, they do not take their toddler’s
routine nastiness personally. Furthermore, they create opportunities for their little one to exercise
her power without having to do so by confronting them. So, for instance, when getting the child
dressed, they avoid saying things like, “Please put on your shirt” or “Do you want to put on your
shirt now?” Instead, they set out the child’s clothes and ask, “Are you going to put your shirt on
first or your pants on first?” This permits the child to be “in charge” within reasonable parameters
and without having to oppose the parents.
Giving suitable choices is a strategy that works well most of the time. Of course, there are
numerous occasions when it simply can’t be employed and a clash of wills ensues. For example,
the child is swinging on the drapes and simply will not be distracted by a more suitable activity and
absolutely refuses to cease and desist when admonished to do so.
Under these circumstances, it is necessary for parents to ensure that they win the battle. Since
the child is not yet capable of comprehending and accepting verbal explanations, this typically
means physically removing her from the offending situation and restraining her until the message
sinks in that such behavior simply will not be tolerated. “Please, sweetheart, the weight of your
body will tear the drapes and it will be expensive to replace them” will have very little meaning
and even less effect at this age.
Dealing with negativism by cleverly creating choices and persistently enforcing discipline when
necessary is not easy. However, it is critical to keep in mind that at this point in development, the
child is relatively small, weak, and unsophisticated. As a result, teaching her that she is cherished
and respected but that she is not the boss is still a manageable task.
The problem is that many mothers and fathers do take negativism personally. They just can’t
understand why their delightful infant has suddenly been transformed into a rather nasty toddler.
And they can’t understand why they have gone from being her favorite people to the constant
targets of her animosity.
2
Consequently, they all too often respond to their child’s behavior by attempting to appease her.
Whenever she says “no,” they scramble around to come up with whatever alternative will satisfy
her or merely permit her to do whatever she seems inclined to do at the moment. This obviously
emboldens the toddler, and she keeps finding ways to force showdowns. She builds an evergrowing sense of social power, and her inclination to be uncooperative becomes more firmly
entrenched with each incident.
This scenario ordinarily continues for several months. The parents put up with it and patiently
wait for their child’s irascibility to pass. Tragically, her behavior only worsens. And then, as she
passes the second birthday, it becomes intolerable. Now she is spending more time outside the
home and her defiance becomes dangerous and embarrassing. So reluctantly, her mother and
father make the decision that they must crack down.
However, they now are dealing with a larger, stronger, and smarter creature that has become
quite accustomed to getting her way. As a result, when the parents do take a stand, the child
reacts with extraordinary guile, vigor, and tenacity. When told to put down the candy bar she has
grabbed while waiting in the supermarket checkout aisle, she throws herself to the floor, thrashes
about, and screams at the top of her lungs until her mortified mother and father give in.
Now, unfortunately but not inevitably, we have a case of “the terrible twos.” After many more
months, the unpleasantness may pass if the parents are willing to fight their way through numerous
painful and public power struggles, or if the child herself decides that cooperation rather than
confrontation is in her own best interests. But, as has been elaborated here, it is far less strenuous
and far more satisfying to simply head off “the terrible twos” at the one-and-a-half year pass.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D. (a.k.a. "Dr. Mike") is a member of the management team at Romp n'
Roll. After receiving his bachelor’s degree in psychology from Columbia University, he earned his
master’s and doctorate degrees in human development from the Harvard Graduate School of
Education, where he also held a position as a researcher with the Harvard Preschool Project. He
may be contacted via e-mail at [email protected].
3