WISE MEN MAKE
PROVERBS
TEN MINUTE PLAY
By Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
All Rights Reserved
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Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
WISE MEN MAKE PROVERBS
By Andy Haynes
SYNOPSIS: What begins as a simple request for relationship advice
quickly devolves into a fast-paced back-and-forth as rival advice men try to
one-up each other with proverbs.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(THREE MEN)
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BILLY (m)
ANSEL (m)
ELMER (m)
-2THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
AT RISE:
BILLY’s home. A couch sits in the middle of the room and a door
stands off SR. On the couch sits BILLY, deep in thought. He is a shy
young man, indecisive and a bit of a doormat. There's a knock on the
door. BILLY, looking perplexed at who would be coming, walks SR
and answers the door. On the other side stands ANSEL, a smiling
man in a suit with a horizontally-striped tie.
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BILLY: Uh, can I help you?
ANSEL: Are you Billy?
BILLY: Um... Yeah... Is there something I can help you with?
ANSEL: You sent away for the complete “Wisdom of the Ancients: At
Home Advice Package”?
BILLY: (Suspiciously.) Yes...
ANSEL: Well, here I am. I'm Ansel. I'm the complete package. (He
moves past BILLY, makes his way to the couch and sits down.)
BILLY: Oh geez, I kinda thought you guys would just send a
pamphlet or something.
ANSEL: Goodness, no! We at “Wisdom of the Ancients” believe in
giving direct one-on-one personal attention to each of our valued
“Complete Package” customers. Our competitors may have copied
this approach by now, but we were the first! So, what problems are
you having that the “Wisdom of the Ancients” can help you with?
BILLY: You gotta give me a minute here. This is all a little weird...
(He rubs his face, trying to organize his thoughts, and stops
suddenly.) Wait, did you say other advice agencies are also
providing this service?
ANSEL: Yes.
As if on cue, there's a knock on the door. BILLY looks at the door and
back at ANSEL. Slowly, BILLY moves SR and opens the door. On the
other side stands ELMER, a smiling man in a suit with a tie that
matches ANSEL’s except that ELMER’s has vertical stripes.
ELMER: Are you Billy?
BILLY: Uh oh...
-3THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
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ELMER: You sent away for the total “Knowledge of the Elders: At
Home Advice Package”?
BILLY: Oh no...
ELMER: Well, that's me. I'm Elmer. I'm the total package. (At this,
ANSEL jumps to his feet with a gasp.) You! (Turning back to
BILLY.) You hired him, too? (He pushes past BILLY and stalks
toward the coach.)
BILLY: I just wanted a couple of books...
ELMER: I should have known you'd try to steal one of my clients.
ANSEL: Oh, that's rich, you accusing me of stealing clients when
you're the one who started up a competing business.
ELMER: Well, maybe somebody shouldn't have fired me.
ANSEL: Well, maybe somebody shouldn't have sucked at their job.
BILLY steps between them before it escalates any more.
BILLY: Guys. Guys. Hey, come on... (They pause and look at him
before he continues.) Maybe we could just get through my
problems quickly and then you could just, you know, leave.
ANSEL and ELMER give each other one last glare. During their next
lines, they step back till they are flanking the couch before BILLY sits
down on it.
ANSEL: I think that sounds like a great idea.
ELMER: So do I. I think you'll be impressed with what the Knowledge
of the Elders has to say about your problems.
ANSEL: And what the Wisdom of the Ancients does to actually fix
them.
More glares.
-4THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
BILLY: Right... (The men compose themselves, brush off imaginary
dust, fix their ties, etc... When they've finished, they stand smiling,
waiting for BILLY to begin.) So... There's this girl... (Knowing
smiles and nods from both men.) And I've never really talked to
her, and I'd like to get to know her, but I don't know, should I just
go up to her and say hi or maybe do something to get her attention
or... I don't know, maybe...
ANSEL clears his throat to interrupt.
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ANSEL: This one is quite simple. The ancients are very clear.
(Pause.) The pen is mightier than the sword.
He begins smiling at ELMER, all the while looking very pleased with
himself. There is a brief pause before BILLY speaks again.
BILLY: Okay... (BILLY turns his head toward ELMER.)
ELMER: Oh tsk tsk tsk, it appears you've missed the mark. (Pause.)
Actions speak louder than words.
He gives a smug look at ANSEL. Another brief pause, as BILLY looks
back and forth between the two men, who don't seem to be paying
him any mind.
BILLY: Right... Thanks... That was very helpful. So I guess I can
handle it from here... (BILLY stands.)
ELMER: No, no, no. You can't. Sit back down, we're just getting
started! (BILLY sits back down, defeated.) Now then... You need
to go about this quickly. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
He who hesitates is lost.
ANSEL: I don't think so. What he needs is to take some time to think
this through. Look before you leap.
ELMER: Oh, you don't think he should strike while the iron is hot?
ANSEL: Act in haste, repent at leisure.
ELMER: Ah, but if he waits too long, she may forget about him. Out
of sight, out of mind.
-5THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
ANSEL: Oh, but that's not so bad. Absence makes the heart grow
fonder. Besides, good things come to those who wait.
ELMER thinks hard on his next move as he and ANSEL slowly circle
the coach, ending up again on opposite sides. BILLY, sensing an
opportunity, stands but is immediately shut down when ELMER
begins speaking before BILLY has a chance. BILLY sits back down.
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ELMER: Time waits for no man!
ANSEL: Touché...
BILLY: Well, guys, that was very impressive. So, I guess you'll just
be... (He trails off, afraid of confrontation.)
ANSEL: We haven't even gotten started yet! (ANSEL cracks his
knuckles. He moves in closer to the couch.) If at first you don't
succeed, try, try again.
ELMER: There's no use beating a dead horse. (ELMER moves a
little closer to the couch.)
ANSEL: Many hands make light work.
ELMER: Too many cooks spoil the broth.
ANSEL: Two heads are better than one.
They break back from the couch, loosen their ties and regroup for the
next round.
BILLY: Seriously, I think it's about time―
ELMER moves suddenly closer to the couch as he speaks quickly to
ANSEL.
ELMER: Better safe than sorry!
ANSEL mirrors ELMER as the two are slowly trapping BILLY in the
middle.
ANSEL: Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
ELMER: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!
ANSEL: Birds of a feather flock together!
-6THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
ELMER: Opposites attract!
BILLY: What does any of this have to do with me?
ANSEL: There's no such thing as a free lunch!
ELMER: The best things in life are free!
ANSEL: The best things come in small packages!
ELMER: The bigger, the better!
They break and circle the couch again. Taking off their jackets this
time and rolling their sleeves up as the intensity increases.
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ANSEL: What's good for the goose is good for the gander!
ELMER: One man's food is another man's poison!
ANSEL: One man's trash is another man's treasure!
ELMER: It's never too late to learn!
ANSEL: You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
BILLY: The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
ANSEL AND ELMER: Silence is golden!
Over the course of the next section, they move very close to the
couch and basically scream over it at each other.
ELMER:
ANSEL:
ELMER:
ANSEL:
ELMER:
ANSEL:
ELMER:
ANSEL:
Two's company, three's a crowd
The more, the merrier!
When in Rome, do as the Romans do!
Above all, to thine own self be true!
Never judge a book by its cover!
Clothes make the man!
Practice makes perfect!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
BILLY jumps up suddenly to scream over the din.
BILLY: Stop it! (Both men pause, startled, and look down at BILLY.)
That's it! Both of you, out of my house! You have hemmed and
hawed and not helped me one iota! (BILLY scurries around
collecting the men's discarded clothing and shooing them toward
the door.)
-7THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.
Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes
Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes
ELMER: But, Billy...
ANSEL: We're not done yet.
BILLY: Oh yes, you are! Take your cheap suits and worthless advice
and move on! (He throws the clothes at them.)
ANSEL: But, Billy...
ELMER: This advice has been around forever. How can it be
worthless?
BILLY has pushed ELMER and ANSEL to the door and stops short
just before he closes it on them.
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BILLY: How? Because maybe real-life problems are too complicated
to be solved by cute little sayings. Especially when you are both
contradicting each other. Honestly, how was this supposed to be
helpful? (BILLY waits for a moment to give ELMER and ANSEL a
chance to respond. Thoroughly cowed, they meekly look back and
forth at each before replying.)
ANSEL: Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
ELMER: Wise men make proverbs―
BILLY: And fools repeat them! (BILLY slams the door on them.)
BLACKOUT.
THE END
-8THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.