CONNECTING THE DOTS: TOUCHING THE INTERSTICES OF MEDIA CULTURE, SOCIETY AND SELF by FELICIA LYNNE HARRIS (Under the Direction of Elli Lester Roushanzamir) ABSTRACT Scholarship, poetry and conversations are interwoven with personal narrative to explore the intersection of media culture, society and self. The author offers personal experience as social commentary. Topics analyzed and reflected upon include how media culture confines Others to specific roles in society. However, critical media literacy skills can empower individuals to challenge and examine the origins of controlling images. INDEX WORDS: Mass media, Media literacy, Media culture, Personal narrative, Postmodernism, Representation, Poetry, Controlling images CONNECTING THE DOTS: TOUCHING THE INTERSTICES OF MEDIA CULTURE, SOCIETY AND SELF by FELICIA LYNNE HARRIS B.A., Columbus State University, 2010 A Thesis Submitted to the Graduate Faculty of the University of Georgia in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree MASTER OF ARTS ATHENS, GEORGIA 2012 © 2012 Felicia Lynne Harris All Rights Reserved CONNECTING THE DOTS: TOUCHING THE INTERSTICES OF MEDIA CULTURE, SOCIETY AND SELF by FELICIA LYNNE HARRIS Electronic Version Approved: Maureen Grasso Dean of the Graduate School The University of Georgia May 2012 Major Professor: Elli Roushanzamir Committee: Peggy Kreshel Pat Thomas iv ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would like to thank my committee chair, Dr. Elli Roushanzamir, and my committee members, Professor Patricia Thomas and Dr. Peggy Kreshel, for their endless wisdom, inspiration, and occasional refuge from my whispering insecurities. I would also like to thank my family and my best friends, Stephanie Feely and Patrice Valentine, for their unwavering support and encouragement. v TABLE OF CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS .............................................................................................. iv INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................. 1 BACK STORY .................................................................................................................. 4 Media Culture ........................................................................................................ 4 Readerly vs. Writerly Texts .................................................................................... 5 Postmodernism and Personal Narrative ................................................................ 7 CHAPTER 1. CRYING MY EYES OUT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT ........................................... 10 2. CLUELESS .......................................................................................................... 15 3. MEDIA ILLITERATE ......................................................................................... 21 4. EMERGENCE OF SELF AS AN “OTHER” ...................................................... 30 5. SITTING BESIDE MYSELF ............................................................................. 40 6. CUTTING THE STRINGS ................................................................................. 51 7. LOVING MYSELF ON A MONDAY MORNING ............................................ 61 CONCLUSION ................................................................................................................ 65 REFERENCES ................................................................................................................ 68 1 INTRODUCTION In the Fall of 2010, I entered a graduate program in Journalism and Mass Communication wide-eyed and eager to learn. Within a few weeks, the brightness in my eyes gave way to shock, disbelief, and often tears. As a millennial and an avid media consumer, my struggle was two-fold. I was grappling with feelings of discomfort in my graduate program while striving to become media literate – to understand how powerful the media are in constructing, and not just representing, reality – at once. To my surprise, conquering the two challenges meant understanding that they were intricately intertwined. As a black female engaged in learning how the media constructs me as the lesser half of two widely accepted binaries, it occurred to me that media culture had undoubtedly contributed to my feelings of discomfort inside and outside the classroom. As I came to accept myself as an Other, I experienced emotional responses to academic texts and personal experiences that many of my white and/or male counterparts would not, and I believe could not share. In academia, I haven’t been able to connect with many Others like me, and I don’t mean that solely on the basis of gender and race. In addition to those widely accepted binaries, I also come from a background of a broken family, lower socioeconomic status, and working class individuals. If you combine these characteristics and search in the media for an outcome similar to mine, I don’t think you will find it. Trust me, I tried. Instead, you will find similar commonly portrayed roles, call them 2 stereotypes or controlling images, displayed on different backgrounds and in different environments. Through mis- and/or underrepresentation of particular cultural groups the mass media have the ability send symbolic messages to viewers/readers about the societal value of individuals that comprise that group (Tuchman 154). This symbolic annihilation absents others like me from higher education and other higher status environments. Media culture helps individuals develop their sense of identity and becomes the foundation for perceptions of the world (Kellner 1). When members of an othered group attempt to step outside the roles of controlling images, they are met with opposition both internally and externally. Not only does society believe that particular individuals don’t exist outside stereotypical confines, but Others may also fall victim to the frame of thinking that they shouldn’t exist outside of those confines. In my first semester, feelings of what I call “media culture shock” often urged me to abandon my graduate program. Without the guidance of faculty members and peers who confirmed my belief that critical media literacy skills were worth acquiring, I might have never empowered myself as an Other and found alternative sources of strength or been able to navigate what I perceived unchartered territory – at least by anyone like me. When it came time to choose what type of media research to pursue, I knew immediately that I wanted to focus on the process of othering. Media literacy turned out to be my best means for combating marginalization, objectification and othering layered on by the media. I wanted to share the lessons I learned by gaining critical media literacy skills in a manner that illustrated how the systemic strands of society cannot be simply taken apart and observed, but must be collectively examined for a complete 3 understanding of their complexity. To do this, I sought out alternative approaches to traditional academic research and writing. In Ethnicity and the Post-Modern Arts of Memory, Michael Fischer explains that ethnographies which juxtapose several voices affect the reader on both the conscious and unconscious levels, providing an opportunity for mutual criticism and mutual revelation from both traditions (8). This text juxtaposes the voices of the academy, personal narrative, remembered conversations and poetry. Using these various voices/languages at once in this form of writing increases the possibility of the text speaking to multiple readerships. Instead of being dependent on one specific form of rhetoric (academic, personal, conversational, etc.) the combination provides several portals of access to an authentic message (Fischer 8), narrated from my own, very personal vantage point, the interstice between media culture, society and personal experience. “One can talk about what we are seeing, thinking, or listening to; a space is there for critical exchange. It’s exciting to think, write, talk about, and create art that reflects passionate engagement with popular culture.” - bell hooks 4 BACK STORY Media Culture Douglas Kellner explains the emergence of a media culture when he states “radio, television, film, and the other products provide the models of what it means to be male or female, successful or a failure, powerful or powerless” (1). The media have long been viewed by critical/cultural researchers as a source of systematic power that is able to shape perceptions, cognitions and preferences by signifying and representing reality for the powerless in a manner so persuasive that they begin to accept the order of things (Hall, “The Rediscovery of Ideology” 75). For those who are deemed the powerless, media culture happens to them in ways that are beyond their individual control, yet affects every aspect of their lives. In today’s society, media and culture cannot be separated. Whether one is watching television, listening to music or reading a magazine, existing in today’s world means constantly being exposed to media messages. Media culture dominates our everyday lives and is the “ubiquitous background” through which we navigate society (Kellner 3). Stuart Hall says the media generates “representations of the social world, images, descriptions, explanations and frames for understanding how the world is and why it works as it is said and shown to work.” More specifically, Hall says “the media construct for us a definition of what race is, what meaning the imagery of race carries, and what the ‘problem of race’ is understood to be… The media are not only a powerful source of 5 ideas about race. They are also one place where these ideas are articulated, worked on, transformed and elaborated” (91). The same could be said about gender constructs. This is problematic because those in power, often white males, construct most of the mainstream media with building blocks that keep the status quo standing. James Lull builds on Gramsci’s theory of ideological hegemony when he asserts that, “mass media are tools that ruling elites use to ‘perpetuate their power, wealth, and status (by popularizing) their own philosophy, culture and morality.” He continues: “the dominant class sets the limits – mental and structural – within which subordinate classes ‘live and make sense of their subordination in such a way to sustain the dominance of those ruling over them” (62). For those coming of age in today’s ubiquitous media culture, it is almost impossible to recognize the process of othering. Without being able to recognize this process, it is difficult to challenge it. This is the source of a sense of powerlessness. By existing in the controlling confines of positions as the Other, one can unknowingly perpetuate their own inferior standing in society. Readerly vs. Writerly Texts At the moment of reading, emotional responses to a text are unavoidable. In The Pleasure of the Text, Roland Barthes described responses ranging from boredom to opposition, community, or as was my case upon my arrival to graduate school, a split between the self and what is read. This is an experience where “the text unsettles the reader’s historical, cultural, psychological assumptions, the consistency of his tastes, values, memories…” (14). For me, it was hard to accept that media scholars were experts on my life’s very personal experiences. Could they really know how dominant ideologies 6 seamlessly weave their way into the lives of Others and materialize in our everyday lives? Barthes also noted that much of what we feel when reading a text depends on whether the writer has constructed a “readerly” text or a “writerly” text. A readerly text is one where “instead of functioning himself, instead of gaining access to the magic of the signifier to the pleasure of writing, [the reader] is left with no more than the poor freedom either to accept or reject the text: reading is nothing more than a referendum.” Traditional texts, including the majority of media research literature, are readerly texts (S/Z 4). Whereas a readerly text seems to happen to a reader, the value of a writerly text is found when the reader transcends the role of being merely a consumer and becomes also a producer of a text. In this experience, the text happens with the reader. The readerly text is a product, but a writerly text can be seen as a production. The writerly text is described as “a perpetual present, upon which no consequent language… can be superimposed; the writerly text is ourselves writing, before the infinite lay of the world… In this ideal text, the networks are many and interact, without any of them being able to surpass the rest.” He adds, “it has no beginning; it is reversible; we gain access to it by several entrances, none of which can be authoritatively declared to be the main one” (Barthes, S/Z 4-5). Ultimately, reading is a labor of language (Barthes, S/Z 11). Because language is a social enterprise, not just a literary convention, it is important to construct texts that give readers access to the fullest meaning possible. Laurel Richardson adds to this notion when she writes: “Language does not ‘reflect’ social reality, but produces meaning, creates social reality. Different languages and different discourses within a given language divide up the world and give it meaning in ways that are not reducible to one 7 another.” She adds to this “what something means to individuals is dependent on the discourses available to them,” (518). Writers who fail to acknowledge the importance of discourse and language leave room for reader interpretations and responses to texts that were not intended during the magical process of writing. Postmodernism and Personal Narrative According to Fischer, writers have had to find ways to incorporate, acknowledge, and exploit increasingly empirical understandings of the context, perspective, instability, conflict, contradiction, competition, and multilayered communications that characterize reality (26). To achieve this in my own work, I decided to take a postmodernist approach to my writing and include personal narrative as a component that was integral to my understanding of media culture. Seeking to explain why things are as they are, I always felt one could point the finger at stereotypes, sexism, the glass ceiling. The world as it was derived from ignorance, living in the Bible Belt, or maybe it was my own fault. Never had I imagined that what I lived had sprung from a media culture re-presenting reality and setting the standards for how individuals navigate society. Therefore, graduate school for me brought moments that tore down my old frames of thinking, assembled new ones and revealed that most of what I thought I understood as truths were media constructs. Altered perceptions caused me to reexamine critical personal moments, memories and experiences through the lens of a larger, more informed method of thinking. In her essay Postmodern Blackness, bell hooks asserts that the scarcity of black women authors in postmodernism and scholarship explains the lack of references to black 8 experience. According to hooks, if postmodern discourse has “opened up a theoretical terrain where ‘difference’ and ‘Otherness’ can be considered legitimate issues in the academy,” then art written, spoken or produced by black women should be better studied and recognized (455). There is no doubt that difference and otherness have been, and continue to be, of interest to academic media research. According to hooks, “the overall impact of postmodernism is that many other groups now share with black folks a sense of deep alienation, despair, uncertainty, [and] loss of a sense of grounding even if it is not informed by shared circumstances” (457). As I prepared to enter this area of research, I sought to create a text that would add to the literature in ways that shared my own experiences as a black woman in the academy. According to Stuart Hall, postmodernism represents an important shifting of “the terrain of culture to popular – toward popular practices, toward everyday practices, toward local narratives, toward the decentring of old hierarchies and the grand narratives.” He continues by adding that popular culture “has connections with local hopes and local aspirations, local tragedies and local scenarios that are the everyday practices and everyday experiences of ordinary folks” (“What is ‘black’” 472). In this text, I speak as an other, narrating my everyday experiences from a vantage point that is credible because it is lived and genuine. This is a sharp as a contrast to works by authors who observe and report the experiences of others by doing research. By exploring personal, lived experiences and applicable academic discourse, my hope is to portray othering in ways that are neither objective nor objectifying. Richardson tells us that a postmodernist stance allows an author to know something without claiming to know everything. An author can still use partial, local or historical knowledge as a 9 method of knowing and tell about the world as she perceives it (518). This form of honesty is what I give to readers in the form of my own memories and conversations with family members and friends. My honest perceptions and reactions are interwoven with threads of critical theory to create my understanding of how media culture shapes in social formation. The absence of extensive discussion or background relating to critical theory applicable to my experience mirrors my perception of my introduction to media research. According to Richardson, writing from the self should strengthen the community of qualitative researchers because it allows us to be more present in our work, as well as more honest and engaged (516). My hope for this text is that it will add to the body of research being done by Others who present themselves through non-traditional methods. I want to provide an experience that does not split readers across gender, race, values or beliefs but offers a starting point for discussion across those boundaries about these processes and how we all can begin invalidating their perpetuation. 10 CHAPTER 1 CRYING MY EYES OUT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT Friday, August 13, 2010 - Blog Entry #1 Maybe if I write all my fears down on paper it will help me to sort them out in my head. Never have I ever been so afraid of so many intangible things… and ideas. What demons have I had in my head that now present themselves daily? And how long have they existed? What fears are my own and what fears are results of others’ fears transposed on me? It feels as though I have the weight of centuries past, present and future on my shoulders and I don’t know why, yet these fears stain my being. As I walk the streets of Athens, Ga., I carry memories of things that are all in black and white. And it’s all black and white. In my mind, I’m screaming at others: “How can you not see this division?” But since so many don’t, or fail to acknowledge that they do, I whisper to myself in a voice much quieter… “Where is the division?” The division is in my mother’s childhood, where her heroes lost their lives fighting for my right to walk down this path. As the first college graduate in my family, I bear this weight. I have embraced my forefather’s struggles and taken on the personal challenge to refuse to let those struggles go in vain. With this challenge, I have also taken on many pains. If I fail, do they fail? If I fail, does my mother fail? If I fail, will my son fail? The division is in our neighborhoods, in our statistics, in our reputations and within our culture, where years later Willie Lynch’s slave-like mentality still penetrates 11 the minds of many – including me, because I sometimes look at others with the same skin color as myself and resent them almost as much as I resent the person who spits derogatory terms out at me like venom on his tongue. Why must they make my journey so hard? All I ever wanted to be was something. Yet I have to work twice as hard to be somebody because historically, the chances of me becoming anything of value to society are slim. I’ve been told repetitively that I can do whatever it is that I want to do; be whoever it is that I want to be. But who do I know that has fulfilled this proclamation? Who do I know that has laid this path out for me? Is there anyone tangible? There’s Oprah. And then there is Maya and authors and speech givers, but whom have I met? I know no one. All around me I see – not failures – but people who were not strong enough, unsupported people who tried and couldn’t see the journey through, people whose circumstances and situations stumped their ambitions – they are the people I know. And now I’ve thrown myself into a world where the finite population of thinkers like me congregate together and abandon what we know in hopes of embracing that which we do not. We are here to learn; yet this process is the same one that pains me. In a room, we mix and mingle and bask in each other’s presence. This is nice for the moment, and then, I remember what I know. This room is not reality. We are all looking away from truth. But everyone is content looking in this direction; I chastise myself for glancing back over my shoulder to observe where I come from. I remember the division. My father is a black man, the typical kind. He is an alcoholic. He put my mother through hell. He abused my sister. He lived his life separate from ours. My mother is a 12 black woman, the typical kind. She was a single mother. She never finished college because she had four kids to raise after her husband abused her daughter and they divorced. She did this all with the poise and grace of a swan and never let us see her sweat. My family is a black family, the typical kind. My sister is addicted to cocaine. She and my brother are felons. At one point we were homeless. We are all broken. And then there is me. I am a black woman. And I see all of this, when I look back over my shoulder. How can I look past this, as I look to my future, the not-so-typical kind? *** I had been waiting anxiously for months to begin my graduate career at the University of Georgia, a premiere, predominantly white institution (PWI) known across the state for its research and academic rigor. Over the course of my first week, I attended two orientations and several socials, meeting and greeting with other students and faculty and staff members. I spoke eloquently with scholars about my future goals and research interests, and even looked over the first pages in my McQuail reader in mass communication theory without feeling completely overwhelmed by the literature. So why then, did I find myself in front of my laptop - writing, questioning my decision of coming to graduate school and crying my eyes out on a Friday night? A different world was opening up before my eyes, a beautiful world in which I had every right to live, but I had never felt more undeserving. Though I had yet to sit through an entire class, the foundation of what would become a painful learning process was already taking shape. Now, looking back on this first entry, I cringe at the problematic words that crafted such a passionate plea of desperation. Because of 13 messages, stereotypes, and ideologies perpetuated in the media and society, I felt as though the personal experiences of alcohol and drug abuse, poverty, and brokenness that I had experienced in my family were somehow typical. Even though I attended socials for students of color, where everyone in the room was busy networking and pursuing similar dreams, I still felt as though I was different. In a world where people were actively pursuing self-advancement, I was certain that black girls like me simply didn’t belong. I would often ask myself: Is this real life? “For reality could no longer be viewed as simply a given sets of facts: it was the result of a particular way of constructing reality. The media defined, not merely reproduced, ‘reality’. Definitions of reality were sustained and produced through all those linguistic practices (in the broad sense) by means of which selective definitions of ‘the real’ were represented. But representation is a very different notion from that of reflection (Hall, “The Rediscovery of Ideology” 64).” It was the second week of my graduate program when I ran my highlighter across these words from renowned critical/cultural theorist Stuart Hall. In our classroom discussion about the text, my professor noted the difference between representation and re-presentation in the media, in which the latter emphasizes the media’s ability to construct messages and present them to audiences as a representation of real life. Hall explains representation as “the active work of selecting and presenting, of structuring and shaping: not merely the transmitting of an already-existing meaning, but the more active 14 labour of making things mean… The media were signifying agents” (Hall, “The Rediscovery of Ideology” 64). I was on an underlining frenzy as my mind began to race with questions. Could the feelings of shock, discomfort and disbelief that I was feeling about graduate school be the result of the media? Had my sense of reality about what life for black girls like me should be been constructed and given to me? And even more, how had I bought into and brought into being these notions of ‘the real’? 15 CHAPTER 2 CLUELESS August 27, 2010 – Blog Entry #4 Before class earlier this week, I spoke with an international student who calls herself Joy because she feels her name is too hard to pronounce or be remembered by Americans. Joy and I briefly talked about culture shock and some differences between her culture and ours. In a different class, another international student shared that her introduction to American media had also induced a case of culture shock. She wonders if we, as Americans, had taken our “freedom of speech” too far; also, she fears that she will not be able to implement what we are learning in her home country, China. Speaking with international students often forces me to reflect on my current situation. No, I do not come from another country, but I definitely came here from a different world. (Hums song: “from where you come from.”1) These students are so eager to get here, so grateful to have arrived, that they are more than willing to lay aside their cultural identities (including their names) and prior knowledge to obtain the quality of education being offered here at the University of Georgia. I question myself, should I be just as eager? *** 1 The theme song for A Different World, a spinoff of The Cosbys where the kids attend college. The second verse of the theme song’s lyrics were: Here's a chance to make it /If we focus on our goals./If you dish it we can take it/Just remember you've been told/It's a different world from where you come from./It's a different world from where you come from (http://www.crazyabouttv.com/differentworld.html). 16 One month before I wrote that blog entry, I was eager. In fact, I had been eager for months. My acceptance letter to the Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communication at the University of Georgia had sat atop the beer cooler at Texas Roadhouse for about two weeks straight. I was a bartender there – the only black one – and I made sure to show off my access granted pass to all of my regulars. The fact that UGA was a PWI didn’t cross my mind more than once. I was used to looking around and seeing few or even no one else who looked like me. I was used to seeing it on television or in the movies too. In my mind, I was Lisa (Lark Voorhies) in Saved by the Bell; Dionne (Stacey Dash) in Clueless. When I was in elementary and middle school, I would come home and watch Lisa breeze through the halls of Bayside High with her trendy outfits and big, curly hair. I can’t count how many times I’ve watched Dionne in Clueless, prancing around with her designer bags and shoes, and making everyone fall in love with her catchy oneliners. Both Lisa and Dionne were the easy-going, generally likeable characters in their casts. And like them, I was just as fashionable, witty, attractive and attention getting as any of my counterparts in any situation. Behind the bar, I could pull off cowboy hats and big belt buckles with pigtails dangling past my shoulders and all the customers loved me. I was very seldom aware of the color of my skin. Fast forward, and not even one month into my graduate career, I had never been so aware of the color of my skin in my life. If the media were truly responsible for making things mean, I ached for meaning behind my struggle with adjusting. I started wondering how would Lisa or Dionne handle college? Then it dawned on me, besides dating college boys, my two favorite characters had never made it to college. Somehow, 17 Lisa didn’t appear with the rest of the cast during Saved by the Bell’s college years and, sadly, Dionne’s story line in Clueless had ended when the credits rolled. Because I didn’t personally know any black women who had gone on to obtain advanced degrees, I begin to scan the list of imaginary role models that I had while growing up. Still haunted by those awful assertions made by Stuart Hall, I decided to talk over the possibility of media influence with my best friend, Stephanie: Me: Do you remember all the shows that we grew up watching? What were some of your favorites? Stephanie: Well, we were raised on The Cosby Show, A Different World, Living Single, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Moesha… Me: And what about Saved by the Bell, Clarisa Explains it All, Home Improvement, and all of those after-school shows? Stephanie: Ehh… We watched those too. “Rather, reality is brought into existence, is produced, by communication; that is, by the construction, apprehension and utilization of symbolic forms… While some environments are easier to feature than others – hence trackless deserts – space is understood and manageable when it is represented in symbolic form. The map stands as a representation of an environment capable of clarifying a problematic situation. It is capable of guiding behavior and simultaneously transforming undifferentiated space into configured, that is, known, apprehended, understood space (Carey 12, 17).” 18 Once I took the time to consider the television programs we watched as children, the patterns jumped out. The casts of these shows were either all or mostly black, or all or mostly white. Moesha and A Different World had characters in college, but they attended Historically Black Colleges or Universities (HBCUs), and the plot centered on the social aspects of school, and not really academics. I couldn’t remember Moesha or Whitley Cooper sitting in actual desks and interacting with professors like the characters in One Tree Hill. Perhaps, it was harder to construct a plot including black female college experiences than it was to envision many other environments. I scanned my mind for images of black females in college, and although I could come up with a handful, the number paled in comparison to representations of white males and females in college. When, or if, television shows or movies (i.e. Higher Learning), showed black females in college they were often on the campus of an HBCU. The re-presentation of college environments implied exactly what I had been feeling all along: black females didn’t belong in college, and if they were at college it should probably be an HBCU. Could this be why I had felt so out of place? Me: What about the first time you realized that society was so divisive? Do you remember that? Stephanie: What do you mean? Me: I mean, when did you realize that things were truly divided among race lines… that there was such a difference between being black and being white? 19 Stephanie: Uhmm… hmm… I guess… Well, that didn’t really hit me until I got to college.2 Me: ... Me neither. “The mass media, especially television, is one way that negative images of black womanhood continue to be impressed upon all our psyches… Negative images of black women in television are not simply impressed upon the psyches of white males, they affect all Americans. Black mothers and fathers constantly complain that television lowers the self-confidence and self-esteem of black girls (hooks, “Ain’t I a Woman” 65-66).” I began reading bell hooks after I confided in a doctoral student in my department the challenges that I was having adjusting to graduate school. After weeks of searching for someone to share my woes, I was happy to discuss things with her because she was also black and I hoped she would have some advice for how I could navigate the trackless desert that stretched ahead of me. Instead, she wanted to help me make sense of the challenges that I was experiencing by reassuring me that larger forces definitely contributed to my despondency. I watched a YouTube clip of hooks speaking on Cultural Criticism and Transformation3 and was floored. The opening captions warned of strong language, but what hit home for me were strong ideas. In hooks’ discussion, she laid out differences 2 Stephanie enrolled in Georgia Southern University in Statesboro, Ga. in 2006; another predominantly white institution. 3 bell hooks: Cultural Criticism & Transformation. Video. Media Education Foundation. Web. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQUuHFKP-9s>. 20 between students she taught at Yale and those she taught in inner city Harlem. According to hooks, what differentiated the two was not their intellectual ability, but their sense of being entitled to a positive future. In the months that I had spent preparing for graduate school, I thought I felt entitled to my positive future. However, the reality was that the moment I found myself in what the media fails to portray as a likely environment, my self-esteem and confidence plummeted as I struggled to find my place. The more time I spent in the classroom highlighting and underlining the words of scholars like Stuart Hall, James Carey and bell hooks, the more excruciating became my discomfort. The process of becoming media literate is painful. For me, it meant understanding and accepting that my role as a black female pursuing an advanced degree didn’t feel real simply because it had not been constructed and/or given to me as a plausible reality. For twenty-two years, I had unknowingly navigated the world using cues from the media, symbolic forms, on how to act like a woman, a black woman, a mother or a daughter. But I had been given no cues about how to deviate from what were commonly portrayed, negative and stereotypical images that I had accepted to be typical. And without those cues, I was clueless. The more I experienced this discomfort, the more I questioned the roles I had previously inhabited with ease. The way that I viewed myself, and the way that I viewed the world, began to change rapidly. My life had become subject to the scrutiny of my new, more informed mode of thinking. I was in media culture shock. 21 CHAPTER 3 MEDIA ILLITERATE September 1, 2010 – Blog Entry #6 Yesterday I posted as a Facebook status that a part of finding yourself is losing yourself in who you want to become. I believe I’m losing myself. It’s like little pieces of the old Felicia are being ripped off of me every day. I believe it comes from being in this environment and the self-realization that comes with it. I have to force myself to answer deep questions about why this black and white thing is such a problem for me. And when I answer those questions, I answer myself truthfully… I feel like I have to if I ever want to find peace within my current situation. While trying to get approved for TriCare insurance, I had to speak openly about my father, something I’ve never had to do. The woman on the other end of the phone wanted to know why my father couldn’t appear in person or on the phone to sign me up for my benefits… “Ma’am,” I paused, “my father is an alcoholic.” I don’t think those words have ever left my mouth. I am almost positive that they haven’t. But it’s true. Last week, my mom revealed to me that my dad had even resorted to drinking mouthwash – that’s how serious his disease is. It’s amazing because until I got here and began thinking about what separates me from everyone else, many of these issues floated underneath the radar, unnoticed and unrecalled. *** 22 It was true that I was losing pieces of myself daily. Looking back at this post I’m amazed at how accurate my word choice was when I used self-realization to describe the process that was occurring in my new environment. I was probably only rambling at the time, but I was accurate in my description of what would happen in graduate school: the development and fulfillment of my potential. Even if it was potential that I questioned, and question, daily. I was knee-deep in the process of becoming media literate, which included learning how to critically analyze media messages for exactly what they were: cues. I was also understanding for the first time what the media doesn’t re-present: reality. “Critical media literacy involves cultivating skills in analyzing media codes and conventions, abilities to criticize stereotypes, dominant values, and ideologies, and competencies to interpret the multiple meanings and messages generated by media texts (Kellner and Share 372).” For me, the first part of this process was completely doing away with my use of the word typical. I had somehow come to believe that having a raging alcoholic and absentee father was typical – no big deal in the black community. Likewise, I don’t think I even blinked when I got the phone call that my brother was being held at the county jail on a possible felony drug charge and needed my help to bond him out. Despite the fact that about a year earlier he was one of the highest scorers on the ASVAB (The Armed Forces Vocational Aptitude Battery test) and had entered the United States Navy with a $40,000 plus signing bonus, his debut at the county jail was to be expected too. 23 We’d all grown up watching the story line being played out on the big screen in popular black films of the 90s – Boyz in the Hood, Friday, Menace II Society, Juice, and the one closest to my brother’s story, Dead Presidents. Black men trying to make it out the ‘hood, with few actually doing so. Unlike the plots of cheesy romance movies, which seldom come to fruition in real life, the plots of the films we grew up watching were being mirrored in thirty-minute segments on the news. Seeing my father with a beer can constantly glued to his hand or my brother in handcuffs was like watching CNN in real life – minus the commercial breaks. “News viewing may be part of a process that makes the construct or cognitive linkage between Blacks and criminality frequently activated and therefore chronically accessible. Prior content studies have revealed that Blacks are linked with criminality more often than Whites in news programming (Dixon 107).” Ironically, it was my father, a retired soldier, who introduced me to the news; he is the reason why I still tune in on nightly news programs several times each week. When I was younger, and before his alcoholism got out of control, we visited him every few years and the only channels he watched were news. I remember questioning him about his odd viewing behavior: Me: Daddy, how come you only watch the news? 24 Him: Because baby, the news is how you know what’s going on in the world… When I was a soldier, and we were in the field, the first thing you’d do in the morning is grab a newspaper so you’d know what was going on. Me: You guys read newspapers in the field? Him: …And that’s about it. You can get mail and you can get the paper, and if you wanted to know what was going on right then, you’d grab the paper. And I believed him. Of course I was a fan of television, and I loved the rare occasion of a family movie night, but whenever I wanted to know what was going on in the world, I watched the news or grabbed a newspaper. Over the course of my lifetime, how many times had I watched the nightly newscast or picked up the paper and shaken my head at criminals and others who I felt were giving “us” a bad name? So many times that I joked about popular stereotypes and failed to question them. I had succumbed to the mindset of “that’s just the way it is.” “Largely, the processes work unconsciously, rather than by conscious intention. Ideologies produce different forms of social consciousness, rather than being produced by them. They work most effectively when we are not aware that how we formulate and construct a statement about the world is underpinned by ideological premises; when our formations seem to be simply descriptive statements about how things are (i.e., must be), or of what we can “take-for-granted” (Hall, “The Whites of Their Eyes” 90).” 25 I was one of them. It hit me like a ton of bricks while sitting in class discussing media culture. Me, Felicia Harris, black woman aged twenty-three; I was one of those people in society who had helped contribute to and perpetuate negative stereotypes re-presented in the media. How so? Because I had bought into those stereotypes by believing in them. Because when the time came for me to tell my father or my brother that they could honestly be more, achieve more and do better, I hadn’t believed it any more than they did. And it wasn’t just with my brother and my father that I had held such low standards, but also with other members in my family, and even myself. “Some commentators argue that the media’s greatest impact is its influence on our pictures of the world… But great media power may reside elsewhere – in media’s ability to shape our cognitions and beliefs (Wartella et al 310).” I was 18 years old and a freshman in college when I found out I pregnant. I was extremely upset, but I wasn’t surprised. I was the youngest of three daughters but the first one to graduate high school without a baby. True, we were a group of teen mothers but I had always considered myself a lady. Maybe. My oldest sister, Melissa4, an on-again offagain cocaine user, announced she was pregnant the month after me. This was her fourth child, her fifth pregnancy. I was living in a small apartment in a big renovated house near the historic district of Columbus, Ga. She, along with her three sons, was living rent-free on the other side of town in a government-aid home. I remember thinking ill thoughts, 4 Names of family members have been changed. 26 ones I dare not repeat here, about her when she told me that her due date was one month after mine. “At its core, the image of the welfare mother constitutes a class-specific, controlling image developed for poor, working-class Black women who make use of social welfare benefits to which they are entitled by law (Hill-Collins 78).” Patricia Hill-Collins listed the welfare mother as one of several controlling images that contribute to the oppression of black women. She says: “Portraying AfricanAmerican women as stereotypical mammies, matriarchs, welfare recipients, and hot mommas helps justify U.S. Black women’s oppression,” (Hill-Collins 69). When my caseworker offered me Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) and other government benefits, I refused to accept them. I remember how badly I wanted to avoid working the system like my sister. Sometimes we would ride up to the health department together, to pick up our WIC or check on her food stamps. We would wait for hours before being seen, in a waiting room with several other young black mothers. Every now and then, I’d see a Hispanic mother or a white mother, but mostly black. Somehow, I had managed to go from graduating from high school with honors to sitting in the same waiting room chair that my sisters had sat in when they were eighteen. However, like my brother’s arrival to the county jail, I was certain that my arrival at the county health department was to be expected as well. 27 When my sister prematurely delivered my niece three days after I had given birth to my son, both she and my niece tested positive for cocaine. The doctors believed it might have been a coke high that made her water break prematurely. I’m not sure. I remember the waddle-like walk I did down the hall to check on her. I had barely recovered from my twenty-two hour labor and delivery process, but I was deeply concerned about my sister and my niece. I remember wondering if I would meet some white social worker in her room, questioning her and holding my niece, threatening to take her away. Losing Aloni, I coined the process in my head. I wondered if my sister would bounce back like the cocaine-addicted Khaila Richards did in Losing Isaiah. That movie was a hit, it still is, and Halle Barry shined. In the hospital, my sister’s hair was disheveled like Halle’s was when she went scrambling through the alley, throwing boxes, searching for her newborn she had left in search of a high the night before. Her eyes had the same dark circles. My niece’s eyes had the same look of innocence as Isaiah. I chose to leave before the social worker came. I wasn’t sticking around for that part of the movie. But she came. White like innocence Infant cheeks ruby red like Nose bleeds She’s got the shivers So swaddle her close 28 Please Just to get another hit Prematurely born, like death Passing through too soon Columbian pure and new Clean like Powder, baby From my father’s absenteeism and alcoholism to my sister’s drug addiction, my life mirrored critical media moments. I had read the same stories in the news and seen them on the TV screen. I had joked with friends about how it was never going to change, and told my brother and sister, angrily, how they would never change. In my graduate courses, I hid behind the shame that accompanied the memories of those conversations as we discussed ways to challenge this exact frame of thinking in a media illiterate society. How could I actively engage in these conversations when I had, up until my arrival in graduate school, been media illiterate myself? Memories that had lain dormant now presented themselves daily. I began to remember my brother telling me how as one of the few, higher-ranking black sailors in his unit, he was often targeted for behavioral issues and attitude problems, even when he was on his best behavior. Ultimately this led to his honorable discharge a month or so before he landed himself in jail. Years earlier, I had overheard my sister recounting how 29 she was constantly scowled at and mistreated by the elderly patients she took care of as a certified nursing assistant prior to her drug addiction and babies number three and four. Eventually she was let go, deemed basically unemployable as a CNA, and while jobless was cared for – along with her children – by the man who would eventually introduce her to cocaine. And the rest of the story played out just like it always does in the movies. 30 CHAPTER 4 EMERGENCE OF SELF AS AN “OTHER” “In telling us about the world – what is true, what is important, what aspects of problems are critical, what positions various groups have on particular issues, what other people are thinking or doing, and what they think are appropriate ways of behaving – the media have the potential to exert enormous influence. The potential is great for an obvious reason: People have just three ways to learn. These are personal, direct experience; interpersonal interaction and the media (Wartella et al 311).” And here I was thinking that so much of what I had learned was the result of spending eight-hour days in school for 14 years of my life. It was difficult for me to grapple with the realization that most of what I believed to be true came from messages in the media. Especially since most of my personal experiences and interpersonal interactions largely mirrored what I saw in the movies and on the news. The identity crisis that had rocked me since I arrived graduate school exacerbated my love/hate relationship with discussions of representation and identity. How is race represented in television show X? How is gender? Are these portrayals positive or negative? And most important to me, are these representations accurate? In class, I listened intently when these subjects arose, but backed away from conversations. I was afraid to reveal that I was a product of media culture’s immanent power. 31 During conversations, and as I blogged or wrote in my journal, I repeatedly wanted to reach out to someone ‘like me.’ Not having anyone like me close by magnified my growing awareness of who I was (and I wasn’t). I was experiencing another important process that happens in several aspects of our everyday lives, but especially through the media: otherness. While other-ing occurs in various aspects of our lives, Douglas Kellner explains how it is particularly evident in media culture: “Radio, television, film, and the other products of the culture industries provide the models of what it means to be male or female, successful or a failure, powerful or powerless. Media culture also provides the materials out of which many people construct their sense of class, of ethnicity and race, of nationality, of sexuality, of “us” and “them” (Kellner 1).” The classification of people into “us” and “them” is the foundation of an other-ing process that the media feeds, building widely accepted binaries in which one side is deemed to be greater or more powerful than the other. It’s one thing to have a strong hunch that something is happening all around you, but being able to recognize a process, and identify it by name, is an unnerving experience. I was onto something when I pushed my friend Stephanie to discuss when we first realized that society was so divided, but I lacked the evidence or the vocabulary to name what I saw and experienced. This was beyond girl talk. The division that had hit me during my first week in graduate school was a symptom of emerging as an other. From that first Friday evening, spent crying my eyes 32 out, I knew that my journey was going to be a struggle. I would trudge through entire days of discouraging thoughts and feelings of loneliness, hiding all this until it crashed in on me during the drive to my apartment. Through tears, I would call someone from home – a family member, friend or old classmate - people who I felt were most like me, and bemoan my predicament. When I described the many wrongs I had suffered, they would agree. I reached out most often to Stephanie, who had already faced culture shock while completing her Bachelor’s degree at Georgia Southern. Not only could she understand where I had come from, but she was the one person who could really understand what I was going through. Until we arrived on predominately white campuses, Stephanie and I inhabited a world where there appeared to be only an “us,” with no signs of “them.” We had never questioned our positions in society because we hadn’t identified any contrasting group. In my graduate courses, I found myself in direct contact and conversation with a different group, and my urge to reach out and identify with others like me grew stronger. “A social group is a collective of persons differentiated from at least one other group by cultural forms, practices, or way of life. Members of a group have a specific affinity with one another because of their similar experience or way of life, which prompts them to associate with one another more than with those not identified within the group (Young 43).” 33 At this point it was no secret that I felt like I didn’t belong in graduate school. Being one of very few black females definitely contributed to that. In addition to the color of my skin, I was also confronted daily with other differences that I had never dwelled on before. My broken family, my lower- to middle-class lifestyle growing up, the fact that I was a first-generation college graduate; all of these factors had united me with my friends and neighbors back home, but now set me apart in the classroom. “Group identification arises, that is, in the encounter and interaction between social collectives that experience some differences in their way of life and forms of association, even if they also regard themselves as belonging to the same society (Young 43).” At the same time I began viewing myself as an Other, in class I was learning about the media’s large role in shaping perceptions of othered groups. It embarrassed me that I, too, had succumbed to media messages about what the lives of people “like me” were supposed to be like. Especially when it came to portrayals of family issues such as my sister’s drug addiction, my father’s alcoholism and my brother’s growing criminality. How had I not noticed that larger social structures, set firmly in place, made it that much harder for individuals, including my own family members, to break free of controlling images? I experienced first hand how difficult it was to navigate what Carey compares to a barren desert – the graduate student that is never portrayed in the media – and I can honestly admit that each day I was tempted to throw in the towel and try my hand at something society would view as a better fit for a black woman. *** 34 September 3, 2010 – Blog Entry #7 Nervous breakdowns are becoming a weekly ritual. Today was the first time that I actually felt like I might not be able to do this. In class, we were discussing research paradigms and somehow the conversation became a sorted mixture of thoughts on class structure, race relations, substance abuse, and nearly every other topic that I care not to discuss. Left and right, my classmates were spurting out what they believed to be “truth” or “fact” – what they think about all of these issues (based on their prior knowledge). All the while I sat in the back, with a lump in my throat that felt as large as a fist. As comments tore through the air and real characters begin to show, I almost wanted to say that they were ignorant, but they’re not. And that’s what pushed me over the edge. I don’t know how to explain the panic, the fear, that I felt when I realized that just as sure as I am black, and that my name is Felicia, other people are grounded in their beliefs – no matter how offensive or damaging they are to me. And what’s even worse is that they don’t realize they’re offensive, nor do they mean to be; it’s just who they are. I politely excused myself from class and rushed down the hall to the door of the single African-American instructor in my department. She wasn’t there. I rushed to the bathroom just in time to catch the tears in the mirror. Get it together, Felicia. I fought with my emotions internally. *** It was all becoming way too much for me to handle. Until this particular day of intense classroom discussion, I had been able to manage my nervous breakdowns. But 35 somehow, what I had been struggling with personally was interjected into the academic discussion and that brought me to my boiling point. I was pulling it together: the media had denied us role models, or what Hall would call signifying agents, affirming black women truly belong in higher education. I was also beginning to understand that in place of a road map for graduate school, the media had provided a set of negative controlling images. My family members had succumbed to these, and I had failed to question them because they were so pervasive. Through our immersion in a media culture, powerful ideologies are transferred and never questioned. Until we start to figure out what questions we should be asking, that is. I was eager to discover how I could learn more about the media’s role in social formation and anxious/scared/excited about my role as a budding media researcher. Once I had begun to identify myself as an Other, I wanted to critically examine how other-ing works in everyday life. In our research seminar, we discussed how various paradigms differ in their approach to research. Ultimately, an individual’s inquiry into knowledge results from his or her particular view of the world. In order to pose questions about the power of the media or the media’s role in social formation, we had to start by answering questions much larger in scope. How did one view the diffusion of power in the world as a whole? What about the nature of social formation and class structure? My class, as usual, consisted of mostly white females, a handful of white males, one black male, and me, the sole black female. Around the table, my classmates gave answers to these questions openly. 36 “The ability for students to see how diverse people can interpret the same message differently is important for multicultural education, since understanding differences means more than merely tolerating one and other (Kellner and Share 375).” We were undertaking a pivotal conversation in our career as budding media scholars. As Carey explains, “to study communication is to examine the actual social process wherein symbolic forms are created, apprehended, and used,” (17). As our professor guided us through our conversation, it became evident that one reason I felt so far removed from these people was that we viewed the world differently, and extremely so. I had witnessed my sister’s downward spiral with drug addiction, and although I harbored some ill feelings toward her, I also understood that her decisions had been shaped partly by factors out of her control. I just couldn’t name them at the time. I had also grew up teetering on the line that separates middle and lower class, and I had watched first-hand how my mother did everything in her power to stay on the upper side of that line, but for the struggle was never ending. As a consensus about power and social formation began to grow around the room, so did the lump in my throat. The comments that I heard, over and over again, disturbed me. One classmate shared her ideas for an easy solution to our society’s war on drugs while another discussed how hard work paid off in the long run if an individual only put forth the effort. I wonder if my complete silence signaled that I disagreed. I refused to join in the discussion because I didn’t see where I could interject. If my classmates honestly believed what they were saying was true, how could I change their perceptions? Not only did I feel defeated and overwhelmed, but I also felt alone. 37 “Much murky water has flowed under the bridge provided by this concept of ideology in recent years… I am using the term to refer to those images, concepts and premises that provide the frameworks through which we represent, interpret, understand, and “make sense” of some aspect of social existence (Hall, “The Whites of Their Eyes” 89).” Did I have it all wrong? Had I been mistaken? Had the people in the classroom missed the movies I grew up with, showing there really was no way out of the ‘hood? Did they not see that certain individuals simply had it harder than others? When I went searching for the only black professor in our department, I was really searching for some back up. When she wasn’t there, I pulled it together and went back into the class, determined to sit back and listen, participate in the discussion, and try to understand how our perceptions of truth could be so different. I realized that if my personal experiences mirrored ideological media constructs, it was time to I lean on my last leg of learning: interpersonal experience. “One can teach how media culture provides significant statements or insights about the social world, empowering visions of gender, race, and class or complex aesthetic structures and practices, thereby putting a positive spin on how it can provide significant contributions to education. Yet we ought to also indicate how media culture can advance sexism, racism, ethnocentrism, homophobia, and other forms of prejudice as well as misinformation, problematic ideologies, and questionable values, accordingly promoting a dialectical approach to the media (Kellner and Share 373).” 38 Looking back, I understand that my emotional reaction to our classroom discussion was a consequence of my emergence as an Other. Although we were all educated and produced in the same society, this my first introduction to what Hill-Collins refers to as binary thinking: “In such thinking, difference is defined in oppositional terms. One part is not simply different from its counterpart; it is inherently opposed to its ‘other.’” Hill-Collins further defines binary thinking as “a way of conceptualizing realities that divides concepts into two, mutually exclusive categories, e.g., white/black, man/woman, reason/emotion, and heterosexual/homosexual,” (Glossary) in which one side of the binary is always seen to be dominant. Binary thinking relies on the individual propensity to identify as a member of a specific group that has an opposing counterpart. Until this classroom discussion, I had never realized just how many taken for granted “truths” I had about the social world. Furthermore, I had never questioned how I had arrived at those conclusions. Ultimately, it wasn’t a matter of who had it wrong and who had it right, but how we arrived at our opposing versions of “truth,” and brought those truths into being, that struck me. This was the first critical moment in which it began to dawn on me how powerful a teaching tool the media is. Suddenly I saw how much there is to learn from engaging in meaningful conversation about how, and what, the media teach. “Ideologies are, of course, worked on in many places in society, and not only in the head… But institutions like the media are peculiarly central to the matter since they are, by definition, part of the dominant means of ideological production. What they 39 “produce” is, precisely, representations of the social world, images, descriptions, explanations, and frames for understanding how the world is and why it works as it is said and shown to work (Hall, “The Whites of Their Eyes” 90).” 40 CHAPTER 5 SITTING BESIDE MYSELF September 29, 2010 - Blog Entry #9 Friday afternoon, before getting on the road I finally met with one of my professors to discuss switching my degree track from thesis to non-thesis. Of course she asked me (like everyone asks me): “So, how’s it going?” But for some reason, in her office – with bookshelves, pillows, pictures, and a couch – I felt compelled to be honest. I cried. I told her about my struggles and how at least once a week I debate going home and leaving the pursuit of this degree right here. I told her that I think what bothers me is that even the black people here are not black like me – as crazy or as ignorant or as rude as that may seem. That’s how I feel. She found it interesting because a lot of research has been done in media studies about the labels of “blackness” versus “whiteness” and feels like that might be an area of interest for me. But it drains me to discuss this. It hurts me… Later, while on the phone with my mother, I finally broke down and told her the truth. I told her this is hard. I told her that I don’t know if I can do this. And it makes me mad. My mother told me that I’m at a point in my life that she faced while in high school. As a “yellow” negro, with freckles and green eyes, my mother was too light-skinned to be accepted by the black kids, and too black to be accepted by the white kids. Now, I find myself at a point where I’m too educated to go back to where I come from, and fit in amongst the crowds – yet, still, I won’t find many like me in the direction that I’m going. 41 *** I headed home for the weekend with so many thoughts in my head. I had come to graduate school to hone my skills as a journalist and join the work force in two years, with an added credential and a stronger résumé. However, the more I learned about the power of the media, the more I wanted to be sure I completely understood the power I would hold in my hands as a reporter. By no means did I want to continue to contribute perpetuating dominant ideologies, the stories that bolster sexism, racism, ethnocentrism and other misinformed views. I was willing to work to understand how powerful social processes – such as othering, marginalization and objectification could be deconstructed and their genesis understood. Driving home, I decided that more coursework focused on the theoretical foundations of the media, and some thesis work, could only make me a better contributor to media culture. In class, I posed questions to my professors and classmates to help make sense of these very big theoretical processes. So when we speak about “the dominant” class, ideologies, social group, etc… just who exactly are we talking about here? And, so then, whom do they exert their power or control over? And how do we know that this “power” is working? I struggled to understand the word dominance in the scope of our conversations: dominant (adjective) – most important, powerful, or influential; overlooking others. Commonly listed antonyms include subservient and submissive. I could understand the differences that comprised binary groups, but I struggled with accepting that in order for one end of the binary to be dominant, it’s opposition had to be somehow lesser than or inadequate. But this is how objectification comes into being. 42 “Objectification is central to this process of oppositional difference. In binary thinking, one element is objectified as the Other, and is viewed as an object to be manipulated and controlled (Hill-Collins 70).” The deeper that I dug into theory, the harsher the words were that I unearthed: manipulated, controlled, subservient. Sometimes I felt like throwing my academic texts off my second-floor balcony and forgetting about what I was learning. But at the end of the day, what I was learning in the classroom mirrored what I had felt since my first day as a graduate student. The more media literate I became, the more my emotions reflected scholarly definitions: I felt as though for years I had been manipulated, controlled, subservient. It had gotten to the point where I could no longer enjoy watching the nightly newscast, for fear of falling subject to yet another skewed re-presentation of reality. It became a game to flip through primetime television shows and look for black women, men, Latinos or homosexuals and determine whether or not their characters a.) existed, or b.) fell into the category of a common controlling image. It felt like I was going crazy. Just when I began to think that I was succumbing to some sort of paranoia, I took a vacation from the textbooks and group discussions and went home for what I thought would be a break. *** February 8, 2011 Blog Entry #14 How hypocritical of me to write against silence only to disappear from my very own blog for more than two months? Very. 43 The truth is, as usual, I’ve gone back and forth about continuing this public expression of thoughts – wondering what’s the point of it all? What’s MY point in it all? What am I trying to achieve, prove, discuss, etc.? But, then I reread my first entry and remembered that I started writing this for myself. As a coping method to a phenomenon that I had no idea of how to approach, let alone conquer. And, in doing so, this has helped me immensely. Over the break, my sister read this blog and told me I was a racist and had issues and even suggested that perhaps UGA was not the place for me. (This was very much so one of the occasions where I debated taking it down and never writing again.) But, I know that neither implication of that statement was true. I am not a racist, and, UGA is definitely the school for me. I returned to Athens this semester at an historical time: the 50th anniversary of the desegregation of the university. Walking on this campus, I look at the posters. Over the weeks, I’ve attended the events, sat in admiration while watching documentaries and reading memoirs, books and other literature about the courageous few who were the first black students to step on this campus – and I feel honored to follow in their footsteps. Looking at my feet on ice the first day I returned to campus, I slipped near the Arch. The arch where just 50 years prior riots broke out and white students shouted “24-6-8, We don’t want to integrate!” However, on this day, a white male student offered me a hand. . . Imagine that. The gravity of that moment, when you think about it, well… there are no words. *** 44 Racist. That was the word that I had been trying to tip toe around throughout the whole year. Sure, I had never been more aware of race in my life, but I’ve always avoided pinpointing race as an issue, let alone the issue. I never wanted to admit that in the binary of white/black, white dominated. Nor had I wanted to admit that in the case of male/female, male dominated. What would that mean for me as a black female? For most of my life, I believed that who I was, internally, mattered. On the surface, society encourages us to believe that each individual matters. Now, however, my media theory courses drove me to confront structural variables, such as race and gender, as factors that construct our intimate thoughts and actions in ways that contradict the idea that individualism actually matters. Identifying race and/or gender as factors in my experiences shook my sense of who I was, as an individual, and I resisted facing that. Consequently, I headed home for school break aiming to single handedly change members of my family, seeking to prove that we were indeed bigger than the societal constraints around us. I started with Marie, my sister who was closest in age to me. She was the one who had stepped up to the plate to care for my father in the worst stage of his alcoholism, and who took in Melissa’s children after the social worker visited her and my niece in the hospital. Some years earlier, Marie had started an adult education program at the local university that could have put her on track to get an undergraduate degree. But she soon dropped out. Given my recent graduate experience, I couldn’t honestly say that I blamed her. As soon as I arrived home, I told her that I could give her my computer and help her look for jobs. She told me that she wanted to go to nursing school and I encouraged her that anything was possible. “If I’ve made it as far as I have with this program, I promise 45 you can do it,” I told her. I wanted to let her know that even if the only black nurse we ever saw was on Grey’s Anatomy, she could do it. Next, I set my eyes on a larger task. My oldest nephew, David, who was also Melissa’s oldest son, had been struggling in school. He fit the stereotype of a coming of age black boy: he exhibited behavioral problems, had a bad attitude, and displayed a blatant disregard for his work. At least that’s what his teachers told me in a conference. I didn’t know if I could believe them or not – it took several attempts for me to get his teachers to meet with me, and when we did, they clearly did not expect David to improve. When David and I discussed what his teachers said, he shared another side of the story. He was juggling an enormous amount of responsibility at home; waking up in the middle of the night to take care of his younger brothers and sister, keeping the house clean and sometimes even cooking for the family while my sister slept in the back room. He was only 12. To make matters worse, he confirmed my worst fears about his academic environment. He told me the teachers and administrators could care less about him, and one teacher had told him in front of the class that she didn’t care if he learned or not because he was going to end up in jail or on drugs anyway. There go those controlling images, I thought. She, too, must have grown up watching those gangbanger movies Boyz in the Hood, Friday, Menace II Society, Juice and Dead Presidents. Poor little black boy Living in the hood With your mama on crack Boy 46 Skip class smoke weed Tote a ghat boy Oh, little black boy Your daddy left ten years ago And never came back boy the man in your house at ten years old – that’s life being black boy sucks for you go’on turn your back boy no need to man up a black Man is still a black boy Headed toward prison Selling mamas crack boy Skipping out on women Leaving trails of black boys 47 Stepping into the role of social activist, I pleaded passionately with my mom and Marie for a plan to help save David. I told them it might be too late for my father or my brother, but not for him. If I could step in now and counteract the expectations crowding in on him, then all might not be lost. I even suggested that he could come live with me, and I’d help get him back on track. My mom didn’t seem to think this was such a good idea. Mom: Felicia, you think you can just come in and save him, well I’ve had four children and I’m telling you it’s not that easy! Me: But mom, we’ve got to do something! If Melissa doesn’t care and his teachers don’t care and no one tells him he can be anything else he’s just going to fall into this trap, don’t you see that? Mom: That boy probably done came and filled your head with lies… I’ve had David in my home before and he’s hardheaded and he’s a troublemaker; you can’t believe everything he says! Me: I know that he’s probably been acting up, but I know a lot of it is because everything that he sees tells him that all he is ever going to be IS a trouble-maker! Mom, I’m learning about this in school and I see it everywhere around me… It’s on the T.V., and in the news, and in the movies, and if we don’t show him that there’s something else in the world how is he going to know?! I just can’t sit back and let this continue to happen around me and not do ANYTHING! Mom: You think you know more about what’s right and wrong in the world than I do?! I might not be formally educated but I’ve been living in this world for fifty-two years so 48 don’t you go throwing that education into this! School can’t teach you about what’s going on out here… And just like that, I was no longer one of “us” either. My mom had been onto something when she alluded to my fence straddling: one foot in academia and one foot out. But I never expected her to be the one to harshly drive that realization home. I was reminded of an article that my advisor had handed to me earlier in the semester, while I sat on her couch drying my tears. In it, a former student of hers attempted to reconcile one of her first experiences going back home after entering into a doctoral program, and finding herself a visitor: “We can talk cash-trash over three-way cell phone calls rehashing “remember when” stories, but I no longer live there. And that matters… The taken-for-granted articulation of sameness is an artifice much like the boundaries of the field or the borders between the researcher, research, and researched (Durham 154).” The lines that once separated the roles of researcher, research and researched had long since become blurry in my mind. I often felt as though I was sitting beside myself, critically examining me through the eyes of someone else. Throughout the semester I had been carrying my othered self to class, analyzing academic texts through the lens of my personal experiences. And on the day of that intense argument with my mother, I found what I thought was my dormant academic self emerging to help make sense of a very personal predicament. Neither side of me could find comfort in the other. After I had 49 gotten off the phone, I was clearly shaken and my sister did her best to offer what she thought were words of comfort: Marie: Felicia, you can’t stress yourself out trying to come home and change everything. Our dad is an alcoholic, your sister is addicted to drugs, your brother has anger issues, and you can’t talk to mama about anything. But you just have to forget about it… there’s nothing you can do; that’s just the way it is. I say, just focus on you and get your degree so you can live your life. Me: But Marie, you don’t know what it’s like sitting in those classrooms, being analyzed by people and not knowing what to say. It’s like we’re a class project, our family is a project that everyone looks at and explains how and why we are who we are. And everyone has the answers except for us. I excused myself from the conversation and went off to a separate room. Once I got alone, I began to weep. The few remaining concepts that I had struggled to understand in the classroom had finally clicked. “Hegemony is the power or dominance that one social group holds over others… [it] requires that ideological assertions become self-evident assumptions. Its effectiveness depends on subordinated people accepting the dominant ideology as “normal reality or common sense… in active forms of experience and consciousness (Lull 61- 63).” 50 When my attempts were shut down and my help shut out, I was forced to realize that I hadn't been making things up, nor was I crazy to imagine that the concepts we explored in the classroom directly impacted my life. Although I wanted to believe that I had existed unharmed by social constraints, my family visit made concepts such as marginalization and objectification glaringly real. I wasn’t just having a hard time adjusting to college life in a new town; I was becoming painfully aware that dominant ideologies determine, to a large extent, others’ roles in society. Once again I found myself grappling with a lesson on how societal constraints impact our sense of individuality. My awareness of this conflict heightened and was marked by a bruised ego and a silent stream of tears, only this time my home had served as the classroom. 51 CHAPTER 6 CUTTING THE STRINGS It took the remainder of my school break to get past the fight with my mother and the conversation with my sister. The experience was so emotionally painful that it was mind numbing, and it days passed before I was able to journal about the big fight as a learning experience. When I was finally able to revisit what had happened, I was struck by the weird feeling of satisfaction in my responses to my relatives’ unconsciousness of the larger processes that shape our perceptions of the social world. The conflict agitated me, but I was okay with accepting my troubles at home as growing pains – evidence that I really was learning something. Just a few months before my visit home, I had been clueless and had struggled to cope with feelings of powerlessness. Now, there was some comfort in the fact that I could identify why I had seen myself as powerless and why my family members still did. I found strength in no longer being manipulated or controlled or subservient in relation to widely accepted “truths” of the world. Certain that the worst part of the learning was process behind me – tearing apart preconceived notions and demolishing any personal boundaries of comfort – I returned to school zealous to learn more. Pull the strings of me internally Direct my moves to 52 appease I make believe I am in control My gestures effortlessly take the shape of my own How little do I know? Yarn work of manipulation Wrap my mind Give thoughts to my brain Allow me to believe One day I will be more than A puppet Cut these strings and live A human set free “Consequently, the gaining of critical media literacy is an important resource for individuals and citizens in learning how to cope with this seductive cultural environment. Learning how to read, criticize, and resist media manipulation can help individuals empower themselves in relation to dominant media and culture. It can enhance individual sovereignty vis-à-vis media culture and give individuals more power over their cultural environment and the necessary literacy to produce new forms of culture (Kellner 2).” 53 Although adjustment to life in Athens, Ga. remained a struggle, I was finally finding my place in the classroom. I no longer sat quietly, doubting my legitimacy the academic space. My test scores and academic achievement attested that I deserved to be exactly where I was; I no longer needed to confirm my role as a student with images of black women commonly portrayed in the media. Instead of looking to my fictional role models Dionne and Lisa for cues about how to feel or act in certain situations, I now thought critically and for myself. My two selves – the othered and the academic – had united and I benefitted from the convergence of their viewpoints. “Critical media literacy involves cultivating skills in analyzing media codes and conventions, abilities to criticize stereotypes, dominant values, and ideologies, and competencies to interpret the multiple meanings and messages generated by media texts. Media literacy helps people to use media intelligently, to discriminate and evaluate media content, to critically dissect media forms, to investigate media effects and uses, and to construct alternative media (Kellner and Share 373).” Although I was aware of othering factors around me such as racism and sexism, I was now less deeply troubled by their existence as I was by how the media helps perpetuate such “isms.” Because of this, I was able to see moments where black women – including myself – were objectified as educational opportunities to raise awareness in others and myself. The more I wrote and incited conversation amongst others, the more I gained a sense of fulfillment. Not only was I learning how to critically analyze and 54 interpret media messages in the classroom, but as a blogger I created alternative media that challenged the status quo. My writing gained importance as a tool to share with others in my life, not in academia, how controlling images in the media subconsciously sabotage our psyches. I used reflective writing and poetry to capture an evening spent dancing in downtown Athens, where it was evident that the DJ and others saw me as merely a sexual object for their preying. I felt myself shoved into the confines of a popular controlling image, but instead of lashing out in anger and shame, I could examine the situation through my newfound lens of critical thinking and be unapologetic for being myself. “Rooted in the historical legacy of jezebel, the contemporary “hoochie” seems to be cut from an entirely different cloth. For one, whereas images of Black women as sexually aggressive certainly pervade popular culture overall, the image of the hoochie seems to have permeated everyday Black culture in entirely new ways (Hill-Collins 82).” The truth is, I have always been big on dancing. I almost find it difficult to believe that any person could sit unaffected by a lively tempo and upbeat musical arrangement. For me, it almost comes natural. I was in the 1st or 2nd grade when my oldest sister taught me how to do this new dance called “the Tootsie Roll.” It was a popular song and dance craze by a group called the 69 Boyz, and as a high schooler she knew it well. A brand new dance so, Grab a partner and get on the dance floor 55 And work them hips a little bit and do that dip a little bit Oh yeah, you got it, no ifs, ands, no buts about it And you over there with the long hair Keep workin that derriere, cause it ain't hard… And it wasn’t hard. As a matter of fact, I took pride in being able to do the Tootsie Roll well. I would even add flares and gestures to make it my own. I’d swirl my hips and move my legs back and forth with the beat of the song. I could Tootsie Roll all the way down to touch the ground and then pull back up. My favorite part of the song was a very emphatic and energetic refrain: Now dip baby dip, come on let's dip baby dip Dip baby dip, just dip baby dip baby dip just dip I feel a whoop comin on, a whoop comin on, I feel a whoop comin on, a whoop comin’ on,… My mom, who around that time was busy working two jobs to pay the bills, was seldom around, and spending time with my sister perfecting my “dip” was a more convenient alternative to sitting alone in my room doing homework. 56 At my elementary school, during recess, a group of us young girls would gather round in a circle and do various chants, clapping our hands and stomping our feet, taking turns jumping in the middle of the crowd to replicate those dances that we saw on the TV screen. Dances that our older sisters taught us at home in the mirror. Dances that we would do with our cousins and our friends at family barbeques. We didn’t realize that the gyrations and pelvic thrusting we saw on the TV screen were the result of black women being hyper-sexualized and misrepresented. We just knew that dancing was fun, and that it was something we could all do together. The first time I read Hill-Collins’ explication of the jezebel, whore or “hoochie,” I cringed at how I had previously been a part of the culture that accepted those images in the media. I’ve always had a love for dance and always wanted to be a dancer. I can’t deny that watching music videos while growing up undoubtedly contributed to that dream. In elementary school I went to a junior Kangarette (the local high school band’s auxiliary) camp where I danced with pom poms at a football game for the first time. In middle school, I praise danced at my church. In high school, I was a Tigerette and danced to the band at the football games. In college, I would just go out on the town and dance. Over the course of time, and through formal instruction, I matured and learned what movements were highly inappropriate and what movement signified actual dance technique. However, I was fully aware that others who weren’t privy to the art of dance wouldn’t be able to differentiate between Hill-Collins’ “hoochie” and me. I used my blog as a platform to share a piece I wrote in an attempt to articulate the conflict between an innate love of dance and the fear of being viewed as sexual deviant. 57 left, right. left, right… a stereotype come-to-life I glide across the dance floor shakin' my thang. left, right. left, right… married to the beat, I am "hoochie mama" a representative of ALL black women and oh, yes, me left, right. left, right… with my thighs gyrating, I see your eyes, spectator feel your sighs, black sister but, this is my song left… right… "She wants to fuck tonight!" 58 boasts the DJ not quite, my brother I just want to dance. left, right. left, right… without the traditional sounds of the conga my now-untraditional conga isn't quite as exotic my people have 'come to America' now I'm from this, America, and my dance is cause for shame left, right. left, right… my hips are stereo-found by the stereo-sound I can't help that I am A black woman (left) innate rhythm (right) I crave movement (left) 59 and I am proud (right) and I am proud Right? What may have been born out of popular black culture’s acceptance of the video hoochie has since matured into a genuine love for movement. I refused to allow myself to feel ashamed about something I love, no matter how others frame my sexuality. I am proud to say that I’m a hip swaying, sometimes pelvic thrusting, hair swinging, armsraised-in-the-air dancer. I knew that several of my friends and family members who follow my blog could relate to this experience, and was pleased by the conversation that ensued after the post went live. I received e-mails, text messages, and inbox messages on my various social media accounts from people who shared how my blog posts and poetry had helped them to view something differently. Those lengthy posts I had once written, full of pain, disdain and anxiety, were becoming further apart and fewer. And I was glad. “When groups often under-represented or misrepresented in the media become investigators of their own meanings the learning process becomes an empowering expression of voice and democratic transformation (Kellner and Share 372).” Finally, I felt free. Inside the classroom, I found solace in the research-as-activism approach to learning about media culture. My presence as an other at the table afforded me the opportunity to engage in countless eye opening and transformative conversations. 60 Sometimes I shared a lesson with others, but many times I found myself absorbing knowledge. Outside the classroom, I shared my critical thinking tips and ideas with others around me – in the coffee shop, during long phone conversations with friends like Stephanie, and during trips home to visit my family. With every class meeting and conversation, I felt myself becoming more empowered. I no longer feared falling prey to the manipulation and control of dominant ideologies in the media. Slowly, I regained my affinity for the news and television programming – it was mostly for alternative forms such as independent filmmakers or non-profit journalism – and with my academic self and othered self forging together as one, I was confident that I would no longer be as susceptible as I had been before. 61 CHAPTER 7 LOVING MYSELF ON A MONDAY MORNING As a poet and blogger, the shift in my perception of the world was evident in my writing. In August, I had spent my first Friday evening crying my eyes out because I had felt so uncomfortable in my skin and environment. My blog posts and journal entries from that time reflect exactly how I was feeling: lost and hopeless. In my second semester, the pieces I wrote revealed a more confident, hopeful person. On a Monday morning in February, I stood in front of hundreds of university stakeholders and prestigious community members to read a poem entitled “The Color of Courage” at UGA’s annual Freedom Breakfast. I had written the poem in honor of the three African-American students who had desegregated the university fifty years prior – heroes that I hadn’t heard about or read about in the media, but since my arrival at UGA had become some of my metaphorical pillars of strength. My skin is brown The color of courage The very essence of what it means to believe To strive To achieve To look straight ahead when chaos surrounds me To laugh to keep from crying 62 To fall down on knees To die Before ceasing trying My skin is brown The color of courage When I look in the mirror I see So many heroes Heroines Legacies Stories Such strength In front of me I see the dreams of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The resistance of Rosa The persistence and dedication of Harriet The ambition of Oprah The intellect of Frederick The truth of Sojourner The change from Obama The resilience of . . . My mama 63 My skin is brown The color of courage I am rich like mahogany My mind is deep like ebony My soul is sable Yes, I’m black, and because of that I am more than able I am more than a shade I am more than my race I am more than just brave I. Am. More. My skin is brown The color of courage My existence and my presence here Is the evidence of courage My existence and my presence here Is the culmination of courage My existence and my presence here Is the perpetuation of courage My skin is brown The color of courage 64 It had all started with my brown skin. It was my skin that had served as the driving force behind my path toward media literacy. I often wonder had I not been black, had I not been a woman, had I not been so disgustingly uncomfortable in my graduate program, would I have spent the time necessary, endured the pain necessary, to become a researcher of mass media? Or would I have skipped out on the theoretical stuff and focused my energy on getting the inverted pyramid down pat – as was the original plan? “Critical media literacy not only teaches students to learn from media, to resist media manipulation, and to use media materials in constructive ways, but is also concerned with developing skills that will help create good citizens and that will make individuals more motivated and competent participants in social life (Kellner and Share 372).” Looking back, I realize that I took an unusual path toward my goal of becoming a successful reporter, but I believe that my journey was more than necessary. I took a detour with hopes of understanding the power that I would have in my hands as a contributor to the media, and along the way regained my power as an othered individual in society. The result has not only been finding my will to forge on in academia, but also realizing that I can use my reporting and writing as a tool to give a voice to the voiceless and challenge commonly accepted truths. 65 CONCLUSION When I originally pitched the idea of using my personal narrative as a means of exploring how the media does othering, how cultural differences are largely related to media constructs, and how gaining critical media literacy skills can help individuals wage the war against those confines, I had no idea how difficult it would be to do just that. As a matter of fact, I was not able to succinctly articulate my goal until this very moment. And even now I may not have said it succinctly – it’s debatable. Writing this thesis has showed me that the ties between the mass media and culture (or media culture), the inner workings of society, and self are extremely tightwoven. I’m not certain that using experimental writing methods, incorporating academic discourse, and revisiting extremely personal memories and conversations have truly conveyed what I now know and hoped to tell about the world. Once I began writing, I often revisited questions that Laurel Richardson poses as problematic to the postmodernist writing process – “How do we put ourselves in our own texts, and with what consequences? How do we nurture our own individuality and at the same time lay claim to “knowing” something?” (517). For me the consequences were both mentally and emotionally challenging. Holding myself to standards of honesty, I had to revisit troubling experiences that were a part of my learning process and retell them through my writing. At times, that meant writing with tears in my eyes, and at others it meant tearing down the mental block that I had put up so that I could forget the powerless place from whence the more-informed Felicia has emerged. 66 In regard to “knowing,” I would find myself examining excerpts from academic discourse that I knew belonged here and asking myself out loud: “This is true, but how do I know this?” The answer would come in the form of those memories; unforgettable conversations, experiences and moments that I spent inside and outside the classroom connecting the dots, or as my chair would say, touching the interstices, between media culture, society and self. When I looked up the definition of interstice, it made perfect sense and applied directly to the academic terrain that I had set out to conquer: an intervening space, especially a very small one. How do we separate ourselves from what we see in the media? How does the mass media affect how we see ourselves? There is indeed a very thin line between the answers to those questions. A line that I sought to explore through my writing. I wanted to share my story, as my own form of research-as-activism. I wanted to offer up my truth as one version of many truths, because I know that many will relate. I also know that for those who won’t be able to relate, at least they may be able to understand, and quite possibly even alter their version of truth. Just this weekend, my mother made her first trip to Athens; we’ve come a long way since our big argument. While she was here, we tackled her usage of the word “ordinary” as it pertained to black people, in the same fashion that I used the word “typical” when I first arrived to graduate school. I shared with her my story and asked her to consider, if there was such a thing as an ordinary black person, what am I? What are the other hundreds of black students who join me on this campus? 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