During our discussion about the book, all of the scouts
said they identified with the girl who felt badly about not
speaking up. But afterwards, the popular girls acted just
as nastily as before to one of the other kids! They later told
me that the girl in the story “didn’t do anything” to deserve
that treatment, but the real girl was “annoying” them.
Joy:
“If you
admonish
a child for
demeaning
behavior, you
may also be
rebuking her
parents.”
What did you do?
Edie: I pulled each of the girls aside individually. “Look,”
I said, “I don’t want to embarrass you, I know you don’t
want to be mean, but your actions are hurting another person who has as much right as you do to have a good time
at this event. If you feel annoyed by someone, find a way
to handle it so that the other person doesn’t feel so badly
that she doesn’t want to come back.” I realized, however,
with some sadness, that the child who was being teased
was different from the others (among children and adolescents, difference often stirs anxiety that can lead to exclusion) and less socially adept. The best I could do was pair
her with another girl who had been somewhat marginalized so that each girl had a friend. I also let everyone
know that teasing was strictly forbidden. My approach
did diminish overt teasing (and, indeed, studies show
that it can be more effective than promoting empathy).
is whistling like a tea kettle,” and (if she knows Susanna will respond favorably) asks Susanna to explain to the
class why this happens, she might be able to diffuse the
entire situation. This approach is no different from handling a tactless remark at a dinner party. The host would
not vilify the person by saying, “Get out!”; someone would
move the conversation to a neutral topic. The goal is to
transform the situation so that both the joker and the person at the butt of the joke maintain dignity.
Dale: Getting the girl to identify with the child she’s hurt
can sometimes help. You can say: “You must have felt
awful to speak like that to another person. What’s going
on with you? How do you think she’s feeling?”
Joy:
What if a troublemaker
sends nasty emails to everyone in
the religious school class?
Aron:
You are not saying, “Stop that!”
Edie: It would be best if the teacher spoke to the offender privately, perhaps saying, “I very much want you to be
part of our community, but we have got to get this emailing behavior under control—our congregation has to be
a safe place for you and everyone else. You know you are
going to end up in trouble for doing this, the kids getting
the messages feel bad, and later you will feel bad and get
a bad reputation. Before you can return to class, we have
to figure out how to help you stop.” Sometimes a period
of separation is required before the person can rejoin the
community. In a sense, that’s what happens in the bibli-
© Katrina Brown / istockphoto.com
Dale: Many children model what their parents do. If you
admonish a child for demeaning behavior, you may also be
rebuking her parents. She will naturally defend herself—
and her parents. It’s better to try to understand what the
child is feeling, give her a choice of alternative behaviors
in response to those feelings, and reinforce the teaching
of socially appropriate behavior in different contexts.
It is also appropriate to “label” the offending behavior
as hurtful and unacceptable, saying, “It is not okay to speak
to someone in our group that way. If you are upset about
something she did, talk with her in a way to work it out.”
Bullying—URJ Resources
Edie: Adults often make the mistake of being overprotective. Let’s say Susanna’s hearing aid whistles in Hebrew
school, the class clown remarks, “Who put the tea on?”
and the class erupts in laughter. If the teacher admonishes the joker by saying, “We don’t make fun, we don’t
put stumbling blocks in front of the blind or tease people with disabilities—go to the principal’s office!” and
invites Susanna to sit next to her, she has compounded the
problem by embarrassing and further isolating the victim. If, instead, the teachers says, “True, the hearing aid
reform judaism
Bullying_w10_Design3_be1.indd 33
› Cyberbullying & Sexting Webinar.
This interactive seminar hosted by the URJ and the ADL is
designed to help synagogue lay leaders and professionals
who interact with or supervise teens in addressing cyberbullying and sexting prevention and response. Thursday,
December 2 at 2:00pm EST.
› Additional Resources: For books and links email Craig
Rosen, Youth Specialist, at [email protected] or Rabbi Laura
Novak Winer, Director of Teen Engagement, at [email protected].
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winter 2010
9/28/10 8:33 AM