The Reformer (the One)
Foundation: Reformers are in search of integrity and improvement. They make decisions
based on what they believe is the right thing to do. They are realistic, conscientious, and
principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals. Their main temptation is an extreme
sense of personal moral obligation. At best, they can take pride in their objectivity and
reason.
Their basic fear is of being bad, imbalanced, defective, or corrupt. They have tendencies to
be judging (hidden complaint: “I am right most of the time- others should listen to me.”).
How to Get Along with Me:
Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.
Acknowledge my achievements.
I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.
Tell me that you value my advice.
Be fair and considerate, as I am.
Apologize if you have not been thoughtful. It will help me to forgive.
Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my
worries first.
What I Like About Being a One
being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal
working hard to make the world a better place
having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself
being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do
being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise
solutions
being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people
What's Hard About Being a One
being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met
feeling burdened by too much responsibility
thinking that what I do is never good enough
not being appreciated for what I do for people
being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am
obsessing about what I did or what I should do
being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to be right -> seek truth -> do the right thing -> Need to be right
In the healthy state, the need to be right induces Type Ones to seek truth and do the right
thing. When Ones are doing the right thing, the need is satisfied and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Ones' are not working hard to seek the truth and do the right
thing, the need to be right increases, which helps Ones to again work hard to seek the truth.
Thus the balancing loop can help Ones to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being condemned -> correct others -> do the right thing -> Fear of being
condemned
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being condemned can cause Type Ones to correct
and condemn others first as a defense, which is often not the right thing to do, which further
increases Ones' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Ones
Learn to relax. Take some time for yourself, without feeling that everything is up to you or that
what you do not accomplish will result in chaos and disaster. Mercifully, the salvation of the
world does not depend on you alone, even though you may sometimes feel it does.
You have a lot to teach others and are probably a good teacher, but do not expect others
to change immediately. What is obvious to you may not be as obvious to them, especially if
they are not used to being as self-disciplined and objective about themselves as you are
about yourself. Many people may also want to do what is right and may agree with you in
principle but for various reasons simply cannot change right away. The fact that others do
not change immediately according to your prescriptions does not mean that they will not
change sometime in the future. Your words and above all, your example may do more good
than you realize, although they may take longer than you expect. So have patience.
It is easy for you to work yourself up into a lather about the wrongdoings of others. And it may
sometimes be true that they are wrong. But what is it to you? Your irritation with them will do
nothing to help them see another way of being. Similarly, beware of your constant irritation
with your own "shortcomings." Does your own harsh self-criticism really help you to improve?
Or does it simply make you tense, nervous, and self-doubting? Learn to recognize the
attacks of your superego and how they undermine you rather than helping you.
It is important for you to get in touch with your feelings, particularly your unconscious
impulses. You may find that you are uneasy with your emotions and your sexual and
aggressive impulses—in short, with the messy human things that make us human. It might be
beneficial to keep a journal or to get into some kind of group therapy or other group work
both to develop your emotions and to see that others will not condemn you for having
human needs and limitations.
Your Achilles' heel is your self-righteous anger. You get angry easily and are offended by
what seems to you to be the perverse refusal of others to do the right thing—as you have
defined it. Try to step back and see that your anger alienates people so that they cannot
hear many of the good things you have to say. Further, your own repressed anger may well
be giving you an ulcer or high blood pressure and is a harbinger of worse things to come.
The Helper (the Two)
Foundation: Helpers at their core are about love. They are in search of intimacy and
make decisions to please others. They are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to
other people's needs. Their main deceit is that they are well-intentioned and without needs.
At best, they are caring and loving people.
Their basic fear is of being unloved. They can tend towards flattery and ingratiation (hidden
complaint: “I am always loving- others take me for granted.”)
How to Get Along with Me
Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
Share fun times with me.
Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
Let me know that I am important and special to you.
Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
In Intimate Relationships
Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
Reassure me often that you love me.
Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.
What I Like About Being a Two
being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
being generous, caring, and warm
being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor
What's Hard About Being a Two
not being able to say no
having low self-esteem
feeling drained from overdoing for others
not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tune in to them
working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to be loved -> help others -> loved -> Need to be loved
In the healthy state, the need to be loved induces Type Twos to help others which causes
them to be loved. When Twos feel loved, the need is satisfied and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Twos' are not helping others and are not loved, the need to be
loved increases, which helps Twos to again reach out and help others. Thus the balancing
loop can help Twos to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being unloved -> resent and manipulate others -> loved -> Fear of being unloved
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being unloved can cause Type Twos to feel resentful
and try to manipulate others into loving them. This can cause people to love them even less,
which further increases Twos' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Twos
First and foremost, remember that if you are not addressing your own needs, it is highly
unlikely that you will be able to meet anyone else's needs without problems, underlying
resentments, and continual frustration. Further, you will be less able to respond to people in a
balanced way if you have not gotten adequate rest, and taken care of yourself properly. It
is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others' needs—it is simply
common sense.
Try to become more conscious of your own motives when you decide to help someone.
While doing good things for people is certainly an admirable trait, when you do so because
you expect the other person to appreciate you or do something nice for you in return, you
are setting yourself up for disappointments. Your type has a real danger of falling into
unconscious codependent patterns with loved ones, and they almost never bring you what
you really want.
While there are many things you might want to do for people, it is often better to ask them
what they really need first. You are gifted at accurately intuiting others' feelings and needs,
but that does not necessarily mean that they want those needs remedied by you in the way
you have in mind. Communicate your intentions, and be willing to accept a "no thank you."
Someone deciding that they do not want your particular offer of help does not mean that
they dislike you or are rejecting you.
Resist the temptation to call attention to yourself and your good works. After you have done
something for others, do not remind them about it. Let it be: either they will remember your
kindness themselves and thank you in their own way or they will not. Your calling attention to
what you have done for them only puts people on the spot and makes them feel uneasy. It
will not satisfy anyone or improve your relationships.
Do not always be "doing" for people and above all do not try to get people to love you by
giving them either gifts or undeserved praise. On the other hand, do not pointedly withdraw
your service when others do not respond to you as you would like. Do not make what you do
for others depend on how they respond to you. Help others when they ask for it, especially
helping them to become more capable of functioning on their own.
The Achiever (the Three)
Foundation: Achievers are about worth, searching for acceptance and validation. They are
energetic, optimistic, self-assured, and goal oriented. Their main temptation is to constantly
push themselves to be the best.
At best, they are outstanding and effective
Their basic fear is of being worthless. They have the tendency to be vain and deceitful
(hidden complaint: “I am a superior person- others are jealous of me.”)
How to Get Along with Me
Leave me alone when I am doing my work.
Give me honest, but not unduly critical or judgmental, feedback.
Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.
Don't burden me with negative emotions.
Tell me you like being around me.
Tell me when you're proud of me or my accomplishments.
What I Like About Being a Three
being optimistic, friendly, and upbeat
providing well for my family
being able to recover quickly from setbacks and to charge ahead to the next challenge
staying informed, knowing what's going on being competent and able to get things to
work efficiently
being able to motivate people
What's Hard About Being a Three
having to put up with inefficiency and incompetence
the fear on not being -- or of not being seen as -- successful
comparing myself to people who do things better
struggling to hang on to my success
putting on facades in order to impress people
always being "on." It's exhausting.
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to be admired -> self-improvement -> admired -> Need to be admired
In the healthy state, the need to be admired induces Type Threes to work hard to improve
themselves and succeed, which often cause others around them to admire them. When
Threes feel admired, the need is satisfied and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Threes' are not working hard to improve themselves, others
admire them less, which increases Threes' need to be admired. Thus this helps Threes to again
work hard to improve themselves. Thus the balancing loop can help Threes to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being rejected -> compete -> admired -> Fear of being rejected
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being rejected can cause Type Threes to be
competitive and hostile towards others as a defense, which makes them even less admirable,
and further increases Threes' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Threes
For our real development, it is essential to be truthful. Be honest with yourself and others
about your genuine feelings and needs. Likewise, resist the temptation to impress others or
inflate your importance. You will impress people more deeply by being authentic than by
bragging about your successes or exaggerating your accomplishments.
Develop charity and cooperation in your relationships. You can do this by taking time to
pause in busy day to really connect with someone you care about. Nothing spectacular is
required—simply a few moments of quiet appreciation. When you do so, you will become a
more loving person, a more faithful friend—and a much more desirable individual. You will
feel better about yourself.
Take breaks. You can drive yourself and others to exhaustion with your relentless pursuit of
your goals. Ambition and self-development are good qualities, but temper them with rest
periods in which you reconnect more deeply with yourself. Sometimes taking three to five
deep breaths is enough to recharge your battery and improve your outlook.
Develop your social awareness. Many Threes have grown tremendously by getting involved
in projects that had nothing to do with their own personal advancement. Working
cooperatively with others toward goals that transcend personal interest is a powerful way of
finding your true value and identity.
In their desire to be accepted by others, some average Threes adapt so much to the
expectations of others that they lose touch with what they are really feeling about the
situation. Develop yourself by resisting doing what is acceptable just to be accepted. It is
imperative that you invest time in discovering your own core values.
The Romantic (the Four)
Foundation: Romantics are in search of identity. They have sensitive feelings and are
warm and perceptive. Their main temptation is to overuse their imagination in their search
of self. At best, they are intuitive and sensitive.
Their basic fear is of having no identity or significance. They are prone to melancholy and
fantasizing (hidden complaint: “I don’t really fit in- I am different from others.”)
How to Get Along with Me
Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like
to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need for self-understanding -> examine self -> understand themselves -> Need for selfunderstanding
In the healthy state, the need for self-understanding induces Type Fours to allow their
emotions to surface and examine these emotions in order to understand themselves. When
Fours achieve self-understanding, their need is satisfied and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Fours' do not examine closely their emotions, they start to not
understand themselves. This increases the need for self-understanding, which helps Fours to
again examine themselves. Thus the balancing loop can help Fours to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being defective -> indulge in fantasy -> understand themselves -> Fear of being
defective
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being defective can cause Type Fours to ignore their
true selves, allow their emotions to overwhelm them, and indulge in wild fantasy about
themselves. This means they will understand themselves even less, and further increases Fours'
basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Fours
Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you,
as you probably already know. Remember this advice: "From our present perspective, we
can also see that one of the most important mistakes Fours make is to equate themselves
with their feelings. The fallacy is that to understand themselves they must understand their
feelings, particularly their negative ones, before acting. Fours do not see that the self is not
the same as its feelings or that the presence of negative feelings does not preclude the
presence of good in themselves". Always remember that your feelings are telling you
something about yourself as you are at this particular moment, not necessarily more than
that.
Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive,
meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small
the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which
you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are
working—that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself. You will not "find yourself" in
a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect—and stay connected—with
the real world.
Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether
or not you believe that you are ready to have them. Therefore, put yourself in the way of
good. You may never feel that you are ready to take on a challenge of some sort, that you
always need more time. (Fours typically never feel that they are sufficiently "together," but
they must nevertheless have the courage to stop putting off their lives.) Even if you start small,
commit yourself to doing something that will bring out the best in you.
A wholesome self-discipline takes many forms, from sleeping regular hours to working
regularly to exercising regularly, and has a cumulative, strengthening effect. Since it comes
from yourself, a healthy self-discipline is not contrary to your freedom or individuality. On the
other hand, sensuality, excessive sexual experiences, alcohol, drugs, sleep, or fantasizing
have a debilitating effect on you, as you already know. Therefore, practice healthy selfdiscipline and stay with it.
Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful,
or even excessively romantic. These conversations are essentially unreal and at best only
rehearsals for action—although, as you know, you almost never say or do what you imagine
you will. Instead of spending time imagining your life and relationships, begin to live them.
The Observer (the Five)
Foundation: Observers are on a quest for mastery, desiring to be capable and competent.
They have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful. The
roadblock to their success is often valuing intellect over direct experience. They are great
observers and think that understanding can come solely from witnessing. At best, they are
intelligent and perceptive.
Their basic fear is of being helpless, incompetent, or incapable. They have a tendency to be
detached and isolated (hidden complaint: “I am so smart- others can’t understand me.”)
How to Get Along with Me
Be independent, not clingy.
Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling
uncomfortable.
Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to
get my thoughts out in the first place.
don't come on like a bulldozer.
Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions,
and intrusions on my privacy.
What I Like About Being a Five
standing back and viewing life objectively
coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
not being caught up in material possessions and status
being calm in a crisis
What's Hard About Being a Five
being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better
professionally
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to understand the world -> observe -> analyze -> understand the world -> Need to
understand the world
In the healthy state, the need to understand the world induces Type Fives to observe and
analyze the world, which help them to better understand the world. When Fives reach a
good understanding of the world around them, their need is satisfied and a balance is
reached.
In the average state, when Fives' do less of observing and analyzing the world, they start to
not understand the world. This increases their need to understand the world, which helps
Fives to return to more observation and analysis. Thus the balancing loop can help Fives to
recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being overwhelmed by the world -> detach from the world -> understand the world > Fear of being overwhelmed by the world
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being overwhelmed by the world can cause Type
Fives to become detached from the people around them and the world around them as a
defense. This unfortunately causes them to understand the world even less, which further
increases Fives' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Fives
Learn to notice when your thinking and speculating takes you out of the immediacy of your
experience. Your mental capacities can be an extraordinary gift, but only can also be a trap
when you use them to retreat from contact with yourself and others. Stay connected with
your physicality.
You tend to be extremely intense and so high-strung that you find it difficult to relax and
unwind. Make an effort to learn to calm down in a healthy way, without drugs or alcohol.
Exercising or using biofeedback techniques will help channel some of your tremendous
nervous energy. Meditation, jogging, yoga, and dancing are especially helpful for your type.
You see many possibilities but often do not know how to choose among them or judge
which is more or less important. When you are caught in your fixation, a sense of perspective
can be missing, and with it the ability to make accurate assessments. At such time, it can be
helpful to get the advice of someone whose judgment you trust while you are gaining
perspective on your situation. Doing this can also help you trust someone else, a difficulty for
your type.
Notice when you are getting intensely involved in projects that do not necessarily support
your self-esteem, confidence, or life situation. It is possible to follow many different
fascinating subjects, games, and pastimes, but they can become huge distractions from
what you know really need to do. Decisive action will bring more confidence than learning
more facts or acquiring more unrelated skills.
Fives tend to find it difficult to trust people, to open up to them emotionally, or to make
themselves accessible in various ways. Their awareness of potential problems in relationships
may tend to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is important to remember that having
conflicts with others is not unusual and that the healthy thing is to work them out rather than
reject attachments with people by withdrawing into isolation. Having one or two intimate
friends whom you trust enough to have conflicts with will enrich your life greatly.
The Loyalist (the Six)
Foundation: Loyalists long for safety and security, often seeking guidance and support. They
are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their
personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative. They
often find themselves in cycles of indecision- seeking others for reassurance. At best, they
are committed and dependable.
Their basic fear is to be without support or guidance. They are highly prone to worry and
anxiety often looking for security and guidance outside of themselves (hidden complaint: “ I
do what I am supposed to do- others don’t.”)
How to Get Along with Me
Be direct and clear.
Listen to me carefully.
Don't judge me for my anxiety.
Work things through with me.
Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
Laugh and make jokes with me.
Gently push me toward new experiences.
Try not to overreact to my overreacting.
What I Like About Being a Six
being committed and faithful to family and friends
being responsible and hardworking
being compassionate toward others
having intellect and wit
being a nonconformist
confronting danger bravely
being direct and assertive
What's Hard About Being a Six
the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to be secure -> loyal -> security -> Need to be secure
In the healthy state, the need to be secure induces Type Sixes to be loyal to others,
especially the authority. This increases their security among others, which satisfies their need
and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Sixes' are not not being so loyal to others, they start to feel
insecure among others. This increases the need to be secure, which helps Sixes to again seek
out authority and become loyal to it, or become more loyal to others around them. Thus the
balancing loop can help Sixes to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being abandoned -> distrust others -> security -> Fear of being abandoned
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being abandoned can cause Type Sixes to become
suspicious of others and start to distrust others. This reduces their sense of security, which
further increases Sixes' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Sixes
Remember that there is nothing unusual about being anxious since everyone is anxious and
much more often than you might think. Learn to be more present to your anxiety, to explore
it, and to come to terms with it. Work creatively with your tensions without turning to
excessive amounts of alcohol (or other drugs) to allay them. In fact, if you are present and
breathing fully, anxiety can be energizing, a kind of tonic that can help make you more
productive and aware of what you are doing.
You tend to get edgy and testy when you are upset or angry, and can even turn on others
and blame them for things you have done or brought on yourself. Be aware of your
pessimism: it causes you dark moods and negative thought patterns that you tend to project
on reality. When you succumb to this self-doubt, you can become your own worst enemy
and may harm yourself more than anyone else does.
Sixes tend to overreact when they are under stress and feeling anxious. Learn to identify
what makes you overreact. Also realize that almost none of the things you have feared so
much has actually come true. Even if things are as bad as you think, your fearful thoughts
weaken you and your ability to change things for the better. You cannot always mange
external events, but you can manage your own thoughts.
Work on becoming more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn
to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone
trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person. This will mean risking rejection and
stirring up some of your deepest fears, but the risk is worth taking. You have a gift for getting
people to like you, but you are unsure of yourself and may be afraid of making a
commitment to them. Therefore, come down clearly on one side or the other of the fence in
your relationships. Let people know how you feel about them.
Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get
you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate
about others' attitudes toward you.
The Enthusiast (the Seven)
Foundation: Enthusiasts seek satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment. They are energetic,
adventurous, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world. Always looking for
the next best thing, they are prone to believe that fulfillment is found elsewhere. At best,
they are happy and enthusiastic.
Their basic fear is of being trapped in pain or being deprived. They can be fixated on
planning and feelings of anticipation- always wanting more (hidden complaint: “I am
happy- if others gave me what I wanted I would be happier.”)
How to Get Along with Me
Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.
Be responsible for yourself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
Don't tell me what to do.
What I Like About Being a Seven
being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
being spontaneous and free-spirited
being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
being generous and trying to make the world a better place
having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
having such varied interests and abilities
What's Hard About Being a Seven
not having enough time to do all the things I want
not completing things I start
not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a
commitment to a career
having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies
feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to be happy -> explore and appreciate world -> happy -> Need to be happy
In the healthy state, the need to be happy induces Type Sevens to explore the world and
genuinely appreciate what they find. They derive great happiness as a result, thus their need
is satisfied and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Sevens' are not exploring and appreciating the world, they
become restless and unhappy. The the need to be happy increases, which helps Sevens to
again reach out to the world and find things to appreciate. Thus the balancing loop can
help Sevens to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being deprived -> numbly seek sensations -> happy -> Fear of being deprived
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being deprived can cause Type Sevens to numbly
seek new and different sensations and adventures without truly appreciating the experience.
This means they will derive little happiness from all the highs, which further increases Sevens'
feeling of emptiness and basic fear of being deprived. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Sevens
Recognize your impulsiveness, and get in the habit of observing your impulses rather than
giving in to them. This means letting most of your impulses pass and becoming a better judge
of which ones are worth acting on. The more you can resist acting out your impulses, the
more you will be able to focus on what is really good for you.
Learn to listen to other people. They are often interesting, and you may learn things that will
open new doors for you. Also learn to appreciate silence and solitude: you do not have to
distract yourself (and protect yourself from anxiety) with constant noise from the television or
the stereo. By learning to live with less external stimulation, you will learn to trust yourself. You
will be happier than you expect because you will be satisfied with whatever you do, even if
it is less than you have been doing.
You do not have to have everything this very moment. That tempting new acquisition will
most likely still be available tomorrow (this is certainly true of food, alcohol, and other
common gratifications—that ice cream cone, for instance). Most good opportunities will
come back again—and you will be in a better position to discern which opportunities really
are best for you.
Always choose quality over quantity, especially in your experiences. The ability to have
experiences of quality can be learned only by giving your full attention to the experience
you are having now. If you keep anticipating future experiences, you will keep missing the
present one and undermine the possibility of ever being satisfied.
Make sure that what you want will really be good for you in the long run. As the saying goes,
watch what you pray for since your prayers may be answered. In the same vein, think about
the long-term consequences of what you want since you may get it only to find that it
becomes another disappointment—or even a source of unhappiness.
The Challenger (the Eight)
Foundation: Challengers strive for survival and protecting themselves, needing control and
self-reliance. They are direct, independent, self-confident, and protective. At worst, they
can be forceful and vengeful. At best, they are strong and assertive.
Their basic fear is of being harmed, controlled, or violated. They tend to see themselves as
completely self-sufficient (hidden complaint: “I am fighting for my survival- others would take
advantage of me”).
How to Get Along with Me
Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being an Eight
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a Eight
overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to be self-reliant -> strength -> independent -> Need to be self-reliant
In the healthy state, the need to be self-reliant induces Type Eights to become stronger and
capable of defending others. When Eights are independent, their need is satisfied and a
balance is reached.
In the average state, when Eights' are not building their strength as much, they will become
more dependent on others for certain needs. This increases the need to be self-reliant, which
helps Eights to again work hard to become strong. Thus the balancing loop can help Eights
to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of submitting to others -> controlling -> independent -> Fear of submitting to others
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of submitting to others can cause Type Eights to lash
out and try to control others as a defense. This unfortunately makes them ironically more
dependent on others, which further increases Eights' basic fear. The cycle continues to build
up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Eights
It goes against the grain, but act with self-restraint. You show true power when you forbear
from asserting your will with others, even when you could. Your real power lies in your ability
to inspire and uplift people. You are at your best when you take charge and help everyone
through a crisis. Few will take advantage of you when you are caring, and you will do more
to secure the loyalty and devotion of others by showing the greatness of your heart than you
ever could by displays of raw power.
It is difficult for Eights, but learn to yield to others, at least occasionally. Often, little is really at
stake, and you can allow others to have their way without fear of sacrificing your power, or
your real needs. The desire to dominate everyone all the time is a sign that your ego is
beginning to inflate—a danger signal that more serious conflicts with others are inevitable.
Remember that the world is not against you. Many people in your life care about you and
look up to you, but when you are in your fixation, you do not make this easy for them. Let in
the affection that is available. Doing this will not make you weak, but will confirm the
strength and support in yourself and your life. Also remember that by believing that others
are against you and reacting against them, you tend to alienate them and confirm your
own fears. Take stock of the people who truly are on your side, and let them know-how
important they are to you.
Eights typically want to be self-reliant and depend on no one. But, ironically, they depend on
many people. For example, you may think that you are not dependent on your employees
because they depend on you for their jobs. You could dismiss them at any time and hire
other workers. Everyone is expendable in your little kingdom—except you. But the fact is that
you are dependent on others to do their jobs too, especially if your business concerns grow
beyond what you can manage alone. But if you alienate everyone associated with you, you
will eventually be forced to employ the most obsequious and untrustworthy operatives.
When you do, you will have reason to question their loyalty and to fear losing your position.
The fact is that whether in your business world or your domestic life, yourself-sufficiency is
largely an illusion.
Eights typically overvalue power. Having power, whether through wealth, position, or simple
brute force, allows them to do whatever they want, to feel important, to be feared and
obeyed. But those who are attracted to you because of your power do not love you for
yourself, nor do you love or respect them. While this may be the Faustian bargain you have
made, you will nevertheless have to pay the price that whatever power you accumulated
will inevitably be at a cost you, physically and emotionally.
The Peacemaker (the Nine)
Foundation: Peacemakers are about harmony and stability, seeking peace of mind. They
are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world
around them. They avoid conflict and self-assertion. At best, they are peaceful and easygoing.
Their basic fear is of loss and separation. They are prone to indolence and sensitive to
change (hidden complaint: “I am content- others pressure me to change.”)
How to Get Along with Me
If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations
or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. Gentle, non-judgmental nudging is OK.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.
What I Like About Being a Nine
being nonjudgmental and accepting
caring for and being concerned about others
being able to relax and have a good time
knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe
What's Hard About Being a Nine
being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth
personally
being confused about what I really want
caring too much about what others will think of me
not being listened to or taken seriously
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need to find union -> accept others -> do the right thing -> Need to find union
In the healthy state, the need to find union induces Type Nines to genuinely open up to
others and accept them as they are. Others often find their acceptance welcoming and
build up a strong bond or union. This way, Nines' needs are satisfied and a balance is
reached.
In the average state, when Nine' are less accepting of others or the world, which means the
union begins to weaken. This causes the need to find union to increase, which helps Nines to
again become more accepting of others. Thus the balancing loop can help Nines to
recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of separation -> illusions of union -> accommodating -> union -> Fear of separation
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of separation can cause Type Nines to delude
themselves with illusions of union, which they sustain by ignoring reality and blindly
accommodating others or the world. Unfortunately, this means they won't achieve true
union, which further increases Nines' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Nines
It is worth examining your type's tendency to go along with others, doing what they want to
keep the peace and be nice. Will constantly acquiescing to the wishes of others provide the
kind of relationships that will really satisfy you? Remember, it is impossible to love others if you
are not truly present to them. This means that you have to be yourself; that you
(paradoxically) have to be independent so that you can really be there for others when they
need you.
Exert yourself. Force yourself to pay attention to what is going on. Do not drift off or tune out
people, or daydream. Work on focusing your attention to become an active participant in
the world around you. Try to become more mentally and emotionally engaged.
Recognize that you also have aggressions, anxieties, and other feelings that you must deal
with. Negative feelings and impulses are a part of you and they affect you emotionally and
physically whether or not you acknowledge them. Furthermore, your negative emotions are
often expressed inadvertently and get in the way of the peace and harmony you want in
your relationships. It is best to get things out in the open first, at least by allowing yourself to
become aware of your feelings.
Although this will be very painful for you, if your marriage has ended in divorce or if you are
having problems with your children, you must honestly examine how you have contributed
to these problems. Examining troubled relationships will be extremely difficult because the
people involved have been close to your heart. The feelings you have for others endow you
with much of your identity and self-esteem. But if you really love others, you can do no less
than examine the role you have played in whatever conflicts that have arisen. In the last
analysis, the choice is simple: you must sacrifice your peace of mind (in the short run) for the
satisfaction of genuine relationships (in the long run.)
Exercise frequently to become more aware of your body and emotions. Regular exercise is a
healthy form of self-discipline and will increase your awareness of your feelings and other
sensations. Developing body-awareness will help teach you to concentrate and focus your
attention in other areas of your life as well. Exercise is also a good way to get in touch with
and express some aggressions.