your life
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In Black Swan,
prima ballerina
Nina pushes
herself to the
edge of health
and sanity.
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MAIN PHOTO: REBECCA GREENFIELD. SITTINGS EDITOR: BETSY MULLINIX. HAIR & MAKEUP: ERICA WHELAN FOR
DIOR BEAUTY. BLACK SWAN: NIKO TAVERNISE/FOX SEARCHLIGHT. KELL: COURTESY OF ABC FAMILY.
fe
She’s a real-li
Black Swan!
d
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i
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allet
hen you’re starting
won’t comfort you. The crushing
But I damaged my knee so much that I
out as a ballerina,
competition among girls is awful. Even
had to stop dancing for five months—
all you focus on
if you become super-skilled, it doesn’t
an eternity!—because I was in so much
are the pretty tutus guarantee you’ll get parts. I’ve lost roles
pain. I’m okay now, but I could have
and the amazing
to less talented girls—because a girl’s
permanently wrecked my knee.
adrenaline rush you get while
family had donated money to the school
A WEIGHTY ISSUE
performing. I’d watch the pros
or because she’d known the teacher
Ballerinas are ultra-thin, and they’ll go
float gracefully across the
longer. It’s unfair, but it’s reality.
Less than
to ridiculous lengths to stay that way.
stage—studying their every
That’s why ballet dancers
Freshman year, I was obsessed with
move—and leave feeling
kiss up to teachers, because it
being skinnier than my dancer friends.
inspired. But the day I
all comes down to who’s
of dancers who audition
for the top ballet companies
I tried to diet myself down to an
decided to quit ballet,
getting the most attention.
in the US are accepted
all the magic had
And dancers will do whatever it unhealthy weight because teachers
annually.
said, “You dance best at that weight.”
disappeared. I was training
takes to get it. Once, when two
When that failed, I’d starve myself, but
so relentlessly that I’d fall
new girls hogged my teacher’s
that just made me binge and gain more
asleep in my textbooks from
attention, another dancer got so
weight. It was a huge mistake! The
exhaustion and wake up stressing about jealous that she secretly cut the laces
next year, when I made friends outside
cutthroat dancers. While my friends
off the two girls’ shoes, so they would
of ballet who didn’t constantly talk
were taking fun trips to Six Flags on
have to miss practice.
about weight, I began eating normally
weekends, I was in the studio practicing
ACHES AND PAINS
again. And I still danced well!
the same moves over and over. After
Ballet is an art, but it’s also a sport. My
weeks of grueling all-day training at
NO TIME FOR FUN
feet are so deformed from blisters and
ballet boot camp this past summer, I felt
Ballet demands every bit of your time.
bruised toenails that I’m embarrassed
broken and had a flash of realization. I
Last year I had a rehearsal that was
to get pedicures. Even minor injuries
knew my sacrifice was no longer worth
scheduled to end at 7 P.M., the same time
make it hurt to go en pointe (on your
it, and I needed to reclaim my life.
toes in ballet shoes), but when you have my Sweet Sixteen started! I changed into
I’ve devoted 14 years to dance.
my dress on the way and showed up late
to perform, you just suck it up.
I started when I was 3 and have been
to my own party! It was so embarrassing!
I’ve had major injuries, too. Once I
practicing four hours a day at
I finally came to my senses last
was an understudy for a lead role in a
prestigious New York ballet schools for
summer. Two of my friends quit, saying
the past five years. For
they felt burned out from training so
me, ballet quickly
intensely. It rang true. I didn’t feel
became an addiction.
“sparkly” about ballet anymore. In
Instead of being proud
fact, I dreaded competing with other
when I nailed three
dancers in class.
pirouettes in a row, I’d
So when I finish this school year,
push myself to do four
instead of applying to pro dance
(only the best female
piece with challenging lifts and spins—
companies, I’m applying to college. I
pros can do four flawlessly). I dreamed
a big opportunity. I knew I had loose
want to get into photography and go to
of becoming a pro, nailing a difficult
parties! I was brainwashed into thinking
routine, and getting a standing ovation— cartiIage in my knee, but I was drooling
for the part! So when the star sprained
that ballet had to be my life. But I’ve
and thought nothing could stop me.
her ankle a week before the show, I
seen dancers have meltdowns, and I
PSYCHED OUT
finally had my chance! I had just seven
refuse to become one of them. I remind
Ballet requires perfection. Every hair
days to perfect her moves, so I danced
myself daily that I’m not giving up my
must be in place, and every leotard
like crazy and made it through the show. dream—I’m chasing a new one. 17
must be the right color. And there’s a
satisfaction in knowing you’ve gotten all
the details just right. But the moment
you make a mistake, you are humiliated
Before Ayla Kell starred in ABC Family’s Make It or Break It, she was a hard-core
by the instructor—in front of the whole
ballerina—completing 15 years of training at the Los Angeles Ballet Academy!
class. Once I messed up a step and
“Ballet is so intense that I was super-tired all the
a teacher yelled, “What the f*** do you
time. And I missed out on plenty of movies, school
think you’re doing?” I held back tears
dances, and all sorts of things my friends were
and told myself: You did your best.
doing that I never could because ‘I had dance.’ ”
I had to, because your classmates Ayla K ell
I was brainwashed
into thinking ballet
had to be my life.
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