parenting
you know you
make me wanna
By Paula Galey *
Is shouting an acceptable
form of discipline? Do your
kids push your buttons
until you feel compelled to
yell at them? Here’s why
shouting does more harm
than good, and some ways
to help you deal more
effectively with the
frustrations of parenting.
at your child on a frequent basis, you need
to be aware that the stakes are higher than
the effects of shouting
why shouting doesn’t work
you may realise.
Shouting causes kids to feel shame,
belittlement and worthlessness. In the
short term, it scares them, they lose trust
in the adult, they don’t feel safe - and
they learn to shout back. In the long
term, it scars them with poor self-esteem
and self-image, lack of self-control,
impulsivity, temperament issues, lack of
patience and mental health problems.
It can also lead to physical and verbal
aggression, social withdrawal and a lack
of pro-social behaviours such as sharing
and empathy. Children who experience
yelling may have difficulty controlling their
own anger, or alternatively will become
timid and withdrawn and often struggle
with friendships. Furthermore, they can
have difficulty in school as they find it
hard to respond to more positive forms of
discipline and can experience difficulty
concentrating, as they have learnt to
tune out.
If shouting worked, we would only
have to do it once, but what tends to
occur is that it becomes a negative
parenting pattern. Children quickly
become immune to shouting and won’t
do anything until you yell at them, as
they have learnt that you only mean
what you say when you yell. Therefore
when you speak normally, they deem
it to be unimportant. Adults typically
shout to show children who is boss. Yet
in some children, shouting can cause
them to become more defiant and to
power play with the adult. The message
these children are internalising is: “If I’m
worthless, I may as well misbehave.”
Shouting at a child is especially damaging if
the content of the shouting involves threats,
comparisons with other children, negative
labelling (eg, You are so useless!), blaming,
undermining (eg, Get out of the way, I’ll
do it, you’re too slow!), personal criticism,
discouraging (eg, You always get it wrong!).
Given that a person is rarely yelled at
for doing good things, children who are
Some parents deal with unacceptable
behaviour by shouting at their children.
They see it as a form of discipline.
However, effective discipline is calm
and delivered with a nurturing tone, so
shouting actually falls under the category
of punishment. Discipline is a form of
teaching, through communication, which
behaviours are acceptable and which are
not. Discipline recognises that mistakes
are an important way of learning. Yelling
at a child will not stop unacceptable
behaviour because no teaching has
occurred.
consistently yelled at usually are exposed
Shouting at a child to startle them or
catch their attention in the event of
danger is of course perfectly acceptable
and not harmful to the child. Children are
professional button-pushers and at some
point, most parents have raised their voices
in anger. Occasional shouting won’t affect
a relationship permanently; but if you yell
that emotional abuse is more predictive
to these type of messages. It is also
particularly important to remember that
children judge themselves by their parents’
opinion of them.
Consider also the fact that although most
adults don’t often yell at other adults, many
think it is acceptable to yell at children.
This is a view that needs to be changed,
as yelling is a form of emotional abuse
which damages emotional and intellectual
development. In fact, research suggests
of mental health issues than physical
abuse. Shouting at a child is insulting,
demeaning and degrading. It is a form of
What shouting is actually
teaching is that to solve a
problem or deal with
conflict you need to behave
emotionally, angrily and
aggressively.
attack, particularly as children are captive
victims who are unable to leave their
environment independently.
We need to surround our children with
positivity, nurturing support, encouragement
and mutual respect. Children need to feel
loved, secure, safe, worthwhile, successful,
helpful and to have boundaries and
opportunities. They should not have to endure
this type of assault on their self-esteem.
Often children will not remember exactly what
is said, but they will certainly remember how
they were made to feel. It is crucial that we
monitor how our messages are packaged.
* Paula Galey (M Ed Psych (hons) Hdip
Tchg) is a teacher who specialised in working
with students with learning and behaviour
difficulties. She currently writes educational
resources while raising her three children.
alternatives to shouting
• Voice clear expectations and use
• Know and accept the developmental
consequences that have been
ability of your child. For instance, if you
made known to the child prior to the
have a 2-year-old who wants to touch
misbehaviour. Follow through with
everything, analyse the environment
consequences consistently. This sends
(home and away) and do what you need
the message that you love your child
to do to keep your child out of trouble
enough to be truthful about what
by removing breakables, placing unsafe
would happen. It is vital to follow up
things out of reach, etc.
all behaviours with either positive
reinforcement or a consequence. This is
how we learn.
• Use a problem-solving approach
• Tell a child what to do, not what not
to do, and refrain from using words
like Don’t or Stop. Instead, rephrase
your message so you are telling
which encourages children to think
your child what they should do. For
about the effect of their behaviours.
example, “Stop running inside!”
should be rephrased as “Walk when
you are inside, please.”
• Take time out for yourself and walk
away. This models good anger
management. You can say something
like: “I am very angry at you. When I
have calmed down, I will come back and
we will talk.” This buys you some time
to cool off and, as an added bonus, it is
likely the child will stew while you are
away and consequently reflect on their
behaviour.
• Listen to yourself. Is this the reflection
of yourself you want to portray?
• Whisper. Ironically, it is much more
likely that you will be listened to.
• Have a humorous key phrase that you
use to give your child time to amend
their behaviour. For example, “Big
trouble brewing in little mummy ... how
you gonna to stop it?”.
• Get support or seek outside
intervention to assist you in preparing
a discipline plan. Asking for help
shows strength of character, not
weakness.