Upd@teMe Upd@te Me U Sexual health and relationship information for the over 40s looking for (or in) a new relationship. New Zealand Family Planning Upd@te Me Upd New Zealand Family Planning Upd@te Me d@te Sexual health and relationship information for the over 40s looking for (or in) a new relationship. Are you 40+, and getting back into dating and relationships? Maybe your long-term relationship or marriage has ended, or maybe you’ve been single for some time. Whatever your situation, if you find yourself back in the dating game you may need an Upd@te. Men and women of any age can have satisfying, passionate sexual relationships. However we express our sexuality it can change as we get older. We may want sex less (or more) often. Perhaps we want to do different activities than in our 20s and 30s. For some people, sexuality becomes more aligned with spirituality. Others may find the 40 + years the most sexually satisfying and relaxed. Whatever the circumstances, most people continue New Zealand Family Planning 1 Upd@te Me to be sexually active as they get older. And most people want to have an intimate relationship with a loving partner. Upd@ Some people may have never imagined the possibility of their long-term relationship ending, whether through break-up or death. There may be considerable adjustment to accepting new possibilities. Things have changed. There are more ways of meeting someone – e.g. on the internet, speed-dating… There seem to be more infections around too. There are lots of brands of condoms and types of sex toys out there. You may have been wondering: • What about HIV and other sexually transmissible infections (STIs)? • Do I need to use condoms? • Am I ready for a relationship? • How do I avoid getting hurt? • What’s safe and what’s dodgy? • Is unplanned pregnancy still an issue? For answers to these questions and many more, read on... 2 New Zealand Family Planning Before you start Before starting a new relationship it’s a good idea to prepare yourself - physically and emotionally - @teM • Get a sexual health warrant of fitness. Visit a Family Planning Clinic (or your GP or sexual health service) and get a check-up to reassure yourself that you are sexually healthy before you start a relationship. Ask for a copy of your results and keep it. • Think about what you want from a relationship. You might like to write down your answers to these questions and keep them: - What qualities would you like in a new partner? Make a list. - What are the non-negotiables? - Prioritise your top four or five. - What things would be unacceptable to you in a new partner? - What are the qualities you bring to a new relationship? New Zealand Family Planning 3 Upd@te Me How can I meet someone? Many people still meet partners via whanau/family, work or friends, through a shared interest or at a party. However others may find their busy lives prevent them from doing much socialising. For these people, dating services may be useful. While services like internet dating, dating agencies and speed dating can’t guarantee success in finding a perfect partner, they can be useful in bringing people together. The rest is up to you! Each method has pros and cons, but whichever one you choose (or mix of methods) the best way to meet other singles is to get out there yourself. Whatever route you take to find someone, all the usual highs and lows and risks to heart, head and body still apply. Upd Overseas liaisons Some people go on an overseas holiday and meet someone. Often people behave differently on holiday to how they would at home and can end up doing things they didn’t plan and later regret, like returning from holiday with a sexual infection (STI). Many countries have much higher rates of STIs including HIV than New Zealand, including Pacific and Asian countries. It’s not safe to have unprotected sex at home or overseas. 4 New Zealand Family Planning How does Internet dating work? Some dating websites cater for people looking for casual sexual partners; others for those looking for something more serious and long-term. Some contain explicit sexual language and images; others don’t. Some may charge a membership fee. d@te • Create a personal profile with information about yourself and what you are seeking in a partner. • Operate under a nick-name. • Don’t reveal your real name or contact details until you are ready to. • Be honest about who you are and what you really want. • Include a photo if you want. • It’s up to you who you contact and when. • Strike up an online conversation. You may arrange to meet in person. • Never send money to anyone you have only had an online relationship with. TIPS: “Relationships” can develop extremely quickly in cyberspace, often much faster than they would in the real world. New Zealand Family Planning 5 Upd@te Me • Keep in mind that the profile is a constructed version of the person, it is not really them. Upd • If you like the sound of someone, meet as soon as possible so that you can decide if you want to continue the relationship or not. • Arrange to meet in a public place, tell a friend where you are going, and check in with them after each date. Meeting up early on can save a lot of time and emotional investment. Remember, people can easily lie about anything online - their age, their appearance, their relationship status. 6 New Zealand Family Planning Sexual etiquette You might feel that because you are older and have some sexual experience, you have to jump into being sexual straight away. You don’t! Go at your own pace and tell your partner what you want to do and not do. Sexual desire isn’t always there at the beginning but it can grow over time. Or you might have an intense sexual connection right from the first date. d@te People often hold strong personal beliefs about sexual behaviour. For some people sex is only right in a long-term relationship or marriage. For others it’s fine to have sex with a casual partner. Don’t assume that if you are being sexual with a person on one level, you can automatically start being sexual on other levels. Kissing doesn’t mean that intercourse comes next. One night stands happen, and sex may happen sooner in a developing relationship than you actually plan for, so make sure that you are honouring your (and your partner’s) value system. Only do what’s right for you. Good sex for most people is not about having a great body or trying all the sexual positions in the book. Great sex happens when there is trust, you are relaxed, feel safe and can communicate your sexual desires. New Zealand Family Planning 7 Upd@te Me Sexual intimacy involves being close and comfortable enough to discuss: • How you like to touch and be touched. • Your sexual boundaries. • Contraception and condom responsibilities. Upd Having sex changes your relationship. It can stir powerful emotions. Stronger feelings often develop, which may bring you closer, but may also bring you closer to the possibility of getting hurt. Remember the risks of confusing sex for love. That doesn’t mean don’t have sex, but make sure you are ready for it. TIP: Talk to a trusted friend about how the relationship is going, so that if things do go wrong, you have some support. Consent It’s never OK to push someone into going further than they want to go. Consent is about getting clear “yes” messages for every activity. Sexual intercourse without consent is rape. People cannot consent to sexual activities if they are unconscious, really drunk or high on drugs. Check out what your partner wants. Your partner should always have the right to say no, regardless of any previous sexual activity. And silence doesn’t mean consent. If in any doubt, ask! Remember it’s your right to say NO to anything you don’t want at any time and have that wish respected. 8 New Zealand Family Planning Alcohol and drugs Many people use alcohol or other drugs to loosen up on a date. Using alcohol or other drugs can affect your ability to make good decisions about your sexual behaviour, your choice of partner and condom use. Heavy use increases the chances of having sex you didn’t want, risky sex, sex with someone you haven’t known long and sex you later regret. d@te Stay in control of your drink and drug intake so that you are comfortable with what you are doing and won’t regret it the next day. Making it sexy and romantic There is nothing sexy or romantic about being worried that you are at risk of infection or pregnancy. Knowing that you have these things sorted means you can relax and concentrate on your and your partner’s pleasure. It also signals to your partner that you care about your health and theirs and are not willing to compromise these things. New Zealand Family Planning 9 Upd@te Me Talking about safer sex It’s not easy talking about sexual health matters, especially with someone you don’t know very well. It may be better to put off having sex until you have built up some intimacy and trust in the relationship. Then the subject will be easier to discuss. Upd TIPS: • Having a “sex plan” well thought out before you are in a relationship is a good idea, e.g. planning not to have sex without condoms. • Talk about safer sex before you get into a sexual situation. When the heat is on, you are horny, you are not necessarily thinking clearly and may throw caution (and condoms) to the wind! • Talk about safer sex before you drink or use drugs or party pills. • Make sure you have privacy and time to talk. • Tell your partner that you would like to find a time to talk about sex and safety. 10 New Zealand Family Planning • If you are nervous, say so; this can often dispel the nerves a bit. Chances are your partner will be nervous too. d@te • Remember kissing, stroking, massaging, licking, rubbing and mutual masturbation are pleasurable and safe. Be honest and clear. For example,“I feel a bit nervous talking about this but it’s important to me that we do. I really want to have sex with you, and I want to make it as safe as possible. I’d like us both to have STI checks first and when we decide to have sex I want us to use condoms and lube. Until then I’d like to just stick to other things, like kissing and cuddling and touching. What do you think?” If they react negatively to your suggestion, maybe it would be wise to think twice about progressing things. New Zealand Family Planning 11 Upd@te Me Keeping it safe Sexually transmissible infections (STIs) including HIV Upd We all make assumptions about people based on their appearance, but you can’t tell if someone has an STI just by looking. You can’t judge that someone is “safe” to sleep with because they are welldressed or drive a nice car. Many STIs have no signs or symptoms. Assume nothing. The only way to know for sure is to have an STI check-up. Getting tested can increase your sexual and dating confidence because you can relax knowing you are not likely to be bringing any infections into the relationship. You can get STIs - including HIV - at any age. STI rates are high in New Zealand, including in the over 40s. Condoms are the best protection against chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and HIV (which can lead to AIDS). Because some infections can be passed on through skin to skin contact, condoms are less effective at preventing infections like syphilis, genital herpes and wart viruses. However condoms do reduce the risk of these infections. Get regular sexual health check-ups (even if you are using condoms). 12 New Zealand Family Planning • STI checks are simple and quick. Some tests involve a urine sample. You may be offered a swab if there are symptoms. If you don’t have symptoms, you may be able to take your own swabs. d@te • Some of the tests may be briefly uncomfortable but shouldn’t hurt. • Family Planning staff are nonjudgemental and friendly. • Unless you and your partner have both had “clear” test results and you are certain that neither of you is having sex with anyone else, you will need to use condoms and lubricant for vaginal or anal intercourse, and condoms for fellatio (oral sex on a man). • If you have any symptoms of an STI (e.g. discharge, unusual odour, soreness, itchiness, lumps, ulcers) see a GP, Family Planning or sexual health service straight away, but remember that you can have an infection without any symptoms. If you have had unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse, have an STI check two to three weeks afterwards. • Even if you are no longer fertile or are using another method of contraception, you will still need to use condoms and lube for intercourse, to help protect against STIs (until you are sure you are clear of STIs and neither of you have had sex with anyone else). New Zealand Family Planning 13 Upd@te Me Pregnancy What you should know if you are dating someone of the opposite-sex: • A woman can still be fertile up to a year after her last period, or two years if menopause was early, and she could get pregnant. Upd • Men can get women pregnant throughout their lifespan, although male fertility does decrease with age. • If neither partner has had sterilisation operations (tubal ligation or hysterectomy for women and vasectomy for men), and they aren’t using any contraception, even in their forties, there is still a chance of pregnancy. • A woman doesn’t have to be ovulating (releasing an egg) to get pregnant. Sperm can live up to seven days in a woman’s body. So she could have sex on a Monday, but not become pregnant until the following Saturday or Sunday. • It is possible to get pregnant without having intercourse. If a man ejaculates (comes) near a woman’s vagina, sperm can travel into the vagina, through the cervix and uterus and into the fallopian tubes. An egg can then be fertilised, causing a pregnancy. Uncommon but possible. 14 New Zealand Family Planning d@te What contraception’s right for you? Your contraceptive needs may change over the years and what suited you in your 20s may not suit you now. You and your partner will need to find a method that is right for your age, health and lifestyle. Discuss with a nurse or doctor, and your partner which method is best for you. You may decide to visit the clinic together. Men are welcome at Family Planning. Emergency Contraception Pill (ECP) Formerly known as the morning after pill. • You can take this up to 72 hours after intercourse to avoid pregnancy. • It is most effective if taken within 24 hours. • ECP is available from Family Planning, GPs, most pharmacies and at Accident and Medical clinics. New Zealand Family Planning 15 Upd@te Me Using condoms Let’s face it, some people are totally comfortable using condoms, while others can’t stand them. There are many reasons why you might be a reluctant condom user. Here are some ideas for how to handle different condom hassles: • Maybe the sensation isn’t as good. Try different sizes, shapes and brands until you find a comfortable fit. Using condoms can help a man “go longer” and using lube can add to the pleasure. • Maybe you feel uncomfortable buying them, or they are too expensive. You can get them with a $5.00 prescription or order online. • Maybe something went wrong when you used them last time. Make sure you’re using lube and practise until you feel confident. •Maybe you are worried you might lose your erection. Practise so they become second nature. Talk about it with your partner. Stop intercourse and do other things that are arousing until your erection returns. 16 New Zealand Family Planning •Maybe you are worried that they might ruin the romantic mood. If you have talked about using them beforehand, then there are no surprises and you can relax and concentrate on creating that special mood. Worrying about getting or giving an STI isn’t romantic. •Maybe you’re worried your partner will think you’re “easy” or not trust you if you want to use a condom and have one ready. Talk beforehand about using condoms and why they are important in protecting both of you. You probably both have sexual histories and people aren’t always completely honest when they want something or feel a bit embarrassed. •Maybe you’re scared your partner will get angry or abusive if you talk about condoms. If your partner gets angry or abusive when you bring up important issues for you, then your relationship is not healthy. You may need support to end the relationship - see Is this relationship healthy? (p24) •Maybe you think you don’t need to use one because you or your partner is using contraception. Most methods of contraception don’t protect against STIs. Condoms do. New Zealand Family Planning 17 Upd@te Me You can talk to Family Planning staff about condom problems. Condoms are easy to use with a bit of know-how and practice. Lubricant It’s important that you use extra waterbased lubricant with condoms. Lube makes condoms safer to use as they are less likely to break or come off during intercourse. Added lube makes intercourse more comfortable and pleasurable as it makes it easier to slide in and out. If you have anal sex , use lots of lube to enhance comfort and reduce risks of damaging the more fragile membranes in the anus. (Bruising or tearing the vagina or anus makes it easier for infections to be transmitted.) Water-based lubricants include KY Jelly, Sylk, Glyde, Top Gel. It is important only to use lubricants which are water-based. Oil-based products like massage oils, Vaseline or baby oil damage the rubber of the condom causing tiny holes which can allow sexual fluids and infections to be exchanged. 18 New Zealand Family Planning All condoms available in New Zealand must pass quality control tests. Men can experiment with different brands to get the most comfortable fit. You can buy condoms from supermarkets, petrol stations, nightclubs, dairies, pharmacies and online. TIP: You can get a bigger supply cheaper on prescription from a Family Planning clinic or a GP. Check that condoms purchased overseas have the international condom standard ISO 407:2002. An oral dam is a sheet of latex that is placed over the vaginal or anal area during oral sex. They are thin enough to transmit heat and sensation but provide an effective barrier against infections including herpes. Oral dams are available from Family Planning clinics and some pharmacies. A cut open latex glove or condom can also be used. New Zealand Family Planning 19 Upd@te Me Falling in love (again) Being in love, that intense high of infatuation, adoration and craziness is surely one of the most amazing phenomena in human behaviour. Some people say they have never experienced it, others have a once-only experience and others seem to fall in love over and over again. Upd Scientists researching the love phenomenon say that the body experiences a flood of different hormones that make us very happy and a bit irrational, like the effect of some drugs. This period lasts on average about 18 months. Characteristically we become totally overwhelmed by our feelings for the object of our desire, sometimes neglect other responsibilities and may not need much sleep or food. Often we want to be in constant contact with them, shower them with gifts and affection, and have lots of sex. The phase doesn’t just suddenly stop but gradually the idealised perceptions we have built up of our loved one become eroded and replaced with the reality of who they really are. In other words the ideal becomes the real. Often the things that endeared us to them at first – their horsey laugh or their chattiness on the phone - may start driving us nuts. 20 New Zealand Family Planning A key feature of romantic love which makes it so attractive is not knowing our lover. Long-term relationships involve knowing the person on a much deeper level. d@te This new phase in the relationship is often “make it or break it” time. Either the partnership has enough potential and strength to continue or it may dissolve at around this point. Although most people don’t want the blissful stage to end, it’s important to acknowledge that it will and prepare together for the next stage. If the relationship survives the end of the “in love” stage then you have the prospect of the rewards and challenges of a long-term loving relationship with another person. This next stage is characterised by really getting to know the other person on a deeper level – warts and all. New Zealand Family Planning 21 Upd@te Baggage Me It’s unrealistic to expect adults in their 40s and beyond not to have any emotional baggage from the past. Most people who have been through at least one long-term relationship or marriage that has ended will have some lingering feelings of regret and sadness. Upd If you are feeling confused, angry, upset or revengeful about a past relationship, it’s time to do something about it. Left unresolved these feelings will stick around and could get in the way of a positive start to a new relationship. Dealing with it • This may mean spending some quiet time working it out yourself. • There are many good books on the subject. • It might be helpful to talk to a close friend or family member. • Or you may find it useful to get professional help, from counsellors or psychologists. Bad sexual experiences Many people have had negative sexual experiences. It might be very recent or a long time in the past. Getting sexually involved with someone new can bring up old, possibly forgotten feelings and 22 New Zealand Family Planning memories. You may feel anger, shame, guilt, pain, disbelief or betrayal. These may affect your enjoyment of life and could get in the way of a positive start with someone new. d@te It’s never too late to have a good sexual experience. For more info about counselling for relationship issues contact Relationships Aotearoa in the phone book under R. Got kids? Sometimes children can be “difficult” or feel threatened when new partners come onto the scene. Try to spend time with your children to reassure them, and listen to their feelings and needs. New Zealand Family Planning 23 Upd@te Me Is this relationship healthy? You may have had wonderful relationships in the past, or may be seeking a better quality relationship for your future. A healthy relationship is one where two people feel good about themselves and each other. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Upd A respectful relationship means: • Sharing responsibilities and making decisions together. • Being able to be honest about your feelings and needs. • Listening, valuing and supporting each other. • Your opinions and decisions are respected. • You can disagree with each other. • You can go at your own pace – including sexually. • Discussing problems calmly and finding positive solutions that work for both of you. • Feeling safe. • Feeling secure – you have freedom to see your friends and have your own interests. • Having fun together and apart. 24 New Zealand Family Planning If your partner is dominating or abusing you, this isn’t love, this is control. Abuse can be sexual, emotional or physical. Warning signs of an abusive relationship: d@te • Your partner gets jealous and angry if you are spending time with other people. • Your partner is verbally or physically aggressive. • Your partner puts you down, calls you names. • Your partner uses force, threats or bargains to get what they want. • Your partner is always asking for money. • Your partner threatens to harm you, your family, friends, pets or property. • Your partner pressures you into sexual activity that you don’t want. • Your partner tries to control what you do. If any of these things are happening to you on a frequent basis, you may be in an abusive relationship. Relationship abuse is not a one-off event. It’s a cycle and usually gets worse if nothing is done to stop it. It’s not your fault - abusers are responsible for their behaviour. Use and abuse of alcohol is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. New Zealand Family Planning 25 Upd@te Me If you are feeling unsafe or being abused in a relationship, the best thing for you to do is end it. This may be difficult and you will need support. Contact Stopping Violence Services 0800 478 778. Upd If you are behaving abusively in your relationship and want to change, with help you can. Contact Stopping Violence Services 0800 478 778. 26 New Zealand Family Planning Long-range forecast Many people at some stage experience sexual problems in their relationship such as loss of desire, erection problems or vaginal dryness. Some problems may benefit from medical treatment; others may be more psychological in nature and talking to a skilled and sympathetic professional can help. Talking to someone confidentially at Family Planning is a good first step and they can refer you to an appropriate professional – such as a sex therapist - if you wish. d@te • Keep a clear idea in your head about what you want and don’t want. Regularly refer to your list. Think about these questions: - Does it fit with my life plan? - Does this relationship match my personal values and belief system? - Am I being respected and valued? - What does my gut instinct tell me? • Keep up your interests and friendships outside the relationship. The End? We all have different expectations and thresholds in relationships. Often people know deep down that things are not right but stay in the relationship for a long time (or forever) for different reasons. They often keep their true feelings hidden, New Zealand Family Planning 27 Upd@te Me sometimes even from themselves, hoping that things will change. Only you can assess whether it’s worth staying in there - or if it’s time to go. Upd It may be worth staying if: • There is goodwill and a commitment on both sides to work on the relationship problems. • You can discuss problems reasonably and make constructive changes. • There is no sexual, physical or emotional abuse in the relationship. No-one is controlling the other. • Both parties can acknowledge responsibility for their part in the problems. It may be time to consider leaving if: • You or your children feel unsafe. • Your health is suffering because of your relationship. • There is constant conflict. • There is physical, sexual or emotional abuse – including constant criticism. • The other party is not willing to commit to working on the problems. • One or both partners have lost respect or feel contempt for the other. Remember nothing is so bad you can’t talk about it. 28 New Zealand Family Planning Ending it It’s never easy being the one to end a relationship, particularly if it has been a medium or long-term one. d@te TIPS: • Think about how you would like to be told. • End it in person, not by phone, email or text - unless you think you might be in danger. If you feel unsafe in your relationship, get help and create a plan to leave safely. • Once made, stick to your decision. It can be easy to be persuaded to “try again.” • Set aside time to talk so you don’t have to rush off. • Don’t make it the other person’s fault – use “I” statements. • Be honest but caring. How to survive a break-up Depending on the length of the relationship, your expectations about it and the cause of the break-up, it is natural to feel distress when an important relationship ends – you may feel rejection, disappointment, regret, anger, hurt, sadness, shame, guilt, anxiety, or depression. New Zealand Family Planning 29 Upd@te Me Sometimes the end of a relationship is a positive thing – you may feel relief, freedom, even joy. But if it was a relationship you wanted to continue with, or your partner betrayed your trust, you will need time to get over it. Upd Give yourself time to grieve. • Express it – talk to others. Talk to close, trusted friends and family who know you well. Talk to people who will listen supportively but not take sides. • Express it - talk to yourself. But monitor your self-talk. Are you blaming yourself? Are you being overly self-critical? If these negative thoughts are dominating, pretty soon you will probably have a mood to match. • Express it in other ways. Some people may find it useful to express their thoughts in a journal or through artwork. Others may just need time to cry. • Do things you enjoy. This may mean booking a babysitter to go out with “the girls” or “the boys,” or just to a movie with your best friend. Arrange a break if you can, throw yourself into the garden or get back into fitness. Do things that make you feel better, with people who make you feel good. 30 New Zealand Family Planning • When you are ready, think about why it ended and learn from it. Relationships are always dynamic. What was your part in the problems you were having? What was your partner’s part? In what way did the relationship meet your needs? In what ways didn’t it? What will you take from this experience into the next relationship? And what will you throw out? d@te • Get professional help if your feelings become overwhelming or you are feeling constantly depressed. New Zealand Family Planning 31 Upd@te Me Taking care of your health Did you know? Family Planning provides sexual health services for men and women of all ages. Upd E.g: • condoms • contraception • menopause support • STI checks • HIV testing • Cervical smears. Cervical smear tests are recommended every three years for women over 20 once they have become sexually active. Even if a woman hasn’t had vaginal sex for years, she should have regular smear tests. The purpose is to check the cervix for any signs of changes in the cells which could be pre-cancerous. Early detection is important for early treatment. 32 New Zealand Family Planning d@te Me Funded by the Ministry of Health © New Zealand Family Planning First edition 2008 Revised 2013 For further information and resources visit www.familyplanning.org.nz Find us on Facebook www.facebook.com/familyplanningnz New Zealand Family Planning Upd@te Me Upd familyplanning.org.nz
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