Upd@teMe
Upd@te
Me
U
Sexual health and relationship
information for the over
40s looking for (or in) a new
relationship.
New Zealand Family Planning
Upd@te
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New Zealand Family Planning
Upd@te
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Sexual health
and relationship
information for
the over 40s
looking for (or in)
a new relationship.
Are you 40+, and getting back into
dating and relationships?
Maybe your long-term relationship or
marriage has ended, or maybe you’ve
been single for some time. Whatever
your situation, if you find yourself back
in the dating game you may need an
Upd@te.
Men and women of any age can
have satisfying, passionate sexual
relationships. However we express
our sexuality it can change as we get
older. We may want sex less (or more)
often. Perhaps we want to do different
activities than in our 20s and 30s. For
some people, sexuality becomes more
aligned with spirituality. Others may
find the 40 + years the most sexually
satisfying and relaxed. Whatever the
circumstances, most people continue
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to be sexually active as they get older.
And most people want to have an
intimate relationship with a loving
partner.
Upd@
Some people may have never imagined
the possibility of their long-term
relationship ending, whether through
break-up or death. There may be
considerable adjustment to accepting
new possibilities.
Things have changed. There are more
ways of meeting someone – e.g. on the
internet, speed-dating… There seem to
be more infections around too. There are
lots of brands of condoms and types of
sex toys out there.
You may have been wondering:
• What about HIV and other sexually
transmissible infections (STIs)?
• Do I need to use condoms? • Am I ready for a relationship?
• How do I avoid getting hurt? • What’s safe and what’s dodgy?
• Is unplanned pregnancy still an issue?
For answers to these questions and
many more, read on...
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Before you start
Before starting a new relationship it’s a
good idea to prepare yourself - physically
and emotionally -
@teM
• Get a sexual health warrant of fitness. Visit a Family Planning Clinic (or your
GP or sexual health service) and get a
check-up to reassure yourself that you
are sexually healthy before you start
a relationship. Ask for a copy of your
results and keep it.
• Think about what you want from a
relationship. You might like to write
down your answers to these questions
and keep them:
- What qualities would you like in a new partner? Make a list.
- What are the non-negotiables?
- Prioritise your top four or five.
- What things would be unacceptable to you in a new partner?
- What are the qualities you bring to a new relationship?
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How can I meet
someone?
Many people still meet partners via
whanau/family, work or friends, through
a shared interest or at a party. However
others may find their busy lives prevent
them from doing much socialising.
For these people, dating services may
be useful. While services like internet
dating, dating agencies and speed dating
can’t guarantee success in finding a
perfect partner, they can be useful in
bringing people together. The rest is
up to you! Each method has pros and
cons, but whichever one you choose
(or mix of methods) the best way to
meet other singles is to get out there
yourself. Whatever route you take to
find someone, all the usual highs and
lows and risks to heart, head and body
still apply.
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Overseas liaisons
Some people go on an overseas holiday
and meet someone. Often people behave
differently on holiday to how they would
at home and can end up doing things
they didn’t plan and later regret, like
returning from holiday with a sexual
infection (STI). Many countries have
much higher rates of STIs including HIV
than New Zealand, including Pacific and
Asian countries. It’s not safe to have
unprotected sex at home or overseas.
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How does Internet
dating work?
Some dating websites cater for people
looking for casual sexual partners;
others for those looking for something
more serious and long-term. Some
contain explicit sexual language and
images; others don’t. Some may charge a
membership fee.
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• Create a personal profile with
information about yourself and what
you are seeking in a partner.
• Operate under a nick-name.
• Don’t reveal your real name or contact
details until you are ready to.
• Be honest about who you are and
what you really want.
• Include a photo if you want.
• It’s up to you who you contact and
when.
• Strike up an online conversation. You
may arrange to meet in person.
• Never send money to anyone you
have only had an online relationship
with.
TIPS: “Relationships” can
develop extremely quickly in
cyberspace, often much faster
than they would in the real
world.
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• Keep in mind that the profile
is a constructed version of
the person, it is not really
them. Upd
• If you like the sound of
someone, meet as soon
as possible so that you
can decide if you want to
continue the relationship or
not. • Arrange to meet in a public
place, tell a friend where you
are going, and check in with
them after each date.
Meeting up early on can save
a lot of time and emotional
investment.
Remember, people can easily lie
about anything online - their age,
their appearance, their relationship
status.
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Sexual etiquette
You might feel that because you are older
and have some sexual experience, you
have to jump into being sexual straight
away. You don’t! Go at your own pace
and tell your partner what you want to
do and not do. Sexual desire isn’t always
there at the beginning but it can grow
over time. Or you might have an intense
sexual connection right from the first
date.
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People often hold strong personal beliefs
about sexual behaviour. For some
people sex is only right in a long-term
relationship or marriage. For others it’s
fine to have sex with a casual partner.
Don’t assume that if you are being
sexual with a person on one level, you
can automatically start being sexual on
other levels. Kissing doesn’t mean that
intercourse comes next.
One night stands happen, and sex
may happen sooner in a developing
relationship than you actually plan for, so
make sure that you are honouring your
(and your partner’s) value system. Only
do what’s right for you.
Good sex for most people is not about
having a great body or trying all the
sexual positions in the book.
Great sex happens when there is trust,
you are relaxed, feel safe and can
communicate your sexual desires.
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Sexual intimacy involves being close and
comfortable enough to discuss:
• How you like to touch and be touched.
• Your sexual boundaries.
• Contraception and condom
responsibilities.
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Having sex changes your relationship.
It can stir powerful emotions. Stronger
feelings often develop, which may bring
you closer, but may also bring you closer to
the possibility of getting hurt. Remember
the risks of confusing sex for love. That
doesn’t mean don’t have sex, but make
sure you are ready for it.
TIP: Talk to a trusted friend about
how the relationship is going, so
that if things do go wrong, you
have some support.
Consent
It’s never OK to push someone into going
further than they want to go. Consent
is about getting clear “yes” messages for
every activity. Sexual intercourse without
consent is rape. People cannot consent to
sexual activities if they are unconscious,
really drunk or high on drugs. Check out
what your partner wants. Your partner
should always have the right to say no,
regardless of any previous sexual activity.
And silence doesn’t mean consent. If in
any doubt, ask!
Remember it’s your right to say NO to
anything you don’t want at any time
and have that wish respected.
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Alcohol and drugs
Many people use alcohol or other drugs
to loosen up on a date. Using alcohol
or other drugs can affect your ability to
make good decisions about your sexual
behaviour, your choice of partner and
condom use. Heavy use increases the
chances of having sex you didn’t want,
risky sex, sex with someone you haven’t
known long and sex you later regret.
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Stay in control of your drink and drug
intake so that you are comfortable with
what you are doing and won’t regret it
the next day.
Making it sexy and
romantic
There is nothing sexy or romantic about
being worried that you are at risk of
infection or pregnancy. Knowing that
you have these things sorted means you
can relax and concentrate on your and
your partner’s pleasure. It also signals
to your partner that you care about your
health and theirs and are not willing to
compromise these things.
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Talking about
safer sex
It’s not easy talking about sexual health
matters, especially with someone you
don’t know very well. It may be better
to put off having sex until you have
built up some intimacy and trust in the
relationship. Then the subject will be
easier to discuss.
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TIPS:
• Having a “sex plan” well
thought out before you are in
a relationship is a good idea,
e.g. planning not to have sex
without condoms.
• Talk about safer sex before
you get into a sexual
situation. When the heat
is on, you are horny, you
are not necessarily thinking
clearly and may throw
caution (and condoms) to the
wind! • Talk about safer sex before
you drink or use drugs or
party pills.
• Make sure you have privacy
and time to talk.
• Tell your partner that you
would like to find a time to
talk about sex and safety.
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• If you are nervous, say so;
this can often dispel the
nerves a bit. Chances are
your partner will be nervous
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• Remember kissing, stroking, massaging, licking, rubbing
and mutual masturbation are
pleasurable and safe.
Be honest and clear. For example,“I feel
a bit nervous talking about this but it’s
important to me that we do. I really
want to have sex with you, and I want
to make it as safe as possible. I’d like us
both to have STI checks first and when
we decide to have sex I want us to use
condoms and lube. Until then I’d like to
just stick to other things, like kissing and
cuddling and touching. What do you
think?” If they react negatively to your
suggestion, maybe it would be wise to
think twice about progressing things.
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Keeping it safe
Sexually transmissible
infections (STIs) including HIV
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We all make assumptions about people
based on their appearance, but you
can’t tell if someone has an STI just by
looking.
You can’t judge that someone is “safe”
to sleep with because they are welldressed or drive a nice car. Many STIs
have no signs or symptoms. Assume
nothing. The only way to know for sure
is to have an STI check-up. Getting
tested can increase your sexual and
dating confidence because you can relax
knowing you are not likely to be bringing
any infections into the relationship.
You can get STIs - including HIV - at any
age. STI rates are high in New Zealand,
including in the over 40s.
Condoms are the best protection against
chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and HIV (which
can lead to AIDS). Because some
infections can be passed on through
skin to skin contact, condoms are less
effective at preventing infections like
syphilis, genital herpes and wart viruses.
However condoms do reduce the risk of
these infections.
Get regular sexual health check-ups
(even if you are using condoms).
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• STI checks are simple and quick. Some tests involve a urine sample.
You may be offered a swab if there
are symptoms. If you don’t have
symptoms, you may be able to take
your own swabs.
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• Some of the tests may be briefly
uncomfortable but shouldn’t hurt.
• Family Planning staff are nonjudgemental and friendly.
• Unless you and your partner have both
had “clear” test results and you are
certain that neither of you is having
sex with anyone else, you will need to
use condoms and lubricant for vaginal
or anal intercourse, and condoms for
fellatio (oral sex on a man).
• If you have any symptoms of an
STI (e.g. discharge, unusual odour,
soreness, itchiness, lumps, ulcers) see
a GP, Family Planning or sexual health
service straight away, but remember
that you can have an infection
without any symptoms. If you have
had unprotected vaginal or anal
intercourse, have an STI check two to
three weeks afterwards.
• Even if you are no longer fertile
or are using another method of
contraception, you will still need to
use condoms and lube for intercourse,
to help protect against STIs (until
you are sure you are clear of STIs
and neither of you have had sex with
anyone else).
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Pregnancy
What you should know if you are dating
someone of the opposite-sex:
• A woman can still be fertile up to a
year after her last period, or two years
if menopause was early, and she could
get pregnant.
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• Men can get women pregnant
throughout their lifespan, although
male fertility does decrease with age.
• If neither partner has had
sterilisation operations (tubal ligation
or hysterectomy for women and
vasectomy for men), and they aren’t
using any contraception, even in
their forties, there is still a chance of
pregnancy.
• A woman doesn’t have to be
ovulating (releasing an egg) to get
pregnant. Sperm can live up to seven
days in a woman’s body. So she
could have sex on a Monday, but not
become pregnant until the following
Saturday or Sunday.
• It is possible to get pregnant without
having intercourse. If a man
ejaculates (comes) near a woman’s
vagina, sperm can travel into the
vagina, through the cervix and uterus
and into the fallopian tubes. An
egg can then be fertilised, causing a
pregnancy. Uncommon but possible.
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What contraception’s
right for you?
Your contraceptive needs may change
over the years and what suited you in
your 20s may not suit you now. You and
your partner will need to find a method
that is right for your age, health and
lifestyle. Discuss with a nurse or doctor,
and your partner which method is best
for you. You may decide to visit the clinic
together. Men are welcome at Family
Planning.
Emergency Contraception
Pill (ECP)
Formerly known as the
morning after pill.
• You can take this up to 72 hours after
intercourse to avoid pregnancy.
• It is most effective if taken within 24
hours.
• ECP is available from Family
Planning, GPs, most pharmacies and
at Accident and Medical clinics.
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Using condoms
Let’s face it, some people are totally
comfortable using condoms, while
others can’t stand them. There are many
reasons why you might be a reluctant
condom user.
Here are some ideas for how to handle
different condom hassles:
• Maybe the sensation isn’t as good.
Try different sizes, shapes and brands
until you find a comfortable fit. Using
condoms can help a man “go longer”
and using lube can add to the pleasure.
• Maybe you feel uncomfortable
buying them, or they are too
expensive.
You can get them with a $5.00
prescription or order online.
• Maybe something went wrong when
you used them last time.
Make sure you’re using lube and
practise until you feel confident.
•Maybe you are worried you might
lose your erection.
Practise so they become second nature.
Talk about it with your partner. Stop
intercourse and do other things that are
arousing until your erection returns.
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•Maybe you are worried that they
might ruin the romantic mood.
If you have talked about using them
beforehand, then there are no surprises
and you can relax and concentrate on
creating that special mood. Worrying
about getting or giving an STI isn’t
romantic.
•Maybe you’re worried your partner
will think you’re “easy” or not trust
you if you want to use a condom and
have one ready.
Talk beforehand about using condoms
and why they are important in
protecting both of you. You probably
both have sexual histories and people
aren’t always completely honest when
they want something or feel a bit
embarrassed.
•Maybe you’re scared your partner
will get angry or abusive if you talk
about condoms.
If your partner gets angry or abusive
when you bring up important issues
for you, then your relationship is not
healthy. You may need support to end
the relationship - see Is this relationship
healthy? (p24)
•Maybe you think you don’t need to
use one because you or your partner
is using contraception.
Most methods of contraception don’t
protect against STIs. Condoms do.
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You can talk to Family Planning staff
about condom problems.
Condoms are easy to use with a bit of
know-how and practice.
Lubricant
It’s important that you use extra waterbased lubricant with condoms. Lube
makes condoms safer to use as they
are less likely to break or come off
during intercourse. Added lube makes
intercourse more comfortable and
pleasurable as it makes it easier to slide
in and out.
If you have anal sex , use lots of lube
to enhance comfort and reduce risks of
damaging the more fragile membranes
in the anus. (Bruising or tearing the
vagina or anus makes it easier for
infections to be transmitted.)
Water-based lubricants include KY Jelly,
Sylk, Glyde, Top Gel.
It is important only to use lubricants
which are water-based. Oil-based
products like massage oils, Vaseline
or baby oil damage the rubber of the
condom causing tiny holes which can
allow sexual fluids and infections to be
exchanged.
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All condoms available in New Zealand
must pass quality control tests. Men
can experiment with different brands to
get the most comfortable fit.
You can buy condoms from
supermarkets, petrol stations,
nightclubs, dairies, pharmacies and
online.
TIP: You can get a bigger
supply cheaper on prescription
from a Family Planning clinic
or a GP.
Check that condoms purchased
overseas have the international condom
standard ISO 407:2002.
An oral dam is a sheet of latex that is
placed over the vaginal or anal area
during oral sex. They are thin enough
to transmit heat and sensation but
provide an effective barrier against
infections including herpes. Oral dams
are available from Family Planning
clinics and some pharmacies. A cut
open latex glove or condom can also be
used.
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Falling in love
(again)
Being in love, that intense high of
infatuation, adoration and craziness
is surely one of the most amazing
phenomena in human behaviour. Some
people say they have never experienced
it, others have a once-only experience
and others seem to fall in love over and
over again.
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Scientists researching the love
phenomenon say that the body
experiences a flood of different
hormones that make us very happy and
a bit irrational, like the effect of some
drugs. This period lasts on average
about 18 months. Characteristically
we become totally overwhelmed by
our feelings for the object of our desire,
sometimes neglect other responsibilities
and may not need much sleep or food.
Often we want to be in constant contact
with them, shower them with gifts and
affection, and have lots of sex. The
phase doesn’t just suddenly stop but
gradually the idealised perceptions we
have built up of our loved one become
eroded and replaced with the reality of
who they really are. In other words the
ideal becomes the real. Often the things
that endeared us to them at first – their
horsey laugh or their chattiness on the
phone - may start driving us nuts.
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A key feature of romantic love which
makes it so attractive is not knowing our
lover. Long-term relationships involve
knowing the person on a much deeper
level.
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This new phase in the relationship is
often “make it or break it” time. Either
the partnership has enough potential
and strength to continue or it may
dissolve at around this point. Although
most people don’t want the blissful stage
to end, it’s important to acknowledge
that it will and prepare together for the
next stage.
If the relationship survives the end of
the “in love” stage then you have the
prospect of the rewards and challenges
of a long-term loving relationship with
another person. This next stage is
characterised by really getting to know
the other person on a deeper level –
warts and all.
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Baggage
Me
It’s unrealistic to expect adults in
their 40s and beyond not to have any
emotional baggage from the past. Most
people who have been through at least
one long-term relationship or marriage
that has ended will have some lingering
feelings of regret and sadness.
Upd
If you are feeling confused, angry, upset
or revengeful about a past relationship,
it’s time to do something about it. Left
unresolved these feelings will stick
around and could get in the way of a
positive start to a new relationship.
Dealing with it
• This may mean spending some quiet
time working it out yourself.
• There are many good books on the
subject.
• It might be helpful to talk to a close
friend or family member.
• Or you may find it useful to get
professional help, from counsellors or
psychologists.
Bad sexual experiences
Many people have had negative sexual
experiences. It might be very recent or
a long time in the past. Getting sexually
involved with someone new can bring
up old, possibly forgotten feelings and
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memories. You may feel anger, shame,
guilt, pain, disbelief or betrayal. These may
affect your enjoyment of life and could
get in the way of a positive start with
someone new.
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It’s never too late to have a good sexual
experience.
For more info about counselling for
relationship issues contact Relationships
Aotearoa in the phone book under R.
Got kids?
Sometimes children can be “difficult” or
feel threatened when new partners come
onto the scene. Try to spend time with
your children to reassure them, and listen
to their feelings and needs.
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Is this relationship
healthy?
You may have had wonderful
relationships in the past, or may be
seeking a better quality relationship for
your future. A healthy relationship is
one where two people feel good about
themselves and each other. Everyone
deserves to be treated with respect.
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A respectful relationship means:
• Sharing responsibilities and making
decisions together.
• Being able to be honest about your
feelings and needs.
• Listening, valuing and supporting
each other.
• Your opinions and decisions are
respected.
• You can disagree with each other.
• You can go at your own pace –
including sexually.
• Discussing problems calmly and
finding positive solutions that work
for both of you.
• Feeling safe.
• Feeling secure – you have freedom to
see your friends and have your own
interests.
• Having fun together and apart.
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If your partner is dominating or abusing
you, this isn’t love, this is control. Abuse
can be sexual, emotional or physical.
Warning signs of an abusive relationship:
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• Your partner gets jealous and angry
if you are spending time with other
people.
• Your partner is verbally or physically
aggressive.
• Your partner puts you down, calls you
names.
• Your partner uses force, threats or
bargains to get what they want.
• Your partner is always asking for
money.
• Your partner threatens to harm you,
your family, friends, pets or property.
• Your partner pressures you into sexual
activity that you don’t want.
• Your partner tries to control what you
do.
If any of these things are happening to
you on a frequent basis, you may be in
an abusive relationship. Relationship
abuse is not a one-off event. It’s a cycle
and usually gets worse if nothing is done
to stop it. It’s not your fault - abusers
are responsible for their behaviour. Use
and abuse of alcohol is not an excuse for
abusive behaviour.
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If you are feeling unsafe or being abused
in a relationship, the best thing for you
to do is end it. This may be difficult and
you will need support. Contact Stopping
Violence Services 0800 478 778.
Upd
If you are behaving abusively in your
relationship and want to change, with
help you can. Contact Stopping Violence
Services 0800 478 778.
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Long-range forecast
Many people at some stage experience
sexual problems in their relationship
such as loss of desire, erection problems
or vaginal dryness. Some problems may
benefit from medical treatment; others
may be more psychological in nature
and talking to a skilled and sympathetic
professional can help. Talking to someone
confidentially at Family Planning is a
good first step and they can refer you to
an appropriate professional – such as a
sex therapist - if you wish.
d@te
• Keep a clear idea in your head about
what you want and don’t want.
Regularly refer to your list. Think about
these questions:
- Does it fit with my life plan?
- Does this relationship match my personal values and belief system?
- Am I being respected and valued?
- What does my gut instinct tell me?
• Keep up your interests and friendships
outside the relationship.
The End?
We all have different expectations and
thresholds in relationships. Often people
know deep down that things are not right
but stay in the relationship for a long time
(or forever) for different reasons. They
often keep their true feelings hidden,
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sometimes even from themselves,
hoping that things will change. Only
you can assess whether it’s worth staying
in there - or if it’s time to go.
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It may be worth staying if:
• There is goodwill and a commitment
on both sides to work on the
relationship problems.
• You can discuss problems reasonably
and make constructive changes.
• There is no sexual, physical or
emotional abuse in the relationship.
No-one is controlling the other.
• Both parties can acknowledge
responsibility for their part in the
problems.
It may be time to consider leaving if:
• You or your children feel unsafe.
• Your health is suffering because of
your relationship.
• There is constant conflict.
• There is physical, sexual or emotional
abuse – including constant criticism.
• The other party is not willing to
commit to working on the problems.
• One or both partners have lost
respect or feel contempt for the other.
Remember nothing is so bad you can’t
talk about it.
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Ending it
It’s never easy being the one to end a
relationship, particularly if it has been a
medium or long-term one.
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TIPS:
• Think about how you would
like to be told.
• End it in person, not by
phone, email or text - unless
you think you might be in
danger. If you feel unsafe in
your relationship, get help
and create a plan to leave
safely.
• Once made, stick to your
decision. It can be easy to be
persuaded to “try again.”
• Set aside time to talk so you
don’t have to rush off.
• Don’t make it the other
person’s fault – use “I”
statements.
• Be honest but caring.
How to survive
a break-up
Depending on the length of the
relationship, your expectations about
it and the cause of the break-up, it
is natural to feel distress when an
important relationship ends – you may
feel rejection, disappointment, regret,
anger, hurt, sadness, shame, guilt,
anxiety, or depression.
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Sometimes the end of a relationship
is a positive thing – you may feel
relief, freedom, even joy. But if it was
a relationship you wanted to continue
with, or your partner betrayed your trust,
you will need time to get over it.
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Give yourself time to grieve.
• Express it – talk to others. Talk to
close, trusted friends and family who
know you well. Talk to people who
will listen supportively but not take
sides.
• Express it - talk to yourself. But
monitor your self-talk. Are you
blaming yourself? Are you being
overly self-critical? If these negative
thoughts are dominating, pretty soon
you will probably have a mood to
match.
• Express it in other ways. Some people
may find it useful to express their
thoughts in a journal or through
artwork. Others may just need time
to cry.
• Do things you enjoy. This may mean
booking a babysitter to go out with
“the girls” or “the boys,” or just to a
movie with your best friend. Arrange
a break if you can, throw yourself into
the garden or get back into fitness.
Do things that make you feel better,
with people who make you feel good.
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• When you are ready, think about
why it ended and learn from it.
Relationships are always dynamic.
What was your part in the problems
you were having? What was your
partner’s part? In what way did the
relationship meet your needs? In
what ways didn’t it? What will you
take from this experience into the
next relationship? And what will you
throw out?
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• Get professional help if your feelings
become overwhelming or you are
feeling constantly depressed.
New Zealand Family Planning
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Taking care of
your health
Did you know?
Family Planning provides sexual health
services for men and women of all ages.
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E.g:
• condoms
• contraception
• menopause support
• STI checks
• HIV testing
• Cervical smears.
Cervical smear tests are recommended
every three years for women over 20
once they have become sexually active.
Even if a woman hasn’t had vaginal
sex for years, she should have regular
smear tests. The purpose is to check
the cervix for any signs of changes in
the cells which could be pre-cancerous.
Early detection is important for early
treatment.
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New Zealand Family Planning
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Funded by the Ministry of Health
© New Zealand Family Planning
First edition 2008
Revised 2013
For further information and resources
visit www.familyplanning.org.nz
Find us on Facebook
www.facebook.com/familyplanningnz
New Zealand Family Planning
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familyplanning.org.nz