THEHULNEWS,
OPINIONS
Septen,hr8.2006
THE WAYWARD W O R D S
OF
PAGE 3
S A I N T ! The largest incoming First-Year class in S t Lawrence
history! Welcome!
S A I N T ! Quesadilla Night in
Dana! Way to go with a delicious
new inovation.
SAINT:
Nalgenes.
WELLINGTON AND WHISTLEWIGK
Cuthbert Wellington & Bertram H. Whistlewick
Columnists
Feeling welcomed: we've all heard about it but what does it really
mean? Some people like to write introductory humor columns to the #i//
News. Some people might tell you it'll be a column with a different kind of
topic every week, dealing with St. Lawrence student life issues, with
ribald satire of the socio-cultural-economic-geopolitical-transcendentalist campus climbs. Some people also might use British pseudonyms.
We're not those kind of people. So biehvenue, and we invite you to
tolerate this column you found so rudely wedged in your CMR box.
We're sorry the mailroom has yet again ruined a perfectly good Friday.
Anyhoo, here's the glistening breast of our Butterball turkey: how to
make people feel welcome. If you're an incoming freshman— oh, excuse
me—first-year student, arriving for your first time on campus can prove
daunting, and settling in even more so. However, this is something that
humans have had to deal with ever since the beginning of time when the
almighty created man out of Lincoln Logs and Play-Doh and breathed
life into Adam's frail form through his magic index finger. Just imagining
how awkward that first conversation must've been can really help put
your own ham-handed attempts at social interaction into perspective.
GOD: Hey, Adam. What's poppin'?
ADAM:... Who am I? Why am I here?
GOD: Shut up and give me your rib.
The point is, you've got it easy. This is a time for bonding, breaking
the ice, getting to know your birds of a St. Lawrence feather, and eventually, flocking together. I couldn't be more simple, especially if you follow
these easy instructions, gathered from a wide-array of well respected
sources:
1. Give yourself a nickname: It's essential to distinguish yourself from
the pack as soon as possible. Having an awesome nickname will immediately alert your peers to the fact that you're better than they are, thus
skyrocketing your social standing. We recommend something tough but
endearing, like "Soda-Can." A cold uncompromising exterior, but a delicious, effervescent interior. Or how- about "Houdini?" Not only does it
conjure all the mystery and magic of the dearly departed entertainer, it's
also the name of a scurrilous sexual position. But we won't get into
that... Yet.
2. Exchange gifts: In a highly competitive environment, a creative,
thoughtful present can often be the difference between a long, drawn
out "friend-courtship" and immediate "friend-copulation." Now, everybody knows that Retro is in and the further back you go, the cooler you
become. Ante-bellum handi-crafts are all the rage*.? Ladies, just mink how
that young Rake-hell's eyes will twinkle when you giddily proffer him a
hand-woven sampler; cleverly emblazoned with a pair of yoked oxen!
You may as well swish your gingham dressrightthere and call him yours,
you'll make such a mash!
3. Make a good first impression: This one's obvious. There's no more
crucial time in any budding friendship than the initial meeting. Luckily,
starting things off with a bang couldn't be easier. Tell them your name,
tell them your dreams, tell them how desperately you want them to be a
part of those and invite them over for cocktails. Nothing says I'm ready
for a friend more than a display of unbridled heed. It's also essential to
appear cultured and worldly. Trying out a foreign greeting here in America
can add zest andflavorto me formality of meeting strangers. As a form of
friendly salute, the ancient Greeks often grasped each other's testicles
before any verbal exchange was made. A good squeeze of the manpouch can tell you a lot about a fellow and everyone will be impressed by
your unconventional handshake. We don't really understand it: it's Greek
to us!
Don't forget to watch for our column next week on stem-cell research,
depending on what you consider life, it may or may not be a "killer"
article!
.
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F U V M A T O R Y : The new
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THELMO 101
Brigette C.Smith
Columnist
For those students who are new to campus (or those who have not bothered to listen to the
explanation), here is Thelmo 101, A Brief Introduction to the Thelomathesian Society. Thelmo is the
student government organization for S.LU. It meets once a week in the student center to discuss issues, grant
or deny contingency requests (funding requests), and just generally voice concerns of the student body. You
apply and the executive board fills the Senate seats on a first come-first served basis. The rules of conduct are
rather easy; wear nice clothes ("business casual" is the official term) and wait your turn to talk. Further lessons
will follow in subsequent columns.
This column is meant to be an alternative to the previous years' "Thelmo Notes" articles, in which the
highlights of the weekly Thelmo meetings were dutifully, if not excitingly, reported to the student body. My
thoughts on these "Thelmo Notes" were: a) if you wanted to read die minutes, they were posted online on the
Thelmo website, and b) if you were interested in what happened at those meetings you were either already at
die meetings or had asked someone who was. The problem with Thelmo news (or Thelmo gossip, as is often the
case) is that it spreads like wildfire, but is often as inaccurate as it is abundant. Personal hyperbole and simple
miscommunication has lead to somewhat inaccurate (but sometimes amusing) accounts of Thelmo meetings
being spread amongst the student body.
So my personal thoughts on the matter are as follows: if you want to know what happens at a Thelmo
meeting, then show up. Seriously, you do not have to be a member in order to show up and voice an opinion.
It is the student government, meaning that all students are welcome.
The dress code is not that restricting (most people own khakis and at least one unstained shirt). If the time
is inconvenient due to classes or meetings, that is one thing, but the one issue most members of Thelmo (past
and present) really have a problem with is people complaining that Thelmo does not serve the student body,
while the people doing the complaining fail to shoiy up to any meetings or engage at all with the members of
Thelmo. Problems can only be addressed if they are known to exist.
This is.not meant to be an excuse for Thelmo being, at times, beaurocratic and nit-picky about issue. It can
be. I merely point out that it is a two way street; we just can't seem to agree who is driving on the wrong side
of it
For the rest of the year, I am hoping to do a more in depth analysis of issues surrounding our student
government, and leave the reporting of important events to a less biased section of the paper. Some issues I
wish to discuss include whether Thelmo Exec board members should get paid a salary, the efficiency of the
election process, and how Thelmo effects change on campus. Some of these issues may seem pro-Thelmo,
others will not The beauty of writing a column, and not "notes," is that I do not have to be unbiased about it.
As for personal information, I would like to point out why die-editors of me Hill News have entrusted me with
a column on Thelmo.
I have been a member of Thelmo since I came to St. Lawrence as a freshman three long years ago, with the
exception of last semester when I was abroad in London. I served two semesters as a Senator, then one as
Assistant Chair of Academic Affairs, then was elected for two semesters as Secretary. I have sat on the
Executive Board and on Faculty Councils, attended multiple Board of Trustees meetings, and answered more
questions about Thelmo than I ever thought possible. I will not be a member of Thelmo this year (it would be
a conflict of interest with writing this column) but I do intend to be present at the meetings, if only so I have
material each week. I encourage anyone reading this column to respond to me wim any questions or commentary about any columns written.
BOOK READING!
T H E FIRST O F T H I S YEAR'S AUTHOR SERIES!
DR. PETER BAILEY T O PRESENT HIS L A T E S T W O R K :
RABBIT (UN) REDEEMED: THE DRAMA OF BELIEF IN JOHN
UPDIKE'S
FICTION
W H E N : FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15,4:00 P.M.
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