Headstrong
by George Sapio
CAST
Norman Miller: 40s, arrogant, brilliant, romantic, indefatigable
Mixie Miller: upper 30s–early 40s, beautiful, frustrated, emotionally ragged
Ted: Mixie’s lover; same age as Mixie. Bullish, sensitive, in love with Mixie
Lisa/Lee Connoway: any age, energetic, determined (casting decides gender)
SET: the Miller’s living room.
TIME: Right now!
SYNOPSIS: Norman Miller has a Medieval literature Ph.D. He is also a sexually
impotent, unemployed, unsuccessful writer of fine literature tainted with passages so
explicitly sexual that no one wants to publish them. His wife, Mixie, truly loves him but
after fifteen years of Norman’s arrogance has stopped believing in his talent. Mixie and
her lover, Ted (who has been in love with Mixie since the third grade), accidentally
murder him. Ted decides to dispose of the body in “small pieces.” While he's doing that,
Norman’s agent unexpectedly appears, announcing that Norman’s just-about-to-bereleased first book will be a hit. Mixie decides that since Norman has never met the agent
face to face, that Ted can impersonate him and the two of them will reap the rewards.
Norman’s severed head suddenly reanimates and bullies Ted into typing the last chapter
of his second and final book. Through dictation, Norman plants the idea of impotence in
Ted's psyche. Ted destroys the head but Norman keeps returning via TV, radio, and
typewriter.
NOTE: Norman can either work on a typewriter, which is probably somewhat archaic,
but reeks appropriately of pomposity, or a laptop.
George Sapio
PO Box 403, Spencer, NY 14883
(607) 351-3765 (cell)
[email protected]
www.gsapio.com
Headstrong—Sapio / 1
ACT 1, SCENE 1
Lights fade up. Norman at typewriter, Mixie enters with
grocery bag. Norman triumphantly rips the sheet of paper
from the typewriter.
NORMAN
Perfect timing, Mixie!
MIXIE
Norman? What are you doing home?
NORMAN
Cementing the legacy, Mix. The incredible Milo Black has penned yet another
classic. Wanna read it?
MIXIE
Oh god. They fired you on the first day?
NORMAN
Of course not!
MIXIE
Norman…why…are…you…home?
NORMAN
Well, I came home for lunch…
MIXIE
Aww, shit.
NORMAN
But I had this great idea this morning! Mixie, it was brilliance!
MIXIE
Norman…
NORMAN
I came home to just…start it…and I guess I forgot to go back. Didn’t even realize
till now.
MIXIE
You left for lunch and didn’t go back. On your first day.
NORMAN
This was important! A new story, Mixie! Come on, let me read it to you.
MIXIE
You left a brand new job on the first day to come home and write another of those
worthless fantasies.
NORMAN
Worthless?
MIXIE
Yes, Norman. Worthless. Just like all the hundreds of others you’ve wasted your
life—and mine—writing. Worthless!
NORMAN
Jeepers, Mixie. I can see you’re angry, Mixie . . .
Headstrong—Sapio / 2
MIXIE
I left work early today and stopped at the supermarket and got all your favorite
foods because I wanted to cook your favorite meal to congratulate you on your
first day at work.
NORMAN
Mixie, I’m sorry. I really am. But please . . . read the story, Mixie, just [read it.]
MIXIE
You are completely without conscience and have no grasp whatsoever on reality.
You’re sick. You need help. You are diseased. You are a liar and a bastard. Your
stories are just a reflection of you, Norman: worthless and sick.
NORMAN
My work is not worthless!!
MIXIE
Your story—all of your stories!—and you. Worthless. Without value. Complete
and utter shit. Without merit. Without hope. I hate you, Norman. I hate every
second I’ve spent in your presence. I hate the very thought of you. I hate what I
let you do to me all these years.
NORMAN
Okay, okay. I get it. After a hard day at the video store shuffling Jerry Springer
videos, you’re afraid of a culture overload. That must be it.
MIXIE
The video store and the diner. Remember Mixie shuffling off at 5:30 am? Diner
till noon, and what I shuffle there are patty melts, cheeseburgers, coffee, chicken
and biscuits, sausage and biscuits, chicken fried steak, more coffee please,
scrambled eggs, hard boiled eggs, eggs over, hey honey can I get another refill
here, order of fries, order of onion rings, wow babe nice skirt. Then the video
store until 6pm and you know what I shuffle there? Fantasies. Debbie Does
Dallas, Little Red Riding Crotch, Twelve Horny Men, Chitty Chitty Gang Bang,
Bob and Rover, Bob and Fluffy, Bob Visits the Farm, the Pony Express Boys, and
my all-time favorite, Bang the Nun Slowly. So fuck off, Norman.
NORMAN
Why don’t you want to read it?
MIXIE
Oh, God, Norman. You just don’t listen.
NORMAN
I hear everything you say, Mixie. Everything. Come on, read it.
MIXIE
Why start something you can’t finish?
NORMAN
Look at us; are we the very same couple that once stood in the middle of
Bohack’s Bridge in the middle of a raging rainstorm and did the hokey-pokey?
MIXIE
Norman, in case you’ve forgotten, you almost hokey-poked me right off the
railing of that bridge. You came and I almost went.
Headstrong—Sapio / 3
NORMAN
Oh come on. We were grinning about that one for months.
MIXIE
Until you took that beautiful memory and used it in one of those worthless stories
of yours. Your whole worthless collection of short stories is composed of what
should have been loving, private remembrances…
NORMAN
Largely sexual...
MIXIE
...that have ended up as cheap…pap…
NORMAN
I will not descend to smear tactics.
MIXIE
Rubbish, histrionic slop. Melodramatic…spilth!
NORMAN
“Spilth.” Wow. Good one, Mix.
MIXIE
Nothing but cheap fodder for those asinine stories you write! And who do you
think you’re kidding with ‘largely sexual’? There was never anything large about
our sex, Norman. When we had sex. When you were still able.
NORMAN
Our sex life didn’t go downhill until you started doubting.
MIXIE
Doubting? Doubting what? Your eventual recognition as a world famous author
of elevated boner tales? It’s been 15 years. Not one sale. Not one.
NORMAN
Hokey-Pokey on Bohack’s Bridge almost sold.
MIXIE
Ferchrissake, Norman, it was turned down by MegaTits Monthly. Nobody wants
to publish your stories because nobody knows what the hell they are. You start off
with really great ideas, nice character development, good, solid plots, and then
you throw in these unbelievably explicit sexual passages. Total turnaround.
People think you’re a serious intellectual until the characters start spoo-ing all
over each other.
NORMAN
Women don’t spoo.
MIXIE
That’s right. Forgive me. They “convulse spastically” while “riding the turgid
jackhammer of ecstasy.”
NORMAN
Wow! Mixie, I’m flattered, That was one of my best metaphors!
Headstrong—Sapio / 4
MIXIE
It’s crap, Norman. A waste of time, imagination, paper and postage stamps. Crap.
That’s the reason for that huge stack of rejections slips in your drawer, in case you
haven’t figured it out. Nobody wants anything to do with your stories--not even
you, Mr. One Asinine Pseudonym After Another. What’s the latest?
NORMAN
Milo Black.
MIXIE
“Milo Black.” Give me a break. What was it last month? Oh yeah: “Jeremy
Quartermain.” And my favorite: “Rex Stilton.” “King Cheese,” Norman? You
want to do something that’s worthwhile? Get a job! You’ve been out of work for
five months and all I hear is “Fear not, my gossamer whippoorwill, Fate will soon
arrive with our golden chariot.” Bullshit! We are hanging by a thread here,
Norman! There’s a huge stack of bills over there that we can’t pay. Now get off
your worthless unemployed ass and get a job!
NORMAN
Faithless trollop.
MIXIE
Oh jesus, Norman. At least call me a fucking bitch like a normal husband.
NORMAN
There was a time when we were actually in love. Not just me. Both of us.
Remember?
MIXIE
Yes, Norman. I do remember. And it was beautiful. But it’s ancient history. It’s
gone. It doesn’t exist anymore.
NORMAN
It still exists, Mixie. Right here in these pages.
MIXIE
It exists only in the reeking, fetid cracks of the rectum you call your creative
mind.
NORMAN
One day you’ll see. You will be the greatest muse of all time.
MIXIE
I used to believe that, Norman. God help me, I really did. But I can’t anymore.
You’re sick, Norman. You need help.
NORMAN
Can’t you just trust me one last time?
MIXIE
No!
NORMAN
Why?
MIXIE
Because you’re insane. Dashing madly down Bats in the Belfry Boulevard and
you’re trying to take me with you.
Headstrong—Sapio / 5
NORMAN
I am making you immortal!
MIXIE
You’ve made me homicidal!
NORMAN
“It is the faithless who know love's tragedies.” Wilde.
MIXIE
Jeezus, give it up. I stopped buying that crap a long time ago.
NORMAN
Wednesday was “a long time ago”? May I remind you that part of your panties
are still wedged in the bread machine?
MIXIE
And what good did it do me? Your dough refused to stay risen.
NORMAN
I know, Mixie. Believe me, I know. But it’s about to change—
MIXIE
Save it, Norman.
NORMAN
“All to no end save beauty, the eternal.” William Carlos—
MIXIE
That’s a repeat. You’re getting stale.
NORMAN
So what? You still love it.
MIXIE
I hate it, Norman. Hate it.
NORMAN
You love it. You used to read it all the time. Now all you do is bury your nose in
trashy novels.
MIXIE
And what should I read, Norman? Shakespeare? Chaucer? Stupid old poems in
dead languages about knights in shining armor and devils who decide to take over
the earth? This is not 15th-century England. This is Harrisville, also known as
Buttfuck-Nowhere, population 2400. You think you’ll be the literary toast of New
York? Cover of the New York Times Sunday Magazine? Norman, listen to me.
You write pornography. You scoff at me for reading trashy novels, but you don’t
even understand why I do!
NORMAN
So why don’t you tell me then?
MIXIE
Because I don’t like that poetic crap you drool over. Everybody’s supposed to
worship that unintelligible shit, right? Well, I may not have a Ph.D. in something
as universally popular and eminently useful as Medieval Poetry, but I’m not
stupid. We don’t need middle fucking English. We need passion!
Headstrong—Sapio / 6
NORMAN
We have passion.
MIXIE
Fine. We have passion. We need sex! Bed-shattering screaming mad monkey sex!
NORMAN
Mixie…
MIXIE
I wanna get fucked, Norman. I want you to prove you can still love me.
NORMAN
You know I do!
MIXIE
No. No I don’t. Not physically. I need you as a physical lover, Norman.
NORMAN
Thy body is all vice, thy mind all untrue—1
MIXIE
You get all wound up and I can see it, Norman. I can see it right through your
pants.
NORMAN
. . . Johnson.
MIXIE
But get close to me and it shrivels up. Why, Norman?
NORMAN
I love you, Mixie.
MIXIE
Do you? Do you really? Then save our marriage. Save our lives. Save my sanity.
And I know how. You wanna know how?
NORMAN
How?
MIXIE
Stop writing.
NORMAN
What?
MIXIE
Stop writing.
NORMAN
Are you out of your mind?
MIXIE
Stop writing. Put it down. Forget about it. Let it go, Norman. Stop wasting your
time.
NORMAN
I’d rather cut my own throat.
1
Samuel Johnson
Headstrong—Sapio / 7
MIXIE
That’s where it’s all goes, doesn’t it? All your energy. All your lust. All your
boners end up on paper and filed into your desk drawers. Every other man in the
world downloads it; you create it. Give up writing, Norman. Forget the
pornography. File your inspiration into my drawers instead.
NORMAN
Stop calling it pornography, you...shrew! That’s you, Mix—a shrew. And I never
got shrew’d until I met you. Now I’m shriven. I’m making you immortal, Mixie.
I’m making you the ultimate literary icon of love and lust and you don’t even
realize it. And just because there’s sex in my work doesn’t mean it’s
pornographic.
MIXIE
Oh, is that what you’re writing, Norman? Fuck books for people who think? Is
that it? “Inquiring minds want to hump.” Listen to me. Things die. People,
dreams. They all die. And when they die, they stay that way. Forever. The person
I was...died. We died. Dammit, Norman, we killed each other years ago. We just
haven’t stopped throwing dirt on the graves.
NORMAN
Some things, Mixie, you can’t kill. They’re just not made to die. Mixie…hang
on…please! I am going to surprise you. Something miraculous.
MIXIE
The only miracle that’s gonna happen around here, Norman, is if your dick
returns from the dead.
NORMAN
“She fair, divinely fair, fit love for Gods.” Milton.
MIXIE
Forget it. It’s not gonna work.
NORMAN
“I wonder by my troth, what thou and I did till we lov’d? Were we not weaned
until then? But suck’d on country pleasures, childishly?” John Donne.
MIXIE
Stop!
NORMAN
I can’t!
MIXIE
Don’t do this to me, Norman!
NORMAN
Usually it’s ‘Do it to me, Norman, talk to me while you do it!’ Now it’s ‘Don’t,
Norman, don’t talk to me.’ Whaddya think? You can just turn me on and off like
some appliance? Maybe that’s what you need, Mix. Maybe you need...an
appliance. We can have my name engraved on it so it’s personalized.
[Mixie picks up magazines and items from the coffee table
and begins to throw them at him.]
Headstrong—Sapio / 8
NORMAN
What happened, Mix? Suddenly decide you don’t like talking dirty?
MIXIE
You know I love it, Norman! Come on, get dirty. Be verbally vile!
NORMAN
You’re a slut!
MIXIE
Yes, yes I am, Norman! Come on!
NORMAN
A whore, a cheap floozy!
MIXIE
Back it up, Norman, follow it through...
NORMAN
You are an emasculating bitch! A testicle-butchering meretrix!
MIXIE
Oh God, yes! More!
NORMAN
I despise you to hell, you vicious tramp!
MIXIE
I hate your fucking guts, you insufferable boor!
They embrace, battle. Norman pushes her back on the top
of the couch. They change from struggling to rough
lovemaking. They fall behind the couch, the roughhouse
continues, bestial sounds emanating. All that is seen are
their legs and feet protruding from behind the couch
[MIXIE straddles him]. Lights fade down; The noises
continue. Technical note: It is important that the first male
moans not occur until full black.
Headstrong—Sapio / 9
ACT I, SCENE II
No break in action. Lights stay black for fifteen seconds
while the couple couples enthusiastically. Then lights fade
up slowly. The sex continues until a cacophonous climax,
the man and woman working it to wake the dead. There is
post-coital heavy breathing from both, then they
disentangle. Mixie is the first to stand up, adjusting her
clothes. Her hair is askew, she breathes deeply, a sweaty
smile of deepest gratification on her face. She turns, looks
down at her partner, then kicks his boots.
MIXIE
Get up.
TED—not NORMAN—gets up, out of breath, adjusting his
trousers. He must be played so as to convey the sense that,
yes, he can and will stomp you quite thoroughly. He is
wearing a leather biker’s jacket.2
TED
Omigod…think I lost a vertebra…
MIXIE
What time is it?
TED
Around five, I think. When’s he coming back?
MIXIE
Who cares? He said he was going out for a beer. That means at least a dozen.
Don’t worry, he won’t be back for a while. He needs to drown the memory of his
dysfunction.
TED
I ain’t worried. I can handle him.
MIXIE
I know you can. I just...
TED
You just what?
MIXIE
Nothing, Ted. Nothing.
TED
I hate it when you do that.
MIXIE
Get me a beer, will you, please?
Ted looks at her, then exits through stage right door into
kitchen. Mixie looks after him, then shakes her head in
2
Or whatever has enough pockets to hide all the crap that comes out later. Biker’s jacket is at least iconically
testosterone-laden.
Headstrong—Sapio / 10
annoyance. Ted re-enters, crosses, hands her a beer and is
about to speak when pulls him close and kisses him. She
moves past him and goes to the couch.
TED
Gee, lemme guess,…umm…don’t talk, right?
He takes a swig of the beer, looks at her, then at the floor,
then at the shelves of books, clearly looking for something
to occupy him. Finally he comes up with an idea.
Think we got time for another?
MIXIE
Jesus, Ted, this is not a job. Don’t worry about putting in overtime.
TED
Yeah, but it would be a great job. Damn, Mixie, I could do you for a living.
MIXIE
‘Good men starve for want of impudence.’
TED
What?
MIXIE
Just something that Norman would say. Well actually, Norman just repeats it.
Dryden.
TED
What?
MIXIE
The guy who said it first. Norman always adds the original guy’s name after the
quote to show how smart he is. Said this guy was named after some small town in
upstate New York or something.
TED
So you must know a lot of quotes, then, right?
MIXIE
Please.
TED
Hey! I got one! “Shaken, not stirred.”3
MIXIE
Oh good Lord. Ted,...[stands, moves in to him]...would you please...[nose to nose,
grabs his balls]...get a grip? [Ted yells, doubles over]
TED
Oww! Jesus, Mixie! That wasn’t fair!
Ted and MIXIE stare at each other angrily, then
simultaneously, they both relent. MIXIE moves away,
facing away from Ted. Two beat pause, then MIXIE turns
to face TED
3
It would be really cool if the actor could do a really good Sean Connery voice. It’s not critical, however.
Headstrong—Sapio / 11
MIXIE & TED
Did you bring the...? I brought the...
MIXIE
Where is it?
TED
In my pocket.
[He pulls out a gun.]
MIXIE
Tell me it isn’t loaded.
TED
Things moved kinda fast when I got here, y’know.
MIXIE takes the gun from him and looks it over
MIXIE
Next time tell me it’s in there, okay? Might spice it up a bit if I knew.
TED
Be careful with that, ok? I also brought a knife, some rope, a bottle of sleeping
pills, a razor, a wrench...4
MIXIE
What were you planning to do? Kill his reincarnation?
TED
Just wanted to be prepared. You never know what might come up in a given
situation! If you want, I’ll do it.
MIXIE
He’s my husband. I’ll kill him.
TED
Okay, okay. When do you wanna do it?
MIXIE
Tonight.
TED
Tonight?! Mixie! No! You gotta plan these things…Y’know ... it might be better
if you just leave. I could take you somewhere...
MIXIE
Where would you take me? Away from all this? Where, Ted? Where could you
take me that I might...forget about Norman? Some tropical paradise? Paris in the
springtime? [Puts down gun on edge of desk] South America, maybe? Do you
have some secret savings account tucked away in the local bank? Some untold
fortune?
TED
Oh yeah, I’m just rolling in cash, Mixie. This mechanic’s uniform is just because
I’m modest.
4
The knife should be Crocodile Dundee size; the wrench should be a large monkey wrench. Think of it as a
Harpo Marx gag.
Headstrong—Sapio / 12
MIXIE
Then stop being stupid.
TED
Look, what the hell is the deal here? I’m helping you commit a murder! I am
putting everything I have—my freedom, my life, even—on the line because I am
helping you kill your husband. I think you owe me some respect for this.
MIXIE
Why are you here, Ted?
TED
You know damn well why I’m here—you called me.
MIXIE
I don’t mean for the free fuck, Ted. That you can get anytime. You know why I
call sometimes and I’m out of breath? It’s because I’ve just read one of Norman’s
stories—that I tell him I would never read because it’s trash—and I get all hot and
bothered. You know—you’ve read them, too, and you know what kind of effect
it’s had on us. He may write pornography, but it’s really, really good. Norman and
I ran for years on his imagination. I’ve lost more panties to Norman’s lust than I
can even count. Screaming sex, someone-call-the-cops-it-sounds-like-a-murder
sex. Bruises, teeth marks,everywhere. Unmitigated, primitive bestial fucking. But
somewhere along the line, Norman began putting more and more into his work
and less and less…into me. That situation deteriorated until Norman reached
complete incapability. He blames me for it. Says it’s because I doubt him. Past
couple of years, he would be right. So, ever since that wonderful afternoon when
you gave me a lift when my car wouldn’t start in front of the Stop ‘n’ Pop—how’s
that for sensitive poetic irony?—I call you to come let the steam out. No, Ted.
The question I can’t believe I haven’t asked before is this: Why are you helping
me murder my husband? This is not an errand you’re running. This is ending a
person’s life. So why, Ted? [Sarcastic] Is it because you’re madly in love with
me?
TED
I ... I ...
MIXIE
I didn’t think so.
TED
Wait a minute! Hold on! Are you saying that I can’t be in love with you?
MIXIE
Are you saying you are?
TED
No. But I’m not saying I’m not. I want to know why all of a sudden you want to
know. Why it’s suddenly an issue. Not to mention a possibility.
MIXIE
Ted?
TED
Answer the question, Mixie.
Headstrong—Sapio / 13
MIXIE
Please say no. Ted?
TED
Answer the fucking question, Mixie
MIXIE
Are you in love with me?
TED
Do you want me to be?
MIXIE
Oh, God. No, Ted, No, I don’t.
TED
Why not?
MIXIE
Do you love me?
TED
Why not, Mixie?
MIXIE
JESUS TED JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION ARE YOU IN
LOVE WITH ME?
TED
Yes.
MIXIE is stunned. She backs off. Ted leaves the knife on the
back of the couch; Mixie puts the gun on Norman’s desk.
MIXIE
Great. Ted?
TED
Yeah?
MIXIE
Just how long have you been, or thought you have been, in love with me? Ted?
TED
Third grade.
MIXIE
Third—? Aaaaaggh! You cannot have been in love with me since the third grade,
you idiot!
TED
I have been in love with you since the third grade. That’s the truth, Mixie.
MIXIE
Oh, Ted, no.
TED
It never occurred to you, did it?
MIXIE
No. It didn’t. I’m sorry.
Headstrong—Sapio / 14
TED
I know it didn’t. Because it never occurred to you to think about loving me, did it?
I’m just here, right? The backup. The working penis. You call, I come. But is it so
unthinkable that I could feel this way?
MIXIE
Ted ...
TED
There’s not a whole lot to me, I know that. I never finished high school. I can’t
recite poetry, I’m not a Ph.D., but I’m not stupid. Ever since that first time I saw
you, way back in Mrs. Duffy’s class, it’s been the same. I can’t help it and I don’t
want to. But that’s my problem, not yours, and I’ll find a way to work it out. I’ll
deal with it. But I’m really worried about you. This marriage you’re in is driving
you crazy. You know it, Mixie. I can see it. You’re about to lose it big time and,
for whatever reason I don’t know, you won’t leave him. And I don’t want to live
without you. Why else would I help you kill your husband? Can you think of a
better reason?
MIXIE
No. No. I guess there isn’t.
TED
All these years that we haven’t seen each other and I never forgot you. Never. I
think about you at least once a day. Every day. Without fail. Without exception.
Where is she now? How is she? What is she doing? And then like magic you walk
back into my life and it’s all as fresh as the first day. You’re the light of my life,
Mixie.
Headstrong—Sapio / 15
MIXIE
Ted…please…let me explain a few things here. I’m not in love with you. I
probably never will love you. I do need you, however, and you’ve been there
when I’ve called. And I am very grateful. But it’s not what you think. I love
Norman. With all my heart. Did you know I wanted to be a doctor? I wanted to be
a pediatrician, but Norman came along. I wasn’t planning to fall in love with him.
He had a sterling 4.0 grade average. He was voted not “Most Likely to Succeed,”
but “Most Likely to Become Legendary.” He was the ultimate object of every
female student’s parents. Handsome, charming, witty, clever; the most brilliant
senior in the entire class. He was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Norman Miller barged into my life without even asking and my life walked away
because I let it. I couldn’t live without him, Ted. He recited hours and hours of
poetry to me—completely from memory, sent me flowers, wrote me letters every
day. Ted, it was a blitzkrieg of romance. I was completely overwhelmed. I started
to let the important things in my life slip away. Including school. I was totally
unhinged. After a year with Norman even the science lab microscopes couldn’t
find my grade point average. And I was at the top of my class, Ted. But Norman
became everything. And he still is. I hate myself for it. Today was his first day at
a new job and I left work early, went shopping for things for his favorite meal
because I wanted to congratulate him…and he came home at lunch to write
another of his lousy goddamn stories and never went back. And he believes he did
the right thing, that his fucking story was worth more than his new job. Ted, we
are broke. I can’t support us…and he doesn’t care. Ted…I have to kill him. I can’t
leave him.
TED
Why not, for God’s sake? Mixie, just walk out!
MIXIE
I can’t Ted!
TED
Yes, you can! Don’t take a damn thing, just walk out! Just go. Go away and forget
about him. You’ll see. It will work. You get away from him and you’ll see how
easy it will be to let him go. You can’t see that now because you’re right in the
middle of it.
MIXIE
I can’t leave because he’ll always be there. I know he’ll always be somewhere,
Ted. He’ll be breathing, cursing, quoting, getting the last word in every single
time, making everyone around hate him, despise his arrogant, superior attitude.
I’ll be ... wherever…and he’ll be here. Right here, in this house and every day I’ll
know exactly what he’s doing. Every second. He’ll either be brushing his teeth or
typing or sitting in his goddamn chair reading who knows what. And I’ll know it,
Ted. Every second of every day. And he’ll be easy to come back to. All I’d have
to do is walk right through the door. He’ll be haunting me by being alive so he has
to be dead. Then he’ll be gone. Then I can’t ever come back and I’ll have to move
on. Then I’ll be alive. I won’t be able to live until he dies, Ted. He has to die. He
must die.
Headstrong—Sapio / 16
TED
God, I love it when your breasts heave!
They grab each other roughly, kissing, rubbing, until they
fall backwards onto the couch. This continues for fifteen
seconds until Norman enters. He is a little drunk. He sees
the legs sticking over the end of the couch. He considers the
thrashing for a second, then tiptoes over and peers over the
top of the couch. The knife is immediately to his right, but
he doesn’t notice it.
NORMAN
Hey, kids!
Both Ted and Mixie yell as they tumble off of the couch on
to the floor. There is scrambling, standing, looking
embarrassed and flushed, etc.
MIXIE
Norman, I ...
NORMAN
Wait a minute. Hold it. I can figure this out. “Norman, I’m fucking a gorilla on
your couch.”
TED
Oh, that’s very clever.
NORMAN
You got a name, Magilla?
MIXIE
Fuck you, chump.
NORMAN
“Fuck you, chump”? Your name is “Fuck you, chump”?
MIXIE
Norman—
NORMAN
Did you think that I didn’t know? Come on, Mixie, how could I not know?
Mixie and Ted glance at each other. Norman turns away
briefly; Mixie quickly hides knife under couch cushion.
During the following, Ted and Mixie exchange worried
glances, each trying to figure out how and what to do about
the gun.
NORMAN
Look, ya gotta figure that a guy can’t...y’know...perform certain husbandly duties-I assume she told you all about that, right, “Fuck you, chump”? By the way, does
that prefrontal ridge really keep the rain out of your eyes? Never mind. So she
told you that was why she was forced to seek ... compensation elsewhere?
TED
I’m gonna hit him, Mixie.
Headstrong—Sapio / 17
NORMAN
Why does she stay with me? I’m glad you asked. She feels guilty, that’s why.
She’s neutered me. Turned me into a fucking eunuch. You wanna hear the whole
story? Might as well—you already know I’m ... sexually challenged. And you’ve
actually been inside of my wife.
MIXIE
Norman, that’s gross.
NORMAN
I never thought so. And “Fuck you Chump” doesn’t either. Fifteen years ago we
met in college. You should have seen us--we were really in love then. See this
picture? That’s Mixie. Smiling! We used to make love all the time. Those days I
dreamt the dreams of an exhausted satyr. By the way, that’s the mythical animal,
not the Jewish ritual. Do you want to hear the story of how I first saw her?
TED
No, I don’t.
NORMAN
Of course you do. Want to know why? Because you want to see how someone
else sees her. Moreover, you want to know how I see her, don’t you?
TED
I couldn’t care less.
NORMAN
I thought so. I saw her first in that small park down at Swift Lake.
MIXIE
He’s lying.
NORMAN
It was a morning, early springtime. There was a thick fog coming off the water. I
always walked there and imagined I was at the rocky coast of some barren
country, great ghostly ships coming out of the distance, laden with men armed for
battle. I was walking Puck, my Yorkshire terrier ...
MIXIE
You loathe small dogs, Norman. He calls them “drop-kick dogs.”
NORMAN
And what better dog for someone given to hyperbole? So there we were: me,
tracing the nonexistent footprints of forgotten men, and my faithful Puck
wheezing for breath, his pitifully short legs scrambling to keep up. He stopped,
sniffed the air, and took off, yipping and yapping for all his microscopic lungs
were worth. I followed him right down to the water’s edge. And do you know
what I found? I found this young, shy, virginal girl dressed in a diaphanous white
toga, staring out over the water, into the fog.
MIXIE
Oh, God, Norman! Please!
TED
Gotta admit, it sounds hot.
Headstrong—Sapio / 18
NORMAN
I approached, stricken by her radiant beauty, unable to do anything except
apologize for my dog’s lack of manners--he was dancing at her feet, drooling—in
a sense, acting as my alter ego. Then I got close—this close—and I saw her eyes.
I saw her eyes and in that second, lost my life. Norman Miller, as he had been,
died on that cruel, gentle shore. And the only thing that was left? Just some man,
some functioning organism, doomed to follow those pale green eyes forever.
TED
Sounds like one of your trashy stories.
NORMAN
You showed him my stories.
MIXIE
Yes.
NORMAN
And what did you think of them?
TED
Boring.
[Mixie casts Ted a look that says ‘Oh, really? That’s news
to me.’]
NORMAN
Really? Too bad. Maybe you don’t realize that this kind of writing appeals not
just to the intellect, but to the inner soul as well. Don’t sweat it. We met in an
elevator. We got stuck for four hours, hanging by a thin cable, never knowing if
we would see the next dawn or plummet thirteen stories to our deaths. We
decided to fall in love right there, because we didn’t want to die alone.
TED
Mixie…?
NORMAN
We met in Rome. No, no no—Paris. I helped her change a flat tire on the Champs
Elysee. We bumped shopping carts at the Piggly Wiggly. We both stared in rapt
wonder at the same Matisse at the Museum of Modern Art.
MIXIE
Stop it, Norman! Stop it!
NORMAN
Let me tell you something, you perambulating effigy of a human soul. Whatever
Mixie may think or feel or tell you, she’s mine. You’ll never take her away from
me. Never. You may fuck her, that’s all well and good, but I…I truly make love
to her.
TED
What a load of shit! Lemme ask you, mister romance, you think you’re so hot?
Which of us gives her what she needs? You or me? Far as I can tell, all you give
her is a mindfuck. I at least give what she needs. There’s a difference between
what she wants and what she needs—
Headstrong—Sapio / 19
NORMAN
Whoa, whoa! Peace, good ticklebrain! I agree there’s a difference. Unfortunately
you miss it completely.
TED
Oh, really? Well then, your pompousness, enlighten me.
NORMAN
Let’s say you see a woman that moves you—you see her suddenly and without
warning. You see her face, her body, her eyes—eyes that make your heart stop
with their electric beauty. You wonder what is behind all that, what is deep inside
of her. Well, maybe you don’t. But—for argument’s sake—let’s say that you do.
You see her and what goes though your mind? Do you admire her form? Of
course you do. But what do you say? This is what I say.
He crosses to Mixie; she stares at him, half in horror, half
in anticipatory lust.
“Have ye beheld, with much delight, a red rose peeping through a white? Or else
a cherry, double graced, within a lily, center-placed? Or ever marked the pretty
beam a strawberry shows, half drowned in cream? Or seen rich rubies blushing
through a pure smooth pearl.” Robert Herrick.
Bends, kisses her hand, lets it go. Mixie is transfixed, her
hand stays in air; the poetry gets her every time. Norman
grins, turns away.
So, ‘Fuck you, chump,’ do you know what I just told her? The equivalent of,
“Great tits, babe.” That is the difference, you simmering, de-evolutional bog-stew.
TED
Oh, I’m so impressed. You’re nothing but a phony. All you do is take other
people’s emotions and words and you use them as your own. You don’t have
anything honest in you at all. Nothing original. You’re just a lousy plagiarizer!
NORMAN
That’s not the point ...
TED
Yes, it is! Nothing is yours!
NORMAN
So what are you telling me? If the words aren’t mine, they don’t count? That I
must be original? That I can’t lean on the time-tested classic declarations of love?
This from a man who thinks with his Jonson. It doesn’t matter if the words are
mine or not! They’re only words, that’s true, but it’s the sentiment behind them,
it’s the emotion, the lifeblood inside the words that moves the soul. It’s when you
look at someone you love, love with all your heart, and you think of the eloquent,
beautiful images that someone else has said—that’s what makes the difference.
It’s verbal grace, sexual respect, and spiritual sensitivity, you blithering dolt.
TED
Go to hell!
Headstrong—Sapio / 20
NORMAN
Without a doubt I shall. But no fire of hell will match Mixie’s lust. The morlocks
may have her parts now, but I have her devotion. I have her soul and her heart.
Only I will ever have it. I know it and, more importantly, she knows it. She didn’t
tell you that, did she? I bet she didn’t. Pork her all you want, you hydrocephalic
stiffy—pork away! —but know that wherever you go, she will take me along—
forever. Every time you touch her, taste her, enter her body, she’ll wish it were
me. Always has, always will. You’re nothing more than a beer-swilling dildo.
NORMAN and TED glare at each other. TED breaks first;
he runs to NORMAN’s desk and picks up the gun.
NORMAN attacks him, grabbing gun hand. They struggle.
MIXIE pauses, then grabs the knife, yells “Ted, no!” then
“Norman, I’m coming!” and runs to save NORMAN.
NORMAN turns at Mixie’s cry: “You are?” TED slugs
Norman. NORMAN spins to his right, runs into knife in
MIXIE’s hand. He wobbles, falls against the couch,
reaches out with one hand to MIXIE. She screams as
NORMAN falls behind the couch. TED pulls knife from
NORMAN’s chest. As TED raises the knife over his head,
MIXIE runs to stop him and--in one smooth action--TED
falls to his knees and drives the knife home. MIXIE
screams. TED, breathing heavily, covered in blood, stands,
still looking at NORMAN, then he reaches down and puts a
foot on NORMAN and yanks the knife out. It is dripping
with blood. MIXIE faints. The lights fade slowly.
It’s Miller Time.
Headstrong—Sapio / 21
ACT II, SCENE I
Lights come up on same scene, fifteen minutes later. Mixie
sits, facing audience, in reading chair, smoking and
shivering. Ted enters from kitchen door, wiping his hands
off on a bloody towel. He sees Norman’s body, steps
around the couch and walks over to Mixie. He puts a hand
on her shoulder; she jumps. Ted looks at her, then wipes
his hands again and throws the paper towels in Norman’s
trash pail.
TED
We did it.
MIXIE
Yeah.
TED
We killed Norman.
MIXIE
We killed him. Ted?
TED
Yeah?
MIXIE
What are we going to do?
TED
I gotta wrap him up. Is there anything like a tarp around here?
MIXIE
Maybe. Basement. I think.
TED exits to basement, returns quickly. He spreads the
tarps out, wraps Norman in them.
TED
I’m going to take him to the lake.
MIXIE
…lake.
TED
I’ll ... weight him down and ...
MIXIE
Weight...
TED
Are you all right?
MIXIE
Peachy. What time is it?
TED
Hmm?
MIXIE
What time is it?
Headstrong—Sapio / 22
TED
I don’t know.
MIXIE
What time is it?
TED
Wait a minute.
MIXIE
How can I wait a minute if I don’t know what time it is? I won’t know when a
minute passes.
TED crosses to Norman’s body, fiddles with the tarps and
raises an arm.
TED
Six forty-three. Takes a lickin,’ keeps on tickin’.
Ted lets go of the arm, but it stays raised.
MIXIE
How long has Norman been dead?
TED
What?
Sees arm still up, pushes it back down.
MIXIE
How long has Norman been dead? What time did he die?
TED
I don’t know.
[The arm pops back up.]
MIXIE
[Ted pushes arm back down, steps on it.] We stabbed him. I stabbed him. I
stabbed him to death and I don’t even know what time I did it.
TED
Mixie, please ...
MIXIE
Norman would have a dozen quotes for a time like this. “Death is like the syntax
of the world sowing pregnant seeds in the crux of your gall bladder.”
TED
Mixie, we have to do something about the body. We have to get rid of it.
MIXIE
Turns her head and looks at Norman’s body. She stands,
then walks tentatively over and looks down on it.
What will we do?
TED
Help me get him to the car. We’ll take him to the lake.
MIXIE
The lake? Okay. That’s good. Norman can’t swim.
Headstrong—Sapio / 23
TED
Damn, I guess we got lucky there.
[He goes behind the couch and bends over.]
TED
Grab his feet.
[Mixie looks down at Norman as Ted bends down to get his
arms under the body. After a second she bends down and
grabs, awkwardly, the feet. They exit through front door.
Four seconds later, they hurry back into the living room,
still carrying Norman.]
TED
Perfect. Just perfect. I don’t believe it. What are they doing having a goddam
barbecue?
MIXIE
What are we going to do, Ted?
TED
I don’t know. I don’t know. Lemme think.
MIXIE
Ted?
TED
Lemme think, Mixie.
MIXIE
Can we put Norman down while you think?
TED
Sure.
[He drops his end with a big clunk.]
MIXIE
Be careful, will you, dammit? [She gently lays her end down.] Ted! Put him in the
back of your pick-up.
TED
I can’t.
MIXIE
Why not?
TED
No cap on it. We can’t put him in the back if there’s no cap on it.
MIXIE
Then how the hell did you expect to get him out of here?
TED
Well, y’know, Mixie, you never said we were gonna do it tonight! I thought we
were gonna ... y’know, talk about it ... plan it ... something like that. I’m really not
a spur-of-the-moment kinda guy.
Headstrong—Sapio / 24
MIXIE
Well, Ted, I’m sorry we didn’t have time to do a run-through. But unless we do
something fast, we’re gonna be on the ten o’clock news.
TED
Look, Mixie. The only car we have is yours, so that’s where we have to put him.
He’s gonna start stinking up the place real soon, too.
MIXIE
Oh, God. All right, all right. How are we going to get him in there? The car’s in
the street. There’s a thirty-foot walkway between us and it. Remember the
barbecue next door?
TED
Shit. How come you didn’t know about this? They’re your neighbors, don’t they
invite you?
MIXIE
They did once. Norman got a little drunk and started berating them for not having
any meat.
TED
No meat?
MIXIE
They’re all vegetarians. They barbecue vegetables. Norman started quoting and
pissed them all off. He said something snotty like, “Some have meat and cannot
eat, some cannot eat that want it, but we can eat and do not want it, so let the Lord
be thanked.”
TED
Bet they liked that.
MIXIE
Yes, indeedy. And ever since then, they ignore us like we had burns.
TED
Ducky. Did Mr. Encyclopedia have a quote for how get rid of a dead body?
MIXIE
We have to do something. We have to get him into the trunk.
They think. TED gets an idea, but clearly has reservations
about telling MIXIE. Finally he clears his throat. MIXIE
doesn’t notice, so he clears his throat again, very loudly.
MIXIE turns to him.
TED
I, umm, ... I have an ... have an idea.
MIXIE
Well, what is it?
TED
Well, it’s kinda ...
MIXIE
Kinda what? What is it?
Headstrong—Sapio / 25
TED
Well, ... since he’s, umm, he’s kind of a ... big package ... ?
MIXIE
Big package?
TED
Well, yeah. I mean we can’t drag a package this big outside. Like you said,
everyone would notice. But if the package weren’t so big ... ? Then we could just,
you know, periodically—like every fifteen minutes, walk out with, oh, uhh, ...
umm ... parts of it ...
MIXIE
Oh, my God!
TED
Well, it’s all I can think of. We can’t just leave him here until everyone decides to
go to bed.
MIXIE
You want to ... Norman?
TED
You got a better idea? I can’t go to the lake when it gets dark, either. Kids hang
out there all night long. We gotta do something right now.
[TED crosses to NORMAN’s body and starts to drag it
across the floor]
TED
Are you going to help me?
MIXIE
What? Cut up my husband?
TED
He’s not your husband anymore, Mixie. He’s dead. Remember? “Till death do us
part”? Well, death is here. You’re parted. Look, just help me down to the
basement with him, okay? I’ll do it.
MIXIE
Oh, Norman ...
She decides, then bends down and picks up the feet. They
carry the body and exit through the stage left door. The
sound of steps going downstairs. They stop, then, steps
running upstairs. Mixie comes through the door, then
closes it roughly, putting her back against it. She closes her
eyes, takes deep breaths. Finally, she walks over to the
stage right cabinet, takes out a bottle of vodka. and gulps
down a very large drink. She leans on Norman’s desk, head
down. There is a knock at the door. Mixie raises her head,
eyes wide. The knock comes again. Mixie thinks, hesitates,
runs halfway to the basement door, then stops when a third
insistent knock is heard. A woman’s voice is heard calling
“Norman! Norman!” Mixie pulls herself up, walks to the
Headstrong—Sapio / 26
door and opens it. Before she can say anything, LISA
bustles past her, carrying a heavy cardboard box. LISA
looks around, then dumps the box on coffee table.
LISA
Goodness me, that’s heavy!
MIXIE
Who the hell are you?
LISA
Are you Mrs. Miller?
MIXIE
Yes I am. And who the hell are you?
LISA
It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Lisa Connoway.
MIXIE
Who?
LISA
Norman’s agent.
MIXIE
Norman’s what?
LISA
Agent.
MIXIE
Norman doesn’t have an agent.
LISA
Umm, well, yes he does. Me. I’ve been servicing Norman for just over six
months.
MIXIE
I don’t believe this.
LISA
He hasn’t told you?
MIXIE
No. He hasn’t.
LISA
Well, then this is going to be more of a surprise than I thought. I can assure you, I
am perfectly legitimate.
MIXIE
Oh, believe me, you’re enough of a surprise.
LISA
Beg pardon?
MIXIE
Nothing, nothing.
Headstrong—Sapio / 27
LISA
I’m very sorry to just barge in like this, but I haven’t been this excited in years. Is
your husband around?
[A loud banging comes from the basement]
LISA
Goodness!
MIXIE
Miss Connoway, my husband isn’t home right now.
LISA
Is that noise coming from your basement?
[Another loud pounding emanates from the basement,
followed by Ted’s disgusted voice: “Shit!”5]
MIXIE
That’s ... that’s ... a man who’s helping us clean out our basement. He comes by
after work every once in a while and takes things.
LISA
Oh, ... I see.
MIXIE
Yes, ... his name is ... Wilbur. Wilbur, you see, is, like I said, a homeless man that
we, uhh, let come in to do odd jobs around the place. Neither Norman nor I is
very handy. [Loud offstage smash] Yes, Wilbur is very handy. He used to be a
college professor, but the drinking got to him. A very sad story, you know. High
alcoholism rate for teachers, especially English. I understand it’s grueling. He
began to teach his classes solely in Middle English. They had to disbar him.
LISA
Disbar him?
MIXIE
Defrock him? Whatever they do to teachers who drink.
LISA
So now you help him out? That’s very good of you.
MIXIE
So now he’s down in the basement, cleaning up for us.
[From the basement comes the sound of a chainsaw
revving.]
LISA
[Shouting over the noise] With a chain saw?
MIXIE
Would you excuse me, please? I’ll be just a minute.
[She walks over to the door, opens it and whistles sharply.
The saw slows down. Mixie makes a cutting motion across
5
Director: this is supposed to be very funny and very gross, so play up the unseen action as best you can.
Headstrong—Sapio / 28
her throat several times, turning briefly to smile at Lisa,
who returns the faux glance.]
TED
I know, I know, I’m getting to it!
[The saw starts up again. Mixie looks aghast for a second.
The saw slows down a bit, then the sound of something
falling to the floor and rolling.]
TED
Whoops! Come back here, you!
[Mixie slams the door, tries to look normal, fails
miserably.]
MIXIE
He’s cutting wood for us. We feel he should be kept busy, you know. He likes to
earn his money.
LISA
I ... see ... oh. Well, if I may ask again, where is your husband? I have an amazing
surprise for him.
MIXIE
Well, today’s the day for those. He’s ... Norman’s ... away on a trip.
LISA
He’s away?
MIXIE
Yes, he left unexpectedly. It was very sudden.
LISA
Oh, I’m very sorry. Was there an emergency?
MIXIE
No. Yes! Well, kind of ...
LISA
Kind of?
MIXIE
A family matter. His sister.
LISA
I’m sorry. I thought he didn’t have a family.
MIXIE
Oh, yes, well, he tells everyone that. You see, all he has is his sister, and well, see
she’s…umm…she’s…she lives out west, you see, and she, well, is kind of, well,
umm, ...
LISA
Yes?
MIXIE
She’s a man now.
LISA
A man?
Headstrong—Sapio / 29
MIXIE
Yes. A man. The process was completed two weeks ago. Norman just found out.
So he flew out there to see her.
LISA
Him, don’t you mean?
MIXIE
Norman?
LISA
Excuse me?
MIXIE
You just asked ...?
LISA
No, I meant ...
MIXIE
Well, he went out there to see her and he really doesn’t want her—
LISA
Him, you mean.
MIXIE
Norman? Well, he doesn’t want any publicity in that direction in order to protect
her—.
LISA
His, I think.
MIXIE
—privacy. So don’t breathe a word of it, okay?
LISA
No, I ... Well, don’t worry, Mrs Miller. These days the surgery is so advanced that
those doctors can just take parts off here, stick them there ... It’s almost as if every
human is a potential jigsaw puzzle.
MIXIE
Can I get you a drink? I must appear to be a terrible hostess.
LISA
Well, yes. Do you have any vodka?
MIXIE
Why, yes, ha, ha, I think I do. Let me see. Here we go. Let me just get you a glass.
She ducks out the stage right door. Three seconds pass;
Lisa looks around the place curiously.
TED
[Offstage] I’m telling you, Mixie. This is really messy.
[Ted enters, backing through the door, clad in a
weedwhacking visor and a black garbage bag which he
wears like a poncho. He is carrying a basketball-sized
bundle wrapped in a cloth.]
Headstrong—Sapio / 30
TED
[As he turns toward couch.] Ya got any tape?
LISA
Hello, Wilbur.
[TED trips over couch, dropping package on couch.
Package falls just out of his reach. He glares goggle-eyed
at LISA.]
TED
Who the hell are you?
LISA
I’m Lisa. How are you today?
TED
Oh.
Very confused, somewhat alarmed. TED looks around
quickly for MIXIE, but doesn’t see her.
Excuse me.
He quickly retreats back through the door without giving
her an answer. MIXIE returns with two tumblers and pours
drinks for both.
MIXIE
Here we go. Please, have a seat.
LISA
I just met Wilbur. [Mixie spits up] Are you okay?
MIXIE
You did?
LISA
Yes. He came through that door dressed in a garbage bag and a football helmet
and said something about it being messy...
MIXIE
Oh. Yes, that must have been Wilbur.
LISA
He gave me quite a turn, I can tell you.
MIXIE
He’s been doing that lately. So, what brings you here tonight ... of all nights?
LISA
Well. I suppose that since Norman hasn’t told you about me, then I guess he
didn’t tell you about his book, either.
MIXIE
His what?
LISA
His book, “Tales of a Dubious Nature.”
MIXIE
His what?
Headstrong—Sapio / 31
LISA
It’s ready. It’ll be in the stores in a month.
MIXIE
His what?
LISA
His new book, “Tales of a Dubious Nature.”
MIXIE
Norman got a book contract? My Norman? Norman Miller?
LISA
Well, actually, no, not Norman Miller.
MIXIE
I’m a little lost.
LISA
Milo Black got the contract. Norman insisted on a pseudonym. And Mrs. Miller,
this is not just any book contract. Norman, or Milo if you prefer, has gotten one of
the highest advances ever from a major publisher. It’s going to be quite a success
story, Mrs. Miller. Your husband’s book is going to be the first in an entirely new
line of literature.
MIXIE
Norman’s getting published?
LISA
Mrs. Miller, “Tales of a Dubious Nature” has a lot of people very excited, and I
don’t mean in the usual sense, either. My editors are ready to push Norman’s
book to the front of the stacks. You see, before this, many publishers wouldn’t
even look at something of this..umm, sexual nature. Much too frank, much too ...
explicit, you see? With everything that’s has been going on since that pesky old
AIDS came along and screwed everything up, well, many publishers would have
felt that the material was just not politically correct for the times. But Norman’s
book caught several eyes, and—just for an experiment, you understand—some
tests were distributed. Samples of Norman’s work, you see? Well, let me tell you,
the responses were absolutely astonishing! We couldn’t believe what people were
saying! We did some more surveys and—no one could have predicted this—
people were eating it up like wildfire! So then we did some psychological
surveys—the first two were just initial response tests, feelers, you may say—and
it turns out that people are yearning for the quote-unquote “good old days.” When
sex was not lethal, only ... err ... mildly painful in certain cases. People are so
careful today where they, well, you know, ha ha, that reading a book like
Norman’s brings them back to happier times. Norman puts the romance back into
sex, Mrs. Miller.
MIXIE
Too bad he couldn’t have put the sex back into romance.
LISA
Excuse me?
Headstrong—Sapio / 32
MIXIE
Nothing. Go on.
LISA
Well, anyway. And it’s not as if Norman writes trash, either. I mean his sexual
passages are, well, fairly explicit, but the rest of the prose, well it’s worth the
price of the book by itself. Norman is an incredible visionary of the human
condition, and—you may think this is hyperbole, but I assure you, there are many
experienced book publishers who feel the same way I do—Milo Black may
become one of this century’s most popular writers. Would you like to see the
book itself? I’m sure Norman wouldn’t mind if I showed you.
[She crosses to the coffee table, opens the box, extracts one
of the books and hands it to Mixie, who just stares at it.]
LISA
As I’m sure you can see, the quality of the book is first-class. And if you
recognize the name of the publisher, well then, you should have no doubt as to
what I’ve told you.
MIXIE
This is ... I don’t know what to say ...
LISA
Oh, this is so disappointing.
MIXIE
Disappointing? I ... don’t understand.
LISA
Oh, well, you see, I was so excited about meeting your husband at last.
MIXIE
Meeting him?
LISA
Well, you see, we’ve exchanged letters—the usual “Here, buy my book” and “Of
course we will” letters— and we’ve spoken on the phone twice when things really
began to get going, but Norman has never come down to Atlanta, where the office
is, and since I was going to visit my mother—who only lives about thirty miles
from here—I thought I’d stop by. It seems a shame that we have never had a
chance to meet. We sent him a contract and galleys and jacket proofs, which he
okayed, but everything’s been by either phone or email. I don’t even know what
he looks like. Can you believe he didn’t want his picture on the dust jacket? He
wants the authorship to be a mystery. Said it would add to the allure. I was really
hoping to meet him at last. I’m so sorry that I missed him.
MIXIE
That is a shame.
LISA
Oh, well. No matter. But the best part of all is that you and Norman are going to
make lots of money.
MIXIE
Money? What money?
Headstrong—Sapio / 33
LISA
Well, the money for the book, silly. “Dubious Nature,’ if all of our surveys, testmarket exercises and computer-generated demographics are right, is going to be
bigger than ...
MIXIE
How much money?
LISA
Well. Now that’s something I have to discuss with Norman. Don’t misunderstand
me—it’s not that you aren’t his wife or anything like that, but it’s one of those
annoying little legal thingys. I can only discuss it with him. But believe me, Mrs.
Miller, you won’t have to worry about money for a very, very long time to come.
MIXIE
This is too much.
LISA
That is, of course, depending upon when Norman delivers the second book.
MIXIE
Second book? What second book?
LISA
Well, Norman negotiated that the royalties received would be at a higher rate if
“Tales of a Dubious Nature” sold well. If it did, then in addition to the higher rate
of royalty, we would be under obligation to produce and market a second book. It
works for both us and Norman. If Dubious doesn’t go well, the deal is over.
Norman gets the primary royalty rate and we go our separate ways. But if
“Dubious” does sell, and from all indicators it’s going to be a runaway bestseller,
then Norman gets the higher royalty rate—as soon as we get our hands on the
second book.
MIXIE
Oh, shit.
LISA
Well, the last two stories of it anyway. He’s been sending us each story as he’s
been going along, and let me tell you, they are all just incredible, as I’m sure you
well know.
MIXIE
Actually, no. But that’s not unusual. Norman’s work is not one of the things we
toss back and forth. It should be.
LISA
Oh, well. I guess we’ll just have to wait, then. Well, Mrs. Miller, I really hate to
just run in and out like this, but I do have to go. I’m sorry for barging in on you.
MIXIE
Oh, no, please, it was ...
LISA
But you see I was just so excited that I thought I would surprise Norman by
dropping by with the book instead of shipping it to him and all that. The usual
way is so impersonal. I hope I didn’t disturb you?
Headstrong—Sapio / 34
MIXIE
Shocked the shit out of is more like it, but I’m glad you did. Thank you very
much. Will you be alright?
LISA
Oh, yes, I’m sure.
MIXIE
Well, then. Good night.
LISA
Good night. Tell Norman I said “Good luck” and to call me?
MIXIE
Next time I speak to him I’ll be sure to do that. Thank you.
[Mixie crosses to the table, staring at the book. She
examines the cover, then opens it and reads the dedication.
MIXIE
“To my wife, Mixie…who is the inspiration for every word in this book. All my
love, Milo.” You lousy, rotten sonofabitch!
Mixie throws the book across the room. She puts her head
back and howls, a shriek that could wake the dead. She
goes to the box, rips out books and throws them
everywhere. The sound of Ted rapidly climbing the stairs is
heard. He bursts through the door as a book flies by him.
TED
What the hell is going on?
Mixie ignores him and continues to throw things
everywhere; anything she can pick up becomes airborne.
Ted runs across the room, dodging missiles, and grabs her
from behind in a bear hug.
Mixie! Stop!
She kicks him in the shin; he drops her. She takes two steps
DC and howls.
MIXIE
Norman, you lousy, stinking shit! Come back here!
TED
What the hell is wrong with you?
MIXIE
You wanna know what’s wrong with me? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me.
Norman—that’s what wrong with me.
TED
Where’d that lady go?
MIXIE
[Walks to Norman’s desk, grabs a book and waves it at Ted] The lady left. But
she left this. [Throws the book at Ted.]
Headstrong—Sapio / 35
TED
“Tales of a Dubious Nature.” By ... Milo Black? Who the hell is Milo Black?
MIXIE
Milo Black is Norman’s pen name, Ted. The sonofabitch is going to be famous.
TED
Famous? [He turns the book over, unbelieving. Then it hits him.] Norman!?
MIXIE
As in talk shows, guest appearances on The Tonight Show, spots on Live at Five.
Book signings. Shopping mall dedications. That famous.
TED
Well, he can’t ... Ohh, shit. What are we gonna do?
MIXIE
Well, we can’t change our plans now, Ted. I even told her that Norman had a
sister. Brother.
TED
That’s just great, Mixie. Real great.
MIXIE
Norman’s got no family, Ted. If they check on that, we’re done for. [A thought
comes to her.]
TED
Well, that’s just great, isn’t it?
Mixie turns and looks at him with eyes afire. Ted looks
back, not liking that look one little bit.
What?
MIXIE
Norman has no family.
TED
You just said that.
MIXIE
No one knows that Norman is Milo Black. Not even his fucking editor. Well, she
knows that, but, Ted ...
TED
I don’t think I’m gonna like this.
MIXIE
She never met him, Ted. Not face to face. She’s just exchanged letters from him
and spoken on the phone twice. Twice! —that’s it.
TED
No! Absolutely not! No way, Mixie!
MIXIE
It can work, Ted! It can work!
TED
No, it can’t! You want me to—
Headstrong—Sapio / 36
MIXIE AND TED
—pretend (I’m/you’re) Norman Miller.
TED
You’re crazy!
MIXIE
We can do it, Ted. I know we can. It’ll be easy.
TED
Oh, God. I’m outta here. You’ve lost it, Mixie. Totally fallen out of the tree.
MIXIE
No, I haven’t, Ted. Listen, no one knows Norman is Milo Black, right?
TED
Oh, God.
MIXIE
Listen to me, dammit! No one knows who the hell Milo Black is from anyone.
TED
Oh shit.
MIXIE
The second book is almost done! And if it’s short, then so what? It’s only a bunch
of short stories.
TED
Oh fuck.
MIXIE
I can dig up a couple of Norman’s old pieces of junk; we’ll fix them up so they
look like his finished stuff, and that’s it! You just pretend you’re Milo Black—I’ll
tell you just what to say, Ted.
TED
Forget it, Mixie. You’re hysterical.
MIXIE
Ted. Ted!
TED
What?
MIXIE
Do you want to be rich, Ted?
TED
What do you mean, “rich”?
MIXIE
I want my life back, Ted. I’ve spent years being Norman’s inspiration, Norman’s
icon. Whatever possibilities there were for me I let slip away because Norman
made me a poetic vision, a chanteuse, a virgin, a muse. I believed that being
Norman’s whore was greater than being a pediatrician. And it didn’t happen. It all
went to shit, Ted. I want a new life, a new start. I want a future.
TED
What do you mean, “rich”?
Headstrong—Sapio / 37
MIXIE
I mean rich as in lots of money. As in maybe a boat or a house by the sea or a trip
to Paris. [She grabs him, pulls him close so they touch, body to body. She looks up
into his eyes and says huskily] I mean rich.
TED
[Clears his throat] As you can see, this kind of writing appeals not only to the
intellect, but to the inner soul as well...
MIXIE
And then we’ll disappear. There will be no more books from Milo Black
anymore. With luck, he’ll fade from memory. Milo Black will have shot his load
and he will never write again. If anyone asks, he’ll have run out of ideas. His
mind…will not be able to do it…ever…again. It’ll be a shame, a pity, but what
can you do? Milo Black will be ... oh, God, Norman!
[She falls to her knees and cries, huge wracking sobs. Ted
only watches until she catches herself suddenly.]
TED
It’s time we moved him out, Mixie. We’ll have to chance being seen.
MIXIE
I’ll unlock the trunk.
[She goes to her purse, finds her keys and walks out. Ted
moves out the stage door right. Five seconds elapse. Ted
comes back in, holding long, cloth-wrapped ... objects in
his arms. A hand can be seen jutting from one of the
bundles. Mixie runs back in, sees the bundles and jumps
away, frightened. Ted runs out the door, then back in,
empty-handed. He moves again downstairs. Mixie is
leaning over the reading chair, facing away, eyes closed,
trying not to heave. She mouths “Norman, Norman,
Norman” like an automaton. Ted re-enters with more
wrapped body parts, then moves out the front door. He
comes back in three seconds later.]
TED
I think that’s everything. Gimme the keys.
MIXIE
They’re in the car!
TED
All right. I’m going. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
[He starts to leave, then remembers the ‘poncho.’ He rips it
off, balls it up.]
This reminds me of something.
[TED goes over to couch, grabs the bundle and starts
toward the front door.]
MIXIE
Ted, what is that? Is that... Norman’s head?
Headstrong—Sapio / 38
TED
That’s the word I was looking for.
MIXIE
Let me see it.
TED
What?
MIXIE
I said unwrap it, please. I want to see it. I want to see Norman one last time.
[Ted hesitates, then goes to desk and unwraps bundle. He
moves away. Ted and Mixie stare at the head. Suddenly
Norman’s head comes to life: it rights itself and says ... ]
NORMAN
Hey, kids!
Ted stares for one second, then slumps to the floor. Mixie
and Norman stare at each other until:
Heading out somewhere?
Mixie faints.
Headstrong—Sapio / 39
ACT II, SCENE II
NORMAN
Hey, kids! Helloooo. Yo! Mixie! Wake up!
[Norman— head only—looks around. He inches his way
forward so he can see the figures on the floor.]
Mix! Mii-xeee...WAKE UP! About time. You okay down there?
MIXIE
Norman? Oh God, Norman, I just had the worst dream-[She sees Norman’s head on the desk, stops. Norman
makes a gruesome face. Mixie begins to slump again.]
NORMAN
No! No! Don’t faint again! Mixie! That’s it, baby. Easy now. Just get to a chair.
Relax. Take a deep breath. You’re okay.
MIXIE
Norman?
NORMAN
Who else?
MIXIE
Oh, Gooodd. .... Norman, I swear it was an accident. It was...
NORMAN
My head on a desk is an accident? Go ahead, Mix, write that down on the
insurance form.
MIXIE
Oh, shit. How can you...?
NORMAN
Be alive? Good question. How the hell should I know? Didn’t you call me back? I
distinctly heard you yell at me to come back. “Norman, come back!” Sounds like
a bad Fifties movie.
MIXIE
That’s impossible. That can’t be. Norman ...
NORMAN
Dismembering me emotionally wasn’t enough?
[Ted moans again, begins to stir.]
MIXIE
Oh, God. Norman, what is he going to say when he wakes up?
NORMAN
Probably “Yaaagghh!” Lemme tell you, I’m not too far from that myself. You
can’t imagine what it’s like having no body. I can feel the bottom of my neck, all
squishy and yucchy. Bleah.
Ted awakens groggily. He sits up, shakes his head, sees
Norman, focuses, then yells and slumps again.
Headstrong—Sapio / 40
NORMAN
See? What’d I tell you? Didn’t I call it? What a specimen of a man. Oh, well. As
long as his dick works, eh? By the way, how big is it?
MIXIE
What?
NORMAN
His dick. How big is it? Is it bigger than the one I USED TO HAVE?
MIXIE
Jesus, Norman! Is that all you can think about? Get a grip on yourself!
NORMAN
With what?!
MIXIE
I can’t believe this. I just can’t.
[She goes to the desk and pours herself a drink. Norman’s
head shuffles on the plate, moving itself to follow her as she
moves around the room. Mixie pours a second drink. Ted
begins to stir.]
NORMAN
Hey, wanna bet on how many times he faints? I can go “Booga booga!”
MIXIE
Stop that. Let him wake up.
[She moves in between Ted and Norman.]
TED
What happened?
MIXIE
Now Ted, try and keep-NORMAN
Hey, Ted! Teddy boy!
MIXIE
Norman, shut up!
TED
Jesus Christ!
NORMAN
What? What is it? I got something on my chin? What?
TED
What the hell is going on?
NORMAN
Mixie, my love, amend my will. Ted can have all my neckties.
TED
He’s ... he’s alive! Mixie! He’s alive!
Ted tries to run for the door, but Norman’s voice stops him.
Headstrong—Sapio / 41
NORMAN
Hold it right there, Ted! Now come back here. Come on. Thaaat’s it. Nice and
easy. Mix, get him a drink. There, now that’s better. I wish you guys would stop
looking at me like that. It’s not polite. You’re really making me feel conspicuous.
MIXIE
I can’t believe this. Ted totally dismembers you and your head comes back to life.
Your head! It figures, though; it’s the only thing about you that’s worked properly
in the last three years!
NORMAN
Well, gee, Mixie, maybe we should have Ted do a hatchet job on you and see
what part reanimates.
MIXIE
Oooh! That’s low, Norman.
NORMAN
Nothing’s changed. I’ve been dismembered and we’re still bickering.
TED
Is he gonna stay like this forever?
NORMAN
Good question, chucklehead. According to basic body physiology, since there are
no connecting cables between my head and the rest of me—–which contains all of
the organs necessary to maintain of what’s left of me— That reminds me. Where
exactly is the rest of me?
MIXIE
In the trunk of our car.
NORMAN
Oh, that’s nice. How ignominious. And, uh, just what was supposed to happen
next? Don’t mind me, I’m just curious. A trip to the city dump? Or perhaps a
quick burial in Farmer Bob’s cornfield? Where I can fertilize next year’s seed
corn and eventually be destined for the multi-stomached journey through the
center of Betty the Bovine?
TED
We were gonna throw you in the lake.
NORMAN
Where the little fishies can nibble, nibble, nibble away on old Norman’s bite-size
corpse.
MIXIE
Norman, please ...
NORMAN
No, no, no., it’s okay. At least you’re recycling. And I never could swim, anyway,
so it makes perfect sense.
[Tentatively, Mixie kneels in front of Norman. She reaches
out, hesitantly strokes the side of his face.]
MIXIE
Oh, Norman. Norman, ... Norman! Your book is here.
Headstrong—Sapio / 42
NORMAN
My book?
MIXIE
“Tales of a Dubious Nature.” It’s here. Your editor came by and dropped it off
while you were ...
NORMAN
Oh, you mean while Ted was ripping me apart with a chain saw? Really? Wow!
Where is it? Can I see it?
MIXIE
It’s right here. It’s right here. Let me show it to you.
She grabs a copy from the box and brings it to him.
NORMAN
Think you could hold it up, Mix? I’m a little indisposed. Open it up, open it up! I
wanna see it. Wow. I can’t believe it. It looks so good!
MIXIE
It does, Norman. It looks beautiful.
NORMAN
Hey, can we go page by page? I wanna check for typos. Just kidding, Mix. At last.
I can’t believe it.
MIXIE
You did it, Norman.
NORMAN
Yep. I did. Despite. So, uh, what else did my editor say? Did she tell you about
the contract?
MIXIE
Some of it. She said she couldn’t discuss details.
NORMAN
Details like money, right?
MIXIE
Right.
NORMAN
So what did she tell you?
MIXIE
She told me that you had a second book.
NORMAN
I was going to build us a whole new life with it, Mix. The one we always wanted.
MIXIE
Norman, I ...
NORMAN
You couldn’t hold on. Could you?
MIXIE
Norman, it was fifteen fucking years! And all that time you kept ... dreaming and
... nothing was happening. Nothing but rejections!
Headstrong—Sapio / 43
NORMAN
But it all worked out, didn’t it?
MIXIE
It did. It all worked out. Except ...
NORMAN
I want to finish the book, Mixie.
TED
Hey, there’s a good idea!
NORMAN
Sit, Lassie.
MIXIE
Norman, ...
NORMAN
I want to finish the book, Mixie. I need to do it. I don’t want the second book to
just ... die. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last here. I’m starting to
feel creaky already. Mix, if that book doesn’t come out, there’s no moolah.
TED
How come you’re so generous? How come you don’t—
NORMAN
Tell you to go jump in the lake? Sorry, was that a poor choice of words? I’ll tell
you why, Sherlock. Because despite that she murdered me, I want her to get on
with her life.
TED
Oh, for God’s sake.
NORMAN
You’ve never been killed, have you? Well, have you?
TED
No. I’ve never been killed.
NORMAN
Well, then, from my point of view you should shut up. I’ve been killed.
Murdered. Done in. The bell hath tolled for me. Okay, okay—I didn’t quite die,
but I think the situation warrants me at least a closer viewpoint than you. Look,
you dismal excuse for a hominid, I’m looking at life from a really weird point of
view here, and lots of things take on a whole new meaning. It’s not about guilt
here, it’s about more important things. Once I’m dead, I’m dead. You two can go
humping off into the distance and live sweatily ever after. I’m a worm buffet.
There’s not a whole hell of a lot of time to do things and I’m thinking that maybe
it’s better to put a few things right than just sit here complaining about what’s left
of me sitting in a puddle of pus. Capeesh? So if I say I want to finish this stupid
book, then we’re going to finish it, come what may. Right now I am the head of
this household and what I say goes. So, Ted, have a seat at the old typewriter.
TED
Me? Why me?
Headstrong—Sapio / 44
NORMAN
Why not? I think it’s an easy penance for making me go my separate ways. Now,
come over here and sit down. Good. Load a fresh sheet into the typewriter. That’s
good. Mixie, why don’t you put that bottle over here by him? We’re gonna be
here a while.
TED
Okay. I guess I’m ready.
NORMAN
First thing we’re gonna do is change the title of this book. It used to be called “An
Extended Madness,” but I’m changing it.
TED
To what?
NORMAN
“Headstrong.”
TED
That’s disgusting.
NORMAN
But fitting, don’t you think? Good. Start typing. There’s only one story to finish
this book and it’s called “Give Me Head.” I’m kidding, I’m kidding. It’s called “I
Saw a Stranger.”
TED
Oh, God.
[Ted takes a drink and begins typing. We hear the ticking of
a clock. Mixie gets a drink, yawns, lies on the couch and
falls asleep. Lights dim, then rise; it is several hours later.]
TED
You have a sick mind. But it’s beautiful. Almost like poetry. Jesus, I wonder what
time it is. I’m exhausted.
NORMAN
We’re not done yet, Boswell. Just a few more paragraphs and we’re all done.
Keep typing.
TED
Slave driver.
NORMAN
This is weird. I’m hungry.
TED
Me, too. Hey! How about some head cheese?
NORMAN
Ha ha. Very clever, now—
TED
I know. Back to work. We’ve gotta make some headway here.
NORMAN
Enough! Christ, I wish I had arms so I could choke you.
Headstrong—Sapio / 45
TED
I got it! If you keep living? We could get you a job as a school headmaster!
NORMAN
I’m in hell. The tenth circle and I’m to be punned for eternity.
TED
This is not your life, is it? First you can’t get it up, then you can’t even die.
You’re a mess. And when you finally do get published, you can’t even enjoy it
because you’re just a head of your time!
NORMAN
CAN WE GET ON WITH IT, PLEASE?
[MIXIE stirs. She listens for a while.]
TED
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Now what?
NORMAN
I’ve lost track. Read me the last sentences.
TED
“They looked at each other across the table with thinly veiled interest. Beneath
the—
NORMAN
“Beneath the short summer dress, she was without panties or stockings. With the
back of one finger, he gently traced the inner contour of the curved table leg, up,
down. His eyes moved downward to her crossed legs. She was mesmerized by the
slow movement of his finger and could imagine that she felt it now as it traced
softly up her calf, inside her knee, and up the creamy whiteness of the back of her
thigh where it disappeared beneath the cotton dress...”
TED
Oh, man. I think I need to go jerk off.
NORMAN
Relax. Every three seconds is valuable here. Okay, here we go. “I need you to
give me what my husband can’t,” she said.
[Ted snickers. ]
TED
Sorry, dude.
Headstrong—Sapio / 46
NORMAN
‘Have you never been impotent?’ she asked. He shook his head. She went on,
sadly, wistfully, staring at him. ‘He was always so much in love. Never wanted
anything but me. Then…one night…it happened. I told him not to worry. He said
he wasn’t and we laughed about it. But it happened again. And then again. He
began to worry. His worry made it worse. It was as if the finger of God had come
down, silently, and taken something from him. One day, he was all there and the
next, he was just gone. I suppose it could happen to anyone, even you. He said it
was a feeling of desertion inside him. Something, some integral part of him whose
fragility he’d never realized, had slipped away. I think the fact that he loved me so
much is what did it. He said he’d loved me since grade school. I know it
happens...’
TED
This guy’s in deep shit.
[MIXIE leaps from the couch.]
MIXIE
Stop it! Norman, stop it!
TED
What?
MIXIE
Damn you, Norman! You can’t do this!
NORMAN
It’s already done, Mixie. Think about it, Teddy boy. One day you’re fully
workable and the next—poof! It happens to everyone, doesn’t it?
MIXIE
Shut up, Norman!
NORMAN
You think I didn’t hear your little plans? I heard the whole damn scheme! You
love her enough to try to take my place? You got it. Maybe she’ll do to you what
she did to me. All it takes is once. And once can last a long time, especially if you
think about it.
MIXIE
Ted, don’t listen to him! Don’t let him do this!
TED
You son of a bitch!
NORMAN
[Singing] Now I can’t give you anything but head, babeee...I’m sorry that your
dick is dead, babeee ... We had a really nice thing ... But now your thing has no
spriiiinnngg...!
TED
Head or no head, that’s it. You’re history, you loud-mouthed bastard!
[Ted grabs Norman’s head, which continues to sing, exits
into the kitchen]
Headstrong—Sapio / 47
TED.
How’d you like a ride in the trash compactor, bigmouth? You’re gone now, you
sonofabitch! Dead! Finally dead! Gone! Dead! Dead! Dead!
The stage is quiet. Ted crosses to Mixie and takes her in his
arms. The TV comes to life. The image is of Norman, fullbodied now, but only shown from the waist up, sitting
behind a desk.
NORMAN
... and that’s it for the news in Guadalcanal. Next, we have a rather strange feature
coming from Harrisville. It seems that a man with a suddenly defunct dickie and a
famous writer’s widow have rushed headlong into the headlines, tying the knot in
a heady fashion. Meanwhile, Milo Black’s new book is continuing to take the
country by storm... .
[Mixie screams, runs over and rips the TV plug from the
wall. The radio starts up and Norman’s voice is heard.]
NORMAN
That’s right folks, this is Tush Bimbaugh here, guiding you down the cul-de-sac
of contemporary canon and the blind alley of banality. Today’s topic: sexual
obsession—is it worth going to pieces over?
Mixie smashes the radio. Eight seconds, then the typewriter
taps slowly, seven times, then ceases. Ted and Mixie
cautiously walk over and look at the paper.
TED AND MIXIE
“Hey Kids”?
Lights fade quickly. Curtain.