How do you build trust in your family?
Nowadays, it is one of the most important issues about a relationship
between the children and the parents in the world. However it is also one
of the most difficult things to rear the children. All needs to be good family
is trust each other. It fosters by many things, and needs to take time. In this
essay, I would like to write about “reprimand” and “compliment”, and how
these affect rearing. I hope that it helps the mothers and the children for
the better.
1. What is Praise and Reprimand?
1-1 Reprimand
At first, I would like to define what “reprimand” is. I would say that
is “emotion”. The adults should rethink from the beginning. The child was
born as clearly pure and innocence. All of good and bad things are taught
from adults. Therefore, what parent need is teaching. In nature teaching
does not need to have emotion. However we are human beings, and have
emotion which means the parents must control their emotion as possible
as they can. It sounds like ultimate way, but also necessary thing for the
children. I introduce some stories.
•
A girl who was weak child so that there were many things that she
could not do. When she was junior high school student, she was
dying to change her hair color. Because her friends changed hair
color for being more fashionable. She begged to her mother to do
same thing as them, but it was not allowed. And her mother
explained the reason why it is not good for her. The liquid is
carcinogen but also it goes to uterus directly. She felt scare, and
understood why her mother did not accept it. Some teacher or
mothers just say NO without specific reason, or explain wrong
reason. If the children do not agree, they probably do in secret. And
if adult scolds, they get more rebellious spirit, or obey with fear.
•
Mr. Mizutani is a teacher who has been taking care of many problem
children. He said that it is good to make a curfew and suggest how
reaction gives the children if they break a rule. Mother waits until
child comes back, and says “I was so worried about you. I have been
waiting you. Are you hungry? Come on, you have dinner”. The
children cannot do same thing again, he says. Mother usually scolds
if their child does not keep promise or perhaps cry or ignore.
However why is it not good for the child to hang out midnight? Why
do adults give a caution to child? Because it is just dangerous for
them. Of course protection of the children is a duty of the parents. It
has to be simple wishes that the children be happy and fine. If the
mothers scold the children even it comes from worries, it is
ineffective.
•
One girl who does not have good relationship with her family,
especially with her father who is so strict man. She gets scared him
all the time. One day, she got angry from him. The reason was she
broke the rule that her father made. She did not agree with his rule,
but he insisted that it is promise. This kind of conflict is so important
that it is necessary to think deeply. In this case, it is not promise, just
order. The children have emotion and thinking. The parents must
not force them. It becomes rebellious spirit as well. It is important to
make the children understand. The children are surely able to
understand any promise if the parents care of them from the bottom
of the heart.
As these examples, the children do not know many things, and need to be
taught obvious reason. It is likely to get wrong though, child is child. They
are not adults, which mean they cannot do lots of things as much as adult
can. As can be seen from this chapter, it is important to have a patient
mind and tell a distillate idea instead of reprimand.
1-2 Compliment
Next, I would like to write about compliment. As adults are same,
everybody likes to have a compliment. It has scientific reason. An
American psychologist who name is E.B. Hurlock conducted an
experimental test about effect of praise. She divided fifth grade elementary
school student to three groups. They tried to add for fifteen minutes in a
day for five days.
The result was following.
This kind of research is called “praise effective” that the difference
between reprimands or letting alone and praise or acceptation. A
compliment makes the children confident.
However blind praise makes the child worry or fear because of a heavy
burden, Haim G. Ginott who is a child psychologist says. It needs to think
of each single child. What kind of personality they have? How praise does
they need? And Haim also says that the parents should praise about
improvement, not original personality.
As can be seen from this chapter, good and kind words that is only needed
for each child are essential for them.
2. Is Too much good or bad?
2-1 Too much reprimand.
I mentioned that it is good to give compliment to the children. However, it
is not easy for the mothers all the time.
Following is a questionnaire about the time when the mothers reprimand
their child.
According to this survey, all of mothers reprimand their child for some
reasons which means that the mothers sometimes cannot control their
emotion. It might come from stress or any other circumstance.
Following is another one.
Over half of mothers regret their too much reprimand.
Some mothers stay at home a whole day, on the other hand another some
mother work hard everyday, and they might get tiredness. It is true that
there are the mothers who scold their children even though do not want to.
As I wrote above, Mothers are human beings, and they have lots of
hardship. But also we have to remind that the word can be knife, and that
is why the adults teach the children not to hurt other people at home or
school. Please imagine the children who were given these kinds of words.
Mother is extraordinary precious person from the children. It cannot hit
rewind once mother have said it. Words, action, reaction, education and
the all of things are absolutely important for the children, which means it
affects until their future. It is duty of the adults to take a responsibility for
mouthing the word to the children.
So how to deal with? There is just one answer. If the mothers scold too
much, they just have to apologize to their children as soon as possible.
Mother’s words are surprisingly powerful for the children. Therefore the
mothers need to explain the reason why it was hurtful or heavy word, and
hug them by all means. The children feel relief and affair because of
mother’s hug. It also connects child’s trust to the mothers.
2-2 Too much compliment.
As above, it is not good to give too much reprimand for the children. So,
how about giving too much compliment?
Some people usually say that it means that the mothers spoil the children.
No, it is definitely not. Many of parents get it wrong. In my case, I would
say that my mother has been being too kind to me. I have never got angry
from her. My some friends were so surprise when I told this, and they
have might though that I was spoiled too much. However, no reprimanding
always does not mean spoiling.
Too much compliment can be called as "excessive nurturing”. It is
impossible to remove all of danger and fulfill all desires of the children.
Therefore the mothers should protect and love them as much as possible.
It could be called “supporting”. In despite of excessive meddling, the
mothers teach them how to do until the children achieve no matter how
long it takes. If the mothers help and cover their task, it does harm for
them. Masami Suzuki who is a child psychologist says that the children be
filled with their much of desires, they satisfy at some point. And it becomes
independence. Even though many of mothers get wrong as long-lasting of
independence, it is faster actually. The mothers help the children by force
even they say that it is no need, their desire goes long, and they ask much
help more that they need. The children grow up with trust of the world and
confidence of themselves through the mothers. That’s what enough
acceptance of desire and lots of love is absolutely necessary.
Moreover, advances of brain science discovered a prefrontal cortex
activity: The gray matter of the anterior part of the frontal lobe that is
highly developed in humans and plays a role in the regulation of complex
cognitive, emotional, and behavioral functioning. This is sort of a control
center of the whole brain. It is a base of imagination and creativeness, and
contains emotion and impulse. This develops markedly two times that
infant who is 1-2 years old and 2-5 years old. Therefore it is enormously
important that the child grow near trusty parent these points. The mothers
must give a lot of love and affair to them. At least, the mothers should be
with the children during this stage.
•
One girl has mother who was so strict and keen. The mother always
commanded her for any actions. For instance, the mother suggest
her to go a restroom every time even she did not say anything.
However she went to toilet as instructed. Few years later, the mother
got bothered by her daughter became so rebellious girl. It is nature,
because she was under the stress all the time. She just had to be
patient at that time until her daughter’s dissatisfaction was gone.
As these stories, it is absolutely important what the mothers communicate
with the children during infant. It is a base of rearing. Therefore the
mothers need to be serious especially this stage.
3. Conclusion
I wrote about the children who is around infant mainly. That is so
important, because if the mothers and the children foster trust during 1-5
years as I wrote above and are confidential relationship, it is possible to get
by the children's rebellious age. They might remember a bad word or want
to pretend a bad boy because of friends or information that they get
somewhere. To those children, the mothers are patient every single day.
Trust will be settled the problem.
At last, I would like to define what a good family is. There are many style of
it, of course. However, no matter what problem happens or how long
distance they have, it never disappears to care each other only if they are
confidential relationship. All needs to be a confidential relationship is trust
each other.
Advice..
I would like to make important suggestions and how to do it.
1.
Be patient, and have extra room in your mind : Do not forget that
you love and pleasure of staying with your child. It is amazingly
happiness that your child is growing vividly.
2.
Believe, be quiet and watch over the growth : There are so many
danger, worries, annoyance and mistake with your child, of course.
It is the child. They are not adult like you. And they are great than
you think. If you believe them, they definitely deliver the hope.
3.
Give lots of love even it is excessive nurturing : Your child is only
one in the world. And your child also has only one mother who is
you. Please give them generous affection with no pretension.
References;
BOOKS
「うちの子、どうして言うこと聞かないの？」 古川伸子 小学館
「子育てのツボ」水谷修 日本評論社
「抱きしめよう、わが子のぜんぶ」 佐々木正美 大和出版
「Developmental Psychology」E. B. Hurlock McGraw­Hill Education WEBSITE
http://www.bandai.co.jp/kodomo/pdf/question133.pdf
http://benesse.jp/blog/20111110/p2.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haim_Ginott