THE LOTTERY TICKET
B. JAGGER
105 pages
Dramedy / Present
Analyst: TZ
01/02/2014
PASS / CONSIDER / RECOMMEND
LOGLINE
An ex-veteran and widower struggles financially to care for his
two young daughters but a lottery ticket changes his destiny.
BRIEF SYNOPSIS
JOSEPH (30’s) is an ex-veteran and widower trying to care for his
two young daughters JENNY (12) and LUCY (9). He took care of his
terminally ill wife for two years before she passed away. Now he
finds it difficult to find a job. There is barely any food in the
house and he has just received an eviction notice. His only
support is his best friend KURT who offers him a “second chance”
lottery ticket and he wins $100. The money doesn’t get him very
far.
Joseph turns to UNCLE FRED asking for a loan, but Fred turns him
down. Joseph’s mother-in-law CLAIRE is dismayed by Joseph’s
inability to care for the girls.
While shopping for food with his last $10 dollars, he decides to
buy the mega lottery ticket that is worth over $600 million
dollars. The next day he is more than surprised when he wins! He
has to wait two days to collect the money.
Suddenly everyone becomes Joseph’s best friend. Uncle Fred sells
him a car loaning him the money until he gets his check.
Women flirt with Joseph and people want him to invest. Being a
veteran, he decides to help the charity VetHire, run by CHARLES
GRANT. They become friends. While visiting his wife’s grave a
woman appears, ANNIE, Joseph’s sister. They reunite.
When Joseph goes to the Lottery Commission to collect his check
he learns that they will not pay out the money because they have
a video of him letting his minor daughters pick the numbers for
the lotto machine. That is illegal but they won’t press charges.
The news hits the media.
Claire decides to sue Joseph for custody. Annie offers Joseph and
the girls a home; Kurt and Annie standby Joseph in court
supporting him. When Joseph is questioned about a job, Charles
Grant speaks up and offers Joseph a job at VetHire. The Judge is
satisfied that Joseph can provide a caring and safe home for the
girls.
As they pack up their belongings, a person shows up with a
package for Joseph – it’s his wife’s life insurance policy check
– for one million dollars. He’s won the lottery after all.
WHAT WORKS / WHAT DOESN'T / SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT
This is a story that two strong twists but the overall structure
and series of events needs further development to be successful.
The story’s genre and tone is somewhat ambiguous and concerning.
It is presented more like a mild drama but the dramatic tone
isn’t strong yet it has very serious moments (the backstory
flashbacks).
The story actually would work more effectively as a true comedy.
In fact the opening felt more like the story was going to be a
comedy but as it progressed this became unclear as to the true
intention.
The concept of someone winning a lottery ticket is not a new
concept in film i.e. THE LOTTERY TICKET (2010) and IT COULD
HAPPEN TO YOU. In some ways it feels outdated.
The story opens cleverly. We see the protagonist with a piece of
paper and he yells: “I won!” and the audience thinks he is
talking about a lottery ticket but in reality he is playing a
board game with his girls. This is fun. This is also why we
initially think and anticipate that the story is going to be a
comedy.
If the intention is to be a true drama, consider an opening that
is more fitting with a more appropriate tone one associates with
a dramatic story.
As the first act progresses we meet the central characters and
Joseph’s ordinary life is well established. He is financially
struggling and can’t find a job. He is being evicted. The
inciting event or catalyst is when Joseph decides to buy a lotto
ticket vs. food for his daughters. It is a moral choice. The
audience thinks it is the wrong choice but this works to help
pull the audience into story.
The event of winning the lottery propels act one into act two.
Act two is a series of events in which people suddenly becomes
Joseph’s friend and Joseph spends some of the money before he has
it. This creates some mild anxiety in the audience as we dread
something will go horribly wrong (and it does).
The series of events in the second act are not very engaging.
They are not very dramatic and they are not comedic adding to the
ambiguous
tone
and
story
type.
There
isn’t
enough
dramatic/comedic tension in the second act to maintain the
interest of the audience.
The character of Annie, the sister, is introduced on page 61,
which is too late in the structure and she is not properly
foreshadowed or setup. The backstory involving Annie and Joseph
is rather vague.
In the second act the first major twist occurs when Joseph learns
he will not be getting the money because he allowed his daughters
to buy the ticket. It is a very intriguing twist but one we
associate more with a comedy. This becomes one of his all is lost
moments combined with his mother in law suing him for custody.
This propels the story into the third act.
The third act consists of a courtroom trial for custody.
trial doesn’t hold much tension. For those who work in this
know that a child can’t be taken away from a parent unless
are in physical danger or there is severe neglect.
The
area
they
The
credibility is lacking. However there are ways to elevate the
credibility or setup more tension.
For example, if one of the little girls had been accidentally
hurt at home (trying to cook or reach the cupboard) we could see
his mother in law using this against him. If one of the girls was
rushed to the hospital for a medical reason than we could see how
this could also be twisted and used against him. If Joseph had
been asked in court about the money he brought the ticket with
and had to admit he spend his last $10 on a ticket vs. food this
would elevate the tension and belief that he might lose his kids.
The audience needs to be convinced of that possibility and
perhaps he even does lose his children and has to “win” them
back.
The idea of Charles coming to court announcing that Joseph does
have a job is sweet and again more consistent with a comedy.
The ending has another nice twist regarding the life insurance
policy. However we do ponder the credibility of Joseph not
knowing the amount given that he said: “the life insurance appeal
is in legal limbo.” This means he knew about the insurance and it
being in legal limbo is vague. It might work more effectively if
he didn’t know his wife had a policy at all.
The final scene is rather blunt and ends abruptly.
The structure has a series of flashbacks to Afghanistan and this
gives the story more of a dramatic and serious feel. The
flashbacks are not needed, they are not engaging, the tension is
lacking, and they take the audience out of main story. We can
simply learn about his time in the war.
If the true intention is to be a drama elevate the tone and
develop more dramatic sequences and reveals. If the true
intention is to be a comedy elevate the comedic elements and
tension (we like that he goes for a job and it turns out to be
for a paper boy – this type of comedy has to be elevated).
This story does present with a likable protagonist
believe he does care about his daughters. He makes
choices for the right reasons. The audience roots for
trying to get over the death of his wife and struggles
Joseph. We
some wrong
him. He is
internally
with being a failure although this is not well highlighted. The
story presents him with some mild moral choices but he never has
a strong defining moment and in the climax there is no true moral
sacrifice on Joseph’s part.
Joseph’s transformation is not well defined. We don’t know if it
is supposed to be that he learns to accept help from others or
not. Identifying the emotional premise, theme, or message or
moral lesson to the story will help the audience understand his
character development. We need to understand his point of view of
life in the opening and how it changes at the end.
Claire is presented as rather one-dimensional. She becomes the
human foe and she clearly resents Joseph. We have a hard time
believing that she wouldn’t help her grandkids. She is perhaps
too one-sided as a character and she needs more depth; the
charming, conning lady with an agenda.
Uncle Fred could make for a great comedic character with more
development.
Annie and Kurt are rather ordinary as characters although we
really do like Kurt. The girls are cute. There is no strong
payoff for the bully at school. Katie seems to disappear around
page 50 so there is no payoff after the father loses the money.
This subplot could use more development.
There are other characters that have no strong role or payoff
including Tina. Tina is last seen around page 64/65.
The dialogue is rather average and on the nose. Katie: “Your dad
found a job yet?” We find it hard to believe that kids would ask
this. Kids would pick on the girls for perhaps wearing the same
clothing, or torn clothes, or not having lunch etc. That would be
more realistic.
Consider adding a potential budding romance to the story for
Joseph.
The professional presentation can be stronger. Avoid telling vs.
showing. For example “Lucy’s normal bubbliness is replaced with a
subdued demeanor.”
This needs to be visual, as the audience
can’t “see” this description. Visually show her subdued demeanor.
Another example on page 12: “Jenny is embarrassed and worried
she’s going to receive more teasing, she shrinks her body
language as if to hide in plain site.” The audience can’t see how
Jenny is thinking they have to visually see action/behavior. The
same applies on page 68 regarding Joseph’s “frustration at the
irony of his Uncle’s statement.”
There are some minor formatting issues including missing
sluglines or heading example on page 1 there should be a heading
for the bedroom. There are spacing issues in formatting page 4
etc. The bedroom should be a heading/slugline. Currently there is
“bedroom” beneath the heading and then no space between Bedroom
and the scene direction.
In summary some strong workable twists, but the series of events
are not strong enough to carry the storyline and in the end it
does not provide a full emotional experience.
ANALYSIS GRID
Please note: These are arbitrary scores assigned to each category
of your script by your analyst. They are not intended to be the
final say on your script or its potential, and may vary immensely
from analyst to analyst, and from draft to draft.
Strength of concept
65
First 10 pages
65
Goals clearly defined
75
Main Character(s) likability
70
Supporting Characters likability
65
Setting / Theme
70
Dialogue
70
Conflict / Rising Tension / Pacing
70
Climax / Payoff
65
Overall Clarity
80
Market Potential
65
Format / Spelling / Readability
75
Average Score
69.53
ANALYSIS DEFINITIONS
Strength of concept: How original, fresh, or buzz-worthy the concept is.
First 10 pages: How well the script grabs the reader and/or sets up the story
and/or pulls us forward within the first 10 pages.
Goals clearly defined: How clear the protagonist/s goal is to the reader.
Main
Characters(s)
likability:
How
much
does
protagonist/s, or find them interesting to watch?
the
reader
like
the
Supporting Characters likability: How much does the reader like the supporting
characters, or find them interesting to watch?
Setting/Theme:
Is the setting easily visualized by a reader?
theme? If so, is it being effectively transmitted to the reader?
Is there a
Dialogue: How crisp and/or unique is the dialogue? Do characters have their
own voices? Does it ring true to the reader within the script's universe?
Conflict / Rising Tension / Pacing: Is there a strong conflict in the story?
Does the dramatic tension escalate, or remain flat?
Climax / Payoff:
Does the ending feel earned, or arbitrary? Was there an
emotional payoff for the reader?
Overall Clarity: Is the script being as clear as it could be?
is the single biggest cause for spec scripts to be passed on.
Lack of clarity
Format / Spelling / Readability: Is the script in proper format? Is it free of
typos and errors? Will a reader have difficulty getting through this script
due to these problems?
RATINGS EXPLAINED
95% of the scripts we read receive a PASS
4% receive a CONSIDER
1% or less receive a RECOMMEND
PASS
"The script is not a lost cause, but it needs some work."
CONSIDER
"The script still needs work, but may be considered by an agency,
producer, etc."
RECOMMEND
"The script is good to go, or very close."
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