ThresholdConversations:MakingDifficultConversationsLessDifficult
Anyoneoftheseconversationsisgoingtobeawkward,possiblyheated,potentiallydamaging.Would
youliketobereadytohandlethemorsomethingsimilaryourself?
·You’vebeenpromotedtoleadtheteamyou’vebeenonforthreeyears.Nowtwoofyourcolleagues
willbarelyspeaktoyou.Youtrytostrikeupacasualconversationwithoneofthematthecoffee
station.
·Aco-worker,whomyoufeelslacksjudgmentandagoodtrackrecord,hasstoppedcomingtoyouwith
anyissuethatmightbeevenremotelychallenging.Nowshegoesdirectlytoyourbossandlodgesa
complaint.You’reheadedtoyourco-worker’soffice,preparedtohaveamuchneededheart-to-heart.
·You’vehiredajuniorengineerwhowaslaidofffromanotherdivisioninyourcompany.Youknowhe’d
beenwelllikedandhadworkedonsomeimportantprojects.Withinafewweeksyou’rebaffledbyhis
lackofperformanceandinabilitytoaccountforhistime.He’scometoyouwithalistofquestionsand
incompletetasksyou’vegoneoverwithhimalready.
WhatmakestheseThresholdConversations?
Thethresholdisthatmomentwhenyourealizethatyouandtheotherpersonareatadivide.You’re
tryingtosolveaproblem,butyouhaveuncoveredsomethingthat’sevenhardertomanage.Now
surprise,threat,anger,shame,impatienceorotheremotionsarebearingdownontheconversation.
Perhapsyourjawclenches,yourheartjumpsintoyourthroat,yourstomachknots,oryougoblank.In
someway,subtleornotso,youfeelasthoughyou’velostcontrol.You’restandingatoppositesidesofa
athresholdwiththeotherperson.
Thetemptationmaybetolookaway,ortorushinwitheverythingyou’vegot.Orsomeconfusingmiddle
stance?Ifyou’renotconsumedwithyourownreaction,youmaynoticetheotherpersonisreadyto
pounceorrun,aswell.Theopportunityistostepacrossthatthresholdtoseekgreatermeaningand
understanding.Buthow?Let’sfaceit,whatyouwantisforotherstoseethingsyourwayandact
accordingly,right?Preferablywithasmile.Butyou’vealreadydiscoveredit’snotthatsimple.
Here'sasimple4-stepprocessforslowingdownyourreactivityatthethresholdmomentandcreating
somespaceandpossibilityforsteppingacrossthedivideandjoiningthemtocreateameaningful
exchange.
1.Pause-noticeyourownreactioninthemoment.Noticeitwithoutjudgingit.Noticingcantakethe
formofmentallylabelingit,whichhelpsyourecognizeitandcreatesomedistance(e.g.,“fear”or
“anger”or“shame”)
2.Breathe-takingafewmindfulbreathshelpstocalmthenervoussystemandshiftyououtofthefightflight-freezeresponse.Onceyou'vemovedoutoffight-flight-freeze,yourbraincanfunctionatahigher,
moresophisticatedlevel.Themindfulnesscreatesspaceandthatspacecreateschoices.
3.Listen-thoughitcanbehardtolistentosomeonewhoisfrustratingyou,keepbreathingandfocuson
being a listener. Let themknow you are listening by summarizing what you hear them saying and
checkingforaccuracy.
4. Ask - be curious about their perspective, experience, and conclusions in the situation. Let your first
goalbesimplytounderstandtheotherasfullyaspossible.Later,youcanaskpermissiontoshareyour
perspectiveandthenbegintheprocessofcollaborativelyworkingtowardresolution.
Startthereandseewhatnewpossibilitiesopenupforyouandtheotherperson.
©KandeCulverMcDonald,2015
2