Saturday Nation
Date: 30.01.2016
Page 17
Article size: 271 cm2
ColumnCM: 60.22
AVE: 123455.55
Go ahead, flaunt your relationship in our face
Folks, are you in a relation­
ship? And on social media?
Have you wondered how to have
a relationship on social media?
If I am talking to you then call
off the search parties. Stop look­
ing for solutions elsewhere. I am
your girl.
1. #SolnLoveWithBae!: This is a
to upload as many pictures as pos­ to make it a big deal. Have a hash­
sible of your popcorn, wine­glass, tag if you must. #FloraWedsMartin
remote and even television. Are must be a top trending topic. Those
you on a date night at an afford­ naysayers, pessimistic columnists
able Chinese restaurant? I need who are still single and searching
pictures of that too.
can hate all they want. It is your
3. #RuracioTings!: For you to big day. Did I mention photos?
have a successful relationship Ask your friends to take as many
on Instagram or Facebook, you are pictures of the lovely bride and tag
highly advised to give us a blow by­ them to your social media page. If
the rest of us did not get an invite
to your exclusive garden wedding, I
believe it is our right to know what
we missed. After the wedding, I
want photos of the honeymoon.
I want to know where you went
on honeymoon and for how many
Gone for holiday
days. How else am I going to com­
with your better half?
pare and outdo you? When you are
We need to see your
back from honeymoon, we want to
matching' beach sandals
know. We want the following photos
in no particular order. Photos of;
complete with a photo
#FirstMonthAsAMarriedCouple
caption 'His and Hers's."
special appeal to all women on
social media. Nothing screams 'I
am in a relationship' louder than
marking your territory on social
media. Ensure that you retweet, like
and comment on every single social
media by and about your man. Tag
your man in all your pictures and
Facebook posts so the rest of us
single and unhappy women know
that the boy is yours. Tweet him
once in a while, like thrice a day.
Comment on every post he uploads
and make it know that you took
that photo. On your anniversary Njoki Chege
or birthday, please do not allow us
to breathe. Flood our social media blow account of every high and low
timelines with sweet messages and of your relationship. Be as explicit
'throwback' photos of the two of as you possibly can. If you are plan­
you on your wedding day. Wake up ning to go for your girl's ruracio,
early, just before dawn, to craft a I am going to expect you to post
long, nonsensical birthday tribute an entire camera roll of that event
to your beloved. Tell us how much detailing the colour of the tents, the
mukimo you ate, the sodas you took
you love him, how he is your 'soul­
to the girl's home, the lesos they
mate' and cap it with photos of the
wore, and photos of your soon­to­be
birthday cake and the dinner date
wife's grandparents. As you plan for
later that night. Oh, don't worry
the wedding, you are encouraged
how late you'll return from your
to give us updates of your wedding
date, we'll wait up for you, just to
committee. Be as annoying as is
see the pictures.
humanly possible. Posts such as
2. #MovieNightWithBae: It is a
'The wedding committee meeting
jungle out there, and we are all
competing to see whose marriage is of Tom and Njeri will be held at
Norwich Union Towers, 4th floor,
happier than the next. Competition
is tight, and canvassing is highly room 407 from 7pm to 9pm. Come
on, come all. God loves a cheerful
encouraged through posting of
photos of happy, smiley couples. giver' are very welcome. As you
The more the merrier. Keep us grow closer to the wedding date,
busy. Feed our eyes into the hal­ keep us updated "Three more weeks
lowed private lives of your family. before I am officially Mrs...." And
Gone for holiday with your better the night before the wedding, re­
half? We need to see your match­ mind us, just in case we did not
ing beach sandals complete with a hear you the last a hundred times
photo caption 'His and Hers'. Are you told us.
you having a movie night in your 4. #ForBetterOrWorse: It is your
wedding, finally! I implore you
house? I am going to require you
and #MarriageIsFun.
5. #TheProposal, #ISaidYes,
#SheSaidYes: Hang on, I
think I forgot something, but I
won't go all the way up to insert
it. So I will write it here. I forgot
the wedding proposal! Now people,
it is not every day that people get
proposed to. I mean, I have never
been proposed to, and I live for
the day it will happen. This is why
I advise you to make it as grandi­
ose as possible. Engage your fertile
imagination. Propose publicly, on
television, in the full glare of cam­
eras. Propose on her birthday, in
front of her friends. Walk up to
her in her office and sink on one
bended knee. For the man, ensure
there is a cameraman to capture
this historic moment. For the
woman, make sure your nails are
excellently manicured. Red is the
preferred bridal colour. And finally
folks, do I have to remind you that
you must upload these photos on
Instagram and make them your
WhatsApp profile picture for all the
bitter exes to see and nyongwa?
That, ladies and gentlemen, is
how to have a relationship on
social media.
#HaveALovingWeekend!
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