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Page 10B
Vermont Standard Page
10A
VERMONT SUB STANDARD
Never-Ending Winter 2014
Spring 2014
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Woodstock Trustees Pass Total Silence Ordinance
By Luther Greene
W
Standard Stiff
OODSTOCK — Please
don’t read this story out
loud — you might be
fined for it.
Village Trustees have passed an
ordinance limiting sounds to 30
decibels in the village — just about
the sound of rustling leaves and
below irritating bird calls, which
average about 44 decibels.
Trustees enacted a total silence
ordinance, outlawing uncomfortable
noises, in response to complaints of
loud talking, noisy libraries and too
much babble in the babbling brooks.
“(Inaudible),” said Trustee Ben
Grover.
Trustees chair Ike Handsworth
drew criticism for what seemed
to be a 10-inch voice — when
describing the difference in the
allowed 6-inch voice and an illegal
7-inch voice.
Those who violate the ordinance
will be fined $800 and have their car
towed — maybe. The money from
the fines will go toward a west end
riverfront park.
Illegal Sounds
The following noises are
illegal in the Village.
Page Turning ........................ 35 dBs
Flatulence ............................. 40 dBs
Chirping Birds ....................... 44 dBs
Sneezes................................ 50 dBs
Clopping of Horse Hooves.... 55 dBs
Virtual Calvin Coolidge Goes On Strike
By Loud Cal
T
For The Coolidge
Annie Leibovitz Photo
Scatamounts, which the Vermont Fish and Wildlife brought in to deal with killer crocodiles, have
taken over local ski resorts.
Village Struggling With
Invasive Scatamounts
By Jane Baddall
W
For Her Memoirs
hat started with an
infestation of emerald ash
borers, now have police
and state SWAT units working full
time to control an uncontrollable
amount of Scatamounts — a rare
race of hybrid gorilla-Vermonterpanther people.
The Scatamounts have been
spotted across the region, taking
in the lovely villages and covered
bridges, sipping hot cocoa by fire
in ski lodges and savagely attacking
the horde of killer crocodiles in the
area.
"It's a golden age for the animal
control business, we're flush with
orders," said Cooter Rueter Vice
President Randy Bugsman.
Vermont Fish and Wildlife bred
the Scatamounts to handle the
crocodiles, which overran the state
following the influx of predatory,
man-toothed chickens — the state's
solution to the growing African
Fright beetle issue. Those beetles
were brought in to handle the
Japanese knotweed that was growing
alongside many area rivers.
"Luckily the knotweed is gone,
but those Scatamounts have taken all
the lift tickets in the region. We can't
ski anywhere and feel safe," said
Woodstock resident Rob Bartlett.
VFW announced the plan to
send thousands of cyborg robots to
exterminate the Scatamounts.
"There's simply no way these
robots, which we've named the
Verminators, will ever turn on us
humans. We have nothing to fear,"
said VFW Director John Connor.
Putin To Annex Prosper
By Vladimir Putout
Russian Correspondent
R
ussian President Vladimir
Putin plans to sign a
bill Friday to complete
its annexation of Prosper, the
unincorporated town north of
Woodstock.
On Wednesday, the Prosper
Selectboard voted to enter into
the Russian Federation while
Putin quietly moved 3,000 troops
into the region. President Obama
denounced the move Thursday,
calling for sanctions.
But the mood in Prosper was
decidedly different. Many of the
townspeople flew Soviet flags
and fired their muzzleloaders into
the air, shouting “Prosper Loves
Putin.” The Prosper Community
House’s Chicken Pie Supper has
also already been renamed to the
Borscht and Vodka Supper.
he virtual image of President
Calvin Coolidge recently
stomped out of the visitor’s
center at Plymouth Notch, after
announcing, “I do not choose to talk
anymore.”
Apparently virtual Coolidge —
which greets visitors in the museum
at the Calvin Coolidge State Historic
Site — had been threatening to strike
for some time.
“He’s sick of all the stupid
questions, you know. I mean, how
many times can you tell somebody
how you got the nickname ‘Silent
Cal’ without getting exasperated?”
said a source close to the museum.
Virtual Coolidge was last seen
buying a can of Moxie at Bridgewater
Corners Store, and starting hiking
toward Killington, a well-known
playground for what some consider
trashy, fun-loving and friendly to
virtual presidents.
The visitor’s center quickly
replaced virtual Coolidge with what
they describe as, “an improved and
updated” virtual George W. Bush.
Apparently, the virtual Bush also
gives painting tips, besides answering
questions, and shouting phrases
like, “Dead or Alive,” “Nukular”
and everyone’s favorite “Yurp,” his
classic folksy pronunciation of the
word Europe.
Virtual Photo
Virtual Calvin Coolidge relaxes on his virtual rocking chair on
his virtual porch in virtual Plymouth.
Bowers Bridge Opened, No, Wait It’s
Closed, OK, Really It’s Open, Closed
By Troll Ridge
W
For Bridge News
Rick Russell Photo
An unidentified Russian soldier teachers Prosper resident Mary
Williams how to fire an assault rifle.
est Windsor residents
celebrated and lamented
the opening and the
closing of the oft-damaged and
repaired Bowers Bridge on Tuesday.
“This is the happiest and saddest
day of my life,” said Brownsville
Mayor Quib Scrubman. “I don’t
know how to feel anymore.”
As soon as organizers cut the
ribbon (to applause), a piece of
the ribbon swung off and knocked
out a key girder on the bridge (to
simultaneous groans from those on
hand).
Bo Truss, a historic preservationist
that specializes in bridges, fixed
the bridge moments later — and
the group continued the ceremony,
only to have the town monster truck
damage the frame during its deftdefying 400-foot jump through a
flaming circle and over the historic
Bowers Bridge.
Woodstock On Travelocity’s ‘Top 5 Places Named Woodstock’ List
Disassociated Press
ove over Woodstock,
Ga., there’s a new top
Woodstock in the U.S.
M
Travelocity recently released
its list of Top 5 Places Named
Woodstock and Woodstock, Vt. sits
atop the list. In second place was last
year’s chart-topper, Woodstock, Ga.,
home of Cherokee County’s largest
man-made peach.
“There’s no more prestigious list
than this,” said Central Vermont
Chamber President Collingsworth
Higginsbee. “We’re predicting a
sizable increase in tourism for those
hoping to cross the ‘Big Five’ off
their list.”
Other Woodstocks on the list were:
No. 3 — Woodstock, N.Y.; No. 4
— Woodstock, Conn. and rounding
out the list, Woodstock, Ala.
How To Get To The Vermont Standard Office
3
NABBED!
Virtual Photo
A Windsor County Sheriff’s deputy pulls over Gwendolyn
Hatsbury for going 4 mph in a 3 mph zone in Bridgewater. The
state recently lowered the speed limit in the town.
One of the most frequent calls we get is for directions to the office. Well
here they are. Start at downtown Woodstock and head west toward the
Green. If you don’t know what the Green is, it’s the median where there
is grass. Go past that. Now, you’re going to want to stop and talk to Ned
Davis, he’s the old man on the left. You can pull into his driveway. There,
he’ll give you three riddles you’ll have to solve. Finally, you’ll play one
game of “Find the red queen” with Ned. If you find the red queen, he’ll
give you your next clue (which is a single wooden oar). From there, your
journey will take you to the Ottauquechee River on your left. You’ll park
your car at White Cottage, get into a canoe and use your oar to paddle
upstream. Nine of the 10 canoes have holes in their hulls, so if you get
one of those, you’ll need to paddle fast. Eventually, you’ll lose the battle
to the currents and you’ll float downstream, down to Taftsville, where you’ll
fall over the edge and need to be rescued. There, you’ll be taken to the
best river rescue hospital in New England, which is in Providence, R.I.
You’ll see Dr. Dan Meyerson, who will treat your river wounds and give
you a nice salve. When you’re healthy, you’ll be discharged. Leave the
hospital and hail a cab driven by a Romanian gentleman named Andrei.
He knows the way to our offices.
Outhouse Is Now In Session
A contracting mix-up turned the Windsor County Courthouse
into the world’s largest outhouse. Plans were given to the
contractor, but the company: Aig and Aig Onstution, claimed
the title of the blueprint confused them. “I knew it needed a
bathroom, for sure. Once I saw the plans, I just went ahead with
what I think they were getting after,” said Hal Craig Jr, co-owner
with his father.