WILSON BANWELL EFAP QUARTERLY
VOLUME 4 • ISSUE 2 • 1999
E
EMPATHY
Witness our scripted bumblers and villains. No sensitivity for the child: “Girl number
twenty unable to define a horse!” barks Dickens' teacher, Mr. Gradgrind: “Girl number
twenty possessed of no facts, in reference to one of the commonest of animals!” No time
for the plight of the poor: “My nobler friends, I crave their pardons: For the mutable, rankscented many, let them regard me as I do not flatter....” scorns Shakespeare's Coriolanus.
On hand with the wrong word at the wrong time: “I'm sure I have as much forgot your
poor dear uncle as if he had never existed,'' asserts Sheridan's Mrs. Malaprop. These
colourful characters go about their business with little consideration for others. What they
share is a striking lack of empathy.
Empathy is the ability to 'put yourself in someone else's shoes'. It is the capacity to understand and appreciate the emotions and experiences of others. Empathy differs from sympathy in that you don't have to share these emotions to feel what others are feeling. You
are able, however, to anticipate and conceive what it must be like.
Those who lack empathy reveal themselves in their behaviour. They are dismissive, too
quick to assume. They often behave inappropriately – tromping through sensitivities and
sparking controversy. They resort to generalizations, stereotypes, even slurs. They push
too soon and offer too little. They expose themselves in their communication. They can
seem oblivious to the audience at hand. Many present information in a way that it will not
be heard. They assume that people will have the same interests, the same way of thinking
and learning as they do. They don't listen to what is really being said.
When empathy is wanting, the fallout is clear. Others can be hurt, offended, angry. “How
could you know so little about me?” They can start to doubt themselves and the relationship. They can feel alienated, unwilling to divulge themselves to someone who so obviously does not understand them.
Those who are low in empathy also suffer. They have limited perspectives and narrow experiences. Their interactions are often self-fulfilling. They compel people to react as they might
expect. Their meetings with others can be awkward, with surprising outcomes. “Suddenly
we're not talking?” “Why the crying?” All this has an obvious effect on relationships at
home and at work. It can degrade trust and loyalty. When those low in empathy fall into
crisis, they can be taken aback by the resentment with which people may treat them. Others
may be more likely to remind them of past transgressions than to offer support.
People who are low in empathy can share some other important personality characteristics. They are more likely to be 'narcissistic' or self absorbed. They will tend to frame the
continued on next page
What am I?
As soon as you guess what this is, fax your name, phone number and answer to “What Am I” at
(604) 689-9442. All correct answers will be placed in a draw. The winner will receive a gift
certificate for dinner.
Some consider me polite –
I live amidst a ball of stuff;
a tasteful, cleansing, dab delight.
money, crumbs and pocket fluff.
Others think me quite a fright –Winter can be kind of rough.
a soggy, crumpled, nasty sight.
Please bathe me now, I've had enough.
Congratulations and a dinner certificate to Stacey Valpy who guessed the correct answer to our
last “Who am I?” contest: Oscar the Grouch.
continued from front page
world as it relates directly to them. They can expect others to be similarly entranced by what they say and do.
Some may talk about themselves at great length. Others
may just assume that the people around them must
know how they are feeling.
punishment, humiliation and embarrassment can all
decrease empathy. A loving approach, however, is not
enough. Children also need fair, consistent rules and limits. An overly permissive environment is more likely to
lead to self-indulgence than empathy.
H.R. Profiles, a Wilson Banwell subsidiary, has conducted management research on the correlation between
empathy and other personality variables. They find that
managers high in empathy tend also to show more support and respect for their employees. They are more caring and democratic in their approach. Much research
confirms that people who are high in empathy are also
more altruistic and community oriented. They devote
themselves to more volunteer work and, in so doing,
improve their health and well being.
In her sensitively written book: Raising Compassionate,
Courageous Children in a Violent World, Dr. Janice Cohn
emphasizes the importance of helping children to
understand the consequences of their actions. Talk to
even young toddlers, she says, about the impact they
have on other people's emotions. “Annie is sad when
you push her.” Help them to imagine how others might
be feeling. “If you were she, what would you want?”
Offer reasons, Cohn says, not commands. A reasonable
approach, however, need not be cold. Young children
are more likely to remember opinions that are expressed
with a constructive passion.
Is empathy at risk? Are we less empathic than our forebears? Some worry that the usual suspects – economic
uncertainty, changing roles, family pressure – are dampening our empathy. They point to the 'Me' focus of the
last decade. They look to the violence, the unpredictability of life in even the most innocuous streets.
How do we process tragedies like children shooting children at school? How can we fathom the litany of invasions and attacks on the nightly news?
It is natural to focus homeward, to worry about how we
are going to protect our families. But what lessons are we
teaching our children? Care about the homeless, but don't
walk near them because they might hurt you or carry disease. Be tolerant of others, but don't trust strangers, particularly those who are different in this or that way. It is
hard to reconcile real fears, values and contradictions into
a meaningful message. What is the bottom line in what
we are saying to our children? How can we keep our children safe, yet teach them to be caring and empathic, to
behave with integrity? Research tells us that children
who understand and help others will have more success
at work, at home and in the community. They will be less
prone to depression. How, then, can we foster empathy
in the 'new' generation, our children?
If children are to have empathy for others, the research
tells us, they must first feel a certain level of comfort and
security themselves. Children are more likely to become
empathic if they have been treated with warmth, love and
respect. They learn valuable lessons when they are treated with open affection, when they see that their parents
are sensitive to their concerns and their needs. Children
are less likely to develop empathy if they are treated with
indifference or a love that seems conditional. Physical
WILSON BANWELL
We cannot downplay the importance of parents as role
models. Cohn cites David Rosenhan's research that identifies just how much altruistic civil leaders were influenced by what they saw their own parents do. Our children need to see us actively caring for others. Of course,
Cohn says, we can caution our children about suspicious
or dangerous behaviour. We must also, however, teach
them to seek out an adult if someone seems hurt or in
trouble.
We should encourage children to initiate small acts of
charity and kindness. We can mind cross-cultural research
that tells us that children are more likely to develop empathy if they are assigned chores that are ongoing, clearly
defined and somewhat related to other people. There is
much to be gained, for instance, from babysitting younger
siblings. In encouraging, however, it is important to give
choices. We do not want these children to feel that they are
being forced to help. They are more likely to stay on track
if they can see their own positive impact.
Children are far more likely to empathize if they can see
what they have in common with seemingly different others. It is important, Cohn emphasizes, that we do not
stereotype and expect less empathy from boys than girls.
Parents should also be quick to denounce violent or hatedriven acts by others or on t.v. Our silence can be interpreted as acceptance or indifference by our children.
With a concerted effort we can increase our own empathy and that of our children. We are bound, nevertheless, to encounter others who show little empathy. What
is the most effective way to deal with them?
NEWS
HR Profiles Ltd., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Wilson Banwell, is well into its new contract with the Insurance
Corporation of B.C. The “Leadership and Management Development Program” provides an assessment program for
500 managers for leadership and management development and succession planning. Caliper Canada, another subsidiary of Wilson Banwell, is growing steadily across Canada with its newly-introduced, assessment-based, selection
consultation service. It recently set a 100% growth mark for the last 12 months.
D
DEALING WITH THE NON-EMPATHIC
You are empathetically enlightened. You anticipate and
read others well. Your children have followed your
impressive lead. There you are, though, faced with someone who just doesn't seem to understand you. They play a
significant role in your life, yet they are constantly leaving you frustrated, baffled or
annoyed. You may even understand why
they show little empathy, but that is mild
consolation. What do you do?
1. Accept them or not. Recognize that you
personally will not be able to transform the
low-empathy person. Make a conscious
decision about whether or not you want
them in your life. Develop realistic expectations and accept
no less.
2. Spell it out. Never assume that you have and will be
understood. Be explicit about what you are expecting.
Don't wait to be disappointed. Don't worry about overstating what may strike you as obvious.
3. Set a good example. Resist the temptation to treat the
low-empathy person with as little empathy as they give.
They are unlikely to recognize this behaviour as a 'dose of
their own medicine'. Astound them with your own perception and caring.
4. Let them see you fret. If someone low in empathy has
truly hurt or angered you, don't rely on the 'silent treatment'. Chances are you will be misunderstood. Find a
constructive way to tell them how you are feeling and why.
5. Reward progress. Pay more attention to two steps forward than one step back. Let the low-empathy person
know how much you appreciate the little things they have
done right. Keep praise pure. Don't muddle it with references to how much better this particular behaviour was in
comparison to that thing they did wrong in the past.
word for word
Chump
A short, thick end piece.
Crump
Crisp, brittle
Dump
A melancholy tune
Flump
To fall down, suddenly and heavily
Lump
A suctorial fish
Mump
To sulk or beg
Stump
To tour, making speeches
You Should Have Seen Me
Am I empathic? Absolutely. Is Joe
in the next office? Well.... H.R.
Profiles has applied LAMP – its
Leadership and Management
Practices 360˚ feedback tool –
across a broad range of companies. Much interesting analysis
has centred around the 'Empathy'
scale. 'Empathy', as it turns out, is
one of those scales where we find
significant differences between
how people rate themselves and
how they are rated by others.
Most striking is the difference
between Self-Ratings and those of
Peers. People, that is, tend to see
themselves as pretty empathic.
Employees and Bosses, on the
whole, rate them somewhat lower.
Peers, that is co-workers at a similar level, tend to offer each other
the lowest empathy ratings.
Why are peers more critical? They
may have fewer opportunities to
see us at our most empathic.
Their contact with us is limited.
We may save our greatest empathy
for our employees – isn't that our
job? We may present our most
even-keeled, diplomatic analyses
for our bosses. It is with our peers,
however, that we might be most
likely to 'dump'. “I had a lousy
day....” “You wouldn't believe
what she did.” We are looking for
acknowledgment, support, ideas.
We are done giving, we need
some self-focused relief. We can
be so busy venting, that we
haven't taken the time to really listen to what our peers are saying.
We may rush them through their
concerns to get them to consider
ours. We may falsely assume that
their situations are similar to ours.
We will likely be even less
empathic if we are competing with
our peers. Our peers, however,
are potentially our most effective
support group. It is important that
we 'save some empathy' for them.
M
mind your p's & q's
at work
Etiquette. Protocol. Decorum. These stiff words can
bring visions of strained smiles, perfect posture, dangling pinkies and absolutely no fun. People who are
stuffing all feelings and opinions inside in order to do
and be as they 'should'. And then comes Letitia
Baldridge, the mistress of manners, with a book on etiquette.. for children, no less: Is this a misguided
attempt to create Stepford children? Overly compliant,
mini adults?
“Oh, you're brilliant. What a success. It must have been
hard for you to get all the resources you needed. That
tight timeline – it's miraculous that anyone could get
through the work so quickly. You must be exhausted.
You need a holiday; take the week off.”
No, in fact. Her More than Manners! Raising Today's Kids
to Have Kind Manners & Good Hearts is a realistic book,
offering practical advice on how to raise empathic, kind
children who know how to adapt to situations and treat
others well. Letitia Baldridge uses her own political,
business and parenting experience to offer families some
sensible tips around a range of topics, including:
Positive Lessons. It is much easier to tell children what
they or others are doing wrong. '”Stop it.” “That little
boy shouldn't be doing that.” Parents will have more
success, Baldridge says, if they emphasize the good
deeds of their children and others.
Hello, Goodbye. Put down your game, offer your hand, look
them in the eyes. Much can be gained, says Baldridge, if
children learn to enter and exit with consideration and
grace. These most basic of manners set the tone and can
encourage an environment of mutual respect.
Bad Mouthing. React quickly to damaging gossip or cutting criticism. Watch what you say. Let children know
how cruel words hurt both them and others. Describe
how the short-term benefits of spreading gossip – attention, humour – are squashed by the long-term disadvantages – being seen as someone who cannot be trusted.
The Rude Friend. What if your child's guest is causing
trouble? Don't try to discipline other people's children,
says Baldridge, even if you have been given permission. Let them know your house rules when they
arrive. Explain why certain actions cannot be tolerated.
Don't write off those guests of your children who might
have misbehaved in the past. Expect that they will
behave better next time.
Giving Gifts. Teach older children how to research the
gift that a friend might like. Don't overspend just to
match lavish others. Emphasize the thought behind a
gift and the real basis for genuine friendships.
Thank-you Letters. Encourage even small children to put
their stamp, or scribble, on thank-you notes. Explain
why it should be done and how it makes the recipient
feel. Create a special writing corner, Baldridge suggests,
with furniture, 'cool' stationary and treats that appeal to
your child. Remove all distractions. Allow the child to
put the letter in the mail themselves.
The perfectly empathic boss. Someone who knows,
understands and appreciates all that you do. Someone
who anticipates your work frustrations and pushes to
get you the resources you need. This wonderfully
empathic boss is, for some, an almost reality. For others, well, empathy is not the first word that comes to
mind. How to work with a boss who does not seem or
seek to understand your work concerns?
1. Take a walk in his or her shoes. Who is empathizing
with your boss? What sort of workload or pressures
does he or she face? Think about what you can do to
help a boss who might be in a tough spot. Try to imagine what your position must look like from his or her
perspective.
2. Offer information. Make it easy for your boss to get
to know your world. Offer a brief, ongoing, written
summary of your goals, tasks, work plans, and accomplishments. Devote a brief section to barriers you have
encountered, problems you anticipate. Devote another
small section to your innovative suggestions for the
future.
3. Think big. Don't come to your boss with all of your
smallest concerns. You can start to lose impact and
credibility. Seek extra support for the bigger issues.
4. Think wide. Think about how what you experience
affects and is affected by other parts of the organization. Use this systemic perspective both to analyze
your problems and to present them to your boss. What
group goals are you trying to achieve and how are you
being thwarted?
5. Say Thanks. Balance negative with positive feed back. Don't take positive interventions for granted.
Take the time to thank your boss for what he or she
might have done for you. Share credit with your boss
when deserved and appropriate.
Writing: Elizabeth Muehlchen, Ph.D., R.Psych. Design: Cathy M. Tan
Wilson Banwell
B.C./Yukon: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1-800-663-1142
Alta./Sask./Man./N.W.T. . . . . . . . . . .1-800-563-1642
Ontario/Quebec . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1-800-668-4125
Atlantic Provinces . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1-800-565-9480
United States . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1-800-663-1142
Sydney, Australia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1-800-626-889
Web Site: www.wilsonbanwell.com
E-mail: [email protected]