© John Hewer 2014 78 Langham Road London N15 3LX BEAUTY AND THE BEAST A Pantomime by John Hewer PROLOGUE Once long ago, in a castle standing high, Hidden in a forest, with turrets reaching for the sky Lived a young handsome Prince. But despite his wealth and glorious palace He was selfish and spoilt, treating his servants with malice. On a dark, stormy winter’s night, a beggar-­‐woman, frail and old, Approached and knocked bravely on the Prince’s door, shivering from the cold. ‘Have pity kind sir, on a lowly beggar-­‐woman, but as I was passing, I wondered, May I have a glass of water?’ But the Prince lashed out: ‘Away from here!’ he thundered. ‘Oh but sir!’ pleaded the woman, her face covered in warts, ‘Do not let mere looks deceive.’ But the Prince was adamant, looking down with disgust, ‘Take your good wishes and leave!’ But as soon as he’d uttered these words, there was a blinding flash of light Within an instant, her ugliness faded away, revealing a Fairy, shining bright. The Prince tried to make amends, but the good Fairy did proclaim, ‘You have no love in your heart, and so, in this castle you shall remain!’ And as punishment, the Prince was transformed into a Beast by the fairy, His teeth became fangs, his smooth skin prickly and hairy. ‘And you will remain so cursed,’ she cried, ‘for the only way to lift this spell, Is for you to learn to love another, and to have that love returned as well.’ As the years passed, the Prince fell into despair, Isolated in his castle, with no hope and no care. His rooms he trashed, the mirrors he smashed, his anger and depression never ceased. For he truly believed there couldn’t possibly be anyone who’d fall in love with a Beast. (The tabs close. After a slight pause, there is some distinctive fumbling behind the cloth, and then FAIRY WAYWARD makes her appearance through the centre.) WAYWARD: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I’m Fairy Wayward, stirring up magic, mischief and mirth in our little French town of Lymbeau. But don’t let my name deceive you; I’m actually the cleverest, most professional fairy of them all. (A pyro suddenly goes off DSR and Wayward jumps out of her skin.) WAYWARD: Well the director did say: “start the show with a bang…” BELLE: (o/s) Bookseller? WAYWARD: Ooh, it’s our heroine, Miss Belle Pettle. Oh she’s lovely. But I can’t hang about. Fairies are seldom seen so I’m a master of disguise… Or an apprentice of disguise, at least. BELLE: (o/s) Bookseller? WAYWARD: That’s one of my disguises – the bookseller. Lets get this show started! Lights! (SFX: Clunk of a spotlight working as the stage is swamped in bright light.) 2 WAYWARD: Curtain! (The tabs open on a busying French market town of L’ym Beaux.) WAYWARD: Bookseller!... Oh yes, that’s me. Aren’t I silly! See you soon, boys and girls! (Fairy puts on a pair of glasses and exits. Enter BELLE, with CONCORDE, her playful horse.) BELLE: Good morning everyone. Morning boys and girls! VILLAGER 1: Miss Pettle, looking for new books already? BELLE: Afraid so. I’ve read every single book in L’ym Beaux. I mean I love this town but -­‐ (Re-­‐enter Wayward, in disguise as the Bookseller.) WAYWARD: Hold it right there! (Underscore) Books are more than just reading, Belle. Think of the powers of your imagination, the wonders of magic, and the love for each other here. SONG: THE THINGS YOU CAN THINK – WAYWARD & ENSEMBLE (DANCERS) BELLE: You’re right of course. There’s a lot to be thankful for, with this wonderful town, and my wonderful friends, not to mention my best friend Concorde… VILLAGER 2: Miss Pettle, why is your horse called Concorde? (Concorde runs around quickly.) VILLAGER 3: Is it because he runs really fast? BELLE: Well… (Concorde does some ridiculous poses, leg-­‐stretches etc…) VILLAGER 4: Or maybe, because he’s the strongest? BELLE: Erm…. (Concorde runs to the top of the rostrum and looks either side into the horizon.) VILLAGER 5: Or is it because he’s travelled for miles upon miles? (Concorde pants against the proscenium arch with one hoof, holding his heart with the other.) BELLE: No, it’s because he retired in 2003. He’s my best friend. Are you thirsty, Concorde? (Concorde nods. A villager comes forward and presents a bucket of water. Concorde looks out to the audience, and walks straight into the pub, waving to the audience as he exits.) 3 WAYWARD: Now look Belle, stop your sighing. What is it? I’m sure you can tell me. SONG: WHEN WILL MY LIFE BEGIN – BELLE WAYWARD: I understand dear. But life can’t be dull, living with Dr. Pettle. Where is he? BELLE: Dad? Oh, he’s in the lab. WAYWARD: Probably something he’s eaten… I warned him, I said, that mackerel -­‐ BELLE: No, in the lab. He’s perfecting his latest invention in the laboratory. WAYWARD: Oh? What is it? BELLE: It’s a big room full of test-­‐tubes and people in white coats – WAYWARD: No, no – I mean, what is it he’s creating dear? ERNEST: (o/s) I’ve done it! I’ve done it! (SFX: Massive bang, a flash from behind a window, and the curtains billow out.) ERNEST: (o/s) I haven’t done it! I haven’t done it! (Enter DR. ERNEST PETTLE, coughing and spluttering, clenching two fluorescent test-­‐tubes.) BELLE: Oh Dad! Don’t tell me you’re still inventing a potion to build muscle and strength? ERNEST: All right. WAYWARD: …Well, what are you inventing? ERNEST: I’ll tell her – I’m inventing a potion to build muscle and strength. WAYWARD: Does it work? ERNEST: Does it work?! Remember that scrawny, barrow boy, all small and meek-­‐looking? WAYWARD: Yes… ERNEST: And, you’ve seen that strapping, six-­‐foot-­‐four, bronzed weightlifter? WAYWARD: Yes… ERNEST: Well, they’ve both tried some, and it made no difference! (to a test-­‐tube) You’re a rubbish, good-­‐for-­‐nothing, load of all – BELLE: Father, please! 4 ERNEST: Well I’m just trying to get a reaction. BELLE: Where’s Barclay, your assistant? He’ll have some ideas. Children, have you seen my friend Barclay Burke? Would you call him for me? After three… one, two, three…. Barclay!?! SONG – HEY THERE! BARCLAY BURKE! – ENSEMBLE (Barclay enters SRJ and swiftly exits, without apparently noticing anyone, into SLJ. He re-­‐
enters, working through the audience, looking at their faces, trying to decipher who they are.) BARCLAY: Hello everyone! I’m Barclay Burke, and I’m Dr. Pettle’s assistant. And it’s a lot more than rinsing out test tubes and polishing his Bunsen burner. Do you know, he took a lady’s appendix out last night? I heard they both had a nice time. I love it there, as I get to spend a lot of time with Belle. She’s beautiful. (deadpan) And she’s obviously crazy about me…. That’s why I’m not wearing my glasses. Because if I put them on (he puts them on) I look a bit silly don’t I? And I think she’d like me more without them, see. (He takes them off.) BELLE: Barclay, what are you doing over there? BARCLAY: Oh, excuse me. Yes Belle? (He walks into the proscenium arch and falls over.) BELLE: Barclay, over here! BARCLAY: Oh sorry. (To Ernest) How are you Belle? You’re looking lovelier than ever. ERNEST: I am not Belle!... But I am looking lovelier than ever. BELLE: Barclay Burke! You’re not wearing your glasses. BARCLAY: No, I’m not, and I can see perfectly. BELLE: All right. I’ll test you. How many test tubes does my father have? BARCLAY: Er… let’s see. Erm… er… Can you help me out kids? (Etc.) 78. BELLE: 78?! My father does not have 78 test tubes! BARCLAY: Yes he does. He’s got one there… BELLE: Yes. BARCLAY: And another one there… BELLE: Yes. BARCLAY: And another 76 inside the lab. 5 BELLE: Barclay, you know you need your glasses. Stop playing games and put them on! BARCLAY: Ok, Miss Pettle. (He puts them on. He looks like the archetypal geek.) BELLE: There. Now Barclay, Dad’s still trying to make this potion but he can’t find the missing ingredient. BARCLAY: I know what it is! BELLE: What is it? BARCLAY: Missing! ERNEST: If only I could get a little extra money so I could keep my research going. BELLE: Perhaps I could sell some of my books? ERNEST: I won’t hear of it, Belle. You love your reading. But this project needs strong financial support and... Well, it looks like I’ll have to give up, after all my hard work. (All freeze-­‐frame, except Wayward.) WAYWARD: We can’t have that can we boys and girls! Shall I help Dr. Pettle? Some magic perhaps? Yes why not, it is a Monday after all and I’m paid by the trick. (Produces her wand) Alakazam, alakazee, alacarte and alacream, help Dr. Pettle finish his deeds, by giving him the money he desperately needs. (The freeze-­‐frame is broken. Enter CLARENCE CLANGER, with his Town Crier bell.) CLARENCE: Hear ye! Hear ye! ‘Tis I, the noble Town Crier from Dingley Dell come back for a flashy guest appearance! I bring exciting news! There is to be a Science fair at Dingley Dell this very afternoon! See three-­‐headed policeman going ‘hello, hello, hello’, the square wheel -­‐ you’ll never roll backwards, and yes, you’ve heard about it on the news, read about it in the papers, witness a man get a phone signal in North Thoresby! BELLE: You hear that Dad? A Science Fair! You can take your potion and get some funding! CLARENCE: The Science Fair – in Dingley Dell this afternoon, only. BARCLAY: Town Crier, how far away is Dingley Dell? CLARENCE: Please, let me finish! In Dingley Dell this afternoon, only 55 miles over there. (He points flamboyantly off stage. Huge sigh from the ensemble. Clarence exits.) BELLE: Never mind, Dad. Concorde will take you! 6 ERNEST: Of course! Concorde! Where is he? BELLE: He’s having a well-­‐earned drink. ERNEST: As long as he’s not horsing around. BELLE: Will you shout “Concorde” with me boys and girls? Ready? After three… one, two, three… CONCORDE! (Enter BEATRICE PETTLE, with her gang of unruly girlfriends.) BARCLAY: Well how about that – four horses for the price of one! BEATRICE: Pipe down, lab rat! BARCLAY: This is Beatrice, Belle’s stepsister. A nasty piece of work! BEATRICE: (grabs Barclay by the face) I am not a nasty piece of work! (Barclay nods, but Beatrice turns it into a headshake. Concorde enters at some point.) BEATRICE: Say it! Say, I am not a nasty piece of work! BARCLAY: (Ineligible) I am not a nasty piece of work! BEATRICE: (Letting go) Now. Say it properly. BARCLAY: I am not a nasty piece of work. BEATRICE: No, I am not a nasty piece of work. BARCLAY: No, I am not a nasty piece of work! BEATRICE: No, I am not a nasty piece of work! BARCLAY: No, I am not a – (to audience) Have you got a spare half hour? BEATRICE: Shut up! Daddy! Cut that man’s wages! ERNEST: Cut Barclay’s wages? Ooh, I can’t! BEATRICE: Why not?! ERNEST: I don’t pay him any wages! BEATRICE: Urgh! You mean he spends all that time in that smelly old laboratory in that smelly old coat for nothing?! In fact, look at everyone! Urgh! Like the January sales in BHS! ERNEST: Daughter, apologize at once! (to all) I’m so sorry; she’s not normally this horrible. BELLE: Oh yes she is. BEATRICE: Oh no, I’m not. 7 BELLE: (and audience) Oh yes you are! BEATRICE: Oh no, I’m not! BELLE (ENSEMBLE): Oh yes you are! BEATRICE: All right, so you’ve caught me out; I am normally this horrible. But that’s only because I’m stuck here in this stingy, miserable, lifeless place. I want partying… BELLE: I want adventure. BEATRICE: It’s the same thing. BELLE: Well, not rea-­‐ BEATRICE: I want to rob a bank and spend it on clothes. BELLE: I don’t want to rob a bank, but if I did, I would spend it on helping others. BEATRICE: I want to steal a car, joyride down the A16 and play heavy metal really loudly. BELLE: I want to pass my test, buy a car and travel the world. BEATRICE: …Playing heavy metal really loudly! BELLE: Classical / BEATRICE: Heavy metal BELLE: Jazz / BEATRICE: Heavy metal BELLE: Country and Western BEATRICE: Heavy and Metal ERNEST: Girls, please! Concorde, time to go! BEATRICE: Oh blimey, you’re not taking that knackered old thing out are you? WAYWARD: Now, now, that’s no way to talk to the horse about your father!... Oh wait, I’m getting all muddled again… BARCLAY: Just a moment Dr. Pettle. A breathalyzer, for Concorde. ERNEST: For Concorde? Preposterous! Whoever heard of a horse being breathalyzed! BARCLAY: Just to be on the safe side. Concorde, would you mind blowing into this? (Concorde blows into the bag and the bag floats away.) BARCLAY: Sorry Dr. Pettle. Looks like you’ll be walking. BEATRICE: Haha! What did I tell you? Lousy, good for nothing horse! 8 (She kicks Concorde. Her cronies jeer.) BELLE: How dare you Beatrice! I’ve a good mind to -­‐! BEATRICE: Oh yeah! Bring it! Bring it! (They go to fight but Wayward splits them up.) WAYWARD: That’s enough of that, thank you. Now Dr. Pettle, be careful through the forest. BELLE: The forest?! ERNEST: Don’t worry Belle. I’ll be fine. Come along Concorde. To Dingley Dell. BEATRICE: Wait! Dingley Dell! Daddy, you’re going to Dingley Dell and you didn’t tell me! ERNEST: Well I, sort of, didn’t think you’d mind... BEATRICE: Well I do mind! All that way, on your own! ERNEST: Sweet Beatrice, I knew, deep down, you were a nice, caring, indivi – BEATRICE: That means you’ve tons of space to bring back lots of presents for my birthday tomorrow! (to the audience) And I hope you all have presents otherwise you can’t come to my party! I want outfits from Prada, jewellery from H. Samuel and make-­‐up by L’Oreal. BARCLAY: You don’t need make up by L’Oreal. BEATRICE: You think so? BARCLAY: No -­‐ you’re not worth it! (She stamps on his foot.) BEATRICE: Oh please Daddy pleeease! I’ll promise to do the housework while you’re away! ERNEST: The housework? Very well Beatrice, if you promise to do the housework while I’m away, I’ll bring back lots of clothes and jewellery for your birthday. BEATRICE: I promise… Mwa ha ha! As if he fell for that! Get in! ERNEST: Belle? What would you like me to bring back? BELLE: Nothing, Dad. Just yourself, please. (Concorde neighs.) BELLE: And you, Concorde, of course. 9 ERNEST: Belle, if I’m bringing Beatrice something, I must bring you something too. BELLE: No Dad, we haven’t any money as it is. ERNEST: Belle… BELLE: Ok. A rose. ERNEST: A rose-­‐coloured what? BELLE: No, Dad. A rose. As in the flower. I hear they’re lovely down in Dingley Dell, and we can’t really grow them here. I’ve seen pictures of them, in my book. Look. ERNEST: Oh I see. Well, I’m sure I can find a rose on my travels. Goodbye dearest. (She kisses him.) ERNEST: Goodbye Beatrice. BEATRICE: Yeah, whatever…. ERNEST: Concorde -­‐ take off. (They exit. Belle pensively watches him leave. Wayward comforts her. Beatrice doesn’t notice.) SCENE 2 – THE FOREST (The stage is in darkness, as Ernest enters with Concorde, carrying a lantern.) NARRATOR: So Ernest set off but not far out of town, The streetlights became a memory, and a dark fog came down. But the doctor was keen to reach the fair, and so, rather than stop for a tea and biscuit, He threw on another scarf, gave Concorde a carrot, and boldly decided to risk it. ERNEST: Oh, this map is useless! (He throws the map on the floor. A deer scampers across the stage.) ERNEST: Oh dear. (Two deer scamper across the stage.) ERNEST: Oh dear, oh dear. (Three deer scamper across the stage.) ERNEST: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. 10 (Wayward appears SL.) WAYWARD: Looks like Dr. Pettle needs a bit of help through the forest. I know! Girls! SONG: DANCE OF THE FOREST (During the dance, a signpost is brought on. On it are two points – Castle & Dingley Dell pointing in opposite directions. Meanwhile Wayward has changed into a guide.) WAYWARD: What do you think of this? Not bad eh. £9.99 Yorkshire Trading Post. All right, gather round, everyone. You too, sir. Your friendly tour-­‐guide is here. ERNEST: Tour guide? How curious – you look exactly like our bookseller, Mrs. Wayward. WAYWARD: Er – yes, my cousin sir. Now how can I help you? ERNEST: We’re looking for Dingley Dell but I’m afraid we’re rather lost. WAYWARD: Well this signpost will help. Now, that’s the way to the castle, but he doesn’t want to go there, does he boys and girls?... Ah! Look! Dingley Dell! That’s the place for you! (A deer scurries across the stage, knocking into Wayward who inadvertently spins the signpost round, so the places point in different directions than before. Concorde laughs.) ERNEST: Concorde! Stop laughing! You’re not too old to have your fetlocks trimmed! WAYWARD: Oh my! Where was I? Oh yes! Dingley Dell! Er… that’s over in this direction. ERNEST: I’m sorry Tour Guide, but the sign suggests otherwise. Look. WAYWARD: What? Oh yes. How bizarre. I could’ve sworn it pointed in that direction. ERNEST: Oh well. Thank you for your help Tour Guide. Come on Concorde. This way. (They exit.) WAYWARD: Hmm. That’s curious. Are they heading the right way boys and girls? … They’re not?!... Then where are they going?!... The castle! Oh no! But they’ll surely meet the Bea…. Oh no! I’m a terrible Fairy! Wait! Stop! Come back! SCENE THREE – THE CASTLE (A castle scene. Lightning, storm effects. Enter SUE PREEM, mincing her way downstage. She smiles. She opens her mouth to speak when…. THUNDERCRACK… She tries again… THUNDERCRACK…. She tries again… THUNDERCRACK.) SUE: Entwistle! Turn that racket off! (SFX: Record taken off.) Can hardly hear myself think! 11 (Enter ENTWISTLE, carrying a record player.) ENTWISTLE: I’m terribly sorry, Miss. Preem. You know how I love my Novelty Sound Effects record. Good Heavens. Who are these people?! SUE: Guests. ENTWISTLE: I couldn’t possibly guess – there are too many. SUE: No, dear – guests! Hello boys and girls! Welcome to Castle Royale. I’m Susan Preem. Sue Preem, yes. Come on, took the writer three hours to come up with that gem. No, you’re right sir, it doesn’t bode well. But never mind, my name’s Sue and I’m the chef. In fact, I’m better – I’m the soux chef! Ha ha! (She looks to Entwistle, who remains terribly stone-­‐faced.) Oh Gawd helpus. And this miserable-­‐looking toad is the butler, Entwistle. ENTWISTLE: Delighted to meet your acquaintance. (He bows, and as he does so, Sue pinches his bottom. SFX: Car horn. Entwistle reacts.) ENTWISTLE: Miss Preem! How dare you pinch my bottom in front of our guests?! SUE: Darling, I can hardly pinch anything else in front of them could I? Oh go and play with your records. Bless him. He hasn’t been the same since he caught his (woffle-­‐woffle) in the toaster at Christmas. We had a great time. We took a (airplane) to the Seychelles. ENTWISTLE: Seychelles? SUE: I just said Chelles! We went to the beach for a quick (splash), we visited the (elephant) and the (roar!), and then we went for a (boing!) The next morning, I woke up very (yawn), but we went all the way (swannee whistle) to the top of the hills, where I was (gunshot) in the mountain range. Not a pleasant experience madam, I’m sure you’ll agree. I was taken by (siren) to the hospital, and was given a quick, sharp (aa-­‐oogah), which did me the world of good. Do that one again, Entwistle, this chap down the front enjoyed it. (aa-­‐oogah). That one’s for you mate. But we’re not married, as you can see, I have no (ring). But I have a funny feeling one of these days he’s going to get down on one knee and (fart.) Entwistle! That’s quite enough of that record, come and say hello. ENTWISTLE: Very well. But they really shouldn’t be here. If the Beast found out – SUE: Shh! How many more times! You’re not to call him the Beast! Now, Entwistle, about my food allowance. I’m afraid I need a few extra pounds. ENTWISTLE: A few extra pounds?! But I gave you £20 to last the week. SUE: Oh come on Enty, just another fiver. I’ll make it up to you… ENTWISTLE: That’s what I’m afraid of. 12 SUE: I’ll have you know I have nothing but good intentions. Ask that chap; he saw them down The Woolpack on New Year’s Eve. Look, you only gave me a twenty-­‐pound note… ENTWISTLE: Enough! SUE: No it wasn’t! Have you seen the price of milk today? I have to buy it condensed! ENTWISTLE: All you care about is money! SUE: Never! The one thing I care about is love. Love for the world. Love for each other! In fact, I’ll prove it. Boys and girls, mums and dads. I want you to turn to the person on your left or right, or whoever dragged you here I MEAN brought you here, you can join in Entwistle, and repeat after me: Hello (…) Thank you for being here (…) It’s nice to be with you (…) And I just wanted to say (…) That I really really (…) Really really really (…) Really really really really (…) Love you lots (…) Can I borrow a fiver? ENTWISTLE: Yes of cour -­‐ Oh no you don’t! I see what you were trying to do just then! Well here’s your fiver, see? And you’re not getting it! SUE: I’m sorry. You’re right. That was despicable of me, you’re right. Let’s try it again. Boys and girls? Mums and dads? Cooks and butlers? Here we go. Hello again (…) Thank you for being here (…) It’s nice to be with you (…) And I just wanted to say (…) That I really really (…) Really really really (…) Really really really really (…) Love you lots (…) Here’s a fiver. (Entwistle gives her the money. She exits with Entwistle giving chase. A knock at the door.) ERNEST: (o/s) Hello?... Hello? (GILETTE and BRIGETTE pop their heads around the opposite Juliettes.) GILETTE: Psst! Brigette! Brigette! BRIGETTE: Yes, Gilette? GILETTE: Brigette. I can hear an old man banging. BRIGETTE: Ooh! La-­‐la! It ‘as been zo long! We ‘ave not ‘ad any visitairs ‘ere since 1805. GILETTE: 1805?! That’s just gone six o’clock is it not? BRIGETTE: Oh Gilette, you really are silly sometimez. GILETTE: I know. But like you zay, if I keep it up I will get better and be like you. BRIGETTE: Correct. GILETTE: And be silly all ze time! ERNEST: (o/s) Hello? Please?! Is somebody there? 13 BRIGETTE: Sacrebleu, Gilette. Get your ‘and off that knob. You know what ze mastair zays. No visitairs under pain of death. GILETTE: I know – but I don’t feel any pain at all! BRIGETTE: Wait – I will have a peep through ze hole. Goodness gracious! GILETTE: Who is it? BRIGETTE: He is like no man I’ve ever seen. He is covered in brown hair, has big round eyes… and four legs. ERNEST: (o/s)… That’s my horse. GILETTE: Why should we believe you? ERNEST: (o/s) Oh please let me in; I’m very far from home. I’ve been wandering for many miles, with my trusty steed, and am lost in the woods. I stumbled upon your castle, and I simply seek a warm fireplace for just a few mome – CONCORDE! Put down that violin! GILETTE: We shall let them in. BRIGETTE: Non, we shall not. GILETTE: Oui! BRIGETTE: Non! GILETTE: Oui! (They continue to open and close the door as Ernest and Concorde enter through a side door and make themselves comfy. Ernest hangs up his coat. Concorde pours himself a brandy.) BRIGETTE: Oh go ahead! Open ze door! See if I care! GILETTE: (Opening the door) ‘Allo? Is zere anybody there? (to Brigette) He has legged it. BRIGETTE: Well go out and have a look for him. (Gilette exits.) ERNEST: I say, it’s rather drafty in here. Would you mind closing that door? BRIGETTE: But of course. (Gasps) Zootalore! How did you get in? Out! Out this minute! ERNEST: I say, look Concorde! Roses! Don’t they look divine! BRIGETTE: You must not touch zem! Zay belong to ze Mastair! (SFX: ROAR) ERNEST: (Playfully) Concorde… your tummy is rumbling again. 14 (Concorde shakes his head. SFX: Lightning. For a split second, the shadow of Prince is at the top of the stairs. Concorde is the only one to spot him. He stands up, knees trembling. SFX: Roar.) ERNEST: I say Concorde, your ‘neigh’ isn’t sounding too good. Do you a sore throat? BRIGETTE: A sore throat? ERNEST: Yes, he was feeling a little hoarse earlier. Poor chap. Open wide. Come on Concorde, open wide. We were given him as a gift you see… BRIGETTE: Monsieur, what are you doing? ERNEST: I’m looking at a gift horse in the mouth. BRIGETTE: Never; don’t you ever do zat! PRINCE: What is the meaning of this intrusion! Who dares to trespass here? ERNEST: D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐Dr. Ernest P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐Pettle. PRINCE: Maid! Leave us! BRIGETTE: Yes Mastair. Nice to meet you, D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐D-­‐Dr Ernest P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐P-­‐Pettle. PRINCE: Get out!! (Brigette opens the door and bangs into Gilette.) GILETTE: Zere is nobody out zere! PRINCE: What is this man doing in my castle?! GILETTE: Oh Mastair! Zere is no man. I have just been outside, and I looked to ze right, I looked to ze left, I looked up, I looked down, and I promise you, hand on my ‘eart, there is nobody in zis castle! (to Brigette; after a long stare at Ernest) Who is this? BRIGETTE: You let him in! GILETTE: Me? I did not such thing! I was out zere! PRINCE: Quiet! Get out of my sight, numbskulls! BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Yes, come on, don’t hang it out, out you go, come on! PRINCE: Not these numbskulls! You numbskulls! BRIGETTE: Oh! Mastair! You are mistaken! GILETTE: Yes – our skulls are not numb. Look! 15 (She strikes herself and begins to cry.) PRINCE: Get out!! (Brigette and Gilette exit. Lightning flash and the lights are cut.) ERNEST: Look, I can tell this isn’t perhaps the best time, so, we’ll be on our way. (Lightning and the lights are brought up. But the Prince’s silhouette is nowhere to be seen.) ERNEST: Concorde look! He’s vanished. Come, we won’t stay here a moment longer – (FX: Lightning. Prince towers over them. (Behind you routine.) Ernest hides behind Concorde, then Concorde behind Ernest.) [PRINCE: Nobody leaves this castle! For trespassing, you shall both be held as my prisoners. (Enter a number of guards, who seize Ernest and Concorde.) ERNEST: Prisoners?! No, wait! I can explain! I took this rose merely as gift for my daughter! It’s the only thing she wanted from my long and weary travels! PRINCE: Rubbish! Take them to the dungeons! ERNEST: But sir, you must believe me! She’s a wonderful child. Ever so caring. And loving. PRINCE: And what of beauty and riches?! ERNEST: She is beautiful sir, and very rich indeed, rich with intellect and love! PRINCE: And… this rose…. A simple rose… This is all that she asked for? ERNEST: Nothing more, sir. PRINCE: …Then… then she will have it. Take this to her. Tonight. ERNEST: Sir! Oh thank you so mu -­‐ PRINCE: But you must return; before the morning, and remain as my prisoner. ERNEST: But, but -­‐ ! PRINCE: That’s my final word! Take the rose to your daughter. But you will spend the rest of your days in my dungeon as penalty for trespassing on my grounds. You have twelve hours. (He exits. Tabs close.) 16 SCENE 4: CASTLE (in front of tabs) (Enter SUE, crying her eyes out.) SUE: Oh it’s not fair is it boys and girls? The Prince is so wicked! He’s like a cross between Lord Voldemort and Cruella de Ville isn’t he? (Enter Entwistle, ushering on two guards carrying grandfather clocks.) ENTWISTLE: That’s right, Henri. Easy, Pierre. Ah, Miss Preem! Look what I’ve found! I’ve been clearing out the dungeon for Dr. Pettle and I found these two, very old antiques! SUE: I don’t know. The chap on the right has a certain winning smile. ENTWISTLE: I was referring to the grandfather clocks, Miss Preem. SUE: Oh I haven’t got the time to look at those. Time/clocks, get it? Well, what did you expect covering a quick scene change – plot development? (to Entwistle) Just a minute! (to audience) A subtle one there. What’s that on your collar? Lipstick! And it’s still warm! ENTWISTLE: What?! Oh no, you’re mistaken Miss Preem. Merely tomato sauce. SUE: Have you been with those two maids again, Entwistle? ENTWISTLE: Certainly not! I told you; I’ve been in the dungeon. I get so dirty down there. SUE: Not with me, you don't. Well, don’t let me ever catch you with those maids again! They’re nothing but trouble – lazy, rude, discourteous, and they’ll lead a fine upstanding gentleman like you astray. And I should be so lucky! Do I make myself clear? (During Sue’s dialogue, Brigette and Gilette enter and start smothering Entwistle. He quickly ushers them inside a clock each. NB: One clock, Clock 1, has a false back. It contains Gilette.) ENTWISTLE: Absolutely. And I promise you, they are nowhere near here at all! (Gilette sneezes.) SUE: Entwistle… That clock just sneezed. ENTWISTLE: Did it? Well it was very dusty down there. (Sue throws open the door on the clock to reveal Gillette.) GILETTE: Bonjour! SUE: I thought as much! Entwistle! What is this maid doing inside that clock? ENTWISTLE: Erm… well the clock actually belongs to Gilette. She got it cheap. 17 SUE: You did? GILETTE: Yes – second hand! (Sue slams the door on her.) SUE: And where’s the other one? Brigette -­‐ the one who comes across! In here no doubt! (She goes to open the 2nd clock but Entwistle blocks her and leads her downstage. Behind their backs, Brigette exits the 2nd clock and gets into the 1st with Gilette.) ENTWISTLE: Er, Miss Preem, perhaps you should plan next week’s menu? Remember, we’ll have an extra mouth to feed. SUE: Not necessarily. Who says you’re getting any? (She storms back to the 2nd clock.) I’ll give you cleaning out the dungeon! (She throws open the door -­‐ and no one is there.) ENTWISTLE: There! What did I tell you! SUE: Rubbish! Anyway, there’s still one girl in here! (She opens the 1st clock, and sees they are gone.) What! Where’s she gone? ENTWISTLE: Who dear? SUE: Who?! Gilette of course! The best a man can get it! (The guards pick up a clock each and carry it off, exposing Gilette and Brigette hiding behind.) ENTWISTLE: I haven’t the faintest idea. If you ask me, it’s all been your imagination. SUE: What? Well, I suppose I have been working rather hard recently. (She turns around and spots the girls.) Tomato sauce, you say?... I’ll give you tomato sauce! (From her pocket, she gets a bottle of sauce and fires it into Entwistle’s face. She storms off and he runs after her, and the girls run after him.) SCENE FIVE – DR. PETTLE’S HOUSE (Belle stands looking outside, while Beatrice and her group chat in the background.) BELLE: It’s nearly midnight. He should be back by now! BEATRICE: Oh stop your whingeing, sour-­‐breath! You’ll have wrinkles before you’re thirty. BELLE: Aren’t you the slightest bit worried that Dad isn’t back yet? BEATRICE: Of course I am! I can’t get my prezzies if he doesn’t come back can I! 18 BELLE: Beatrice, look at this place! You promised father you’d do the housework. BEATRICE: Ah yes, I was going to do it but then I thought I’d just bully you to do it instead! (She thrusts a brush and mop into Belle’s hands and pushes her away.) BELLE: You can’t make me do the housework, Beatrice! BEATRICE: I think you’ll find I can. You see, I’m the head girl around here, right girls? GIRLS: Yeah! Ad lib. BEATRICE: And what I say goes, right girls? GIRLS: Yeah! Ad lib. BEATRICE: ‘Cos you see Belle, the difference between you and me, is brains and beauty. I’ve got both; and you’re just a waste of space! SONG – “DEVIL IN DISGUISE” – Beatrice & Chorus (Enter Ernest and Concorde. The girls run over to them.) BELLE: Dad! You’re safe! (Concorde neighs.) BELLE: And you, Concorde! BEATRICE: Dad, what time do you call this! My girls are kicking off; they were beginning to say you weren’t bringing any riches back for me. GIRL 1: Well, where is it all then? GIRLS: Yeah. Ad lib. BEATRICE: Shut up! Dad! Riches! Now! ERNEST: Well… BEATRICE: Is it outside?... That’s it! There’s too much to get through the door! C’mon girls! (They run out in excitement.) BELLE: Never mind Beatrice Dad. She’s an ungrateful, spiteful, vicious… ERNEST: Now, now, Belle. BELLE: I’m sorry – 19 ERNEST: You missed out ‘wicked, conniving and grumpy!’ (They both laugh as Ernest sits down in the armchair.) BELLE: How was the Science Fair, Dad? ERNEST: The what? Oh the Science Fair. Er, not up to much, really. Oh, I found this rose for you on the way though. BELLE: It’s beautiful! Thanks Dad. (She kisses him. Enter Beatrice, fuming. Her friends stand in the doorway, giggling.) BEATRICE: Oh I see she gets what she wants! Always the same! Put Belle before me! ERNEST: Now you know that’s not true, Beatri – BEATRICE: Daddy, I want the hugest pile of riches tomorrow, or I’m leaving! ERNEST: Is that a promise? (The girls laugh.) BEATRICE: Shut up! I hope you’re happy, Daddy. I’ll be the laughing stock of the town! (She storms off and the girls exit. Ernest stands.) ERNEST: Forgive me Belle, but I’m so tired and I have an early start tomorrow. BELLE: Straight back to work on the Mucho-­‐Macho-­‐Muscle-­‐Maker eh? ERNEST: What? Oh yes. Yes. Goodbye dear. (He kisses her and goes to exit, but hesitates slightly.) Belle? I’d like you always to know, that I’m really very proud of you. (He exits. Belle is left stunned. Concorde starts elaborately tiptoeing towards the door.) BELLE: Hmm, something’s not right… Concorde… Stay right where you are. (Concorde stands still. Belle goes over to him.) BELLE: Now Concorde… Concorde look at me. I know something’s happened, so what is it? (Concorde looks away, ashamed.) BELLE: Concorde, don’t take me for a ride… Is Dad in trouble? (Concorde nods.) BELLE: Oh no! What happened? 20 (Concorde marches about.) BELLE: You set off… (Concorde points to the door.) BELLE: Out the door. (Concorde shakes his head.) BELLE: Not out the door. (Concorde, points to the fireplace.) BELLE: Into a fire?! (Concorde shakes his head, and picks up a log from the fireplace.) BELLE: Burn? Wood? Wood! Into the woods! Ok… (Concorde holds his hand to his forehead, looks about, and shrugs.) BELLE: You got lost in the woods! (Concorde nods. He walks around aimlessly. Then suddenly stops.) BELLE: Then all of a sudden… (Concorde runs to the door and points at it.) BELLE: You found more woods! (Concorde puts his head in his hands and shakes his head.) BELLE: Oh, you found a door! (Concorde puts his thumbs up. He opens the door.) BELLE: You opened the door and went inside. (Concorde nods. He symbolizes a big circle with his front feet.) BELLE: It was very big inside. (Concorde nods. He opens the door and points outside.) BELLE: Outside… (Concorde goes to the light switch and flicks it on and off a couple of times.) 21 BELLE: The electrics didn’t work. (Concorde shakes his head. Does it again.) BELLE: There was an all-­‐night rave going on? (Concorde is getting exasperated. He puts on a coat, and opens and closes it quickly.) BELLE: A quick flash! (He points to the light switch.) BELLE: Lighting… A quick flash of lightning! (Concorde nods. He acts out the Beast; stomps around, shaking his fists, kicking the furniture.) BELLE: You’d had a bit too much to drink?.... No, er… ok…er… a big, angry… (Concorde mimes eating with a knife and fork.) BELLE: Meal... Big meal... A big angry meal?... A big angry… feast? Feast! A big angry Beast! (Concorde, on his knees, moves across the stage, miming that his front hooves are handcuffed.) BELLE: The Beast is holding you both prisoner?! (Concorde nods his head.) BELLE: But that’s monstrous! It must be a mistake. Come on, we’re going to see him. SONG: WHEN WILL MY LIFE BEGIN (REPRISE) – BELLE NARRATOR: So Belle and Concorde set off for the Royal Castle And thanks to Concorde’s memory, they found it with no hassle Intrepidly, with heart racing, Belle eased the door open wide, She bravely walked into the Beast’s quarters, wary of what was inside. SCENE SIX: THE CASTLE (Belle and Concorde enter.) BELLE: Hello? Is anybody here?... Please, I – I’ve come about my father. PRINCE: (o/s) Where is he? BELLE: He’s resting. Please, he can’t return here. He mustn’t! (The Prince’s silhouette appears at the top of the castle stairs.) 22 PRINCE: We had an agreement! He trespassed on the castle! Go back and send him here. BELLE: Never! PRINCE: In that case, you leave me no choice! Guards! (Enter two guards.) PRINCE: Take her down below. She shall remain my prisoner. BELLE: Never! PRINCE: Do as I say! BELLE: Wait! Come into the light. (He descends the stairs.) BELLE: If I stay, will you promise to leave my father alone? PRINCE: By losing his daughter, he has paid the price. BELLE: …Then I’ll stay. PRINCE: Guards! Take her horse to the stables! BELLE: But Concorde -­‐ ! (Prince exits. The guards take Concorde out. Enter Wayward, wearing her usual fairy garb.) WAYWARD: Oh no! The Beast has imprisoned Belle! I must return to Lymbeau and tell Dr. Pettle what has happened! (She exits.) BELLE: So this is it. I’ll spend the rest of my life in this drafty castle at the Beast’s mercy. (She begins to cry. Enter Sue.) SUE: Hello boys and girls! Oh good gracious me! Hello? What are you doing here? BELLE: I’m blubbing. SUE: Oh…. (to audience) Silly blubber! (to Belle; offering a hankie) Now come on girl, dry your eyes. That’s better. What are you doing here? BELLE: I came to seek forgiveness from the Beast and he’s imprisoned me instead. SUE: Oh there, there child. Don’t be upset. It’s not that bad here. We have a lovely garden. 23 BELLE: All I saw was weeds. SUE: Well, under the weeds, we have a lovely garden. Er, there are lots of rooms… BELLE: He’s going to keep me in the dungeon. SUE: Oh, well, we have lots of dungeons… Ones even got running water! BELLE: Running water? SUE: Yes – through the roof. And then there’s my cooking… (Sue bursts out into tears.) BELLE: Oh, please. Don't upset yourself. My name’s Belle. SUE: Miss Preem, but you can call me Sue. Now you mustn’t lose all hope, Belle. The Beast can be quite kind and considerate once you get to know him. BELLE: I don’t want to get to know him. He’s vicious and cruel! SUE: Yes… you’ve got a point there. (to the audience) Oh this won’t do at all! The Prince’s curse won’t be lifted unless he’s prepared to cheer up, dress up and… (SFX: Roar.) SUE: SHUT UP! FED UP WITH YOU ROARING ALL THE TIME! Now, let’s see… Ah yes… (She slips on a headpiece, which has a large protruding question mark attached.) BELLE: What’s that, Sue? SUE: What? Oh nothing, dear. I’ve just put my thinking cap on! I’ve got it! A Royal Ball! Entwistle! Brigette! Gilette! (Enter Entwistle, Brigette and Gilette.) SUE: We’re going to hold a Ball. GILETTE: How strange -­‐ we were saying ze same thing to Entwistle. ENTWISTLE: (producing a rugby ball from behind his back.) Yes, the girls do so love their outdoor fun and games. SUE: Not that kind of ball! A big party! For the Beast and our new guest. BRIGETTE: (Pointing at Belle) Is she taking Dr. Pettle’s place? SUE: Yes. ENTWISTLE: (saucily) Lovely. I MEAN… lovely idea to hold a ball; get them talking. 24 SUE: Precisely. (goes to Belle, begins pouring) Belle, quickly, have some of undiluted squash. BELLE: Undiluted squash? Why? SUE: Because you’re cordially invited to the Royal Ball tonight as the Beast’s guest! BELLE: But I don’t want to go! I don’t want to ever see the Beast again! SUE: Oh, now, now. You never know, you might grow to like him. He’s quite a catch really… BELLE: Ha! I can’t see it myself. SONG: “FIXER-­‐UPPER” – Sue, Entwistle, Brigette & Gilette SCENE SEVEN: DR. PETTLE’S HOUSE (in front of tabs) (SFX: Constant knocking.) BARCLAY: (o/s) All right! I’m coming! (He enters dressed as Wee-­‐Willie-­‐Winkie, carrying a candlestick.) Hello boys and girls! Excuse me I’d better answer the door. All right! All right! (He pops round DSL Juliette and re-­‐appears with Wayward disguised as a policewoman.) WAYWARD: Good evening sir, sorry to trouble you in the middle of the night. BARCLAY: Good grief! A policewoman! WAYWARD: (to audience) Hello boys and girls! Don’t worry; it’s only me – Fairy Wayward. Do you like my new outfit? £21.99. Ann Summers. (Barclay coughs awkwardly.) WAYWARD: Oh–sorry–er–Ann’s Summer… Church Fete. I am Policewoman Roberta. BARCLAY: Roberta? WAYWARD: That’s right – I’m the local Bobbie. BARCLAY: That’s strange – you look exactly like our bookseller. WAYWARD: My cousin, sir. I have terrible news for Dr. Pettle. BARCLAY: Don’t tell me they’ve stopped serving tripe at Lakings? WAYWARD: No! Is he awake? BARCLAY: I don’t know. Hold on. (calls) Dr. Pettle! Dr. Pettle, are you awake?! 25 ERNEST: (o/s) No! WAYWARD: Dr. Pettle! It’s about your daughter, Belle! (Enter Ernest, putting on a dressing gown.) ERNEST: Belle? What about her? BARCLAY: This is Policewoman Roberta. ERNEST: That’s strange – you look exactly like the tour guide in the forest. WAYWARD: My sister, sir. I bring news of Belle. The Beast is holding her prisoner! (Enter Beatrice, wearing a mud-­‐mask and slices of cucumber on her eyes. She looks ghastly.) BEATRICE: What’s all the row about! BARCLAY: Dr. Pettle! I didn’t know we had Vanessa Feltz staying over! ERNEST: Beatrice! It’s terrible news! Belle has gone! BEATRICE: Gone? To get my prezzies you mean? Ha! About time too! It’s my birthday! ERNEST: Beatrice, this is serious! She has been locked away by the Beast! BEATRICE: A Beast? Oh Daddy, don’t make me laugh! And anyway, good riddance! WAYWARD: We must charge upon the castle and rescue her! ERNEST: Oh no my dear, you haven’t seen the Beast. He’s much too strong for us. BARCLAY: Then… then we must perfect the Mucho-­‐Macho-­‐Muscle-­‐Maker. It’s our only hope! Beatrice – fetch me a-­‐ BEATRICE: Oh no! I couldn’t care less about Belle. As far as I care she can rot in that castle. That’s what you get for being a sad, boring, goody-­‐goody-­‐two-­‐shoes. Right boys and girls?... Oh shut your faces! It’s my birthday tomorrow, and I’m having the biggest party ever! Ever! You three can be here if you want, even Belle can be, we’ll need someone to dish out the drinks… but I’m not having anyone or anything ruin my birthday!! (She exits.) BARCLAY: Come on Ernest, we must work fast. ERNEST: But Barclay, we’ve been trying and trying, and failing and failing… do you honestly think we’ll be able to find the missing ingredient? SONG: “THE ROSES OF SUCCESS” – Ernest, Barclay & Wayward 26 SCENE EIGHT: THE CASTLE SONG – ELEGANT BALLROOM DANCE (The scene is populated with ensemble. Gilette and Brigette are still in their serving outfits, handing out drinks etc. Concorde is also present. Entwistle walks to the top of the stairs.) ENTWISTLE: Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the Prince of Castle Royale. (Enter Prince, obviously forced into evening-­‐wear, but looking rather dapper. He storms past the ensemble, dragging Entwistle DS with him.) PRINCE: Entwistle, I feel such a fool! Let’s call the whole thing off; I’m going to my wing. ENTWISTLE: Sire, please, you haven’t given yourself a chance! PRINCE: This stupid suit is making me itch! ENTWISTLE: Sire, stop scratching – people are watching you! The only way you will look like the Prince again, sire, is if you show some consideration, kindness and love. PRINCE: …Love. ENTWISTLE: Yes. Now excuse me, I must go and announce our guest. (He returns to the top of the stairs.) Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for – SUE: Me! Hello everyone! What do you think? Not bad eh. Now some of the shrewder members of the audience may be glaring at the plot-­‐hole we have here, in the rather startling number of associates the Beast all of a sudden seems to have, that are prepared to while away their evening quite wistfully in his company. The answer is very simple and a lot shorter than the question. They’re all on ten quid an hour. How do you like my gown?... Nice isn’t it?... Just something I found in the back of the wardrobe… a mere trifle. ENTWISTLE: Yes – looks like it! SUE: He’s just playing hard to get. But he’s obviously crazy about me. Notice the way he’s avoiding eye contact? A sure giveaway, right ladies? Yoo-­‐hoo! Enty! ENTWISTLE: You called, Miss Preem? SUE: No need to be shy, darling. How do you like my dress? I’ve already turned a few heads. ENTWISTLE: Yes – quite a few stomachs too, I shouldn’t wonder. SUE: It’s nothing particularly special; just a little something I threw together. ENTWISTLE: Miss Preem? SUE: Yes? 27 ENTWISTLE: You missed. BRIGETTE: It is not fair. Why can’t we dress up? GILETTE: Brigette, we have to serve ze drinks. BRIGETTE: Gilette, I have an idea. If we get rid of the ze drinks, then we can join ze party! GILETTE: Good idea! We will throw it on the fire! (She leads Brigette over to the fireplace, and they chuck the glasses inside. FX: Pyro.) BRIGETTE: That was your fault! GILETTE: Non, it was yours! (Enter Wayward, dressed as an emu. She pauses at the top of the stairs.) ENTWISTLE: Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for – who are you?? WAYWARD: Me? Oh I live up the road. ENTWISTLE: There are no houses within thirty-­‐miles! WAYWARD: I’m well aware of that; I’m worn out! And I thought it was a fancy dress party! ENTWISTLE: A dress fancy party, not a fancy dress party! WAYWARD: (D/S) Hello boys and girls! It’s me -­‐ Fairy Wayward! I thought I better be here incase Belle gets into trouble! And, let’s be honest, there’s nothing like a good ol’ knees up! GILETTE: Brigette! Who is that big fat bird with the thin legs? BRIGETTE: You fool! That is Madame Sue Preem! GILETTE: Oooh… ENTWISTLE: Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the beautiful Miss Belle Pettle. (A musical flourish as Belle descends the stairs. All the guests are in awe, as is the Beast.) SUE: Oh! Oh I say! Princey! Catch me! (Prince extends his arms to her, but offers them to Belle as she passes. Sue falls backwards.) PRINCE: Miss Pettle, you look beautiful. BELLE: Thank you, I can make my own way down the stairs, you know. 28 ENTWISTLE: Miss Pettle, perhaps, a short dance? BELLE: I’d love to, Entwistle. PRINCE: I think Entwistle meant with me, Miss Pettle. Right, Entwistle? ENTWISTLE: …Very good, sire. (He starts dancing with Beast.) PRINCE: No, no, no! I meant with Miss Pettle! ENTWISTLE: But of course. (Entwistle very quickly gets Belle in a clinch.) PRINCE: No you fool, Miss Pettle with me! ENTWISTLE: Oh I see. Beg pardon. By all means. (Belle, reluctantly, dances off with the Prince. Entwistle goes D/S, does annoyed motion. He moves away and bumps into Sue, who beckons him coyly, showing a bit of leg etc. Gilette and Brigette mince past him and he is instantly captivated.) SUE: Entwistle!! ENTWISTLE: You screamed, Miss Preem? SUE: We’ve got to get the Prince and Belle talking. She’s hardly uttered a word to him. ENTWISTLE: Well I think he’s handling it very well. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen. SUE: (smacking him with a serving plate) Rubbish! He must woo her. Charm her! ENTWISTLE: Piffle! Put her in her place! Dominate! Be firm! SUE: Don't be a silly sausage, Enty! Anyway, how can we get to him without Belle knowing? ENTWISTLE: Ah! Remember when I caught Brigette in that secret passage last week? SUE: Hmm. Reminds me of the time I caught you with Gilette behind the secret fireplace, groping for a smutty pun as an excuse. ENTWISTLE: And did I give you one? SUE: To the secret passages! Remember; charming! ENTWISTLE: Firm! SUE: Charming! ENTWISTLE: Firm! 29 (They continue bickering till out of sight. Prince and Belle dance around the room. When they reach the fireplace, the mirror above it slides across, revealing Sue.) SUE: Psst! Master! Talk to her; woo her; charm her! PRINCE: What? Oh right! Yes… er, ahem… (to Belle) You’re a wonderful dancer, Miss Pettle. BELLE: Oh really? Thank you, Prince. You’re not so bad yourself. (They’ve moved over to a portrait hanging. The “face” in the portrait is removed, and Entwistle pokes his head through the hole.) ENTWISTLE: Sire! Be masterful! Firm! PRINCE: Oh right. (to Belle) Of course I’m not a bad dancer imbecile! Get me a drink, at once! (Belle, puzzled, goes and fetches the Prince a drink. A table trolley, covered in cloth, is pushed across the room. Prince lifts up the silver serving dish to reveal Sue’s head sticking out.) SUE: No, master. Be loving! Charm her! PRINCE: Charm her? Oh right, I see… (to Belle) Thank you so much Miss Pettle. Very kind of you. I hope you got yourself a drink, my dear? BELLE: That’s very kind of you, Prince. I shall. (The clock face on the wall opens and Entwistle’s face appears.) ENTWISTLE: Sire! Firm! Masterful! PRINCE: And just what do you think you’re doing by that drinks trolley! BELLE: Look, what exactly is your problem! One minute you’re all “oh you look lovely”, “good dancer”, “do you like cricket”, and the next you’re all “hands off”! PRINCE: I’m sorry, Miss Pettle. I’m so confused. Look, perhaps we can go for a quiet chat somewhere? Away from all this. What do you say? BELLE: (smiling) Well, if you promise not to be an idiot. PRINCE: I promise. Please. (He leads her off-­‐stage.) ENTWISTLE: I told you my idea would work! Firm! SUE: Charming! ENTWISTLE: Firm! SUE: Charming! 30 WAYWARD: I say, is this a game for two people or can anyone join in? SUE & ENTWISTLE: Who are you? WAYWARD: Me? I’m the caterer. Oh look! Nothing’s going on over there; I must go. Bye! ENTWISTLE: We’re getting a funny lot around here these days, Miss Preem. SUE: Yes… ENTWISTLE: Only the other day, I saw a man walking about dressed like a woman. SUE: Ahem, yes, well, it doesn’t serve to speculate does it… (They hear the sound of laughter from o/s) SUE: I say, it sounds as if we’ve made some progress! (Enter Prince and Belle.) PRINCE: Well you must let me show you around my library – I’ve thousands of books! BELLE: You have a library? PRINCE: Oh yes! I love reading. It’s the only way I can escape this place. Books are magical, don’t you agree? BELLE: Oh I agree. You know what, Prince, deep down, you’re not such a bad guy after all. (She waltzes away towards Concorde.) PRINCE: (like an overexcited schoolboy) SHE LIKES ME! SUE: Shh! What are you doing, you prize-­‐winning burke! PRINCE: But Miss Preem, I think she’s actually starting to like me. And she’s so beautiful. SUE: Now, come on; pull yourself together. Smarten yourself up. BELLE: Concorde, isn’t this magical! I’ve always dreamed of a beautiful palace, and the Prince can be so caring and considerate. You do like him, don’t you? (Concorde shrugs.) BRIGETTE: Concorde, ze mastair zays you are to move out of the ze stables into ze room next to the wine cellar. (Concorde gives Brigette a massive hug, then hugs Belle.) 31 BELLE: You like the Prince then, Concorde? (Concorde nods enthusiastically.) BELLE: That’s wonderful. I miss my father though. It’s Beatrice’s big party tonight, and I’m not even there. If only I could get away, just for the night, and see them both. PRINCE: Miss Pettle? (He offers Belle a drink. Concorde pushes Belle towards him with his nose.) BELLE: Prince, there’s something I have to ask you. I hate to say it. I’m having such a nice time here with you. PRINCE: What is it? Is something wrong? BELLE: It’s my sister. It’s her birthday, and she’s having a big party tonight. PRINCE: …Oh. BELLE: I don’t care about seeing her. But it’s my father. I left him last night without telling him where I was going, and I know he’d love to see me. PRINCE: But you’re having such a wonderful time here. BELLE: I know. Please Prince. I’ll come straight back. PRINCE: … You have to promise me -­‐ promise you’ll come back to the castle, by midnight. BELLE: By midnight? Ok Prince, I promise. (She goes to exit when the music begins. Prince offers Belle his hand.) PRINCE: Miss Pettle? Belle? SONG – “SO CLOSE” – Prince & Belle PRINCE: You’d better leave. Take Concorde with you. BELLE: Thank you Prince. (She gives him a peck on the cheek, then exits taking Concorde with her.) SONG – “SO CLOSE” (Reprise) – Prince END OF ACT ONE 32 ACT TWO SCENE ONE – DR. PETTLE’S HOUSE (in front of tabs, then full stage) NARRATOR: Welcome back girls and boys, dads and mums I hope you’ve ice-­‐cream and sweets, to stop those rumbling tums. Our heroine Belle was quite taken by the Prince; she saw a true kindness emerge And maybe, if their friendship was to blossom, perhaps his curse would be purged. But all this will have to wait, as Belle is rushing home for a date For no less than her wicked sister’s birthday But surely, this interruption won’t cause much disarray? (Enter Beatrice.) BEATRICE: I wouldn’t bet on it! You can ‘boo’ all you like; I’m going nowhere! I know what Belle’s playing at! All those lovely clothes and trinkets! Prisoner, my eye! And look at this place! You wouldn’t know it was my birthday! Where’s Daddy and that plonker Barclay! (SFX: Clanging, banging etc. from off-­‐stage) BEATRICE: Daddy!! (Enter Ernest.) ERNEST: Yes, Beatrice? BEATRICE: Daddy, what’s that appalling noise! ERNEST: We’re trying to make the Mucho-­‐Macho-­‐Muscle-­‐Maker to defeat the Beast. BEATRICE: There’s plenty of time for that tomorrow! Right now you’re supposed to be hanging the decorations for my party! (shouts) Barclay! Barclay! Stop making that racket! (He enters, sanding down a tennis racket.) BARCLAY: (o/s) Pardon? BEATRICE: I said, stop making that racket! BARCLAY: Shame, ‘cos it’s nearly finished, look. BEATRICE: Give me that! Help Daddy with the decorations! Go! (She storms off.) BARCLAY: What a nasty, evil, creepy, stinky – BEATRICE: What did you say?!?!?! BARCLAY: Happy birthday, Beatrice. 33 (She snarls and exits.) ERNEST: Come on Barclay; let’s hang the decorations. BARCLAY: Yes; hang the decorations! Let’s go back to the laboratory! ERNEST: Barclay, the sooner we get these done, the sooner we can get back to the potion. BARCLAY: All right. As a matter of fact, I did start on them earlier. Hang on. (He exits and an iron bar is dropped in, bearing individual letters spelling ‘BAD HIPPY BREATH TRACEY’. Ernest is flabbergasted. Enter Barclay, dusting his hands.) BARCLAY: There we are. What do you think of that? ERNEST: What do I think of it?! Look at it man, look at it! BARCLAY: What’s wrong with it? ERNEST: Bad Hippy Breath Tracey? BARCLAY: Yeah? ERNEST: Who’s Tracey? BARCLAY: Someone with bad hippy breath, Ernest. ERNEST: This has got nothing to do with Beatrice’s birthday! BARCLAY: Ah but it has. ERNEST: What? BARCLAY: She’s got bad hippy breath too. No, I’m only joking. I got a bit muddled. Here. (He re-­‐arranges the letters to spell ‘Happy Birthday Beatrice’ and takes a round of applause.) ERNEST: Jolly good. Now. Let’s clean the floors. BARCLAY: Good idea. (Barclay fetches a bucket of water and gets down on his knees with a brush and bar of soap.) ERNEST: (Carrying a bottle) Hold on, Barclay. Let’s put some of this in. Dr. Pettle’s “Solution for Treating Everyday Nooks and Crannies at Home”. Simply ask for ‘STENCH’. BARCLAY: Tell you what. We’ll put some of this in as well. Barclay’s Everyday Liquid for Cleaner Homes. More commonly known as ‘BELCH.’ Available from Boyes and Wilkos. 34 ERNEST: Great! With STENCH and BELCH, we’ll have this place clean in no time! Hang on… It says on this bottle – “shake well before using.” BARCLAY: Oh dear. Never mind, I have an idea! (He shakes the bucket vigorously and the contents spill all over Ernest.) ERNEST: Oh Barclay! Now look what you’ve done! BARCLAY: Sorry, Dr. Pettle. ERNEST: Go and fetch another bucket of water. BARCLAY: Yes of course. ERNEST: Oh Barclay! Mind the soap! BARCLAY: What? ERNEST: That bar of soap. We don’t want you to slip and have a nasty accident do we? BARCLAY: Oh no. (Exit Barclay as Ernest begins to dry himself with a towel.) BEATRICE: (o/s) This room better be looking good! ERNEST: Oh Beatrice! Mind the soap! (Beatrice enters, carrying a tall birthday cream cake and inadvertently steps over the soap.) BEATRICE: Well, what are you shouting about?! ERNEST: I was shouting for you to step over that soap. BEATRICE: I did step over it, idiot! What are you messing about with now?! The girls made me this fab cake, what do you think? Not that you’ll be having any! Where’s the twerp? ERNEST: Barclay’s just gone to fetch me a bucket of water. BEATRICE: Well I hope he hurries! BARCLAY: (o/s) Here I come, Dr. Pettle! ERNEST & BEATRICE: Mind the soap! (Barclay enters, and inadvertently misses the soap.) 35 BARCLAY: Of course I’m going to miss the soap, what kind of fool do you take me for? And just what do you think would happen if I did slip on the soap anyway? ERNEST: You’d slide on the soap… BARCLAY: Yes… ERNEST: With the bucket of water… BARCLAY: Yes… ERNEST: And empty it all over me! BARCLAY: Ernest, don’t be silly – that wouldn’t happen. Here, I’ll show you. If I did slip on the soap, I’d lose all my balance, see, slip along a bit and… (He ends up just throwing the water onto Ernest. Beatrice shrieks with laughter.) BARCLAY: Oh yes, you’re quite right, Dr. Pettle. I should’ve listened. Oh dear. You’re all wet. BEATRICE: Oh Barclay, I had no idea you could be such fun! ERNEST: Dr. Burke, would you be so kind as to step into this laundry basket. BARCLAY: What for? ERNEST: I don’t want to get the floor any messier than it already is. BARCLAY: Ok. Now what? ERNEST: Now what? BARCLAY: Yes. ERNEST: Now this! (He empties both the contents from the two cleaning fluids – gunky, multi-­‐coloured slop oozes over Barclay, who remains pokerfaced. Beatrice again shrieks with laughter.) BEATRICE: You guys are hil-­‐arious! This is the best birthday ever! You both look so silly! (She totters off, slips on the soap and puts her face in the cake. Ernest and Barclay laugh.) BEATRICE: (Stone-­‐faced) That wasn’t very funny. SONG – ‘PARTY TIME’ – Barclay, Ernest, Chorus and Dancers (During the song, the set is decorated for Beatrice’s birthday. A huge stand-­‐in cake is present.) BEATRICE: Now listen Barclay and listen good! I’m going to make a huge entrance from the inside of that cake, right, and I want a massive build up, right, and then everyone’s going to turn round, right, and I’m going to stick my head out, right, and then there’ll be a massive round of applause because I’m so ace. BARCLAY: …Riiiiiiiight. What do you want me to do? 36 BEATRICE: Two things. 1. Stop being a twerp, and 2. Read out this speech that says how amazing I am. BARCLAY: Who wrote it? BEATRICE: Me! BARCLAY: “She’s beautiful?!”… “she’s kind-­‐hearted?!”… Here, what do I get out of all this? (Beatrice grabs his fingers and clenches them hard.) BEATRICE: You get your fingers back in one piece, wally-­‐brain! Now help me into the cake. VILLAGER 1: Are you all right Dr. Pettle? ERNEST: Pardon? Oh yes, sorry. I’m just missing Belle, that’s all. It would have been so special if she could’ve made it. I do hope she’s all right. I’d give anything to see her again. BEATRICE: Right – now remember fathead – really big me up for my grand entrance! Because after all, I’m the greatest thing in this town, isn’t that right boys and girls? (Barclay puts the top of the cake on before she gets into a long argument with the audience. He grabs a glass and taps it with a spoon to get everyone’s attention.) BARCLAY: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I have a few words to say, from our host, Beatrice. Ahem. “Thank you all for coming, and it’s great to see you. Though obviously not as great as when I look in the mirror and see my ace face. But this party would not be possible without the love of one person. Yes, one ace girl who is amazing. She is beautiful, kind-­‐
hearted and adored by millions. Even those she hasn’t met, because she’s that ace. Basically think of a really ace beautiful thing, and times it by a million. Yeah, that’s how ace and beautiful she is. So, it is my pleasure to announce, this really ace and beautiful person – (Enter Belle with Concorde.) BARCLAY: Belle! (Everyone is over the moon to see Belle, and swamp around her and make a huge fuss.) ERNEST: Belle, my dear daughter! I can’t believe my eyes! BARCLAY: Belle you’re back! Did you miss me? Has the Beast let you go? BELLE: Yes of course I missed you Barclay. But you mustn’t call him that. He’s really quite – BEATRICE: (bursting out of the cake) I am sick of you ruining everything! Why can’t you let me have my moment, eh?! No-­‐one invited you anyway! In all your fancy gowns and posh gloves! I know what you’re playing at and, and… someone get me out of this stupid cake!!! 37 BELLE: Happy birthday, sister! Look, the Prince very kindly let me bring you some new jewellery from his castle! And in this suitcase, three brand new dresses! BEATRICE: Let me check the label…. “Spinning Wheel”! Get in! Thanks, sis! (She and her gang of girls go into a corner with the suitcase and jewellery.) BARCLAY: Don’t worry about the Beast, Belle. We’re going to defeat him and set you free. BELLE: What?! Oh no, you mustn’t! ERNEST: Nonsense Belle! He’s a monster! In every sense of the word! BELLE: Not when you get to know him. I’ve just come from a huge Royal Ball he’s holding. BEATRICE: Royal Ball eh? BELLE: That’s right. And the Prince very kindly let me come back home for the evening. BEATRICE: A Prince eh? BELLE: Yes. That’s the only thing… I’m afraid I can’t stay too long Beatrice, I promised the Prince I’d be home by midnight. And if I’m not, he’s likely to get very angry. BEATRICE: By midnight eh? (to audience) This gives me a wicked idea! This Prince doesn’t sound too bad does he… Huge castle, stonking rich, Royal Balls… Though obvs he’s bound to be a bit lonely and in need of some ace company… Like me! Mwa ha ha ha! Well it’s obvious snivelly-­‐snotweed over there won’t do. I’ve got to make him not like her... (to Belle) Oh sis, surely this bloke wouldn’t mind you stopping here overnight? I mean, what’s a few hours, eh? And then we can have a good ol’ sisterly catch-­‐up, like the old times. BELLE: …That’s the most words you’ve ever said to me in my whole life. BEATRICE: Mwa ha h – I mean, oh tee-­‐hee-­‐tee-­‐hee. Isn’t my sister funny, girls? GIRLS: What? What you on about? Etc. BEATRICE: YES SHE IS! BELLE -­‐ FUNNY! GOT IT?! GIRLS: Oh right, yeah. Tee hee etc. BEATRICE: C’mon sis, surely you can stay? Just till after midnight… Come meet the girls. They’re dying to see you! BELLE: Really? BEATRICE: Sure! And don’t worry, just do what I do. They’ll soon take to you. BELLE: What do you mean? 38 BEATRICE: Well, they’re not going to be your friends if you’re yourself, will they? Look… SONG: ‘POPULAR’ – Beatrice & Girls (Lights fade to blues. The clock hands of which begin spinning to mark the passage of time.) NARRATOR: And the hours started to slip by, And Beatrice kept Belle fully occupied And indeed a good evening was had by all To the extent that Belle forgot about the Prince’s Royal Ball… But then, as if by a strange sense of foreboding, Belle jumped upright For the clock on the wall struck the chimes of midnight! (Clock chimes 12. Belle jumps up.) BELLE: Midnight! Oh no! The Prince! BEATRICE: (blocking the door) And just where do you think you’re going? BELLE: Thanks for the great evening, Beatrice. But I made a promise and I’m already late! BEATRICE: Not so fast! Daddy! Belle’s trying to get back to the Beast! ERNEST: Belle you mustn’t be scared. We’ll make sure you’re safe here in your bedroom. BELLE: My bedroom? Dad, you don't understand! The Prince is kind and loving! I want to go back to him! BEATRICE: Girls! Seize her! (The girls grab Belle.) BELLE: What are you doing?! Let go of me! BEATRICE: Take her to her room and lock the door! If there’s any Prince going, he’s mine! (Belle is taken off, kicking and screaming.) BEATRICE: The rest of you can go away, too! Go on, get out, all of you! Worthless, scrounging lot! I need to make sure I’m my absolute prettiest for when this delich Prince sweeps me off my feet. Mwa ha ha ha ha! SCENE TWO – THE CASTLE (in front of tabs) (Enter Sue, slightly the worse for wear, followed steadfastly by Entwistle.) SUE: You’re rubbish, that’s what you are, Entwistle! I don’t know what I ever saw in you! 39 ENTWISTLE: Miss Preem, please control yourself. The servants will hear. SUE: Let the whole world hear! You let Belle leave the castle! And now… oh the poor Prince… oh the poor, poor Prince… (aside) one for the road -­‐ OH the poor, poor, poor Prince! You should’ve been looking out for her. But oh no! I know what you were looking out for. Yourself! You and those skimpy, leggy maids, Brigette and Gilette. ENTWISTLE: Miss Preem, how did you know?! SUE: WHAT?! ENTWISTLE: Er -­‐ I mean – how did you know I was with the maids? SUE: I saw you standing next to them by the punch bowl. ENTWISTLE: I was helping myself. SUE: You can say that again! Well hear this; I’m not going to be one of your flighty pieces! ENTWISTLE: You can say that again! SUE: I’m a very attractive young woman you know! I could have any Tom, Dick or Harry! But I don’t want Tom or Harry! I just want…! (she mellows) You… Richard. SONG – “I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU” – Sue and Entwistle (Enter Prince.) PRINCE: Where is she?! SUE: Oh Prince! My, you are looking handsome tonight! PRINCE: Where’s Belle?! She promised she’d be back by the strike of midnight! ENTWISTLE: Perhaps the buses aren't running? PRINCE: Silence! (he mellows) Who am I kidding? I was a fool to think that she could ever fall in love with someone as hideous as me. (He storms off.) SUE: Master, wait! (turns sharply on Entwistle) Right! You careless, slippery, waste-­‐of-­‐space, thick-­‐headed, repugnant (aside) I’m enjoying this… deceitful, conniving, stiff-­‐upper-­‐lipped-­‐
ponce! You’ve got some making up to do! ENTWISTLE: Me? SUE: Yes, you! You’re going to Lymbeau and bringing Belle back, or you’ll be for it! 40 ENTWISTLE: Yes, Miss Preem!... I’ll be for what? SUE: It! ENTWISTLE: Oh please, not that. SUE: Quiet!! You have until the morning, understand?! ENTWISTLE: Yes Miss Preem! SUE: And before you go? ENTWISTLE: Yes, Miss Preem? SUE: Give us a kiss. (Despite Entwistle’s protestations, she pulls him back and gives him a smacker on the lips.) ENTWISTLE: (uber-­‐cool, correcting his uniform) Thank you Miss Preem. I needed that. (He walks off. Sue adjusts her bra.) SUE: Not half as much as I did! SCENE THREE – DR. PETTLE’S HOUSE (The stage is set up to depict two rooms with an adjoining door. Each room has a bed and a window. To differentiate, one room is numbered 1 and 2 below. Belle paces in Room 1, while Beatrice sings a few bars (badly) of ‘I Feel Pretty.’ Belle bangs on the door.) BELLE: Keep the noise down in there Beatrice! BEATRICE: Hah! You’re just jealous ‘cos you can’t sing. BELLE: For Heaven’s sake, Beatrice, unlock this door! I must go and see the Prince! BEATRICE: Hah! Over my dead body! Now shut up and go to sleep! BELLE: Stop saying ‘hah’! BEATRICE: Hah! You wish. Sweet dreams! (They get into their beds and simultaneously switch out their light. The top of a ladder appears in the window-­‐frame of Room 2, and Brigette and Gilette appear.) BRIGETTE: Shh! Now remember what Entwistle said, we must take Belle back to ze castle. And stop wriggling! You are making ze laddair wobble! GILETTE: I do not understand. Why can’t Entwistle do it himself? BRIGETTE: Maybe he is scared of heights? 41 ENTWISTLE: (out of sight) Nonsense girls! Someone’s got to hold the ladder steady while you two are up there! Now, can you see a bed? BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Oui. ENTWISTLE: Can you see someone in the bed? BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Oui. ENTWISTLE: Is it a man or a woman? BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Oui. ENTWISTLE: … What? BRIGETTE: It is definitely a man or a woman. ENTWISTLE: Oh for Heaven’s! Tch! Do they have long hair? BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Oui. ENTWISTLE: Ah! Then it must be Belle. Right, in you go. Remember; be quiet! (Brigette and Gilette climb through the window, and sneak up to Beatrice. Gilette is distracted by a radio on the bedside table, switches it on and The Can-­‐Can blazes out. Brigette and Gilette do everything they can to muffle it but to no avail. They unplug it and drop it out the window.) BEATRICE: And just what is going on? BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Nothing. (SFX: Crash.) ENTWISTLE: Ow! I said kidnap Belle not kidnap her radio! BEATRICE: Kidnap Belle?! You’re from the castle aren’t you! Daddy! BRIGETTE: Non, it is not like zat! We are here to ask Belle to come back to ze Prince. (By this point, Entwistle, with a bandage on his head, has appeared on the ladder.) ENTWISTLE: You girls have got the wrong room! GILETTE: Shh! Go away silly person who we do not know what your name is! (She pushes the ladder away from the house and Entwistle falls to the floor screaming.) BEATRICE: I think you girls have a lot of explaining to do! (Lights out on Room 2. Lights up on Room 1, where Belle, on hearing Entwistle, is looking out of her window. He moves the ladder to her window and climbs up and into the room.) BELLE: Entwistle! Entwistle are you there? 42 ENTWISTLE: I’m here Miss Pettle, but those silly maids are in the next room! BELLE: The next room? But that’s my sister Beatrice’s room! (During this, Ernest has entered and knocks DSL Juliette.) ERNEST: (o/s) Hello? Beatrice? I heard a noise! BRIGETTE: Jour de vivre! We will be caught! BEATRICE: So you should be! Now perhaps I can get some sleep! GILETTE: Please hide us. We’ll do anything for you! BEATRICE: Anything? BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Anything! ERNEST: (o/s) Beatrice? BEATRICE: Ok – in the bed. Put you’ve got to get me lots of prezzies from the castle mind! (Gilette and Brigette hide in Bed 2.) ERNEST: (o/s) Beatrice? Are you there? BEATRICE: Yes, come in Daddy. (Ernest enters Room 2.) ERNEST: Everything all right Beatrice? I heard a loud bang and a lot of shouting… BEATRICE: Oh – er – it was nothing Daddy. I fell out of bed. ERNEST: Oh I see. Beatrice, I’m very worried that Belle might try returning to the castle tonight. I was wondering, would you mind sharing her room? Just so I know someone’s in there with her and looking out for her. BEATRICE: Share Belle’s room? ERNEST: Yes. You wouldn’t mind would you? BEATRICE: Er – no, no. I’ll go straight away. ERNEST: Thank you Beatrice. Good night. (He exits.) 43 BEATRICE: Good night. Tch! Great! Now I’ve got to share with sausage-­‐features. (She bangs loud on the adjoining door.) Oi! Mouldy-­‐feet! Let me in! BELLE: (to Entwistle) It’s Beatrice! She mustn’t find you here as well! In the bed! Quickly! (Entwistle gets into Bed 1. Belle lets in Beatrice, who barges past her.) BEATRICE: Out the way! I’m very tired! BELLE: Why don’t you go to your bed? BEATRICE: There are two women in it. We’ve got to share. BELLE: (Gets in bed next to Entwistle) Oh, but you can’t! You see, there just isn’t room! BEATRICE: Oh yes there is! So like it or lump it, I am – ARRRRGH! (She flings back the covers, exposing Entwistle. Brigette and Gilette, on hearing the scream, dash over to the adjoining door. They are shocked by the sight of the three of them in bed.) ENTWISTLE: Good evening. BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Monsieur Entwistle! BRIGETTE: What are you doing in that bed? ENTWISTLE: I suddenly came over all tired… GILETTE: Huh! A likely story! (Brigette and Gilette storm out into Room 2. Entwistle runs after them.) ENTWISTLE: Listen, girls, I can explain! (FX: Knocking on Room 2 door.) ERNEST: (o/s) What on Earth is going on in there?! I heard a scream! (Brigette and Gilette hide in the Bed 2.) BEATRICE: Here Daddy! There’s an imposter! Imposters in our rooms! BELLE: Shh! (to Entwistle) Keep her quiet! ENTWISTLE: How?! BEATRICE: There’s three of them, Daddy! BELLE: Bribe her! Bribe her! 44 BEATRICE: One big bloke and two women… (She fades off as Entwistle waves money in front of her. She’s instantly in a kind of trance.) ERNEST: (o/s) I can’t hear you! I’m coming in! (He enters Room 2, as Belle enters Room 2 from the adjoining door. She closes it behind her.) ERNEST: Ah Belle! What was that noise? That scream? BELLE: Oh, er… it was Beatrice. She, er… she fell out of bed. ERNEST: Again? Tch, bless her. Oh well, I’ll bid you good night dear. Sleep well. (Ernest exits.) BELLE: Good night Dad. You too! SUE: (appearing from the window in Room 2) Yoo-­‐hoo! BELLE: Sue! What are you doing here? SUE: Hello my dear. I’ve come to find that darling man Entwistle. He forgot his packed lunch. Oh, he’s so wonderful! And he’s mine! All mine! Where is the cheeky cherub? (She opens the adjoining door to Room 1 and discovers Entwistle, offering the dazed Beatrice all sorts of riches and trinkets from his various pockets.) SUE: AND JUST WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! ENTWISTLE: … Good evening. SUE: I’ll give you ‘good evening’, you dirty devil! (She starts chasing him round Room 1 (circulating the dazed Beatrice), hitting him with the lunch box. Entwistle runs into Room 2 and Sue slams the door on him.) SUE: And don’t you dare come back! (to Beatrice, still transfixed) What are you gorping at?! (FX: Knocking on Room 2 door.) ERNEST: (o/s) Belle?! Beatrice?! I distinctly heard a man scream! SUE: Well I’m trying my best! BELLE: Quick! In the bed! (Entwistle gets in Bed 2, which already contains Brigette and Gilette. Enter Ernest.) 45 ERNEST: Belle, I’m going out of my mind! Something is definitely going on! I say, that’s a rather lumpy bed. No wonder she kept falling out of it! BELLE: Er, yes. It’s… er… Beatrice. She spreads herself out a lot. ERNEST: How curious. Mind you, her mother was just the same. Good night dear. BELLE: Good night. (He exits. Entwistle sits up in bed.) ENTWISTLE: That was a close one! BRIGETTE & GILETTE: (Sitting up) You can say that again! SUE: (entering from Room 1) All right, Richard, I’m prepared to…. WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?! (Beatrice snaps out of her trance, runs to the door and screams. Belle pushes her back into Room 1 and locks the door, as Gilette and Brigette exit. Ernest enters and Sue throws the bedcovers over him and exits with Belle. Entwistle, with one leg on the ladder, turns around.) ENTWISTLE: Good evening. (And exits.) SCENE FOUR – THE WOODS (in front of tabs) (Enter Belle, Concorde, Entwistle, Sue, Brigette and Gilette.) BELLE: Think hard Concorde, surely some of these woods look familiar… SUE: (To Entwistle) You’ve lived in the castle all your life. Can’t you remember the way? ENTWISTLE: I’ve never made the trip back to the castle at night, Miss Preem. GILETTE: Brigette, I am scared. Hold me close! Closer! Closer! BRIGETTE: If I held you any closer, I’d be round ze back of you! (Fairy Wayward enters, in her usual garb, and approaches Belle.) WAYWARD: Hello my dear. You won’t know who I am but – ENTWISTLE: Aren’t you the bookseller? SUE: Or the tour guide? BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Or ze caterer? 46 WAYWARD: No!! Belle, I am your Fairy Godmother. And all through your life, I’ve been beside you. But right now, Belle, you must stand on your own feet. Think hard, Belle. What is your heart telling you? The only way to the Prince is to look inside your heart. BELLE: Why? WAYWARD: Because… BELLE: Because?.... Because… SONG – “SOMEWHERE” -­‐ Belle (During the song, the dancers re-­‐enter, and the signpost is brought on. The sign ‘Castle’ points to the tabs. Belle runs to it, the others follow, and the tabs open showing the castle interior. Wayward takes down the ‘Dingley Dell’ sign and throws it into the pit.) WAYWARD: That was so last year! (She exits and the tabs close.) SCENE FIVE – DR. PETTLE’S HOUSE (in front of tabs) (Enter Beatrice.) BEATRICE: Curses! Belle’s on her way back to the Prince and I’ve no way of stopping them! Well if I can’t have him, no one can! Mwa ha ha ha! (Ernest and Barclay enter and head for the opposite Juliette.) ERNEST: Stop that laughing Beatrice! We must get to Belle before she reaches the castle! BEATRICE: Pah! Waste of time! She’ll be well on the way there by now. ERNEST: You say what you like, but I refuse to stop here and lose her to that Beast! I’m going to muster up an army and charge at the castle! We’re coming to save you Belle! (He runs out. Barclay goes to follow.) BEATRICE: Wait! Barclay! I have an idea… This Mucho-­‐Macho-­‐Muscle-­‐Maker… Surely together we can find the one missing ingredient. BARCLAY: Together? You mean, you want to help? BEATRICE: Well I could be persuaded. If we did find it though, what would happen? BARCLAY: I’d drink some of the potion, turn into the strongest, biggest man in the world, beat the Beast, claim the castle my own -­‐ 47 BEATRICE: And make me future Queen so I can spend all that money!!! BARCLAY: No I wouldn’t! I don’t love you Beatrice! You’re nasty! My heart belongs to Belle! BEATRICE: Urgh! Why bring love into it?! All right, fine, marry Belle, but here’s my part of the bargain. When you become the Prince, you must give all the riches of the castle to me! BARCLAY: All right! I wouldn’t need riches; I’d be with Belle! And love means everything! BEATRICE: Yeah, whatever… Come on then, we need to get this potion made. (Barclay brings on a complex science kit, of bubbling beakers and foaming test-­‐tubes, also a tin bath in which all the ingredients go. A rose is also present. He picks up a big book.) BEATRICE: What’s with that stupid smelly rose? BARCLAY: It's Belle’s. She left it here. I keep it with me. And what do you mean smelly? BEATRICE: You’re such a weirdo! Give me that book. Let’s see… Hang on, at the top here it says this potion can’t be made without an item belonging to a proper chemist. BARCLAY: Hang on. (He rushes off and re-­‐enters with a mini tree, wearing a lab-­‐coat, and a pair of specs.) BEATRICE: What’s that? BARCLAY: Chemist Tree. (He puts it in the tin bath.) BEATRICE: Ok, here we go. “Hydrogen.” BARCLAY: (putting it in) Hydrogen. BEATRICE: “Lowdrogen.” BARCLAY: Lowdrogen. (He puts the bowl on the floor momentarily, and pours it in.) BEATRICE: “Copper”. BARCLAY: (putting in a constable’s helmet) Copper. BEATRICE: “Iron”. BARCLAY: (Putting in an iron) Iron. BEATRICE: “Edwardian furniture”. BARCLAY: Edwardian furniture… (He picks up a small ornate table) What’s this for? 48 BEATRICE: It’s a periodic table. BARCLAY: Tch! Ask a silly question... (He puts it in.) BEATRICE: Sulphur. (He puts it in.) BEATRICE: Is it in? BARCLAY: Sulphur -­‐ so good. BEATRICE: Nobelium. (Barclay takes out a bell already placed inside the tin bath.) BEATRICE: And, lastly, nitrogen. (FX: Temporary blackout, as Barclay puts it in.) BEATRICE: And that’s it. But we’re still missing one ingredient. BARCLAY: Wait, there’s a riddle. “If this potion you are making, you must read this prose… BEATRICE: For the ingredient that you’re missing could be under your nose BARCLAY: It’s something sweet-­‐smelling, and in the garden grows BEATRICE & BARCLAY: Look around and you will find, a beautiful, red…. BARCLAY: Hmm. Sweet-­‐smelling, grows in the garden… BEATRICE: Beautiful and red… BARCLAY: Can you help kids? (…) The rose! Of course! BEATRICE: Here, wait a minute! I stole that fair and square! BARCLAY: Don’t be silly. (He puts it in, picks up a spoon.) Don’t worry Belle! Here I come! SONG – “SO MACHO” – Beatrice, Barclay and Dancers SCENE SIX – THE CASTLE (Prince sits staring at the fire. Enter Belle, Concorde, Sue, Entwistle, Brigette and Gilette.) 49 SUE: I’d better have a word with him, Belle. He may be having one of his “off” days. (to Beast) Yoo-­‐hoo? Master? ….Master, we’re here. Look, Belle’s come back, look… PRINCE: (Not noticing Belle) It doesn’t matter. SUE: Beg pardon, sire? PRINCE: I’ve been an ogre, Miss Preem. But Miss Pettle showed me another way of thinking. I miss herm Miss Preem. More than this castle, these clothes… She made me see the true meaning of the word “love”. But I realized it too late. But if I ever saw her again, I’d tell her -­‐ BELLE: (moving forward) Tell her what, Prince? PRINCE: Miss Pettle! What are you doing here? BELLE: (pinching his lips together) Shh! Go on. What would you say? (Suddenly, there is a mad braying on the castle door, with simultaneous thunder and Barclay smashes the door down and storms in, flanked by Beatrice, Ernest and an angry mob.) BELLE: Barclay?! What’s happened?! BEATRICE: The Mucho-­‐Macho-­‐Muscle-­‐Maker, that’s what! Now stand aside, sparrow legs! BELLE: Wait! Barclay, the Prince is not a monster! He’s changed! BEATRICE: There’s no reasoning with him; he’s completely under the spell! Barclay! (The Prince and Barclay lock in a scrap. One swing from Barclay knocks Prince to the floor.) BEATRICE: It’s over, Beast! BELLE: Dad! Do something! BEATRICE: You dare Daddy, and you’ll be next! BELLE: Entwistle?! ENTWISTLE: (to Barclay) Good evening. Now I’m sure all this can be easily rectified… BELLE: Concorde?! (Concorde jumps between Prince and Barclay, hooves outstretched like a barrier. Concorde does some pretty neat t’ai chi moves.) BEATRICE: Mwa ha ha ha! You really think that’ll stop him? BELLE: You don’t want to take your eyes off Concorde – he’s a dark horse! 50 (Concorde is surreptitiously passed a silver-­‐serving tray by the maids and bonks Barclay on the head with it. He collapses, in true comedy style.) SUE: Well done girls! As a reward, take that hulking man upstairs. BRIGETTE & GILETTE: With pleasure! BRIGETTE: He is going in my room. GILETTE: Non, he is going in mine! BRIGETTE: Oui! GILLETE: Non! BRIGETTE: Oui! GILETTE: Non! (They continue bickering, dragging Barclay offstage by his feet. Belle kneels by Prince.) BELLE: Prince? Prince, are you hurt? PRINCE: I’ll be fine. Just… (He winces as he struggles to get up.) BELLE: You’re bleeding. PRINCE: It’s fine, don’t worry about me, please… at least I got to see you again. ERNEST: Belle, be careful – WAYWARD: (going to Belle and comforting her) Hush, now; can’t you see he’s changed? ERNEST: But I thought… who are you?? WAYWARD: Tch! I’m her Fairy Godmother! BELLE: He’s going to be all right isn’t he? WAYWARD: It’s very difficult to say. BELLE: Please Prince, I... (She lays her head on his chest.) I love you. (The storm relents and sunlight beams through the windows. Smoke begins to fills the stage and the Prince is transformed from the Beast into his self.) BELLE: Prince! Prince you’re alive! PRINCE: I thought I’d lost you for good! BELLE: I thought the same about you! 51 (They hug. The crowd cheer.) PRINCE: Everyone, go home and rest! Tomorrow night, I’m holding the biggest party Lymbeau has ever seen! (Huge cheer. Enter Barclay, very dazed and confused.) BARCLAY: What’s all this noise? I’m trying to get some sleep! BELLE: Barclay! You’re all right! BARCLAY: Belle, you’re safe! Oh! And who’s this handsome chap? PRINCE: (cowering behind Belle) DON’T HURT ME! BARCLAY: What did I say? BELLE: Don’t worry. I’ll explain it all to you. You see… (She takes him away into a corner. Sue brings Beatrice D/S.) SUE: Well, well, well Beatrice, seems you’re not set to be Queen of Castle Royale after all. BEATRICE: Hah! Didn’t want to be anyway! Look at these stone walls, and drafty corridors. SUE: Oh don’t let that bother you. As a matter of fact, I know a place where it’s nice and hot. BEATRICE: Really? SUE: Yes. And there’s all the food and drink you could possibly ask for. BEATRICE: Really? Where? SUE: The kitchen. (She produces a chef’s hat and plonks it on Beatrice’s head) And you can start work straight away, Enty and I are off on our nuptials. Where is he? ENTWISTLE: (to Brigette and Gilette) …And then I thought perhaps a spot of lunch in Monte Carlo before heading further along to Cannes? SUE: Entwistle! ENTWISTLE: Coming, dear. SONG – “SO CLOSE” REPRISE – Belle & Prince 52 SCENE SEVEN – SONGSHEET (in front of tabs) (Two guards bring on a clock from Act One, and position it in front of the tabs opening. The clock opens and out step Gillette and Brigette.) GILETTE: Do you know what Brigette, sometimes I feel like Doctor Who. BRIGETTE: Doctor Who? Why’s that? GILETTE: Because I just time-­‐travelled. BRIGETTE: We have an important job to do Gilette. Monsieur Entwistle has asked us to entertain the guests while everyone gets ready for the Royal Wedding. GILETTE: What can we do? BRIGETTE: Well, I was up in the attic and I found this. (Two guards enter carrying a songsheet.) GILETTE: My goodness! It is a whopper! BRIGETTE: Yes I know. I thought we could all sing it together? GILETTE: What a good idea! (Ad lib…) (Enter Entwistle.) ENTWISTLE: Excellent work girls. Good news! We’re all set for the Royal Wedding. BRIGETTE & GILETTE: Magnifique! Tres bien! Etc. SUE: (o/s) Entwistle! ENTWISTLE: Look out! (He ushers Brigette and Gilette inside the clock (NB. They exit through the tabs.) Sue enters.) SUE: Entwistle! ENTWISTLE: Good evening. SUE: Come along dear, everyone’s waiting for us…. What is this clock doing here? ENTWISTLE: Chiming, dear. 53 SUE: Hmm… Very funny. It doesn’t belong there. And where are those naughty maids? ENTWISTLE: I can assure you my angel, they are not inside this clock. SUE: Oh really? In that case -­‐ guards! Come and take this clock away. (The guards re-­‐enter and carry off the empty clock.) SUE: Come on Entwistle, work to do! (She exits and he follows, looking very puzzled!) SCENE EIGHT -­‐ THE TOWN OF LYMBEAU (Walk down) FINALE WAYWARD: So the Prince found true love BELLE: And now I’m a Princess SUE: And I feel super, ‘cos at last I can get out of this dress! BARCLAY: Belle’s found her love, but I’m now a partner of Ernest’s labours, ERNEST: And I’m off to put my feet up with Concorde and watch his favourite show – “Neighbours” PRINCE: Our love will forever last, based on trust, friendship and hope GILETTE: We’re taking a break BRIGETTE: And employed twenty more maids ENTWISTLE: However will I cope! BEATRICE: So now I’m in the kitchens, where I can’t cause much trouble, though I’m a dab-­‐hand at a soufflé, and I serve the scotch by the double! BELLE: We hope you’ve enjoyed the show, and leave here with a wonderful feeling SUE: And so there’s really not much else to say, except safe trip home ENTWISTLE: And good evening. END OF ACT TWO 54 CAST OF CHARACTERS (in order of appearance) NARRATOR FAIRY WAYWARD – Female, 30’s-­‐70’s. A “master of disguise”. Kind and caring, though as her name suggests, she’s liable to put her foot in it. Must have good comic timing and instant rapport with the audience. BELLE PETTLE – Female, 20’s-­‐30’s. Our heroine. Mature, intelligent and very much a romantic. Optimistic and a dreamer. Her family always come first however. CONCORDE – The family horse. Has a mischievous side and a fondness for brandy. Very energetic part! DR. ERNEST PETTLE – Male, 50’s-­‐70’s. Belle’s father. A genius who struggles with common sense. Devoted to his work and family. Rather absent-­‐minded. BARCLAY BURKE – Male, 20’s-­‐30’s. Ernest’s assistant. Has a huge crush on Belle. Is loved by everyone, despite his rather geeky persona. Must have a good connection with the audience. Enjoys a lot of pratfalls in the show. CLARENCE CLANGER – Male, 40’s-­‐60’s. Making a flashy guest appearance from ‘Sleeping Beauty’ – our big, booming Town Crier. BEATRICE PETTLE – Female, 20’s-­‐30’s. Belle’s sister. The panto “baddie”. She’s a spoilt little brat who always gets her own way. Nasty, spiteful and the butt of many jokes. A different take on the traditional villain. Must have an acid tongue and speedy delivery. SUSAN PREEM – Male, 30’s-­‐50’s. The Panto Dame. The Royal Castle’s chef. Very doting on the Prince and believes in true love to the ninth degree. Hopelessly in love with Entwistle. Comic timing essential. RICHARD ENTWISTLE – Male, 40’s-­‐50’s. The stiff-­‐upper-­‐lipped butler. Prince’s right-­‐hand man, and often caught in awkward situations with the two maids. Getting a lot of the comedy, Entwistle must be entirely deadpan – he’s the only one who doesn’t think he’s funny. BRIGETTE & GILETTE – Females, 20’s-­‐30’s. The two castle maids are the comedy duo (they’re also the only characters who speak with a faux-­‐French accent). Very attractive, very saucy. They make things overcomplicated and are totally inseparable. THE PRINCE – Male, 20’s-­‐40’s. The Prince has a sense of humour as well as a temper. He must be thoroughly frightening as the Beast yet be able to demonstrate the tragic and romantic sides to the character. 55