Zero Words
Hugh Haddox
I
tell you what—I’ll tell you what scares me half to death about myself. And trust me,
I’m telling the truth. I think I know that much. I know about myself, at least. But—
and this is what scares me—I can’t read other people one bit. I mean I can tell when
someone is happy or sad or something—I’m not a total idiot—but talk about level 2 of
consciousness, psychology of the individual, and my head rears back and my hands shoot
imploringly into the air.
I’ll give you an example of something that’s been bothering me—something that
brought all this on recently. At least twice that I can remember in the last month I’ve said
something to someone and they haven’t even responded to me. Now this really throws
my mind for a loop. I mean this is like in problem solving where you go at it by trying to
imagine the extremes. Like a math problem where you consider what a function does as
x approaches infinity. Or in this case, what in the world does it mean if someone speaks
zero words to you in response to a question? Say number of words spoken is on the x-axis
and the amount of interest the listener has for the speaker is on the y-axis. What does zero
words mean!? (And give me the benefit of the doubt that “interest” can have negative values,
dammit, I just don’t really care to rethink the y-axis at this very moment.) My guess is that:
interest = f(# words spoken) = ln(# words spoken), as shown in Figure 1.1
Figure 1. Putative
relationship between the
number of words spoken by
the listener in response to
a question and the amount
of interest they have for the
speaker: interest =
ln(#words spoken)
Now that we have an equation under our belt, if, like me, you can’t really go on with something without
feeling comfortable with the variables: for the x-axes, imagine if someone responds in less than one word
(i.e. when x<1), them producing some short sort of glottal noise which becomes less and less audible
and glottal as interest decreases—approaching something like a death rattle as interest -∞. And, what
do you know, I think it can actually work having negative values of interest. As interest -∞, what
if you imagine it precisely as if the listener is floating, dully, further and further into outer space, or
alternatively, it could be equivalent to our listener being on fire—a burning, but unflinching monk, slowly
but surely coming into his mid-season form. Never mind for the present whether or not the model is
correct in implying a trend of diminishing returns in interest per increasing #ws (that is to say that for all
values of #ws, both d(interest)/d(#ws) > 0 and d2(interest)/d(#ws)2 < 0)—these will have to be points we
thresh out later.
1
Now bear with me, and this is what scares me, but recently this person I’m thinking
about, person A let’s call them, and I have been on OK terms, he having a moderate amount
of interest in my existence as a human being—living, breathing, capable of intelligent
conversation, maybe even a skillfully placed, rollicking good joke. I’d say most of the time
person A shows positive interest in me (i.e. usually f(# words spoken)>1). But the other day,
when I sit down at my desk which is next to my senior-most coworker, who is person A (who
!"#$%&'($)*$#+'#+#,-!+)#.$&)/01&2&)/3#.4$+(,&)/3#*+5+.1$#67#&)($11&/$)(#*6)2$4'+(&6)3#!+".$#$2$)#+#
has
become somewhat of a role model to me, incidentally), and say, “what’s up?”, person A
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looks
up from their iPhone, remains silent for a space, heaves a large sigh, and then stands
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up
and walks purposefully away. I follow in that direction half a minute later because I
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need
to find some goddamn piece of scrap paper I left over there and I find person A sitting
&)*&9$)(+11"@3#+)9#'+"3#E>,+(='#-5FG3#person!A#1668'#-5#746!#(,$&4#&H,6)$3#4$!+&)'#'&1$)(#764#+#'5+*$3#
on
some chair, iPhone in hand, face displaying casual attentiveness to iPhone. What gives?
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Maybe
a table will help me communicate my point. Take f(# words spoken, t) in Table 1,
person!A#'&((&)/#6)#'6!$#*,+&43#&H,6)$#&)#,+)93#7+*$#9&'51+"&)/#*+'-+1#+(($)(&2$)$''#(6#&H,6)$;#What!
where
t is, of course, time. See also Figure 2, where I plot the data from Table 1. f(# words
gives?#I+".$#+#(+.1$#>&11#,$15#!$#*6!!-)&*+($#!"#56&)(;#J+8$#f?#!words!spoken3#t@#&)#J+.1$#B3#
spoken,
t, person A) is steep! It’s unpredictable and makes me feel at a total loss.
>,$4$#t#&'3#67#*6-4'$3#(&!$;#K$$#+1'6#L&/-4$#M3#>,$4$#<#516(#(,$#9+(+#746!#J+.1$#B;#f?#!words!spoken3#t3#
person!A@#&'#'($$5NM#<(='#-)54$9&*(+.1$#+)9#!+8$'#!$#7$$1#+(#+#(6(+1#16'';#
#
Table
1. Trend in both # words spoken by person A or person B and the implied interest that person has
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for
me (arbitrary units) over time (arbitrary units, but something like days) in conversations from the
?+4.&(4+4"#-)&('@#62$4#time#?+4.&(4+4"#-)&('3#.-(#'6!$(,&)/#1&8$#9+"'@#&)#*6)2$4'+(&6)'#746!#(,$#4$*$)(#5+'(;#
recent
past.
#
t
(arbitrary units, but
something like days)
1
2
3
4
5
6
# words spoken
(literally)
person A
100
150
0.5a
195
51
20
person B
1598
1430
5b,c
5c
20
1400
interest
(arbitrary units)
person A
person B
4.61
5.01
-0.69
5.27
3.93
3.00
7.38
7.27
1.61
1.61
3.00
7.24
#
I’m counting the heaving sigh as 0.5 words
Notably
short, curt words
Q6(+.1"#',64(3#*-4(#>649'#
c*
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Theoretically,
this sharp dip could very well be due to some tiff between person B and self, but based on
1&((1$#5$4*$5(&2$#+.&1&("#<#96#,+2$#<#96)=(#$%5$*(#(,+(='#(,$#*+'$3#'6#)6(,&)/#,$4$#(6#(+8$#(,$#51+*$#67#!"#
what
little perceptive ability I do have I don’t expect that’s the case, so nothing here to take the place of my
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bewilderment
(or your bewilderment, I’m sure) by way of a simple explanation and a flick of the hand.
a
+<=!#*6-)(&)/#(,$#,$+2&)/#'&/,#+'#O;P#>649'#
b.
#
L&/-4$#M;#H16(#67#(4$)9#&)##!words!spoken#."#person!A!64#person!B#62$4#(&!$#?&)#+4.&(4+4"#-)&('3#'6!$(,&)/#1&8$#
9+"'@#&)#*6)2$4'+(&6)'#746!#(,$#4$*$)(#5+'(;#
Figure
2. Plot of trend in # words spoken by person A or person B over time (in arbitrary units,
something like days) in conversations from the recent past.
########################################################
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7-)*(&6)N#Q6($#(,$#'!66(,#*-42$#-'$9#(6#7&(#(,$#9+(+#56&)('#67##ws#."#person!B#9&5'#>$11#96>)#&)(6#
Doubtless you’ve noticed person B in Table 1 and Figure 2. Well, we’ll just keep her
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on
the backburner for now. Actually, with the way I’m feeling I’m not sure I even want to
2&61+($9#,$4$096)=(#.$#(4&*8$9#."#(,$#+55+4$)(#'!66(,)$''#67#f?#ws3#t3#person!B@;#
Not to mention the function relating to person B, which is almost sharp enough as not to be a function!
Note the smooth curve used to fit the data points of #ws by person B dips well down into negative
numbers (ca. -50 words) between t=3 and t=5, which is impossible. Natural laws are violated here—don’t
be tricked by the apparent smoothness of f(#ws, t, person B).
2
talk about person B here. Those precipitous drops (compare magnitude of drops in #ws by
person A vs. person B)—I don’t think I could stomach it. So let’s just move on—and here’s
the point, and both people bring up this point when these precipices in #ws occur, viz.: what
should my response be? I’m not talking about my response to them, but to myself. What
do these dips mean about what they think about me, whether or not they like me? Let me
head you off here—you could say, and I’ve said this to myself, believe me, that I’m overthinking it—that it’s both likely and totally reasonable that these people are just distracted by
other things in their life. But, let me tell you that it’s been laughably hard for me to imagine
a scenario like this with person A. And with regards to person B, who, it turns out, has
managed to resurrect herself in this story—without you having the luxury of being intimate
with the bulk experiences between myself and B, which I would not care (and am doubtful
you would either) to delve into, you’ll just have to take my word that questions like these are
damn hard to keep from surfacing—the end result being, I’m pretty embarrassed to admit,
that in these instances there’s some of it that I’ve let worry me.
So I start thinking about it, even though I’ve learned way before this not only that
you can think about these things ad nauseam, but also that these kinds of endeavors are
pretty much hopeless and not worth going into, because what can you actually divine from
them anyways? I know this, so I try to stop thinking about it so much. To turn off the sensor.
Stop collecting data all together. Hey buddy, we’re shutting down this machine. No funding
from the people up top, sorry. The funding is going elsewhere. Taste buds are high on the list.
Word is they’re likely to receive most, if not all of it, they’ve been performing very well lately,
much to the satisfaction of the higher authority.
You might also be thinking that I should just inquire about these dips if I care about
it this much. I haven’t done it. In the first instance (person A), because I’m almost sure that
asking would seem strangely demanding (me having z = 0 claim on his friendship), and
in the second case (person B rises once more), well I’m afraid I am forced to give you the
unsatisfying response that in this case I just get this firm conviction that it isn’t my place
to ask. I don’t know if you buy this. I don’t think I would if it was me reading this, I think I
would sort of condescendingly write me off as embarrassed to ask or something like that—
but as the writer I beg you not to judge me immediately here, just to be on my side, if only
for moral support. I don’t know what to say—I wonder if you’ve ever felt this way, despite it
seeming pretty illogical?
I gather myself, and I fear we’ve reached somewhat of an impasse here. It’s twice in a
row now that I’ve asked you to trust me, and maybe you feel cheated, but with this last thing
I think I can guarantee you some closure, if you’ll allow me to just change gears. Let me tell
you what’s so delectable about using something like this. The thing is, interest = f(# words
spoken, t) is steady for some people I know. These people that I’m thinking of are stabilizing
forces in my life because I can see this simple relationship at work. Ramp up the machine,
and full speed ahead. And secondly, the way I act toward people I think of not completely
unlike a function, and I become pretty guilty if it’s not smooth.
So here I am stuck. And all this, reader, on the inside, but, as I fully realize, cool,
cool on the outside.