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COWS
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor
has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't
stay in school.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have
two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd
of cows.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin it saying
you have downsized. Your stock goes up.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but
you don't know where they are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for
lunch. Life is good.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two
cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. While on strike you meet a beau-
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JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T
MY DATE WAS SO CHEAP, HE BACKED THROUGH THE TAKE OUT LANE SO THE CASHIER WOULD BE ON MY SIDE
NO GOD - NO PEACE
KNOW GOD - KNOW PEACE
NOT EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE COUNTED COUNTS, AND NOT EVERYTHING THAT COUNTS CAN BE COUNTED - ALBERT EINSTEIN
HOW?
It's the first day of school and the teacher told her
kindergarten class, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up a finger."
After a moment of quiet thought, a little boy in the
back of the class asked: "How will that help?"
WHAT?
Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an
efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each
day.
WHY?
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But, Mom! I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me
too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and
get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to
school."
"Well, for one, you're 42
years old. And number two
you're the PRINCIPAL!"
DO BIRDS REALLY “SING” OR ARE THEY ACTUALLY RELEASING TINY SCREAMS BECAUSE THEY’RE SCARED OF HEIGHTS?
A DAY HEMMED IN PRAYER IS LESS LIKELY TO UNRAVEL
* On May 9, 1671, in London, Thomas
Blood, an Irish adventurer known as
"Captain Blood," is captured trying to steal
the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London. King Charles was so impressed that
he made Blood a member of his court with
an annual pension.
* On May 13, 1985, in Philadelphia,
police drop a small bomb on the roof of a row house on Osage
Avenue in an attempt to end a standoff with the
radical cult group MOVE. The explosion
sparked a fire that killed 11 people and
burned down 61 homes.
* On May 15, 1942, legislation creating the
Women's Army Corps becomes law, granting women official military status. However,
it would not be until 1980 that 16,000 women
who had joined the early WACs would receive
veterans' benefits.
I PREFER TO NOT THINK BEFORE SPEAKING. I LIKE BEING JUST AS SURPRISED AS EVERYONE ELSE BY WHAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH
* On May 11, 1934, a massive storm sends
350 million tons of topsoil flying across the
parched Great Plains as far east as New York.
Even ships some 300 miles offshore saw dust
collect on their decks.
* On May 12, 1975, the American freighter
Mayaguez is captured by communist government forces in Cambodia. In response, President Gerald Ford
ordered the bombing of the Cambodian port where the gunboats had come from. Forty-one Americans died, most of
them in an accidental explosion during the attack.
* On May 10, 1869, the
presidents of the Union Pacific and Central Pacific railroads meet in Utah and drive
a ceremonial last spike into a
rail
line,
making transcontinental rail travel possible
for the first time.
* On May 14, 1999, President Bill Clinton apologizes directly to Chinese President Jiang Zemin on the phone for the
accidental NATO bombing of the Chinese embassy in Yugoslavia. The Chinese president had refused to accept a
phone call from Clinton for four days.
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.
A DAY HEMMED IN PRAYER IS LESS LIKELY TO UNRAVEL
SOMETIMES I GO TO WASHINGTON JUST TO VISIT MY MONEY
MY DOCTOR IS WONDERFUL; ONCE, WHEN I COULDN’T AFFORD AN OPERATION, HE TOUCHED UP THE X-RAYS
MY WAY IS THE HIGH WAY - GOD
I'M THE KIND OF GUY WHO WILL HAVE NOTHING ALL MY LIFE AND THEN THEY'LL DISCOVER OIL WHILE THEY'RE DIGGING MY GRAVE
GOING FAST WHEN YOU’RE LOST DOESN’T HELP A BIT
WHEN I PLAYED GOLF IN ARIZONA IT WAS 105 IN THE SHADE...WELL, 103 IF YOU FACTOR IN WIND CHILL
ELECTRICITY IS JUST ORGANIZED LIGHTNING - GEORGE CARLIN
GLORIOUS INDEED IS THE WORLD OF GOD AROUND US...BUT MORE GLORIOUS THE WORLD OF GOD WITHIN US
TRUE CHRISTIANITY WILL COST ONE HIS SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. HE MUST CAST AWAY ALL PRIDE AND HIGH THOUGHTS AND CONCEIT
I’M SO OLD; WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL THEY DIDN’T TEACH HISTORY
HOWEVER MANY HOLY WORDS YOU READ OR SPEAK...WHAT GOOD WILL THEY DO, IF YOU DO NOT ACT UPON THEM?
WHEN A MAN TELLS YOU THAT HE GOT RICH THROUGH HARD WORK, ASK HIM: 'WHOSE?'
ELECTIONS ARE WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT WHAT POLITICIANS STAND FOR AND POLITICIANS FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE WILL FALL FOR
BURN, BABY, BURN
Everyone had heard about the burning of witches in
Salem, Massachusetts. Fact is that there is no
evidence that anyone was burned at the stake
for witchcraft back there in the 1600’s. Most of
the so called ‘witches’ were executed by hanging.
Current theory is that both the townspeople and the
‘witches’ themselves were hallucinating from eating contaminated rye bread.
WRONG TURN
For sale, 8 week old female German Shepherd named Lexi.
Bought as a surprise for my wife, but it turns out she is allergic
to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home. She is
59 years old, drives, is a good cook and will keep your clothes
laundered and your house clean.
DIG IT
Two part time construction workers were told by their boss to
dig a hole eight feet deep. After they were done, the boss returned and explained the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up,"
he ordered.
They did as they had been told, but they couldn't
get all the dirt back in the hole without leaving
a mound. They saw the boss and told him the
problem. “We have an answer, Boss,” they
said, “We'll go back and dig the hole
deeper!"