ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
By Tim Brownell
Copyright © 2013 by Tim Brownell, All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60003-796-2
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ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
A One Act Comedy
Freely Adapted from William Shakespeare
By Tim Brownell
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SYNOPSIS: Three workout trainers bring their special brand of energy to a
pumped-up, modern retelling of Shakespeare’s classic tragedy of forbidden
love. This muscular trio of narrators take the audience on an extremely
(emphasis on ‘extreme’) hilarious journey that mashes up the Bard’s famous
lines with contemporary references.
Every character gets his own
soundtrack. The Capulets are greedily carnivorous tycoons and the
Montagues are folk-singing vegans. With dance breaks and stage battles,
this play will make younger performers fall in love with Romeo and Juliet.
tC
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(7 female, 8 male, 8 either, 0-10 extra; gender flexible)
Do
No
THE PUMPED-UP CREW
TITUS (m) ..................................... Muscular narrator with secret feelings
for Helga (46 lines)
HELGA (f) ..................................... Muscular narrator with secret feelings
for Titus (48 lines)
LARRY (m) ................................... Not-so-muscular, brainy narrator
(43 lines)
THE MONTAGUES
ROMEO (m) .................................. The Montague son who falls in love with
Juliet (91 lines)
BENVOLIO (m/f) .......................... Romeo’s cousin, a hippie (37 lines)
ABRAM (m/f) ................................ A Montague servant who loves peace
and vegetables (23 lines)
BALTHASAR (m/f) ...................... Another peace-loving, vegetarian
Montague servant (23 lines)
LORD MONTAGUE (m) .............. Romeo’s father, the lead singer of folk
band. Also plays caveman UG (23 lines)
LADY MONTAGUE (f) ................ Romeo’s mother, banjo player in the folk
band (19 lines)
2
BY TIM BROWNELL
Do
No
tC
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THE CAPULETS
JULIET (f) ..................................... The Capulet daughter who falls in love
with Romeo (60 lines)
TYBALT (m/f) ............................... Juliet’s cousin and leader of gang called
The Carnivores (32 lines)
NURSE (f) ..................................... Juliet’s Italian nanny and best friend.
Has a thick Italian accent.
(35 lines)
GREGORY (m/f) ........................... A Capulet servant and member of The
Carnivores (23 lines)
SAMPSON (m/f) ........................... Another Capulet servant Carnivore
member (22 lines)
LORD CAPULET (m) ................... Juliet’s father and President of Capulet
Cold Cuts. Also plays caveman WUG
(32 lines)
LADY CAPULET (f) ..................... Juliet’s mother and CEO of Capulet Cold
Cuts (28 lines)
THE TOWNSPEOPLE OF VERONA
PRINCE ESCALUS (m/f) ............. Captain of the Verona Police Force
(19 lines)
MERCUTIO (m/f) .......................... Romeo’s best friend with dance moves
like John Travolta (27 lines)
FRIAR LAWRENCE (m) .............. Romeo’s advisor and a clergyman
(32 lines)
PARIS (m) ..................................... Juliet’s suitor, a math major (19 lines)
ROSALINE (f) ............................... Romeo’s flirtatious ex (22 lines)
AMY APPLE (f) ............................ Anchor of a gossipy television show
(31 lines)
JOE THE MESSENGER (m) ......... A mailman and Rosaline’s current flame
(11 lines)
EXTRAS (m/f) ................................ 0-10, (Non speaking)
DURATION: 50 minutes
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ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
PROPERTY LIST
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tC
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Caveman clubs (Lords Capulet/Montague)
Piece of meat (Lord Capulet – no real food!)
Large vegetable (Lord Montague)
Wrapped meat products (Lord/Lady Capulet)
2 Red Sox/2 Yankee hats (Gregory/Sampson/Abram/Balthasar)
Small sketch pad (Sampson)
Bubbles (optional – Benvolio)
Swords (Lords, Servants, Tybalt, Romeo, Mercutio, Benvolio, Paris)
1-2 banjos (Optional - Lord/Lady Montague. Can actually play, or just
strum them)
Police baton and handcuffs (Prince Escalus)
Hacky Sack (optional – Montauges)
Boom box (Gregory – music is played through theater sound system.)
Video camera (Camera Person)
Microphone (Amy Apple)
Invitation (Lord Capulet)
Violin (Optional – Sampson)
Black licorice (Romeo)
Masks (All – Possible project for your students. Suggest that different
characters get different style masks based on their personalities)
Long, thin Red Carpet (Camera Person)
Trays of meat (Capulet Servants)
Poetry book (Mercutio)
Fortune-teller Cloak (Friar)
Hershey Kisses (Romeo/Juliet)
Handkerchief (Larry)
Gavel (Prince Escalus)
Veils (Juliet/Nurse)
Large Hershey’s Kiss (Juliet)
Potion (Friar)
Letter (Friar)
2 Cell phone (Messenger/Romeo)
Mountain Dew (Larry)
Rose (Paris)
Calculator (Paris)
Dagger (Romeo)
No
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4
BY TIM BROWNELL
COSTUMES
Do
No
tC
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TITUS and HELGA – Must have fake (or real, but harder to come by)
muscles. Biceps are obvious but thighs, rear, abs are great, too. Matching
outfits/uniforms/color schemes would be helpful, too. “Pumped Up
Crew” or “Pumped Up Shakespeare” logos could be a fun project.
LARRY – Matches Titus and Helga color scheme, but with no muscles.
Larry should look bookish. You can go classic suspenders, too-highpants, ill-fitting muscle shirt. Glasses seem like a good choice.
ROMEO – Should match Montague color palette but also suggest a
connection to Juliet. You might want to play up the stars in “star-crossed
lovers”
OTHER MONTAGUES – Hippies. Have fun: long hair, beads or peacesymbols, color tinted shades, baggy pants. Floral patterns. Find a color
palette, perhaps green. The Lord and Lady should look more well off
than the Servants.
JULIET – Should match Capulet color palette. See Romeo’s note.
TYBALT – A gang leader. Might want to give him black leather jacket
with “Carnivore” scrawled in red on the back. Also, cat-like.
LORD and LADY CAPULET – CEOs. Very business-minded, sleek.
Wealthy. Perhaps their color palette is black/red.
OTHER CAPULETS – Can go back and forth between aprons and tough
guy jackets.
PRINCE ESCALUS – Special forces cop. Should have a uniform look
about him, but sleeker than an average police uniform. Judge’s robe
would help for trial scene, but not necessary.
MERCUTIO – Colorful and flamboyant. Think John Travolta in Saturday
Night Fever.
FRIAR LAWRENCE – Friar Robe and cross are fine. He has an earthy
quality.
PARIS – Well-dressed but bland. Bow-tie. Hair perfectly parted.
Stopwatch. You get the idea.
ROSALINE – A temptress. Give her a flashy dress and jewelry. Spends a
long time on her look, including hair.
AMY APPLE – Overly done-up for the camera. Fashionable, gaudy.
JOE THE MESSENGER – A FedEx or UPS delivery man uniform. Feel
free to change his professional affiliation depending on which of the two
outfits is easier to create.
5
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
DIRECTOR’S NOTES
The shifts between Shakespearean and modern language should feel
seamless. Actors should not change or elevate their voice for heightened
Shakespearean language. Try to make the two elements flow.
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Make sure your actors understand exactly what they are saying when they
speak the actual Shakespearean verse. Much of the time it is explained by
the narrators or by context, but it is essential that they are clear on meaning.
Don’t assume they know what they’re talking about.
tC
There should be very few, if any, blackouts. The play should be fast moving
with minimal scenery or set changes. Any transitions should be covered by
the narrators’ dialogue, meaning have the narrators speaking while the
change is happening.
No
The narrators should have their own special area, probably one of the two
downstage corners. They don’t need to be onstage all the time but they
come in and out very quickly and should give the appearance that they are
following the story, even when they are unseen offstage.
Amy Apple does not need a Camera Person to accompany her, but if she
doesn’t have one the actor should practice “placing” the camera somewhere
in the audience. If you have extra students, someone might love to be the
Camera Person.
Do
Speaking of extras, you can give Tybalt more gang members and have other
Servants for both the Capulets and the Montagaues. The Capulet ball can
also have party guests who can appear at the trial and other group moments.
Comedy moves quickly, especially this one. Drill your actors on pacing.
Pauses should be placed carefully by the director (encourage your actors not
to pause unless for laughter or because you directed them to do so)
Have fun with the soundtrack. I have made suggestions but you may play
whatever you want. The actors should be aware of the music and allow their
physical energy to react to it. Also, they should not wait for the music to end
before speaking, but rather start speaking as it fades out.
6
BY TIM BROWNELL
The Nurse should have a comic accent. The suggestion is Italian but if your
actor is more comfortable with say, Scottish, that’s fine, too. Make sure it’s
not offensive!
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Certain actors, specifically Romeo and Juliet, will need to go fluidly back
and forth between comic and serious. Encourage them to commit to the
moments of genuine love and tragedy, as passionately as they commit to the
comedy. The play will work best if alongside the comedy runs sadness and
this will only work if your actors care about their onstage relationships.
Good luck and have fun!
PRODUCTION HISTORY
Do
No
tC
Romeo and Juliet, To The Max! was first produced with the Littlebrook
Elementary fifth grade in Princeton, NJ in the spring of 2005 as part of a
McCarter Theatre Education residency. It has since been adapted its current
form by the playwrights but some of the ideas and character names come
from the original group of student performers.
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ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
PROLOGUE
AT RISE: A loudspeaker address from offstage.
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TITUS: (Offstage.) Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, let’s get
readdyyyyy to rummmmble! And now…
HELGA: (Offstage.) Shakespeare. Pumped Up To the Max!
LARRY: (Offstage.) With your hosts, Titus, Helga, and Larry!
The PUMPED-UP CREW, TITUS, HELGA and LARRY, enter and flex
their muscles. LARRY is unimpressive.
Do
No
tC
TITUS: Yo, audience! Let’s get pumped…to the max!
HELGA: It’s On baby! Can you smell what the Helga is cooking?!?!?
LARRY: Ummm…salutations everybody.
TITUS: We are the buffest, the baddest, the meanest Shakespeare
crew EVER and we are here to–
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: PUMP, (Clap.) YOU UP!
HELGA: We all know that master playwright William Shakespeare
is…Da Man!
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Da Man!
TITUS: But man, he can be confusing, confounding, downright
perplexing and puzzling. But don’t worry–
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: We are here to (Clap.) help!
LARRY: We will pump you up, Shakespeare-style. Go
Shakespeare!
TITUS and HELGA: Shut it, Larry.
HELGA: After today, YOU will know the whole story of
Shakespeare’s classic tragedy of love–
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Romeo and Juliet! Huh! (They chest
bump.)
TITUS: But before we can pump you up, there is something you
need to know. Tell us, Helga, my lady.
HELGA: My pleasure, Titus.
Their eyes meet for a moment and then.
LARRY: Uhh…Helga, Titus?
8
BY TIM BROWNELL
HELGA: What? Oh, you need to know that Romeo and Juliet takes
place in the ab-tastic town of–
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Verona, Italy.
TITUS: Set the scene, Larry!
LARRY: Go, me! In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, there are
two wealthy families who hate each other very much.
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CAPULETS and MONTAGUES enter from opposite sides.
LARRY: They are the Capulet family…
CAPULETS: Capulets Rule!
LARRY: …and the Montague family!
MONTAGUES: Montagues Rock!
tC
Flashy rock and roll poses from the CAPULETS and MONTAGUES.
LARRY: Two families, both alike in DIGNITY…
Polite poses from the CAPULETS and MONTAGUES.
No
TITUS: The two families hated each other for a long time. From
ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Their hatred runs way back
to the time of the cave man.
Do
WUG CAPULET and UG MONTAGUE are there. They are cavemen
– played by the two LORDS
HELGA: The conflict between the two families began in 2020 B.C.
when Wug Capulet and Ug Montague had a terrible fight over
what to eat for dinner.
WUG: (Holds up meat and grunts.) Uhhh.
UG: (Holds up plant and grunts back.) Uhhh!
WUG: WUGGG!
UG: UGGG!
WUG and UG: W/UGGGGGGGGG!
HELGA: Fast forward to 1920 AD, the family conflict continues. Oh
yeah!
9
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
The actors fast forward.
LARRY: The Montague family is invited to a dinner party at the
Capulets.
CAPULETS strike “welcome” poses.
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HELGA: The Capulet family owns–
LORD CAPULET: The greatest meat-making company in all Verona!
Yes-siree, Bob! Yee-haw!
LADY CAPULET: That’s right, so buy your beef, and purchase your
pork products from Capulet’s Cold Cuts!
tC
CAPULETS change their pose to hold up their meat products.
Do
No
TITUS: The Capulets served a delicious meal of the best meats to
the Montagues, but little did they know that the Montagues were–
BALTHASAR: Vegetarians, dude!
CAPULETS: Vegetarians?
MONTAGUES: Vegetarians!
LARRY: So when the Capulets offered the meaty meal to the
Montagues, you can guess what happened:
LORD MONTAGUE: Rude!
MONTAGUES: RUDE!
LADY MONTAGUE: Offensive!
MONTAGUES: OFFENSIVE!
ABRAM: Even though we love peace, We Hate You!
MONTAGUES: Yeah, WE HATE YOU!
CAPULETS: WE HATE YOU TOO!
CAPULETS and MONTAGUES stomp off.
HELGA: When will the fighting stop? Can anything change their
hatred to love? Maybe the story of a pair of star crossed lovers
will–
10
BY TIM BROWNELL
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LARRY: Shhh…don’t giveth it away…eth. Gentle Audience, lean
forward in your seats, turn up your hearing aids, this is the onehour traffic of our stage: now is the time to see if the Capulets and
Montagues can ever stop fighting.
TITUS: And to find out if forbidden love can conquer hate! Picture
the town square of Verona. Present day. Summer. And it’s hot.
The Montague Servants run into the Capulet Servants in the town
square.
BALTHASAR, ABRAM, GREGORY and SAMPSON enter.
tC
HELGA: And now it’s time for us to-–
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Pump, (Clap.) You Up!
TITUS: With–
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: ROMEO AND JULIET. HUH!
THE TOWN SQUARE
No
GREGORY: Draw your tool, Sampson, here comes two of the house
of Montague!
SAMPSON bites his thumb at ABRAM and BALTHASAR.
Do
ABRAM: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
SAMPSON: I do bite my thumb, sir.
BALTHASAR: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
SAMPSON: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite
my thumb, sir.
TITUS: Freeze!
All SERVANTS freeze in thumb biting poses.
HELGA: Did you know that it is a big insult to bite your thumb at
somebody? Watch dis.
TITUS and HELGA bite their thumb at LARRY, who sniffles, upset.
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ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
TITUS: You see? Everybody who hates each other bites their
thumb. Like, vegetarians and meat-lovers! (Gesturing to the two
sides.)
LARRY: Yankees fans and Red Sox fans.
The sides turn their caps around to show their baseball affinities.
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TITUS: Dogs and cats…
The MONTAGUES and CAPULETS make dog and cat gestures at
each other.
tC
Unfreeze!!!
BALTHASAR: Draw, if you be men!
GREGORY: Draw!
SAMPSON: Okay dude! (Quickly takes out a pad and begins
sketching GREGORY.)
GREGORY: Don’t draw me, draw your swords!
No
All SERVNATS draw their swords and raises them when BENVOLIO
rushes in with his arms raised.
BENVOLIO: Part fools!
HELGA: Announcing Benvolio Montague, the hippie! He’s one
righteous dude.
Do
Bob Marley music comes on, BENVOLIO makes peace symbol at
the SERVANTS and tries to part them from fighting, maybe blows
bubbles, or something equally friendly. As the music fades.
BENVOLIO: Peace and love, dudes.
ABRAM and BALTHASAR: Peace and love!
BENVOLIO: Put up your swords, and your drawing pads, you know
not what you do. Where is the love?
TITUS: Announcing Tybalt Capulet, leader of the gang, the
Carnivores. You might want to hide your small children.
12
BY TIM BROWNELL
Bad to the Bone music comes on. TYBALT enters looking tough,
sneering, possibly frothing at the mouth and the CAPULET
SERVANTS stand behind him menacingly.
tC
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GREGORY and SAMPSON: Carnivores!
TYBALT: Turn thee Benvolio and look upon thy death.
BENVOLIO: I do but keep the peace!
TYBALT: Peace? I hate the word. As I hate vegetarians, all
Montagues, and thee!
GREGORY: Ooo, Benvolio, you’re in big trouble!
SAMPSON: Tybalt is buff!
GREGORY: Tybalt is dangerous!
SAMPSON: Tybalt smells pretty good!
TYBALT: Have at thee coward!
BENVOLIO and TYBALT: (Thumb war.) One, two, three, four, I
declare thumb war!
BENVOLIO and TYBALT have a thumb war combo sword fight
exchange.
No
LARRY: Announcing Lord and Lady Capulet! President and CEO of
Capulet’s Cold Cuts!
Pompous lordly music. LORD and LADY CAPULET enter. CAPULET
SERVANTS bow.
Do
LORD CAPULET: What noise is this? Give me my long sword! And
some beef jerky!
LADY CAPULET: A crutch a crutch! Why call you for a sword and
beef jerky?
LARRY: Announcing Lord and Lady Montague! Lead singers of a
folk band!
LORD and LADY MONTAGUE come on strumming banjos, a bit like
the group Peter Paul and Mary, without Paul.
MONTAGUE
SERVANTS bow.
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ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
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LORD MONTAGUE: Thou villain, Capulet! Hold me not, wife, let me
go!
LADY MONTAGUE: Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe!
LORD MONTAGUE: Everybody rumble!!!!
EVERYBODY: Yeah!
TYBALT: Wait! WAIT! We can’t fight…
BENVOLIO: That’s right! Good attitude, dude.
TYBALT: …without the fight music! Turn on the fight music!
GREGORY presses boom box and music from the movie Rocky or
some other fight song begins. There is a big rumble, until a whistle is
heard offstage. Everybody freezes mid-attack.
tC
TITUS: Announcing Prince Escalus, Captain of the Verona police
force!
PRINCE ESCALUS marches on to Bad Boys, Bad Boys.
Do
No
PRINCE ESCALUS: Rebellious subjects! Enemies to the Peace!
You men, you beasts! The fighting between the Capulets and
Montagues has gone too far! Why don’t you just sit down, drink
tea, and talk out your differences? Hear my royal decree! If ever
you disturb our streets again…your lives shall pay the forfeit of the
peace.
BALTHASAR: In plain English please.
PRINCE ESCALUS: You blockhead! It means if any of you is caught
fighting, the sentence is death. (Makes menacing throat slash.)
You all should be ashamed of yourselves! (Exits.)
LORD CAPULET: Butter my biscuits, the Prince means business!
Don’t make us bite our tongue at you, again, Montagues!
CAPULETS: Yeah!
LADY CAPULET: Thumb.
LORD CAPULET: Don’t make us bite our thumb at you again
Montagues!
CAPULETS: Yeah!
LORD MONTAGUE: Don’t make me steal your pigs, Capulets!
MONTAGUES: Huh?
14
BY TIM BROWNELL
LORD MONTAGUE: And then set them free to roam and live
amazing pig lives roaming and eating compost and not BEING
TURNED INTO BACON!
CAPULETS: No!
MONTAGUES: Yeah!
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Everybody exits making angry eyes and gestures at each other.
MONTAGUE SERVANTS and BENVOLIO remain onstage recounting
the rumble to each other. AMY APPLE and CAMERA PERSON rush
on in the midst of a news broadcast.
No
tC
AMY APPLE: Late breaking news! Late breaking news! And it’s just
too fabulous for words! I’m Amy Apple- and this is “Fashion and
Family Feuds!” Woo–I’m perspirating because the Montagues and
Capulets are at this very moment fighting a rumble behind me!
Let’s watch. (Turns around.) Hey, where’d they go?
BALTHASAR: The fight’s over, dude.
ABRAM: Yeah reporter dude, you missed it.
BENVOLIO: When you said LATE breaking news, you were right
dude!
The MONTAGUES laugh.
Do
AMY APPLE: Oh! (Smiles at camera.) Fabulous. In that case, let’s
find out what we missed. You there, guy who doesn’t appear to
have showered in weeks, can I talk to you? Great. What
happened here?
BENVOLIO: That beast Tybalt started a rumble.
ABRAM: We hate him!
BALTHASAR: But we love peace, so we just watched.
BENVOLIO, ABRAM and BALTHASAR: Peace and love.
PRINCE ESCALUS stalks through, looking for trouble.
AMY APPLE: Prince Escalus! Fabulous Prada billy-club, Prince!
How do you plan on stopping the violence in Verona?
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ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
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PRINCE ESCALUS: First of all, I plan on shouting at people a lot! I
feel that yelling at people really gets the message across.
Second, just to remind your viewers, I will sentence anyone who I
catch fighting, to death! (Menacing throat slash gesture.)
AMY APPLE: Thank you for obliterating my eardrums and reminding
us of that, Prince.
PRINCE ESCALUS: No problem!
PRINCE exits as LORD and LADY CAPULET enter.
The
MONTAGUES quickly move to the side, playing hacky sack or
something.
No
tC
AMY APPLE: Lord and Lady Capulet, care to comment on the feud
between your family and the Montagues?
LORD CAPULET: Forget the feud fer a sec cause, my honey and I
are hosting a soiree, a pig roast, a party!
LADY CAPULET: That’s right! My husband and I are hosting a
Capulet family ball tonight. It’s sure to be a smash! This night we
hold an old accustom'd feast, whereto we have invited many a
guest–
LORD CAPULET: Such as I love; and you, among the store, one
more, most welcome, makes my number more. Oh and butter my
biscuits, I almost forgot. It’s a mask party, so wear your snazziest
mask, and we’ll see you there! Except, NO MONTAGUES
ALLOWED!
Do
They hand AMY APPLE an invitation and turn to go.
AMY APPLE: Fabulous, tell me more!
AMY APPLE follows the CAPULETS off. ROMEO enters moping.
TITUS and HELGA enter, LARRY trails.
TITUS: Hey, Helga, you know who that muscly beefcake is?
HELGA: Oh Titus, look at his rock-solid abs. It must be Romeo
Montague.
TITUS: Announcing Romeo Montague!
16
BY TIM BROWNELL
A subdued wave from ROMEO.
op
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HELGA: Dat’s right, Titus. Romeo must have spent a long time in
the pump-atorium, because he is so jacked. Huh!
LARRY: Actually, friends, Romeo is famous in Verona for his sense
of poetry, passion and intellect. NOT, his muscles.
TITUS and HELGA: Shut it, Larry.
LARRY: And Romeo is very sad, miserable even, because the love
of his life has rejected him. Many a morning hath he been seen,
with tears augmenting the fresh morning dew.
A tear from ROMEO.
tC
Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs. (A sigh.)
TITUS pulls LARRY offstage as ROMEO is approached by
BENVOLIO.
Do
No
BENVOLIO: Good-morrow, cousin.
ROMEO: Ay me! Sad hours seem long.
BENVOLIO: What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?
ROMEO: Not having that, which, having, makes them short. The
woman I love just dissed me big time.
BENVOLIO: Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, should be so
tyrannous and rough in proof! What happened?
ROMEO: Everything was going so great with my lady love,
Rosaline…
TITUS and HELGA peak their heads in.
TITUS and HELGA: Rosaline????
TITUS: What happened to Romeo and Julie–
LARRY: Shh, watch and see.
ROMEO: Everything was great with Rosaline, til she abruptly
dumped me. I tried everything to get her back, to woo her.
HELGA peaks in with LARRY.
17
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
HELGA: What does woo mean?
LARRY: It means flirt!
HELGA: (Secretly.) I wish Titus would woo me.
HELGA and LARRY exit.
op
y
BENVOLIO: What did you do?
ROMEO: I read her sweet love poetry. Watch, I’ll show you in a
flashback.
ROSALINE enters to music, something from BEYONCE perhaps.
No
tC
ROMEO: Rosaline, I wrote you a poem to express my love for thee.
ROSALINE: Ok Snookums, that’s great. Make it snappy!
ROMEO: (Clears throat, under pressure.) Your eyes are like…
(Searching.) dirty swimming pools, when my lips touch yours they
(Lost again.) feel like thorns on a rose’s stem, your nose is as big
as a softball, and your ears–
ROSALINE: Stop it!
ROMEO: Yowzers!
ROSALINE: Now get out of my way, I have better things to do.
ROMEO: Don’t go my chocolate cupcake, please don’t.
BENVOLIO: Ouch, dude. What did you do next?
ROMEO: I tried dancing with her.
Do
ROMEO points to SAMPSON who plays a violin, or hums or
something. ROMEO and ROSALINE start dancing. ROMEO clumsily
steps on ROSALINE’S foot.
ROSALINE: OWWW! I think my toe is broken! Doofus!
TITUS and LARRY peak in.
TITUS: What a total wuss. One time, a 400 pound dumbbell fell on
my toe and I didn’t cry.
LARRY: Don’t interrupt.
TITUS and LARRY exit
18
BY TIM BROWNELL
ROMEO: I even tried wooing her with gifts. Rosaline, please accept,
as a token of my love, some black licorice.
ROSALINE: I hate black licorice!!!
ROMEO: Not the licorice!
ROSALINE: Yes, now get out of my sight!
Wait.
ROMEO steps forward, elated.
op
y
ROMEO steps back.
No
tC
I just wanted to confirm that you will be waiting for me so that at
any moment in my life I can come back to you.
ROMEO: That doesn’t sound very fair. How about you like me now?
ROSALINE: That’s not going to happen. I only want you as a
backup. If I have no one else to go to a dance with, I know that
you’ll be able to go. You’ll be waiting. (Bats eyes.) Will that be all
right?
ROMEO: Who else would you go to a dance with?
ROSALINE: Oh, I don’t know, how about…
She snaps her fingers. The song It’s Raining Men begins and every
available man struts on and forms a line.
Do
…hello, boys!
MEN: Helloooo, Rosaline!
ROSALINE: Romeo, if it doesn’t work out with…
MEN: all the men go down the line quickly saying their name until…
ROSALINE: If it doesn’t work out with (Lists their names, points to
several men in the audience and names them, too.) then you have
permission to woo me again.
ROMEO: What do these dudes have that I don’t?
ROSALINE: Well…
All of the MEN flex. ROSALINE coughs at her men in the audience
who maybe will flex, too.
19
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
ROMEO: Oh.
ROSALINE: Very well, Romeo, I’m done with you. You are free to
go. Tata.
ROSALINE and the boys head off to It’s Raining Men.
op
y
ROMEO: Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here. This is not Romeo,
he's some other where.
HELGA enters.
tC
HELGA: Announcing, Mercutio, nephew to Prince Escalus and
distant cousin to John Travolta!
ROMEO, BENVOLIO, ABRAM and BALTHASAR: Mercutio!!!
HELGA is off. MERCUTIO struts onstage to Stayin’ Alive.
Do
No
MERCUTIO: Come, friends, we burn daylight. Romeo, let’s get you
to the Capulet party so you can disco it up! Freaky! Check out
these moves! (Does some cool dance moves.)
ABRAM: Mercutio rocks!
MERCUTIO: You know it, crazy cool cats, I live to give. It’s just good
to be alive, right? I wanna live forever! So Romeo, borrow
Cupid's wings, and soar with them above a common bound.
ROMEO: Nah.
MERCUTIO: Yo bro, what’s with the negative tude, dude? Gentle
Romeo, we must have you dance.
BENVOLIO: Romeo is sick in love, adding to clouds more clouds
with his deep sighs.
MERCUTIO: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, if love be rough with you, be rough
with love; what care I for love!
ROMEO: But Mercutio, I dream'd a dream to-night.
MERCUTIO: And so did I.
ROMEO: What was yours?
MERCUTIO: That dreamers often lie.
ROMEO: But I have been dreaming of my sweet Rosaline.
20
BY TIM BROWNELL
MERCUTIO: Dreams! Oh how I hate dreamers! I see Queen Mab
hath been with you.
Snaps his fingers and spooky music begins.
Music scratches out.
tC
op
y
She is the fairies midwife, queen of dreams and she comes
athwart men’s noses, her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat, her
whip of cricket’s bones and she comes to lawyers and they dream
on–
SERVANTS: FEES!
MERCUTIO: And she comes to lovers and they dream on–
SERVANTS: KISSES!
MERCUTIO: Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues! This is
she, this is she, this is–
ROMEO: Peace, peace Mercutio, peace.
Do
No
Thou talk’st of nothing.
MERCUTIO: True, I talk of dreams. The stuff of nothing. Nothing.
But. Air. (Breaks the somber mood.) So forget your dreams and
don’t worry.
BENVOLIO: Don’t worry–
ROMEO: (To himself.) I fear, for my mind misgives, some
consequence yet hanging in the stars that someone dear to me
will face untimely death.
BENVOLIO: Be happy.
ROMEO: All right, let’s do it! I’m in. To the party
MERCUTIO: Masks on friends. Hands in the middle. Ready–
All put their hands together.
ALL: To the Party!
BENVOLIO: Strike, drum!
They exit the stage singing Don’t Worry, Be Happy. The PUMPEDUP CREW enters.
21
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
TITUS: Does everybody know what time it is? It’s time to–
TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: PUMP, (Clap.) you up!
HELGA: By taking you to the Capulet Mask Ball! Everybody look
under your seat, if you’ve got a mask there, put it on now!!!! And
get pumped! To the max!
op
y
THE BALL
CAPULET SERVANTS are making preparations on the floor,
including a red carpet. LORD and LADY CAPULET are on the side
with PARIS. AMY APPLE and CAMERWOMAN rush on.
Do
No
tC
AMY APPLE: Oh Fabulous, fabulous. The Capulet Red Carpet.
Here we have Lord and Lady Capulet talking to a fabulously
wealthy and fabulously single young man named, Paris.
PARIS: But now, my Lord and Lady, what say you to my suit?
LADY CAPULET: Ah Paris, the time has come, for you to woo my
daughter, and become my son.
PARIS: Thank you, my lady. I consider myself the perfect match for
your Juliet. I can think of no man better suited to woo her, than
me. Why, I am rich, brilliant and have above-average looks.
LORD CAPULET: Paris, that’s just what I like to hear from a future
son-in-law. Confidence. But, young man, if she doesn’t love you,
you won’t marry her, you hear? It’s the gal’s choice.
HELGA: What a nice dad. I wish my dad would let me marry who I
choose. (Looks at TITUS longingly.)
LARRY: Lord Capulet is nice now, but he’ll sing a different tune later.
PARIS: Oh dear, I must confess, I have never woo-ed a lady before.
They always woo me. I have mastered academic skills, but I am
an apprentice at love. How shall I woo her?
LADY CAPULET: With sweet confections and a heart that stirs.
Make your intentions known to her.
PARIS: I’m listening.
LORD CAPULET: Bring her candy and tell her you like her.
PARIS: Lord and Lady, if you approve of me, and how couldn’t you,
why wouldn’t you, than I will win your daughter’s hand in marriage.
LORD/LADY CAPULET: We approve!
22
BY TIM BROWNELL
They move off as JULIET, having overheard, gasps in Disapproval.
AMY APPLE spots JULIET.
Do
No
tC
op
y
AMY APPLE: Oh, this is too fab-o. This is the lady we have all been
waiting to see, Juliet Capulet!
NURSE: Ahem.
AMY APPLE: And her Nurse!
HELGA: Like a hospital nurse?
LARRY: More like a nanny.
JULIET: Did you hear that Nurse?! Paris and my dad making plans
for my marriage!
NURSE: That I did-eh, my Juliet-eh. It was-ah, like a cold bowl of
pasta rigatoni on a hot summer day.
JULIET: But Nurse, my much older and only friend, it is a blessing I
dream not of.
NURSE: Oh Signorina, if I were not thine only nurse, I would say
thou hadst suck’d all the wisdom from thy teat!
JULIET: Gross. Listen, I’ll look to like, if looking liking move–
NURSE: Buono, buono!
JULIET: But vain Paris seeks me for his love. And he’s the worst.
NURSE: A man, young lady! Lady, such a man as all the world-why, he's a man of wax.
JULIET: As boring as wax.
NURSE: Speak briefly, can you like of Paris' love?
JULIET: I'll look to like, if looking liking move.
NURSE: That’s-a more like it.
They move to side. ROSALINE struts on followed by MEN, if
available, if not, she can make eyes at her men in the audience.
AMY APPLE: Oh, this is just too much! It’s Miss Rosaline, Romeo
Montague’s ex-girlfriend, and her fair suitors! Rosaline, is there
truth to the rumor that you’re on the outs with Rrrrrrromeo?
ROSALINE: Who invited the paparazzi to this party? Out of my way,
lady.
AMY APPLE: But Miss Rosaline, you were seen putting “the moves”
on another man. C’mon dish, sister.
23
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
ROSALINE: Moves? You wanna see moves? Check this out.
She snaps and music begins. ROSALINE and her MEN complete an
impressive dance sequence that they’ve clearly had prepared for a
while.
op
y
ROSALINE: And you can quote me!
PRINCE ESCALUS enters and people move to avoid him.
No
tC
AMY APPLE: And here’s Prince Escalus, looking scary and
unfashionable.
PRINCE ESCALUS: It’s okay, people. I’m off-duty. BUT NO
FIGHTING! Paris lad, come over here. I’ve heard YOU’RE
AFTER MISS JULIET!
PARIS: Keep it down, jeeze.
PRINCE ESCALUS: How will you win her heart?
PARIS: Well, what if I tell her about my spelling bee trophy from the
third grade. Will that "woo" her?
PRINCE ESCALUS: Doubtful. Just don’t be yourself.
Others wander through, TYBALT is now seen.
Do you plan on,
Do
AMY APPLE: Oh, Tybalt, you look smashing!
smashing, anyone tonight? Hah-hah!
TYBALT: MIGHTY Tybalt to you.
JULIET runs over to greet her favorite cousin.
JULIET: Hi Cuzzie Tybalt!
TYBALT: That’s Mighty Cuzzie Tybalt!
JULIET: Nice mask, cuz.
TYBALT: Thank you, I slayed the lion myself.
Others enter including ROMEO, BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO, all in
mask.
24
BY TIM BROWNELL
tC
op
y
AMY APPLE: And here we have some more fabulous guests. It’s–
It’s–ummm, what’s your name?
ROMEO: Uhhh, Roooo, Roberto. And these are my friends–
BENVOLIO: Benvamin.
MERCUTIO: Cermutio.
AMY APPLE: Never heard of you. Fabulous. Moving away from the
unrecognizable no-name peasant. (Quite obviously moves away.)
ROMEO: I look ridiculous. This party is terrible.
MERCUTIO: Come Romeo, we must have you dance!
ROMEO: Not I. You have dancing shoes with nimble soles but I
have a soul of lead.
BENVOLIO: Lead? Heavy. You worry too much Romeo. Deep
down inside these Capulets are peace-loving, generous, good
people just like–EWWWW! Look at all that meat!
CAPULET SERVANTS have moved through with trays.
No
These people are cretins!
MERCUTIO: Chill out guys, we've got to find Rosaline and convince
her to take back our man.
ROMEO: Who–
MERCUTIO: You know, Rosaline.
ROMEO: is that?
Do
ROMEO’S tongue falls out of his open mouth as he points at JULIET
who is yawning, trying to stay awake, while talking to PARIS.
PARIS: So then I was like, no silly PI is 3.141848040220–
JULIET sees ROMEO and glides towards him, away from PARIS,
who keeps on talking, love music begins and other guests go in slowmotion.
5850202910…
JULIET: Hey, I’m Juliet.
ROMEO: I Romeo am, it's meet to good you. I mean, it's good to
meet you, I mean it's good that you have so much meat.
25
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
MERCUTIO: What he means is (Reads nice copy of Romeo and
Juliet.) “His lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that
rough touch with a tender kiss.”
ROMEO: Yeah, what he said. Kiss you, me do?
JULIET: Yes.
op
y
Their “kiss” is hidden by MERCUTIO holding up his book.
You kiss by the book.
NURSE busts through.
tC
NURSE: Scusami! Un momento! Get your dirty paws off of my
Juliet.
ROMEO: But I–
NURSE: Her Mother is the Lady of the house, sir.
To JULIET, as ROMEO has mistakenly taken his mask off and
NURSE recognizes him.
No
He is a Montague, the vegetarian enemy of your meat-loving
family. You must never see him again.
JULIET: My only love sprung from my only hate! But he’s really
cute!
Do
TYBALT stomps over.
TYBALT: Romeo Montague?! This is a Capulet only party. And now
I’m going to…
Audience gasps.
…challenge you to a dance off.
Bigger gasp.
Whoever loses, leaves.
ROMEO: Come on then Tyblit.
26
BY TIM BROWNELL
op
y
MERCUTIO: It’s a dance off folks!
ROMEO: Do the Funky Chicken, Tyblit.
TYBALT: It's Tybalt! The Mighty Tybalt! And you will never beat my
groove moves, Romeo. Check out this, Michael Jackson’s
moonwalk.
SAMPSON: You just got served, Montague!
ROMEO: That's pretty good Giblet, but not good enough. Your
moonwalk is no match for my Gangnam style.
BENVOLIO: This is getting out of hand!
GREGORY: Somebody’s gonna get hurt!
TYBALT: How bout your peeps, Romeo? Can they move like this?
MERCUTIO: Oh, now it’s on!
tC
MONTAGUES dance against CAPULETS, perhaps to the Ball music
from West Side Story. Finally, everyone exits exhausted, as night
falls. The PUMPED-UP CREW enter.
Do
No
TITUS: That really pumped (Clap.) me up, Larry.
LARRY: This is even better. Juliet, aglow in moonlight on her
balcony, gazing at stars, dreaming, yearning, for Romeo.
HELGA: That’s a balcony? [*It is an upper level of some sort. Can
be as simple as a cube. Line may be cut if director is proud of
balcony.]
LARRY: Use your imagination! Juliet blesses the world with one of
the most famous speeches in all of literature.
THE BALCONY
JULIET: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy
father and refuse thy name. Also, deny thy salad and savor our
steak. But if thou will not, then I will deny the lamb and beef and
mutton by which I have lived. I'll even deny the filet mignon.
ROMEO: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is
the east, and Juliet is the sun.
ROMEO whistles. JULIET spots him.
27
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
op
y
JULIET: Oh honey bunny! If only you weren't a Montague, and a
vegetarian, ewww.
ROMEO: I'm not a Montague, if you don't want me to be one,
sweetie pie. I want to give you the stars and the moon!
JULIET: And I you! My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love
as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are
infinite.
ROMEO: O, that I were a glove upon your hand that I may touch
your cheek!
JULIET: O, gentle Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.
ROMEO: Oh Juliet, I can tell you I love you in a thousand different
ways. Listen:
tC
COMPANY MEMBERS come in and pronounce love lines they have
written.
Do
No
JULIET: Not bad.
ROMEO: Marry me babe.
NURSE: (Calling from offstage.) What, Juliet!!! What, ladybird!
JULIET: One moment Nurse! I would marry you, but my parents–
ROMEO: We’ll keep our love a secret. Nobody has to know. Maybe
it will even bring our families together. End the feud.
NURSE: (Calling from offstage.) What, Juliet!
JULIET: You could be on to something, pumpkin. I’ll marry you!
ROMEO: Yess!! Score one for the R-Miester! I know a guy, Friar
Lawrence, who’ll make it happen. C’mon!
JULIET “climbs” down balcony to ROMEO.
enters.
They flee.
NURSE
NURSE: Juliet? Where’d she go? Ay! You out there! Where’d she
go?
Someone tells her.
Grazie. A Nurse’s work is never done.
NURSE exits, while the PUMPED-UP CREW enters.
28
BY TIM BROWNELL
They stare fondly at each other.
op
y
TITUS: With Nurse on their heels, off they went to see the Friar.
Does he ‘fry’ people? Like da terminator?
LARRY: The Friar is like a religious guy. He runs a church
HELGA: Also the guy you go to for advice, like a therapist.
TITUS: So, if there was someone me, Titus, wanted to marry, I could
go to the Friar.
HELGA: Yeah, you could,
LARRY: Snap out of it.
TITUS and HELGA: Shut it, Larry.
tC
FRIAR enters counseling TYBALT.
FRIAR LAWRENCE’S CHAMBER
Do
No
FRIAR: Tybalt, you’re letting your temper get the best of you.
Tybalt–baby, settle down. You’re aggro-masculinity is aggravating
me. You can’t stab the guy just because he wears white after
Labor Day. Even if he is a Montague. Find another way to work
out your anger.
TYBALT: With a meat-heavy diet and a daily protein shake, I can
rebuild the moral fabric of this country. And, I’ll kill that Romeo for
invading Carnivore turf. Time’s up, doc! (Storms off.)
FRIAR: That didn’t go well. I wouldn’t want to be Romeo Montague.
Next!
NURSE rushes on.
NURSE: Buon Giorno Friaririno. Have you seen my Juliet-o? She’s
run off with Romeo, I think to come here-o.
FRIAR: Not yet, but let’s talk about how that makes you feel.
He exits with NURSE, consoling her. ROMEO and JULIET enter.
29
ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!
ROMEO: Juliet, my lady love, this is it.
JULIET: Romeo, my manly love, we have to hurry. My Nurse is
hunting for us. I’m sure of it. She’s very persistent. For an old
lady. Old folks, many feign as they were dead, unwieldy, slow,
heavy and pale as lead.
op
y
FRIAR enters with the NURSE, aside.
FRIAR: Quick, throw this fortune-teller disguise on.
NURSE: Why?
FRIAR: Try to talk some astrological sense into them. Romeo’s
obsessed with destiny and fate.
ROMEO: Good morrow Father!
tC
NURSE tosses on cloak and adopts a pose.
Do
No
FRIAR: Romeo! What early tongue so sweet saluteth me? Young
son, it argues a distemper'd head, so soon to bid good morrow to
thy bed.
ROMEO: I have been feasting with mine enemy, where on a sudden
one hath wounded me, that's by me wounded. Both our remedies,
within thy help and holy physic lies.
JULIET: Father, I am the daughter of Lord Capulet, the Cold Cut
Baron. My love is set on Romeo and his on me.
FRIAR: Holy Saint Francis, what a change is here! But your
families–
JULIET: But this alliance may so happy prove to turn our
household’s rancor into pure love.
ROMEO: Will you marry us in secret? Right now.
FRIAR: What about the fair Rosaline?
JULIET: Who’s Rosaline, huh?!?!
ROMEO: Never mind her. Friar, will you?
FRIAR: I will, but first–
NURSE: Would you like to have your palms read?
ROMEO: Oh, yes! What do you see? (Holds out hand.)
NURSE: Come close boy, closer.
NURSE whispers something in ROMEO’S ear.
30
BY TIM BROWNELL
Thank you for reading this free excerpt from ROMEO AND JULIET, TO
THE MAX! by Tim Brownell. For performance rights and/or a complete
copy of the script, please contact us at:
Do
No
tC
op
y
Brooklyn Publishers, LLC
P.O. Box 248 • Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52406
Toll Free: 1-888-473-8521 • Fax (319) 368-8011
www . b r ookp ub . c om
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