FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT
PROGRAMME
Social Work Department
NEWSLETTER JULY 2014
Welcome to our July newsletter. This month’s topic explored the
dilemma of what to say or do when well-meaning people make
insensitive and hurtful comments to grieving parents. RCH Palliative
Care Social Worker Jeanne Chase joined us to help us think through this
difficult topic.
Responding to the Comments of Well –Meaning
People—Dealing With The Shock
It was a large group this month and there is an “endpoint” to the loss
participants shared their many and that grieving parents continuing to
varied experiences of being on the carry through their life.
receiving end of this sort of blunder.
Yet
parent
articulated:
she’s not here, for the rest of my
she feels when people expect you to
life”.
be celebrating life with your family
One mother had been told by her
when, since her child’s death, the
table
one
“Every single day I wake up and
One mother talked about how angry
family feels like “a
as
mother-in-law that a year after
with
losing her newborn baby, she should
three legs”.
now be feeling better and getting on
Many parents expressed that the
with her life.
worst thing is the pressure to “get
The group agreed that these kind of
over it” within a timeframe that
comments can be deeply hurtful.
others feel is right.
This mother noted that these
Many people who have not
comments were made in the context
experienced the overwhelming grief
of the history of earlier generations,
of losing a child, have expectations
when infant and child mortality was
of how long it should take, or that
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more common and perhaps seen as r e f l e c t e d
a brutal but inescapable part of life.
on this
notion
Nevertheless, such comments cause
stating she
pain to the grieving parent and it is
“knew
difficult to know how to respond.
what this
One parent spoke of the insensitivity meantof people who asked to use objects she
belonging to her child who had means my
passed away, not realising their
sister is up there and now we’re
ongoing significance to the family.
living here, in hell”.
Others commented that many
However, another mother spoke of
people offer their beliefs including
how she sometimes likes to see
“religion
other children play with her
promising
a
second
life”, but you really just want to
daughter’s toys, as she feels her
say: “What’s
daughter would have approved of
wrong
with
this
life?”
this.
One father whose son died earlier
It was discussed that often it is the
this year stated: “When he was
way things are done or said
suffering we wanted him to go
rather than the words or actions
peacefully, but now we’ve
themselves which makes them
forgotten that and we want him
hurtful or ok.
back”.
One parent spoke of their experience This father spoke of how on the
of being told “God only takes the surface he is able to get on with
good ones”, which was felt to be things and seem “ok”, but that
extremely unhelpful.
because of this, people often think it
One
mother, is fine to keep talking – and then
who has heard end up saying the wrong thing.
a similar
It was mentioned that often men
comment,
shared
her
were expected to be “ok” and not
that
given space by their peers to talk
elder
about their loss or have it
daughter
acknowledged, and that often people
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forget or feel unable to ask them incomprehensible, and struggle to
about what they are going through.
find a way of
responding to.
Several parents spoke of the
Jeanne stated
assumption of those who are not
that
grieving that another child could
“sometimes
replace the child who has died.
friends and
Many had had the upsetting
family may not
experience of hearing “At least you
know how to
have… [your other child/children]”,
extend
a line all grieving parents felt to be
emotional
abhorrent.
support
because
they
have never experienced such
However some parents who have
powerful grief.
other children acknowledged that,
Some people do not have the skill or
whilst their lost child’s position in the
awareness to be there”.
family can never be replaced, the
One mother stated, in relation to the
siblings often gave them a reason to
importance
go on.
of
anniversaries,
“I
don’t expect them to
One mother stated that for a long
understand; I live it every single
time in her grief she was too deeply
day”.
distressed to be fully present for her
Another stated “It’s a tsunami, it
living child, but that over time she
hits you, it’s calm for a bit, then
has been able to “become a
it hits you again”.
mother again, not just a
caregiver”.
Some parents spoke about the
It was acknowledged that the
importance of educating people and
confrontation teaching them about what is
with the
supportive, what the priorities are.
rawness
and “Two years on, I try to steer the
pain
of
a conversation”. “It’s important to
grieving
try to help people understand,
parent is
pave the way”.
s o m e t h i n g Another parent felt “You’ve got to
that
many pity people, because they don’t
people find
know”,
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w h i l s t “from the beginning”.
others felt
Sometimes it was important for
that they
parents
should
not
to
to
feel
the
“emptiness”
where their child used to be.
have
deal All parents agreed that words are
with
not always necessary or possible.
people’s insensitivity.
The parents shared many examples
of when the most support is given
Many felt very angry with those who
by actions or gestures rather than
did not understand and at times felt
words:
like swearing at them to go away.
“The people that just give you a
Some parents wished they could
hug are the ones that are true”.
have an automatic word or phrase
Kind gestures were mentioned, such
handy, to respond to hurtful
as an empty card with money to
comments, but it was acknowledged
lessen financial burden, or making
that because grieving is so particular
meals
to each grieving parent, each has to
for
the
grieving
family,
“people who are just present,
respond to these things in his/her
can imagine the shoes of the
own style – whilst the grieving is
parent and step in”.
universal, each person’s way of
One parent observed that the people
dealing with people’s comments is
who were able to say “I can’t say
different.
anything”
were often the most
Sometimes the social occasions and helpful.
significant days like Christmas are Many parents in the group had found
particularly difficult for grieving
parents and many group participants
spoke of their need to be careful
about what they chose to attend.
One mother stated that she was only
just learning to be able to say “no”
to certain events which she knew
would be too hard, and wished she
had been able to do this
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that they had lost friends because of 2013,
LA
those friends’ inability to sensitively T i m e s ) .
respond to their grief.
Kvetch is the
This was often upsetting and also Yiddish word
made some of the grieving parents meaning
feel guilty, particularly when the “to complain” (persistently), and the
friend was a parent of a child who kvetch circle is a means of
was close to the child who died, as structuring who should say what to
they wondered whether their child whom in a time of crisis, to avoid
would have wanted the contact to saying the wrong thing to people
continue.
who are likely to be hurt by their
However, as Jeanne commented:
words.
these situations are not the fault of Parents described how it involves a
the grieving parent and one needs to series of rings at the centre of which
do whatever is necessary for
is the person going through the
self-care whilst in the midst of grief.
trauma, who is able to say what s/
he wants to anyone, then in the next
Also, although many parents had
circle is the closest significant other,
lost friends because of these issues
then the next closest, etc.
of insensitivity, many stated that
People can speak without inhibition
they had found support in
to those in their own circle or those
unexpected places, and had made
in larger circles.
new friends who were able to
This conveys symbolically “dumping
provide support.
out” the unprocessed or hurtful
Parents brought up the notion of the responses from people, and drawing
“Kvetch circle” (Silk & Goldman, what gives comfort into your circle.
Some parents had found that this
was helpful in guiding their relatives
and friends around comments, when
to speak and who to speak to.
As one parent expressed, the grief
and sense of loss for the child who
died “is a forever thing for us”.
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The profound ongoing impact of this
loss was spoken about in many
At the end of the group one mother
different ways in this group, and it shared a thought which she had
was acknowledged that whilst
found helpful:
bereaved parents share many
“Grief is the price you pay for
aspects of their experience, each love”.
parent carries this loss differently. Thanks to all the parents who shared
One parent commented that, whilst their thoughts, struggles and
the loss is lifelong and always
wisdom with the group on this night.
present, “other things start grow- Thanks to Jeanne Chase for assisting
ing on top of the loss”.
the group.
The Royal Children’s Hospital
Annual Memorial Service
Sunday August 24, 2014
Theme:
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Hands of Love
Time:
Doors open at 1:45 pm
Service begins at 2:30 pm
Afternoon Tea: 3:30 pm to 4:30 pm
Venue:
Ella Latham Lecture Theatre
Entrance from 1st Floor
HELP Precinct or
RCH Main Street (Ground floor) for
wheelchair access
Crèche:
Crèche facilities are not available.
However a quiet space will be
available with a video feed from the
theatre.
Straight from the Heart
If Only You Were Still Here
Thanks to Robyn Sell (Stacey-Ann’s mum)
You were our treasure at the end of our rainbow,
I don’t understand why you had to go.
I enjoyed every day being a mother;
And now, the pain I feel is like no other.
Sometimes it’s more than I can bare,
So I take a tablet, to cope with my despair.
We had so much planned for us to do,
I know our life will never be the same, without you.
So very sad and it’s just not fair,
With so many great times and adventures still ahead to share
I think of you every single day,
The ask, why did it have to turn out this way?
You were taken from us, without a choice,
Oh! How I want to hear you sweet little voice.
I want you back so much, to be here with me,
But I know that want… will never be.
It takes its toll to endure so much pain,
And there are times I feel like I’m going insane.
I’m not sure of anything, right here right now,
However I will get through the rest of my life somehow.
I won’t be the same as a part of me has gone forever,
I am so sorry I wasn’t there, to try to make you all better.
I put you to bed and sung you—your song,
All tucked up in bed where you belong.
Not knowing it would be for the last time,
I always thought the you would be, just fine.
I gave a kiss goodnight,
I walked out of your room and turned off your light.
You were not sick, there was no warning;
For you not wake up in the next morning.
You were not meant to go, not meant to leave
And now I’m left, left here to greave!
How can that be?
Oh! How much I miss my little Stacey– Ann Leigh.
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Our letter box is Waiting!
Contributions such as responses and reflections on the groups’ themes, poems,
letters, songs, quotations from parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters and
friends are most welcome in the Newsletters. Share your thoughts, experiences
and questions with others who are bereaved. Please forward them to:
Family Bereavement Support Programme
Social Work Department
Royal Children’s Hospital
50 Flemington Road
PARKVILLE VIC 3052
Phone: 03 9345 6111
Or email:
[email protected]
*If you would like to receive
the newsletter by email
please send us your email
details to the provided
address.*
The next meeting of the
Family Bereavement Support Evening Group will be held on:
Thursday 21st August 2014
7:30 pm – 9:00 pm
Ella Latham Meeting Room 2
Ground Floor, West Building
(Main Street)
Our August group topic will be
“Mixed Emotions Anger within Grief ”
led by Michelle Dixon, Art Therapist.
Please join us in August
The newsletter is always a team effort.
Thank you to Jeanne Chase for leading the group discussion,
to Robyn Clark for facilitating and Tess McClellan for scribing parents’ statements.
Also to the administration team & to Jenny Jelic for
ensuring the Newsletter is formatted and distributed to interested people.
Social Work Department, RCH
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