“Love & Respect,” by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs
www.loveandrespect.com
Ephesians 5:33 “Each of you (husbands) must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must
respect her husband.”
God calls us to unconditionally love our wives
God call us to unconditionally respect our husbands
1Peter 3:7 calls husbands to value wives as equals and the author describes
- women (respond, give, serve) as 1st in importance
- men (lead, protect, die) as 1st among equals
God’s power is amazing if we obey Him, and He is everything that our spouse cannot be!
Must remember – we each have basic goodwill for our spouses and we do not set out to
hurt each other
- men see and hear in “blue”
- women see and hear in “pink”
Pray for wisdom to adjust our own view to see our spouse’s view
KEYS TO A GREAT MARRIAGE – God 1st, each other second, outgive each
other….(and remember the kids are gone in 18 years)
- have fun together and daily make each other a priority
- EACH DAY – say and thank your spouse for something you love or respect about each
other (“I so respect (love) you…”)
- work hard to always choose loving/respectful words and tone
- husbands work hard on “COUPLE,” and wives work hard on “CHAIRS”
- forgive and say you are sorry!
Almost all problems boil down to wives feeling unloved and husbands feeling disrespect
- all marriages will be in “trouble” at times
- either spouse can break the CRAZY CYCLE by being mature and giving love or
respect even when the other spouse is not doing their part (because God so loves us)
- seek to understand – be aware of our and spouse’s needs – be intentional and
persistent
Forgiveness comes when we see our own unrighteousness
Nothing is easier than judging and harder than forgiving, AND nothing can reap more
blessings than forgiving….
- Christ forgave, so why can’t we? Would we say that Jesus forgives you but I won’t…
A Lexicon of Love and Respect: Reminders of What to Say, Do, or Think to Practice
Love and Respect in Your Marriage
Always ask yourself:
• Is what I am about to say or do going to feel unloving to her?
• Is what I am about to say or do going to feel disrespectful to him?
Things to remember:
• Even though feeling disrespected, pull back from being unloving toward her.
• Even though feeling unloved, pull back from being disrespectful toward him.
•
•
When she is being critical or angry, she is crying out for your love; her intent is not to be
disrespectful.
When he is being harsh, or stonewalling you, he is crying out for respect; his intent is not to be
unloving.
•
•
If you defend your lack of love, she will feel unloved.
If you defend your lack of respect, he will feel disrespected.
•
•
When you feel disrespected, you tend to react in unloving ways and don’t see it.
When you feel unloved, you tend to react disrespectfully and don’t see it.
•
When you feel disrespected, it is not natural for you to be loving in return; you must love her in an
act of obedience to Christ.
When you feel unloved, it is not natural for you to be respectful in return; you must respect him in an
act of obedience to Christ.
•
•
•
Ultimately you show your love for Christ when you unconditionally love your wife. If you are not
loving your wife unconditionally, you are not loving Christ.
Ultimately you show your reverence for Christ when you unconditionally
•
•
If you have failed to love her, do something loving.
If you have failed to respect him, do something respectful.
•
•
The best way to motivate her is by meeting her need for love.
The best way to motivate him is by meeting his need for respect.
To communicate feelings or start discussion:
For wives: Never say, “You are unloving.” Instead, say, “That felt unloving. Did I come across as
disrespectful?” If he says yes, say, “I’m sorry for being disrespectful. Will you forgive me? How can I
come across more respectfully?”
For husbands: Never say, “You are disrespectful.” Instead, say, “That felt disrespectful. Did I come across
as unloving?” If she says yes, say, “I’m sorry for being unloving. How can I come across more lovingly?”
Taboos:
•
•
Never tall a wife she must earn your love in order for you to love her inner spirit created in God’s
image.
Never tell a husband he must earn your respect in order for you to respect his inner spirit created in
God’s image.
•
•
Never say, “I won’t love that woman until she starts respecting me.”
Never say, “I won’t respect that man until he starts loving me.”
•
Never blame your lack of love on her lack of respect. Your lack of love is disobedience to
Ephesians 5:33a.
Never blame your lack of respect on his lack of love. Your lack of respect is disobedience to
Ephesians 5:33b.
•
Things to say to lighten up the relationship:
“We’re like two hamsters on the Crazy Cycle.”
“Are you trying to take a spin on the Crazy Cycle.”
“Are we trying for a new record on the Crazy Cycle.”
“I think your pink/blue sunglasses are fogging over.”
“Put on my pink/blue hearing aids and listen.”
“May I borrow your pink/blue hearing aids? I have no idea what you are trying to say.”
“You’re seeing this in pink; I see it in blue. Let’s agree to disagree.”
“You’re seeing this in blue; I see it in pink. Let’s agree to disagree.”
“We’ve been flipping the light switch for twenty minutes. Let’s try something else.”
“Pardon me, but you’re standing on my air hose.”
Without love from him, she reacts without respect. Without respect from her, he reacts without love.
= CRAZY CYCLE
And around and around it goes
Constant work for this will yield a marriage beyond imagination with God’s spirit and power. Stay
on this with the tools C-O-U-P-L-E and C-H-A-I-R-S. Closeness, Openness, Understanding,
Peacemaking, Loyalty, & Esteem, Conquest – Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, &
Sexuality.
Ephesians 6:7: “Serve wholeheartedly as if serving the Lord, because you know that the Lord will
reward everyone for whatever good he does.” = your unconditional love or respect will be rewarded by
God. God will so bless you for all your efforts!