ITN #13-DC-8405
COMPREHENSIVE RE-ENTRY SERVICES AT GADSDEN RE-ENTRY SERVICES
EXHIBIT C – 100-HOUR TRANSITION PROGRAM WORKBOOK
PART 1
Re-Entry
Return
100-Hour
Transition Program
Workbook
Florida Department of Corrections
Bureau of Re-Entry Programs and Education (2013 Edition)
TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGES
Section 1: Introduction
1
- 10
Section 2: Decision Making
11 - 18
Section 3: Problem Solving
19 - 44
Section 4: Anger Management
45 - 78
Section 5: Values & Principles
79 - 90
Section 6: Goals & Goal Setting
91 - 98
Section 7: Social Situations
99 - 111
Section 8: Health & Wellness
112 - 122
Section 9: Substance Abuse, Addictions & Recovery
123 - 142
Section 10: Families
143 - 168
Section 11: Employment
169 - 228
Section 12: Money Matters
229 - 239
Section 13: Community Re-Entry
240 - 254
Section 14: Summary
255 - 260
References & Notes
261 - 262
In an effort to ensure that inmates released from the Department of Corrections successfully reenter the
community, beginning December 1, 2002, each inmate released from incarceration by the department
must complete a 100-hour transition course that covers job readiness and life management skills. This
requirement does not apply to inmates released in an emergency situation. s.944.7065, F.S.
Bureau of Re-Entry Programs and Education 2013 Edition
The current 100 Hour Transition Program is attached. This is proprietary
information and cannot be reproduced without the express authority of the
Department of Corrections.
Bureau of Re-Entry Programs and Education 2013 Edition
The current 100 Hour Transition Program is attached. This is proprietary
information and cannot be reproduced without the express authority of the
Department of Corrections.
Bureau of Re-Entry Programs and Education 2013 Edition
The current 100 Hour Transition Program is attached. This is proprietary
information and cannot be reproduced without the express authority of the
Department of Corrections.
TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 1:
Introduction
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Understand the basic outline for the program, its
content, and its process
- Understand the basic rules and expectations for
participating
- Define Transition and understand its process
- Begin to put together a Transition Action Plan
Topics:
- Introduction
- Ground Rules
- 3 Choices
- Following Directions
- Transition
- Planning
- Blank Dictionary
Section 1: Introduction
This 100-Hour Transition program was developed to assist inmates in developing skills
necessary for a successful return to their community. We are confident that the content of this
program is realistic and can be useful to you. As you prepare to return to your community you
will face many challenges. This program is designed to help you meet those challenges.
Throughout this workbook there are exercises with a grey background. These are assignments
for you to complete. Some will be easy; others will require you to invest some time in completing
them.
Transition Class Ground Rules
This program is your work assignment. This is a classroom setting and the following standards
are to be maintained:
1. All students will maintain the institution’s standards for behavior, dress, courtesy and
conduct. Adult behavior is required. You shall act as an adult and be treated as an adult.
2. The use of profanity or racial slurs will not be tolerated.
3. Practice confidentiality: what is said in the class stays in the class.
4. Practice honesty: speak only for yourself and about yourself.
5. Questions will be asked by being recognized by the Facilitator. Participation through
discussions is encouraged and, while free-flowing, will be controlled.
6. No reading materials other than the Transition program information will be used or read
during class time.
7. All students will remain awake and seated upright during class time. If you find yourself
drowsy or sleepy ask for permission to quietly stand against a wall.
8. Classroom will be kept clean throughout the program. No food or drinks permitted.
9. Each individual will be responsible for assigned materials including workbooks, folders, and
pencils.
10. Breaks will be earned at the discretion of the Facilitator and follow institutional practices.
I, the undersigned Transition student, have read and understand the above-stated rules and
agree to abide by them.
_________________________________
Signature
Date
HOMEWORK: Throughout this program there may be some homework assignments.
Typically these assignments require an extended period of time due to personal matters or
deeper reflection. If you are assigned homework it must be completed. Homework will not
exceed 20 hours of class time.
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Section 1: Introduction
You currently have 2 Choices:
1. Continue life the way you have always lived it (more crime, prison/death or death in prison)
2. Change - What kind of change? Deep change that lasts otherwise it is a slow death. (“A lifesentence on the installment plan.”)
Consequences! – Your thinking leads to feelings then to behavior. You need to look at your
behavior, then your feelings which will reveal your thinking – your erroneous thinking. Not
following the ground rules is a behavior that can result in you returning to crime. The
consequences would be that you are dismissed from the class for violating a rule, miss
something valuable that can help and you ultimately return to prison. That is the result
(consequence) of your actions, no one else.
Exercise: READY! AIM! FIRE!
(Work quietly, no comments, pencil down when completed.)
THIS IS A TIMED TEST! YOU HAVE ONLY 3 MINUTES TO COMPLETE!
1.
Read everything carefully before doing anything.
2.
Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page.
3.
List two references: 1. ________________________ 2. ______________________
4.
Write your phone number ______________________________________________
5.
How many traffic tickets have you received? ______________________________
6.
Write the names of your children ________________________________________
7.
If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out, “I HAVE!”
8.
At the bottom of this page estimate your income minus your debts.
9.
Put a circle around your answer; put a square around the circle.
10.
In your normal speaking voice announce your height and weight.
11.
Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil.
12.
If you are the first person to reach this point call out, “I AM THE FIRST PERSON
TO REACH THIS POINT. I AM THE LEADER IN FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS!”
13.
Underline all even numbers on the left side of this page.
14.
Loudly call out, “I AM NEARLY FINISHED, READY! AIM! FIRE!”
15.
Now that you are finished reading everything carefully, do only sentences 1 and 2.
Why is it important to follow directions? ___________________________________
What is the most important part of communications?
What is Transition?
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Section 1: Introduction
There are two kinds of change: change that we choose and change that happens to us. Either
way, these three stages must happen:
3 Stages of Transition:
1. Ending: Every transition begins with an ending. (e.g., new job) Too often we misunderstand
endings and confuse them with finality – that’s it, all over, finished! How we recognize endings is
the key to how we can begin anew.
2. The Neutral Zone: A seemingly unproductive time-out when we feel disconnected from
people and things in the past and emotionally unconnected to the present. The neutral zone is
really a time of reorientation. It is not an important part of the process. It is only a temporary
state of loss to be endured.
3. The New Beginning: In transition, we come to beginnings only at the end when we launch
new activities. To make a successful new beginning requires more than simply persevering. It
requires an understanding of external signs and inner signals that point the way to the future.
The key is the NEW beginning. Most people make a beginning but not a new beginning. What is
a problem with a new beginning? We don’t know what they will look like. We prefer the old ways
that we know rather than the new, untried ways. If there is no new beginning the old ways have
not ended and it is back to the old insanity: “Repeating the same behavior over and over
expecting different results.”
If every transition begins with an ending there is going to be some grief due to the loss, like the
loss of a loved one. 5 Stages of Grief from On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
These stages may not always occur in this order.
In my life, what must come to an end?
Thinking leads to feelings, feelings lead to behavior. You have to reverse that by looking at your
behavior, then your feelings which will reveal your thinking; your core beliefs.
When does Transition begin?
Where does Transition begin?
Optional Assignment: Write your own obituary as if you died today. No Fiction!
What are the events that brought change into my life in the past?
Unless a particular time of personal transition is seen in the context of the individual life journey,
it is unlikely to have any meaning larger than “ending this and starting that.”


Pain is the greatest motivation for change.
You can’t think your way into a new kind of living; but you can live your way into a new kind
of thinking.
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Section 1: Introduction
Planning:
A key element of your successful re-entry to our communities is your personal Transition Action
Plan (TAP). Over the next several weeks we will be reviewing your personal action plans and
the following worksheets will help you complete your Transition Action Plan.
Name: _________________________________
Release Date: _____________________
Personal Transition Action Plan
Ideas to write down, consider, and work on: Think in terms of 3-6 Months / 1 Year / 5 Years
1. Personal Goals: Medium-Term & Long-Term: (be specific, use dates)
A. ________________________________________________________________________
B. ________________________________________________________________________
C._________________________________________________________________________
D._________________________________________________________________________
E._________________________________________________________________________
2. Probation Conditions to be Considered: (if any)
_______________________________________________________________________
3. Work Skills & Ambitions: (job vs. career)
_______________________________________________________________________
4. Unresolved Legal Problems: (fines, restitution, child-support, credit)
_______________________________________________________________________
5. Education Level & Ambitions: (vocational / trade school, G.E.D., college)
_______________________________________________________________________
6. Family, Friends and Other Relationship Issues: (healthy vs. unhealthy; apologies)
_______________________________________________________________________
7. Long-Term Residence: (area & type)
_______________________________________________________________________
8. Recovery & Community: (meetings, sponsor, treatment)
_______________________________________________________________________
9. Health: (recreation, nutrition, exercise)
_______________________________________________________________________
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Section 1: Introduction
The Game Plan
Your first week out after leaving prison can be overwhelming. These pages are set up to help
you get organized and keep yourself on track toward your goals. First, think about what those
goals are – what do you want or need to get done in your first week out? In your first month out?
Where do you want to be in six months? There are lots of things that other people need you to
do – your probation officer, for example, and your family – but you also need to think about what
you expect from yourself.
Here is a basic calendar to use to plan your first days out of prison. Below there are some
Recommendations and a Checklist to help your planning.
SUN
MON
TUE
WED
THU
FRI
SAT
SUN
MON
TUE
WED
THU
FRI
SAT
SUN
MON
TUE
WED
THU
FRI
SAT
SUN
MON
TUE
WED
THU
FRI
SAT
Recommendations:
1. Obtain calendar or date planner for scheduling appointments.
2. Weekends/holidays will affect your schedule; adjust dates as necessary.
3. Normally, do not schedule more than two appointments in any one morning or afternoon
(e.g., 8:00/10:30 a.m. or 1:00/3:30 p.m.), and consider travel time to next appointment.
4. Add or subtract items to the list as needed for your situation.
5. When making an appointment, ask how long it usually takes at that office and add 30
minutes.
6. Set priorities, move tasks around as necessary.
7. Keep a map, address/phone numbers for all appointments with you at all times.
8. If possible, have a borrowed or pre-paid cell phone with you for directions or to reschedule
appointments, or keep coins handy if using payphones.
9. Watch travel and curfew restrictions as some may be under “Z ERO TOLERANCE” for
infractions.
10. You will only get as much help as you ask for!
11. Finding a job is a job – stay focused and positive.
12. Take time to just breath and enjoy your freedom…it is valuable!
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Section 1: Introduction
RE-ENTRY CHECKLIST
Pre-Release:
 Call/write family/friend re: housing, clothing package, prison/bus stop pickup, bus schedules,
street map, transportation to appointments, small loan, etc.
 Give Classification accurate name/address/phone for residence.
 Complete and send Transitional Housing Applications, if needed.
 Complete sample Job Application/Resume.
 Send letter to DHSMV, Bureau of Records, P.O. Box 5775, Tallahassee, FL 32314
regarding reinstatement requirements.
 Complete a written Transition Action Plan
I.D. Checklist:
Documents
Social Security Card
Birth Certificate
Driver’s License/I.D.
Passport
Prison Release Papers
Have?
Need?
After Release:
 Report to residence (Ask about: clothing, food transportation, rules, work network, tools,
AA/NA, rent/fees, etc.).
 Visit proper Sheriff’s Office for Felony Registration (48 hrs.).
 Call Probation Officer re: appointment (72 hrs.).
 Call DHSMV re: appointment for driver’s license, photo ID, and/or registration.
 Call family/friends re: your current address/phone number.
 Call Child Support Enforcement Office re: appointment (if needed).
 Check phone book, newspaper classified ads, Internet, etc. for job opportunities.
 Visit One-Stop Workforce Center (re: more job opportunities, computer training, vocational
training, etc.)
 Call possible employers for job openings and appointment.
 Find Doctor, Clinic or County Health Department for exam/prescriptions/treatment.
 Get quotes for car insurance, if needed.
 Order car insurance and obtain Insurance Verification Card (via fax or on-line).
 Visit County/Circuit Clerk re: paying fines, obtaining D-6 for Driver’s License, or file Fee
Waiver Motion, if needed.
 Visit DMV Office (if eligible for hardship, reinstatement or renewal of Driver’s License).
 Get vehicle registered, if applicable.
 Visit Parole & Probation Office (Ask about: rules, curfew, work, reporting, fees, treatment, email/phone contact with P.O., handling emergencies outside county or past curfew, etc.).
 Visit Department of Children & Family Services (DCF) re: Food Stamps.
 Visit Goodwill or other donated clothing source.
 Attend AA/NA meeting (schedule all on calendar).
 Visit Social Security Office re: replacement S.S. Card, if needed, or to apply for disability
benefits, if eligible.
 Open Bank Account (if and when possible, get checking account, debit/ATM card,
regular/secured credit card, savings account).
 Update budget (based on anticipated take-home pay).
 Get Library Card (if allowable) and get some books to read.
 Complete prior tasks.
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Section 1: Introduction
 Continue to make daily “To Do” lists.
Re-Entry Planner
Release Date: ______________, 20__
Pre-Release:
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
 ___________________________________________________
Day 1:
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___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
Day 2:
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______________, 20__
______________, 20__
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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Section 1: Introduction
Day 3:
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Day 4:
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______________, 20__
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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Day 5:
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______________, 20__
______________, 20__
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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Section 1: Introduction
“Blank Dictionary”
One of the best tools to learn how to change is a Dictionary. Use this page to write down words
you may hear during this program that are new or unfamiliar to you. Copy them here and look
them up later. Don’t just look up words you don’t know but also words that you believe you know
that may have additional meanings.
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TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 2:
Decision Making
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Understand the impact of past decisions
- Recognize how thoughts, feeling and attitudes lead
to predictable patterns of behavior
- Recognize patterns of behavior that lead them into
conflict with others
- Identify new thoughts and feelings that will avoid
past risks
- Learn decision-making process
- Make better decisions
Topics:
- Thinking
- Thought Maps
- Consequences
Section 2: Decision Making
Decision:
 the act or process of deciding; determination, as of a question or doubt, by making a
judgment
 the act of or need for making up one's mind
The Decision-Making Process
Recognize the problem or opportunity: The decision-making process begins with recognizing a
need for change.
Analyze the situation: Once you recognize that there is a difference between “what is” and “what
could be,” study the situation carefully to determine exactly what is causing the difference. Try to
find the real cause, not just the symptoms. Study potential opportunities in the same way.
Consider your goals: Consider the goal or goals you want to reach. The goals you choose are
influenced by the values you have – what you believe is important. Becoming more aware of
your values and the priorities you put on them helps you see more clearly what is desired. Then
facts can be combined with values and emotions to reach the decision. A person who is making
a decision must learn how to select what is important from the information available.
Look at your alternatives: Look for as many alternatives as possible to solve your problem – not
just the obvious ones. Creative thinking, reading, and talking to other people may uncover more
possibilities. If the decision is very important, it will be worthwhile to spend more time and effort
in finding alternatives.
Consider the consequences: One of the key elements of the decision-making process is looking
ahead to see “what might happen if I do this?” Sometimes it is possible to gather information to
help you predict. At other times, you must predict with only what you already know. Careful
thought and practice will help you learn to make better predictions. Consider the use of
resources too: What resources are needed to carry out each alternative? How much time,
energy, skill, money, knowledge or other resources are required? What must be given up?
Which choice fits better with your values and goals? Writing down the answers to these
questions helps focus your thinking.
Select the best alternative: Look realistically at the possible alternatives and select the one that
seems best for you in terms of your values, the goals you are working toward, and the
resources you have. It is possible that none of the alternatives will be attractive to you. If there is
no one “best” alternative or none seems satisfactory, perhaps a new alternative can be created
by compromising or combining some of the possibilities.
Act upon the decision: Making a decision doesn’t end with choosing the best alternative. You
must put your decision into action.
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Section 2: Decision Making
Accept the responsibility: When you have made a decision say to yourself, “The buck stops
here.” Accept both the responsibility for the decision and the consequences – without excuses.
Plan to abide by your choice until changes or improvements can be made. Your ability and
willingness to do this will help you make a realistic appraisal of your decisions and provide a
basis for improving them. Most decisions are made under conditions of uncertainty, imperfect
knowledge, and limited resources. You do “the best you can with what you’ve got” and try not to
expect the impossible.
Evaluate the results: The outcome or results of decisions – especially major ones – should be
evaluated to determine their effectiveness.
STEPS TO FOLLOW FOR GOOD DECISION-MAKING
1. Identify the decision to be made.
2. Identify the choices available to you.
3. Identify the important information that you must consider when making a decision.
4. Determine the outcome of each choice.
5. Make your decision based on your results.
6. Learn from the results of your decision (good and bad).
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Section 2: Decision Making
DECISION-MAKING DO’S AND DON’TS
DO
1.
Consider the impact on all stakeholders.
2.
Understand that ethical values outweigh and outrank non-ethical ones.
3.
Make choices with courage and foresight.
4.
Determine who is likely to be harmed or helped.
DON’T
1.
Sacrifice your pride.
2.
Lose your integrity.
3.
Lose your reputation.
4.
Lose your honor by making an unethical choice.
 How do you make decisions?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Who or what influences your decisions?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
How do some people always seem to make the right choice, and others always make the wrong
ones? Are they smarter? Do they have Extra Sensory Perception (ESP)? Maybe they have a
little microphone in their ear, and a team of people always ready to relay the right answer
precisely when they need it … There is NO MAGIC trick to good decision-making. Just
remember these 4 steps:
Step 1:
Stop: State the problem as clearly as possible.
Step 2:
Think: Identify choices and consider the consequences of each possible choice.
Step 3:
Act: Choose the best alternative, and act on it.
Step 4:
Review: Decide whether the action has helped or hurt. Did you make a good
choice?
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Section 2: Decision Making
Suggested Activity:
Decision-Making Activity:
Many years ago, when you were younger, you got into some trouble at “Steak Pit Bar & Grill,” a
local restaurant and bar. It wasn’t your fault, but a fight broke out and you ended up getting
banned from the establishment, along with your best friend Joe and several other people. You
are now a grown adult, very different from that youngster that was banned so many years ago.
You have served your time in a correctional facility and paid your dues. Now, home on
probation, you get a call from Joe. Joe is now married with 2 children. He has a good job, good
family, and has grown up to be a very responsible adult. He says, “Let’s go out to eat and talk
about old times.” You agree. Joe picks you up and drives to the ‘Steak Pit Bar & Grill’. (Use the
4 steps to good decision-making, and decide what you should do.)
Write your thoughts for each step; then discuss your thoughts with the class:
Stop:
Think:
Act:
Review:
Another way to look at decision-making is problem-solving. But before we decide how to solve
problems we need to know what a problem is and, even then, new decisions can be influenced
by past decisions that were poor choices resulting from poor thinking.
Remember: Thinking  Feelings  Behavior
Examine your thinking by reviewing your behaviors. These reveal your feelings that flow from
your thinking.
Your best thinking is what got you here?
 What is thinking?
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Section 2: Decision Making
Think about your thinking:
Most of what we call thinking is not thinking. It is opinions, pre-conceived ideas, biases,
prejudices (pre-judgments) or “common sense.” One writer defined common sense as “all the
prejudices you learned before the age of 18.”
The philosopher Socrates wrote, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

What do you think this means?
Words have power. Spoken words have additional power. The most powerful words are the
words we speak to ourselves! And, we are always talking to ourselves. (You are probably doing
it right now.)
Let’s look further at the power of words.
Here is a thinking challenge: Don’t think of an elephant!
 What are you thinking of?
___________________________________________________________________________
 Why?
___________________________________________________________________________
What you focus on is what becomes central to your thinking and decision-making. If you, or
someone you know, have quit smoking nicotine the central thought is about smoking, and not
about improved health, money saved or other benefits.
Another example is prison. Hopefully one of your goals is “not to return to prison.” As good as
that goal is, prison could become your “elephant,” that thing you focus on. A suggestion is to
focus on some other benefits such as helping others, getting an education (not necessarily an
academic one) or living a quiet life. If you do that, not returning to prison will be a consequence
rather than goal and that is a big difference!
 What is your “elephant?” (What do you focus on?)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 What might be the results from what you focus on?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
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Section 2: Decision Making
Consequences:

If words have power what does the word consequences mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________________

Why? ___________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________

If it had a color what would it be? ____________________________________________

Why? ___________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________

If it had substance what would it “weigh?” ____________________________________

Why? ___________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________

Is the word positive or negative to you? ______________________________________

Why? ___________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
The definition of consequences is simply “with-sequences,” meaning that for every decision (or
non-decision) a number of events can unfold. In fact, six basic sequences unfold:
1. Short-term
3. Positive
5. Consequences for You
2. Long-term
4. Negative
6. Consequences for Others
If your decision is a good one or a poor one, the same basic 6 sequences will unfold.
Remember that every non-decision is still a decision and consequences do flow from that as
well.
The following exercise can help you better understand consequences:
(This sample gives you an idea of how to complete your decisions)
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Section 2: Decision Making
A Negative Choice: Not Registering with Sheriff’s
Office within 72 hours.
1. Short-term: Feeling good about not cooperating
with the police after getting out of prison.
2. Long-term: Always thinking and watching out for
the police, in fear of getting stopped.
3. Positive: “No one is going to tell me what to do!”
4. Negative: Facing re-arrest and returning to
prison.
5. Consequence for you: Short-term freedom or
Long-term lock up.
6. Consequence for others: Loss of loved one,
broken relationships, less income.
A Positive Choice: Going back to school.
1. Short-term: Feel good about self-improvement
decision.
2. Long-term: Better opportunities.
3. Positive: Doing something constructive.
4. Negative: Hard work, less sleep & recreation.
5. Consequence for you: An education.
6. Consequence for others: Have to pick up your
share of help around the house, less income or
accommodate your class & study times.
Consequences
A Negative Choice: ________________________
________________________________________
A Positive Choice: ________________________
________________________________________
1. Short-term: _________________________________ 1. Short-term: _________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
2. Long-term: _________________________________ 2. Long-term: _________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
3. Positive:
3. Positive:
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
4. Negative:
4. Negative:
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
5. Consequence for you:
5. Consequence for you:
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
6. Consequence for others:
6. Consequence for others:
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
This is only the beginning of consequences. For each of the six basic consequences, the others
can unfold as well. For instance: #3 Positive can have short-term, long term, positive, negative,
consequences for you and consequences for others. You may begin to see how important good
decision making (correct thinking) is from this.
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TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 3:
Problem Solving
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Understand what problems are & who has them
- Learn the difference between symptoms & problems
- Learn basic steps of problem solving
- Know how to apply these steps to actual problems
- Recognize alternatives to settle conflict
- Avoid power struggles in conflict situations
- Learn listening skills
Topics:
- Problems / Symptoms
- Problem Solving Steps
- Power Struggles
- Conflict Resolution
- Listening Skills
Section 3: Problem Solving
Questions:

What is a problem? ________________________________________________________

Who has problems? _______________________________________________________

How do you feel about problems? ___________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

What is a symptom? _______________________________________________________
A Scenario:
You wake up one morning and feel a tickle in your throat that by the end of the day becomes a
sore throat. You take some cough drops or other over-the-counter remedy; have a tough time
falling asleep and awake with a burning ache as you attempt to swallow. You decide to see a
doctor and he examines you, taking your temperature, your pulse, listens to your heartbeat,
pokes a wooden stick in your mouth (“Say, Ah!”). The doctor then says, “You have throat
cancer.”

What do you do? __________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
This scenario and your decisions combine everything we have looked at so far: Your thinking,
core beliefs, mental map and consequences. This is real decision-making and problem-solving.

Is a sore throat a symptom of throat cancer? __________________________________

What else might a sore throat be a symptom of? _______________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
An important issue here is the difference between a symptom and its cause. A symptom is only
a sign of something going on. The root cause is the reason for the pain. In this scenario the root
cause could be a cold or virus, an infection, smoking, pollution, poor nutrition, allergies or…
throat cancer. Knowing the difference between symptoms (signs) and causes is an important
part of making good decisions.
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Compromising Worksheet
Directions: Here are people who are experiencing a conflict. For each situation, suggest a
possible compromise.
1. Deborah and her sister, Samantha, share a room. Deborah thinks the work in keeping it
clean is not shared equally – Deborah does the dusting, vacuuming, picking up, and
making of beds. Samantha says she is too busy with sports, art club, and babysitting.
What is a possible compromise to help this situation?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
2. Ivan’s parents have agreed to a new pet in the family, but, only one. Ivan wants a dog;
his brother Jake wants a parrot. Both boys want a pet. What could they do to
compromise?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
3. Kara and Dana are best friends. One weekend Kara wanted to roller skate with Dana (as
they usually did), only Kara’s cousin Jennifer was coming to visit. Kara’s mother said that
Kara had to spend the weekend with Jennifer as she was a relative and didn’t come to
visit very often. What could Kara do?
_______________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
4. Marcos is a part of a group that has started breaking into cars and stealing radios. Some
of the members of the group decide they want to steal the entire car. Marcos wants to
remain part of the group, but he feels uneasy about being a car thief. What could Marcos
do?
5. Lee works part-time at a video store. The manager told Lee that because he is such a
good worker, he would like Lee to work more hours and even get an hourly raise.
However, Lee’s girlfriend is already complaining that he is too busy. She’s starting to
think about going out with someone else who has more time for her. What could Lee do?
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Finding Alternatives Worksheet
Directions: There are usually many alternatives that can be used to resolve a conflict. For each
example below, read the alternatives suggested. Add at least two of your own. Then circle the
one you think would be most helpful.
1. You know that someone in your class is planning to cheat on the final exam. In fact, he is
even passing around the answer key to other participants in the class. It is important to do
well on the test because it will be graded “on the curve”---the best scores will be A’s, and so
on. What could you do?
a.
b.
c.
d.
Do nothing – maybe it won’t affect your grade.
Tell the teacher.
Talk to the other participants and get some support.
Take a quick look at the answer key and then pass it on.
e.______________________________________________________________________
f.______________________________________________________________________
2. You have met someone nice, but your best friend is interested in this person, too. You want
to keep your friendship, but you would like to get to know this new person better. What are
some alternatives?
a.
b.
c.
d.
Let your friend have the first chance.
Talk to your friend about the situation.
Just be yourself and let the new person decide who he or she is interested in.
There are other fish in the sea – find someone else.
e.______________________________________________________________________
f.______________________________________________________________________
3. A friend whom you know fairly well went out drinking but told his parents that he was at your
house. He wants his mother to call you to verify the story that he was with you. If you don’t
agree to this, your “friend” says he’ll tell your parents about an embarrassing incident you
did last week. What could you do?
a.
b.
c.
d.
Lie for him.
Find someone else to lie for him.
Agree to say that you saw him at someone else’s house.
Tell your parents about your own problem before the friend can blackmail you.
e.______________________________________________________________________
f.______________________________________________________________________
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Avoiding Power Struggles Worksheet
Directions: Here are two versions of a story in which two strong-willed people (Tom’s sister vs
Tom’s girlfriend) must resolve a conflict. Which situation avoids a power struggle? How?
SITUATION A
Here’s my idea for the surprise party for my brother. We’ll get red and black balloons (helium, of
course) and send out invitations for guests to come to our house on Friday for the party.
Tom’s my boyfriend! I think he’d rather not have a surprise party. Anyway, Friday’s not a good
time. Everyone will want to go to the game, and then it will be too late. Let’s all go out for pizza
on Thursday instead.
Well, I think it would be nice if his family got involved in this.
Sure, but you get to see him all the time. I think Tom would rather go out with his friends.
I don’t know why you think you know him better than we do.
He’s my boyfriend!
He’s my brother!
SITUATION B
Here’s my idea for my brother’s surprise party. We’ll decorate our basement and have his
friends and our family over on Friday.
That sounds like fun, but do you think Tom would really like to be surprised? Remember how
he thought it was really embarrassing when we just sang to him in the restaurant last year?
Yeah, well, maybe we could just tell everyone to come over Friday to our house.
Hey, you know Tom’s favorite food is pizza. Do you think we should go to the Pizza Barn? It
would be a lot less work for you and your family. I know you are all so busy.
Maybe…but we want to be involved…
Why don’t you take care of all the decorations? You’re so good at that. We could ask about the
private room at the Pizza Barn.
Yeah, that sounds good.
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Being a Careful Listener Worksheet
Directions: Perform the following activity with a partner. Listen to your partner talk about one of
the following topics for two to three minutes.
Suggested topics:
 My most embarrassing moment
 My favorite movie
 The best place to eat
 If I had a million dollars
Rules:
1. Don’t interrupt while the other person is talking.
2. Concentrate on what the other person is saying.
When your partner has finished, write down as much as you can remember about what was
said. How much did you remember? How well did you listen?
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STRATEGIES FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION
 When angry, separate yourself from the situation and take time to cool off.
 Attack the problem, not the person. Start with a compliment.
 Communicate your feelings assertively, NOT aggressively. Express them without
blaming.
 Focus on the issue, NOT your position about the issue.
 Accept and respect that individual opinions may differ, don’t try to force compliance,
work to develop common agreement.
 Do not review the situation as a competition, where one has to win and one has to
lose. Work toward a solution where both parties can have some of their needs met.
 Focus on areas of common interest and agreement, instead of areas of
disagreement and opposition.
 NEVER jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what another is feeling or
thinking.
 Listen without interrupting; ask for feedback if needed to assure a clear
understanding of the issue.
 Remember, when only one person’s needs are satisfied in a conflict, it is NOT
resolved and will continue.
 Forget the past and stay in the present.
 Build ‘power with’ NOT ‘power over’ others.
 Thank the person for listening.
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TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 4:
Anger Management
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Recognize that thoughts affect feelings
- Recognize anger triggers and cues
- Deal with unresolved anger
- Perceive external factors: react positively
- Interpret body language
- Learn that anger is a normal emotion
- Control and prevent anger
- Identify constructive ways to deal with internal and external
anger
Topics:
- How Thoughts Influence Feelings
- Origin of Anger
- Anger Control Strategies
Section 4: Anger Management
HOW THOUGHTS INFLUENCE FEELINGS
Objective: Recognize that thoughts affect feelings.
Sometimes it is difficult to determine what a thought is and what a feeling is. Thoughts
are the things we say to ourselves in our mind. Feelings are our emotional states or
moods.
Many people believe that they have no control over what/how they feel. They think that
their bad moods result from things that are beyond their control.
Someone may say, “My girlfriend/boyfriend left me; of course I am unhappy” or “How
am I supposed to feel good about myself? I just lost my job.”
Some people believe that their childhood experiences were so awful that they can do
nothing to change the sadness and anger they feel. Others believe that an illness or a
disappointing experience is responsible for their unpleasant feelings. Others believe that
the weather is responsible for their bad mood.
You may ask, “How can I be anything but unhappy? I’m in prison?”
Our moods are to some extent affected by what happens to us or by situations that we
encounter. Many times in our past, we did not have control over what happened to us or
the situations we encountered. For example, we had no control over the family with
which we were born. As children, we did not choose the neighborhoods where we lived,
the schools we attended or the teachers who taught us. Today, I cannot control the
weather.
Can you think of other examples of things that happened to us or situations we
encountered in the past where we had no control? Can you think of situations over
which you have no control today?
As we have just seen, how we feel is often affected by things that happen to us and the
situations we encounter.
Even more importantly, our feelings and moods are influenced by what we think. Most
often, it is our thoughts and attitudes that create our moods and feelings. The things we
say in our minds have an enormous impact on our emotions. Even when we are
confronted by situations over which we have little control, the way we think about these
situations may have more influence on our mood than the situations themselves.
Let’s see how this happens. If your boss says, “I really like the way you do your job,”
consider how you might think and feel. You might think to yourself, "I’m glad someone
noticed how hard I’ve been working” and be happy that your boss complimented you.
Someone else may respond differently. They may think, “He’s telling me that for a
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Section 4: Anger Management
reason. Maybe he wants me to do more work or stay late.” If these are your thoughts,
you may be resentful or angry. Although the same comment was made, the way you
feel depends on the way you think about it.
That’s what is meant when we say that our thoughts create feelings. Most often, positive
thoughts create positive feelings and negative thoughts result in negative feelings or
what we call our “bad moods.”
Think about the following situation:
You planned a surprise party for your husband/wife. You want him/her to come home
right after work. How do you think your significant other would feel about being told to
come home right after work without an explanation? How would his/her thoughts about
the situation influence his/her feelings?
Very often positive feelings stem from positive thoughts. Negative feelings stem from
negative thoughts.
Can you provide examples of how your own negative thoughts result in negative
feelings as well as how your positive thoughts create positive feelings?
We do not believe that you should be happy all the time. That would be unrealistic.
There are many times when negative feelings are healthy and appropriate. Learning
how to accept these feelings and how to cope with a negative situation is important. For
example, if someone we love is seriously ill, we will feel concerned. These sad feelings
are a sign of caring.
But on other occasions, distorted thoughts can make us feel angry. For example, if we
cannot see how much time it takes to do something and think “I have to be the best and
have the best right now,” we are likely to feel angry or frustrated if the project takes
longer than expected or does not work the way we think it should.
Activity:
Complete the two (2) Thinking Reports that follow based on:
 A time last month when you were angry or irritable
 A time you were happy
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Section 4: Anger Management
THINKING REPORT: A time last month when you were angry or irritable
Date: ____________
Time: _______________
A. Please describe the situation you are reporting on in OBJECTIVE terms:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
B. Report your thoughts as they occurred:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
C. Describe your feelings before,
befor during, and after this event:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
D. What kind of pattern do you see in your thoughts & feelings about this event?
Can you think of any other times that you’ve had similar thoughts and feelings?
________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
E. What can you do to produce a positive outcome?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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THINKING REPORT: A time you were happy
Date: ____________
Time: _______________
A. Please describe the situation you are reporting on in OBJECTIVE terms:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
B. Report your thoughts as they occurred:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
C. Describe your feelings before, during, and after this event:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
D. What kind of pattern do you see in your thoughts & feelings about this event?
Can you think of any other times that you’ve had similar thoughts and feelings?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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Section 4: Anger Management
ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Recognize anger triggers and cues
Anger is one feeling that you have probably tried to deal with by consuming alcohol or
getting high. Anger usually comes from fear, frustration, or hurt. It is an emotion that
tells us something is wrong. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but some people use
their anger as a way to control others. In this lesson, the participant will learn what
triggers their anger and the visible signs which let the person know that they are
becoming angry. These are known as “Anger Triggers” and “Anger Cues”.
Anger Triggers & Anger Cues
Often, people react with anger when what they are really feeling is frustrated,
disappointed, bored, embarrassed, impatient, afraid, or hurt. One reason for this is that
many people think they appear strong when they act angry, but appear weak when they
show some of these other feelings. The problem is that acting angry when you really
feel another way may prevent you from getting the response you want. Therefore, it is
best to identify what ‘Triggers’ your anger. Once a trigger is activated, anger cues occur
as natural responses in the human body that can alert a person to their own anger.
Feelings other than anger caused by Anger Triggers:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Afraid
Embarrassed
Hurt
Bored
Frustrated
Disappointed
Impatient
Anger Cues (a.k.a. physical anger warning signs):
1.
3.
5.
7.
9.
11.
Racing & Pounding Heartbeat
Clenched Teeth
Feeling Hot
Increased Perspiration
Breathing Faster & Harder
Tensed Muscles
2.
4.
6.
8.
10.
12.
Dry Mouth
Clenched Fist
Feeling Cold
Loud Voice
Red Face
Upset Stomach
Activity:
Complete the following Anger Trigger worksheet.
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Anger Triggers
The following situations triggered anger among members of a student group. How
would you feel in these situations? As you read each one, imagine you are the person
named in parentheses. Ask yourself: Would this situation make me angry? If so, how
angry? Place a checkmark in the column that best describes your feeling.
Not
Angry
Somewhat
Angry
Very
Angry
1. Not paying attention to where he is going,
Darius bumps Cara with his boombox.
(Cara)
2. Darius pressures Emma to give him her
window seat so that he doesn’t get carsick.
(Emma)
3. While Nina is enjoying a peaceful moment,
Darius cranks the volume up on his
boombox. (Nina)
4. Thinking it’s a waste to sleep late, Maria
wakes Cara up to go for a morning run.
(Cara)
5. Cara sarcastically lashes out at Maria for
waking her to invite her on an earlymorning run. (Maria)
6. Darius, Ethan, and Emma eat the
grapefruits Rob bought for himself. (Rob)
7. Ethan sees his girlfriend, Emma, dancing
with another guy. (Ethan)
8. Emma walks away from Ethan because he
lashes out at Aaron in a fit of jealousy.
(Emma)
What types of situations make you most angry?
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Section 4: Anger Management
ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Deal with unresolved anger
Reflect on the following questions:
1. Who raised you?
2. What were the characteristics of the people who raised you?
3. How did these people get along on a daily basis?
4. How did they get along with you?
5. What types of punishments & rewards were used when you got into trouble or did
something good?
6. Did the people who raised you have trouble which involved the law?
7. Do you believe that the cause of your incarceration is partially or fully due to the
way you were raised?
8. How did they express anger?
9. When you were young, how did you express anger?
10. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 representing the most), how much of a problem do you
believe that you have with anger?
11. Did anger play a part in the crime which caused your incarceration?
12. Is your anger likely to cause trouble for you in the future?
13. Do you believe that learning to control your anger will make a difference in your
life?
Violence is caused by and causes anger. Therefore, a cycle of violence is also a cycle
of anger.
In today's world, violence is everywhere. We learn about the consequences of violence
from reports in newspapers, magazines, television and radio. We see violent acts in
movies and television programs (including cartoons). We also hear about it in the lyrics
of popular music and video games. We experience violence in our communities. Many
children and teenagers become victims of violent acts in places that have traditionally
been safe havens — their homes and schools. With violence and anger permeating
every aspect of our lives, what can we do to turn the tide?
In handling a “current” anger situation, you may have encountered a “trigger” event that
brings up past feelings of hurt, pain, resentment, hostility, or anger. The trigger event is not
what you are actually reacting to but, rather, you are reacting to the past situation, (one
that went unresolved).
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Section 4: Anger Management
ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Perceive external factors: react positively
The mindless venting of anger towards another person does not solve the origin of the
anger. Instead, it can add to the original problem. The same can be said for running
away from anger or pretending that it never existed.
When one expresses anger appropriately, they are being honest, which makes for
better relationships. Everyone should learn how to trust themselves and others so as to
consistently act appropriately. Many times anger works like an umbrella to protect us
from the cold rain of uncomfortable emotions. For example, it’s easier to blow up at
your boss when you are late for work rather than to feel the shame of not taking care of
business. Some of the feelings that anger “protects” us from include sadness,
loneliness, confusion, and fear. Everyone will have these feelings, but by always
displaying anger, instead of the real emotion, these feelings are hidden from ourselves
and others.
Being able to deal with anger can be very rewarding, but you must have a plan. Two
steps for dealing with your anger appropriately are:
 Ask yourself what about the situation makes you angry; and
 Look at the feelings under your anger. Are you really angry or is there another
feeling that would cause you to react as if you were angry? Be honest!
These are not easy steps. Asking yourself what makes you angry might seem like a
simple task. However, often anger has consumed us before we think about that
question. Help lower your anger by slowing down. Taking a 5 minute timeout can often
help a person to answer the question.
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Anger Prevention Patterns
Pattern #1 -- Stop—Think of the Immediate Consequences
 Before you act, think about the immediate consequences.
 Ask, “What gets me angry?”
 Think, “Anger leads to violence.”
Pattern #2 -- Stop and Think about Who Gets Hurt—Reasoning Process
 Think about all the problems that your anger has caused you and others in the
past.
 Use the guilt of hurting others to change yourself.
 Think about the whole picture or ripple effect . . . (i.e., you, family, community,
etc.)
Pattern #3 -- Plan Ahead, Think Ahead, Make Another Choice
 Use this when you are reminded of negative past actions.
 Try to foresee with whom, where, and under what circumstances you might get
angry. List ahead of time your past thoughts and actions that would lead to
anger.
 Avoid these people and places, and make another choice.
Pattern #4 -- Examination of Conscience—Moral Inventory Daily
 Think more about the consequences of your actions rather than the incident
itself.
 Think about how your anger would affect others.
 Examine your conscience immediately. Think about the effect of your
irresponsible conduct.
Pattern #5 – Don’t Dwell On It
 Use responsible thinking patterns to replace the old patterns.
 Do this in advance and practice it.
Activity:
Complete The Umbrella of Anger Activity worksheet.
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Section 4: Anger Management
The Umbrella of Anger Activity
What feelings do you hide from others under your anger umbrella? Answer the following
questions as honestly as you can. You might be surprised by the answers.
 Have you ever been sad and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A guy breaks up with his girlfriend, goes to a bar and gets in a fight. Is
he really angry? Or does he think that he will look weak if people know he is sad?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 Have you ever been lonely and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A man is incarcerated and has no friends or family visit during his
incarceration period. Therefore, he is constantly deviant and fights with others.
Is he really angry or does he not want to admit that he is simply lonely?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 Have you ever been confused and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A man buys a new bicycle for his child’s birthday. The night before the
big party, he tries to assemble the bicycle, but he cannot figure out how to get the
handle bars on. This situation initiates an argument with his wife. Therefore, he
storms out of the room leaving the bicycle in pieces. Is he really angry? Or, is he
confused?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 Have you ever been afraid and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A guy does not want to meet his date’s parents because he thinks his
criminal record will make them dislike him. Instead of telling his girlfriend that he’s
nervous, he tells her that he simply doesn’t want or need to visit her parents. Is
he really angry or is he afraid?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
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Section 4: Anger Management
ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Interpret body language
Body Language is the language which shows the way we may be thinking during a
conversation. Body language comes in clusters of signals and postures, depending on
the internal emotions and mental states.
 Aggressive body language: Showing physical threat.
 Bored body language: Just not being interested.
 Closed body language: Not wanting to reveal.
 Deceptive body language: Seeking to cover-up, lying or other deception.
 Defensive body language: Protecting self from attack.
 Emotional body language: Identifying feelings.
 Evaluating body language: Judging and deciding about something.
 Open body language: Wanting to reveal.
 Power body language: Demonstrating one’s power.
 Relaxed body language: Comfortable and unstressed.
 Submissive body language: Showing you are prepared to give in.
AGGRESSIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Facial Signals: Much aggression can be shown in the face, from disapproving frowns
and pursed lips to sneers and full snarls. Attack Signals: When somebody is about to
attack, they give visual signals such as clenching of fists ready to strike and lowering
and spreading of the body for stability.
BORED BODY LANGUAGE
Distraction: A bored person looks anywhere but at the person who is talking to them.
They find other things to do, from doodling to talking with others to staring around the
room. Repetition: Bored people often repeat actions such as tapping toes, swinging feet
or drumming fingers. The repetition may escalate as they try to signal their boredom.
CLOSED BODY LANGUAGE
Arms Cross: In a closed position one or both arms cross the central line of the body.
They may be folded or tightly clasped or holding one another. There may also be
holding one another. Legs Cross: When legs are crossed but arms are not, it can show
deliberate attempts to appear relaxed. This is particularly true when legs are hidden
under a table. Looking down or away: The head may be inclined away from the person,
and particularly may be tucked down.
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DECEPTIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Anxiety: A deceptive person is typically anxious. This may include sweating, sudden
movements, minor twitches of muscles (especially around the mouth and eyes), and
changes in voice tone and speed. Control: In order to avoid being caught, there may be
various signs of over-control such as forced smiles or jerky movements. Distracted: A
person who is trying to deceive will need to think more about what they are doing.
Therefore, they may drift off or pause as they think about what to say or hesitate during
speech.
DEFENSIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Covering Vital Organs: In physical defense, the defensive person will automatically tend
to cover those parts of the body that could get damaged by an attack. Fending off:
Arms may be held out to fend off an attacker and possibly straight out or curved to
deflect incoming attacks. Seeking escape: Flicking the eyes from side to side shows
that the person is looking for a way out.
EMOTIONAL BODY LANGUAGE
Anger: It occurs when achievement of goals is frustrated. Examples are red face, baring
of teeth, clenched fists, invasion of body space, etc. Fear and nervousness: Fear occurs
when basic needs are threatened. Examples are cold sweat, pale face, damp eyes,
varying speech tone, etc. Sadness: It indicates a depressive state. Examples are
drooping of body, flat speech tone, etc.
EVALUATING BODY LANGUAGE
Hand Movements: The classic signal of evaluation is the steeped hands which are
clasped together, either looking like they are praying, with both hands pressed together,
or with linked fingers and with index fingers only pointing upwards. Relaxed intensity:
The body may well be relaxed and open. The person seems to be unafraid or even
unaware of danger. However, there is also a level of concentration, perhaps with pursed
lips and an intense gaze. The chin may be resting in one or both palms.
OPEN BODY LANGUAGE
Arms & Legs Open: Arms and legs are not crossed. For example, appearing to hold
things and form more detailed shapes. Looking around and at the other person: The
head may be directed solely towards the other person or may be looking around. Eye
contact is likely to be relaxed and prolonged. Relaxed clothing: Clothing is likely to
hang loosely and actions to loosen clothing may take place.
POWER BODY LANGUAGE
Handshake: As the other person approaches, move to the left side, extend your arm
horizontally, palm down (be first to do this). Grab their palm firmly, pull them in and hold
their elbow with your left hand. Touching: Touching is a power symbol. Touching
people can be threatening and is used by leaders to demonstrate power. Talking &
Emoting: Talk with confidence and use the body beat in time with assertions. It is also
powerful to show that you have emotion but in the right place only.
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RELAXED BODY LANGUAGE
Torso: The torso may sag slightly to one side (but not be held there by irregular
tension). It may also be well-balanced, with the shoulders balanced above the pelvis.
Breathing: Breathing is steady and slower. This may make the voice a little lower than
usual. Relaxed limbs: Relaxed limbs hang loosely. They do not twitch and seldom
cross one another, unless as a position of comfort.
SUBMISSIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Body Positions: The body in fearful stances is generally closed and may also include
making the body small and motionless. Submissive Gestures: There are many gestures
that have the primary intent of showing submission and that there is no intent to harm
the other person. Hands out and palms up shows that no weapons are held and is a
common pleading gesture.
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ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Learn that anger is a normal emotion
Overview on Anger:
 Anger is normal and not necessarily wrong.
 Anger can be harmful when handled by:
 Ventilation of anger (letting anger out).
 Internalization of anger (keeping anger in).
 Anger is often the result of poor self-image or poor self-esteem.
 Individuals with a poor self-image often feel that they have to over
compensate to make others like them. One quote that puts it into
perspective is: “You are as sick as your secrets.” If you feel afraid or
inferior, no one can help you unless you tell them.
 Anger often leads to wrong choices and responses.
 Vengeance, bitterness, hatred, revenge, resentment & judgmental
attitudes.
 Verbal abuse.
 Dishonest sharing of our true feelings.
 Refusing to share and pretending it doesn’t matter in order to keep the
peace.
 Anger can be controlled.
 Anger must be acknowledged before we can put it away.
 Outbursts must be restrained. We need to learn to think before we act.
 Forgive and seek forgiveness to keep anger from controlling us.
 The urge to seek revenge and develop a judgmental attitude must be
resisted.
Causes of Anger:
 Injustice: A truly valid reason for anger but one of the least common causes of
anger.
 Frustration: An obstacle (event, person, or physical barrier) that hinders our
progress toward a goal.
 Threat & Hurt: Threats challenge our self-esteem and make us feel so vulnerable
that anger and aggression become ways to fight back. Hurt and anger almost
always go together. Hurt feelings arise seconds after an event; then, anger
skyrockets into our awareness. The anger usually comes so quickly and is so
real that it is easy to miss the hurt that comes first.
 Learning: Many of us have been moved to action by words or by the actions of
someone that provoked our anger. This can be a negative learning experience
as well. By watching and listening to others, we learn to become more easily
angered and more outwardly aggressive.
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ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Control and prevent anger
Have each person in the group discuss a situation that has invoked anger in the past.
Then using the techniques below, discuss ways of controlling the anger of the situation.
Step 1: Relax yourself by using deep, natural breathing and muscle relaxation.



Take deep breaths and silently repeat the words “relax” until you are able to calm
down.
Do not say or do anything until you are calmed down.
Avoid words or actions in the “heat” of the moment.
Step 2: Recognize what aroused or provoked your anger.


Is it a situation, an event, or a person?
Is it real or imagined?
Step 3: Use a rational approach to “rethink,” “reframe,” and reason in your mind
what is going on and why you are angry.







Is this event triggering old unresolved anger or is this just resentment in me?
How is this event related to my past?
What is really making me angry?
Maybe the person provoking my anger is having a bad day or needs more of my
understanding.
How am I feeling about this?
What needs to be changed here?
What alternatives could I use to get the best results in handling this situation?
Step 4: Once you have a “clear” idea of what is going on, take steps to change the
situation that has provoked the anger.






Use “I” statements. “I feel angry when you . . .”
Clarify your feelings about the situation.
Point out issues needing clarity.
Relate to the person and how the past is directly connected to the current situation.
Identify the unresolved anger, resentment, hostility, or depression and work on it.
Inject some humor into the situation to defuse the anger or hostility.
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ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Identify constructive ways to deal with internal and external anger
Ways to Deal with Anger:
 Withdrawal:

The easiest but LEAST EFFECTIVE way to deal with anger is to simply
withdraw.
o leaving the room
o plunging into work or other activity
o drinking or taking drugs
o denying the anger (consciously or unconsciously)
 Turning Inward:

Problems are not solved by denying them or by withdrawing. At best, the
relief is only temporary, and in time the pressure builds until it explodes
and creates more difficulties. Internal anger is a powerful force which may
express itself in other ways.
o Physical Symptoms (ulcers, high blood pressure, headaches, or
heart attacks)
o Psychological Reactions (anxiety, fear, tension, or depression)
o Unconscious attempt to self harm (accident or self-inflected)
o Self-pity or thoughts of revenge
o Struggles due to bitterness, wrath, anger, and slander
 Attacking a Substitute:

This is a common tendency to blame innocent people when things are not
going well (blaming family members for the loss of a job).
 Facing the Sources of Anger:

This can be done in either a destructive or a constructive way.
o Destructive reactions
 verbal or physical aggression
 ridicule or cynicism
 refusal to cooperate
 involvement in things which hurt or embarrass someone
 alcohol consumption
 failing school or project
 cheating on a spouse
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
taking an ‘eye-for-an-eye’ approach
o Constructive reactions
 admit your anger to others
 ask for help with identifying the source of the anger
 prevent pride, lack of self-esteem, or feelings of injustice
from controlling the situation
 stop and reanalyze the situation before reacting
Activity:
Read each scenario below. Using the previous lessons on Anger Management,
think of constructive solutions to deal with each situation.
1. A friend asks to borrow $100.00. You agree, but only on the condition that he
promises to return it the following week. Next week, he gives you $20.00, saying
that is all he has and that he won’t be able to give you the rest for a couple of weeks.
2. A friend sees you flirting with someone you really like and makes a teasing remark
when he passes the two of you.
3. You and John take an English class. On the final grade report at the end of the
semester, your English grade is a “B”, but John’s grade is an “A”. You know that you
have done “B” work, but all of John’s test grades were consistently lower than yours.
4. The Shift Captain sees you walk away from the lunch table without cleaning up
your garbage and assigns you extra-duty for a week of after-lunch cleaning the
cafeteria tables.
5. You are driving home from work and your tire goes flat. You need to call your
family to let them know that you will be late but your cell phone has no service.
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Section 4: Anger Management
ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Identify alternative responses to reduce anger by using social skills (i.e.
convincing, negotiating, making a complaint, asking for help)
To make a good choice in any situation, we have to think of more than one way to act.
Maintaining self-control increases the number of choices available to us. We do not
have to respond automatically to any situation. We can calm ourselves and think about
the best way to handle the problem.
In this lesson, we are going to discuss some constructive ways to solve problems that
may cause anger. These choices include: convincing, negotiating, making a complaint
or asking for help. Having these additional choices for solving problems gives us a
better chance of getting what we want and getting around things that are in our way.
Let’s look at what is involved in the process of convincing another person to do
something our way.
Activity:
Review Handout #1- Convincing Others.
Review the Problem Solving Steps. Consider instances where you can use this
skill. Can you think of a problem situation where you wanted to convince
someone to do something?
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HANDOUT #l
SOCIAL SKILLS: Convincing Others
STEPS
1. Decide if you want to convince
someone about something.
It might be doing something your way,
going someplace, interpreting events, or
evaluating ideas.
2. Tell the other person your ideas.
Focus on both content of ideas and
feelings about point of view.
3. Ask the other person what he/she
thinks about it.
This requires use of listening skills.
4. Tell why you think your idea is a
good one.
5. Ask the other person to think about
what you said before making up his/her
mind.
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Check on the other person’s decision at a
later point in time.
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Activity:
Another way of handling problems is to negotiate. Let’s take a look at how that is
done.
Review the Handout #2 - Negotiating. Consider instances where you can use this
skill. Can you think of an example of a problem situation where you and another
person had a difference of opinion? Compromise may be a necessary step in
negotiating process. Most often people who choose to negotiate expect
compromise.
Negotiating is not the same skill as Convincing. Negotiating is a skill that requires an
ability to understand the feelings of others. As we already learned, negotiating also
presumes we are willing to compromise, that there will be some give and take, that we
will meet the other person half way or part way to find a solution.
There are times when issues cannot be resolved by either convincing or negotiating.
You may decide that you want to make a complaint. Making a complaint may sound
like an easy thing to do, but if we want to get our way there are steps we should follow
in making a complaint. These steps might increase our chances for success. Following
these steps will also help us maintain self-control so that we do not make our complaint
when we are angry and not thinking straight.
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HANDOUT #2
SOCIAL SKILLS: Negotiating
STEPS
1. Decide if you and the other person
are having a difference of opinion.
Are you getting tense or arguing?
2. Tell the other person what you
think about the problem.
State your own position and your
perception of the other’s position.
3. Ask the other person what he/she
thinks about the problem.
4. Listen openly to his/her answer.
5. Think about why the other person
might feel this way.
6. Suggest a compromise.
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Be sure the proposed compromise takes
into account the opinions and feelings of
both persons.
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Activity:
Review Handout #3 - Making a Complaint.
Consider instances where you can use this skill. As you read, think of the
importance of spending time thinking about your complaint and what you want
done about it, deciding the appropriate person to complain to, expressing the
exact nature of the complaint and what you want done and asking the person to
tell you how he or she feels about the complaint.
At times, we will encounter a problem that we are not sure how to handle. In these
situations, our best choice may be to ask for help. If we are use to solving problems on
our own, asking someone for advice or help may be difficult for us. We may have
thoughts or beliefs that influence us to go it on our own or tough it out by ourselves, but
doing this may not get us what we want.
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HANDOUT #3
SOCIAL SKILLS: Making a Complaint
STEPS
1. Decide what your complaint is.
What is the problem?
2. Decide whom to complain to.
Who can resolve it?
3. Choose the right time and place
making a complaint.
It may be a private place, or a time when
the other person is unoccupied.
4. Tell that person what you would
like done about the problem.
Consider alternative ways to complain
(e.g., politely, assertively, privately).
5. Ask how he/she feels about what
you’ve said.
Offer a helpful suggestion about resolving
the problem.
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Activity:
Let’s look at the steps involved in asking for help.
Review Handout #4 – Asking for Help. Consider instances where you can use this
skill. As you read, think of some issues we have that we cannot solve by
ourselves. Think about when it may be necessary to seek out persons who are
good problem solvers (i.e., those who get “good” results).
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HANDOUT #4
SOCIAL SKILLS: Asking for help
STEPS
1. Decide what the problem is.
Be specific; who and what are contributing
to the problem; what is its effect on you.
2. Decide if you want help for the
problem.
Figure out if you can solve the problem
alone.
3. Think about different people who
might help you and pick one.
Consider all possible helpers and choose
the best one.
4. Tell the person about the problem
and ask that person to help you.
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HOMEWORK
1. Think about the problems you have that remain unsolved. Review the Social Skills
you learned in this lesson. Decide whether or not the skills will help you solve these
problems. Select a problem that may be solved by using these skills. Describe your
problem and the Social Skill(s) you will chose to solve the problem. Write down your
plan for solving the problem using the Social Skill steps as a guide.
a. Describe your problem.
b. What Social Skill(s) could you use to help you solve the problem?
(Circle one or more.)
Convincing
Negotiating
Making a complaint
Asking for help
c. What steps will you take to solve the problem?
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Section 4: Anger Management
ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Evaluating and responding to criticism and provocation without anger
Criticism is finding fault in someone or something. Many times criticism involves judging
another person in a harsh, unfair or an unfavorable way.
Criticism at times is good for us. It can help us understand some things about ourselves
that we were not aware of. We may even learn to appreciate some forms of criticism.
Let’s try to think of some examples of criticism we might appreciate.
At other times, we may feel that we are being criticized unfairly or disagree with what is
being said to or about us.
Whether we believe the criticism is fair or not, most of us tend to respond to all criticism
with anger. But if we become upset, it is unlikely that we will be able to handle the
situation in a way that is helpful to us. If we remain calm when we are criticized, we will
have many more choices in how we respond to the criticism.
Handling criticism is a skill that will help us cope with stressful situations and be more
successful in solving our problems.
Let’s look at the steps involved in handling criticism.
Activity:
Review HANDOUT #1 – How to Receive Criticism.
Can you think of a recent situation where you were criticized? How did you
handle it?
Criticism is not the same thing as provocation. However, many people use criticism to
provoke another person. To provoke means to intentionally try to anger another person.
Maintaining self-control in a situation where someone is trying to provoke you can be
very difficult but it can be done.
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Section 4: Anger Management
HANDOUT #1
SOCIAL SKILLS: How to Receive Criticism
STEPS
1. Listen carefully.
Face the person, establish eye contact, do not
interrupt or discourage the person, listen to
what is being said, try not to think about how
you will defend yourself or respond.
2. Think about what is being said.
Ask yourself, “Why does
es the person feel the
way they do?”
3. Ask for specific information if the
statements being made are too general.
Ask the person, “Can you tell me what I do or
say that makes you feel that way?"
4. Let the other person know that
you’ve heard and understand what was
said.
Repeat the criticism in your own words. “What
I hear you saying is."
5. Think about what was said.
Ask yourself:
- Am I being asked to change something I am
capable of changing?
- Am I willing to work at changing it?
- What is true in what the person is saying?
What is not true?
- What are the consequences of changing and
not changing?
6. Decide how you will respond.
Acknowledge the truth in the statement
"Certain things you say might be true.”
“I can see how you might think that.”
- If you disagree with the criticism, say so and
explain
ain the situation as you see it.
it “I don’t see
things the same way as you do.”
If you agree with the criticism:
- Apologize if appropriate.
- If you are willing to make changes, say so.
- Try to find a solution that meets both your
needs.
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Activity:
Let’s look at the steps involved in handling provocation.
Review HANDOUT #2 – Handling Provocation and think of ways you can use this
skill.
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HANDOUT #2
SOCIAL SKILLS: Handling Provocation
STEPS
1. Listen to what the other person is
saying.
What is being said? Is it accurate or
inaccurate? What is the other person’s
tone of voice and body language?
2. Determine whether you are
being provoked or criticized.
Was it said in a mean way or a
constructive way?
Is the other person calling you names,
teasing you or making threats to harm
you?
3. Decide if you want to ignore/get out
of the situation or respond.
Consider the risks versus the gains (short
and long term consequences).
Think about what the other person
p
might
say to you.
Think about things that might happen
during the conversation.
Determine whether or not you will be able
to remain calm.
4. If you decide to respond, think about
different ways you could say what you
have to say.
5. Choose to respond in the way that
worked best for you in the past.
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HOMEWORK
1. Try to remember a situation in which you were criticized or provoked by another
person.
Complete a Problem Log on the next page about the incident.
2. Using the Social Skill Handouts from this lesson as a guide, describe the specific
steps you would take if this problem occurred again.
a. What Social Skill would you use to help solve the problem?
How to receive criticism
How to handle provocation
b. What steps would you take to solve the problem?
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PROBLEM LOG
Date: ____________
Time: _______________
A. What is the problem? (Describe the situation including who is involved, where
it happened and what happened):
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
B. Report your thoughts as they occurred:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
C. Describe your feelings before, during, and after this event:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
D. What did you want to happen?
_______________________________________
______________________________________________________________
_______________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
E. What did you do or say to solve the problem?
___________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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F. What was the outcome? Did your choice solve the problem?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
G. How well did your choice work? (Circle One):
Poorly
Not so well
OK
Good
Great
H. What were your thoughts after the event?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
I. What were your feelings after the event?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
J. How would you handle this situation if it occurred again?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 4:
Anger Management
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Recognize that thoughts affect feelings
- Recognize anger triggers and cues
- Deal with unresolved anger
- Perceive external factors: react positively
- Interpret body language
- Learn that anger is a normal emotion
- Control and prevent anger
- Identify constructive ways to deal with internal and external
anger
Topics:
- How Thoughts Influence Feelings
- Origin of Anger
- Anger Control Strategies
Section 4: Anger Management
HOW THOUGHTS INFLUENCE FEELINGS
Objective: Recognize that thoughts affect feelings.
Sometimes it is difficult to determine what a thought is and what a feeling is. Thoughts
are the things we say to ourselves in our mind. Feelings are our emotional states or
moods.
Many people believe that they have no control over what/how they feel. They think that
their bad moods result from things that are beyond their control.
Someone may say, “My girlfriend/boyfriend left me; of course I am unhappy” or “How
am I supposed to feel good about myself? I just lost my job.”
Some people believe that their childhood experiences were so awful that they can do
nothing to change the sadness and anger they feel. Others believe that an illness or a
disappointing experience is responsible for their unpleasant feelings. Others believe that
the weather is responsible for their bad mood.
You may ask, “How can I be anything but unhappy? I’m in prison?”
Our moods are to some extent affected by what happens to us or by situations that we
encounter. Many times in our past, we did not have control over what happened to us or
the situations we encountered. For example, we had no control over the family with
which we were born. As children, we did not choose the neighborhoods where we lived,
the schools we attended or the teachers who taught us. Today, I cannot control the
weather.
Can you think of other examples of things that happened to us or situations we
encountered in the past where we had no control? Can you think of situations over
which you have no control today?
As we have just seen, how we feel is often affected by things that happen to us and the
situations we encounter.
Even more importantly, our feelings and moods are influenced by what we think. Most
often, it is our thoughts and attitudes that create our moods and feelings. The things we
say in our minds have an enormous impact on our emotions. Even when we are
confronted by situations over which we have little control, the way we think about these
situations may have more influence on our mood than the situations themselves.
Let’s see how this happens. If your boss says, “I really like the way you do your job,”
consider how you might think and feel. You might think to yourself, "I’m glad someone
noticed how hard I’ve been working” and be happy that your boss complimented you.
Someone else may respond differently. They may think, “He’s telling me that for a
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Section 4: Anger Management
reason. Maybe he wants me to do more work or stay late.” If these are your thoughts,
you may be resentful or angry. Although the same comment was made, the way you
feel depends on the way you think about it.
That’s what is meant when we say that our thoughts create feelings. Most often, positive
thoughts create positive feelings and negative thoughts result in negative feelings or
what we call our “bad moods.”
Think about the following situation:
You planned a surprise party for your husband/wife. You want him/her to come home
right after work. How do you think your significant other would feel about being told to
come home right after work without an explanation? How would his/her thoughts about
the situation influence his/her feelings?
Very often positive feelings stem from positive thoughts. Negative feelings stem from
negative thoughts.
Can you provide examples of how your own negative thoughts result in negative
feelings as well as how your positive thoughts create positive feelings?
We do not believe that you should be happy all the time. That would be unrealistic.
There are many times when negative feelings are healthy and appropriate. Learning
how to accept these feelings and how to cope with a negative situation is important. For
example, if someone we love is seriously ill, we will feel concerned. These sad feelings
are a sign of caring.
But on other occasions, distorted thoughts can make us feel angry. For example, if we
cannot see how much time it takes to do something and think “I have to be the best and
have the best right now,” we are likely to feel angry or frustrated if the project takes
longer than expected or does not work the way we think it should.
Activity:
Complete the two (2) Thinking Reports that follow based on:
 A time last month when you were angry or irritable
 A time you were happy
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THINKING REPORT: A time last month when you were angry or irritable
Date: ____________
Time: _______________
A. Please describe the situation you are reporting on in OBJECTIVE terms:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
B. Report your thoughts as they occurred:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
C. Describe your feelings before,
befor during, and after this event:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
D. What kind of pattern do you see in your thoughts & feelings about this event?
Can you think of any other times that you’ve had similar thoughts and feelings?
________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
E. What can you do to produce a positive outcome?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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THINKING REPORT: A time you were happy
Date: ____________
Time: _______________
A. Please describe the situation you are reporting on in OBJECTIVE terms:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
B. Report your thoughts as they occurred:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
C. Describe your feelings before, during, and after this event:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
D. What kind of pattern do you see in your thoughts & feelings about this event?
Can you think of any other times that you’ve had similar thoughts and feelings?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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Section 4: Anger Management
ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Recognize anger triggers and cues
Anger is one feeling that you have probably tried to deal with by consuming alcohol or
getting high. Anger usually comes from fear, frustration, or hurt. It is an emotion that
tells us something is wrong. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but some people use
their anger as a way to control others. In this lesson, the participant will learn what
triggers their anger and the visible signs which let the person know that they are
becoming angry. These are known as “Anger Triggers” and “Anger Cues”.
Anger Triggers & Anger Cues
Often, people react with anger when what they are really feeling is frustrated,
disappointed, bored, embarrassed, impatient, afraid, or hurt. One reason for this is that
many people think they appear strong when they act angry, but appear weak when they
show some of these other feelings. The problem is that acting angry when you really
feel another way may prevent you from getting the response you want. Therefore, it is
best to identify what ‘Triggers’ your anger. Once a trigger is activated, anger cues occur
as natural responses in the human body that can alert a person to their own anger.
Feelings other than anger caused by Anger Triggers:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Afraid
Embarrassed
Hurt
Bored
Frustrated
Disappointed
Impatient
Anger Cues (a.k.a. physical anger warning signs):
1.
3.
5.
7.
9.
11.
Racing & Pounding Heartbeat
Clenched Teeth
Feeling Hot
Increased Perspiration
Breathing Faster & Harder
Tensed Muscles
2.
4.
6.
8.
10.
12.
Dry Mouth
Clenched Fist
Feeling Cold
Loud Voice
Red Face
Upset Stomach
Activity:
Complete the following Anger Trigger worksheet.
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Anger Triggers
The following situations triggered anger among members of a student group. How
would you feel in these situations? As you read each one, imagine you are the person
named in parentheses. Ask yourself: Would this situation make me angry? If so, how
angry? Place a checkmark in the column that best describes your feeling.
Not
Angry
Somewhat
Angry
Very
Angry
1. Not paying attention to where he is going,
Darius bumps Cara with his boombox.
(Cara)
2. Darius pressures Emma to give him her
window seat so that he doesn’t get carsick.
(Emma)
3. While Nina is enjoying a peaceful moment,
Darius cranks the volume up on his
boombox. (Nina)
4. Thinking it’s a waste to sleep late, Maria
wakes Cara up to go for a morning run.
(Cara)
5. Cara sarcastically lashes out at Maria for
waking her to invite her on an earlymorning run. (Maria)
6. Darius, Ethan, and Emma eat the
grapefruits Rob bought for himself. (Rob)
7. Ethan sees his girlfriend, Emma, dancing
with another guy. (Ethan)
8. Emma walks away from Ethan because he
lashes out at Aaron in a fit of jealousy.
(Emma)
What types of situations make you most angry?
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ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Deal with unresolved anger
Reflect on the following questions:
1. Who raised you?
2. What were the characteristics of the people who raised you?
3. How did these people get along on a daily basis?
4. How did they get along with you?
5. What types of punishments & rewards were used when you got into trouble or did
something good?
6. Did the people who raised you have trouble which involved the law?
7. Do you believe that the cause of your incarceration is partially or fully due to the
way you were raised?
8. How did they express anger?
9. When you were young, how did you express anger?
10. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 representing the most), how much of a problem do you
believe that you have with anger?
11. Did anger play a part in the crime which caused your incarceration?
12. Is your anger likely to cause trouble for you in the future?
13. Do you believe that learning to control your anger will make a difference in your
life?
Violence is caused by and causes anger. Therefore, a cycle of violence is also a cycle
of anger.
In today's world, violence is everywhere. We learn about the consequences of violence
from reports in newspapers, magazines, television and radio. We see violent acts in
movies and television programs (including cartoons). We also hear about it in the lyrics
of popular music and video games. We experience violence in our communities. Many
children and teenagers become victims of violent acts in places that have traditionally
been safe havens — their homes and schools. With violence and anger permeating
every aspect of our lives, what can we do to turn the tide?
In handling a “current” anger situation, you may have encountered a “trigger” event that
brings up past feelings of hurt, pain, resentment, hostility, or anger. The trigger event is not
what you are actually reacting to but, rather, you are reacting to the past situation, (one
that went unresolved).
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ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Perceive external factors: react positively
The mindless venting of anger towards another person does not solve the origin of the
anger. Instead, it can add to the original problem. The same can be said for running
away from anger or pretending that it never existed.
When one expresses anger appropriately, they are being honest, which makes for
better relationships. Everyone should learn how to trust themselves and others so as to
consistently act appropriately. Many times anger works like an umbrella to protect us
from the cold rain of uncomfortable emotions. For example, it’s easier to blow up at
your boss when you are late for work rather than to feel the shame of not taking care of
business. Some of the feelings that anger “protects” us from include sadness,
loneliness, confusion, and fear. Everyone will have these feelings, but by always
displaying anger, instead of the real emotion, these feelings are hidden from ourselves
and others.
Being able to deal with anger can be very rewarding, but you must have a plan. Two
steps for dealing with your anger appropriately are:
 Ask yourself what about the situation makes you angry; and
 Look at the feelings under your anger. Are you really angry or is there another
feeling that would cause you to react as if you were angry? Be honest!
These are not easy steps. Asking yourself what makes you angry might seem like a
simple task. However, often anger has consumed us before we think about that
question. Help lower your anger by slowing down. Taking a 5 minute timeout can often
help a person to answer the question.
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Anger Prevention Patterns
Pattern #1 -- Stop—Think of the Immediate Consequences
 Before you act, think about the immediate consequences.
 Ask, “What gets me angry?”
 Think, “Anger leads to violence.”
Pattern #2 -- Stop and Think about Who Gets Hurt—Reasoning Process
 Think about all the problems that your anger has caused you and others in the
past.
 Use the guilt of hurting others to change yourself.
 Think about the whole picture or ripple effect . . . (i.e., you, family, community,
etc.)
Pattern #3 -- Plan Ahead, Think Ahead, Make Another Choice
 Use this when you are reminded of negative past actions.
 Try to foresee with whom, where, and under what circumstances you might get
angry. List ahead of time your past thoughts and actions that would lead to
anger.
 Avoid these people and places, and make another choice.
Pattern #4 -- Examination of Conscience—Moral Inventory Daily
 Think more about the consequences of your actions rather than the incident
itself.
 Think about how your anger would affect others.
 Examine your conscience immediately. Think about the effect of your
irresponsible conduct.
Pattern #5 – Don’t Dwell On It
 Use responsible thinking patterns to replace the old patterns.
 Do this in advance and practice it.
Activity:
Complete The Umbrella of Anger Activity worksheet.
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The Umbrella of Anger Activity
What feelings do you hide from others under your anger umbrella? Answer the following
questions as honestly as you can. You might be surprised by the answers.
 Have you ever been sad and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A guy breaks up with his girlfriend, goes to a bar and gets in a fight. Is
he really angry? Or does he think that he will look weak if people know he is sad?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 Have you ever been lonely and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A man is incarcerated and has no friends or family visit during his
incarceration period. Therefore, he is constantly deviant and fights with others.
Is he really angry or does he not want to admit that he is simply lonely?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 Have you ever been confused and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A man buys a new bicycle for his child’s birthday. The night before the
big party, he tries to assemble the bicycle, but he cannot figure out how to get the
handle bars on. This situation initiates an argument with his wife. Therefore, he
storms out of the room leaving the bicycle in pieces. Is he really angry? Or, is he
confused?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 Have you ever been afraid and pretended that you were angry instead?
Example: A guy does not want to meet his date’s parents because he thinks his
criminal record will make them dislike him. Instead of telling his girlfriend that he’s
nervous, he tells her that he simply doesn’t want or need to visit her parents. Is
he really angry or is he afraid?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
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Section 4: Anger Management
ORIGIN OF ANGER
Objective: Interpret body language
Body Language is the language which shows the way we may be thinking during a
conversation. Body language comes in clusters of signals and postures, depending on
the internal emotions and mental states.
 Aggressive body language: Showing physical threat.
 Bored body language: Just not being interested.
 Closed body language: Not wanting to reveal.
 Deceptive body language: Seeking to cover-up, lying or other deception.
 Defensive body language: Protecting self from attack.
 Emotional body language: Identifying feelings.
 Evaluating body language: Judging and deciding about something.
 Open body language: Wanting to reveal.
 Power body language: Demonstrating one’s power.
 Relaxed body language: Comfortable and unstressed.
 Submissive body language: Showing you are prepared to give in.
AGGRESSIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Facial Signals: Much aggression can be shown in the face, from disapproving frowns
and pursed lips to sneers and full snarls. Attack Signals: When somebody is about to
attack, they give visual signals such as clenching of fists ready to strike and lowering
and spreading of the body for stability.
BORED BODY LANGUAGE
Distraction: A bored person looks anywhere but at the person who is talking to them.
They find other things to do, from doodling to talking with others to staring around the
room. Repetition: Bored people often repeat actions such as tapping toes, swinging feet
or drumming fingers. The repetition may escalate as they try to signal their boredom.
CLOSED BODY LANGUAGE
Arms Cross: In a closed position one or both arms cross the central line of the body.
They may be folded or tightly clasped or holding one another. There may also be
holding one another. Legs Cross: When legs are crossed but arms are not, it can show
deliberate attempts to appear relaxed. This is particularly true when legs are hidden
under a table. Looking down or away: The head may be inclined away from the person,
and particularly may be tucked down.
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DECEPTIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Anxiety: A deceptive person is typically anxious. This may include sweating, sudden
movements, minor twitches of muscles (especially around the mouth and eyes), and
changes in voice tone and speed. Control: In order to avoid being caught, there may be
various signs of over-control such as forced smiles or jerky movements. Distracted: A
person who is trying to deceive will need to think more about what they are doing.
Therefore, they may drift off or pause as they think about what to say or hesitate during
speech.
DEFENSIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Covering Vital Organs: In physical defense, the defensive person will automatically tend
to cover those parts of the body that could get damaged by an attack. Fending off:
Arms may be held out to fend off an attacker and possibly straight out or curved to
deflect incoming attacks. Seeking escape: Flicking the eyes from side to side shows
that the person is looking for a way out.
EMOTIONAL BODY LANGUAGE
Anger: It occurs when achievement of goals is frustrated. Examples are red face, baring
of teeth, clenched fists, invasion of body space, etc. Fear and nervousness: Fear occurs
when basic needs are threatened. Examples are cold sweat, pale face, damp eyes,
varying speech tone, etc. Sadness: It indicates a depressive state. Examples are
drooping of body, flat speech tone, etc.
EVALUATING BODY LANGUAGE
Hand Movements: The classic signal of evaluation is the steeped hands which are
clasped together, either looking like they are praying, with both hands pressed together,
or with linked fingers and with index fingers only pointing upwards. Relaxed intensity:
The body may well be relaxed and open. The person seems to be unafraid or even
unaware of danger. However, there is also a level of concentration, perhaps with pursed
lips and an intense gaze. The chin may be resting in one or both palms.
OPEN BODY LANGUAGE
Arms & Legs Open: Arms and legs are not crossed. For example, appearing to hold
things and form more detailed shapes. Looking around and at the other person: The
head may be directed solely towards the other person or may be looking around. Eye
contact is likely to be relaxed and prolonged. Relaxed clothing: Clothing is likely to
hang loosely and actions to loosen clothing may take place.
POWER BODY LANGUAGE
Handshake: As the other person approaches, move to the left side, extend your arm
horizontally, palm down (be first to do this). Grab their palm firmly, pull them in and hold
their elbow with your left hand. Touching: Touching is a power symbol. Touching
people can be threatening and is used by leaders to demonstrate power. Talking &
Emoting: Talk with confidence and use the body beat in time with assertions. It is also
powerful to show that you have emotion but in the right place only.
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RELAXED BODY LANGUAGE
Torso: The torso may sag slightly to one side (but not be held there by irregular
tension). It may also be well-balanced, with the shoulders balanced above the pelvis.
Breathing: Breathing is steady and slower. This may make the voice a little lower than
usual. Relaxed limbs: Relaxed limbs hang loosely. They do not twitch and seldom
cross one another, unless as a position of comfort.
SUBMISSIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Body Positions: The body in fearful stances is generally closed and may also include
making the body small and motionless. Submissive Gestures: There are many gestures
that have the primary intent of showing submission and that there is no intent to harm
the other person. Hands out and palms up shows that no weapons are held and is a
common pleading gesture.
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Section 4: Anger Management
ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Learn that anger is a normal emotion
Overview on Anger:
 Anger is normal and not necessarily wrong.
 Anger can be harmful when handled by:
 Ventilation of anger (letting anger out).
 Internalization of anger (keeping anger in).
 Anger is often the result of poor self-image or poor self-esteem.
 Individuals with a poor self-image often feel that they have to over
compensate to make others like them. One quote that puts it into
perspective is: “You are as sick as your secrets.” If you feel afraid or
inferior, no one can help you unless you tell them.
 Anger often leads to wrong choices and responses.
 Vengeance, bitterness, hatred, revenge, resentment & judgmental
attitudes.
 Verbal abuse.
 Dishonest sharing of our true feelings.
 Refusing to share and pretending it doesn’t matter in order to keep the
peace.
 Anger can be controlled.
 Anger must be acknowledged before we can put it away.
 Outbursts must be restrained. We need to learn to think before we act.
 Forgive and seek forgiveness to keep anger from controlling us.
 The urge to seek revenge and develop a judgmental attitude must be
resisted.
Causes of Anger:
 Injustice: A truly valid reason for anger but one of the least common causes of
anger.
 Frustration: An obstacle (event, person, or physical barrier) that hinders our
progress toward a goal.
 Threat & Hurt: Threats challenge our self-esteem and make us feel so vulnerable
that anger and aggression become ways to fight back. Hurt and anger almost
always go together. Hurt feelings arise seconds after an event; then, anger
skyrockets into our awareness. The anger usually comes so quickly and is so
real that it is easy to miss the hurt that comes first.
 Learning: Many of us have been moved to action by words or by the actions of
someone that provoked our anger. This can be a negative learning experience
as well. By watching and listening to others, we learn to become more easily
angered and more outwardly aggressive.
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ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Control and prevent anger
Have each person in the group discuss a situation that has invoked anger in the past.
Then using the techniques below, discuss ways of controlling the anger of the situation.
Step 1: Relax yourself by using deep, natural breathing and muscle relaxation.



Take deep breaths and silently repeat the words “relax” until you are able to calm
down.
Do not say or do anything until you are calmed down.
Avoid words or actions in the “heat” of the moment.
Step 2: Recognize what aroused or provoked your anger.


Is it a situation, an event, or a person?
Is it real or imagined?
Step 3: Use a rational approach to “rethink,” “reframe,” and reason in your mind
what is going on and why you are angry.







Is this event triggering old unresolved anger or is this just resentment in me?
How is this event related to my past?
What is really making me angry?
Maybe the person provoking my anger is having a bad day or needs more of my
understanding.
How am I feeling about this?
What needs to be changed here?
What alternatives could I use to get the best results in handling this situation?
Step 4: Once you have a “clear” idea of what is going on, take steps to change the
situation that has provoked the anger.






Use “I” statements. “I feel angry when you . . .”
Clarify your feelings about the situation.
Point out issues needing clarity.
Relate to the person and how the past is directly connected to the current situation.
Identify the unresolved anger, resentment, hostility, or depression and work on it.
Inject some humor into the situation to defuse the anger or hostility.
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Section 4: Anger Management
ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Identify constructive ways to deal with internal and external anger
Ways to Deal with Anger:
 Withdrawal:

The easiest but LEAST EFFECTIVE way to deal with anger is to simply
withdraw.
o leaving the room
o plunging into work or other activity
o drinking or taking drugs
o denying the anger (consciously or unconsciously)
 Turning Inward:

Problems are not solved by denying them or by withdrawing. At best, the
relief is only temporary, and in time the pressure builds until it explodes
and creates more difficulties. Internal anger is a powerful force which may
express itself in other ways.
o Physical Symptoms (ulcers, high blood pressure, headaches, or
heart attacks)
o Psychological Reactions (anxiety, fear, tension, or depression)
o Unconscious attempt to self harm (accident or self-inflected)
o Self-pity or thoughts of revenge
o Struggles due to bitterness, wrath, anger, and slander
 Attacking a Substitute:

This is a common tendency to blame innocent people when things are not
going well (blaming family members for the loss of a job).
 Facing the Sources of Anger:

This can be done in either a destructive or a constructive way.
o Destructive reactions
 verbal or physical aggression
 ridicule or cynicism
 refusal to cooperate
 involvement in things which hurt or embarrass someone
 alcohol consumption
 failing school or project
 cheating on a spouse
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
taking an ‘eye-for-an-eye’ approach
o Constructive reactions
 admit your anger to others
 ask for help with identifying the source of the anger
 prevent pride, lack of self-esteem, or feelings of injustice
from controlling the situation
 stop and reanalyze the situation before reacting
Activity:
Read each scenario below. Using the previous lessons on Anger Management,
think of constructive solutions to deal with each situation.
1. A friend asks to borrow $100.00. You agree, but only on the condition that he
promises to return it the following week. Next week, he gives you $20.00, saying
that is all he has and that he won’t be able to give you the rest for a couple of weeks.
2. A friend sees you flirting with someone you really like and makes a teasing remark
when he passes the two of you.
3. You and John take an English class. On the final grade report at the end of the
semester, your English grade is a “B”, but John’s grade is an “A”. You know that you
have done “B” work, but all of John’s test grades were consistently lower than yours.
4. The Shift Captain sees you walk away from the lunch table without cleaning up
your garbage and assigns you extra-duty for a week of after-lunch cleaning the
cafeteria tables.
5. You are driving home from work and your tire goes flat. You need to call your
family to let them know that you will be late but your cell phone has no service.
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Section 4: Anger Management
ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Identify alternative responses to reduce anger by using social skills (i.e.
convincing, negotiating, making a complaint, asking for help)
To make a good choice in any situation, we have to think of more than one way to act.
Maintaining self-control increases the number of choices available to us. We do not
have to respond automatically to any situation. We can calm ourselves and think about
the best way to handle the problem.
In this lesson, we are going to discuss some constructive ways to solve problems that
may cause anger. These choices include: convincing, negotiating, making a complaint
or asking for help. Having these additional choices for solving problems gives us a
better chance of getting what we want and getting around things that are in our way.
Let’s look at what is involved in the process of convincing another person to do
something our way.
Activity:
Review Handout #1- Convincing Others.
Review the Problem Solving Steps. Consider instances where you can use this
skill. Can you think of a problem situation where you wanted to convince
someone to do something?
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HANDOUT #l
SOCIAL SKILLS: Convincing Others
STEPS
1. Decide if you want to convince
someone about something.
It might be doing something your way,
going someplace, interpreting events, or
evaluating ideas.
2. Tell the other person your ideas.
Focus on both content of ideas and
feelings about point of view.
3. Ask the other person what he/she
thinks about it.
This requires use of listening skills.
4. Tell why you think your idea is a
good one.
5. Ask the other person to think about
what you said before making up his/her
mind.
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later point in time.
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Activity:
Another way of handling problems is to negotiate. Let’s take a look at how that is
done.
Review the Handout #2 - Negotiating. Consider instances where you can use this
skill. Can you think of an example of a problem situation where you and another
person had a difference of opinion? Compromise may be a necessary step in
negotiating process. Most often people who choose to negotiate expect
compromise.
Negotiating is not the same skill as Convincing. Negotiating is a skill that requires an
ability to understand the feelings of others. As we already learned, negotiating also
presumes we are willing to compromise, that there will be some give and take, that we
will meet the other person half way or part way to find a solution.
There are times when issues cannot be resolved by either convincing or negotiating.
You may decide that you want to make a complaint. Making a complaint may sound
like an easy thing to do, but if we want to get our way there are steps we should follow
in making a complaint. These steps might increase our chances for success. Following
these steps will also help us maintain self-control so that we do not make our complaint
when we are angry and not thinking straight.
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HANDOUT #2
SOCIAL SKILLS: Negotiating
STEPS
1. Decide if you and the other person
are having a difference of opinion.
Are you getting tense or arguing?
2. Tell the other person what you
think about the problem.
State your own position and your
perception of the other’s position.
3. Ask the other person what he/she
thinks about the problem.
4. Listen openly to his/her answer.
5. Think about why the other person
might feel this way.
6. Suggest a compromise.
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into account the opinions and feelings of
both persons.
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Activity:
Review Handout #3 - Making a Complaint.
Consider instances where you can use this skill. As you read, think of the
importance of spending time thinking about your complaint and what you want
done about it, deciding the appropriate person to complain to, expressing the
exact nature of the complaint and what you want done and asking the person to
tell you how he or she feels about the complaint.
At times, we will encounter a problem that we are not sure how to handle. In these
situations, our best choice may be to ask for help. If we are use to solving problems on
our own, asking someone for advice or help may be difficult for us. We may have
thoughts or beliefs that influence us to go it on our own or tough it out by ourselves, but
doing this may not get us what we want.
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HANDOUT #3
SOCIAL SKILLS: Making a Complaint
STEPS
1. Decide what your complaint is.
What is the problem?
2. Decide whom to complain to.
Who can resolve it?
3. Choose the right time and place
making a complaint.
It may be a private place, or a time when
the other person is unoccupied.
4. Tell that person what you would
like done about the problem.
Consider alternative ways to complain
(e.g., politely, assertively, privately).
5. Ask how he/she feels about what
you’ve said.
Offer a helpful suggestion about resolving
the problem.
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Activity:
Let’s look at the steps involved in asking for help.
Review Handout #4 – Asking for Help. Consider instances where you can use this
skill. As you read, think of some issues we have that we cannot solve by
ourselves. Think about when it may be necessary to seek out persons who are
good problem solvers (i.e., those who get “good” results).
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HANDOUT #4
SOCIAL SKILLS: Asking for help
STEPS
1. Decide what the problem is.
Be specific; who and what are contributing
to the problem; what is its effect on you.
2. Decide if you want help for the
problem.
Figure out if you can solve the problem
alone.
3. Think about different people who
might help you and pick one.
Consider all possible helpers and choose
the best one.
4. Tell the person about the problem
and ask that person to help you.
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HOMEWORK
1. Think about the problems you have that remain unsolved. Review the Social Skills
you learned in this lesson. Decide whether or not the skills will help you solve these
problems. Select a problem that may be solved by using these skills. Describe your
problem and the Social Skill(s) you will chose to solve the problem. Write down your
plan for solving the problem using the Social Skill steps as a guide.
a. Describe your problem.
b. What Social Skill(s) could you use to help you solve the problem?
(Circle one or more.)
Convincing
Negotiating
Making a complaint
Asking for help
c. What steps will you take to solve the problem?
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ANGER CONTROL STRATEGIES
Objective: Evaluating and responding to criticism and provocation without anger
Criticism is finding fault in someone or something. Many times criticism involves judging
another person in a harsh, unfair or an unfavorable way.
Criticism at times is good for us. It can help us understand some things about ourselves
that we were not aware of. We may even learn to appreciate some forms of criticism.
Let’s try to think of some examples of criticism we might appreciate.
At other times, we may feel that we are being criticized unfairly or disagree with what is
being said to or about us.
Whether we believe the criticism is fair or not, most of us tend to respond to all criticism
with anger. But if we become upset, it is unlikely that we will be able to handle the
situation in a way that is helpful to us. If we remain calm when we are criticized, we will
have many more choices in how we respond to the criticism.
Handling criticism is a skill that will help us cope with stressful situations and be more
successful in solving our problems.
Let’s look at the steps involved in handling criticism.
Activity:
Review HANDOUT #1 – How to Receive Criticism.
Can you think of a recent situation where you were criticized? How did you
handle it?
Criticism is not the same thing as provocation. However, many people use criticism to
provoke another person. To provoke means to intentionally try to anger another person.
Maintaining self-control in a situation where someone is trying to provoke you can be
very difficult but it can be done.
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HANDOUT #1
SOCIAL SKILLS: How to Receive Criticism
STEPS
1. Listen carefully.
Face the person, establish eye contact, do not
interrupt or discourage the person, listen to
what is being said, try not to think about how
you will defend yourself or respond.
2. Think about what is being said.
Ask yourself, “Why does
es the person feel the
way they do?”
3. Ask for specific information if the
statements being made are too general.
Ask the person, “Can you tell me what I do or
say that makes you feel that way?"
4. Let the other person know that
you’ve heard and understand what was
said.
Repeat the criticism in your own words. “What
I hear you saying is."
5. Think about what was said.
Ask yourself:
- Am I being asked to change something I am
capable of changing?
- Am I willing to work at changing it?
- What is true in what the person is saying?
What is not true?
- What are the consequences of changing and
not changing?
6. Decide how you will respond.
Acknowledge the truth in the statement
"Certain things you say might be true.”
“I can see how you might think that.”
- If you disagree with the criticism, say so and
explain
ain the situation as you see it.
it “I don’t see
things the same way as you do.”
If you agree with the criticism:
- Apologize if appropriate.
- If you are willing to make changes, say so.
- Try to find a solution that meets both your
needs.
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Activity:
Let’s look at the steps involved in handling provocation.
Review HANDOUT #2 – Handling Provocation and think of ways you can use this
skill.
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HANDOUT #2
SOCIAL SKILLS: Handling Provocation
STEPS
1. Listen to what the other person is
saying.
What is being said? Is it accurate or
inaccurate? What is the other person’s
tone of voice and body language?
2. Determine whether you are
being provoked or criticized.
Was it said in a mean way or a
constructive way?
Is the other person calling you names,
teasing you or making threats to harm
you?
3. Decide if you want to ignore/get out
of the situation or respond.
Consider the risks versus the gains (short
and long term consequences).
Think about what the other person
p
might
say to you.
Think about things that might happen
during the conversation.
Determine whether or not you will be able
to remain calm.
4. If you decide to respond, think about
different ways you could say what you
have to say.
5. Choose to respond in the way that
worked best for you in the past.
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HOMEWORK
1. Try to remember a situation in which you were criticized or provoked by another
person.
Complete a Problem Log on the next page about the incident.
2. Using the Social Skill Handouts from this lesson as a guide, describe the specific
steps you would take if this problem occurred again.
a. What Social Skill would you use to help solve the problem?
How to receive criticism
How to handle provocation
b. What steps would you take to solve the problem?
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PROBLEM LOG
Date: ____________
Time: _______________
A. What is the problem? (Describe the situation including who is involved, where
it happened and what happened):
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
B. Report your thoughts as they occurred:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
C. Describe your feelings before, during, and after this event:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
D. What did you want to happen?
_______________________________________
______________________________________________________________
_______________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
E. What did you do or say to solve the problem?
___________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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F. What was the outcome? Did your choice solve the problem?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
G. How well did your choice work? (Circle One):
Poorly
Not so well
OK
Good
Great
H. What were your thoughts after the event?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
I. What were your feelings after the event?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
J. How would you handle this situation if it occurred again?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 5:
Values & Principles
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Define values
- Learn the differences between values & principles
- Learn about paradigms & paradigm shifts
- Apply principles to real life scenarios
Topics:
- Values
- Principles
- New Words, New Thoughts & New Horizons
- Practical Applications
Section 5-Values & Principles
What are Values? (Discuss question)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Some values:
Success
Responsibility
Stability
Respect
Excellence
Discipline
Kindness
Honesty
Patience
Dignity
Reliability
Freedom
Maturity
Gratitude
Consistency
Morality
Trustworthy
 Questions for Discussion:
Where did you get your values?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Can values change?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
What are some of your values that have changed?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
How can you measure your values?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
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GENERAL LIFE VALUES EXERCISE:
Look at this list of values and decide which ones are most important to you, ranking each from 1
to 10. Each value can only have one number ranking. Some of these may be very close but still
use only one number per value. What is most important to you, next important, etc.
______
Culture
______
Family
______
Health
______
Productivity
______
Freedom
______
Success
______
Love
______
Adventure
______
Nature
______
Religion


Values are actually revealed by one thing – your choices!
A value is not a value unless it has seven factors. A value must be:
1. freely chosen
2. chosen from considering alternatives
3. chosen with a clear knowledge of consequences
4. prized and cherished
5. publically proclaimed
6. acted on
7. acted on repeatedly
Principles
Real character growth starts with the humble admission that we are not in control and that
principles are. Everyone is driven by what they value but values aren't always principle-based.


Values imply situations, personal beliefs, social traditions, cultural norms, or relative truths.
Principles are absolute and universal; they never change.
You may think that it's just a matter of words and that when most people talk about values they
really mean these universal principles. There is a clear difference between principles and
values.
How are principles different than values?
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____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
The Humility of Principles
 The key to improving quality of life is to be centered on principles
 We're not in control; principles are in control
 We're arrogant when we think we are in control
 We may control our actions, but not the consequences of our actions (Remember the
consequences lesson in Section 2?)
Building character and creating a better quality of life are functions of aligning your beliefs
(values) and behaviors (choices) with universal principles.
Principles are:
 Impersonal – they don’t depend on your circumstances
 External – outside of yourself
 Factual – “black & white”
 Objective - unemotional
 Self-evident – “plain as day”
Some basic principles are: fairness, justice, integrity, honesty and trust. If your current life is not
in alignment with these principles, then you might trade a “value-based map” for a “principlecentered compass.
What is the difference between a compass and a map?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________

Gravity is a principle and a natural law. You don’t have to be aware of it, believe in it or
even know of it but try to defy it by stepping off a roof and see what happens. And although
in a fall gravity has negative consequences (there’s that word again), it also keeps you from
flying off the planet – and this is a positive consequence. Life can be difficult. When we
work against principles life gets even more difficult. But once you understand basic
principles of life it becomes significantly less difficult.
Pain is the ultimate tool for changing a belief!
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To make life-changes often takes a crisis. In the absence of such a crisis, we tend to live in
complacency – doing good, easy, or routine things that we don't even stop to ask ourselves if
we're doing what really matters.
What crisis (pain) in your life has caused real change in you?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
What do these two statements mean to you?
1. Humility is the mother of all virtues
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
2. Courage is the father of all virtues
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
When you set up your own value system and then develop your mission and goals based on
what you value, you tend to create laws unto yourself, proud and independent.
Is your current situation real enough for you to see the consequences of this truth?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Just because we value a thing doesn't mean that having it will enhance our quality of life. We
see people who cling to their current life-style based on self-selected values and bad habits
even as their "ship" is sinking when they could be floating safely on the life raft of principles.
Nothing sinks people faster than arrogance. Arrogance proclaims "I know best!"
With pride, we often sow one thing and expect to reap another. The classic definition of insanity
is: repeating the same behaviors over and over again expecting different results. Many of our
views (maps) of the world and the routines and habits that grow out of them never produce the
results we expect because they are based on illusions. Like the mirage of an oasis in a desert
you go expecting to find water and shade but only find sand and hotter sun. Something is
wrong.
Arrogance is the lack of self-awareness; blindness; an illusion; a false form of selfconfidence; and a false sense that we're somehow above the laws of life.
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Quality of life can't grow out of illusion. Illusion means:
1.
Something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality.
2.
A perception that represents what is perceived in a way that is different from the way it is
in reality.
Your life may be based on an enchanted view that needs to be dis-enchanted, to face the truth
that your life is not measuring up to your expectations.
What illusions might be driving you deeper into a desert?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Four Gifts
Humans have four unique gifts or skills that help to distinguish between reality and illusion (to
change your map into a compass) and to align our lives with the realities outside of us that
govern quality of life.
1.
2.
3.
4.
Self-awareness (know who you are and your purpose in life);
Conscience (sense of right and wrong);
Independent Will (your freedom – and responsibility – of choice); and/or
Creative Imagination (see next page for power of words teaching).
Four Ways to Care for Your Unique Gifts:
1. Care for self-awareness by keeping a journal.
2. Teach your conscience by learning, listening, and responding.
3. Nurture your independent will by making and keeping promises.
4. Develop creative imagination by seeing your new life.
The Two Main Principles:
1. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL – PRINCIPLES ARE!
2. NO SHORTCUTS! – THE LAW OF THE FARM
Principle #1: You are not in control!
What does this mean? Just what it plainly states – no matter how much you think you are in
control you are not. Principles are. That doesn’t get you off the hook though. You are still
responsible for your choices, actions and…their consequences.
Principle #2: NO shortcuts!
The Law of the Farm is another way of understanding this principle. Picture a corn or dairy
farmer. The corn farmer prepares the soil in early spring, plants the seeds, fertilizes and then
waits for nature to take its course. He cannot do anything to change the outcome. If he waits
until early summer and then applies extra fertilizer, water and sunlight his crop will not be corn,
but weeds. Weeds love fertilizer, water and sun. Said another way, “You reap what you sow.” A
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dairy farmer has to milk his cows twice a day. If he thinks he can skip a morning or even a day
and his harvest will be twice the amount of milk he is wrong. His cows will be in distress and the
milk production will go down not up.
This is why principle #2 – there are no shortcuts is so important to understand.
Think about your own life and how and where you might have tried to go against the flow of
these two key principles and what that produced. Give two examples from your life:
1. __________________________________________________________________________
2. __________________________________________________________________________
Integrity means soundness or completeness. Total integrity is a struggle and we do not always
"walk our talk." It is easier to talk and teach than to practice what we preach. You must commit
to having total integrity around principles.
NEW WORDS  NEW THOUGHTS  NEW HORIZONS
Words have power and the words we speak to ourselves have the most power.
With the above truth in mind, new words, or the correct meaning of words we use but don’t
always understand, can make a difference in your life.
A new word: paradigm (par-uh-dime) is another word for pattern of something; a model. It is
how one sees life. It is your view of things or how you filter information and interpret it. It is the
way you assume things really are or should be. The way you perceive something will affect the
way you behave and interact with other people.
You see the world, not as it is, but as you are conditioned to see it. When you describe what you
see, you in effect describe yourself, your view, your filter, your paradigm. When other people
disagree with you, you think there is something wrong with them.
One Sunday morning on a subway in New York people were sitting quietly – some
reading newspapers, some lost in thought, and some resting with their eyes closed.
It was a calm, peaceful scene.
Suddenly a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud
and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.
The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the
situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing
people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet the man sitting next to me did
nothing.
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It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive
as to let his children run wild like that and take no responsibility at all. It was easy to
see that everyone else on the subway was feeling irritated too. So finally, with what I
felt was unusual patience and restraint I turned to him and said, “Sir your children are
really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more.”
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to consciousness of the situation for the first
time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. We just came from the hospital where their
mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t
know how to handle it either.”
Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently.
I felt differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my
attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of
sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry! Can
you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.
When “everything changed in an instant” the storyteller’s paradigm shifted. His view,
map, filter all were changed with additional information. He saw the big picture and with
it he was changed.
What were you thinking or feeling when the story began?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
How did your feelings change when you heard the rest of the story?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
When a paradigm shifts everything starts over. This is known as “Ground Zero.” Think about the
act of terror we now know as “9-11.” That was a major paradigm shift in our nation’s history.
Everything since then has changed in America. Everything. How the world sees us and how we
see the world has changed. We have a new filter, new lenses.
Here is another story illustrating the paradigm-shifting concept of principles:
Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been on maneuvers in heavy
weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and was on watch on
the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain
remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
Shortly after dark, the lookout reported. “Light, bearing on the starboard bow.”
“Is it steady or moving astern?” the captain called out.
The lookout replied, “Steady captain,” which meant we were on a dangerous collision
course with that ship.
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The captain then called to the signalman, “Signal that ship: We are on a collision
course, advise you change course 20 degrees.”
Back came a signal, “Advise you change course 20 degrees.”
The captain said, “Send, I’m a captain, change course 20 degrees.”
“I’m a seaman second-class,” came the reply, “you had better change course 20
degrees.”
By this time the captain was furious. He spat out, “Send I’m a battleship. Change
course 20 degrees!”
Back came the flashing light, “I’m a lighthouse.”
We changed course.
Principles are like a lighthouse
or natural laws that cannot be broken. We
cannot break principles; we only break ourselves against them. This is the hard reality that you
are experiencing today.
Responsibility – “response-ability” or the ability to choose your response. The only “control” we
have is the freedom and the power of choice. Understand that after we make our choice
principles always determine their outcome. Poor choices = poor outcomes: The Law of the
Farm.
It can be hard to accept this but until you can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today
because of the choices I made yesterday,” you cannot say, “I choose otherwise.”
Where do you focus your time and energy? (What are you sowing today that you will reap
tomorrow?)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
When you spend all your time attempting to control and change things you cannot change and
control you probably are exhausted, frustrated, angry and not successful. You end up less in
control, you have lost ground. Where you are right now is proof of this truth.
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An Exercise:
She tries to keep the kids quiet, dinner always there, house spotless, thinking this will control
when and why her husband loses his temper, gets angry and hits her.
 What can she control?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 What can she do?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
What happens to her belief in herself as an independent person when she spends all
her time trying to control someone else’s behavior?
____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________
 What happens when he blames his hitting on her, she made him hit her?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Where is the distorted thinking?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Can she change the way he thinks?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
A Testimony:
“You just can’t imagine what’s happened to me!” she exclaimed.
I’m a full-time nurse to the most miserable, ungrateful man you can possibly imagine.
Nothing I do is good enough for him. He never expresses appreciation; he hardly
even acknowledges me. He constantly harps at me and finds fault with everything I
do. This man has made my life miserable – and I often take my frustration out on my
family. The other nurses feel the same way. We almost pray for his demise.”
“And for you to have the gall to suggest that no other can hurt me, that no one can
hurt me without my consent, and that I have chosen my own emotional life of being
miserable – well, there was just no way I could buy into that.”
“But I kept thinking about it. I really went inside myself and began to ask, “Do I have
the power to choose my response?”
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“When I finally realized that I do have that power, when I swallowed that bitter pill
and realized that I had chosen to be miserable, I also realized that I could choose not
to be miserable.”
“At that moment I stood up. I felt as though I was being let out of San Quentin. I
wanted to yell to the whole world, ‘I am free! I am let out of prison! No longer am I
going to be controlled by the treatment of some other person!’”
An Exercise:
You just got out of prison from serving a sentence for selling drugs. You get out and move back
in with your girl/boy friend. S/he chooses to start selling drugs, which includes bringing drugs
and buyers into the house. You don’t want to go back to prison but his/her behavior is putting
you in risk of returning to incarceration.
 What can you control?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Whose behavior can you control?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 What are your options?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
If you try to talk to her/him, s/he will not change their behavior. You do not have the option of
moving out until you save enough money and find another place to live. During this period
where you are working two jobs to be able to save enough money to move there is a drug bust
and you are arrested. With your record you are going back to jail. You actually were caught
giving a brown bag to an undercover police officer who was there posing as a drug buyer.
 Are you responsible for what was in that bag?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Are you responsible for what goes on in your home?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Did you give up that responsibility?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
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Section 5-Values & Principles
 Can you give up that responsibility?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Are you responsible for what you allow to go on around you?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Excuses:
 “It’s not my fault s/he brought drugs and buyers into our house.”
 “It’s not my fault the place was busted before I had a chance to move.”
 “I am only responsible for my behavior and no one else’s.”
 “I did not know what was in the bag. I just handed it to the man at the door.”
 “I did not know what was in the bag.”
Any time you think the problem is “out there,” that what happened is not your fault and
responsibility – that thought is the problem. You empower what’s “out there” to control
you and what happens.
The distorted thought: “I am not responsible for what s/he does,” is an example of a
thinking error (also known as criminal or addictive thinking) and reflects one of your
values reflected in the choices you made in this example. You chose to stay in the place
where illegal activity was – that was your choice!

Are you being arrested for your behavior or her/his behavior? ____________________
Did you know your girl/boy friend was selling drugs and buyers were coming to the house?
…Yes? You are responsible for what you do and you did give the bag to someone. Did you
choose to do that? …Yes? You chose to still do behavior that at the very least was being in
possession of drugs …Yes? You chose to risk being in possession of drugs.

Is what you did wrong? _____________________________________________________

Who was responsible for your behavior? ______________________________________

Whose fault was it? ________________________________________________________

Who placed you at risk (s/he or you)? _________________________________________

Who is responsible for you? ________________________________________________
Principles are guidelines for human conduct. They are fundamental and trying to live a life
based on their opposites is useless and a waste of time and life. Why would anyone – why
would you –consider unfairness, deceit, greed, mediocrity or any of the other “values” you may
have been operating under expect a life of lasting happiness and success?
Think about this statement:
“Your best thinking is what got you here!”
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TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 6:
Goals & Goal Setting
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Learn how goals differ from good ideas
- Understand the importance of a life purpose
- Learn about personal mission statements
- Know the S.M.A.R.T. system for goal setting
Topics:
- Goals & Goal Setting
- Life Purpose, Mission & Calling
- Mission Statements
- The S.M.A.R.T. System
Section 6: Goals & Goal Setting
What are goals and how do you feel about them?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
“All disappointment is due to unmet expectations.”
Before anyone can set a goal it is important to have some basic information. There are two
questions that most people don’t ask let alone answer:
1. Who Am I?
2. What is my purpose?
What is your purpose? (Why do you exist?)
Another word for purpose is “mission,” meaning an assignment or task. This is one of the most
important things to work on. Once you know who you are and why you exist, life can begin to
make some sense. Remember that life is difficult, but once you understand it is difficult, it is only
life. Everyone has problems, challenges and difficulties – you must learn to deal with them.
When you know your purpose, your mission or your “calling” in life you can use that as a
measuring stick for decisions. When an opportunity comes your way simply ask, “Does this add
to or take away from my purpose?” If it takes away from it the decision is easily made – even if it
appears to be a good thing!
A mission statement is a brief written statement of the purpose and goals of a person or
organization. It guides the actions, spells out overall goals, provides a sense of direction, and
guides decision making.
What is the mission statement of every Police Department in America?
__________________________________________________________
A personal mission statement is a brief description of what you want to focus on, what you
want to accomplish and who you want to become in a particular area of your life. It is a way to
focus your energy, actions, behaviors and decisions towards the things that are most important.
While there is no unique format or formula for creating your personal mission statement, the
following guidelines may be helpful:



Keep it simple, clear and brief.
Your mission statement should touch upon what you want to focus on and who you want to
become as a person.
Make sure your mission statement is positive.
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




Include positive behaviors, character traits and values that you consider particularly
important and want to develop further.
Think about how your actions, habits, behavior and character traits affect the important
relationships in your life.
Create a mission statement that will guide you in your day-to-day actions and decisions.
Think about how your mission affects the other areas of your life. Will it conflict with or
contradict something else? Is it balanced?
Make it emotional. Including an emotional payoff in your mission statement infuses it with
passion and will make it even more compelling, inspiring and energizing.
Remember that your mission statement is not cast in stone. It will continue to change and
evolve as you gain insights about yourself and what you want out of each part of your life.



Web Resources for writing a Personal Mission Statement:
www.franklincovey.com/msb/missions/login
www.timethoughts.com/goalsetting/mission-statements.htm
www.missionstatements.com
Ask yourself these tough questions:
 How much are you willing to take control of your life?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 How do your ideas about other people affect what happens to you?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 Do other people react to you the way you expect them to react?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
GOALS can be long-term or short-term and there are 5 key elements for a goal to be a goal.
A goal must be S.M.A.R.T. –
1. Specific – detailed, not vague
2. Measurable – progress can be plainly determined
3. Achievable – can be accomplished
4. Realistic – grounded in reality
5. Timely – a start and a finish time/date.
Another important part of goal setting is No Alternative – no “Plan B!” – this may seem to fly in
the face of common sense but if there is an alternative it will distract you from your original plan.
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(“If I can’t find work I know how to make some money on the streets.”) This is followed by
excuse-making, also known as rationalizations. (“I have to feed my children; pay my bills, etc.”)
The following sets of questions are to help you begin to focus, think, plan and achieve your
goals:
4 QUESTIONS:
1. Where do I want to be in life?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
2. How will I get there?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
3. What will get me there?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
4. What could stop me?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
5 STATEMENTS TO CONSIDER:
1. All my life I wish I could…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
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2. I would love to learn to…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
3. If I could start all over again I would…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
4. One thing I want to change in my life is…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
5. I would like to have…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?
1. How have my parent’s / caregiver’s expectations affected my choices?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
2. What are my assumptions about money?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
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3. With whom should I surround myself?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
4. How much power does my environment have over me?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
5. How have I been trapped by success?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
6. Am I willing to spend time before letting my dream manifest itself?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
7. What assumptions did I make when I was young about what I’m good or not good at?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
8. Am I afraid of looking inward?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
9. Am I willing to spend time looking for an answer?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
10. What am I naturally curious about?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
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Passion!
“Passion is the genesis of genius.” – Anthony Robbins
“Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion.” – Hegel
One definition of passion is a willingness for the object or cause of your passion. Another way
of looking at passion is to ask yourself what is really important to you. Do you have a passion for
your family? Your work? Helping people? What are those things in life that hold your attention?
Those are all indicators of your passion. On the negative side of things if you have an addiction
or other compulsive behaviors those things may be your passion. Things like excitement, power
or control.
There is a problem with passion – it requires an honest look deep inside, an inspection of who
we really are and what we stand for. Passion is rare because it requires courage and courage is
always a character issue – a heart issue. When we look at ourselves we may find a lot we don’t
like and often what we have become is far from what our purpose is. Another way of looking at
passion is to ask what am I willing to “suffer for?” Not in a painful way but what are you willing to
give up to follow your dream: Time? Money? Comfort? Status? Reputation?
Imagine you are reading a news magazine like Time or Newsweek and something really
captures your attention. Whatever it is might be a clue to your passion, your purpose or your
mission.
What are you passionate about? (Don’t confuse this word with sex or illegal activities.)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Success:
Everyone has the power for greatness – not for fame, but greatness. Greatness is determined
by service. All of us need a vision for our lives and even as we work to achieve the vision we
must surrender it to the greater power than we know. If you want to have success you can’t
make success your goal. The key is not to worry about being successful but work toward being
significant. The success will naturally follow. How do you serve your way to greatness? When
you shift your focus from success to service, your work will instantly have more meaning.
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My Personal Goals:
A goal is different than a good idea. Goals begin with an idea but for the achievement
process to succeed there are important guidelines or principles that will determine the outcome.
(Review the S.M.A.R.T. rules from earlier in this Section.)
 Write down a goal you have. (short-term or long-term)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 How specific is it? (details)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 How measurable is it? (from beginning to end)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 How achievable is it? (by you)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 How realistic is it? (be honest)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
 How timely is it? (start/finish)
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Is your goal attainable within your time frame? Don’t set yourself up to fail. “Fail to plan; plan to
fail” is more than a saying. If you have one big goal it needs to be broken into smaller shortterm goals. You will do better with small manageable steps than grand plans. There must be
action steps tied to your goal and be flexible but without a “Plan B.” Expect barriers to your
goals; they are part of the process.
Personal Planning:
This would be a good time to review your Personal Transition Action Plan from Section 1 to
see if you need to modify or update your short-term goals following your release from
incarceration. It is important to write down your goals because thoughts are often vague. A
written plan requires you to be specific. This is hard work. It requires time, energy and thinking.
You can do it, don’t give up!
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TRANSITION
100-Hour Program
Section 7:
Social Situations
Objectives:
At the end of this section, the participants will be able to:
- Understand the importance of good communicating
- Learn the importance of asking good questions
- Learn how body language communicates
- Know the differences between passive, assertive &
aggressive behaviors
- The importance of boundaries
Topics:
- Communications
- Active Listening
- Body Language
- Passive, Assertive & Aggressive Behaviors
- Boundaries
Section 7: Social Situations
The arena of social situations is broad and covers most of life. Anytime we find ourselves
interacting with another human being that is a social situation. Sometimes they are casual
encounters – a store checkout clerk or simply walking by someone in a hallway. Other times
social situations can be complex depending on relationships – acquaintances, associates,
friends, family – and even within these relationships there are different degrees of intimacy.
Another way to understand these relationships is to see them as forms of communication – from
formal to informal, close to distant. The key to all social situations is to understand one basic
principal: the only person you are responsible for, and the only one you can change, is you.
What is communication?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Communication is defined as being able to transmit, exchange information, to speak with, to talk
or use writing. Communication affects relationships, work and income and reflects not only
ideas but also what you believe. Remember: “It’s not what you say but how you say it!”
What is the most important part of communication?
____________________________________________________________________________
Why?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Forms of Communication: Words, sounds and nonverbal actions are the 3 forms of
communication.
For effective communicating what do you think is the most important form? ______________.
Next most important form? ______________. Least important form ? ______________.
What percentage (%) of effectiveness would you apply to each of your choices? (Total 100%)
1. _________ %
2. _________ %
3. _________ %
The Basic Rules: (Remember: “It’s not what you say but how you say it!”)
1. You cannot not communicate. (Even refusing to answer a question is communicating.)
2. You communicate on two different levels: 1. what you communicate and 2. how you
communicate.
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Active Listening is listening that truly involves the listener. Listening is not the natural process
you may believe it is. You have control over your listening ability and can learn to be a better
listener.
Why is listening so important?
An obvious answer is that you may miss important information or misunderstand instructions if
you do not listen. In addition, people like to be heard. Most people really appreciate it when
someone seems to listen to them and understand their point of view. When you really listen to
people, you will find they are more receptive to you and your ideas.
Why is listening so difficult?
The basic problem is that we can listen about three times as fast as we can talk. This means
that there is a lot of extra time for our minds to wander, or for us to start planning what we will
say next.
Sometimes emotions interfere with listening.
If you are anxious, angry or fearful it will be harder for you to listen and concentrate on the
speaker. If you are trying too hard to make a good impression (over-selling yourself) and worry
about what the speaker thinks of you, you can miss what they are saying and make a poor
impression in spite of your efforts.
Now that we have determined that listening is the most important aspect of communication let’s
look at how to be a better listener:
1. Pay attention – the moment you notice your mind wandering, stop and get back to what the
speaker is saying. If you get bored listening becomes difficult.
2. Keep your mind open – do not assume you already know what the speaker is going to say.
Don’t follow his thoughts to your conclusions.
3. Encourage the speaker to talk – statements such as, “Yes, I see what you mean,” will show
you are listening.
4. If you don’t understand something, ask – if you are unsure of what is being said re-phrase
what you thought was said to clarify.
5. Relax – take a few deep breaths, tell yourself you are simply there to listen.
6. Take time – if put on the spot with a tough question give yourself time to think before
responding.
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Asking Questions
How do you ask questions that not only appear intelligent but also result in answers that satisfy
the information you are seeking? Here are some tips for asking more open-minded and
informed questions.
Steps:
1. Start with something simple. Asking something simple first lets the information provider
know that you are about to state your opinion but that you fully realize that you do not
comprehend the whole story and that you are hoping they can fill in some gaps.
2. Define exactly what it is you want to know. Before you ask a question, it is important to have
a concept of what is unclear about the information in your head.
3. Never ask a question in an aggressive manner. This indicates that you are only asking the
question to prove to the other person that you are right and they are wrong. Ask because
you are genuinely interested. Otherwise, you will receive a defensive and less than helpful
response.
4. Lay your ideas and assumptions on the table. Take care to make sure that the other person
is fully aware of exactly what your current thinking is and why you think it.
5. Ask politely and second-guess carefully. You are seeking information to fill a gap in your
knowledge and here is the person who may have the answer, so be polite!
6. Be gracious. If you find the information provider is beginning to feel uncomfortable and
maybe out of their depth, do not press the issues. Back down and thank them.
Tips:
 Do not use big words. They will make you sound pretentious (try to sound intelligent by
using “big words”)..
 For certain questions, do some research ahead of time.
Warnings:
 Never ask a question just for the sake of it, whether to bring attention to yourself or for
appearing smart. That is the worst possible motivation for asking a question.
 Watch out for getting aggressive at the response you get if you don't like the answers. If
you're not willing to receive any and all answers, don't ask the question.
 Sometimes a person can answer aggressively to your innocent query. Don't fret; just ask
your question in another way.
Getting What You Want (DEAR MAN)
Describe:
Express:
Assert:
Reinforce:
Describe the current situation.
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation.
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly.
Reinforce the person ahead of time by explaining the positive effects of your
need.
Mindful:
Appear:
Negotiate:
Focus on your objectives.
Be effective & competent with your voice tone, eye contact & physical manner.
Be willing to give to get; offer alternative ideas; focus on what will work for you.
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Body Language:
Remember, “It’s not what you say but how you say it?” Body language is another way of how we
communicate. The way you move is your autobiography in motion, or words heard with the
eyes. Body language is how people reveal certain truths through the movement and stance of
their physical selves.
Just like a neon “OPEN” sign in the window of a local shop signals they are open for business
and you are welcome to enter, so do certain body gestures. The way in which we present
ourselves gives the first clue as to how receptive and approachable we are to everyone that we
meet and interact with.
Body Language Is a Two-Way Street
When you are communicating with someone face-to-face, the words coming out of your mouth
may actually carry very little weight. People are likely to be more influenced by the tone of your
voice and the way that you express yourself through your body language. However, body
language is definitely a two-way street. Not only can it help you communicate your message
more clearly to others, body language also reveals how you are reacting to what others say to
you. While your verbal response may be worded politely, your body language can betray your
true attitude.
Fortunately, by consciously working at it, you can show people that you really are listening to
what they are saying. People will feel comfortable talking to you if you take a relaxed stance. If
you are curious or enthusiastic about what someone else is communicating, don’t be afraid to
let it show in your face. Making direct eye contact and slightly leaning forward are some of the
best cues to let others know that you are interested.
The Handshake
You can judge a lot about a person by their handshake. A firm solid handshake is the way to go
about greeting a fellow human being with respect. Have you ever extended your hand to shake
someone else’s and found that you weren’t sure if it was a hand or a dead fish you were
shaking? Not a good impression is it? A lasting impression all the same and in so brief an
encounter. So next time you reach out and make a good impression, really give them a hand
they will count on.
Arm Gestures
Arm gestures are our personal directional signal as to whether a direct approach is a go ahead
or caution is needed. The more outgoing a person is the more they will move their arms in large
gestures while a more insecure or shy person will hold their arms close to their body. Crossing
your arms in front of your body is defensive and a real “no-no” unless of course you want to
show displeasure or disapproval.
Think of the stance your mother may have held when as a child you had just tracked across her
freshly washed floor with muddy shoes. Can you just picture her standing there with arms folded
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across her chest? Got the picture? Crossing body parts, arm or legs signifies that you are
closing yourself off to others.
Don’t forget about the hands at the end of your arms. You can’t have them just dangling like
some kind of wilted flower. You want to appear friendly and open, and so your hands should
appear open. The palms of the hands in a slightly upward and open position signify earnest
sincerity. Being who you really are is the best way to present yourself. A philosopher once said,
“Be the person you pretend to be.”
You can also listen with your eyes by observing what another person’s body language is saying.
You can listen with the eyes by observing the way people walk. Do they slump? Do they walk as
if they have the weight of the world on their shoulders? Is there a bounce or swagger in their
step? Do they pound the earth with their feet as if they are angry at the world beneath them?
By being aware of your body language and others you can become a better listener and a better
communicator.
Body Language Signals:
Nonassertive
POSTURE
Slumped, shoulders forward
Shifting often, chin down
Sitting legs entwined
Assertive
Aggressive
Erect but relaxed
Shoulders straight, few shifts
Comfortable, head straight or
with a slight tilt
Sitting legs together or
crossed
Erect, tense, rigid
Shoulders back, jerky shifts or
planted in place, chin up or
thrust forward
Sitting heels on desk, hands
behind head or tensely
leaning forward
Casual hand movements
Relaxed open hands, palms
out
Occasional head nodding
Chopping or jabbing with
clenched hands
Pointing sweeping arms
Sharp, quick nods
FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
Lifted eyebrows, pleading
look, wide-eyed, rapid blinking
Nervous or guilty smile,
chewing lower lip
Shows anger with averted
eyes, blushing
Relaxed, thoughtful, caring or
concerned look
Few blinks, genuine smile
Relaxed mouth, shows anger
with flashing eyes, serious
look, slight flush or color
Furrowed brow, tight jaw
Tense look, unblinking glare
Patronizing or sarcastic smile,
tight lips
Shows anger with
disapproving scowl, very firm
mouth or barred teeth
Extreme flush
VOICE
Quiet, soft, higher pitch “uh’s”
“ah’s” and hesitations
stopping in mid-sentence
Nervous laughter, statements
sound like questions with
voice tone rising at the end
Resonant, firm, pleasant,
smooth, even-flowing
comfortable delivery
Laughter only with humor
Voice tones stay even when
making statements
Steely quiet or loud, harsh
“biting-off” words
Precise measured delivery
Sarcastic laughter
Statements sound like orders
or pronouncements
GESTURES
Fluttering hands, twisted
Motions, shoulder shrugs
Frequent head nodding
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Notice the headings of this chart and the words nonassertive, assertive and aggressive. We will
look at these categories of behavior later but for the exercise following these are the three styles
of communication to think about. Again, “it’s not what you say but how you say it.”
Body Language Exercise:
Given the list of body language signals above how would you classify the following examples?
Answers will be either NAS=Nonassertive / AS=Assertive / AG=Aggressive
_____ 1. Elbows out, fists on hips.
_____ 2. Touching someone’s forearm as you speak with them.
_____ 3. While walking, putting an arm around someone’s shoulder and firmly grasping their
shoulder on the side opposite you.
_____ 4. Shifting repeatedly from one foot to the other while standing.
_____ 5. Constantly nodding up and down.
_____ 6. Leaning back, propping up feet on desk, grasping hands behind head.
_____ 7. Looking at toes while speaking.
_____ 8. Leaning forward with hands grasped, elbows on knees while seated facing someone.
_____ 9. Rapidly tapping a pencil (like a drumstick) while listening.
_____ 10. Sitting with elbows on table, hands together, chin on hands while listening.
_____ 11. Standing with arms folded while listening.
_____ 12. Standing with arms folded, head tilted and legs crossed.
_____ 13. Looking over the tops of eyeglasses.
_____ 14. Twirling a pencil with fingers at each end while talking.
_____ 15. Elbows on table, hands together at fingertips forming a “steeple.”
Behaviors:
 Assertive behavior is active, direct and honest.
It communicates a message of respect for others and self-respect. By being assertive we view
our wants, needs and “rights” equal with those of others. We work toward “win-win” outcomes.
An assertive person wins by influencing, listening and negotiating so others choose to
cooperate willingly, leading to success without retaliation and encouraging honest relationships.
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Assertive people have the right to say “yes” and also “no” without any particular reason or
excuse. They have the attitude and ability to disagree with someone without being disagreeable,
angry or manipulative.
 Aggressive behavior is about manipulating others through power and control.
It communicates a message of arrogance and disrespect. By being aggressive we put our
wants, needs and “rights” above those of others. We attempt to get our way by not allowing the
other a choice. Aggressive behavior is inappropriate because it violates the boundaries of
others.
Aggressive people believe that other people are placed on earth to serve them and to satisfy
their needs. Their behavior is selfish, unreasonable and demanding.
 Nonassertive (passive) behavior is passive and indirect.
It communicates a message of inferiority. By being nonassertive we allow the wants, needs and
“rights” of others to be more important than our own. A person behaving non-assertively will
often be disregarded and following this path leads to being a victim. Consistent passive
behavior is unhealthy.
Nonassertive people take whatever is dished out to them. They feel incompetent or feel guilty if
they do not satisfy demands placed on them by others.
NOTE: There is a form of nonassertive behavior that is actually aggressive. Known as passiveaggressive it is actually a more serious form of aggressive behavior because it is manipulation
cloaked in kindness or concern; it is deception at its most damaging.
Given the fact that you are incarcerated there is a pretty good chance that your main behavior
style is aggressive or passive-aggressive. A simple test: Ask yourself how you would feel if your
behavior(s) were experienced by you? Chances are you would not like them.
Exercise: How Do You Respond?
Imagine yourself in the following situation and answer honestly. Do not give the answer you
think is right but how you would typically respond.
You are in a line at a store and in a hurry to get home. A man cuts in front of you.
_____ 1. I would feel irritated and angry, but would probably do nothing.
_____ 2. I would feel irritated and angry and would tell the man in a manner-of fact voice that I
was there first and ask that he go to the back of the line.
_____ 3. I would feel irritated and angry and would attack the man verbally telling him what I
thought of his rudeness.
_____ 4. I would not have any feeling about the situation one way or the other.
_____ 5. I would feel irritated and angry, but I would not say anything to the man. I would
complain to the cashier about how rude people can be and ask whether there is
anything she could do about it.
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What if it were a woman with a child who cut in front of you?
How about an older person in a wheelchair?
Exercise: Which Is Which?
Given the list of body language signals above how would you classify the following examples?
Answers will be either NAS=Nonassertive / AS=Assertive / AG=Aggressive
_____ 1. “Only an idiot would think of a solution like that! Don’t you ever think before you
speak?”
_____ 2. “You know, we might want to think about an alternative way, what do you think?”
_____ 3. “Oh, I can’t go – I have other plans.”
_____ 4. “I’m not completely comfortable with your solution. Will you please develop another
option.”
_____ 5. “No thank you. I appreciate you asking me, but I really don’t enjoy the opera.”
_____ 6. “Opera,” you’ve got to be kidding!”
_____ 7. “This probably isn’t what you wanted, but I guess I wasn’t too sure about what you
said, and anyway, I’m not very good at this kind of thing.”
_____ 8. “Well, okay, if that’s what you want to do.”
_____ 9. “Great idea! Let’s do it!”
_____ 10. “Tracy, please send this to all regional offices today.”
Boundaries
The inability to set suitable boundaries at correct times with the right people can be very
destructive.
What are boundaries?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
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What Does a Boundary Look Like?
 In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs and walls are all physical
boundaries.
 Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone else owns.
 Boundaries also define us. They identify what is me and what is not me.
Examples of Boundaries:
 Skin - The most basic boundary.
 Words - The most basic boundary-setting word is no.
 Truth - There is always safety in the truth. (“You are only as sick as your secrets.”)
 Consequences - Trespassing on other people carries consequences.
What Is Within My Boundaries?
Feelings
 Your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem
so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.
Attitudes & Beliefs
 Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something.
 Beliefs are anything that you accept as true.
Behaviors
 Behaviors always have consequences.
Choices
 You need to take responsibility for your choices; you are in control of your choices, no
matter how you feel.
Limits
 You need to be able to say no to yourself.
Thoughts
 Establishing thinking boundaries involves 2 things:
1. You must own your own thoughts. Many people have not taken ownership of their own
thinking processes. They are mechanically thinking the thoughts of others without ever
examining them.
2. You must clarify distorted thinking. The easiest distortions to notice are in personal
relationships. We rarely see people as they really are. Taking ownership of your thinking in
relationships requires being active in checking out where you may be wrong.
Desires
 Many desires masquerade as the real thing.
Love
 Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift.
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A Summary of Boundary Problems
Can’t Say No
The Compliant: Feels guilty and/or controlled
by others; can’t set boundaries
Can’t Hear No
The Controller: Aggressively or manipulatively
violates boundaries of others
Can’t Say Yes
The Nonresponsive: Sets boundaries against
responsibility to love
Can’t Hear Yes
The Avoidant: Sets boundaries against
receiving care of others
The most important “boundary problem” one needs to be aware of is “the controller” since these
are the types of individuals that can get you in trouble.
The Controller: Not Respecting Others’ Boundaries
 Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so
they need to control others.
 Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative and aggressive. The primary problem of
individuals who can’t hear no is that they tend to project responsibility for their lives onto
others looking for someone to carry their individual responsibilities in addition to their crises
and crushing burdens.
 Controllers come in two types:
1. Aggressive controllers. There’s no place for someone else’s no. They attempt to get others
to change, to make the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their own
responsibility to accept others as they are.
2. Manipulative controllers. Less honest than the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to
persuade people out of their boundaries. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get
their own way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages.
Manipulators deny their desires to control others.
Boundary Injuries
 Controllers do lots of damage to others, but they also have boundary problems.
 Controllers are undisciplined people and have little ability to curb impulses or desires.
 Delaying gratification is difficult; that’s why they hate the word “no” from others.
 Controllers don’t take responsibility for owning their own lives. Having relied on bullying or
indirectness, they can’t function on their own in the world.
 Controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of fear, guilt, or dependency.
 Sooner or later, someone will say “no” to us in ways that we can’t ignore. Observe the
progression of “no’s” in the life of the person who resists others’ limits:
1. the no of parents
2. the no of siblings
3. the no of schoolteachers
4. the no of school friends
5. the no of bosses and supervisors
6. the no of spouses
7. the no of health problems from overeating, alcoholism, or an irresponsible lifestyle
8. the no of police, the courts, and then…prison.
Alcohol and Substance Abuse
 Probably the clearest examples of internal boundary problems, alcohol and drug
dependencies create devastation in the lives of addicts. Divorce, job loss, financial havoc,
medical problems, and death are the results of the inability to set limits in these areas.
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Developing Healthy Boundaries
 We usually know what the right thing to do in life is, but we are rarely motivated to do it
unless there’s a good reason. Pain motivates us to act.
 Even with the desire for a better life, we can be reluctant to do the work of boundaries for
another reason: it will be a war. There will be skirmishes and battles, disputes, and there will
be losses.
Exercise: What Can We Change?
Directions: List everything about you “in your skin” that you can change and can’t change in the
left-hand columns. In the right-hand columns list everything outside of yourself you can change
and can’t change.
ME
NOT ME
CAN CHANGE
CAN’T CHANGE
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Remember:
You can’t think your way into a new kind of living, but live your way into a new kind of thinking.
Suggested Activity:
Verbal Communication Lesson Activity
“Drawing Bugs”
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