Artemis
Fowl II.
It took some time to hack into this
computers mainframe however; I Artemis Fowl the II has done it. I expect your puny
brains are wondering why I would spend my time hacking into a child’s computer.
Well, the answer is simple, I going to set the record straight about me and my life. It
irritates me whenever that lying snob Owen Colner or whatever wins a prestigious
award for writing a book about me. The most annoying thing is that he lies about me.
He gets some facts right occasionally but apart from that, 99% of the time, he’s
wrong. In his books, he describes me as a young criminal prodigy. But he’s the only
evil mastermind. I have Butler as my bodyguard and my living quarters are guarded
with technology that hasn’t even been invented yet however that blasted man
always manages to find me.
It seems this child has been assigned homework about the best fictional character
in his opinion. He had only begun to write about me but he was writing from the
perspective of a fan who reads the Artemis Fowl written series. So, I decided to help
him out by hacking into his computer.
For some reason, I am thought of as a very pompous and stuck up but I don’t see
why at all, except for the picture above, but apart from that I just don’t see why. One
thing I certainly know is that I’m clever. My knowledge of computers comprehends
on a level that many fully–grown adults could not even begin to understand. I have
left scientists dumbfounded again and again by my knowledge and have already got
an A level despite me being 12! The picture above is very truthful. I am in fact special
and do not make any mistakes. This is not a sign of arrogance but a sign of
confidence.
Now to talk about the adventures and expeditions this child believes I’ve had, it’s
time to set them straight. I did indeed journey to find the gold of the fairies. I posted
a message on the internet paying a big sum of money to anybody who would find me
a fairy and/or pixie. The first few I got were people having a laugh. Then I met an
American man named Colin Mercier. He told me to meet him at The Golden Gate
Bridge at 5 o’clock in November, 2002. When we got there he led us to an alley full
of drunk, horrifying people, or rather beasts. I was afraid one of them might get my
suit dirty so I stood well away from them. Colin led us to a dead end with a hole in
the wall that only a mole would be able to fit into. It turns out that it belonged to a
fairy named Crackwheat. She threatened to turn us into beetles but I got Butler to
knock her out from behind. (That man is skilled.) I then reached into her ‘hole’ and
grabbed a book; however this was no ordinary book. This was the Booke of fairies
containing the secrets to their existence and magic. I also nicked some of her gold.
And that’s what got me excited. I got Butler to get Colin unconscious, and then we
ran.
The rest of it consists of me searching for some of the fairies gold. I only wanted
some, but then things soon got nasty. For 82cm tall beings, fairies are incredibly
violent. I mean, it would be very
strange if a tiny person
approached you with a revolver
than that was simply too big for
them.
This is a picture
of all the books
that the evil man
has made false
accusations of
me in. He has
paid enormous
sums of money
to illustrators to capture my looks and charm, if I do say so myself. But it gives me
great pleasure to say that he and all his rubbish illustrators have failed. Those suits
that ‘I’m’ wearing are absolutely revolting! I am a man of class and wouldn’t be
caught dead in those! The only covers which are considered acceptable or decent
by me are the first one on the bottom and the one below. They are quite good, no
compliments given. Especially the one that’s blue. It makes me look sly and sinister,
yet still tidy.
In the newest release about me, the author tells the biggest lies. He says in a
mocking way that I have turned NICE! I am not going to send Butler on a mission to
make this man rethink writing false stories with its main subject being me. I have
already humiliated him by getting my revenge. My lawyers snuck into his factory and
added a disclaimer, a warning from me.
My father had disappeared when I was young and ever since then, I had been taken
over by bitterness. The actual reason for me to get the gold was to be able to form
a search party and find him.
I became very close with newly appointed deputy head of
LEPrechaun, Captain Holly Short who appears in all of the series
of Artemis Fowl.
I know I’ve droned on about myself for three pages, but I just
can’t help the fact that I have a more interesting life than many
other people.
I have broken into places through roofs and disarmed bombs. I
am the first human in the world to become allies with fairies. So all in all I’ve lived a
pretty good life so far. But it’s not over yet. There’s still so much more to discover.
The journey never ends….
By Ronald – Puffin class, aged 10