Presents
Avenue Q
(The Musical)
Audition Information
Auditions are
December 1st 9:00 AM – 5:00 PM
December 2nd 12:00 PM – 5:00 PM
Auditions open to Actors 18 years and older
(17 with parent permission)
IMPORTANT PUPPET NOTE:
Gender is not important in puppeteering. The character may be male or female but the
puppeteer does not need to match. If you can create a voice and sing the songs you will be
considered for both, male and female puppet roles.
Show dates: March 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10, 2013
You can sign up online for an audition slot
at
http://www.mponstage.com/registration/
or
e-mail us at [email protected]
or
Call (609) 882-2292
MP Onstage Inc.
INDEX
1. Introduction
2. Character Info
3. Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully)
4. Audition Form
5. Conflict Calendar
6. Plot Synopsis
7. A Few Words from the Authors
6. Audition Scenes
Auditions for
Avenue Q
The Tony Award Winning Musical
Maurer Productions OnStage, the company that
brought you the Perry award winning Elton John
and Tim Rices AIDA, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The
Drowsy Chaperone and the multiple Perry
Nominated shows, Singin' in the Rain and Driving
Miss Daisy, is holding open auditions for its
upcoming Musical production of Avenue Q on
December 1st from 9AM to 5PM December 2nd
from 12PM to 5PM.
AVENUE Q is a gut-bustingly hilarious modern
musical focusing on a group of unique 20somethings making their way in the big city,
seeking their purpose in life. Although the show
addresses humorous adult issues, it is similar to a
beloved children's show; a place where puppets
are friends, Monsters are good and life lessons
are learned. Winner of the Tony "Triple Crown" for
Best Musical, Best Score and Best Book,
AVENUE Q is part flesh, part felt, and packed with
heart. AVENUE Q is a laugh-out-loud musical that tells the timeless story of a recent
college grad named Princeton who moves into a shabby New York apartment all the
way out on Avenue Q. He soon discovers that although the residents seem nice, it's
clear that this is not your ordinary neighborhood. Together, Princeton and his newfound friends struggle to find jobs, dates, and their ever-elusive purpose in life.
(Rated Shocking Pink for Adult content)
This production will be presented at Kelsey Theatre on the West Windsor campus of
Mercer County Community College. The show will include 12 speaking and singing
roles, 9 of which will require puppeteering (Puppeteering training will be provided) and
will be directed by John M. Maurer, Musical Directed by Laurie Gougher,
choreographed by Jane Coult and puppets created by the MPO Puppets Team.
If you have questions, please contact us at [email protected]
Or call 609 882-2292
Auditions: Avenue Q
Date & Time 12/01/2012 - 9:00am - 5:00pm
12/02/2012 - 12:00pm - 5:00pm
Location Mercer County Community College West Windsor Campus
Company: Maurer Productions OnStage Inc.
Director: John M. Maurer
Music Director: Laurie Gougher
Stage Manager: Alycia Bauch
Producer/Finance: Diana Gilman Maurer
Producer/Marketing: Dan Maurer
Choreographer: Jane Coult
Master Carpenter: Jeff Cantor
ROLES AVAILABLE (12-15 Adults)
IMPORTANT PUPPET NOTE: Gender is not important in puppeteering. The character
may be male or female but the puppeteer does not need to match. If you can create a voice
and sing the songs you will be considered for both, male and female puppet roles.
Human Characters - Minimum physical age to audition is 18 years old.
Male: 30 – 45 (B2 - F#4) TENOR
BRIAN
A laid-back guy married to Christmas Eve.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Female: 30 - 45 (B3 - F#5) MEZZO
GARY COLEMAN
Female: 30 – 40 (D3 - Bb5) HIGH BELTER
(must sing very low AND very high!)
A therapist who recently moved to Avenue Q from
Japan.(Heavy Accent)
Yes, that Gary Coleman. Lives on the Avenue and is
superintendent of the apartment buildings.
Puppet Characters - Minimum physical age to audition is 18 years old.
KATE MONSTER
Female:, 25 – 30 (F#3 - F5)
MEZZO COMIC MIX (not a Belting role)
A Kindergarten teaching assistant, who is a bit older than
Princeton.
LUCY T. SLUT
Female: 30 – 55 (F3 - F5)
ALTO/MEZZO (BELTER)
A vixenish vamp with a dangerous edge.
MRS. T
Female: 50 - 65 (Speaking Role)
NICKY
Male: 20 – 30 (B2 - B4) HIGH TENOR
PRINCETON
Male: 20 - 25 (Bb2 - G4) TENOR
ROD
Male: 25 - 30 (A2 - G4) BARITENOR
BAD IDEA BEARS (2)
Male: (Bb3 - G4) TENOR
Female: (Bb3 - C5) ALTO/MEZZO
Crabby and ancient. Kate's boss.
A slacker who lives with Rod.
A fresh-faced kid just out of college and the protagonist.
An investment banker who is Republican and a closeted
homosexual.
Two snuggly, cute teddy-bear types who give bad advice.
TREKKIE MONSTER
Male: 30 - 40 (Bb2 - Eb4) BARITONE
ENSEMBLE & PUPPET
SUPPORT
18 and up - ALL Genders:
A reclusive creature obsessed with the Internet and all it
has to offer.
Help operate puppets that require more than one puppeteer
and Operate background puppets that sing backup in
songs.
1. Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully)
What You Need to Know for the Audition
1.
In order to book an audition appointment, you must register online with our CastMe system by visiting
http://www.mponstage.com/registration and following the instructions. Once you have created an
account on the CastMe system, you must upload your resume and headshot, as well as any
additional information you feel would be appropriate and helpful in the casting process. A series of
online video tutorials are available to help you with the registration process.
2. Once you have created an account on the CastMe system, you should log-in to the system and sign
up for an audition appointment. If you can’t access the website or if you have any problems signing
up, you can call (609) 882-2292 or email us at mailto:[email protected] to schedule an
audition time. If all audition slots are full, or you are not available during the posted audition times
and you still wish to audition for the show, please call and we will try to set up another time for you to
audition. Walks-ins are always welcome and will be seen as time permits, but an appointment is
recommended.
3. After registering with CastMe and booking your audition appointment, you must then complete the
audition application and conflicts calendar contained in this packet. You must bring your printed
copies of your completed application and conflicts calendar, along with a printed copy of your sheet
music, to the audition. Also, if you do not upload your headshot (or recent photo) into the CastMe
system, a quick snapshot will be taken of you at the audition and put into the system.
4. All actors are required to audition with one of the monologues provided. Actors auditioning for puppet
characters are required to audition with a puppet. If you have one you can bring it to auditions. If not
we will have both “hand and Rod” and “Human Arm Puppets” available for you to use. You may be
asked to perform your monologue and song with and without a puppet.
5. Please prepare an entire up-tempo musical theater song for the audition. Plan to perform using your
natural singing voice, but you may also be asked to sing a portion of the song using a “character”
voice. Additional vocalizing may also be a part of your audition to determine vocal range and
harmonizing skills. A pianist will be provided, no recorded accompaniment or a capella auditions are
permitted. Again, you must bring a printed copy of the sheet music, even if you are singing a song
from the show.
6. All auditioners will be required to learn a short dance number. Jazz or character shoes are
recommended for the audition. All auditioners are requested to wear comfortable clothes for the
dance audition that will allow for movement.
7. Actors must arrive at least 10 minutes before the start of their audition time. The audition process
may last 30 to 60 minutes. During that time, the actors, whether individually or in a group, will be
asked to sing, act, dance, try some puppetry and fill out paperwork.
8. The read through will be on December 8th from 11am to 3pm. You should expect four rehearsals per
week, three evenings during the week and one weekend afternoon. These rehearsals will be broken
up by singing, dancing, acting and puppetry classes. Not all actors will be required for all rehearsals.
Call sheets will be made available to the cast to tell you which rehearsals you will need to attend.
However, all cast members should plan to be available most evenings for the two weeks before the
show opens.
9. All cast members are asked to assist with load-in and load-out. Load-in occurs on the Sunday
evening (February 24th) before opening night, and load-out occurs after the last Sunday performance
(March 10th).
Maurer Productions OnStage Inc.
______________
www.mponstage.com
Do not write on this line
The Avenue Q Audition Form
PERSONAL
Name:_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Address: _____________________________________________________________________________________________
Home Phone: _______________________ Work Phone: _______________________ Cell Phone: _____________________
Email Address #1: _____________________________________________________________________________________
Email Address #2: ______________________________________________________________________________________
Sex ________________________ Age Range: _________________________ Date of Birth (month & day)______________
Height: _____________________
Photo is Attached: Yes
No
ROLE
What Role(s) are you Auditioning for?______________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILLS
Voice: (Circle One) Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Baritone, Bass
Vocal Range: ______________________________________
Years of Formal Voice Study: ________ Years of Formal Acting Study: ________ Years of Formal Dance Study: ________
How Do You Rate Your Dance Skills: ______________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Are You Currently Studying Acting, Singing, or Dancing? If so, where/with whom?___________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Do You Read Music? Yes
No
Have You Studied an Instrument: Yes
No
List Special Skills (e.g. Juggling, magic, unicycle riding, play band instrument etc.): ___________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Background
My Resume is Attached: Yes
No
(If no resume see below)
My Acting, Singing and Dancing Experience Includes (List Shows, roles, dates, etc.): _________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
List All Conflicts on the Following Calendars including holidays
Dec
Sun
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Mon
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Tues
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Wed
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Thur
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Fri
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Sat
1
Auditions
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Read
Through
11am to 3pm
Auditions
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
Christmas
January
Sun
Mon
30
31
Tues
1
Wed
Thur
Fri
Sat
2
3
4
5
New Years
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
19
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
29
30
31
-
-
MLK Day
27
28
February
Sun
Mon
-
-
-
-
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
Tues
Wed
Thur
Fri
Sat
Valentine’s
Day
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
-
-
Presidents
Day
24
25
26
27
28
Load In
Tech
Week
Tech
Week
Tech
Week
Tech
Week
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March
Sun
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3
Mon
-
4
Tues
-
5
Performance
2pm
10
Wed
-
6
Thur
-
7
Brush Up
Fri
Sat
1
2
Performance
8pm
Performance
8pm
8
9
Performance
8pm
Performance
8pm
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Performance
2pm
Avenue Q The Musical
SYNOPSIS
Act 1
Recent college graduate Princeton, portrayed by a puppet and equipped only with hope and a Bachelor’s Degree in
English, is looking for two things: his life’s purpose and an affordable apartment in New York City (“What Do You Do
With a B.A. in English?”). On Avenue Q (“a homey, run-down street in an outer-outer borough”), he finds a building
with a sign advertising "Apartment for Rent." He soon meets a motley but friendly assortment of neighbors, including
Kate Monster (a kindergarten teaching assistant, also a puppet), Brian (an unemployed comedian, portrayed by a
human actor), Brian’s Japanese-American fiancé Christmas Eve (also played by a human), and bickering roommates
Nicky (a slacker puppet) and Rod (a straight-laced Republican investor puppet). The superintendent of the building is
none other than former child TV star Gary Coleman (played by a human actor). Gary and all of the tenants each sing
about their personal misfortunes ("It Sucks to Be Me.") Princeton rents an apartment and is welcomed to the
neighborhood, and the stirrings of romance begin between Princeton and Kate Monster.
The next scene finds Rod is in his apartment reading a book about Broadway musicals of the 1940s, when Nicky
interrupts him and begins relating an anecdote about a gay man who was hitting on him in the subway. Rod
immediately becomes uncomfortable, but Nicky assures him that he’d have no trouble accepting Rod if Rod was gay
("If You Were Gay").
The job that Princeton had lined up falls through. Gary Coleman helps convince him that his sudden unemployment is
an opportunity to find his life’s purpose. Princeton (with backing vocals provided by his moving boxes and other
belongings) sings about his desire for a purpose ("Purpose").
Christmas Eve, Brian and Gary Coleman each briefly appear on a video screen and discuss their purpose in life. The
screen goes dark and Princeton finds himself out on the Avenue, where he meets Kate Monster. Kate shares with
Princeton her dream of creating a special school for monsters, where they can be educated without fear of
discrimination. The two then exchange inadvertent racial insults, leading to the ensemble joining them to agree that
they are all slightly racist ("Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist").
Princeton is approached by the Bad Idea Bears, two adorable, snuggly bears who distract him from his quest to find
his purpose and instead convince him to spend his rapidly dwindling funds on a case of beer.
In her apartment, Kate receives a phone call from her unpleasant boss, Mrs. Thistletwat, informing her that Kate will
have to take over the morning kindergarten class. Since Kate will be allowed to teach her class on the subject of her
choice, she decides that she’ll teach them about the Internet. Her perverted neighbor, Trekkie Monster, points out that
the primary purpose of the Internet is to provide pornography. The other male characters all confirm this fact ("The
Internet Is For Porn").
Rod approaches Christmas Eve for her advice on behalf of his "friend", who is a gay investment banker. Christmas Eve
advises Rod to tell this person to stay in the closet. Rod is disappointed.
Princeton brings Kate a mix tape, confirming his romantic interest in her. He asks her to go with him on a date to the
Around the Clock Café.
At the café, Brian performs an opening number ("I’m Not Wearing Underwear Today") before introducing Lucy the Slut,
a seductive puppet who performs a sultry song ("Special").
Kate initially declines to drink because she’s got a big day of teaching tomorrow, but the Bad Idea Bears arrive and
convince Princeton and Kate to enjoy some Long Island Ice Teas. Lucy the Slut starts hitting on Princeton until an
increasingly tipsy Kate intervenes.
Later that night, Kate and Princeton are having sex in Princeton’s bedroom. Brian and Christmas Eve are also having
sex in their apartment. The lovemaking becomes quite noisy, but Gary Coleman and the Bad Idea Bears assure us
that this is just as it should be ("You Can Be As Loud As The Hell You Want When You're Makin' Love").
In Nicky and Rod’s apartment, Rod dreams that he overhears a sleeping Nicky mumble that he is in love with Rod.
Rod is overjoyed ("Fantasies Come True") until he awakens and realizes that Nicky’s love was only a dream.
Meanwhile, Princeton gives Kate his lucky penny as a token of his commitment to her.
The next morning, we learn that Kate has overslept and missed her class. When Mrs. Thistletwat calls and states that
she "should never have hired a Monster", Kate quits her job before she can be fired. Princeton asks Kate to
accompany him, as his girlfriend, to the wedding of Brian and Christmas Eve. She agrees.
Gary Coleman presides over the wedding. After the ceremony, Christmas Eve and Gary ask Nicky if Rod is gay. Nicky
confirms that he believes that Rod is indeed a "closeted homosexual." Rod overhears this and is furious, protesting
that Nicky is wrong about him ("My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada"). Rod kicks Nicky out of their apartment.
The wedding makes Princeton anxious about the fast pace of his relationship with Kate. He abruptly breaks up with
her. Kate is hurt, but salvages her pride ("There’s A Fine, Fine Line").
Act 2
Two weeks later, Princeton is moping in his apartment, alone, unemployed, in mounting debt and no closer to
finding his life’s purpose. The Bad Idea Bears arrive and attempt to convince him to hang himself, but he rebukes
them. The neighbors arrive to cheer Princeton up ("There is Life Outside Your Apartment"). Princeton meets up
with Lucy the Slut and takes her back to his apartment.
Princeton and Lucy encounter Kate in front of the building. Kate is jealous and crushed. Christmas Eve explains to
Kate that love isn’t easy ("The More You Ruv Someone").
Kate leaves a note for Princeton, inviting him to meet her at midnight on the viewing platform at the Empire State
Building. Unfortunately, Lucy intercepts and destroys the note.
Meanwhile, Nicky has been staying with various neighbors since Rod kicked him out, but has now worn out his
welcome with all of them. He asks Gary Coleman to let him sleep on his floor, but Gary refuses, explaining that
everyone takes a measure of comfort from the misery of others ("Schadenfreude").
Kate waits for Princeton on the observation deck of the Empire State Building. On the street below, Lucy informs
Princeton that she is no longer interested in him. Angry because she believes Princeton has stood her up, Kate
throws his lucky penny off the observation deck. It plummets to the street below and strikes Lucy in the head,
knocking her cold.
The scene shifts to a hospital, where Princeton and Kate anxiously await word on Lucy’s condition. Lucy is still
unconscious. Kate realizes that Lucy must have intercepted her note, and that Princeton did not stand her up. Kate
confesses that she has abandoned her dream of starting a school for Monsters. Princeton apologizes for hurting
Kate’s feelings and tells her he still hasn’t found his purpose in life.
Nicky, now homeless and begging in the street, attempts to reconcile with Rod. Rod is too proud to accept his
apology, but later admits to Christmas Eve that he misses Nicky.
All of the characters express their longing to return to happier times (I Wish I Could Go Back to College).
Nicky, still begging in the street, asks Princeton for a quarter. Princeton turns him down, telling him he needs a
moment for himself. Nicky tells him that he should start thinking about other people for a change. Inspired by this
idea, Princeton decides to raise money for Kate’s Monster school ("The Mone y Song"). The help of the entire
neighborhood is enlisted in fund raising, including Trekkie Monster, who donates millions of dollars he has raised
(by investing in pornography) because the cause of a school for Monsters is close to his heart. Nicky decide s to
find a boyfriend for Rod.
The neighbors present the new school to Kate, who is delighted. Christmas Eve and Brian announce that they are
moving out of Avenue Q for a nicer neighborhood. Brian reveals that he has begun a new career as a consultant.
Rod announces that he is gay and invites Nicky to move back in with him. Nicky reveals that he has found a
boyfriend for Rod, and introduces Rod to Ricky (who looks exactly like Nicky, but is gay).
Christmas Eve reveals to Kate that it was Princeton who spearheaded the fund raising drive. Princeton and Kate
begin their reconciliation ("There’s A Fine, Fine Line – Reprise".
A Newcomer arrives, expressing interest in renting the apartment being vacated by Brian and Christmas Eve. He is
strikingly similar to Princeton ("B.A. In English – Reprise"). Upon seeing the Newcomer, Princeton exclaims that his
purpose in life might be to create a show to educate people like the Newcomer about what’s in store for them. The
others reject this notion immediately, and the Newcomer is insulted by the very idea and storms off. Princeton
laments that he may never find his purpose, but the neighbors reassure him that life has its ups and downs and is
always full of surprises ("For Now").
A FEW WORDS FROM THE AUTHORS OF AVENUE Q
Having watched countless performances of Avenue Q, we know that the magic of puppetry is most striking in the
subtle moments: a slight tilt of Kate's head when she realizes Princeton is breaking up with her; or Rod slowly looking
up at Nicky's knowing stare during the "If You Were Gay" vamp; or Trekkie melting soulfully during "School For
Monsters."
In those moments, subtlety speaks more than any puppet grand standing ever could.
Likewise, we feel that Avenue Q's humor largely depends on a less-is more approach. Of course the musical has its
outrageous moments, but as authors we encourage everyone who produces the show to keep the world rooted in reality.
While most of the characters are puppets, it's for this very reason that they need a strong and human foundation.
Kate Monster is, at her heart, really a cool person. She's not weak and she's definitely not a generic ingénue who gets
all swoony .and dizzy when it comes to matters of the heart. She's romantic and sensitive, certainly, but also practical,
tart and well able to defend herself. We've always preferred her as a strong character. She's not one to moon
pathetically. Intentionally going for "cute" never wears well on Kate - or any of the other characters.
Except, of course, for the Bad Idea Bears. The Bears always work better when they're cute cute cute and positive.
Diabetes-inducingly sweet. Occasionally in a production we've seen them develop a malevolent streak, and the laughs
stop coming. There's no funniness when an evil character gives a depressed person a noose. But there's a major comicdiscord-leading-to-laughter if someone sugary-sweet does the same thing. Keep them positive!
We always imagined Brian as the grounding force in the show. He, above everyone else, is like someone you'd meet
on the street. This doesn't mean he's without conflict or ambition. But because he's an aspiring comedian doesn't mean
he's Mr. Wacky Vaudeville, either. He's a great listener. He's realistic. If he's a spaz, then the show loses its moorings.
Calling a character "ordinary" is never helpful for any actor - but Brian does live in a relaxed, easy-come easy-go
world. This makes him a wonderful foil for his wife.
Speaking of his wife:
Christmas Eve is a character filled with traps, and we, the authors, beg of you: layoff of the Japanese stereotypes. She
is funny largely because she's strong and direct, and never because she's a ching-chong dragon lady mugging away.
There are only a few places that her accent is pointed up for a laugh, but that's it, and we've made them clear.
Otherwise we strongly suggest: keep her grounded and keep her honest even when she's being "direct" in that way she
has. She earned two Masters degrees, and that's no joke. She's super smart. If you go for the easy stereotypes the
audience won't find her funny after about eight minutes. And by the time you reach the Rod therapy scene in Act Two,
a scene that is deeply felt, the audience will wonder why he'd ever come to trust her. She has TONS of laughs without
relying on creaky stereotypes. Trust.
Rod is a closeted Republican, but that can speak for itself. We never intended for him to be a pathetic person. We've
encountered Rods who are played as mewling weakling pansies, and in such portrayals all of the humor vanishes from
him. He's funny because he's human, he's highly-functioning, he has a great job and does well in nearly every aspect of
his life. He's deeply romantic, of course, and tortured too, but this does not make him a freak. If anything, his
closetedness has made him rather emotionally restrained, which will make his wildly emotional moments resonate that
much more. They will be explosive and funny because they have a reality to ground them. Rod carries a huge amount
of the heart of the show. The actor playing him can have a ball even with the responsibility of keeping him true.
We could examine all of the characters, but we'd keep hitting the same point: the show is based on a solid and
grounded foundation. If that reality exists, then you can suddenly burst out into "The Internet is For Porn" or "My
Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada" or the penny drop - all of the outrageous, explosive moments - and they will sing
because they have somewhere real to come from. If the production is antic wackiness from beginning to end, there's no
sense of proportion and you'll lose the heart of it besides.
Give it humanity, give it heart, and we promise the audience will sail with you from the "Avenue Q Theme" to the final
"For Now." And that doesn't imply "ponderous or slow," either - the show can still move briskly and, for the most part,
we think it should.
Even after all these years, we love the audience's dawning and palpable realization that they're swept up in the
emotional lives of a bunch of creatures made of fur and foam. It's a testament to audiences and it makes us gooily
emotional at the wonder of theater. We hope that in your production your audiences will discover that moment,
because it's always astonishing.
And having said all that: have a f*&king blast!
Jeff Whitty, Robert Lopez, and Jeff Marx
SCENES
All actors must audition with one of the monologues below. If there isn’t a monologue for the part
you are trying out for, just pick one from below.
Kate Monster : Female (Standing in front of a group like in an AA meeting)
Hello… My Name is Kate Monster.. I like to have fun and party.. Oh..Oh.. and I am really into monster
stuff…yeh… My upstairs neighbor is also a Monster… his name is Trekkie. And sometimes we…
(interrupted… listens then replies)what… Yes… we’re both Monsters… (angry) no we are not related!
I'm surprised at you! I find that racist! No, not all Monsters are related. What are you trying to say - that
we all look the same to you? It’s a very touchy subject, one that I have dealing with for a long time.
When I was a little Monster, I always wished I had a special place I could go. A special school, only for
Monsters. The media only talks about the bad things Monsters do, but some of the most productive
members of our society are People of Fur. So my dream is to start a special school, only for Monsters,
where little Monsters can become part of the global community. So that, in short, is my purpose.
Christmas Eve :Female (heavy oriental Asian American accent)
Hey Rod, how it hanging? What’s wrong, you okay, Rod? You can tell me I a licensed therapist with two
Master degree! People come to me for helping for all kinds of problems. Well sort of…. I meet with
people, we talking for an hour, then they go away .and never come back. And I wonder: why? Am I
fixing them in one appointment? Maybe I too efficient. Maybe I should spread my helping out!
So, Rod, do you need some helping? (listens a moment) You have friend who think he gay! What wrong
with that? You know, Rod, gay people make major contribution to art and philosophy and literature for
many hundreds of years, now. (Listens) Your friend not artist… he republican and an investment banker.
(thinks a moment) Ew, well, tell him to stay in closet, then. He good for nothing.
Rod:Male
Oh Hi… do you have a minute… I wanted to talk in private.. well.. I have this friend and I think he has a
very big problem. I think - I think my friend is (whispers) gay. Oh I know there shouldn’t be anything
wrong with being… (whispers) gay. gay people have been making major contributions to art and
philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years, now. But my friend isn't an artist - he's… a
Republican. And an investment banker. I just don’t know what to do.. (screws up his courage) Screw it!
Listen, everybody, I have a few things I'd like to say.. I've confronted my fears and won, so. Number one:
I apologize for being so hotheaded and difficult. It was all because - and this is number two: - hold your
applause, everybody - I, Rod, am gay. SURPRISE! (No one responds.) Okay…. and three. Nicky, I'm
sorry. You're my best friend and I missed you so much. Will you move back in with me? Great!..Oh
sweet suffering Jesus My cup runneth over! (Friskily.) Let's go!
Nicky: Male
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at
me and talking to me.. He was being real friendly, and you know, I think he was coming on to me. I think
he might've thought I was gay! Rod, there's no need to get defensive about it, I didn't mean anything by
it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about. I mean, when people come up to me
and ask me if your gay, I say, “It's funny you ask. Because I do think Rod is gay. I always have. But I
figured if he wanted to tell me, he would. So yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is a
closeted homosexual. (see’s Rods Reaction) I mean "Yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod has
an… undescended testicle." (backpedaling )Rod, listen, from now on I'll believe anything you say about
yourself. And I apologize for having been such a messy roommate. Now that I have a place of my own behind that dumpster over there - I can appreciate how hard it is to keep things nice.
Lucy: Female
(heavy flirting) Well Hi there…The names Lucy…Man, am I beat. I still haven't figured out where I'm
gonna crash tonight. You wouldn’t know of anyplace close.. would you?.. All I need is a warm
mattress, even if it isn’t that warm, it will be when I’m through with it you know what I mean. (listens)
Oh, you're dating a Monster. I dated a Monster once. But I got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth.
Have fun with your Monster. I am not looking to get serious… sorry to be honest kid, but look at me. I
can have my pick of the litter. If I want a relationship, I'll find a guy with a good job, who has a future
and a ton of money, and not some well-hung, baby-faced kid who leeches from his parents and can't get
his act together. You know the only revelation people have in life, kiddo? They're not special. You're not
special. You're no luckier or more gifted than anyone else. But when you're ready to have a little fun with
a real woman, you know where to find me.
Princeton: Male
Hey, thanks for helping me move in! I know there were a lot of boxes but my parents sent all my stuff
from home. They even put little smiley faces on all the boxes. (Happy) Oh and look my first mail in my
new place. (looking at envelopes, gets depressed as he reads) rent bill, utility bill, student loan bill credit
card bill, internet bill, cell phone bill… well at least my job starts tomorrow… (phone rings) Hello, (to
audience) oh it’s my new job. (into phone) Hi I can't wait to meet all of you tomorrow - . Sorry, I can
barely hear you - Uh huh. Uh, did you say "downsizing?" But how can I be laid off when I haven't even no,please don't hang up! Please! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE? Now what I am going to do, how
am I suppose to find my purpose now. Wait a minute, I know. Just think about all those kids out there
just like me. all fresh-faced and new and not knowing anything! They have no idea what there in for!
They think the hard part's over, but it's not! And maybe they need some help! Maybe my purpose is to
take everything I'm learning and put it - put it into a SHOW!... or maybe I should just get high…
Gary Colman: Male (played by a woman)
Oh, kid, don't look so long in the face. Here's a bit of advice - never underestimate the power of longrange planning. If life gets you down, don't sit on your ass and let it pass you by. 'Cause you know what
they say - if you rearrange the letters in “unemployed", it spells “opportunity!" I know from living in the
dumps. But look at the bright side - think of all the joy you'll bring to others when they find out just how
miserable you are! Come on… it’s only human nature, people look at you and they think “boy at least I
am not him” and that makes them feel better. So you see your performing a public service, a no pay,
down in the dumps, barely surviving, glad I’m not you public service. But hey… at least it’s not me.
Brian: Male
Princeton! (see’s Princeton) Listen, buddy, nobody's seen you for two weeks. What's up with that?
Depressed? Well this will cheer you up.. It’s my latest joke. Okay…So there's an octopus in line at the
grocery store, and in his cart is a can of soup, a vibrator, and a redhead with gigantic tits and…… well I
haven’t figured out a punchline yet but when I do it will be a killer. What, not even a smile? Man, what
you need is a change of perspective. C'mon, let's go out and mess around the city. There is life outside
this apartment but you will only experience it if you get out. And what do you know… you might even
score.
Mrs Thistletwat: Female
Good afternoon, Katherine. You may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning I had
an appointment for heart replacement surgery first thing, and I need you to teach my class in the morning.
I told you I would probably need until the lunch break to recover. You never showed up! You left the
children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society, and were about to sacrifice
poor little Brittany! Where were you?! Oh I should have never hired a Monster! Your race is notoriously
lazy. (reacts to something being said to her) What…. Well I’ll have you know that Crabby old bitches are
the bedrock of this nation! Oh.. I regret the day I hired you!... What.. you can’t quit… because I’m going
to fire you!