1
TOO MANY MELONS
The Emperor Wu loves a new song – but his
top ten poets fail to come up with a single
original number between them.
It takes a poor orphan boy, sent to
market with a cartload of melons, to restore
the Emperor’s good humour…
2
Although his grand armies had conquered every corner of
the Seven Kingdoms of Cathay, the Emperor Wu was as gloomy
as the Yangtse River is deep.
For more moons than he could remember, his most richly
rewarded songwriters had failed to please the royal ears
with a song that showed even a spark of originality.
The Emperor, who loved songs even more than he loved
his brave warriors, his divine dogs and his prancing horses,
grumbled continuously from dawn to dusk.
“Your songs are as slushy as the snows in April.”
He grumbled to the wealthy poet Bling-Bling.
“Your songs mean absolutely nothing at all.”
He grumbled to the popular poet Yeah-Yeah.
“Your songs all sound the same as one another.”
He grumbled to the monotonous poet Wun-Toon.
“Your songs give me stomach ache.”
He grumbled to the renowned poet Jing-Jang.
“And your songs make my head ache.”
He grumbled to the noisy poet Jang-Jing.
“Your songs hurt my ears”.
He grumbled to the successful poet Wham-Bam.
“My dogs could write better songs than yours”.
He grumbled to the pompous poet Jam-Jam.
“Your songs would win first prize for brainlessness.”
He grumbled to the repetitive poet Ding-Dong.
“And your songs bore me to tears.”
He grumbled to the brainy poet Noh-Toon.
“I wouldn’t even sing your songs in the bath!”
He grumbled to the celebrated poet Dong-Ding.
Eventually the Emperor’s celestial patience snapped!
3
“If our royal ears are not satisfied before the next
new moon, we shall remove your offices to more bracing and
stimulating but less fertile and populous regions of our
far-flung domains.”
So spoke the great song-loving Emperor Wu to the
esteemed Bling-Bling and his equally exalted colleagues.
“Furthermore we have decided to marry our only
daughter, the glorious Princess Sha-la-La, to the first poet
who can gladden our hearts with a song that is not slushy,
stupid, schlocky, boring, noisy, silly, dreary, repetitive,
incomprehensible garbage.”
Truly the great Emperor Wu loved songs even more than
he loved his splendid palaces and his peaceful parks. Indeed
his passion was almost as great as that of the humble meloncarrier, Noo-Song.
Poor Noo-Song! What a miserable life he had led since
his father and mother died…
“Cook our dinner,
brother, Doh-Nut.
Noo-Song!”
Ordered
his
greedy
“Fetch the water, Noo-Song!” Shouted his lazy brother,
Doo-Nout.
“Get my horses, Noo Song!” Bawled his mean brother,
Nah-Stee.
And so on and so on…night and day the poor orphan boy
was nagged and bullied by his uncaring family. Poor NooSong!
“Noo-Song doesn’t need sandals. His feet are as hard as
nails.” Shrieked the wife of Doh-Nut.
“Noo-Song doesn’t need a jacket. He never feels the
cold.” Screamed the wife of Nah-Stee.
“Noo-Song doesn’t need a hat. He never feels the heat.”
Screeched the wife of Doo-Nout.
“Noo-Song should be grateful for what we give him.”
Agreed his three disagreeable brothers and their three
deplorable wives.
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Poor Noo-Song! All they gave him was too much work for
one orphan boy.
“Have you cleaned the pigs out, Noo-Song?”
“Have you picked the mulberry leaves, Noo-Song?”
“When are you taking those melons to market, Noo-Song?”
Poor Noo-Song! There were so many huge juicy melons he
could hardly pull the cart.
The sun beat down but he had no hat. The road was hard
but he had no shoes. His stomach was empty but he had no
rice.
Just as he reached the edge of the market, the cart
toppled over and the huge juicy melons rolled everywhere.
How loudly people laughed! How quickly they grabbed as
many melons as they could carry away! Only two penniless old
women helped the lonely orphan boy.
Poor Noo-Song! All he could do was sit by the side of
the road and sing of his sad and lonely life.
What songs Noo-Song sang!
He sang of how happy he had been before his mother and
father died. He sang of his bullying brothers and their
nagging wives.
He sang of the dusty cellar he slept in and the scraps
of food he was given to eat. He sang of the cold he endured
in winter and the frost that chapped his hands.
He sang of the thorns that scratched his legs and the
wind that stung his eyes. He sang of the green shoots in
spring and the dusty fields in summer.
He sang of the pigs he tended and the mulberry leaves
he picked. He sang of the huge juicy melons that he hauled
to market.
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He sang of the cart that toppled over. He sang of the
many people who stole the melons and the few who helped pick
them up. What songs Noo-Song sang!
Ordinary folk gathered from all over the town. Rich
merchants came from their businesses. Mandarins appeared
from their offices.
Even the Emperor and his daughter were carried from the
royal palace to hear the new song sung by Noo-Song.
The great song-loving Emperor Wu cried and laughed and
smiled as he had not cried or laughed or smiled for more
moons than he could remember.
The glorious Princess Sha-la-la felt happier than she
had ever felt in her life.
Finally the ten most exalted songwriters in China left
their fragrant gardens to see what all the fuss was about.
“The boy must learn to be slushier.” Remarked BlingBling.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Agreed Yeah-Yeah.
“One tune has always been plenty for me.” Boasted WunToon.
“That’s one tune too many for me.” Observed Noh-Toon.
“An educated person would express his sentiments less
transparently.” Muttered Dong-Ding.
“People want schlock.” Stuttered Ding-Dong.
“People love noise.” Yelled Wham-Bam.
“Who cares what people want?” Queried Jing-Jang.
“Less
Jang-Jing.
would
certainly
be
more
acceptable.”
Sneered
“I suppose I myself could impart a few constructive
suggestions.” Condescended Jam-Jam.
But nobody was listening.
6
The simple hearts of the Emperor Wu and his people were
gladdened by the ear-pleasing music and truth-telling words
of the immortal album of songs: No Melons Today.
The poor orphan boy, Noo Song, married harmoniously to
the glorious Princess Sha-la-la, grew fat and famous as the
Number One Songwriter for Grand Imperial Occasions.
However, the esteemed Bling-Bling and his colleagues
grew thinner and thinner as they travelled from one remote
village to another across the far-flung Han Empire to gather
interesting songs that would please the royal ears.
For truly the Emperor Wu loved good songs even more
than he loved his victorious warriors, his divine dogs and
his prancing horses.