Positive Approaches to
Resolving Conflict
Katie Shepherd
Vermont Family Network Annual Conference
April 6, 2016
Four Key Steps to Resolving
Conflict
Be proactive: Know about and use
collaborative practices that promote
positive relationships
 Embrace healthy conflict and the
reasons it occurs
 Know Yourself: Understand conflict
styles and how to use them effectively
 Understand and use effective
strategies

Be Proactive: Promote
Collaboration
Teams must value diverse membership
and ideas
 Each member has expertise
 Teams must have a common purpose
 Team members need to trust one
another
 Trust allows members to share in
decision-making and responsibility

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Embrace Healthy Conflict
Conflict is normal
 Conflict has different origins
 Conflict promotes creativity
 Success in conflict resolution builds
trust
 Conflict and conflict resolution in teams
follows a developmental process

Causes of Conflict (Friend & Cook)

Conflict= Interference with attainment of
one’s goals or needs. Types of conflict:
 Between
individuals with different goals;
individuals with the same goals;
 Within individuals;
 Organizational factors, including resources;
 Conflict involving differences in power and
authority
 Between
Stages of Group Development

Forming/ Dependency and Inclusion

Storming/Counterdependency and Fight

Norming/Trust and Structure

Performing/Work
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Wheelan: Conflict and Stages of
Group Development

“Cohesion can be positively affected by
conflict.”

When people engage in blaming others
they often remain in conflict.

Productive teams have frequent, but
brief periods of conflict.
Know Yourself: 5 Common
Styles
Avoiding

What is it?
•
•
•
Ignoring or not addressing the
existence of a conflict.
Leaving situations involving conflict.
“Checking out” of conversations.
3
Avoiding

Best used when you are:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Diplomatically side-stepping an issue.
Postponing until a better time.
Withdrawing from a “hot” situation.
Not dealing with a high priority issue.
Concerned that a confrontation may be
damaging to you or your relationship.
Not in a position to advocate for yourself.
Avoiding

Costs
• Important decisions may happen without
you
• Others don’t benefit from your input
• Coordination with others may suffer
• Underlying interests/issues may not get
resolved
• Long-term avoidance is usually damaging
Competing/Controlling

What is it?
•
•
•
•
•
Standing up for your rights or beliefs
“I win-you lose!”
Being assertive.
Pursuing your own concerns, sometimes at
expense of others.
Using whatever power seems appropriate
to win your position.
4
Competing/Controlling

Best Used When:
•
•
•
•
Someone needs to be in charge
Quick decisions are needed (e.g.,
emergencies)
The issue is vital to your welfare
Your core values are involved
•
For families: Strong advocacy
Competing/Controlling

Costs
•
Creates a power imbalance
May escalate anger and the conflict
May cause others to have a negative view
of you, especially if used over time
May cause others to disengage with you
•
“Choose your battles”!
•
•
•
Accommodating

What is it?
• Being cooperative, conceding to the
wishes of others.
• Satisfying someone else’s interests
above your own.
• Achieving “Peace at any cost”.
• Selfless charity or generosity
(sometimes).
5
Accommodating
Best Used When:
• You want to show that you are reasonable.
• You realize you are wrong.
• Continuing the conflict would damage your
cause.
• Conceding on one issue may pave the way
for you to prevail at a later time.
• It’s important to preserve harmony or avoid
disruption.
Accommodating

Costs
• Deprives self and others when you
deny your own interests
• May deprive you of the influence,
respect, and recognition you deserve
• Underlying cause of conflict remains
unaddressed, resentment remains
Compromising (a.k.a. Negotiating)

What is it?
•
•
•
Giving up something to get something
in return.
“Sharing the pie” or “Splitting the
difference.”
Middle ground between competing
and accommodating
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Compromising

Best Used When:
•
•
•
The situation is moderately important to
you.
You may be able to reach a “fair” or
temporary settlement.
A quick middle-ground solution makes
sense and brings at least partial
satisfaction to all.
Compromising

Costs
• The benefits of compromise may
cover up the “real issues” and lead to
a future power struggle
•
Personal costs may result if you “give
in” on personal values and beliefs.
Collaboration

What is it?

•
•
•
An approach in which people go beyond
their own interests and solutions to create
something new.
Asserting your own self interests, while
respecting/cooperating with the interests of
others.
Meeting interests of all parties to maximum
extent possible.
A win for everyone.
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Collaboration

Best Used When:
• You want to find a solution that meets
all needs and doesn’t compromise
anyone’s critical beliefs, values, or
outcomes.
• A team approach is being used to
promote equity, commitment, power
sharing, etc.
• You have time to work towards a true
collaborative solution
Collaboration

Costs
•
Requires investment of the precious
resources of time, energy and hard work.
•
Requires commitment to incorporate the
concerns and needs of others.
Know Yourself: 5 Common
Styles
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Concluding Thoughts





No one approach is more universally “right”
than another.
Each of us employs all of the styles to some
degree.
Each of us has our own style with which we
are most comfortable or skillful.
We do best when we adjust our responses to
the circumstances of the conflict.
We tend to mirror and be influenced by the
conflict style of others.
Principles for Negotiating
Conflict (Friend & Cook)






Focus on issues, not people.
Focus on issues that have the greatest potential to be
addressed.
Reduce emotional components of conflict by
responding in positive and/or neutral ways
Understand others’ conflict styles; adapt yours as
necessary.
“Let go” of the aspects of the conflict that are least
important to you
If necessary, exit the situation and re-convene at a
later time
Conflict Resolution as a Form of
Problem-Solving
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Conflict Resolution as a Search
for Common Understanding
Instead of focusing on positions, focus
on interests
Listen carefully as different interests
are expressed
Identify common ground from which
solutions can be built
More Formal/Less Controllable
Ways to Resolve Conflict
Mediation
Third
party resolution
Due Process
Source
Christopher Avery(2001). Teamwork is
an Individual Skill.
 Marilyn Friend and Lynne Cook (2013).
Interactions
 Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H.
Kilmann (1974), Thomas-Kilmann
Conflict Mode Instrument. Tuxedo, NY:
Xicom Inc.

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