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Successful Couples
 Sustained romance through:
7 Steps to a Healthy Relationship
 Friendship
 Managing conflicts well
 Created a sense of shared meaning
Based upon the Work of John Gottman,
Gottman PhD
 Destroyed the Four Horsemen
 Balanced negative to positive interactions
 Work hard to honor each others dreams/goals
Diane Reller, MS, LMFT, LADC
Staff Psychotherapist, Recovery Plus
The Seattle Love Lab
Predicting Divorce
 Couples moved into a studio apartment for a
 After years of research, Dr. Gottman was able to
“typical” weekend
 They were attached to Heart Monitors
 Dr. Gottman searched for the following answers
about marriage:
develop a method of predicting divorce with 91%
accuracy!
 This proved true over the course of three different
studies conducted with thousands of couples
 Chances of 1st marriage ending within 40 years is
67% - half of those occur within the first 7 years.
 Divorce rate for 2nd marriages around 75%
 Why is marriage so tough at times?
 Why do some lifelong relationships click, while
others just tick away like a time bomb?
 How can you prevent a marriage from going bad –
or rescue one that already has?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR MARRIAGES?
Why Save Your Marriage?
Step 1 – Love Maps
 People who stay married live four years longer
 Represent our Knowledge of Our Partners



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than those who do not
Unhappily married individuals increase their
chances of getting “sick” by 35%
O
Ongoing
i physical
h i l and
d emotional
ti
l stress
t
llowers our
immunity
Marital satisfaction is highly correlated with
mental and physical health
A healthy relationship is like food for your soul
Internal world.
 Who are our partner’s best friends, colleagues,
enemies,, allies?
 What are our partner’s favorite books, movies,
restaurants, travel destinations
 What are our partners hopes, dreams, nightmares,
aspirations?
 What are our partners most embarrassing and/or
funniest moments from childhood?
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Level 2: Fondness & Admiration
Who Are The Four Horsemen
 The relationship is the port in the storm and not
 Criticism
the storm itself!
 When partners don’t voice their care and respect for
each other they start to feel lonely, uncared for, and
invisible…
 You may have heard/said this before:
 You will always have complaints about the person
you are living with, but criticism adds a whole new
dimension.


“You know that I love you. I shouldn’t always have to tell you.”
 In Ride the Four Horsemen…

Complaints: Addresses a specific action
Criticism: More global – it implies something is wrong
with the person
Example:
o Complaint: “I’m really upset that you didn’t finish the
laundry like you said you would”
o Criticism: “Why are you so forgetful?”
Four Horsemen…
Four Horsemen
 Contempt
 Defensiveness
 Sneering. Hatred. Hostility.
 This is a way to blame your partner
 Sarcasm
 Cynicism
 The problem isn’t ME it’s YOU!
 Poison to the relationship because it conveys disgust
 Escalates conflict
 Couples who are contemptuous of one another are
more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds,
flu, and so on) than other people
Four Horsemen
 Criticism, contempt and defensiveness operate like
a NEVERENDING game of hot potato
Step 2: Fondness & Admiration
 Stonewalling
 Tuning out
 Two ships passing in the night
 The cycle goes back to criticism….and the race is on
 This happens later in a relationship – not frequently
seen in Newlyweds
 Criticism and contempt are the two approaches
that beat down self-respect and will kill feelings of
love.
 Couples can learn to watch for partner’s positives
(words and behaviors) that should be appreciated,
but are often times overlooked –
o Examples: Working extra hours, folding our laundry………..
o Remember…No one has to do ANYTHING for you. Not even your
wife or husband…
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Remember…you are
never too old for a
hug…
Holding Hands…
Step 3: Turning Toward Each Other
 Partners want to made a connection with each
other through attention, affection, conversation,
humor, emotional support…
 Healing the relationship means that each
It is a proven fact that
those who experience
loving touch and kind
words live longer and
happier lives….
Turning Toward, cont.
recognize and respond positively to each others
needs for the above
Step 4: Positive Perspective
 This is the result of Steps 1-3 and
 Partners know how the other likes to receive
attention (example: 5 Love Languages)
describes the overall MOOD
of the relationship.
 Always give your partner the
 Exercise: Each will do “one thing” for the other
during the week, and then will try to guess what
the ‘one thing’ was at the end of the week.
benefit of the doubt.
 Strengthen this by working on Steps 1-3, increase
awareness and get rid of those HORSEMEN!
Step 5: Manage Solvable Problems
Step 5: Manage Solvable Problems
 About 1/3 of problems are solvable
 Harsh Start Up: “You” statements – Bring in the
 Other 2/3 are “perpetual problems” that relate to
lifestyle and personality differences
“…Don’t go changing to try to please me…”
 How do you bring up problems? This will
determine its course.
 Are you looking to let off some steam?
 What do you want from your partner? An Ear or a
solution?
Horsemen
 Make Repairs – AA program (Step 10),
“Continued to make amends and when wrong we
promptly admitted it.
it ”
 20 Minute Time Outs – It is the amount of time
needed for your body to return to a “calm state”
 Accepting Influence – This is how we cultivate
trust in the relationship, and develop intimacy
(we mirror each other).
Soft Start Up: Use “I” language: “When you _____,
I felt ______.”
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Step 5: The Aftermath
Step 6: Honoring Dreams
 Answer these questions:
 2/3 of problems – Gridlock – have to do with a
 What feelings/behaviors contributed to the fight?
 What environmental situations contributed to it?
 What is each partner’s perspective on what
happened?
 Each partner practices listening – no defending –
the argument already took place – no need to do it
again.
partners deepest dreams and values
 “Dream-within-conflict-intervention”
 Partners take turns interviewing
g each other about
the issue:
 Questions:
 What does this mean to you?
 Is there some underlying hope you have or a sense
of purpose you have
 Was there some disaster in your past (hidden
history, beliefs, values, dreams)
Step 7: Creating Shared Meaning
Resources
 Explore the roles, values, and symbols that give
 Diane Reller
your lives meaning. How do you reflect this in
your home?
 What does it mean to be a wife, husband, life
partner, lover, son, daughter, worker, etc.
 Explore religious and spiritual values, beliefs
about work and play, parenting styles, being
together vs. being apart.
 Clients learn more about each other at a deeper
level and return to the beginning of the process –
love maps
 [email protected]
Suggested Reading:
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