My Kid's Insane Christmas Wish List, Annotated
When I was a kid, I would dream up completely insane
presents to put on my Christmas wish list—shit that no parent
could ever possibly afford and no child could ever possibly
deserve. And every year, my parents would tell me before
Christmas that I would NOT be getting the little race car I saw
on the Obstacle Course round of Double Dare. They would sit
me down and explain that Santa wasn't a Formula One
mechanic and that I shouldn't be a[n] … idiot.
The problem is that, on occasion, my parents DID get me
something I wanted. But in order to keep it a surprise, they
would play hard-to-get and tell me that I had no chance of
getting Voltron, or whatever other stupid thing it was that I
wanted. I heard enough fake NOs from my mom over the
years that I began to recognize the pattern and immediately
assumed that NO meant YES. "Oh, mom says I have no
chance of getting that hoverboard? IT'S MINE." And then
Christmas would come and I'd get a bag of fudge and hate the
world.
Now I'm the parent and it's my turn to engage in the futile task
of managing my child's expectations. This is the actual wish list
that my daughter, who is 7, handed me a few weeks ago. It's
completely unreasonable and I have no way of explaining this
to her without being a[jerk], or without her thinking I'm pulling
some reverse-psychology shit on her. Let's take a look at this
thing, item by item.
"New American Girl Doll of the Year 2014." The heartless
corporate executives at American Girl roll out a new "doll of the
year" doll every year, complete with its own book and shitty
DVD movie (the last one starred Nia Vardalos and Ian Ziering)
and a meticulously crafted backstory that reads like an account
planner's favorite dream ("She's a spirited girl who draws on
her passions to inspire action!"). And the kicker is that these
dolls are always sold for a limited time (the 2013 doll of the
year, Saige, is also on my kid's wish list and costs $110 if you
can find her), so that mothers around the world step on each
other's gullets just to secure one for their brainwashed
offspring. Anyway, American Girl has not named its stupid doll
of the year for NEXT year yet, but my kid wants it anyway. I
assume the doll's name will be Kayden. Here is my kid asking
for a present from the future, and that represents one of the
more reasonable items. I love you, but you cannot have this,
sweetheart.
"A bead kit like [my friend's]." You got it. Done. In the
basement as we speak, kiddo. But now we go a little off the
rails ...
"A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime." The
[hell] is this? What am I, Galactus? Do you understand the
catastrophic universal implications of possessing a shapeshifting, time-traveling device? Even Rob Gronkowski knows
that isn't to be toyed with. You could turn it into a separate
moon any time you like and then the Earth would be …
DESTROYED by the additional gravitation. You cannot be
trusted with this at age 7. If such a thing existed and were
affordable, I wouldn't have children. I would have a SPACE
BROTHEL. There's a reason that we have the laws of physics
in place. And you expect this thing to be portable as well? You
cannot have this.
"1,000 bucks." This is Christmas, not an Italian wedding.
Uncle Vito isn't gonna slip you an envelope in between stints at
the raw bar. We put thought into our gifts here. You want
cash? Clear the spiders out of the attic. I'll give you three
bucks for it. A thousand dollars. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, but you
cannot have this.
"A new canape that glows up." So, like, a glowing miniature
crabcake with a toothpick in it? I could maybe do that. MAYBE.
Sounds like something Saige the doll might eat.
"A grill." She actually put this on the list because my wife
thinks I should buy a new grill even though the old one is fine
and I haven't cleaned it in two years. The cancerous black
flecks let me know the meat is good. Anyway, she was thinking
of me when she put this down, and that's heartwarming. I will
buy you a second bead kit for being so selfless.
"A black, light blue, green, purple, and pink North Faces."
FIVE North Face jackets, a hundred bucks each? Dream
smaller. When did North Face jackets become hot again? Did
you also want an autographed copy of Phish's Hoist? That is
apparel meant for serious outdoorsmen who dangle from
belayed ropes on the south face of the K2. The outdoorsiest
we get is when we roll down the window at the [freaking]
Wendy's drive through. You cannot have this.
"A new radio." Done. I'll throw in my old Betamax collection
as a stocking stuffer.
"Monster High ear buds." This is Monster High, and it's
completely [ridiculous]. It's like someone at Mattel held up a
market research study and screamed, "Our Barbie dolls aren't
causing as much body dysmorphia in children as they used to!
MAKE ME A LINE OF BULIMIC VAMPIRE DOLLS OR
YOU'RE ALL FREAKING FIRED." How are these toys even
legal? It's like handing your child a Steve Madden ad. Anyway,
these are cheap, so maybe I'll get them if you are good. FUN
FACT: A child could go on a five-state killing spree and no
parent would be heartless enough to actually bail on Christmas
presents. The nice list has worse grade inflation than Harvard.
"All of the Beanie Babies." I have a theory that no one
actually buys Beanie Babies—people simply acquire them
from older parents who dump a truckload of the fuckers onto
new parents, who don't understand that they've just been
bequeathed a pile of garbage. Anyway, you cannot have ALL
of these. Maybe a couple of Beanie Boos from the LAX airport.
They're the only gift there under $17.
"A lightup Razor Scooter that is the color blue." "Dad, for
Christmas, can I get hit by a car?"
"Justice black [peace sign] jacket." Oh man, Justice. It's like
a bad Katy Perry song in mall-store form.
Where she lives: Albuquerque, New Mexico, the hot air
balloon capital of the world
"A pet puppy. Border collie with a peacesign coller, and a
leash." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Hell no. Do you see any
borders in this house that need patrolling, apart from the
bathroom door when Daddy is having his alone time? No. Do
you see any sheep that need herding? No. Are you gonna
[care] about walking it or feeding it after, oh, three days? No.
All of the work will be left to me. This site says, "Border collies
can become aggressive due to fear. ... Do not approach or
handle your dog suddenly from behind." Great. Freaking great.
That is the exact wrong breed for a human child. Children will
sneak up behind dogs and bash a tambourine into their heads
because that's funny. You cannot have this dog. I'll get you the
leash, though. You can walk Saige with it.
Best friends: Tessa, a musician; and the new girl, Gabi, who
knows how to train animals
"A black rist bange."I don't know what this is, but I bet they
sell it at Justice. Done.
And Harmony, who died.
Intermission for apparent drawing of chicken's head.
Awww, that's cute!
"A little thing with that can turn into anything at any time."
As you can see, my kid bumped this item up the list. Owning
an imaginary object that can grant her God-like powers is now
THIRD on her list, right behind the bead kit. Priorities.
"Saige, the American Girl doll." Fun facts about Saige from
the AG website!
Fun fact: She can draw horses that really look like horses
No, she can't. She's a doll. She is lifeless. YOU SELL
HARMFUL LIES.
Anyway, my ma got her this already. Sucker.
"iPod Touch." Oh God, the [FREAKING] iPod touch. If one
kid at your kid's school gets an iPhone or an iPod Touch (and I
assure you many parents will poison the well by doing just
this), it's over. Your kid is a SLAVE to Steve Jobs's corpse
forever. My kid makes drawings of iPhone covers. She does
writing exercises about iPhones. When I asked her what she
wanted between a flying car and an iPhone, she picked the
damn iPhone. And here we are, acting as if Steve Jobs
bestowed some wonderful gift upon humanity. LITTLE
TODDLERS KNOW HOW TO USE AN IPAD INTUITIVELY!
&$*! you, Apple.
My kid asked Santa for this iPod, and I had to carefully explain
to her that Santa does not produce electronics, he can only
license them with permission from both the parent and the
manufacturer. My kid still believes in Santa, even though I
have told her that there's no such thing as magic (she wanted
to know after reading Harry Potter), and so now she doesn't
believe in any sort of magical powers except for Santa's ability
to traverse the entirety of Earth in a single evening. The center
cannot hold.
Anyway, I'm sorry my dear, but you cannot have this. Maybe
when you're 27.
"Saige Paints the Sky: The movie." Done. You get the doll,
the DVD, the radio, the bead kit, a couple of Beanie Babies,
and the werewolf anorexia headphones. NOT A BAD HAUL.
And you deserve it, kid, because I love you and would do
anything for you except hand you a thousand bucks cash, the
power to control all existing matter, and an iPhone to boot. But
take heart: There's a glowing crabcake waiting for you in your
stocking. Merry Christmas!