The Barnstormers
Words by Marian Lines
Music by Betty Roe
A play with music lasting 35–40 minutes and suitable for performance by 7–12 year olds.
Time
A cold, damp evening during Queen Victoria’s reign.
Place
A farm outside ‘Little Tipping in Ashfield’, an imaginary town in the Midlands.
Setting
A large barn with a rough stage, belonging to Farmer Cobb. Used as a theatre for any travelling
entertainments from circus performances to evangelical revival meetings.
Costumes
Female costumes are quite easy to adapt from long dresses. Shawls, capes and bonnets should
be added to give the period detail. Male Victorian jackets and waistcoats are necessary only
for Mr Barnstormer, Grandpa, Tubble, Figgitt and Trouncer. These can be worn with regular dark trousers,
white shirts with the collar turned up, and a headscarf as a cravat. Stagehands, pianist and stage-manager
can wear collarless, long-sleeved shirts, waistcoats and braces.
Important
A licence should be obtained from the publisher, and the appropriate fee paid, before any public
performance of this work, including school performances, takes place.
First edition: Words © Copyright 1976 Marian Lines and Music © Copyright 1976 Thames Publishing.
Second edition: Words © Copyright 1994 Marian Lines and Music © Copyright 1994 Thames Publishing.
All rights in the words and music assigned 2009 to Novello & Company Limited.
Third edition: Words and Music © Copyright 2009 Novello & Company Limited.
All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.
CAST
(All the parts in the play can be played equally well by boys or girls)
Barclay Barnstormer
Percy Figgitt
Bill
Mrs Whinge
Letitia Barnstormer
Farmer Cobb
Ben
Frisby
Ermintrude Barnstormer
Mrs Cobb
Biddy
Theo Trouncer
Evangeline Barnstormer
The Great Vesuvio Nicolo
Alice
Ethelbert Barnstormer
P.C. Duff
Nicolette
Harriet
Grandpa Leopold
Dancers (3)
Orlando Tubble
Stage Children (6)
Grandma Leopold
Angelica Whinge
Organ Grinder
Farm and Village Children
Bert
Barclay Barnstormer Proprietor, director and producer of the touring theatrical company.
Temperamental and energetic.
Letitia Barnstormer Wife of Barclay, mother of Ermintrude, Evangeline and Ethelbert. Leading lady.
Takes herself very seriously. Proud of her ‘thrilling tones’.
Ermintrude & Evangeline Barnstormer (singing parts) Daughters of Barclay and Letitia. Inclined to
be catty and high-handed towards the other children in the company.
The Great Vesuvio (singing part) A very small, thin man, but with great dignity and pride in his art.
Angelica Whinge (singing part) A spoiled, whining little girl.
Mrs Whinge Angelica’s pushy mother. Also acts with the company.
Theo Trouncer Grand old man of the theatre. Lazy and arrogant.
Alice & Harriet Two little actresses—deeply devoted to their ‘art’.
Nicolo & Nicolette Brother and sister. Trapeze and wire-walking duo. They both have volcanic
temperaments.
Frisby Stage manager. Cheerful, loud, efficient.
Biddy Wardrobe mistress. Fussy, but devoted to the family and company.
Bill & Ben Stagehands.
P.C. Duff Pompous local ‘Peeler’. Has known the company for years.
Orlando Tubble A chemist from Little Tipping. Inventor of ‘Biffo Body-Building Tonics’. Earnest and
childlike.
Percy Figgitt Chief reporter from the Little Tipping ‘Clarion’. Sharp, down-to-earth.
Mr & Mrs Cobb A Midland farmer and his wife. Friendly and generous.
Bert The off-stage piano player. A ‘put-upon’ person whose head appears from time to time.
THE BARNSTORMERS
Music Cue No.1:
Overture
CD Track 1
Lights on. Lights slowly down to blackout as overture ends. Whole company enters slowly
from various parts of the auditorium carrying baskets, bundles, boxes, brooms, mops, dolls,
babies, costumes, etc., muttering ‘Tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp’ until the whole company is
in position on the apron stage.)
Music Cue No.2:
The Barnstormers
Singers: Company (sings very dejectedly)
Tramping the road in the wind and the weather,
Tramping through snowdrift and puddle together.
Sky for a roof, and the cart follows after,
And shoe leather’s wearing, shoe leather’s wearing,
Shoe leather’s wearing thin.
Shoe leather’s wearing as thin as a parchment.
Shoe leather’s wearing thin, shoe leather’s wearing thin,
Shoe leather’s wearing thin. BUT... (with sudden astonishing zest)
Walking is grand, it’s so good for the figure!
The finest tonic on earth!
We’ll walk ’til we drop, ’til we get to the top,
With our pace getting quicker and quicker!
We’ll storm up the hills and we’ll storm down the valleys,
We’ll storm through a barn or we’ll storm through a palace!
We’re Barnstormers, Barnstormers, every last one!
Yes, we’re Barnstormers, Barnstormers all!
Fit-up and set-up and brushes and mops,
Tightrope and safety net, costume and props.
Barn for a stage, and the work never stops,
But money’s just melting, money’s just melting,
Money’s just melting away.
Money just melts like the snow in the summer.
Money just melts away, money just melts away,
Money just melts away. BUT...
Working is grand, it’s so good for the figure!
The finest tonic on earth!
We’ll work ’til we drop, ’til we get to the top,
With our pace getting quicker and quicker!
We’ll storm up the hills and we’ll storm down the valleys,
We’ll storm through a barn or we’ll storm through a palace!
We’re Barnstormers, Barnstormers, every last one!
Yes, we’re Barnstormers, Barnstormers all!
4
CD Track 2 (11)
(As the company bow and wave the farmer and his wife come up the centre gangway and
stand just below apron, clapping.)
Farmer Cobb
Grand! Grand! Mr Barnstormer. Glad to see you and all your folk back again this year,
and in such good fettle!
Mrs Cobb
The hens love a bit of music. Makes them lay wonderful well!
Mrs Barn
(In a big aside) Mercy me! That my ART should come to this! Helping the hens to
lay better!
(During the next few speeches the company QUIETLY arrange themselves and their props
about the stage, taking care not to distract from the speaking parts or encroach on the
central acting area.)
Farmer Cobb
I hope you don’t mind the animals in the stalls, so to speak—but it’s not convenient to
move them out ’til tomorrow, and we thought it’d be a bit of company for the company
(nobody laughs) while you’re rehearsing, and it’ll help to keep the barn warm.
Mr Barn
Yes, yes. Very thoughtful, I’m sure…
Mrs Cobb
(Comfortably) I’ve set out fresh bread, butter, cheese, apples and a barrel of Mr Cobb’s
best cider on the table at the back of the stage. You must be ready to eat chair-legs!
Mr Barn
Indeed, indeed. ( Turning to Farmer) Most kind and generous of you…but the animals
WILL be moved out before the audience arrives tomorrow?
Farmer Cobb
Bless you, yes. (Barn moves closer to Cobb. They talk.)
Evangeline
(Snootily) Not that the audience in Little Tipping will be very much different from cows
and pigs and sheep. In fact, I think that the animals may well be of superior intellect.
Ermintrude
I’m sure I can’t tell the difference between the cackling hens and chattering of the village
girls. They’re so countrified, poor things! (Both girls giggle, heads together)
Mrs Barn
Hush, children! Someone may overhear you…and though I agree with my darlings’
sentiments…
Ethelbert
(Cutting in on his mother) …you wouldn’t like the good people of Little Tipping to give
us the old heave-ho!
(Biddy, the stage manager, bustles up, takes Evangeline’s arm and propels her up to her father.)
Biddy
Mr Barnstormer, Sir—Miss Evangeline must have a new costume, this one is right off
the ground! She’s showing INCHES of ankle. I don’t know what people will think, I
really don’t.
Mr Barn
New costumes? Do you think I’m made of money? No, don’t bother to tell me
what people will say—I don’t care what they say once they’ve paid for their ticket.
(Goes apron stage right) Bert, what’s the old piano like?
Bert
Terrible!
Mr Barn
Can you get through the show on it?
Bert
If it doesn’t fall to pieces.
Biddy
I don’t know why you pay me to be a wardrobe mistress!
Mr Barn
I sometimes wonder that myself! (Shooing her away) Not another word about costumes,
Biddy. Go away and sew something!
5
(Biddy huffs off to a seat at the back of the stage by costume rail and sits sewing.)
Bill
(Coming up with a small cut-out of a house) What do you want us to do with this hovel, Mr B?
Mr Barn
Mister Barnstormer to you.
Bill
Righty-ho, Mr B. But what do you want us to do with the hovel?
(Mr Barn groans loudly.)
Grandpa
(Walking down stage right to upper stage left) Well, I LIKE muffins, I WANT muffins and I
won’t eat anything BUT muffins!
Grandma
You’re a fussy, pig-headed old man, Grandpa. You’re going to have a bath-bun, and like it!
(Exit)
Angelica
(Rushing on-stage followed by her mother) I hate it… it’s a beastly, beastly song!
Everyone makes funny remarks after they’ve heard it!
Angelica’s Mother
(Pleading) But it’s a solo, Angelica! You can’t give up a solo!
Angelica
Just watch me…
Angelica’s Mother
(Restraining Angelica) Wicked, thoughtless girl… Oh, my nerves won’t stand this…
Mr Barn
(Agonised) I thought I was running a Tasteful and High-Class Entertainment for
Gentlefolk… Not a THREE-RING CIRCUS!
(With an effort) I am endeavouring to start a dress-rehearsal of all the new items. Will the
artistes kindly take their places for the first number. (Bawls) Stage Manager… Frisby!
(S.M. is standing directly behind him) What are we waiting for?
Frisby
The Organ Grinder’s disappeared.
(During the previous five speeches stage clears. Artists go to sides. Stage children, Evangeline
and Ermintrude enter and take balloons on sticks from Biddy, who checks their costumes.)
Mr Barn
Well, find him!
(Evangeline pricks first child’s balloon)
Child 1
You did that on purpose!
Evangeline
Didn’t. (Sticks her tongue out)
Ermintrude
It was an accident.
(Both girls giggle, heads together)
Child 1
You stuck a pin in it!
Child 2
I saw her do it!
Child 3
So did I!
Child 4
She’s a cat!
Child 5
So’s her sister. Always giggling in corners!
Child 6
I call them ‘The Spotty, Spiteful Sisters’!
Ev. & Erm.
( Together) Ooooh…
Mr Barn
Girls… return to your place this instant! Oh, where’s that Organ Grinder…?
6
Frisby
Got him... (Hurries Organ Grinder on stage, pulling straw out of his hair and clothes)
...Asleep in the loft.
Organ Grinder
Don’t know what all the fuss is about… (Yawns) …it’s not as if I’d got a speaking part…
Man’s got to get a bit of shuteye. (Goes downstage to his hand-organ)
Mr Barn
If you’re all quite ready? (Assuming his Master of Ceremonies voice) Ladies and
Gentlemen…I cannot tell you how full of gratitude are our hearts at being asked to
return once more to Little Tipping.
Little Tipping in Ashfield…so aptly described by your local bard, Josiah Plug, as…‘the
gateway to the Midlands’. But let us wait no longer…Here are our Baby Barnstormers…our
Terpsichorean Tots…in…The Organ-Grinder Song!…Take it away Bert!
Music Cue No.3:
Please, Mr Organ-Man
CD Track 3 (12)
Singers: Ermintrude, Evangeline and eight stage children sing and dance a simple routine.
Please, Mister Organ-Man, play us a tune,
As light and as bright as a yellow balloon.
Ting-a-ling tong, ting-a-ling tong, grind us a ting-a-ling song;
Please, Mister Organ-Man, play us a tune.
Please, Mister Organ-Man, sing us a song,
Then teach us the words as we’re humming along.
Jing-a-ling june, jing-a-ling june, grind us a jing-a-ling tune;
Please, Mister Organ-Man, sing us a song.
Please, Mister Organ-Man, lead us a dance,
And show us the steps as we leap and we prance.
Tip-a-tip-tap, tip-a-tip-tap, grind us a slip-a-tip-tap;
Please, Mister Organ-Man, lead us a dance…
Sing us a song…
Play us a tune.
Mrs Barn
Charming…charming! Evangeline dear, Ermintrude darling…stand a little farther forward
during that number—we mustn’t be modest just because we’re Barnstormers.
Child 1
(Aside to Child 2 as they get costumes off ) Fat chance any of the Barnstormers being
modest!
Child 2
They’re a rotten lot of show-offs.
Mr Barn
And now my friends…for a Truly Nerve-Shattering and Tooth-Chattering Experience!
Those Twin Terrors of the Trapeze…those Hair-Raising Exponents of the Art of High-Wire
Walking…Nicolo and…
Nicolo
(Striding in) Meesta Brainstorm—I no walka da wire, even one liddle inch from da groun,
onless these stupido (indicates Bill and Ben) feex eet proper!
Ben
I don’t know what he’s rabbiting on about—we fixed it just like we always do.
Nicolette
Hah! Just like always, eh? (Jostling the stagehands) Cretino! Diabolo! You know what ’e do,
Meesta Beanstalker…?
7
Nicolo
’E fasten da rope weeth Granny knots!
Nicolette
’E like we should broken both our necks!
Bill
I don’t know anything about it—HE tied the knots.
Ben
That’s right—put all the blame on me! You’re the foreman, you should have checked them!
Mr Barn
(Hastily) All right, all right. Just fix them properly this time. We’ll change the programme…
( Trapezists and stage-hands exit angrily, arguing loudly) …only keep it quiet…
( Three dancers come on and start going through routine at back stage right) …Frisby!
(Journalist enters down centre gangway with Biffo Medicine man, dressed in a ‘Biffo’
advertising suit and top-hat and carrying a huge bottle and teaspoon.)
Figgit
(Cheekily) Mr Barnstormer and company, I presume?
Mr Barn
Frisby!… ( Testily) …Yes—what is it?
Figgitt
Percy Figgitt—journalist in chief, Little Tipping ‘Clarion’—at your service.
Mr Barn
(All smiles) Delighted to make your acquaintance…
Mrs Barn
(Appearing from nowhere) Dear Mr Figgitt… (Offers her hand) …the Press are always
welcome here…and this gentleman?
Figgitt
Mr Orlando Tubble of ‘Biffo’ Body Building Tonics Ltd. You have got a Tonic Number that
we can advertise ‘Biffo’ in, haven’t you?
Tubble
It’s MOST important—you might say, a matter of life and death. You see, ‘Biffo’ needs
building up—as a tonic I mean. ‘Biffo’s’ predecessor, ‘Spiffo’, did splendidly for five years,
but after that time it fell into a decline and died a natural death last Christmas, when it
was decently interred beside its late lamented forbears—‘Miffo’ and ‘Terriffo’.
Figgitt
(Rudely) The fact is that ‘Biffo’ needs a boot behind it. So far it’s been a dismal flop!
Tubble
(Alarmed. Holding his ‘Biffo’ bottle out of earshot.) I beg you, Mr Figgitt, not so loud—young
minds, you know, are easily influenced. (Anxiously) What kind of number have you to
offer, Mr Barnstormer, may we see your Strong Man?
Vesuvio
(A very skinny, small man rushes up.) Here I am! The Great Vesuvio!
Tubble
But this is disaster…we need a HUGE man…not a weedy midget!
Vesuvio
(With dignity) Sir—reserve your judgement. I may have the exterior of a mouse, but I have
the courage and strength of a tiger.
Mr Barn
(Hastily) Our last Strong Man became so addicted to the strengthening tonics he
advertised that he put on 25 stones in weight, and now works under the name ‘Fattest
man on Earth’ with Barnum and Bailey’s Circus in America.
Frisby
We use this. (Plonks down a huge cut-out of a massive strong-man with the face missing,
centre front of apron, and a stool behind it for Vesuvio to stand on.)
Then we can do a ‘Before’ and ‘After’ number.
(Curtains close.)
Vesuvio
8
Let me demonstrate. (Climbs onto the box.) Bert…the intro please.
Music Cue No.4:
Strong Man's Medicine
CD Track 4 (13)
Singer: Vesuvio
Verse 1
A lion bold am I!
Behold this mighty frame!
Across the vest upon my chest,
You may descry my name!
My biceps bulge, but don’t divulge
The secret of my Herculean frame!
Chorus
Oh, once I was puny and lifeless,
An object of laughter and scorn.
I was scrawny and meek, a long, skinny streak,
As weak as the day I was born.
But now I’ve discovered the secret,
And the days of my gauntness have gorn.
I’m not longer a freak and my elbows don’t squeak,
Thanks to ‘Biffo’, the Builder of Brawn!
Verse 2
A man of steel am I!
Who bends these iron bars!
With might and main, I spurn this chain
As if ’twere made of grass!
This massive length, this giant’s strength,
Proclaim me as a veritable Mars!
Chorus repeated
(Company applauds)
Tubble
Splendid! Tremendous! Just the boost that Biffo needed. Our sales should go sky-high!
Figgitt
You don’t mind if Tubble and I sit and watch the rest of the proceedings?
Mr Barn
Delighted to have you. Frisby—are those ropes ready yet? Yes? Good. Now, I do my
introduction…children in place…Bert, are you ready with the accompaniment?
…And now, ladies and gentlemen—we beg you to hold your breath for the next ten
minutes. The slightest disturbance of the ether might prove disastrous to the equilibrium
of our tight-rope balance act. The Supreme…the Incomparable…Nicolo—and—Nicolette!
(Curtain open half way, showing what appears to be a rope, but is only a painted carpenter’s
plank, supported by two gym-stools which are hidden behind the curtains.)
(Music begins. Lights down. Child singers take their places. Nicolo and Nicolette take
their places. Do dance and steps.)
9
Music Cue No.5:
Tight-Rope Walkers
CD Track 5 (14)
Singers: Children (kneeling on apron, facing outwards)
High wire, high wire,
Poised like a bird.
Spotlit, high flier,
Over the void.
Stately step-dance,
High in the air.
Perfect balance,
Sky-walking here.
High wire, high wire,
Footsteps in space.
Higher and higher,
Picture of grace.
Dainty tip-toe,
Moths in the air.
Frozen statue,
Balancing there.
(Slow curtain)
Grandma
What precision and timing. They’re almost as good as we were.
Grandpa
This is the bit I like best—the trapeze work.
Grandma
Do you think those beams will hold them all right, Frisby? The barn’s very old.
Frisby
Sure to.
Figgitt
(Getting out his notebook) What a story if they fall!
Grandpa
There’s plenty of hay underneath. They wouldn’t come to any harm.
Biddy
(Coming forward) They’ve taken a few tumbles in their time.
Tubble
I can’t bear to look…it gives me vertigo!
Vesuvio
Take a swig of ‘Biffo’, that’ll pep you up.
Angelica
It makes me go all funny inside to look up at them.
Angelica’s mother
Then don’t look up, my darling. You might damage your nerves.
(By this time the whole company has assembled on the edge of the apron stage.)
10
Music Cue No.6:
Crowd-watching
CD Track 6 (15)
Singers: Company
(Heads turning in time with trapeze swing)
(spoken) Aaaaah… Oooooh… Aaaaah…
(sung) Look at their daring!
Look at us staring,
Setting our nerves on edge!
How can we bear it?
Look at us here all
Ready to sign the pledge!
Biting our nails!
Clutching the rails!
All of us gasp out loud!
Up on our feet!
Scared us a treat!
By golly, you’ve done us proud!
(Repeat song)
Tubble
Whew! I haven’t been so scared since I was a little lad!
Frisby
(Cross) Can we get on? The rate we’re going we’ll be here ’til midnight!
Angelica
(Off-stage) I don’t care about my public…I don’t care if all the newspapers in the world
were listening…I won’t do it!
(Angelica’s Mother appears from backstage, dragging Angelica)
Angelica’s Mother
( Through her teeth) Foolish child! This is your great opportunity!
Angelica
Great opportunity, is it? I only got this rotten song because Ermintrude and Evangeline
wouldn’t do it at any price. (Pouts.)
Mr Barn
(Wheedling) Angelica… ( Turning to the company) Oh, for pity’s sake, somebody, cheer
her up!
Child 1
Come on Angelica…
Child 2 & 3
You’re so good in it…
Child 4, 5 & 6
We’ll help you out…
All
Be an angel, Angelica!
Angelica
(Less sulkily) Oh, all right.
(Biddy and Mrs Whinge put on Angelica’s bonnet and give her a frilly parasol.)
Mr Barn
The moment you’ve all been waiting for…the Cherub of the Company…the Sweetheart
of the Stage…Miss Angelica Whinge as the mischievous…little—Lottie—Leicester!
11
Music Cue No.7:
'Orrible Little Blue Eyes
CD Track 7 (16)
Singers: Angelica and Company
Mr Barn
All:
My name is...
Little Lottie Leicester, with the big blue eyes;
And my chief preoccupation is with telling lies.
I just can’t seem to stop it,
Though my loved ones all say “drop it”,
I’m a story-telling moppet, with my big blue eyes!
With her BIG—BLUE—EYES!
All:
I say that...
Uncle Jake’s a burglar, but it isn’t true.
That Mother’s wheezy Pekinese was rendered down to glue!
I’m a proper little fibber,
And they sure don’t come much glibber
Than this talented ‘ad-libber’, with her eyes of blue!
With her EYES—OF—BLUE!
All:
I say that ...
Papa’s a financier and a rich one too!
And that Mother’s maiden name was Lady Fortescue.
Though I know I’ll get in trouble,
Get in triple, treble trouble,
Still I can’t resist a bubble,
While I flutter at the double,
With my great big eyes of blue!
With her GREAT—BIG—EYES—OF—BLOOOOOOOOO!
(Aside) Applaud—applaud (Company applauds) , won’t you!
Lovely, lovely Angelica—lovely.
(Policeman walks purposefully on-stage from side gangway. Dead silence.)
Oh, Constable Duff, have we done something we shouldn’t?
P.C. Duff
(Coming up central gangway and taking up position at front of apron.)
Is anybody here responsible for a large cart containing wicker baskets and what looks
like Prince Charming’s castle?
Mrs Barn
Certainly, Constable; that’s our scenery and wardrobe wagon.
P.C. Duff
Indeed madam, then may I ask you to remove it forthwith as it is obstructing the Queen’s
Highway, and as such makes you liable to a fine of forty shillings under the Highways and
Byways Act of 1764, amended in 1795 and extended in 1803, to encompass all
thoroughfares leading to and from agricultural land. And are you aware that…
Grandpa
(Coming from back of stage with Grandma.) Take the weight off your feet, Constable Duff.
Grandma
Have a cup of tea and a bath bun.
P.C. Duff
(Unbending) I don’t mind if I do. How are you, Mrs Leopold? Rheumatism still
worrying you?
12
Mr Barn
(Aside to Frisby) Move that cart, will you. I can’t afford a four shilling fine—let alone forty!
Biddy
Listen to this next piece, Constable, it’s very sad. I remember seeing it first when I was
Evangeline and Ermintrude’s age.
Mr Barn
( To Mrs Whinge) All ready. Extract your pocket handkerchiefs, good people—for what
follows is surely the most affecting…touching…and completely emotional passage ever
heard within these four walls. Pray silence for ‘The Little Crossing Sweepers’!
( Three dancers and Ethelbert take up positions with besom brooms. They sweep in unison,
heave a giant sigh and lean on their broom handles.)
Performers: Three Dancers & Ethelbert
All
From chillsome dawn to frozen dusk…
Ethelbert
From day to dreary day…
All
The four young children wait their chance
To sweep the leaves away.
Dancer 1
Eager, they glance, with hope undimm’d…
Dancer 2
Into each passing face;
Dancer 3
Look for a smile, a word, a touch…
Ethelbert
To light that dismal place.
All
Sometimes a coin comes tinkling down,
Upon the pavement stones;
Dancer 1
To bring a glow into their cheeks…
Dancer 2
And warm their freezing bones.
All
But see, what’s that? A carriage stops—a lady hastens down.
Dancer 3
She stares, intent, into each face…
Ethelbert
With sweet and tearful frown.
Mrs Whinge
(Enters) ‘It is, it is!’
All
She cries at last.
Mrs Whinge
‘It is…my own sweet loves!
I’ve searched this wide world over twice,
E’re I have found my doves!’
All
It was their long-lost mother, who
Enwrapped them in her furs,
And scattered in their meagre hands
Gold guineas from her purse.
Mrs Whinge
‘Oh, come with me, my long-lost babes.
A palace waits for you!’
All
A happy ending for us all,
A fairy tale come true!
(Whole company applauds and cheers. Mrs Whinge bows graciously.)
13
P.C. Duff
Beautiful! Beautiful! Better than Shakespeare. (Blows loudly)
Biddy
(Sniffing) I love a good cry.
Tubble
(Wiping his cheeks) Does one almost as much good as a dose of ‘Biffo’.
Dancer 1
(Having made her way to Bert) Bert! You haven’t!
Bert
Blame Frisby, not me. It’s his job to pack the baskets.
Dancer 2
What are we going to do?
Frisby
Who’s lost what, now?
Two Dancers
The music we dance to after ‘Crossing Sweepers’!
Mr Barn
Just practise the steps—the music will turn up by tomorrow.
(Dancers go through routine by curtain stage right)
We must just go through that bit of Theo’s ‘Wicked Squire’ that went wrong on Saturday.
Grandpa
(Enters at a trot from stage left) No! No! No! I will NOT put on another woollen vest.
Three is enough. Anyone would think I was an old crock, the way you go on at me!
Grandma
(Following him with a long scarf and vest) You always take cold in your back, you know
you do, if you don’t wrap up properly. Now don’t be a silly old man. Put your scarf on, it’s
perishing in this barn.
Grandpa
(Sits down and allows Grandma to put scarf on) Do you remember the time when we
didn’t have to worry about cold and damp and chills on the back?
Grandma
That was a long time ago… Ah, well…let’s run through our song. Can you give us
the introduction, Bert?
Music Cue No.8:
Grandma And Grandpa
Singers: Grandpa and Grandma (divide lines as appropriate)
Mother, dear,
Father, dear,
Do you still recall…
How we glanced,
How we danced
At the costume ball?
You were just a sweet young thing.
You my special beau…
Years have flown,
Days have gone.
When we were
What we were,
Long, long ago.
14
CD Track 8 (17)
Mother, dear,
Father, dear,
We cannot forget…
How we walked,
How we talked
On the day we met.
We were full of plans and schemes,
Hopes and dreams aglow…
Years have flown,
Days have gone.
When we were
What we were,
Long, long ago.
Mother, dear,
Father, dear,
When we had to part,
How we sighed,
How we cried,
Nearly broke my heart!
We were young and foolish then,
Thought the world was ours…
Years have flown,
Days have gone.
When we were
What we were,
Long, long ago.
Mr Barn
That was grand. It quite brings a tear to my eye.
Ermintrude
Pa, can’t we go up to the farmhouse and get into bed? We’re SO tired.
Evangeline
I can hardly keep my eyes open.
Biddy
Let the children go to bed, Mr Barnstormer, they’ve had enough for one day.
Mr Barn
They can, in a minute, but we MUST run through Mr Trouncer’s words.
Frisby, wake him up—gently, or he might erupt.
Frisby
Huh! I had to prompt him 42 times last Wednesday.
Bert
(Plaintive) Can I go now, Mr Barnstormer?
Mr Barn
Just a few minutes more, Bert, and we can ALL go.
Frisby
( Tickles Theo Trouncer with a straw. Theo has been lying on a bale of hay down-stage, asleep
for the whole of the action.)
Mr Trouncer…Theo…wake up.
( Trouncer jumps up, knocking his hat off.)
Theo
(Half asleep) Eh?…What?…Yes?…Er…‘Now is the winter of our discontent
Made…er…That is the question’. (Grandly) What’s the cue?
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Frisby
You’ve been snoring for the past two hours!
Theo
( Tetchy) Nonsense, dear boy. Just sitting with me eyes closed. Best way to listen. (Yawns)
Mr Barn
Theo, we must run through some of your lines. You were a bit shaky at the last
performance.
Theo
Shaky? Never! Mrs B may have given me a wrong cue or so…
Mrs Barn
(Ominously) I never give wrong cues!
Theo
(Airily) Happens to everybody—don’t feel badly about it, dear lady.
Mrs Barn
(Furious) Theodor Trouncer—how dare you accuse me of giving wrong cues, when YOUR
part in ‘The Squire’s Revenge’ never sounds the same from one performance to another!
Theo
Madam, I’ll have you know that I learned the whole of ‘King Lear’ at six hours’ notice, and
went through it without a prompt!
Frisby
(Aside to Mrs Barn) I remember that performance. The prompter had a breakdown in the
second scene, and had to be carried out.
Theo
Well I don’t know what we’re standing about for?
Frisby
Positions please…Mrs Barnstormer…Alice…Harriet.
Mrs Barn
(Knock at imaginary door) Hark! The dreaded sound. I fear it is Squire Squeeze, come to
collect the rent.
Alice
Oh Mother, Mother—what shall we do?
Harriet
Don’t let him throw us out into the street, Mother!
Mrs Barn
Never! Justice and honour MUST prevail. (Knock) Come in.
Music Cue No.9:
Squire Squeeze
Singers: Squire Squeeze and Company
Across the moor at dead of night,
I wend my wicked way,
To wring my wretched tenants dry
Each Rent-Collecting Day!
The more they weep, the more they howl,
The more they beg and plead,
The harder grows my flinty heart,
The greater grows my greed!
Oh, I’m a—rotten, despicable landlord;
I’m cruel and wicked and rash!
My favourite sport is seeing in court
The tenants I’ve fleeced of their cash!
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CD Track 9 (18)
I laugh when I see them transported,
I grin when they’re flung in the Fleet.
I’m never more cheerful
Than when they are tearful (demonic laugh)
I’m a rotten, despicable landlord!
On Friday night at six o’clock
We shiver in our shoes,
Knowing full well the Squire will come
Collecting of his dues.
Hark to the knock upon the door,
His brutal bawl of “Rents!”
He grabs Mama’s last farthing,
And prigs our paltry pence.
Oh, he’s a—rotten, despicable landlord;
He’s cruel and wicked and rash!
His favourite sport is seeing in court
The tenants he’s fleeced of their cash!
He laughs when he sees us transported,
He grins when we’re flung in the Fleet.
He’s never more cheerful
Than when we are tearful (demonic laugh)
He’s a rotten, despicable,
We cannot stick-able,
Mentally thick-able,
Wish we could kick-able,
Makes us all sick-able… (action of being sick)
Landlord!
Theo
( Twirling his moustache, aside to audience) A-ha! Widow Winsome and her two
daughters. Ho, ho! I shall squeeze ’em and squeeze ’em until there’s not a penny—nay,
not a halfpenny left in their miserable pockets.
( To Mr Barnstormer) That was all right, wasn’t it?
Mr Barn
Yes, yes, but don’t stop.
Theo
(Rolling his eyes) Well, Widow Winsome…er…just a minute…it’s on the tip of my tongue…
Frisby
‘Where is my rent?’
Theo
I haven’t got your rent.
Frisby
That’s what you say… ( Theo looks blank) …as Squire Squeeze…that’s what you say…
‘Where’s my rent?’
Theo
Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place. Don’t mumble, m’boy…er…what was that
line again?
Frisby
(Exasperated) ‘WHERE IS MY RENT?’
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Theo
Ah, yes…well, Widow Winsome—where is my rent?
Mr Barn
At last!
Mrs Barn
Oh Squire Squeeze, if you have an ounce of human kindness in your heart you will forget
about the rent for this week.
Alice
(On her knees) Pray have mercy, Squire Squeeze!
Harriet
(On her knees) Forget the rent this week.
Theo
What blasphemy is this? Forget the RENT? Why, RENT is sacred! RENT is the only essential
of my life—RENT MUST BE PAID!
(Looks pleased with himself )
Mrs Barn
(Kneeling) Do it for the sake of my little ones, if not for me!
Theo
Never! …Er…yes…never…no, don’t tell me…er…this stuff is confoundedly difficult to
learn. I expect the blighter who wrote it didn’t know much about the theatre.
Mr Barn
(Coldly) The ‘blighter’ who wrote it was me, Trouncer.
Theo
Sorry old fellow…didn’t mean it. (Brightening) Let’s cut to the end. I know that bit.
Frisby
All right! Let’s just get it over with. The last six speeches, where the widow reveals that she
is his long-lost betrothed.
Mrs Barn
(Raising her veil) Now do you know me?
Theo
It cannot be! …No, no,…and yet it is…my childhood sweetheart, Lady Dianthia,
forbidden to wed me by her father. Oh, friendly fate, which has given me a second
chance of happiness.
Mrs Barn
Jasper, I knew that the spark of love in your heart would not be entirely extinguished!
Alice
Stepfather-to-be! (Embraces him)
Harriet
Dear Squire Squeeze! (Follows)
Theo
I have not deserved such treatment from the…something…something of the
something…world:
Oh, happy, happy day that reunited
The childhood loves which once we thought were blighted.
Our…thingamajig…and whatsisname…were slighted—
But now our…you know what I mean…is plighted!
Not bad, eh, my boy?…I thought…
(Silence all round)
… I’ll look at the words tonight.
Angelica
I’m so tired—and there’s all the sweeping up and tidying to do.
( The whole company drags themselves to their feet and come slowly down to front of stage.)
Mrs Barn
I don’t know where we’ll find the strength to set the stage tonight.
Frisby
I haven’t a shred of energy left…
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Music Cue No.10:
The Barnstormers
CD Track 10 (19)
Singers: Company
Fit-up and set-up and brushes and mops,
Tightrope and safety-net, costume and props.
Barn for a stage, and the work never stops,
But energy’s melting, energy’s melting,
Energy’s melting away.
Energy melts like the snow in the summer.
Energy melts away, energy melets away,
Energy melts away. BUT...
Working is grand, it’s so good for the figure!
The finest tonic on earth!
We’ll work ’til we drop, ’til we get to the top,
With our pace getting quicker and quicker!
We’ll storm up the hills and we’ll storm down the valleys,
We’ll storm through a barn or we’ll storm through a palace!
We’re Barnstormers, Barnstormers, every last one!
Yes, we’re Barnstormers, Barnstormers all!
THE END
Repeat Overture (CD Track No.1) for play-out music
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