The Maze of Constructing My Identity
By
Lam Ka Man (Connie)
Before going to Victoria for a month-long English Program, I set different goals for myself. Almost all of
them were instrumental. My ultimate goal was to polish my oral English skills. I also planned to experience
a self-transformation, changing from a slow-to-warm-up person into an active person who can develop a
global friendship network with my programme friends. However, there is one small incident that changed
me most during my study. I never expected to encounter such a problem. I began to deeply ponder my
identity after the activity—Cultural Night.
Every day spent in Victoria kept broadening my vision and changing my views towards different
perspectives. In Hong Kong, I always pack my schedule tight. I grew up in a competitive society, which
emphasizes seizing every second to equip yourself in order to secure your living. After I arrived in Victoria,
I started to slow down my pace and kept my peaceful mind to appreciate everything surrounding me. I
wandered in Downtown Victoria, captured the antique Victorian architectures through my eyes, but did not
flash everything with my camera. I went to the Royal BC Museum to understand the history of First Nation
peoples and the development of Victoria. Standing under the fluttering Canadian flag, I suddenly thought of
my hometown, Hong Kong. While I could understand Victoria from different perspective as a visitor, did I,
the one who always claimed to be a Hong Kong person, know Hong Kong well? The sudden thought was a
triggering point for me to think more deeply about my own identity.
I never expected that I would question my identity before the trip. If asked who I am, I would answer ‘I
am a Hong Konger’ with no doubt. Just like many Hong Kong people, sometimes I do encounter the
paradox of whether I should consider myself as a Chinese or a Hong Kong person. The political background
of Hong Kong as a British colonial place was deeply rooted in my mind; Hong Kong is very different from
China in political and cultural perspectives. To tell the difference, we would often claim ourselves to be
more internationalized and enjoy more freedom than the mainlanders. When asked by a Canadian
immigration officer where I come from, I answered ‘Hong Kong’ without hesitation. ‘So it’s a city in
China?’ ‘Yes, but Hong Kong is quite different from China.’ I could not help myself from emphasizing the
unique identity of Hong Kong. I do this immediately when people try to treat Hong Kong and China as the
same. Being different and unique is what we emphasize for Hong Kong to stand out from China.
Yet, to be precise, what is the ‘difference’ and ‘uniqueness’ underlying my Hong Kong identity?
Cultural Night was a critical moment for me to reflect on this question.
Cultural Night was the highlight of our program. Students were grouped according to their home place
and presented their cultures to others. All of the Hong Kong students were so shocked to see others’
excellent performances. I could see how confident my Brazilian and Spaniard friends were when they
brought out their national flags and promoted their cultures to us. The Brazilian students dressed in their
own football T-shirts and performed football skills. They also performed Capoeira (a Brazilian martial art
combined with music and dance) and the Samba. All of them were proud to present their own culture. I still
remember a week before the Cultural Night when all the Brazilian and Mexican students were gathered in
the lounge to seriously discuss what to perform in the show. My Mexican friend told me that they were very
serious about the Cultural Night as they really would like to take this opportunity to let everyone understand
Mexican culture. I was very impressed to see they had prepared many props and brought local souvenirs
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from their home to Victoria. I was amazed by how proud they were about their home country! I was so
excited to see different cultures but at the same time I was worried. How could we present our Hong Kong
culture to our international friends?
The Program coordinator grouped students from Hong Kong and China together and gave us a longer
performance time. The preparation was really a tough time. We, Hong Kongers, insisted to have an ndividual
performance for Hong Kong culture instead of having the whole performance together with the Mainlanders.
It is because we thought elements of traditional Chinese culture like martial arts and dancing could not
represent Hong Kong culture. Mainland students agreed and we did our practice separately. I can still
remember the moment when we tried to brainstorm about what Hong Kong culture is. What we came up
with were Karaoke and Canto Pop Songs. However, Karaoke originated in Japan and most of Canto pop
songs are under the influence of Western pop songs. We even started to mock ourselves, saying that Hong
Kong is too “international”. I realized that I had been putting myself in a back closet for years—I had never
spent any time seriously thinking about my own identity. I could never imagine myself to be so ignorant
about my home town.
I was asked to write a brief introduction about Hong Kong for the Master of Ceremony. The first
sentence that came to my mind was, “Hong Kong is an international city where East meets West…...”
However, is it really describing the real situation of Hong Kong? I tried my best to describe it in detail, yet I
failed to write a satisfactory introduction that could effectively present Hong Kong from a Hong Konger’s
perspective. I was frustrated. I could only manage to speak briefly, just like the introductions from the
Tourism Board. I was ashamed and embarrassed as I know my friends would like to hear a vivid description
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of real Hong Kong instead of an empty description that you can find in Wikipedia. I was lost and unable to
answer the identity question for myself. We often claim ourselves to be different. We are Hong Kong people.
Some of us may even distinguish ourselves clearly from mainlanders, stating that we are totally different.
Yet, we cannot tell how special and different we are! We often claim ourselves to be living in a society
where East meets West. However, we know little about either Western or Chinese cultures. I could only
define myself as living in a place where both Westerners and Asians live. In the past, I was constructing my
identity within my imagination; I just believed what others told me without further questioning or
discovering my identity by myself.
Even near the end of our preparation meeting, my Hong Kong friends and I could hardly think of
anything to represent our own culture. In this situation, without any choices, we selected songs from the 60s
to 90s and performed them through dancing and singing. Although our performances won lots of applauses
on Cultural Night, all of us could not deny the fact that our pop song dancing show did not genuinely reflect
our Hong Kong culture. The lyrics and the dancing steps were so westernized that they failed to present the
real Hong Kong. It is ironic to say we are too “international” and could no longer find our own identity. This
gave me the greatest jolt of my stay. Cultural Night caused my to reflect deeply. No matter how eye-catching
or entertaining our performance was, what I focused on was whether we really showed the unique features
of Hong Kong culture to others. I treated Cultural Night as an intercultural activity and obviously it failed to
meet my expectations. Our Cultural Night failed to present Hong Kong culture. It just became an
entertaining talent show.
After coming back to Hong Kong, I could not help but question myself about my identity. Do I still
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consider myself as a Hong Kong person? Yes, I do. I still view myself as a Hong Konger. Yet, I am not only
saying it by making empty promises. After coming back home, I have been trying to read more books about
Hong Kong culture. I try to understand why we are lacking the understanding of our own identity. I also try
to wander to different places in Hong Kong to discover the real facts of Hong Kong. I wish I could construct
my identity through different experiences. Similar to my friends, I am sure one day I will be confident
enough to introduce my home place to others.
Today, I am still finding my way to understand more about my home place. Studying abroad was a
powerful enhancer for me to understand more about myself. The study tour ended, but it has helped me to
embark on my life journey to self-discovery and constructing of my own identity. The process of
constructing my identity will not end with me only being a Hong Kong person. This study tour also
provoked me to undergo further self-transformation. I wish one day, I could further enhance my intercultural
identity with more open-mindedness. I will not only confine my identity to my home town, but develop my
own identity by appreciating and blending myself into different cultures. To reach this step will not be easy;
I understand I have to endure different challenges and changes. The footstone for constructing an
intercultural identity is to understand your local identity first. I believe I can only understand and explore
other cultures after I understand about my local identity. Cultural Night offered me a chance for more
self-awareness and personal growth. The experience motivated me not only to understand more about Hong
Kong, but to re-examine my values and to move ahead to further construct my own unique identity.
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About the author
Lam Ka Man, Connie, is a third-year English major at CUHK. From 03-31 July 2011, she took part in the
Shaw College Overseas English Study Tour at the University of Victoria, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
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