Yes Means Yes, Stop Means Stop
Welcome to this week’s On the Path podcast. I’m Joyce Sherry,
York School Dean of Students.
Last week, I talked about Governor Brown’s recent approval
of legislation requiring California public schools to teach the
“Yes means yes” standard of consent for intimate activity. A
recent article in the New York Times describes the health course
for sophomores currently taught at the Urban School in San
Francisco. The teacher of this course has written curriculum for
the “Yes means yes” standard that is already used all over the country. It can be a confusing
topic for young people, underscoring the need to start early, ideally well before a person
becomes sexually active.
Understandably, students quoted in the Times article express surprise and some dismay that they
are expected to ask for verbal consent every time they take activities to another level of intimacy.
“What does that mean,” asks one, “you have to say ‘yes’ every ten minutes?”
“Pretty much,” their teacher answers, though adds that it’s not about timing, but about actions.
They complain that such a thing would be awkward. What exactly would you say? Their
teacher works with them patiently, reiterating the message that, awkward or not, verbal consent
is vital. Unwanted contact or even verbal expressions can’t be treated lightly. For the person on
the receiving end, they can range from creating an untenable environment to inducing trauma.
For the doer or the speaker, they can result in criminal charges.
Two hours to the south of the Urban School, we here at York are not immune to the influences
of today’s teenage culture. This is why it’s so important to engage our students in conversation
and to provide them with accurate information. In recent weeks, I have been disturbed to
hear from students, parents, and faculty members about a seemingly increasing trend of York
boys directing inappropriate commentary at York girls. The comments have been remarks on
“admiring the view” as boys walk behind girls on their way to the athletic fields. They have
been assessments of girls’ breasts and bottoms. They have been quips about taking a girl
shopping at Victoria’s Secret. The fact that these remarks have been made not only in the
hearing of the girls, but in the hearing of teachers indicates that the boys involved, and they are
several, have no idea just how inappropriate the comments are. Far from feeling flattered, the
girls are feeling demeaned, disregarded, and even threatened.
A committee of girls approached me for advice on what to do. As you well know, the safety of
all students on our campus is of paramount importance. Sexual harassment is no joke. At the
very least, it creates a climate of hostility for the victims. Being unaware that one is committing
sexual harassment is equally dangerous. It has become clear that the School needs to develop
an educational program for both the boys and the girls around what constitutes appropriate
and inappropriate behavior and what constitutes a meaningful standard of consent. This will be
important for all of our students whether they are at York, in college, or out in the world.
In consultation with the education team at the Monterey County Rape Crisis Center, I’ve
convened two focus groups of students to discuss these issues and to plan a forum to address
them. In addition, the School has contracted with a York alumna to lead two forums, one for
grades 8 and 9, one for grades 10 through 12, on relationships, sex and sexuality. In second
semester, we’ll continue our discussions of stereotypes, expectations, and the influence of the
media with forums led by the MCRCC education team.
In the meantime, I invite you to start the conversation at home. It’s a difficult topic, but as with
everything else we do as partners to support these wonderful adolescents, we are aware that we
cannot prepare the path for the student; we must prepare the student for the path.
As always, I invite your thoughts and comments about any of these topics. Just drop me an
email at [email protected].