Avoiding the Branding Iron:
How to keep from being a noob
By ßÐH_Ðìgí†
Index
1.
2.
3.
4.
Introduction
Respect on the Net
Noob Actions to Avoid
Skill vs. Cool
Introduction
Note: Though a lot of this article revolves around gaming, it extends into chat rooms, forums,
etc. The focus falls to gaming because it is the most extensive area in which the branding of a person
as a “noob” occurs.
Everyone has been called a noob at some point in their gaming career. And most of us probably
were, at one point.
As always, it is good when explaining an art to define the key terms. In this art, the key term is
indeed noob.
Etymologically, noob is derived from the English word “newbie”, which in turn was derived
from the word “new.” Phonetic spelling, rather than literal spelling, has become popular with many
circles on the Internet these days.
From here we can see that a noob, in its archaic form, simply would have been anyone who is
new to the game, sport, art, or whatever other activity that they are currently involved in. However,
culture has a way of changing our language, and so the term has come to mean a variety of things.
Some feel that spelling the word differently can also change its connotation; this is purely cultural and
is not widely accepted.
A noob can be one of a few things:
1) A person who is new to the field.
2) A person who may not necessarily be new, but acts in a similar manner.
3) A person who may not necessarily be new, but has similar skill to fresh blood.
We will be using definition 2 for this article. If you are considered a noob by definition 1, keep
playing. No one's “the new guy” forever. Should you find yourself being called a noob by definition 3,
practice, or rethink your strategies.
It should be noted that while I am teaching you how not to be a noob, it cannot be taught how to
be leet (1337). Leetness comes with time and natural ability. Leetness, as noobity, can be defined in
various ways, but that's for the guide which should never be written.
Respect on the Net
The Internet is an amazing tool. You may, with complete anonymity (for the most part), be the
rudest, most bastardly child (or adult) you can. While moderators of forums and chat rooms try to
quash this behavior, it's difficult, and in games it's even worse.
That being said, if you think that's fun and cool, you ought to either stop reading or open your
mind, because it is that kind of behavior that makes you the noob.
As you can see, there's really no need at all to be respectful on the net, especially if you're not
concerned about getting respect back. And let's face it: at least in American society, being respectful
has become pretty uncool with most kids, just like obeying the law. Damn kids. I hate kids, and I've
been saying that since I was about 15.
Why would you want respect on the net? I won't go down the road of the golden rule, and being
nice, and everyone deserves a say (Hi John. You're reading this? Great.). Because frankly, that's a load
of babying. And while everyone has the right to speak, they don't all deserve it.
So that again begs the question: why? Well, not that you're worried about the rep you have with
strangers, but if your name is known throughout the community as a noob or a lamer, you aren't going
to do well finding games, and you will get yourself kicked from many a forum and chat room.
Why else? Connections. Make connections by making acquaintances with whom you share
respect. It's useful; I say that from experience. Elite hackers helped me out when I was a Jedi Knight
hacker. My clan (Black Death Hackers) made allies because of respect between me and people like
THA_Chief. And I got some midi files from EAH_Scorpion, but that's kind of minor. Point in case, get
respect, it's a powerful tool. And as a tip, to keep it, you need to share it. Don't be a dick to someone
who's trying to connect, you'll both lose out on opportunities.
If you're the “lone wolf” type and think you don't need friends, then fine. Fuck you, go back to
your lonely little corner of the woods and be an egomaniac.
Noob Actions to Avoid
So what could make someone call you a noob? Or, rather, due to the popularity of flaming,
what actions could make you actually a noob (definition 2)?
•
•
Giving yourself a stupid screen name. Stupid, or overused, or ridiculously uncreative. Your
screen name is the first impression you give to anyone you meet. They can judge you by it, and
should, because it's yours to choose. Prefixes to avoid are dark-, shadow-, evil-, darth-, death-,
dragon-, phoenix-, blood-, fire-, ice-, and many more. The same goes for suffixes, use the list
above as well as -killer, -ninja, -assassin, -warrior, and I won't waste my time coming up with
a long list. You get the idea. The only thing worse than those cliché names is naming yourself
after a goddamn character from someone else's story: book/movie/tv show/video game/et al. I
have seen way too many fucking “Goku”s and too many “solid snakes” as well. Goku, from my
experience, is the most overused, and seeing someone with that name makes my initial respect
for them drop through the floor. For fuck's sake, come up with your own damn name. Be a bit
creative. I used names I came up with, and I'm also using them in my book. But the key word
there is “MY.” My characters, my ideas.
Spamming. There are a lot of things you can spam. All of them are bad. What can be spammed?
• Help requests - “Can sum1 tell me how 2 <insert action>?!?!?!? PLZ! PLZ!!!” This is
totally unnecessary. First, think for a second about what you're trying to do. If you've
actually tried to figure it out, ask once, don't abbreviate every word, and don't beg. Find
a fucking help file for fuck's sake.
• Begs - “I need gold/plat/meat/<insert item>/etc.” is one of the most annoying things
anyone can say in a chat. Get it for yourself. If you can't, if you're impatient and can't
put in the effort, then stop playing. This includes trade spamming as well!
• Flame – If you want to make people hate you, flame someone. If you want to get kicked/
banned/hacked, spam flames. Or mass-flame the whole crowd. Don't be an asshole, your
anonymity is not that secure, and your computer is even less so.
• Brag – True or not, don't boast about your power and accomplishments. People will
either think you're a stuck up asshole, or a lying 13-year-old. Most likely you're the
latter of the two. By the way, no offense to 13-year-olds, I know some really cool ones.
•
•
•
Flaming. You are not funny. You're not creative. You might be getting to the person you're
flaming, but you're still broadcasting the fact that you have insecurities to everyone on the
channel. And asking to be kicked/banned/hacked.
Bragging, begging, or asking stupid questions. If you brag, you're either a liar who needs to
feel important, or a snob. Begging is asking a stupid question, so we'll move right along to that.
Let me make this perfectly clear: No one is obliged to help you. If you're nice about it, and
humble about it, maybe someone will. That's right. Humble. Saying “This GUI is so gay, how
do I <insert>?” will in most cases get you a “Look it up, retard.” and in my case, because I hate
homophobes with a burning passion, a ban/ban request. If you look for the answer, and can't
find it, people might be more willing to help if you're polite. And don't lie about having looked
for it; people will know.
Using slurs. On my domains, you are automatically banned. Others may not be so harsh, but
the population won't think too highly of you. You're not better than whoever you're bashing,
and “gay” does not have anything to do with stupidity. Calling someone a fag is like calling
them a nigger. Fucking retarded and nonsensical.
Skill vs. Cool
Let's face it. No one's a dominating force the first time they play multiplayer in a game. And if
they are the second time, they've got a hell of a talent. The dynamics between single- and multiplayer
are just too different; you can't get good at multiplayer fighting against AI opponents in single-player
situations.
Know why? Because in single player, you're supposed to win. In multiplayer, you're supposed
to be evenly matched (excluding gametypes like Juggernaut (Halo 2) or Jedi Master (Jedi Outcast)).
So expect to be called a noob when you play multiplayer games in the beginning, and if you
don't adapt, you'll still be called a noob when you play. Accept it, or move on. It's not a big deal. As
long as they're calling you a noob for your skill and not your personality, it's not your problem. If
they're arrogant, then someone else could come right along and call them one. Whatever.
To get to the point, being called a noob because of your skill doesn't matter. If they're referring
to how you're acting, though, shape up.
With any comments, suggestions, or questions, email [email protected] and use the subject
line “Avoiding the Branding Iron”.
Avoiding the Branding Iron © ßÐH_Ðìgí† 2007. All rights reserved.