The Last Bastion – Dialogue Excerpt
Playwright: Mark W Sasse
[email protected]
From Act I, Scene 1
Honestly, I’m a little nervous about this weekend.
SETH
RAINBOW
Don’t be. I’m excited to spend some time with your parents. You barely introduced me to them last month.
SETH
That was a necessary tactical move. You don’t understand the forces which will be at work this weekend.
RAINBOW
Come on. You talk about them as if they’re Neanderthals.
SETH
Remind me again what I actually told you about them?
RAINBOW
You said your father was in the entertainment business, and your mother did social justice work in the
community.
SETH
I may have colored your opinion in a regrettable way by omitting a few essential facts. They are a little more
conservative than you are.
Hey, so are you. You’re a Republican …
(flirting)
… and we get along just fine.
RAINBOW
SETH
You don’t understand. Your four years in the U.S. have been spent in New York City where even the few
remaining Republicans bleed blue. Where we’re headed, deep upstate, is a whole ‘nother brand of
Republicanism, and my Dad is their mouthpiece.
I think you’re overreacting.
RAINBOW
SETH
My dad has seven guns and is a proud card-carrying member of the NRA. He believes climate change is an
elaborate hoax to redistribute the world’s wealth. Every January he joins the March for Life movement in
Washington. He reads his Bible daily, King James Version, and still refuses to watch TV on Sundays. Don’t
bring up gay marriage, Canadian healthcare, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, illegal immigration, prayer in
school, the national debt, pot legalization, or Vermont.
RAINBOW
Why not Vermont?
Home of Ben & Jerry’s.
The ice cream? You’re joking.
SETH
RAINBOW
SETH
Their flavor Hubby-Hubby depicted two men in tuxedos standing on a wedding cake. That was it for him.
RAINBOW
So he doesn’t eat their ice cream anymore.
SETH
He won’t step a foot inside the state. Oh, and we have to address your Chinese-ness.
My Chinese-ness?
RAINBOW
SETH
Yes, I foolishly told them you’re from China.
I am from China.
RAINBOW
SETH
I know, but if we could spin a tale about you actually being Taiwanese, that could buy us both a measure of
grace. He appreciates the Taiwanese for purchasing our fighter jets.
You’re being ridiculous.
RAINBOW
SETH
I’m just trying to prepare you for the not-so-subtle references to China destroying the world’s economy. This
weekend may feel like being stuck inside a presidential debate lasting forty-eight hours. I feel compelled to
apologize in advance.
RAINBOW
Don’t worry. I know something about living with an opinionated father. You should hear what my father has
to say about America.
You may not want to bring that up.
SETH
RAINBOW
However you lead the conversation, I will follow.
Just promise me something.
Anything.
SETH
RAINBOW
(He comes in closer.)
Promise me you won’t mention evolution.
I’m studying to be an evolutionary biologist!
Please.
SETH
RAINBOW
SETH
RAINBOW
You want me to lie to your parents?
SETH
They’ll assume you’re Buddhist. Tell them you’re studying religion.
You know I’m an atheist.
RAINBOW
SETH
Another point not to bring up. Can’t we think of something else you can major in?
RAINBOW
Well, I originally came to the states as a business major.
SETH
A Chinese student, studying business in an American university. No, no. A left-wing, atheistic evolutionist
would be better. We’re doomed.
(Rainbow laughs and pulls Seth in close.)
RAINBOW
I love you, and therefore I will love your family. And if it means that I have to nod my head and say ‘grace’
before a meal or talk about China’s unfair trade practices, I’ll do it for you.
(She leans in to kiss him.)
SETH
Have I ever told you how amazing you are? When I meet your parents, I’ll be whomever you want me to be.
RAINBOW
That’s going to be difficult. The only way you could ever meet my parents is if you can turn into a rich,
Confucian, Chinese businessman from Hong Kong.
(Light fades on Seth and Rainbow as they exit. Focus back to Hannah.)
HANNAH
(to audience)
I would ask that you not make up your mind about George too quickly or judge him too harshly. He’s
authentic. Completely at peace with who he is. How many of us can ever say that?
(Hannah walks to the table where George is sitting.)
Seth and Rainbow will be here soon.
(continues working)
Good, good. Can’t wait to see them.
GEORGE
HANNAH
And I can count on you to be on your best behavior this weekend?
GEORGE
You always get like this when we have company coming. I am Mr. Hospitable. Cards and movie tonight. Is
that so diabolical?
HANNAH
No, no. It’s never just cards and a movie with you. I know you, George Parsons. Someone says one
innocuous line which falls a smidgeon outside orthodoxy and you feel like you have to defend the entire faith
and country.
GEORGE
Your exaggerations never cease to amaze. This weekend is about getting to know Rainbow. Don’t make this
about us.
Oh, you twister of words, you!
HANNAH
GEORGE
I promise. You’ll get no arguments from me.
(He stands up and kisses her on the cheek.)
I am always on my best behavior. Unless this is a good time to be a little naughty.
(He hugs her from behind.)
HANNAH
I have to prepare dinner, George Parsons. Go!
(He slaps her on the behind, laughs, and starts walking away.)
What were you writing?
GEORGE
Oh, my intro to Monday morning’s show. You want to hear it?
Oh, no. I’m awfully busy.
HANNAH
GEORGE
Good morning, WGNC, God and Country Radio.
This is your morning troubadour of truth, George Parsons, with the next big thing: the prostitution of
American Higher Education at the hands of the Chinese.
George!
HANNAH
GEORGE
George, you might ask, how do you figure? Let me take a minute to illuminate. For the past fifty years, leftwing administrators have decimated our campuses of higher learning, driving up the cost of education a
hundred-fold, making it the norm for students to graduate with a worthless degree and $80,000 in debt. But
hey, someone has got to flip those burgers, and it turns out there’s nothing better to soak up the grease than
the parchment paper of a highly marketable Arts History diploma. So what’s the solution being pedaled by
those enlightened left lunatics? The government, of course. The leftists have a new educational proposal for
tuition-free college. That’s right. They want to use my tax money so a bunch of entitled, emotionally fragile,
snotty brats can walk across the rostrum and receive their diploma for such illuminating majors as cannabis
cultivation or climatology. But George, you ask, what does this have to do with China? Everything. As these
schools lose students and wait for a more liberal Congress to make their dreams of free education a reality,
the universities have to fill up the dormitories somehow, and they have broken through the former Bamboo
Curtain, recruiting millions of rich Chinese students who come here, use our resources, and then return home
to mother China with the business sense to whip us mercilessly with lop-sided trade deals and the same
manufacturing prowess we were famous for sixty years ago. But hey, at least we get to buy their junk at the
Dollar Store. China has made us look foolish, and higher education has sold out to the one-world model that
will resurrect the Han Dynasty to its former glory. Perhaps we should all start learning Mandarin because our
nation’s character is being replaced by the two Chinese characters meaning the Middle Kingdom. And that,
my friends, is today’s next big thing. I’ll be right back to take your calls.
HANNAH
George Richard Parsons!
I know, honey. I was feeling it today.
GEORGE
HANNAH
If you say one word of that when Rainbow is here…
GEORGE
I have never been one to shy away from the truth no matter whose toes it steps on.
HANNAH
Don’t you think I know that! My toes have been bruised with the truth beyond recognition. I practically have
webbed feet.
(She comes up to him.)
And here’s another truth. You breathe a word about any of this to Seth and Rainbow this weekend, that
naughty little mind of yours can find itself a comfy sofa to sleep on.
GEORGE
Hey, hey, hey. Peace. And love. See, I could have been a liberal from the sixties. Trust me, my dear. Trust me.
HANNAH
I’ll trust you if you let me throw that paper in the trash.
You mean recycling.
(playfully holding it away from her)
But it’s for work. Property of God and Country.
(blackout)
GEORGE
Act I, Scene 2: The Friday Evening Arrival
Seth and Rainbow are standing outside the Parsons house. They each have a small suitcase. Seth is looking off
into the audience.
RAINBOW
What’s the matter?
SETH
The calm of home. I lived here my entire life until I went to college. Even with all my apprehension about
this weekend, it still feels good to be here. Do you miss your home in China?
RAINBOW
No.
SETH
Why not?
What’s to miss? The
cement.
37th
RAINBOW
floor of a Shanghai condominium. A hundred-thousand people in a square slab of
Have you lived there your entire life?
We moved to Shanghai when I was ten.
You must have some good memories.
SETH
RAINBOW
SETH
RAINBOW
Not like this. The green grass. Open space is America’s true freedom. One could prance around in the
American prairies for a lifetime and never feel the need to go home.
SETH
Did you mean what you said earlier? That I would never meet your parents?
RAINBOW
They’re 12,000 miles away. What’s to discuss? Are we going to go in?
SETH
(looking over the lawn)
Why disturb the peace? I could be content right here.
You’re stalling, aren’t you?
RAINBOW
SETH
(sigh)
I wanted to do this right, but I can’t wait any longer.
What are you talking about?
RAINBOW
SETH
I want you to know how much I love you, and I need to do this before the weekend unravels everything.
Do what?
I—
RAINBOW
SETH
(He pulls something out of his jacket pocket, but his mother interrupts from the entrance to the
house, and he puts it back in.)
HANNAH
You’re here! I didn’t even hear you pull up, and then I glanced out the window and … oh, let me hug you to
pieces.
(She hugs Seth and Rainbow.)
And Rainbow. I’m so glad you could come. Bring your bags in.
(George appears at the door.)
Hey, hey, hey! Look at you two. Seth.
Hi, Dad.
(They hug.)
GEORGE
SETH
GEORGE
And Rainbow.
(She puts out her hand to shake, but he hugs her.)
You guys must be tired from the long trip. Mom has been up to her usual tricks. Stacks of meats on top of
noodles on top of baked goods from the kitchen table to the ceiling.
(to Rainbow)
I hope you’re not a vegan.
RAINBOW
No, Chinese are talented meat eaters.
(Seth cringes.)
SETH
Dad, we already discussed this on the phone, remember?
GEORGE
Well, one can be afflicted with veganism at any moment, so I hear. Not unlike liberalism.
HANNAH
Come on you two. I’m so happy you’re both here.
(Seth moves to get the bags.)
GEORGE
Na, ah! I got the bags. I’m not an old relic yet. Go on!
(Everyone moves into the living room. Seth steps toward the audience.)
SETH
(to audience)
In case you were wondering, this is an important weekend for me, for us. I have my hopes wrapped around
that girl, that angel. I know that sounds awfully sappy, but look at her. She’s perfect. I met her as an
undergraduate, but this past year, we have, well … You’re probably wondering what I have in my jacket
pocket. We all have a jacket pocket full of dreams, some fit perfectly in the palm of our hands, others tuck
neatly under the flap of our coats, wondering if a properly-timed reveal will ever be possible.
(looks back at his parents)
I’m happy to be home. We come home for many reasons, mostly because we can’t run forever.
Homecomings, like this, mark our significant life events, becoming monoliths of memory, which we will
never forget and will readily frequent in our minds for the rest of our lives. In less than forty-eight hours, I’ll
have my answer, from all three of them and I’ll know what kind of monolith is left behind.
(pause)
Friday evening always feels unsure of itself, a disaster waiting to happen, a hangover with no assurance of the
morning, but we know Sunday is coming. Or at least that’s what I was taught in this house. Sunday is coming,
and because of that, hope springs eternal. I guess I’ve returned home for one more lesson. One final point of
clarification, but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I love my parents, and no matter what
happens this weekend, I’ll still love them on Sunday. But since I’ve set out on my own, I understand that I
don’t need their approval to live my life. I do, however, want it. Terribly.
(He turns and joins the rest.)
Dad, I can take those up to our bedroom.
I can help.
RAINBOW
GEORGE
I got them. I’m just waiting on the boss-lady to tell us our sleeping arrangements.
Oh, yes. Sleeping arrangements.
HANNAH
SETH
Dad, let’s not make a big fuss about this. Let me just take them up.
GEORGE
There’s only one bed in your bedroom. Hannah, what’s the arrangement?
I don’t mind sharing—
(Seth stops her from continuing.)
RAINBOW
GEORGE
We do have that blow-up mattress. My father used it in Korea during the war, fighting back the Chi—
(He stops himself.)
It’s still in good shape. We could put it on the floor out here. Or, better yet, I could sleep in your room with
you, Seth, and Mom and Rainbow could have the king-sized bed in our room.
No. Rainbow is not sleeping with Mom.
SETH
I don’t mind if Seth and I share—
RAINBOW
I’ll sleep on the couch. Rainbow can have my bed.
SETH
HANNAH
(flustered)
That is precisely my intended arrangement. Since, that’s settled, George come help me in the kitchen. Seth,
see to it that Rainbow has everything she needs. I put two sets of towels on your bed.
All right.
(George and Hannah exit.)
Why can’t we stay in the same room?
SETH
RAINBOW
SETH
We’re not married.
You mean they assume we’re not intimate.
RAINBOW
That is the absolute very least of their assumptions.
SETH
RAINBOW
I didn’t know people like this still existed.
SETH
This house is legendary for extending the lifespan ideas which have come and gone. You’ll be up to your neck
in ethnographic studies this weekend.
(whispers)
Do they assume you’re still a virgin?
RAINBOW
SETH
Oh, yes. And they assume you’re one too.
(She starts laughing.)
Virginity if no laughing matter in this household. It’s a foundational principle of life.
RAINBOW
So where did you come from then? Has there never been a consummation under this roof?
Stop!
SETH
RAINBOW
What about you? You never snuck your high school sweetheart through the bedroom window in the middle
of the night?
No!
SETH
RAINBOW
No wild parties while your parents were away?
No!
SETH
RAINBOW
You have never had sex in this house?
(Seth hesitates. Rainbow smiles and takes his hand.)
You are adorable.
So, I’m not your first?
Are you going to show me my room or not?
SETH
RAINBOW
SETH
Of course, you have a past. And it’s yours. And, I don’t have a right to all your secrets, but we’ve never really
talked about this. How many guys?
Where’s the bathroom?
RAINBOW
SETH
A lot? You’re not answering. That many?
RAINBOW
Seth, stop. Should we walk back outside so I can carry you over the threshold? It suddenly feels
claustrophobic in here.
SETH
A few moments ago, you were commenting on the emancipating feeling of the American countryside.
RAINBOW
That’s when I thought we were going to have a nice intimate weekend together. But now you’re on the couch
for more than one reason. I’ll give myself the upstairs tour.
Are you upset with me?
SETH
RAINBOW
Why would I be upset with you? You haven’t done anything other than insinuate I used to work the
nightshift at a Karaoke shop.
I never said that.
SETH
RAINBOW
I’ll be down shortly.
(Rainbow exits to the bedroom. Seth goes to sit on the couch. Hannah enters from behind.)
Where’s Rainbow?
She’s freshening up.
Oh, good. She’s adorable. So, is it serious?
Yes. Mom, I … I plan on …
(George enters carrying a tray of food.)
Did you want this on the table?
(to Seth)
We'll talk more later.
HANNAH
SETH
HANNAH
SETH
GEORGE
HANNAH