BILLY LIAR
Directed by:
Based on the novel by:
Screenplay by:
John Schlesinger
Keith Waterhouse
Keith Waterhouse and Willis Hall
CAST
William Terrence 'Billy' Fisher
Tom Courtenay
Geoffrey Fisher
Wilfred Pickles
Alice Fisher
Florence, Billy's grandmother
Ethel Griffies
Duxbury
Finlay Currie
Rita
Gwendolyn Watts
Barbara
Helen Fraser
Liz
Julie Christie
Emanuel Shadrack
Arthur Crabtree
Stamp
Danny Boon
Leonard Rossiter
Rodney Bewes
George Innes
Leslie Randall
Insp. MacDonald
Patrick Barr
Prison governor
Ernest Clark
Disc jockey
Mona Washbourne
Godfrey Winn
Radio Station
Announcer
Good morning, housewives.
And a very special good morning... to the housewife who lives
at number 26 Fairmile Road, Derby.
Yes, it's you, Mrs. Beryl Heseltine.
Your great day, because I've got birthday greetings for you…
from your husband Charles, your son Harry, not forgetting the
girls next door. And they've chosen for you Kenneth McKellar
singing "Song of the Clyde."
And here he is.
Song
Announcer
I'll sing of a river I'm happy beside
The song that I sing is the song of the Clyde
Of all Scottish rivers it's dearest to me
It flows from the hills all the way to the sea
It borders the orchards of Lanark so fair
Meanders through meadows with sheep grazing there
But from Glasgow to Greenock in towns on each side
The hammer's ding dong is the song of the Clyde
She likes to sing when she does her housework. That applies
to a lot of you, doesn't it?
But, actually, I'm talking to Mrs. Ritchie of flat 43, Priory
House, West Bromwich.
Your niece Eileen has written to me asking for your favorite
tune... and it's coming up now.
Now, I've quite a few names. There's Mrs. Joyce Tucket...
of 74 Clement Attlee Way, Nottingham,
Mrs. Rhoda Elliott of London Road, Slough.
There's Mrs. Rose Chester of Cartmell Drive, Lincoln.
And last, but not least, there's Mrs. Betty Bullock.
Now, congratulations for you, Mrs. Bullock, on your 70th
birthday. Sorry I don't know your address, but wherever you're
listening, I hope you and the neighbors will enjoy hearing
"Litoff's Scherzo."
Grandmother
Mother
Grandmother
Mother
They've never sent my book. Should have come last week.
They've not played that record of mine yet.
Must be at the bottom of the pile, mine then.
- Them curtains can do with a washin'.
- Oh, shut up, Mother.
(note: It is her mother, not her mother-in-law)
Mr. Fisher
Grandmother
Where's His bloody Lordship, then?
She wants to go up with a wet dishcloth and wring it over his
face.
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Grandmother
Mr. Fisher
- He wants a good hiding.
- I've shouted him three times.
- That'd shift him.
- Every mornin' the same!
Hey, you up there, come on! Get out of it!
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Grandmother
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Sergeant
Billy
Sergeant
Mother
Billy
It was a big day for us.
We had won the war in Ambrosia.
Democracy was back once more in our beloved country.
Talk to him. Go up and kick him out of his idle.
- She lets him do just as he likes.
- Talk to him yourself.
Do you hear me? Bloody well get up!
- Eyes left! - Eyes left!
Battalion, by the left, salute!
It is often wondered how the left-handed salutes,
peculiar to our republic, originated.
But this is a tribute to the seven survivors of the Battle of
Wakefield, all of whom, by an amazing coincidence, have lost
their right arms.
By the left... salute!
- Billy, your boiled egg's stone cold!
Well, come on, then! It's nearly half past 9:00!
I'll not tell you again.
All right. I'm coming.
Today is a day of big decisions.
I'm going to start writing me novel 2,000 words every day.
I'm going to start getting up in the morning.
Well, I might as well cut that for a start.
Yes.
Today is a day... of big decisions.
Mr. Fisher
Don't go makin' fresh tea for him. You've got enough to do.
Grandmother
That was a blackie postman just went past the window.
They're all darkies now. There's blackie bus conductors and
blackie nurses. They can't get work, you know, in South
Africa. - Geez!
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Billy
Grandmother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mother
Billy
Mother
Grandmother
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Grandmother
Billy
-
Go on, ignorant, knock her over.
The Cabinet change is imminent.
You'll be imminent if you don't start getting up.
Good morning, Father.
Come on. Get on with it, lad.
You're half an hour late for work already.
Good morning, Mater. How are you?
She lets him do just as he likes.
I'm your most obedient servant.
You can stop that bloody game. It's you I'm talking to.
What time did you get in last night? More like this morning.
I really couldn't say. About half past 11:00.
Yeah, more like 1:00 than half past 11:00.
You start coming in at night. I'm not having you gallivanting
about all hours.
Who will you have gallivanting about now?
And what were you doing down at Foley Bottoms at 9:00 last
night?
- Who said I was down at Foley Bottoms?
- Never mind who says. You were there. And it wasn't that
Barbara you were with, either.
He wants to make up his mind who he's going with.
He goes out with too many lasses. He's like a lass himself.
Tell whoever saw me to mind their own business.
'Tis our business, and don't be so cheeky.
And if Barbara's coming for a tea tomorrow, I shall tell her, so
don't think I won't. You never played fair with that girl. I'm
surprised she bothers with you.
He's not old enough to stay out half the bloody night.
- One.
- Every bloody night alike.
- Two.
- Start coming in at a proper bloody time.
- Three.
- Or do you want to live somewhere else?
- Perhaps I will do.
- Hey, what?
I've been offered a job in London.
Geez, there's been a lot of twins born lately.
I said I have been offered a job in London.
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
(to Grandmother)
Mother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Grandmother
Billy
(American voice)
- What bloody job?
- How do you mean, you've been offered a job?
A job script writing.
Script writing? He can't write his own bloody name so anyone
can read it.
How do you mean, script writing?
I told you. Boon. Danny Boon, the TV comedian.
He's in town today opening the new supermarkets.
I sent him some of me scripts. He's read 'em, and he likes 'em.
Sent me this letter. Look.
He's offered me a job in London script writing.
He likes me material.
What do you mean, he likes your material?
This is Danny Boon, right?
And this pepper pot is me material, right?
Right?
Danny Boon sees me flaming material so he flaming well asks
me for it!
Hear, hear, hear! Watch your language. Flamin' this and
flamin' that.
He's gone too far.
Look, uh, do you wanna know or don't you?
Because if you wanna know, I'll tell ya, and if you don't wanna
know, I'll shut up.
- Right. Try again. This -
Mr. Fisher
- You just eat your breakfast.
Mother
Mr. Fisher
- Let's get your mucky self washed.
- And get to work. Why don't you see he gets washed and
dressed before he comes down in the morning?
Grandmother
She wants to burn that raincoat of his. She wants to burn it.
Fling it on fire. Then he'd have to get dressed.
Mr. Fisher
Mother
- Spoiled him all of your life.
- I knew it would be my fault.
Mr. Fisher
- I don't know. He won't have a job anywhere,
never mind London, if he goes on at this rate.
Mother
Mr. Fisher
He can't say two words to anybody without telling a lie.
What was he telling that woman about me having me leg off?
Huh! Do I look as if I've had my leg off?
Mother
You'll have to stop all this making things up, Billy. There's no
sense in it at your age. We never know where we are with you.
I mean, you're too old for things like that now.
Mother
I don't know what we're going to do with you.
Mother
Oh, my God, how dreary. Billy's pissed again.
Mr. Fisher
So glad you're going to London, you old loafer. Simone and I
were thinking of kicking you out of the old nest any day now.
Better come into the library, and we'll talk about the money
end.
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
And keep your hands off my bloody razor in future!
- Seventeen.
- You can't call anything your own in this house, can you?
Mother
Billy
Mother
Billy
Mother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Hey, shirt. And when are you going to unlock that wardrobe?
- Why?
- Because I say so.
- I've got all me private things in there.
- Never mind "things." I've got shirts, socks, pants and I don't
know what waiting to go in there. It's not natural to keep a
wardrobe locked up.
- A lad of your age.
- Well, it's my wardrobe.
Who paid for it? It's our wardrobe.
Mother
You'll get it unlocked and leave it unlocked, if you don't mind.
Mr. Fisher
Never mind! If it isn't unlocked when I get back, I'll smash the
bloody thing open.
Billy
Oh, flaming calendars. "It's a good heart that says no ill, but a
better heart that thinks none." I don't think.
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep
it from themselves."
Inspector
He's not going to London. That's another of his stories.
What did you do, spend the postage money? Was that the size
of it? You were given these calendars to post last Christmas.
All right, Billy boy, on your feet. William Terence Fisher, I
have a warrant for your arrest... on the charge that you did,
wilfully and knowingly, misappropriate 270 calendars, the
property of your employers Messrs. Shadrack & Duxbury -
Warden
Billy
Warden
Guard
Billy
Guard
Billy
Guard
Billy
Mother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Well, Fisher, you've certainly earned your remission. I must
say you've used your time well. This is the finest expose of
prison life I've ever read.
Thank you, sir. I think you'll get your reforms now, sir. A
great many MPs are on our side.
Not only MPs, Fisher.
-
From us all.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Been nice knowing you.
Bye.
- Come on, lad. Come on.
- All right.
- Aren't you ready yet?
- Just a minute.
You'll never get to work at this rate, never mind London.
Mother
You'll set off one of these days and meet yourself coming back.
Billy
Mother
- Oh, just off, Mother.
- Don't hurry yourself.
Mother
Billy
It's five to ten.
- I say, I've just been thinking.
- I might give me notice in today, if I'm going to London.
Mother
You want to make up your mind what you do want to do.
Billy
Mother
Billy
Well... work for Danny Boon.
How do you know, Billy? You've never done that sort of thing
before. You can't switch and change and swap about just when
you feel like it. You've got your living to earn now.
You worry too much. Ciao, Gram. Ciao, Mum.
And Ashanty had a small son.
Passerby
Billy
- Good morning, Billy.
- Oh, good morning.
If I can get to the end of the street without opening me eyes,
everything will be all right.
- You do know that's the late Mr. Parkin in there?
- Yes.
Because we don't want a recurrence of last week's fiasco, do
we?
- Will you check the oil?
- I have.
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Stamp
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Stamp
Extraordinary time to come to work, Fisher.
I'm sorry, Mr. Shadrack, only I spilled hot water on me arm.
I've been to the doctor's.
Must be going home time. Fisher's here.
- How long has big head been here?
- All night, I should think.
- Where do you say you've been?
- I've been to the doctor's.
- You've been to the doctor's?
- I've been to the doctor's.
Tell these good people why you've been to the doctor's.
- I don't like the look of my wife.
- I hate the sight of mine.
Ha, ha, ha.
Mr. Shadrack
chorus
- Haven't you got any work to do?
- Yes, Mr. Shadrack.
Mr. Shadrack
I'm trying to run an up-to-date organization. There's too much
laxity. Oh, Stamp, I'd like to see your ashes list.
Arthur
Watch it. He's been going through all the books. He's in a
terrible temper.
Billy
Arthur
Stamp
Billy
Stamp
Is he now? He hasn't balanced the petty cash yet, has he?
- I don't know.
- How much have you fiddled?
- Shut your head.
- He thinks postage money is part of his wages.
Billy
I've got something unpleasant to say to our Mr. Shadrack
today.
Arthur
You've got something unpleasant to say to Mr. Shadrack
today?
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Stamp
Anything I'd say to Mr. Shadrack would be unpleasant.
- Kindly leave the undertakers.
- Honestly. I'm giving my notice today.
- You are?
- Wonderful comedian.
Shadrack & Duxbury, funeral services.
Mr. Shadrack
Driver
Mr. Shadrack
Driver
Mr. Shadrack
Driver
Stamp
Billy
Stamp
Arthur
Stamp
Arthur
Billy
Stamp
Billy
Arthur
Stamp
Arthur
Billy
Shadrack to funeral fleet. Shadrack to funeral fleet.
Are you receiving me? Over.
Receiving you loud and clear. Over.
State your position, please. State your position. Over.
We're just turning into Sheepsgate from the memorial.
Traffic at Coal Lane Junction is holding us up. Over.
Suggest you divert cortege. Repeat. Suggest you divert cortege
down new bypass.
- Acknowledge, please.
- Message received. Roger and out.
Come on, shift.
Any doctor's papers amongst all this rubbish?
- Hey, what are writing to Godfrey Winn for?
- Shut up.
It's not him. It's his mother. Housewives' Choice?
- Hey!
- "Dear sir, could you play 'Just a Song at Twilight'?
- It is my favorite song."
- Do you bloody mind?
Oh, sorry, love. Uh, is that the Midland Hotel? Reception,
please.
My husband used to sing it to me when we were a bit younger
than we are now. - I bet.
- Get it off him, Arthur.
- Come on. Come on.
- No, no. Listen to this bit.
"My son also writes songs, but I suppose there's not much
chance as he's not had the training. We are just ordinary folk.
Signed, A. Fisher, Mrs."
Come on.
I'm not ordinary folk, even if she is.
Hello, reception?
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Secretary
Billy
Could I speak to Mr. Boon, please?
Uh, Danny Boon. Will you tell him it's Mr. Fisher?
- I got that job.
- You haven't.
Yeah, scriptwriter. I start next week.
You devil. How much is he paying you?
Well, we haven't discussed terms yet, but it's a lot more than
I'm getting here.
I'm sorry. Mr. Boon's not taking any calls at the moment.
Oh, uh, Mr. Boon? Uh, Fisher, this end.
Oh, very well, thank you. How are you?
Oh, that's marvelous, yes. Look, I don't want to bother you at
the moment, but I was wondering, would three o'clock this
afternoon be a good time for me to come and see you?
Oh, good. I'll bring some of my material, of course.
Stamp
Uh, the Nell Gwynn suite, is it?
Yes, uh, I thought so. Oh, that's marvelous.
Well, I look forward to seeing you then. Fine. Bye.
- And success!
- Good morning.
Arthur
It's all right. It's only me mother.
Arthur's mother
Arthur
Arthur's mother
What did you want to come down here for? Could've gotten it
through the window.
You're not getting it through no window.
How's your father, Billy? Is he still in hospital?
Billy
Uh, yes, yes. He's quite comfortable, though.
Arthur's mother
What's the specialist say about his leg, then?
Billy
I brought the key down 'cause I shall be out this afternoon.
Arthur's mother
Billy
Stamp
Well, it might have to come off, but they haven't seen the Xrays yet. There's still a good chance.
- Oh, how's your sister?
- Oh, fine, fine.
- What bloody sister?
Billy
Arthur's mother
How's your husband?
Oh, he's well too.
Here.
"April is the cruelest month. A smile can make it better."
"It takes 60 muscles to frown, but only 13 to smile." June.
"Kindness in another's troubles, courage in your own."
August.
"Think all you speak, but speak not all you think." December.
Speak all you think, but think not all you speak.
Speak all you speak, but speak not all you think!
Billy
Stamp
Billy
Stamp
Billy
Stamp
Mr. Shadrack
Stamp
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
-
Just a minute!
Come on.
Are you writin' out your will?
Naff off, Stamp.
Hey, no writing mucky words on the wall.
Oh, get lost, will ya?
Bet you're readin' a mucky book. Bet you are.
Readin' a mucky book. "His hand caressed her silken knee…"
Haven't you any work to do, Stamp?
Just waiting to go into the toilet, Mr. Shadrack.
Yes, us thought some of you spend too much time down here.
Far too much time. Better go up to the office. I've got to go out.
Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?
Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?
Yes. There's someone waitin' to come in there.
I was wondering if I could have a word with you before you
go out.
Huh?
I was wondering if I could have a word with you before you
go out.
Yes, I've been thinkin' it's about time we had a little talk.
I haven't got time now, Fisher. See me at lunchtime.
Ah, very good, Mr. Shadrack.
Billy
Duxbury
Arthur
Billy
Barbara
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Good morning, Mr. Duxbury.
It's Councilor Duxbury, Fisher.
Councilor Duxbury. That's my title.
You wouldn't call Lord Harewood mister, would you?
Councilor. Now think on.
It's Councilor Duxbury, Fisher.
- "Aye, that's my title."
- Billy! Billy!
- "Aye."
- "Aye."
- I'll see you around the corner, all right?
- Yeah.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, pet. Where are you taking me for coffee?
The thing is, I have to go to the town planning office. They're
pulling all this down.
Oh, sometimes I think you're avoiding me, you know, Billy.
- Why, darling?
- We are supposed to be engaged.
- Of course we're engaged.
- Have you told your mother and father yet?
- Uh, we'll announce it when you come for your tea tomorrow.
- All right.
- I - I - It's a lovely ring, isn't it?
- Mmm, it's lovely.
Uh, you don't think it needs altering or anything?
- No, no, it's just right.
- Well, suit yourself.
- I must dash, darling. Bit of a hurry. See you later.
- Yes, bye, pet.
(restaurant)
Rita
Billy
That's just it, Rita. I've been to the jeweler's, and it's not ready
yet.
Rita
Oh, well, you'd better get it back quick, else there's gonna be
trouble.
- Hey, Rita.
- Yeah?
- Four cheeseburgers ready.
- Right. Four cheeseburgers, love.
- Dream about me while I'm gone.
Cook
Rita
Cook
Rita
Well, where's that ring?
Billy
Arthur
Billy
- Sure thing, baby.
- What's she on about?
- The engagement ring.
Arthur
What ring? I thought you were supposed to be engaged to
Barbara.
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Rita
(to Billy)
Billy
Rita
Billy
Rita
That's just the point. I am. She had it first - Rita. I got it to
give to Barbara. Now she wants it back.
- Rita?
Yeah. I told her it was at the jeweler's getting fixed. Be hell to
pay if she don't get it.
I can't keep up with your rotten sex life. You're gonna be up
for bigamy.
Tartar.
So when's it going to be ready, then?
I'm glad you asked me that 'cause when I called the shop this
morning, the man told me it might take… another week.
- Oh, it might be another week.
- They've got three people of fill.
Of fill? Oh, they've got three people of fill. All havin' their
legs off, I suppose. Well, either I get that ring back by this
afternoon, or I'm goin' round to that jeweler's me self.
Another thing! I thought I was supposed to be comin' round
tomorrow to meet your mother.
Billy
Rita
Billy
Well, I can't wait for you to meet Mum and Dad, Rita. Only,
we've just been flooded out. All the pipes have burst.
Flooded out, are ya? I'm gonna meet your rotten mother,
whether you like it or not. I'm gonna get that ring back this
afternoon, or I'm coming round to see your rotten mother. And
your rotten father. And your rotten grandmother. We're
supposed to be engaged, if you did but know it!
What are you gawking at?
Thank you. Thank you.
(Arthur and Billy make as if they were Councilor Duxbury)
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
DJ
Liz
DJ
Liz
Liz
DJ
Supermarket owner
Danny Boon
Boon's aunt
Danny Boon
When I started out as a councilor, I had public conveniences,
them to look after.
- I was a young councilor.
- This was all fields when I was a lad.
I only had but one clog to me feet in those days. All right.
Well, I'll tell you what. The workers nowadays
- you give them tuppence a week, they're not content.
- They don't know they're born.
- They're not contented.
- They don't know when they're well off.
- They couldn't come it with me. There's always been an
Olroyd at Olroyd Mill, and there always will be. Nowadays,
young lads come down with their college ways, and they want
none of it.
- You're not wrong - Hey, what's that? Is that our bird?
- What bird?
- In that lorry. That bird. The one you used to go to France
with her.
- You mean Liz?
- Yes, where's she been this time?
I don't know. She goes where she feels like. She just enjoys
herself.
- What does she do?
- All sorts – waitress, typist. She works till she's fed up, then
she goes somewhere else. She's been all over.
Hello. I'm fine.
Doncaster!
Doncaster! Oh, God, what for? Hey!
Can I what? Yes!
In the classics! Yes!
Go on! All right. See you later. Bye.
Quiet, ladies! Please!
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure,
on behalf of City Foods Limited, to invite... Danny... to
ceremoniously open this store.
Uh, Danny Boon!
"It's all happening."
You've got a lot of relatives here this morning, haven't you?
Is that your auntie? Oh, no, it's my auntie!
- Hello, darling. Still slimmin'?
- Yes, I am.
"It's all happening."
No, thank you. I'm trying to give them up.
It's to cut the ribbon with, isn't it?
Just a minute, before you take any more, could I have a pretty
girl from the audience to come up here and help me cut the
tape? Eh? Any pretty girl? We have a lot to choose from,
haven't we?
What about you, darling? You in the brown. Would you mind
comin' up here? There's a good girl. A round of applause.
Very sporting girl. That's it.
Boon's aunt
Boon
What about a kiss to start us off, eh?
- Ooh! - It's all happened.
- That's it. Smile at the camera.
Bandleader
- Ready, girls?
crowd
Go on, Danny! Give us an autograph!
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
He's dozed off.
- Hey, got those things for you.
- What? What things?
- Passion pills. What I said I'd get for you.
- Let us have a look. Where'd you get them?
- This mate of mine fetched them from Singapore.
- I bet they're bloody aspirins.
- You what?
Eh, steady! They'll give you the screaming abdabs.
One of these, two two - and - nines at the Regal, bag of chips
and you're away!
Billy
Duxbury
Billy
Duxbury
Billy
Duxbury
Good afternoon, sir.
Isn't it time you lads packed up?
Just off, Councilor.
Ta.
I'm just waiting to see Mr. Shadrack, Councilor.
Well, you might give the floor a bit of a wipe up.
(at typewriter)
Billy
Idle Jack, or "Broad Acres, " a novel by William Fisher,
Chapter one. Ned Leather nervously fingered his cap...
as he faced the portly owner of Olroyd's Mill.
"Sorry, lad. No work... today," he said.
"Sorry, lad. No work today, he said." Idle Jack, a novel by...
Bill Fisher.
No. A novel by William Fisher.
William L. Fisher.
William D.L. Fisher.
William D. Lashwood Fisher.
William Fingal O'Flaherty Wills Fisher.
A critical biography.
(practicing the interview)
Um, first of all, Mr. Shadrack, I'd like to thank you for what
has been a very happy stay with the firm. But I really do feel
that I must seize... this, um, this new opportunity with both
hands. I'm sure you'll appreciate my position.
Well, of course, need I say... the offer of a partnership with
yourself and Mr. Duxbury... is an extremely attractive
incentive for me. But, unfortunately, my ambitions lie in other
fields.
Of course, London's a big place.
It's a very big place, Mr. Shadrack.
A man could lose himself in London.
Lose himself.
Lose himself.
Lo - o - o - o - se himself.
Lose himself in London!
Him, ah, self, ah!
Him, ah, self, ah!
Maaaaaaaaaaa.
Never in the field of human conflict...
has so much One, two, three, four, testing.
Emmanuel Shadrack, this is your life.
This is your life, Mr. Shadrack.
Your life,
Mr. Shadrack.
Your life, Shaddy - addy - addy - adrack! Your life!
Oi! Shadders!
I hope my singing didn't put you off.
Mr. Shadrack
(behind desk)
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Oh, thank you.
So you're thinking of leaving us, eh, is that it?
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Well, I was thinking, since this new opportunity – I have
succeeded in obtaining a post with Mr. Danny Boon.
- He's a comic, isn't he?
- A comedian, yes.
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Very, very clever fellow.
- So that's your ambition? Script writing?
- Yes, it always has been.
Mr. Shadrack
Do you get a salary each week, or do you get paid by the joke?
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
By the time we're burying you, you'll be going off in one of
these. Plastic. Did you know that? Yes, you see, people don't
realize. It's all clean lines nowadays. All these frills and
fancies are going out. It's all old. Same as I tell Councilor
Duxbury. You've got to move with the times. No use living in
one style and dying in another, is it?
- Quite.
- Sit down. Make your self at home.
Ah, why, it's ve - ve - very difficult to say, really.
You don't need me to tell you it's very unprofessional – a
letter like this.
- It is?
- Nobody wants to stand in your way. Don't think that, but
you might have gone about it in a more satisfactory manner.
We were hoping that you'd try and get one or two things
cleared up... before you took a step like this.
-
Oh, yes. I realize that There's those calendars to be explained, for one.
What calendars?
I think you know what calendars, my friend.
Oh, no. You see, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding.
It wasn't a misunderstanding Two or three hundred calendars...
didn't get posted, to my knowledge. We've got to get this
cleared up, you see, Fisher. We've got to get it cleared up and
implemented.
- If it's a question of payment…
Mr. Shadrack
- Uh - huh. Now wait a minute. It's not as easy as that, you see.
There's the goodwill to consider. Those calendars were for
goodwill. I can't understand why you didn't send them out.
Mother
For God's sake, why don't you tell the boring little man where
to stick his job?
Mr. Shadrack
We don't buy calendars just so that you can go out and chuck
them on the fire, you know. That's not what we're in business
for. And then there's this other matter.
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Uh, what other matter?
It's no use saying, "What other matter?" There's the matter of
the postage money, isn't there?
Just a minute.
Billy Now, the first things we intend to do, Shadrack, is to
(in limousine)nationalize the undertaking business.
Mr. Shadrack - Yes, Sir William.
Billy - This means we are going to need... experts in this field, men
of vision. I wonder if you remember showing a certain clerk...
a revolutionary plastic coffin?
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Male mourner
Woman
Mr. Shadrack
Male Mourner
Woman
(back in the office)
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Mr. Shadrack
Billy
Yes.
I was the wretch who forgot to post the calendars. Yes, I can
laugh now.
Good afternoon. In connection with the late Mr. Mathieson,
isn't it?
- Would you wait in here?
- Righty-o. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- I shan't keep you one moment.
Thank you.
Then there's his library books. We'll have them to take back.
Yes.
Yes, as I was saying, Fisher, there are discrepancies in the
postage book. I've been trying to get some sense out of your
fingers here.
- Oh, yes.
- A curious system of bookkeeping you seem to have adopted.
Uh, no, this is my own personal double-entry method. Only it's
not quite up-to-date. I'm sorry if there's been any
inconvenience.
Mr. Shadrack
Inconvenience. It's not a question of inconvenience. Anyway, I
have to tell you that, under the circumstances, there's no
question about accepting your resignation. We may have to
take some legal action. I don't know. I'll talk to you about it on
Monday.
Mr. Shadrack
Why, Fisher? Why?
Male mourner
Mr. Shadrack
- Yes, now
- I was just saying you've got a gloomy job.
And now have you got the deposit?
Barbara
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
I went up to the third floor into the soft furnishings department.
They've got some lovely materials. I saw some lovely stuff for
the curtains. Honestly, you'll love it. It's sort of, um, well, a
turquoise, really. And it's got little squiggles, sort of, well, like
wineglasses.
- Oh, yes, very nice.
- Only trouble is, if you get that yellow carpet, it won't match.
- Still, that's my department, pet.
- Hmm. I don't know, darling. I still say this ring's too big.
- Why won't you let me get it altered?
- I don't think it's too big. Anyway, I want everyone to see it
first.
- Don't blame me if you lose it.
- You do worry so, Billy. - That's why I love you.
- Oh, darling, you'll always love me, won't you?
- Of course I will, pet.
- Well, give me the ring, then.
No!
You can have it back on Tuesday. Then it'll be there forever.
- Forever and ever.
- That's it. Go on now. Give it to me.
- No!
- Give me the ring before - Billy!
- I'm, I'm sorry, darling. I'm really not me self today.
It's so good your mum got these to keep me going.
- What are they?
- Energy tablets. Would you like a couple?
- No, thank you, pet.
- Yes, it'll do you good.
Barbara
Oh, well, will it taste all right?
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Billy
Barbara
Oh, it'll taste fine. Just drink this up.
Then we'll go for a walk... where it's quiet.
Oh, Billy, it's beautiful.
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Ooh! Ooh, Billy, look!
There's a whole family in there!
- Aw, isn't it sweet?
- Fabulous.
Barbara
Mmm!
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Aw, they're all dead. What a shame!
- Darling?
- Hmm?
- How do you feel?
- Ah, contented.
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Uh, you don't feel, you know, restless?
- No. - No.
- Barbara?
- Hmm?
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Aw! Tsk!
Aw, just look at her little feet. Aren't they lovely.
Aw!
Oh, listen to this.
"With you, dearest Mother and darling Dad, happy were the
years we had."
"And it is comfort in our pain...
you are now together again."
- Isn't that nice?
- Charming.
Do you think it's wrong for people to have, you know,
feelings?
Not if they genuinely love each other.
- Like we do?
- Oh, well, yes.
Would you think it wrong of me to have... feelings?
I think we ought to be married first.
- Oh, I love you, darling.
- I love you, pet.
- Doya, really and truly?
- Of course I do! Oh, sticky fingers.
Are you looking forward to getting married?
I think about it every minute of the day.
Darling.
Billy!
Oh, promise me you'll never fall in love with anybody else.
Of course not, pet. Now, come on. Let's talk about our cottage.
- Yes, well... we'll have a lovely cottage down in Devon.
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
- Devon, yes.
We'll have a lovely garden with roses and daffodils. And a
lovely lawn with a little swing... for little Billy and little
Barbara...
- Little Barbara.
- to play on. - Mm - hmm.
We'll have our meals down by the lily pond in the summer.
Oh, oh, do you think a lily pond's safe?
I mean, what if the kiddies wandered too near and fell in?
We'll build a wall around it.
We needn't have a pond at all. We could have an old well.
Yes, an old brick well where we draw the water.
We could make it our wishing well.
And we could have...
a rustic bridge...
with a stream flowing beneath it,
not too deep because of the children.
And we could have gnomes, mushrooms.
Billy! Are you feeling all right?
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Of course, darling. Why?
Well, look where your hand is.
Oh. But I want to touch you.
Well, it seems indecent somehow.
You know you're making me ill, don't you?
Oh, poor pet. Why am I making you ill?
Well, surely you've heard of, well, of repressions. The nervous
reactions of a man who's not –
Barbara
I know what you mean, pet, but we must be patient.
We must. I mean, we'd only regret it.
- Well, just have one more energy tablet.
- No, thank you.
- I'm going to have an orange.
- " I'm going to have - " You and your bloody oranges!
Billy
Barbara
Billy
(hurling an orange)
Billy
I'm sorry, darling.
I – I've had a terrible morning.
(Jewelry Shop)
Rita
Clerk
Rita
Clerk
Rita
Clerk
Rita
- I've come about a ring.
- Oh, yes.
An engagement ring brought in for alterations.
- Oh, I see. What name is it, madam?
- It should be under Fisher.
- Fisher. Just a moment.
- If he gave you my name, it would be Corrigan.
Clerk
Corrigan. Just a moment. Fisher. Corrigan. Fisher. Corrigan.
- Got a Farmer.
- No, no, Fisher. Fisher.
- Hey, what was that?
- Where?
- That at the bottom.
- That's Cor - Corcoran. Anyway, that's a cuckoo clock. When
did it come in?
- Wednesday, I think. So he said.
Rita
Clerk
Rita
Clerk
Rita
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Are you still coming for your tea tomorrow?
Oh, of course.
Oh, well, if you are, there are some things we've got to get
cleared up and implemented.
What things?
Well, you know I've got a fairly vivid imagination, don't you,
darling?
Barbara
Well, you have to have if you're going to be a scriptwriter,
don't you?
Billy
Right. Well, being a scriptwriter, I'm perhaps at times a bit
inclined... to let my imagination run away with me,
as you know.
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
- Uh, darling.
- Mmm?
You don't mean you've been telling me lies.
Well, not lies, exactly. But I suppose I've been, you know,
exaggerating some things a bit, being a scriptwriter. For
instance, there's that business about me father - him getting
danger money on a petrol tanker.
- He's not on a petrol tanker?
- He wasn't even in the navy.
- What was he, then?
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Oh.
How many other lies have you been telling me?
- Uh, me sister.
- Don't tell me you haven't got a sister.
Barbara
Billy
Well, I did have, but she's dead. If you're still coming for you
tea tomorrow, they never talk about her. Come on. I'm just not
good enough for you, you know, Barbara. You ought to give
me that engagement ring back. I'll understand.
- I forgive you, pet.
- Oh.
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
But promise me one thing.
- That I'll never lie to you again?
- Mm - hmm.
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Mrs. Crabtree
Billy
Mrs. Crabtree
Billy
Barbara
Mrs. Crabtree
- He was a conscientious object– No, he wasn't anything. He
wasn't fit. He has trouble with his knees.
I'll never lie to you again. Never. I promise.
Billy, are we going dancing tonight?
Billy! Are we going dancing tonight, to the Roxy?
Don't say anything. There's Arthur's mother.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Crabtree. I don't think you've met my
sister Sheila.
- Sheila, Mrs. Crabtree.
- Don't try and be clever with me. I happen to know Barbara
very well indeed!
Well, I'm catching a bus, actually.
But, Billy!
I should watch him.
(at Billy's house)
(TV)
Grandmother
(TV)
Mother
Grandmother
Billy
Grandmother
Mother
Billy
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Jane Wildeblood coming to the last fence for a clear round.
No, I'm afraid she's - I'm afraid she's down there.
- She was completely unseated.
- They build them fences too high.
They tumble down.
Of course she will be penalized, and that does spoil her
chances.
Is that our Billy?
His old raincoat's been in the bathroom all morning.
And if it isn't our Billy, where's his old raincoat been, then?
What?
Don't you be so cheeky. And what time do you call this?
Twenty-seven minutes, thirteen seconds past two.
- I've had a very eventful morning.
- Don't pick!
You seem to think I've nothin' else better to do but cook.
Well, you get no dinner. I've finished cookin' for one day.
You ought to start comin' home for dinnertime, instead of
gabbin' about town.
- Good afternoon, Father. - I've not sat down all morning.
If I'm not sick - I'm doin' this for you. Do you realize that?
You've got Barbara comin' for tea tomorrow, but you won't do
anything, will ya? You've no consideration.
She sounds like such a nice girl, this Barbara.
Mr. Fisher
Go answer that bell. Go on.
Mother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
You're idle and scruffy, and you have no manners.
- What are manners?
- Talk some sense, man.
If that's what they learnt him when he went to grammar school,
thank God I'm bloody ignorant.
- Ah, a confession!
- Don't be cheeky.
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Rita
Billy
Mother
- You!
- Hello, Rita. Just a minute.
Who is it, Billy?
Billy
Rita
Uh, just a minute.
Yes, you rotten, lying, cross-eyed git! You're nothing else!
Billy
Hello, Rita. Sorry I can't ask you in. We're having our
chimney swept.
Rita
Billy
Rita
Billy
Rita
Billy
Rita
Billy
Rita
Billy
Rita
Rita
Billy
Rita
Billy
Passerby
Billy
(TV)
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Oh! They'll be having you swept before I finish. It might just
interest you to know I have been down to that jewelers, and
they've never heard of you, never mind that flamin' ring.
- You must have gone to the wrong shop.
- Hornswoggle! No, I didn't! I went to the right shop.
Hendersons in Bridge Street.
That's funny. Did you see Mr. McMichael?
I don't know! I saw the fellow behind the counter!
Well, that's it. You should have asked Mr. McMichael in the
workshop. He's my godfather. He's doing it privately.
You are rotten to me, Billy.
It's true. Ask me dad if you don't believe me.
That's me Uncle Ernest.
My dear old Uncle Ernest.
Oh, I don't know where I am with you, Billy. We're supposed
to be engaged if you didn't know it.
- You once said you didn't want to marry me.
- I did not!
I said I weren't gonna live in a rotten cottage in rotten Devon,
so don't come that one with me. I want that ring back, and I
want it tonight!
That's just it. I've got to stay in to play Monopoly with me
Uncle Ernest.
Oh, Monopoly! I'll tell you what you're doing tonight. You're
taking me dancing, to the Roxy. So I'll see you outside at
seven. And don't you be late, right?
Barbara - I mean, Rita! Oh, hell.
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
Meanwhile in this open race Hey, come in here, you. Who's she supposed to be?
- Oh, just a friend.
- That's not the one that's coming for tea tomorrow, is it?
Billy
Rita
Billy
Grandmother
Mr. Fisher
Grandmother
Billy
Grandmother
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Grandmother
- I thought you were thinking of getting engaged.
- Some has two bedrooms - Yes, but - and some has three bedrooms
- You can't carry on like this – messin' about with one lass
after another.
- I realize that.
Well, if you are gonna get engaged, why not wait a bit?
Some has bathrooms upstairs, and some has bathrooms
downstairs.
Mr. Fisher
I don't believe in interfering, but if you're gonna get engaged,
well, bloody get engaged. If you're not, well, don't bloody
bother. But don't come to me and say that I tried to stop you
doing it.
Billy
It's not that simple, Dad. I haven't really decided what I want
to do yet.
Mr. Fisher
Grandmother
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Grandmother
Billy
Grandmother
Billy
Grandmother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Mother
- No, that's Barbara.
- Well, who's this one, then?
Just a friend. She was just passing.
Actually, she's gone to see her Uncle Ernest. He lives up in
Crackshead on that new estate.
They're all new houses up there.
Well, you couldn't do any worse than me and your mother.
When we started, we hadn't two ha'pennies to rub together.
I told her, I said, You don't get married till you're 21.
- Well, we've managed.
- It's not a question of managing, Dad.
It's just that I haven't made me mind up yet.
You want to make your mind up pretty smart you do before
she makes it up for you.
- If I go to London - When your mom was 21, I said, "You can do as you like."
- Just a minute, Grandma.
- " Don't come running to me if you can't manage."
- Just a minute, Gram - "You've got to make - "
- For God's sake, belt up!
You, what? What did you say? Say that again!
- I'm only remarking - Talk bloody properly when you talk to me! What did you
say to your grandmother? Ignorant, that's what you are!
Hey, look out. That's shirt's clean.
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Billy
I'll clean shirt him, answering his grandmother back like that!
- Leave him alone.
- Him and his fountain pens and bloody suede shoes.
- If he wants to go to London, he can bloody well go.
- Oh, but he's not.
- I tell you. I'm finished with him. He can go.
- But he's not.
- He can pack his things and get going!
- I'm telling you, he's not.
- I can explain all of this.
- Ever since he started work. Grumbling about this,
Grumbling about that. If it isn't his boiled egg, it's something
else.
- Oh, shut up.
- So what do you do? Buy him special cornflakes.
- What if I do?
- And why? Because there's a submarine in the package.
- He wants putting away.
- Now, you just listen to me. He's not old enough to go to
London - Not old enough? He's old enough to get into the bloody
army.
- You want to get into the bloody army as well.
- Oh, for heaven's sake!
Hold your noise, Geoffrey. I can't stand it anymore. I've been
cooking in here - Well, every day it's the same. It gets on my
nerves.
Mom!
Mom, i - it's Gran. I think she's had another of her dos.
Mr. Fisher
Mother
Mr. Fisher
Mother
(to Grandmother)
(to Grandmother)
Grandmother
Now look what you've done.
Get her tablets, Geoffrey.
Hey, get them tablets out of the dressing table drawer. Go on,
go on, move!
We must get her onto the couch. She'll be all right there.
You'll be all right, love. You'll be all right.
Oh, come on, get out of there. I can't wait all day for you.
Come on, Geoffrey! Haven't you found them yet?
Oh, come on, Geoffrey! Hurry up!
- You weigh a ton.
- Feathers.
She wants to burn some feathers. Never mind pills.
Here you are. That's it. Put it in your mouth.
Come on. Have a sip.
Billy
Mother
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Mother
(to Grandmother)
- Is she all right?
- As all right as she'll ever be.
All right. I'll be off, then.
- Where's he going?
- Oh, we've more to worry about than him.
Now you all right, love?
(near the football stadium)
Billy
Crowd
We have fought.
We have fought long and hard.
Now at last, our struggle has been rewarded.
Italy is within our grasp!
I offer you nothing but liberty, fraternity and equality!
Come on!
We will rebuild!
Cannon and mortar have devastated...
our drab and shoddy streets.
But this I pledge.
Battalions of craftsmen...
will change the face of our city.
We will build towers!
Towers!
No less.
Fisher! Fisher! Fisher!
NEWSREEL
Overshadowing all events is the massacre at Bluebell Valley.
And General Fisher makes a personal pilgrimage... to the war scarred fields where he himself was wounded. Meanwhile,
protests are pouring into the United Nations... as once again a
shadow falls across the world. Truly, history has been made
again... and in violent fashion.
Duxbury
Now then, lad.
Billy
Duxbury
Billy
Afternoon, Councilor.
- Well, it's a grand day for it.
- Aye.
Duxbury
Billy
Duxbury
Billy
Been watching football, eh?
I'm just bound for a walk over the moor.
What've you got there? The Crown Jewels?
No, gramophone records, LPs.
Duxbury
There were naught like that when I were a lad. No record
players. We had to make us own music if we wanted it.
Male voice choir we used to have. Then there were Chapel
Choir. There were two Chapel Choirs because there was
Billy
Duxbury
Duxbury
Billy
That would break your neck.
Duxbury
Well, I'll have to manage it, whether or not.
I'm going down to the police station.
Billy
Duxbury
Billy
Wh - What are you going there for?
- Well, we're pulling it down.
- That's not, is that?
Duxbury
Yeah, that. All yon cottages and all are going.
Billy
Well, I'll be on my way now, Councilor.
So, afternoon.
Duxbury
Aye.
(turning)
Billy
Duxbury
Billy
I say.
Come here.
You're a right one with them calendars, aren't you?
- I'd have thought thee had more sense than that, lad.
So, you're planning to go to London then, eh?
Aye. Just about through with this place.
How do you mean?
Why, it's neither muckling nor mickling, is it?
Duxbury
Billy
Thou art taking a rise out of me, young man?
No, sir!
Duxbury
Well, then just talk as your father and mother brought thee up
to talk. I had no education. I had to educate meself. But that's
no reason to mock me. Now then, I don't know what else to
do yet. I haven't decided. But listen – can you take a bit of
advice?
- Yes, sir.
Billy
another chapel down Moor Cross Road. Ah, but they're all
comin' down, all the old buildings. Trams, they've gone. City
center, that's all new.
Aye, but you could get a glass of beer, meat pie, cigarettes,
matches and change out of four pence. Aye.
- Aye.
Dost thou think I could climb down yonder?
Duxbury
Now, you're a young man.
You've got a long way to go, but you can't do it by yourself.
Now, think on.
Billy
Duxbury
Me grandma's poorly.
Well, I'm glad to have had the chance of a word with you.
Now, think on.
At Danny Boon's hotel
Danny Boon (and
his entourage)
We'll be back in London in about three hours, so I'll call you
then.
- Okay. Bye. - They charged us for four single rooms!
Phone calls to London, London, Luton.
- Luton?
Billy
- Excuse me.
Bertie (Boon's manager) - Yeah?
Billy - Have you anything to do with Mr. Boon?
Bertie
- I'm his manager. Can I help you?
Billy - I was wondering if I could have a word with him.
Bertie - You want an appointment. He's extremely busy.
Billy
- I have written Somebody's had 26 other phone calls.
Bertie (to Boon) - Do you know him?
Danny Boon - I've never seen him.
Don't turn him away, Bertie. I've got three gross of these to
unload.
Danny Boon - What's your name, son?
Billy
- I'm Billy Fisher.
Danny Boon
To Billy.
I haven't put "with love." People might get the wrong idea.
- Be seeing you.
Billy
Danny Boon
Billy
- Uh, no. - I sent you some of my scripts.
- Scripts? You sent me some scripts?
- Yes. You wrote me a letter. You said that I was to call and
see your manager.
Danny Boon
Oh, did you? And here you are, eh?
Well, so you want to be a scriptwriter, eh, Billy?
Well, it's a great life. It really is.
How's it going? Have you sold any material?
Well, I was hoping that you would be able to use me... in
someway as a scriptwriter.
Oh, oh, well, that's just it, Billy.
You see, I don't maintain a personal script writer.
I've got enough to do supporting these layabouts here.
'Course, I'm always in the market for individual gags, you
know. And I pay pro rata. Are you ever up in London?
- Now and again.
- Well, I'll tell you what you do. You pop in and see me at the
office. We'll have a bit of a chat. Well, good luck then, Billy,
and keep writing, eh?
Billy
Danny Boon
Billy
Danny Boon
Outside the Roxy
Stamp
Rita
Stamp
Todd
Stamp
Rita
Stamp
Rita
Billy
Thanks, mate.
Billy
and
Liz
- Hello, Liz. - Hello, Billy.
- I knew you were back. - Oh, news travels fast.
- Where have you been this time? - Here and there.
- Up and down. - 'Round and about.
- Why didn't you ring me up? - I was going to.
- Thank you very much. - No, really I was going to. I knew
you'd be here tonight.
So I am here, my dear. Me and a few others.
- How's everything with you? - Fine.
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
How's the script writing, and how's that book coming along?
I finished it. It's gonna be published next Christmas.
Count five and tell the truth.
Oh, well, I haven't started writing it yet.
- Oh, bad as ever.
- I've written some scripts.
- Have you? Honest?
- I've been offered a job in London, script writing.
- No!
- It's for the comedian Danny Boon.
Really? I met him this morning.
He was opening the supermarket, and he asked me to cut the
tape.
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
So I noticed in the paper.
- Well, when're you going?
- Oh, soon.
- When's soon?
- Well, as soon as I can manage.
It's a bit vague. Why don't you go now?
- Why, it's difficult.
- No, it's not. It's easy. You get on a train, and four hours later,
there you are in London.
It's easy for you. You've had the practice.
Shall we go for a walk or something?
- Soon.
- Thank you.
Billy
Billy
Liz
Liz
- Has he stood you up, then?
- Oh, get off your knees!
Come with us. We'll take you home. Won't we, Todd?
Yeah, we'll take you home. Come on.
- Come on.
- Right, then.
- Here you are.
- Hey! Not so free with the hands!
(song)
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
(singing)
Billy
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Barbara
Rita
Billy
Billy
Billy
Kookie Twisterella / She hasn't got a fella
- Hey, "Twisterella."
- Eh?
- It's my song. Me and Arthur wrote it.
- Honestly?
Yeah, words and music by Fisher and Crabtree. We gave it to
them months ago. The never said they were gonna play it
tonight.
- Did you really write it?
- Isn't it great?
Kookie Twisterella
She hasn't got a fella
The kids all have a ball
But she doesn't mind at all
Congratulations.
Oh, just a little thing I scribbled on a menu in a fish restaurant.
And I suppose that menu's worth hundreds of pounds.
The price of fish has risen steeply since the war, my dear.
"She's got the kind of shake that's irre -"
Irresistible
Kookie Twisterella
- Hang on a minute.
She hasn't got a fella
- Somebody over there I'm anxious to avoid.
The kids all have a ball but she doesn't mind at all
She's Twisterella
Yeah, Twisterella
- Billy!
- Hello, darling.
I've been waiting outside for half an hour.
I said I'd see you inside. Come on. Let's dance, anyway.
I like it.
This is my song. Me and Arthur wrote it.
- Did you, pet?
- Yeah. It's the first time they've played it.
- I can't do it.
- Of course you can. Like this with your legs.
- What do you do with your feet?
- With your hips.
- No, pet. Come on. Let's have an orange squash. Come on.
But she doesn't mind at all
She's Twisterella Yeah, Twisterella
Oh, look what crawled out of the corned beef!
Kookie Twisterella
- Hello, Rita.
She hasn't got a fella
- I don't think you've met Barbara.
The kids all have a ball
- Barbara, this is Rita.
But she doesn't mind at all She's Twisterella
Billy
Billy
- Rita, this is Barbara.
I'm very glad you've come, because I think I owe you a word
of explanation.
Rita
A word of explanation? Just get back in the cheese with the
other maggots.
Barbara
Rita
Barbara
Rita
Billy
Rita
Billy
Barbara
Billy
Rita
Billy
Rita
Barbara
Rita
Barbara
Rita
Barbara
Rita
Barbara
Rita
Bouncer
Barbara
Rita
Barbara
Billy, will you kindly tell me who this girl is?
Oh, get Madam Fancy Knickers! I suppose she's your rotten
sister. I thought she was supposed to be in a rotten iron lung!
For your information, I happen to be Billy's fiancée.
Well, for your information, he happens to be engaged to me!
In front of a witness!
- I think I can explain all of this.
Explain till you're blue in the rotten face. It'll make no
difference to me.
Look, I realize this must all seem very confusing to you, Rita.
But the thing is I thought Barbara had broken the engagement
off.
- Billy! You gave that ring to me!
- Well, there's been a bit of a mix - up, Rita.
- Yeah, there has.
Well, you don't handle the goods unless you intend to buy.
Ooh, you're rotten.
Does this mean you're breaking the engagement off?
You don't get off it like that! I want that ring!
Billy! I've got to know! Have you been having –– relations
with this girl?
What do you think he's been doing? Knitting a pullover?
Give me that ring! It's mine!
I shall give the ring back if and when I break off the
engagement.
- Are you gonna give me that ring?
- Don't you threaten me!
I won't threaten you. I'll flatten you. Now, take off that ring!
- No! It's mine!
- Give it to me! Give it to me!
- Right. Come on, Gerry.
- No! Let me go!
- Give me that ring!
It's mine!
Stamp
You've had it, Fisher mate. You've had it.
Emcee
Ladies and gentlemen, that last number we just played was
called "Twisterella."
It's a brand - new one, and it's written by two of our local boys
here,
Arthur Crabtree - here's Arthur and his colleague Billy Fisher.
Billy's somewhere in the hall, I know.
Arthur
Emcee
He's probably celebrating some wonderful news he's had today.
- There he is.
- Billy Fisher. The man himself!
Congratulations, Billy.
We just heard of your wonderful job in London...
writing scripts for comedian Danny Boon.
Congratulations and best of luck.
Stamp
Billy Liar!
Emcee
Now, ladies and gentlemen, start with us the conga.
Billy
Arthur
Billy
Arthur
Stupid! What do you want to tell 'em that for?
- Why not? It's all fixed up, isn't it?
- Mind your own business!
Yes, mate. And that's what you want to do as well. 'Cause
listen, I don't know what tale you've been telling my mother...
about Barbara being this sister of yours, but she's been going
on at me all afternoon, so just pack it in... and grow up!
Announcement
Billy
Announcement
Billy
Liz
Billy
Mr. William Fisher wanted on the telephone, please.
Mr. William Fisher!
Mr. William Fisher wanted on the telephone.
Let's go.
Can Mr. William Fisher please come to the telephone?
Thank you.
Liz, do you find life difficult? You know, I wish it were
something you could turn off and start again. You know, like
starting a new page in an exercise book.
It's been done. Turning over a new leaf.
I turn over a new leaf every day,
but the blots show through.
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Thee, lass.
- Yes, it sounds like it, doesn't it?
- I do, Liz, I do.
Say it properly, then.
Well, I do, Liz, I do.
- I want to marry you, you know, Billy?
- I get engaged too often.
I don't want to get engaged. I want to get married.
Billy
Liz
Well, uh, we will one day.
Yes... one day.
Liz
Billy
- Billy?
- What?
Liz
You know, you know what you wanted me to do that night?
When we were walking through the park.
And I said another night.
Billy
Yes.
Liz
Billy
Liz
Well, it's another night tonight, isn't it?
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Billy
Liz
Billy
Uh, well, what - what - Billy?
- Mm - hmm?
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy, who do you love?
You know there have been others, don't you?
Oh, well, I somehow imagined that there might have been.
- Shall I tell you about them?
- No, no.
Well, go on, then. Tell me about it.
- No, not now.
- No, tell me about it.
- You think that's why I'm always going away, don't you?
- I don't know.
Oh, it's not that. It's - sometimes I want to go away. It's not
you, Billy. It's this town. It's the people we know. I don't like
knowing everybody. I don't like becoming a part of things.
Don't you know what I mean?
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
What I'd like to be is invisible. I'd like to be able to move
around without having to explain anything.
Liz, listen. Do you know what I do when I want to feel
invisible? Well, I've never told anybody before. I have a sort
of – well, it's an imaginary country where I go. It has its own
people.
- Do you do that? I knew you would. Oh, Billy, why are we
so alike? You know I can read your thoughts. Town Oh, no, no, no. This is more than a town. It's a whole country.
I'm supposed to be the prime minister, and you're the foreign
secretary or something.
- Oh, thank you.
- I think about it for hours.
Sometimes I think if we were married, with a house of our
own, we could just sit and imagine ourselves there.
- Yes, we could.
- I want a room in the house with a green/beige door. It will
be a big room, and when we go in it through the door, that's it.
That's our country. Nobody else will be allowed in at all. And
I thought we could make models of the principal cities out of
cardboard... and have toy soldiers painted for the people.
We can draw maps. In the afternoon, we could go there and
nobody'd find us. We could design our own newspapers.
We could make uniforms if we wanted to. It will be our
country.
Let's have a model train that the kids won't be allowed to use.
Oh, Liz, Liz, will you marry me?
Yes, Billy.
Billy
Oh, Liz.
Billy
Liz
- What is it?
- It's nothing.
Billy
Whoever's out there is gonna get their bastard teeth knocked
down their throat!
Bad boy (Stamp?)
Liz
Billy
- Yes, I do, Liz. I do.
I'm the prime minister, and you're the foreign secretary.
Leave them, Billy. Oh, leave them. They're not worth it. The
whole place isn't worth it.
Bastards!
Liz
Billy
Oh, it would be marvelous if we could.
Liz
Billy
Liz
But we can, Billy, we can. What's there to stop us?
- Well, I mean here are all sorts of arrangements to make.
- No, there's not. You just buy a ticket and get on a train.
That's all you have to do.
- Well, you can't just go.
- Yes, you can. We could go tonight. There's a midnight train.
It gets into London at seven o'clock.
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Billy
Billy
Mr. Fisher
(on phone)
(to Billy)
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Look, Billy, why don't you go to London? I'll come with you.
What, tonight, Liz?
Yes, 12:05 from Central Station. We'll be in London tomorrow.
Breakfast at Lyon's. Hyde Park in the afternoon. Piccadilly
tomorrow evening.
- Look, what time is it?
- It's just after ten.
I'm going, Billy. Are you coming with me?
- Yes, Liz, I'm coming.
- Are you sure?
I'm coming with you.
Right. I'll meet you at the barrier at about 12:00, all right?
- Fine, yeah.
- What are you gonna tell your father and mother?
Oh, they know about it already, more or less.
- Billy, you won't let me down, will you?
- No, of course I won't.
We're going to London!
Father, the men - they're coming up the drive!
Yeah. Oh, I see. Oh, oh, I see. She's still with her, is she?
Right. Thank you very much. Good-bye.
Well, what time of night do you call this?
It's only ten. Why? Do you want some chips bring in?
Never mind chips. They're down at the infirmary.
- Who?
- You mother and your grandmother. Who the hell do you
think? Your grandmother's been taken badly again.
Why? What's up with her?
Well, what's always up with her? You should know. Hey. I've
been ringing that bloody dance hall for the past hour, trying to
get word to you. Why don't you go where you say you're
going?
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
(to father)
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Is it serious or something?
Your mother wants you down at the infirmary.
Go on. Go on and get yourself a taxi ordered.
Hello. Speedway Taxis?
Could you send a cab to 23 Ringway Crescent, please?
It's to go to the infirmary.
Oh, good, good. Thank you.
Be about ten minutes.
- You don't go up there.
- I'm just - You don't go up there, I said.
- I'm just gonna get washed.
Well, you can stop looking. You don't go up there.
I'm fed up with you, with your idling and your meddling ways
and all of the other things besides.
- Well, what's up?
- "What's up?" What did you do with that letter of your
mother's?
- What letter?
- That letter that you promised to post for her for the
"Housewive's Choice".
- I posted it.
You posted bloody nothing!
I – I did post it. That's just the rough copy.
Don't tell me your lies. I found it upstairs in the wardrobe.
- Hey, and what about them calendars as well?
- What calendars?
I'll give you what for if you don't stop saying "what" to me,
young man. You can't keep your hands off nothing, can you?
I've got it all from Councilor Duxbury. What have you been
doing with their petty cash? And where is that monkey wrench
out of my garage?
What would I want with a monkey wrench?
What do you want with two hundred calendars? You're not
right in your bloody head!
Don't bloody shout at me! I'll knock you into next week!
Billy
- God give me strength.
Mr. Fisher
Strength! He wants to give you some sense. You're like a
bloody Mary Ann. You ought to be grateful you've got a job in
an office.
Billy
Grateful, grateful! Grateful for this, grateful for that! That's all
I've ever heard! Grateful you let me go to the grammar school
since the first day I went there!
- It's a chance we never had!
- And don't we bloody well know it?
Mr. Fisher
Billy
I've got to be grateful for winning my own scholarship! And
what did you say when I came running home to tell you I'd
won it? That you'd have to pay for the uniform, and I ought to
be grateful! And I'm supposed to be grateful to Shadrack and
Duxbury... for letting me sit in one of their rotten, stinking
desks all day!
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Billy
Mr. Fisher
Well, you took the bloody job on, and you'll stop it when all
that money's paid back.
- I'm not. I'm leaving.
- What do you mean, you're leaving?
- I'm going to London.
- What the hell do you think you can do in London?
- Write scripts.
- Don't talk so bloody wet. You ought to do a proper day's
work. Who's gonna run this business when I'm gone?
You once told me you didn't want me in the business!
Only because you were too bloody idle, that's all. Somebody's
got to carry it on! Who's gonna keep your mother?
- You're not retiring, are you?
- I'll give you a kick up your backside if you talk to me like
that!
I'm not arguing about it. I'm going.
Go, then. I'm finished with you. And don't think you're gonna
take my suitcase with you, either.
At the infirmary
Visitor
Visitor
Visitor
My husband had a bad accident three years back.
- Did he?
- He's all right now, but at the time -
Mother
Billy
Mother
We looked all over for you, lad.
- Where's me grandma?
- In there.
Mother
They've got that black doctor to her. She can't talk.
We're just waiting.
She was all right just after you went out.
Then when your father came home, we were all just watching
television... and she slumps forward in her chair...
and she started to slaver, just like a – just like a baby.
Billy
Mother
Will she be all right?
I don't know, lad. I... don't know.
Well, you've got yourself into a fine mess, haven't you?
Billy
Mother
So it would seem.
I'm only thankful she knows nothing about it.
Why didn't you post that letter of mine to "Housewives'
Choice"?
Billy
Mother
Billy
I did post it. I just wrote it out again, that's all.
- What for?
- There was some mistakes in it. I thought it would stand a
better chance if it was more grammatical, that's all.
Mother
Well, we can't all be Shakespeares, can we?
Anyway, we're going to sit down tomorrow and go over
everything you've done... and everything you've taken.
Billy
Mother
Billy
Yes, well, I won't be here tomorrow.
- How do you mean?
- I'm going to London. I'd have been to the station already,
well, if it hadn't been for Grandma.
Mother
If you're in any more trouble, Billy, it's not something you can
leave behind you, you know? You put it in your suitcase, and
you take it with you.
Billy
Nurse
Billy
(reading)
Mother, I said I'm going, and I'm definitely going.
Mrs. Fisher, would you come this way, please?
"Three passengers on a Belfast plane... were Mr. Goose, Mr.
Gander and the Reverend Mr. Gosling. They did not know
each other."
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
Nurse
Billy
Nurse
Billy
Nurse
- Tea?
- Please.
- Sixpence.
- All right.
Ta.
Mother
Your grandma died at seven minutes past eleven.
Billy
Mother
Billy
It's hot.
- Do you want to go in and see her?
- Uh, no.
Mother
I can't drink it.
What time train you're supposed to be catching?
Billy
Mother
Billy
Mother
Around midnight. So... I've got to go... or I won't catch it.
You haven't got any money.
Yes, I have. I've managed to save a few pounds. Do you want
me to get you a taxi?
No. I've got some papers to sign first.
We don't say much, but – but we need you at home, lad.
Billy
Yes, well, I mean, I – I won't be away for long.
I'll - You know, I'll just get fixed up.
Well, I can come home next weekend.
See, I've got to go, or I'll miss the train.
I'm sorry about me grandma.
Billy
Officers and gentlemen of the Ambrosian Militia, we are
assembled here at the graveside... to pay our respects to a great
lady. There are many of us who would not be here today...
but for her tender mercies.
Although in her later years she was limbless from the waist
down, she struggled valiantly to combat ignorance and disease.
Although she will be remembered by the world... as the
inventor of penicillin and radium, we of this proud regiment...
will remember her as our friend, the Lady of the Lamb.
Clerk
Billy
Clerk
Billy
Sir? Sir?
- A ticket to London.
- Single or return?
- Single.
Clerk
Passenger
(various)
(about Stamp)
Rita
Passenger
Rita
Billy
Stamp
Billy
Rita
Billy
Rita
(to Stamp)
?
Billy
Liz
Billy
- Two pound, eight and three, please.
- She'll look after you, son, I'm telling you.
- Yeah.
- Fifteen shillings.
- You'll be all right. Of course you will.
- What time's your train in the morning?
- About six-ish.
Six-ish, is it? She'll see you arrive on time.
- Have a nice breakfast before you go, won't you?
- Of course I will.
- We'll look after him, won't we?
- He'll be all right.
You'll be all right. When will you be back in country to see
us?
That young man is blind drunk.
What a shame. That poor girl.
You shouldn't drink, and you wouldn't get like this!
Get that man in the guardhouse. He'll feel great in the morning.
Come on. Come on!
Ah! Oh, look what's crawled out of the cheese!
Hello, Rita.
From forest and lea we come.
Um, what happened to Barbara, then?
I don't know, and I don't care.
You think you're somebody, don't you?
I'll tell you something. You're not!
You're nobody.
I'm sorry. You can have the ring, for all I care.
That ring? I wouldn't touch it.
Go on, get away. You're just muck.
Come on, you.
Come on!
I go walking at night. Left, right, left, right.
- Hi.
- I had to walk.
Oh, never mind. Do you good.
Liz
Billy
Just missed the last bus. I saw it going.
I turned the corner, and there it was moving on.
Oh, yeah.
So I walked.
I went through the back streets. I passed me old school.
There you are.
- Come on, you birds! We can't wait all night!
- All right, we're here.
- Here you are.
- Do you have the tickets?
- Ta. - Ta.
Well, I seem to have three face cloths and no toothbrush.
So I can borrow yours, can't I?
Yes.
Billy
Liz
Billy
Have you got some cigarettes?
- Yes, I've got some. Do you want one?
- Uh, no.
Billy
Liz
Billy
Travelers
Liz
Travelers
It's stuffy in here.
Where are we going?
Is it worth the money? I don't know.
Who's gonna kick for me tomorrow night, then?
- Oh, not again!
- You love that!
Yeah, but I had to leave, didn't I?
I had to pay the rent. And too many parties and all.
I hope you're not gonna talk all night like last time.
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Travelers
Billy
Liz
Billy
Liz
Passenger
Passenger
Billy
We can't get anything to eat on this train, can we?
Never mind. I've got some sandwiches with me.
Well, would you like me to get you a drink?
No, not really.
- Penzance.
- Penzance?
Yeah, and then we're back to Scotland.
Wait a minute. There's a milk machine on the station. I can go
and get you some.
- I don't really want any.
No, i - i - it'll only take a minute. Save me a place.
Hurry up, Billy!
I wonder if that kind lady would let me share her gaff.
That kind lady'll give you a punch up the throat.
- Just gonna get some milk.
Conductor
Billy
- You haven't got long.
Ambrosia, Ambrosia