SOLACE
A Publication for Survivors of Suicide
Sponsored by the Alachua County Crisis Center
218 S.E. 24 th Street, Gainesville, FL 32641
(352) 264-6789, [email protected]
April, 2005
Volume III, Issue 2
To the Newly Bereaved Suicide Survivor
Someone you loved has ended their own life – and yours is forever changed. You are a “suicide survivor,” and as that unwelcome
designation implies, your survival – your emotional survival – will depend on how well you learn to cope with your tragedy. The bad
news: Surviving this will be the second worst experience of your life. The good news: The worst is already over. What you’re enduring
is one of the most horrific ordeals possible in human experience. In the weeks and months after a suicide, survivors ride a roller coaster
of emotions unlike any other. Suicide is different. On top of all the grief that people experience after a “conventional” death, you must
walk a gauntlet of guilt, confusion and emotional turmoil that is in many ways unique to survivors of suicide.
“How long will it take to get over this,” you may ask yourself. The truth is that you will never “get over” it, but don’t let that thought
discourage you. After all, what kind of people would we be if we truly got over it, as if it were something as trivial as a virus? Your hope
lies in getting through it, putting your loss in its proper perspective, and accepting your life as it now lies before you, forever changed.
If you can do that, the peace you seek will follow.
Death touches all of our lives sooner or later. Sometimes it is expected, as with the passing of an elderly relative; sometimes it comes
suddenly in the form of a tragic accident. But suicide is different. The person you have lost seems to have chosen death, and that
simple fact makes a world of difference for those left to grieve. The suicide survivor faces all the same emotions as anyone who mourns
a death, but they also face a somewhat unique set of painful feelings on top of their grief. . .
! Guilt. Rarely in other deaths do we encounter any feelings of responsibility. Disease, accidents, old age... we know instinctively that
we cannot cause or control these things. But the suicide survivor– even if they were only on the periphery of the deceased’s life –
invariably feels that they might have, could have, or should have done something to prevent the suicide. This mistaken assumption is
the suicide survivor’s greatest enemy.
! Stigma. Society still attaches a stigma to suicide, and it is largely misunderstood. While mourners usually receive sympathy and
compassion, the suicide survivor may encounter blame, judgement, or exclusion.
! Anger. It’s not uncommon to feel some form of anger toward a lost loved one, but it’s intensified for survivors of suicide. For us,
the person we lost is also the murderer of the person we lost, bringing new meaning to the term “love-hate” relationship.
! Disconnection. When we lose a loved one to disease or an accident, it is easier to retain
happy memories of them. We know that, if they could choose, they would still be here with
(TO ANNE)
us. But it’s not as easy for the suicide survivor. Because our loved one seems to have
made a choice that is abhorrent to us, we feel disconnected and “divorced” from their
When you died the wind died, too
memory. We are in a state of conflict with them, and we are left to resolve that conflict
and lay in the earth, grieving,
alone.
The challenge of coping with a loved one’s suicide is one of the most trying ordeals anyone
ever has to face, but make no mistake – you must confront it. If you attempt to ignore it
– sweep it under the carpet or your life – you may only be delaying an even deeper pain.
There are people who have suffered breakdowns decades after a suicide, because they
refused or were forbidden to ever talk about it. Time heals, but time alone cannot heal the
suicide survivor. You must use that time to heal yourself and lean on the help and support
of others. It might take years to truly restore your emotional well-being, but you can be
assured one thing: it will get better.
By Jeffrey Jackson, ©2004, reprinted from A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide, published by the
American Association of Suicidology. Ded icated to th e life of immeasurable value that was lived by
Gail Beth Levine Jackson.
and over the earth the dusk came slow;
why did you think of leaving?
There was too little of your peace,
too little of your treasure;
we would be wise still if we judged
the wide hills by your measure.
Jane Tyson Clement
Reprinted from www.Bruderhof.com.
Copyright 2004 by The Bruderhof
Foundation, Inc. Used with permission
Dear Survivor,
Some people, it seems, possess a special sensitivity to
experiencing both the pains and joys of life to an intolerable edge.
Iris Bolton has said that when one absorbs so much of the world
there is a tremendous need to express it. Some search for this
expression - others choose escape.
Death, it has been said, is the other side of birth. Death can also
give meaning to life; a meaning which may escape you now while
your grief is so fresh and raw, but which may bring a special
quality of peace within some day. Once you have discovered this
new inner strength, you will know that you can survive anything.
But for now you may be a kaleidoscope of mixed thoughts and
feelings. Despair, longing, anger, guilt, frustration, questions,
and even understanding will tumble over each other, striving for
but not quite reaching comprehensible shape and sense. You
seek relief; you need to heal. It is a journey - and you must work
at it.
And so - accept: Accept that in some strange way, his or her
death may be a gift in the sense that it will enable you to reach out
with new understanding, offering a new dimension of love to
others, receiving, in turn, a new abundant life: not through the
loss - but through the grieving, the growing - and surviving.
And so - become: Become the most you can become. Enter into
a new dimension of self-identity and self-dependence as you come
to love others more fully and unconditionally. In releasing love
you allow it to return to you. Become all that your loved one’s
death has given to you the freedom to become.
I believe in a loving God who is with us, offering strength,
guidance and solace as we struggle with our anguish. I believe
that as we struggle to regain balance and meaning in a shattered
life, we can come to see that death can indeed bring a new
meaning to life. This is my prayer for you.
Betsy E. Ross 1984
(Betsy Ross is the author of Life After Suicide: A Ray of Hope for Those Left
Behind. Insight Books/Plenum Press, 1986.)
And so - cry: The pain is real and the tears are healing. Often
you must struggle through an emotion to reach peace and relief
beyond. Grief is the natural response to loss, and tears are a
natural expression of grief.
And so - talk: Talk to one another about your loss and pain.
Don’t hide or deny real feelings. Tell others that you need them
to take care of you. Ask others to allow you to help them
understand. Talk. The more you deny your feelings or wrap
yourself in silence, the more destructive power those feelings will
claim over you.
And so - search: Over and over you will ask, “Why?” Although
you may never find the answer, it is still important to struggle with
the question. Eventually you will give up the search. When you
can willingly let go of the need to question “why?”, it will lose its
hold on you.
And so - speak: Speak as often and freely of your lost loved one
as you need to. He or she will always be a part of you. Not to
speak of that person denies his or her existence; to speak of them
affirms their life. Believe, that in time, the pain of loss fades and
is replaced with precious memories to be shared.
And so - grieve: This time of sorrow can be used to draw a family
together or pull it apart. Some of you may need to feel and
express guilt so that eventually you will gain a more balanced view
of your actual degree of responsibility. Some of you may need to
give yourselves permission to feel and express anger even though
you think it inappropriate. Facing the reality of these feelings will
help you realize that sometimes there is no right or wrong to a
circumstance. It simply happened.
A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.
~~Charlie Daniels~~
Written en route to the funeral for his friend,
Ronnie Van Zant of the band , Lynyrd Skynyrd
The mo st basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to
listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each
other is our attention… . A loving silence often has far more power to
heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.
— Rachel Naomi Remen
THE QUESTIONS
CHAOS OF THE HEART*
I'll never pass that park again
And not think of you
And I have to drive that street again
Each day a time or two
And every rainy night in August
Every gunshot on TV
Any phone call after midnight
Brings it all back home to me
CHORUS
I'm sorry and I'm sad
I'm hurting and I'm mad
And I love you and I hate you
And it makes me feel so bad
The good is stained with evil
They cannot be pulled apart
Is there any healing from
This chaos of the heart
Every thought of you is painful
Every choice seems half a lie
Every memory a reminder
You didn't have to die
Sometimes it's hard to blame you
You were desperate for some peace
But your death is an indictment
And for me there's no release
CHORUS
Why do I feel guilty?
Will I ever find relief?
Cause...
Her spirit has left us
And soars way up high.
All that remain are the
questions
And the tears in many eyes.
She was a daughter, a m other,
A friend, and a wife.
But she cou ldn’t find answers
To the questions of her life.
To an outsider looking in,
Her life wasn’t so tough.
But those material belongings
Just were not enough.
All those she left behind
Are asking themselves why.
Why couldn’t I have reached her
And m ade her not cry.
But she is with Jesus
And her life is at last clear.
He’s answered her questions
And wiped away her tears.
So smile when you think of her
And keep your heart gay.
She’d want you to be happy,
If she could have it her way.
Now we are the ones crying,
But she’d tell us if she could,
“I’ll see you in Heaven,
So m ake your life good.”
Donna Dixon
In Memory of Patricia Carol Decker McGlynn
CHORUS
Healing's slow to come
In this chaos of the heart
Word s & M usic by Tony W ood & S teve Siler
Reprinted with permission
*The song Chaos of the H eart was written for suicide
survivors, published by M usic for the Soul, “a nonprofit
Christian ministry committed to providing life-changing
healing through music and song.” A CD of the song
may be purchased through the Music for the Soul
website, www .musicforthesoul.org.
Memory Corner
Perry Anthony Bocci 12-27-48 to 12-4-2001
We miss you - Susan and Katie
The Grief Gremlin
The toothbrush holder, the laundry basket, the magazine rack, a kitchen shelf - each of these is such an ordinary, simple part of
any home. Yet, each can be so completely associated with grief as to cause our chests to heave deep sobs with just one glance.
That seems obvious to all of us survivors, but to the outside world, that first sentence must appear to border on insanity, don't
you think?
Let's take a look at them, one by one. Who can forget walking into the bathroom for the first time after death has visited your
home and seeing one toothbrush that won't be used again? It doesn't seem important to those not trying to survive a loss, but
just the sight of a never-to-be-used-again toothbrush is akin to a body blow. Oh, how it hurts! Is it possible that it was being
used only yesterday?
Maybe your laundry basket was always full, and load after load of clothes were washed and dried, keeping you plenty busy.
Suddenly, you look in there and without your son or daughter, it seems nearly empty. Just the sign of that basket seems to
scream out "She's gone! No cheerleader uniform to clean; no soccer shirt to coat with Spray 'n Wash, no grumbling to be heard
if the socks got mixed up or one is missing.
Or maybe you've not always emptied the basket but focused on doing the essentials first. Suddenly, with less wash, you notice
your son's football socks lurking in the bottom of the hamper. Oh, to have the opportunity to wash them for Friday's game; to
see him proudly running onto the field in his uniform!
A magazine rack seems non-threatening, doesn't it? Why in the world would that be associated with instant grief? Maybe you
don't dig down into it very often but just keep piling on the latest issues. At some point, you mindlessly curb the overflow by
weeding through the old issues. Suddenly, there it is: his Golf Digest; her Teddy Bear catalogue; his Cruise Travel. Oh! It
literally sucks the air out of your lungs.
Nobody ever said grief would be so personal, so every day, so vicious to attack in such unexpected ways!
Those kitchen shelves appear innocent at first glance, too. But then, the summer heat is replaced by fall's nip in the air, and a hot
mug of cider would be just right. So you reach up and, oh! there's her mug. The Precious Moments winter scene she loved to
show off at work, or his favorite row of free Credit Union mugs that you tried to retire to the Goodwill box, but he insisted were
vital to life itself! Ugh. It's that blow to the heart again. And you think, but all I wanted was a cup of cider, and I end up with a
box of Kleenex? How?
It's the Grief Gremlin. He shows up when least expected. He seems to have an internal clock that tells him to avoid holidays,
birthdays, anniversaries - those days when we would expect to be zapped by grief reminders. The Grief Gremlin puts in his
appearance when we're going about our daily routines, when we finally have a grip on the start of another day and think we might
survive a few more hours of it; when someone has cracked a joke, and we actually chuckled just a little. Then, wham! Without
warning, he jumps us and suddenly turns an ordinary minute into a gut-wrenching memory moment instead.
It isn't easy when he appears, is it? I think the hardest part is that we can't get ready for him! We try to plan ahead for hard
holidays, but when the Grief Gremlin shows up, we can never be prepared.
Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Magazine, www.bereavementmag.com, (888) 604-4673 September/October, 1999.
"If you touch a spider web anywhere, you set the whole thing trembling. As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or
with indifference, or with hostility toward the people we meet, we too are setting the great spider web a-tremble. The life that I touch for good or
ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trem bling stops or in what far place and time m y touch will be felt.
Our lives are linked. N o person is an island."
~~~ Frederick Buechner~~~
Suicide Prevention Day
March 30, 2005
Governor Jeb Bush proclaimed March 30th as Suicide Prevention Day for the State of Florida, a day for promoting education and awareness
for suicide prevention. Grassroots advocates, survivors of suicide, members of the Florida Suicide Prevention Coalition and the Florida
Suicide Prevention Task Force met at the state capitol to increase awareness of the impact suicide has on Florida families and communities
and to support suicide prevention efforts.
According to the FSPC, Florida has taken a significant step toward preventing suicide by initiating the Florida Suicide Prevention Strategy to
reduce the incidence of su icide in the state by one third by the end of 2010. “The strategy is designed to serve as both a guide and action
agenda to reduce suicide in Florida, to have a lasting impact in bringing suicide to the forefront as a public issue, and over time to save
thousands of lives that would otherwise be taken by their own hands.”
~~~~~
In ceremonies during the month of March, the Alachua County Commission and the Mayor of the City of Gainesville also proclaimed March
30 th as Suicide Prevention Day for Alachua County and the City of Gainesville. The proclamations were received by support group member
Judy Bousquet and Alachua County Crisis Center Director Marshall Knudson, both of whom were given an opportunity to speak to the
comm issioners and the public. The proclama tions have been framed and now hang in the Crisis Center.
Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides
Internet Communities Retreat
Over the weekend of April 15, the Parents of Suicides and Friends &
Families of Suicides internet communities will sponsor their 5th annual
retreat in Pavo, G eorgia. The retreat is open to all su rvivors (membership
in POS /FFOS is not a requirement). The retreat offers survivors “a weekend away from the rest of the world, a chance to meet and connect with
others who have lost sons, daughters, friends or family mem bers to
suicide in a casual setting , in hopes of celebrating their lives and finding
a bit of peace within.” Pavo is not far from the Florida state line, about
30 miles west of Interstate 75, off of exit 29. (Not far from Valdosta.)
De tails and registration information can be found at:
h tt p: // ww w .a n ge lf ir e. co m /m y / g r i e vingparents /
FAQSPRING RETREAT.html
~~~~
Compassionate Friends USA Conference
The Compassionate Friends USA will be holding
their 28th national co nference July 1-3 in Boston,
Massachusetts. Com passiona te Friends is for all
bereaved parents, and although not spec ific to
suicide, the conference will include nearly 100
workshops, some of which will address the loss of
a child to suicide. There will also be activities for
siblings, grandparents, friends and others wh o are interested, as well as
a pre-conference Professionals D ay to help educate professionals who
interact with bereaved families following the death of a child.. Additional
information can be found at www.compassionatefriends.org.
~~~~
Local Press - Gainesville Sun
The Gainesville Sun recently ran a story about the Survivors of Suicide
Support Group. Judy Bousq uet, Marshall Knudson, and support group
facilitator Marcia Brant were interviewed for the article, which listed signs
of depression as well as information abou t the support group. Our
thanks to the Sun and reporter M eredith M andell.
SAMHSA Launches Suicide Hotline
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
(SAMHSA) last month launched the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline,
1-800-273-TALK. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a network
of local crisis centers located in
communities across the country
com mitted to suicide prevention. The
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s
mission is to provide immediate
assistance to individuals in suicidal
crisis by connecting them to the
nearest available suicide prevention
and mental health service provider
through the toll-free telephone
number. It is the only national suicide
prevention and intervention telephone
resource funded by the Fed eral G overnment. C allers to the hotline will
receive suicid e prevention counseling from trained staff at the closest
certified crisis center in the network. A nationwide public education
campaign to raise awareness about suicide and the national hotline is
under development. The national hotline is part of the National Suicide
Prevention Initiative (NSPI)-a collaborative effort led by SAMHSA that
incorporates the best practices and research findings in suicide
prevention and intervention with the goal of reducing the incidence of
suicide nationwide. In addition to the national hotline, a new Web site is
being launched at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. More than 100
crisis centers in 39 states currently participate in the National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline, including the Alachua County C risis Center.
~~~~
Surviving a Suicide Loss: A Financial Guide
The Am erican Foundation for Suicide Prevention has published a new
booklet for survivors, entitled Surviving a Suicide Loss: A Financial
Guide. The booklet may be obtained through the AFSP website:
http://www.afsp.org/survivor/financial/index.html
Whatever you do with your life whatever you end up achieving the great gift you have in you to give
to the world is the gift of who you
alone are: your way of seeing things,
and saying things, and feeling things
that is like no one else’s. If so much
as a single one of us were missing,
there would be an empty place at the
great feast of life that nobody else
in all creation could fill.
~~~Frederick Buechner~~~
The Clown in the Belfry:
Writings on Faith and Fiction
Survivors of Suicide Support Group
The Survivors of Suicide Support Group meets
the first and third Wednesday of each month from
6:30 to 8:30 p.m. at the Alachua County Crisis
Center, 218 S.E. 24th Street in Gainesville. We, the survivors,
have lost husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, sons and
daughters, mothers and fathers, other relatives and friends. All
persons who have been touched by suicide are invited to attend
support group meetings as little or as often as you wish. For
additional information about the group, please call Marcia
Brant, group facilitator, at 264-6789.
~~~~~~~~
The Crisis Center
The Alachua County Crisis Center provides a variety of services
to assist persons experiencing life crises, including persons
contemplating suicide or persons who have suffered the death
of a friend or family member due to suicide. Services include:
! Crisis Line - a 24-hour telephone crisis intervention and
From the Editor
Welcome to Solace, the newsletter for Survivors of Suicide
sponsored by the Alachua County Crisis Center. Solace is
defined as “comfort or consolation in times of distress.” Via
this newsletter as well as the bimonthly Survivors of Suicide
support group, we strive to provide all survivors of suicide individuals who have been touched in any manner by suicide with comfort, support, and information. Each suicide death
leaves multiple survivors, individuals who must deal with their
grief while also dealing with a myriad of other overwhelming
feelings, such as guilt, anger, confusion, shame, hurt. One’s
ability to cope may also be confounded by the responses of
friends, family members and others in the community - wellmeaning people who may say hurtful things or place unrealistic
expectations upon survivors, or who may deny the event in its
entirety. As a result, survivors are typically overwhelmed and
frequently feel very much alone. This is the hardest thing you’ll
ever have to do. Be patient with yourself. Though you may not
think so now, you can survive. We hope that this newsletter will
help you in your journey. And we hope you will consider
joining us in the support group, to receive the comfort,
understanding, and encouragement that connection with fellow
survivors can provide. You are not alone! We’d like to help.
We invite you to give us feedback, to tell us what additional
information you would like to see addressed, and to share with
us your experiences along the way via poems and other
writings. This newsletter is for you, for us, survivors all, to help
us in our journey. You may contact us at the following: Send
writings to or contact Donna Lawson at P.O. Box 140009,
Gainesville, FL 32614, [email protected].
counseling service. Phone counselors are always available.
! CARE Team - an emergency mobile outreach team which
responds to people in crisis whenever face-to-face contact is
essential, for example when suicide and life-threatening
situations occur.
! Crisis Counseling - Short term crisis counseling is offered
during regular business hours by appointment or on an
emergency walk-in basis.
We urge anyone struggling with the death of a loved one by
suicide to utilize the services of the Crisis Center:
Crisis Center
218 S.E. 24th Street
Gainesville, FL 32641
Crisis Line 264-6789
Business Line 264-6785
Ž 24 Hours A Day Ž
And in our sleep,
pain, which cannot forget,
falls drop by drop
upon the heart
until in our own despair,
against our will,
comes wisdom
by the aw ful grace of God.
Donna Watson Lawson
~Aeschylus
References/Links
Organizations
American Association for Suicidology
4201 Connecticut Avenue, Suite 408
Washington, D.C. 20008
(202) 237-2280; (202) 237-2282 fax
www.suicidology.org
Books
Baugher, Robert and Calija, Marc, A Guide for the Bereaved Survivor. Caring People Press, 2002.
Baugher, Robert and Jordan, Jack. After Suicide: Coping with Your Grief. AFSP: 2002.
Bloom, Lois A., A Mourning After Suicide. Pilgrim Press, 1986.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
459 Blanton Road, N.W.
Atlanta, GA 30342
(404) 257-9415
www.afsp.org
Compassionate Friends
National Headquarters for Bereaved
Parents and Siblings
P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60521
(708) 990-0010
www.compassionatefriends.org
The Dougy Center - The National Center for Grieving
Childen and Adolescents
P.O. Box 86852
Portland, OR 97286
(503) 777-3097
www.grievingchild.org
Bolton, Iris and Mitchell, Curtis, My Son, My Son, A Guide to Healing After a Death, Loss, or
Suicide. Bolton Press, 1983.
Carlson, Trudy. The Suicide of My Son: A Story of Childhood Depression. Minnesota: Benline
Press, 1995.
Chance, Sue, Stronger Than Death: When Suicide Touches Your Life. Replica Books, 1997.
The Dougy Center, After a Suicide: A Workbook for Grieving Kids. [email protected] or tollfree 866-775-5683
Dunne, E. Dunne-Maxim, K., McIntosh, J. (Eds.), Suicide and Its Aftermath. New York: W.W.
Norton, 1987.
Fine, Carla, No Time to Say Good-Bye. Broadway Books, 1997.
Grollman, Rabbi Earl, Living With Loss, Healing With Hope: A Jewish Perspective.
Grollman, Earl, Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent & Child. Beacon Press, 1991.
Florida Suicide Prevention Coalition (FSPC)
26 Cole Place
Palm Coast, FL 32137
386-446-4690
386-447-0938
www.floridasuicideprevention.org
Hsu, Albert Y, Grieving a Suicide: A Loved One’s Search for Comfort, Answers, and Hope.
InterVarsity Press, 2002.
Friends for Survival, Inc.
P.O. Box 214463
Sacramento, CA 95821
(916) 392-0664
www.friendsforsurvival.org
Kolf, June Cerza, Standing in the Shadow: Help and Encouragement for Suicide Survivors. Baker
Books, 2002.
National Resource Center for Suicide
Prevention and Aftercare
The Link Counseling Center
348 Mt. Vernon Highway, N.E.
Atlanta, GA 30328
(404) 256-9797; (404) 256-3483
www.thelink.org
Suicide Awareness\Voices of
Education (SA\VE)
P.O. Box 24507
Minneapolis, MN 55424
(612)946-7998
www.save.org
Jamison, Kay Redfield, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. Knopf, 2000.
Klagsbrun, F. Too Young to Die: Youth and Suicide. New York: Pocket Books, 1981.
Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed. Bantam Books: New York, 1961.
Linn-Gust, M., Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling.
Bolton Press, 2001.
Parkin, Rebecca & Dunne-Maxim, Karen, Child Survivors of Suicide: A Guidebook for Those Who
Care for Them.
Ross, E. Betsy, Life After Suicide: A Ray of Hope for Those Left Behind. Insight Books/Plenum
Press, 1986.
Rubel, Barbara, But I Didn’t Say Good-bye: For Parents and Professionals Helping Child Suicide
Survivors. Griefwork Center, Inc., 2000. Stimming, M.T. and Stimming, M. (Editors), Before Their Time:
Adult Children’s Experience of Parental Suicide. Temple University Press, 1999.
“He carried for a long time the burden of so much pain as he searched for you, O God of all creations! But the weight was much more
than one can bear! O Holy-Spirit, embrace and strengthen the spirit of the beloved warrior, let his Light shine brighter, and
guide him into the Light of Your presence. Protect him with your power, embrace with your love and compassion, and
enlighten h im with your wisdom. T his I hum bly ask in the n ame of the M ost Holy and M ost Sacred."
Apulian Prayer
http://www.sunyit.edu/~nicola/alexey_apulians_frames.html
Solace
218 S.E. 24th Street
Gainesville, FL 32641