“Dead” Is Not a Bad Word
Sarah Cantrell
Written October 2014
I’m going to tell you a secret. The core of my field of
work is helping people enjoy their last days of life,
knowing they are not long for this world. And yet
when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of it, I often
have a hard time using the words “dead” and “died.”
somehow, someone had gotten it wrong: My grandmother did not wear makeup, yet there she was in
pressed powder and lipstick. And where on earth
were her glasses? (I totally had that moment from
“My Girl” where I was convinced she had to have
those glasses.) And so I spent the rest of that night
I had truly never thought about the language of
and the whole day of the funeral very, very angry
death- and my “death” discomfort- until it came up
because she didn’t look like herself. How could she
in conversation during a staff meeting. We were
possibly “pass” on to the next adventure if she didn’t
discussing the ways we interact with families and
how important it is to be clear in our communications have her glasses and didn’t look like herself? And so,
so that families know exactly what is happening and despite using delicate language to avoid the hard
truth, I had to face reality in that funeral home: My
what to expect. A social worker noted that
Grandma was dead, never to “pass” back into this
sometimes folks have just as much trouble with the
words “death” and “dying” as they do with that fact world. And so, “dead” became a dirty word to me.
that their loved one is dead or dying.
She hadn’t simply passed through this life, though.
She lived her life- raising all of those kids and helping
I’m one of those folks.
with the herd of grandkids that came along, travelling
I can pinpoint the exact circumstances when “dead” to visit her children as they moved around the U.S.,
became a dirty word to me. My maternal grandand always being open to whatever the day may
mother was hands-down my favorite human being.
bring. She lived a long full life, and she died the way
She raised 11 children and life wasn’t always easy for that many of us would want- in her sleep, surrounded
the family. And even after sending all four of her
by loved ones. And, I’m ok with it. It took me 20
sons off to war, losing her husband, suffering two
years to get there, but “dead” no longer tastes bitter
strokes, and countless other struggles, she was
on my tongue.
incessantly happy. And kind. And just plain good. I
spent a lot of time at her home while I was growing Death is not always as peaceful as it was for my
up, and we were very close. So at the ripe age of 13, Grandma, but it does surely come for all of us. And
according to Ram Dass, in his book Still Here, “I find it
two days into my Freshman year at a brand new
school, my world was already full of drama when my delightful that the optimal way I can live my life from
moment-to-moment is also the optimal way I can
mom simply told me that Grandma had suffered a
prepare for my death, and equally delightful that
third stroke and had “passed away.”
acknowledging our future death is a prerequisite for
At this point in time, I was no stranger to funerals.
living a truly joyful life now.”
At age 4, I lost my maternal grandfather and paternal
grandmother; aunts and uncles succumbed to various As a deeply religious person, my Grandmother
accepted her mortality early on and was able to enjoy
illnesses throughout my youth; and my paternal
her life as a result. She shared many things with me
grandfather died just one year prior. However, this
one hit me straight in the gut (and I still feel the loss while we had our time together. However, this lesson
about living fully without fear of the inevitable,
to this day).
learned many years after her death, will forever be
When we arrived for the family viewing, prior to
one of my most cherished. I choose to believe that
visitation, my grief turned to rage. You see,
death can’t be all that bad if it forces you to truly live.