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the Following Sample
• This sample is an excerpt from a Samuel French
title.
• This sample is for perusal only and may not be
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Elemeno Pea
Molly Smith Metzler
WORKING DRAFT - NOT A FINAL VERSION
45 West 25th Street New York, NY 10010-2751
Phone: (866) 598-8449
Fax: (212) 206-1429
[email protected]
samuelfrench.com
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Molly SmithU
Metzler
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Elemeno Pea
WORKING DRAFT - NOT FINAL VERSION.
45 West 25th Street New York, NY 10010-2751
Phone: (866) 598-8449
Fax: (212) 206-1429
[email protected]
samuelfrench.com
Copyright © 2013 by Molly Smith Metzler
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that ELEMENO PEA is
subject to a Licensing Fee. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of
America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright
Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public
reading, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign languages are
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The amateur live stage performance rights to ELEMENO PEA are controlled exclusively
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Stock licensing fees quoted upon application to Samuel French, Inc.
For all other rights than those stipulated above, apply to: Samuel French, inc.
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Copying from this book in whole or in part is strictly forbidden by law, and the right of
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Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play: “Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French, Inc.”
Due authorship credit must be given on all programs, printing and advertising for the
play.
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Elemeno
eno Pea
Pe
a pl
play by
W
O
R
Molly Sm
S
Smith Metzler
Draft for F
Fren
French
5/13
5/
5/1
Characters:
Place:
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Elemeno Pea
Michaela
married to Peter Kell & thee owner
ne of this hhouse
Simone
her assistant
Devon
Simone's sister
Ethan
a friend of Pe
Peter & Michae
Micha
Michaela's
Jos-B
the property
caretaker
operty
perty careta
care
W
O
R
A *ludicrous*
ludicrous* beach
be
estate located right
ht on a bluff in Martha’s Vineyard.
In real life,
lif this house is on the same
me street
treet as th
tthe Kennedy compound
d in Aquinna
Aquinn
Aquinnah.
Time:
This year, just after
er Labor Day
Day. The island has started
d emptying oout, but you can still
smell suntan lotion
tion
ion (the exp
expensive kind).
Note:
This play occurs in real time with
scene
h neither sce
ce breaks nor an intermission.
Lights up on the beach estate in Martha’s Vineyard, late afternoon
(around 4pm).
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A fancy alarm system deactivates and Simone enters. She is a natural
beauty and is very tan, very poised, and dressed from head to toe in
Lilly Pulitzer. The upstage curtains cover an entire wall of glass doors
that open out onto a wrap-around
aro
arou
deck and a *ridiculous* view of the
ocean.
Devon hovers by thee door, mouth agape. She carries a tattered duffel bag
and has absolutely
lutely
utely never been
b anywhere this rich.
Simone
Come on, come in! Make yourself at home.
ome.
Devon
evon
..................holy............................shit....................
.. shit
......
sh
SSimone
I know, right?!
Devon
R
Holy Shit!
Simone
O
I know,
now, right?!
ht?
W
Devon
von
Simone! This is where you live?? THIS IS
Simone
SW
WHERE YOU FREAKING
ING L
LIVE?!?!
E?!?
Simone
Si
I know right?! And Dev,
ev,
v, look:
(activating the automated curtains, which reveal:)
reveal
500 feet of private beach on the Nantucket Sound. It’s
illegal for anyone but us to walk
I literally ill
on that beach.
Devon
..................shut.............up............
Simone
(pointing to something els
else)
And see over there? Hot tub, infinity
nity po
pool. And there’s a pool-side fridge with a case of
Cristal chilling for us.
Devon
Oh my God. Your life’s a J-Lo movie! I’m in a freakin’ J-Lo movie for the weekend!
3
Simone
(showing off)
What’s that? You want to hear some J-Lo?!!
(to the ceiling)
Disco, play “Jenny from the Block” by Jennifer Lopez.
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It plays, surround sound.
d.
Devon
Wha..... how did you do that?!
Simonee
Voice-activated itunes. It’s in the ceiling.
ng. ((to
to ceiling) Disco, stop!
Devon
evon
JESUS CHRIST, who are these
ese peop
people, Bi
Bill Gates?
SSimone
No, they’re Peter & Michaela Ke
Kell. But Bill’s stayed heree a few times.
K
times
(fluffing ppillows)
Peter’s the CEO
O off the
th Adv
Advertising Company that did the
he Budw
Budweiser Frog commercials.
s. You
know, “Bud..
... Weis... Er”?
E ” His father’s the founder
der of th
the company--o
wait till you see
ee his
house.
Devon
onn
His Dad lives here too?
Simone
They
he all summer here. They
eyy Kells are
a ssort of an Edgartown institution.
stitution.
itution.
Devon
Oh I see. So this guy’s got monie
monies.
moni
Simone
What do you mean?
Devonn
Monies. Money plural. The rich people
ple in movies are always talking about their monies; gotta
move their monies; gotta check on their
eir monies.
moni D
Does he go down to the Caymans?
Simone
imon
No, he doesn’t launder money, Devon. He’s hardworking and legit; that’s why he’s this
successful at 43.
Devon
This pimp’s only 43?!
5/13/13 elemeno pea
4
Simone
Yep. And Michaela’s young, too.
Devon
Hooker.
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Simone
Devon.
Devon
Sorry. It just came out. Whore. See? Sorry. I just-- it’s lilike rich-people Tourettes.
Simone
mone
Well, I hate to disappoint you, but the
they are
re sup
super
up nice people. Especially
ally Micha
M
Michaela.
Devon
D
Oh yeah? What’s she do?
R
Simone
(nothing)
(nothin
Well, she has a Yale Law D
Degree, but she spends mos
most off her ti
time doing volunteer work
rk and
charity--
O
Bitch,
tch,
ch, Ho.
Devon
W
Simone
mone
Oka that’s enough of that subject.
Okay,
ubject. The p
point is: she’s been really
lyy good to me this year.
(having
ing
ng ended the
th co
conversation; heading to the bar)
r)
So what can I get you to
o drink? We have fresh squeezed juices,
ices,
es, lemonad
lemonade, iced tea?
Devon
Look at you, all, “What
What can I get you to drink?”
Simone
What.
Devon
on
Like it’s your bar.
Simone
Simon
mon
It is my bar.
Devon
Yeah but not really. You know what I mean.
Simone
No, I don’t know what you mean. What do you mean, Devon?
5/13/13 elemeno pea
5
Devon
I mean: you’re the help. It’s not really your bar because you’re the help, right?
Simone
“The help”? I think the Flux Capacitor sent you to the wrong year, Dev.
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Devon
“Assistant” then. Potato, potatoe. It’s all a fancy wayy of saying
their bitch.
aying you’re
y
you
Simone
I am not the Kells’ “bitch,” Devon. I’m like family here. I can touch, drink, eat, drive, play,
wear, borrow, take anything I want to.
Dev
Devon
Really?
Simone
Sim
Yes.
Devon
R
Why?
Simone
O
What do you mean
me “why”?
Devon
W
I mean “w
“why.”
Simone
Simo
Simon
Because that’s how this thing goes.
goe T
They’re called perks & bennies.
ennies.
Devon
All of this shit is free.
ree.
Simone
Yes.
Devon
on
Full access pass.
Simone
Simon
mon
Yes.
Devon
Completely free of cost.
Simone
Yes.
5/13/13 elemeno pea
6
Devon
Price tag zero point zero/zero dollars-Simone
Yes, Devon. Perks & bennies.
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Beat.
Devon
Well! ....In that case, you can go fuck your iced tea! (Pointing)
(Pointing
Pointi I will have two fingers of that
Lap-hog 30 from the high shelf!
Simone
mone
See? It’s that easy. That is how it’s done.
don
Du g the following, Simone fixes Devon her
During
D
he drink and something more
fus (with garnish) for herself.
fussy
Simone
So finish your story
oryy from
om before
bef
befor
about Aunt Terry-- she
he came
c
to th
the party or no?
O
R
Devon
Well, shee said she was
wasn’t going to come but then
hen she
he made
mad a guest appearance.
W
Oh no
no..
Simone
one
Devon
Yes and I have some updates
Yes,
ates forr you re
regarding her gland problems:
blem she’s
blems:
she’ been experiencing
constipation, weight gain,
in,
n, depression
depress
depression, hair loss, and bloating.
ng.
Simone
God. Who talks about
out their
th gl
glands at a party?!
Devon
And then, instead of singing me Happy Birthday,
irthday, the
t T
Terr-ster announces to everyone that
since we have so much in common-- both
husband-less, child-less freaks-- I’m probably
h being
b
husb
gonna inherit her constipation, weight
depression, and hair loss.
ht gain, depre
depr
Simo
Simone
But not the bloating?
Devon
Oh yes, extra bloating, thank you.
Simone
So in other words, it was the best bday ever.
5/13/13 elemeno pea
7
Devon
Yes, between that and Dom getting laid-off an hour before the party, it was a real rager.
Simone
(shaking her drink in a shaker)
Dom got laid-off?
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Devon
....Yeah. I told you this.
Simone
No, I thought you said it was Jeff.
Dev
Devon
Yeah. Dom and Jeff got laid off wi
within a week
wee of each other. We officially
icially have ze
zero first
cousins with employment.
SSimone
God, that sucks. Are they really d
depressed?
R
Devon
No, Simone,
e,, they’re elate
elated. They went to Sandals
als
ls JJamaic
Jamaica to celebrate.
W
O
Simone
Well,
ell they
ell,
th still
til should’ve sang you Happy
ppy
py Birthday
Birthda is all I’m saying. Speaking
king of...
of...(Han
of...(Handing
(Han
her
a glass, formally starting to toast) I’d likee to propose a-Devon
N-nN-n-n-no,
we’re drinking to you
you, Simone! To you hitting the jackpot!
kpot!
ot To you
yo getting your ride
pimped, Son! I don’t care
ree how bad
b th
the uniform is, you’ve got
ot the mother
motherflocking BEST GIG
OF ALL TIME OUT
T HERE,
HERE bab
babe. Cheers!
Devon throws backk thee scotch.
h. It
I burns her throat and she coughs.
Simone
It’s not a uniform.
Devon
on
(scotch) Ooo fuck me (cough cough) That’s
hat’s the stu
stuff!--Simone
Simon
mon
I said it’s not a uniform.
Devon
(cough cough)....Hm?
Simone
This is not a uniform. This is a $268 cotton jacquard betsey-clare dress from Lilly Pulitzer.
5/13/13 elemeno pea
8
Beat.
Devon
.......................you’re wearing that dress voluntarily?
Simone
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Yes.
Devon
You want to have that on your body?
Simonee
Yes, Devon. And I have six others from
m her summer
sum
summe
collection.
Devon
evon
..........Were they all on sale for
or one
ne h
hundred
dr percent off?
Beat. Glare.
B
R
Devon
No! Totally! I’m
’m
m just kiddi
kidding-- it’s a really Perky dres
dress. Plus, it
it’s a good investment...
(trying to make a joke)
(try
Because now
ow you can match all the dudes out
utt here in the
their pink pants.
W
O
Simone
one
See? I knew you were gonna be like this! They ar
aren’t pink pants, Devon,, they’re salm
salmon!
Devon
Tho
Those pants be pink.
Simone
They’re not pink! Nantucket Re
Reds happen to be enriched-R
hed-Devon
They have a name?
Simone
onee
--yes! And they happen to be enriched
ed with nauti
nautical and historical significance and are
considered dockside sexy!
Devon
von
Wait hold up, hold up, hold up here a second. Just hold the flipping phone.
(dramatic beat)
............Does your new boyfriend wear pink pants?
Simone
No.
5/13/13 elemeno pea
9
Devon
Oh my god, he does? Ethan rocks the pinkies?
Simone
No.
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Devon
Simone! How can you be serious about someone who
those puppies?! He’d look less
ho wearss tho
th
ridiculous in ass-less leather chaps and bunny ears-rs---
Simone
Well I am serious about him, Devon-- really
ally
lly serious
serio
serious---- an
aand if you don’t stop it I will not introduce
you tonight, *do you hear me?!*
Beat.
eat.
Devon
De
Dev
Jeez, I’m just kidding. When’d
en’d you llose your sense of humor?
or?
r?
(not forgiven)
forgiven
Ok fine, we’ll do a do-over toa
to
toast, okay? To my Old Ass.
s. What do
d you say?--
R
Simone
I say you need to get a damn color wheel out and
an study the difference between pink and
nd salmon-almon--
W
O
Devon
on
Okay, Simone,
Simon fine: I was really really
ly wrong abou
about
bou the pants, ok? Saying they were pi
p
pink was
cruel and
an unfair of me, and I’m sorry.
or I think I’m just jealous of them because
ecau they
ecause
th get to live
the
here on paradise island, while I live in Mom
Mo
Mom’s basement, where my bed
be is two beanbag chairs
and
d my glandular problems are
ar impending,
impendi
okay? Okay? Now (toasting)
toasting)
sting) woul
would you freakin
wo
cheers me already? Because
use your life is perfect and I’m honestly
nestly
stly happy fo
ffor you.
Simone
Fine, cheers. But you
ou better
be
b
be nice to Ethan, I mean
a it.
an
it He’s
e’s th
the real deal.
Devon
I see that. And I will be, I promise.
Beat.t. They clink
clin
clink, drink.
Simone
You’re not actually sleeping on a bean
an bag
ba chair, are you?
Devon
No, I am. That is a true story.
Simone
Why aren’t you staying up in the computer room on the futon?
5/13/13 elemeno pea
10
Devon
You mean Mom’s “scrapbooking room”?
Simone
Oh my God, Dev, you gotta get out of there.
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Devon
No, I seriously do. Last weekend I played the Wii forr 36 hours
straight and when Mom
urs str
finally came down and said I had to come eat dinner,
said,“can’t you just bring me down a
ner,
er, I said,“c
sa
tray like they do in prison?”
Simonee
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to come visit. I’m stil
still
til so bummed I couldn’tt m
make your party.
Devon
evon
Hey, you gotta work, you gotta
ta work.
work I am
m very understanding about
out that.
hat
(beat)
at))
Except when it comes to Christmas.
hristmas. That
T
was bullshit that you
ou had
h too wor
work. Mom drank too
much boxed wine and
d like caressed
caresse your empty chair all night.
night Total sh
sshit show.
R
Simone
Well, the Kells
ells paid me ddouble-overtime; what elsee was
w I su
suppose
o to do?
W
O
Devon
No,, believe
e
m I know. You can’t say no to that kin
me:
kinda cash. But for the record,
cord, if they try to
make you work
wo Christmas this year,, I’m gonna call
c the better business bureau / and
an then
face punch
pun
punch--
Simone
Simon
Would you calm down? I’ll get it off.
f And besides... I’ve been
n thinking: w
wouldn’t it be really
fun if I flew you, Markk & Mom to New
N York for xmas? Ethan’s
than’s
han’s in the
th city that time of year,
and you could meet
ett Michaela! T
The Kells have an entire
re guest floor we could use. Rockefeller
Center, Christmas Spectacul
Spectacular!
Devon
Yeah but Mom does the meatballs.
Simone
imone
on
Ooooo, right. Because it would be so much mo
more fun to cram around Mom’s card table with
our depressed cousins? It’s a fourr story townho
townhouse on Central Park, Dev. They shot one of the
scenes from Gossip Girl in their foyer.
er.
Devon
Yeah / but it’s not--
Simone
And it’s not like Mom can’t make her meatballs on Michaela’s stainless steel range top; it has
radiant heat-- OH! Hey look!
5/13/13 elemeno pea
11
(pointing out the window)
It’s (pronounced Hose-Bee) Jos-B! You gotta meet him, he’s the best.
Devon
What’s his name?
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Simone
Jose, but the Kells already have a Jose-- their long-time landscap
landscaper-- so he’s Jos-B.
land
(opening the door, shouting)
JOS-B, COME HERE FOR A SEC!
(to Devon)
He’s the caretaker, lives here year-round. Such
ch a sweetie.
Jos-B
s B comes
s-B
omes up to the glass and enters, grumpily.
pily Loathes to speak.
pily.
Simone
mon
mone
Hey Jos-B!
JJos-B
(I hate you)
What do you need?
d??
O
R
Simone
Hey! I wanted
anted
nted to intro
introduce you to my sister! This
Th is Devo
Devon, here from Buffalo forr the
he
weekend.
nd. Devon,
Devon th
this is Jos-B, caretaker extraordinaire.
xtraordinaire
aordinaire Michaela calls him her
er life blood
blood.
ood.
W
Devon
Hi, how’s
how it
i going? Nice to meet yo
you.
Jos-B
(fuck
fuck you)
Yeah.
Beat.
Simone
(friendly)
What are you up to out there, Jos-B? Were
ere
re you doing
doin a little rakin’?
Jos-B
Yep-- rakin’ the beach for you girls.
rls.
Simone
Oh! That was really sweet of you. You didn’t have to do that.
Jos-B
Yes, I did. The bitch say I have to rake beach for you girls.
5/13/13 elemeno pea
12
Simone
(laughing like he made a joke, to Devon)
Ha ha, Jos-B has a bit of a love-hate relationship with the Kells. That’s what happens when
you work for them so long, right Jos-B? How long’s it been,
n, eeleven years?
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Jos-B
Ten years, five months, fourteen days. Guess what
say I do this year.
at stupid jackass
jack
Simone
(to Devon)
Ha ha, he’s joking with the name calling-ng-- every
eve ye
year Peter leaves Jos-B a list
is of stuff to do in
the off season-- and it’s become a light-hearted
ght-hearted jjoke.
JJos-B
Jo
B
Dickhead say I need to get “white
white fung
fun
fungus” off the dock, and there
ere is no fungus
fu
on my dock, so I ask
him what he mean and he say barnacles.
barna
And I say barnacles
less is no fungus,
fung barnacles is white
shit that grow natural
all underwater
underwate
underwater. And he say barnacles is look like fungus-fu
and is ruin his
view from Main House.
ouse. So no
n
now, instead of relaxing, instead
nstead
te off din
d
ding dong the witch is dead,
ad, I
spend off season
n get imagina
imagin
imaginary fungus off dock. I’m
m gonna
go na text h
him SUCK MY BIG BALLS.
ALLS.
O
R
Simone
Well, great-- I just
ju wanted to introduce you
u to Devon, b
but we won’t keep you.
W
Devon
Um, did
di yyou say the “Main House”?
e Sorry-- what’s
e”?
w
a “Main House”?
Simone
Simon
Oh my God. I’m the worst
orst
rst hostess
hoste ever!
ev
(pointing out the window)
Okay, well see out there,
where Peter and
there across the lawn...that’s the Main
ain House.
Hous That’s
T
Michaela stay when
en they’re
they h
here.
Devon
I thought that was the neighbor’s house. Orr a museum
mu
museum.
Simone
imone
on
I know right?! And see (pointing in a different direc
direction) that carriage house? Guess whose house
di
that is?
Devon
The Obamas’?
Simone
No silly, it’s mine!
5/13/13 elemeno pea
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