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Navigating the Afternoon of Life
R
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Navigating the Afternoon of Life
Nalin Singh
Notion Press
Old No. 38, New No. 6
McNichols Road, Chetpet
Chennai - 600 031
First Published by Notion Press 2015
Copyright © Nalin Singh 2015
All Rights Reserved.
ISBN: 978-93-52061-85-3
This book has been published in good faith that the work of the author is original.
All efforts have been taken to make the material error-free. However, the author
and the publisher disclaim the responsibility.
No part of this book may be used, reproduced in any manner whatsoever without
written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied
in critical articles and reviews.
A uthor ’ s N ote
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
- George Eliot
One can write a book based on research, an idea, imagination, experience or
conviction. Regardless of the inspiration and path chosen, it is impossible to
accomplish this task without the help of many selfless fellow travelers of life. It
is foolish on my part and belittling of their contribution to try and thank all the
people who have made this book possible; however, many deserve mention of
the gratitude that I genuinely feel and a debt that can never be repaid.
The framework of one’s life is laid out by our parents and I have been
privileged to have parents who provided me an environment to explore my inner
boundaries and put me through an education that was way better than the station
of their life could afford. The countless uncertain times, shifting, travel and
exposure to various cultures has no doubt been the bedrock on which my outlook
of life is built. It is the ingrained value system imparted through the environment
my parents created that enabled me to tide through the curve balls thrown by life.
Selecting a life partner is a fascinating social process. I have always wondered
why arranged marriages are derided and self-initiated coupling glorified, when
statistics on divorce proves otherwise. I have also watched bemused as young
people take advice from their parents on their choice of education, company
to work with, television to buy, house to rent or buy, but not on who to marry!
For reasons I have never understood, in a moment of rare youthful clarity and
wisdom I sought my parent’s inputs on a potential life partner and was rewarded
with a partner who stood beside me in good times as well as the trauma of my
own midlife implosion. In the process discovering a parallel support system in my
in-laws who tried their best to make sense of what was happening and provide
succor and hope. You showed me the best and worst of myself from an alternate
dimension view for which I am grateful and a better person.
There are numerous others relatives who through their abandonment in my
time of financial and emotional devastation taught me valuable lessons on the
fickleness of relationships that you are born into. For those who stayed - I thank
you for your unstinting faith and hope you will see that come through in the
vi Author’s Note
book. From all of you I have built the strength to be of similar support to others,
should the occasion arise.
Friendship is the only relationship you are not borne or married into. Your
circles of friends are often a reflection of the person you are. I have been blessed
for having a close set of friends who backed my midlife dreams with financial
investment, guidance and support and in their disappointment and breaking of
ties, I learnt why some relationships should be preserved from the vagaries of the
material world. Inexplicably, and to my everlasting wonder, some friends continue
to remain, even if at an apprehensive arm’s length and sanitized distance; from
you I have learnt the value of what I have lost in the departure of other friends.
A loss that will never be fulfilled but the experience can be drawn upon to guide
others.
To my bosses who stoically tolerated my misplaced intelligence and bursts
of energy, thank you for the lessons in humility by dropping me a peg or two
from my egoistical self-appropriated intellectual perch and for the numerous
opportunities provided to work as a global executive. To my colleagues who wore
the brunt of my fickleness and whacky sense of humor, I have learnt many a
valuable lesson from each one of you that I have not had the courage to admit. It
is my travels and observation of different cultures and families that have fulfilled
me in more ways than are obvious.
Every single relationship and every contact with a person has an impact
on you in ways you realize only many years later. Saying ‘thank you’ feels like
returning a gift and life lesson. The only way to truly repay is to succeed and reach
the pinnacle of the promise that they saw in you. I may never be the person you
expected me to be, but hopefully you will remember the person you once wanted
to walk the path of life together with.
I do not wish to grow into an old embittered, bewildered and angry person,
seeking revenge for the rest of my life for all the perceived wrongs done or
pondering on how life cheated me. The thin walls holding my sanity deserve
better. Neither did I want to cower in a corner, fearful of the repercussions
that my own actions could result in. I wish to live, aspire, fulfill and complete
my life journey in the known world with dignity, respect, accomplishment and
contentment, in the process rediscovering myself and hopefully being a support
to others, as many have been to me.
I can only thank those people who:
™™ Loved me, you made me believe in myself
™™ Cared, you made me feel worthwhile
Author’s Note vii
™™ Shared their wisdom, you inspired me to learn
™™ Laughed, you made my world fun
™™ Listened, you made me feel loved
™™ Challenged me, you made me play a bigger game
™™ Said ‘no’ – you made me more determined.
™™ Disliked me, you made me stronger
Thank you!
Writing this book was an emotional and sentimental journey as I relived past
experiences and emotions and attempted to look at them from the eyes of others.
I have consciously avoided taking examples and solutions to cope from religion.
Every religion is filled with words of wisdom but in today’s ‘Kalyug’, quoting
from scriptures is considered impractical, sermonizing and is generally looked
upon with cynicism. My aim was to provide a practical guide to a normal person
leading a simple life with common desires and aspirations. The attempt is to help
individuals identify potential triggers, symptoms and suggest possible methods
to cope. It is with this thought that I have included real life examples of people
I have shared the journey of life with, along with the well-publicized ones of
public figures.
Writers are notorious for marshaling great zeal for the portrayal of the
suffering populace: it is only a form of narcissism: the writer enamored of their
sensitive self faithfully recording the pain of others. I am probably guilty of this
too, but I plead equal fascination for folly, guile, greed and hypocrisy. Hence the
personal stories.
It is my fervent wish that this under-researched phenomenon of midlife
anguish, that is often brushed aside as immaturity or a mental weakness or a slip of
character, or a simple life transition issue, gets the attention it deserves. In keeping
with the theme of looking at the issue from a common person’s viewpoint, I have
avoided going into technical detail or quoting elaborate research. This is also the
reason why well-known celebrity examples find place side by side with real life
true examples that I have experienced personally or through those around me.
It is a life transitional problem coupled with extreme mental turmoil that affects
many, and some so severely that they do not survive it. I have taken a personal
experiential approach with observation of many individuals around me and
attempted to explain things in as simple and clear a manner as the subject allows.
In hindsight everything in life seems simpler and easier; just like everyone
around you appears smarter and wiser, when ‘you’ are making mistakes. Thankfully
viii Author’s Note
everything has a ‘best by’ date including the midlife crisis. So there comes a point
when things get clearer and paths start to open up. One thing I have realized
is that I could have shortened the cycle of turbulence if I had been open to
listening to other people, especially those who disagreed with me. Alternatively,
if someone could have articulated the phenomenon and made me wrap my mind
around what was happening; not that I would have listened, I was beyond it. My
intellectual arrogance kept people at bay from providing opinions as I always
seemed to know what to do; sadly in this phase you do more wrong than right
and knowing what to do intellectually is a world apart from being able to doing it
right in the real world.
I hope this book can help individuals understand that this could happen to
them; they are not unique if midlife crisis does overcome them. There are ways
to cope, there are ways to shorten the cycle and there are definite ways to reduce
collateral damage to family and friends. There are many stories of people who
have overcome grave midlife crisis to achieve greater glory in the second half of
their lives versus the first. It is however equally true that a much larger proportion
of affected individuals either imploded, destroyed their lives, got permanently
scarred, limped through the remainder of their lives in a lonely and bitter manner,
killed themselves or simply faded away.
As you read through this book you will realize that the many contradictions
and repetitions are a function of the fact that the primary issue is often about
confusion and mental turbulence, as well as the inner turmoil a writer goes
through. Often we forget that the writers themselves are on a journey and in
search of answers, just a little further ahead than the reader. Just like when we
meet each other, we see the person at that point of time but don’t know the
journey they have gone through to get there, or the inner battles they are fighting
even at that moment.
The subject is too vast and too individualized in its impact for one book
to provide answers. This book is about understanding the components of the
journey with ideas on ways to cope. The book should also be a good guide to
individuals who need to help their friends, family members or life partner through
this phase. Often the impact and collateral damage is most telling on the people
around you, especially the children. Many walk away to protect themselves but
some stay on to support and be pillars for the second half of your life and some
like your children and parents simply don’t have a choice but to suffer through it
without fully grasping what is transpiring.
You owe it to these people to come out of this phase fighting, rediscovering
yourself and becoming a better person But above all, do it for yourself. What
Author’s Note ix
your journey will look like, looks like or has looked like, only you will know; but
I do hope this book provides succor to those who are in the throes of anguish,
provides strength to those who fear this coming phase and provides renewed
energy to those rebuilding on a life of shattered illusions!
There is many a hurdle between what you are and what you believe you
should be, I hope this book helps you and those around you to navigate their
‘Afternoon of Life’ in a safe, sane and spectacular manner. Good luck and god
speed!
C ontents
PART I
QUEST3
MANIC LIVES
7
CONUNDRUM14
The Middle
Stereotype18
Is it Real?
19
Midlife Crisis is NO Joke!
21
So what exactly is a Midlife Crisis?
23
Common Lament
24
Those that Inspire?
26
Those that repeatedly beg the question - WHY?
34
Those that we watch with trepidation…
42
It isn’t always the 40’s
48
Incredibly Smart and Ridiculously Stupid
50
DEFINITION AND POPULAR CULTURE
53
Definition
53
55
What is This Thing Called Midlife Crisis?
In popular culture
17
56
THE TWO FATALISTIC PHASES OF YOUR PRODUCTIVE LIFE 63
Different Points of View on the Phenomenon
65
A HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE AND CONTRARIAN VIEW
68
ALTERNATE VIEW OF MIDLIFE CRISIS
74
xii Contents
Midlife Stressors
75
Special vulnerabilities
75
Early choices
76
Cognitive abilities
76
Midlife Crisis - not the same as Midlife Transition
78
AN ABSTRACT VIEW - FACT OR FICTION
83
STATISTICS & IMPACT
89
Recent Research
90
Puberty blues
92
Stuck in the middle
92
Midlife Crisis in Apes
94
Strike While the Iron is Hot
95
New Research
96
What is Middle Age, Anyway? 97
The Myth of Midlife Crisis 98
Maintaining Control 99
TRIGGERS:EMOTIONAL TSUNAMI
102
Physiological Factors
105
Body
106
Fashion
107
Social
107
Primal Urge
107
Menopause/Andropause
108
Andropause111
Personal health 114
Addictions 115
Psychological factors
119
Significant Loss
119
Near-Death Experience
121
Caring for The Ill
123
Contents xiii
Success124
Separation and Divorce
124
Empty Nest Syndrome
133
Teenagers
136
Loss of a friendship
139
Meeting an old love
139
College Reunions and Family Get-Togethers
141
Popular Culture
141
Professional triggers
142
Job Loss
142
Work Stress
144
Career Stagnation
145
Debt147
Luck147
SYMPTOMS149
Sixth Sense
149
Asking Around
149
A Fun Test
151
TELLTALE GIVEAWAYS
154
Restless
154
Past Perfect
155
Impulsive Thrills
155
Thinker
156
Bored and discontented
156
Dreaming Romantic
157
Raunchy
157
Rage Express
158
Depressed and Withdrawn
159
Relapsed Addict
159
The Entrepreneur Unleashed
160
Fashionably Ambitious
160
xiv Contents
Limping Bull
Confused
Remorseful
Perceived Failure
Rediscovered Youth
Gambler
Revenge
Lack of interest in spouse/family Change in social patterns
Paranoid parent
An expert view
Signs You’re Getting Old
161
161
162
162
163
163
164
164
165
165
165
170
PART II
COPING: SHATTERED ILLUSION
177
177
Time of Self Realization
WISDOM & CONSCIOUSNESS
Coping with the Afternoon of Life
181
181
Anger181
Self-Destruction182
Compassion & the Past
182
Religion182
Fresh Burst of Energy
183
Fitness and Health
183
Withdrawn
183
Education184
Adoption184
Creativity184
Meditation & Soul Searching
185
Pets
185
Entrepreneurship
185
Charity
186
Contents xv
PROBABLE CERTAINTY
Identifying the High Risk Group
WHISPERING SOUL
187
187
192
Avoiding the trap and discovering the path to overcome
192
Reality check
192
Finances
193
Family
194
Emotionally
194
Learning
213
Values
213
Personality214
Aspirations214
Fears
214
Skills
215
Energy and Physical State
215
Enthusiasm and Drive
216
ACTIONABLE STEPS
217
Self-Awareness217
Dealing with Irritation, Frustration and Anger
Relaxation222
Nectar from the Soul
228
Power of Dreams
232
Fitness, well-being and looks
233
Support Group
234
Seek Out Equilibrium
236
Therapy
239
Life Coach vs. Mentor
240
Get a Hobby
241
Get Scared
242
Let Go
242
219
xvi Contents
PART III
MANAGING SPECIFIC LIFE STRESSORS
249
249
Stress
CAREER STAGNATION
251
DEALING WITH THE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
259
GRIEF263
Common symptoms of grief DEALING WITH JOB LOSS
265
272
MENOPAUSE281
FRIEND, PARTNER, SPOUSE
298
STRATEGIES FOR NAVIGATING MIDLIFE TOGETHER
304
ENTREPRENEURSHIP306
Closing Thoughts
327
Part I
If you ride the donkey of ignorance, you will only
discover fields of stupidity.
Q uest
“When the solution is simple, God is answering.”
- Albert Einstein
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
- Lao Tzu
Are you seeking solace or a solution? It is this decision that will decide whether you
should read on or find your fix in some other manner. If it is solace that you
seek, then you will find it more readily in religion, god, philosophy, the arms of a
lover, friends or family. If you seek solutions then you need to wade through the
complex issues, truly understand yourself and work through actionable steps one
at a time. This is a more difficult path and devoid of the faith-based balm and
mass psychiatry that religion provides to complex questions. This book is about
solutions and hence the conscious attempt to stay away from solace-seeking
interpretations.
1960 Rome Olympics: a rare sight in Olympic athletic history as an Indian is
tipped as one of the favorites to win the 400 meters race. Milkha Singh was on
a career high, having won the gold at the Commonwealth Games in the same
event and becoming the first Indian to do so. Leading the race at little over the
halfway mark, he made the fatal error of looking back to see where his competitors
were. This stutter cost him and independent India its first Athletics medal at the
Olympics as he ended up fourth in a photo finish. A story that almost repeated
itself frame by frame in the 1984 Olympics when PT Usha similarly lost a medal
by 1/100th of a second in the 400 meters women’s hurdles.
Their lives were never to be the same again. Both consider it the worst
moments in an otherwise brilliant career and both never recovered from the loss
career wise. Both spent years in emotional turmoil as they relived the moment
and thought about what may have been…
Do we also fail to fulfill our initial talent and promise because of a similar
temporary lack of focus? We go through years of education, egged on by our
parents or our ambitions, to achieve beyond our station of life. We go through
initial success, build a well-crafted professional and personal life to reach a point
4 Reboot to Reconquer
where it seems we have made it. Looks like a good time to pause and take stock,
maybe get protective of our possessions and look over the horizon.
This period often coincides with other life transitions that occur in most lives
at about the same time. These could range from simple physiological signs of
ageing, to the death of near and dear ones (parents in most cases), to the first signs
of health issues of your own, dealing with difficult emotionally shut teenagers,
stagnant/redundant careers, children leaving home for studies, etc. This is around
the time that we more or less have achieved our initial financial goals and when
we look back or far into the future, many of the emotional trophies we have
kept buried deep in our subconscious, surface as demons, further aggravating
our mental state that may already be vulnerable due to one or multiple normal
life events.
All through our initial lives we are coached to control our emotions but no
one actually teaches us how. Regular education does not, parents and family do
not, at work you are expected to be in control all the time anyway. So when this
phase hits you, there is no way for you to know how to cope. Even a visit to the
doctor seems strange; you may go through 30-odd tests to check your physical
state but none for your mental state. How do you describe that you are physically
OK but yet feel something is horribly wrong with you?
Each of these events, though not unexpected, trigger a powerful range of
emotions that force us to look at our lives and wonder whether we have achieved
enough: is this all there is to life, are we loved or respected for our achievements,
have we missed living our lives, was financial success worth it, did we make the
right life choices, is there time left to do all the things we have been putting off ?
Our normal professional working lives do not have as well-defined a moment
and definitely not as early as those of young achievers and sportspersons. Neither
are our life pivot points as spectacular, public or singular. We tend to slide into this
situation of uncertainty and in this mentally frail state with a desire for change in our
current life that we feel trapped in, we start making decisions that have the opposite
effect -pushing us further and further away from who we think we want to be.
Most of us live in an illusionary world about the causes of our failures and are
delusional about our abilities and our seeming birthright that successes embrace
us. In part, this is fuelled by what gets reported and written about spectacularly
successful lives or pathetically failed ones. Like all statistical samples, these are the
outliers of the data and constitute less than 5% of the population. The majority of
people lie in the middle, leading simple, ordinary lives with dreams of remaining
healthy, having a family, being financially independent and retiring wealthy. We get
waylaid by books and statistics on the outlier data set, as it is neither fashionable
Nalin Singh 5
or nearly as sensational and exciting to write about ordinary people. This book is
about the larger ignored data set, simple people with ordinary lives.
Do the right experiences impart us with wisdom or does wisdom ensure
the right experiences? Agonizing personal experiences and observing friends
and family go through similar torturous and distressing experiences with varying
degrees of severity forced me onto the path of seeking solutions. I have watched
perfectly normal and often spectacularly successful lives resemble train wrecks
in a blink. Over the years I have been a spectator and participant as individuals:
™™ who were incredibly intelligent indulged in the most self-destructing
stupid behavior in their mid-life or mid-career
™™ have experienced financial ruin, been hounded by creditors, moved from
courtroom to courtroom fighting off prison, often from friends
™™ chased away almost every single friend made over a lifetime in their
mid-age through a combination of their actions and circumstances and
compounded by their mental turmoil
™™ were ostracized by their family as an embarrassment and cause of shame
™™ were looked upon as lunatics by people around them
™™ ruined a lifetime of relationships, including with their life partner, parents
and children
™™ spun out of control with addictions and in the pursuit of carnal pleasure
™™ journeyed from being a young achiever with promises of glory and fame
to being branded a fraud and impostor
™™ humiliated and embarrassed everyone who came in touch with them
™™ in extreme cases either landed themselves in a mental institution or
committed suicide.
I have seen it all. I have watched as individuals tried various ways to cope: from
hiding, going through depression, anger, pity, trying meditation, experimenting
with religion, consulting psychiatrists, talking to themselves, abusing alcohol,
going on guilt trips and feeling remorse, taking a sabbatical from normal living,
considering suicide, escaping to unknown places, experimenting with lust, seeking
godmen and gurus…they have tried it all.
During my own midlife period of anguish, my emotions were on a
rollercoaster, often going from the depths to despair to unfathomable euphoria,
often in the same day. People claimed to understand me when I did not understand
myself. I was being questioned and answers were being sought from me, while
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Navigating the Afternoon of Life