Top Ten Signs Your Partner is Avoidant
Posted on March 2, 2011 by Alee
Avoidant is one of the three main relationship attachment styles. Avoidants are people who wish to keep their
distance and minimize closeness in romantic relationships. They are the least happy in relationships, and tend to
blame their unhappiness on their partners.
Avoidants tend not to date other avoidants. Two people with this attachment style lack the “togetherness” that a
relationship requires. In addition, avoidants end relationships more quickly. So you are likely to have dated an
avoidant in the past or may be now involved with one. If you aren’t sure or need confirmation that you are dealing
with a person who has an avoidant attachment style, here are the top ten signs your partner is avoidant (in
increasing order of importance):
10. Stresses boundaries
To make sure that their space is not being invaded, avoidants create strict boundaries between themselves and
their partners. These boundaries may be physical or emotional — sleeping in a separate room or home or keeping
insignificant (or important) information from their partner.
9. Uncomfortable sharing deep feelings
Avoidants don’t like to share their deepest feelings with their partners; withholding feelings allows them to keep
their emotional distance and remain self-reliant. Sharing would bring them closer to their partner — exactly what
they want to avoid.
Don’t confuse this sign with the anxious partner’s apprehension. It’s integral to understand why the person is
withholding feelings. The anxious person keeps feelings because they fear their partner will not feel the same way
as them, or their partner will feel stifled and distance themselves. For the avoidant it’s done to keep distance via an
emotional boundary.
8. Prefers casual sex
Some avoidants use casual sex as a way to avoid intimacy. They prefer casual sex to sex with an intimate partner
because their physical needs are fulfilled but they don’t have to worry about caring for their partner’s feelings
afterward or during. They can also avoid the greater intimacy that results from physical contact.
7. Disregards your feelings
Avoidants believe people are solely responsible for their own well-being and happiness. In relationships they tend
to treat their romantic partner like a business partner — they ignore their feelings and respond only to the facts.
When confronted they make their partner out to be “sensitive”, “overreacting”, or “needy”.
6. Misses you when apart, but when together wants to escape
Avoidants still have the basic need for love and attachment. So avoidants will miss their partner when they are not
around. But if their partner returns, so does the avoidant’s feelings of being “trapped”, and they feel like they need
more space once again.
5. Pulls away when intimacy nears
At the beginning of dating an avoidant you may think everything is going well. They are attentive, loving, and
supportive. But as time goes on they find reasons to pull away. They may say things like “the timing is not right” or
comment that things aren’t what they thought they would be.
4. Idealizes a past relationship or partner, or dreams of “the one”
Don’t be confused – dreaming of the ideal partner or dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t mean the avoidant
wants true love and intimacy; it is an avoidant mechanism. By idealizing a past relationship, the avoidant safely
assures they don’t have to deal their current relationship. They convince themselves they missed out on love with
some “perfect” ex or that their current partner is not right for them. This way true love and intimacy are always
just out of reach.
Again, don’t misinterpret this sign to indicate an anxious attachment style. Anxious people idealize a past partner
or long for the one when not in a relationship. When they are in a relationship, anxious people are more focused on
the current. They will most likely idealize their current partner and they would not overlook their current partner
for an ideal.
3. Sends mixed signals
Avoidants tend to be on and off about their relationship. One day they are planning to move in with their partner
and the next day they act as if they just met them. They will appear sensitive yet distant at the same time. Partners
are not sure what to think of them. And when their partner finally decides, the avoidant changes again.
2. Values independence and looks down on “neediness”
If your partner cherishes independence above all, it is a clear sign that they are avoidant. Avoidants believe they
are strong and independent, and that they can ultimately only count on themselves. They look down on those that
recognize their need for others.
Secures also value independence but not to the same degree. Secure partners realize the importance of both
independence and partnership. Avoidants only acknowledge the need for independence.
1. Fear of commitment/Fear of being “trapped”
The number one sign that your partner is avoidant is if they fear being trapped into a long-term commitment or
marriage. Avoidants are constantly on the look-out for any impingement on their space and anyone wanting to
create more intimacy. Remember, this is a constant mode of thinking with the avoidant, not a one-time concern.
Have you ever been involved with an avoidant? Does your current partner have an avoidant attachment style?
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
Posted on February 9, 2011 by Alee
Why are people who long for closeness in relationships attracted to their complete opposites: people who prefer
their independence and distance? And why are the resulting relationships unsatisfying and prone to failure?
Attachment science defines a person with a strong desire for intimacy and preoccupation with their relationships
as anxious. Anxious people are sensitive to perceived threats to the intimacy of their relationships. On the opposite
end of the spectrum are avoidant people. Avoidants wish to reduce closeness and intimacy in order to maintain
their autonomy. They are less aware of the needs of their partner.
It would seem people with such differing needs would avoid each other, but the opposite happens. Studies have
shown that in a classic case of “opposites attract”, there is a mutual attraction between avoidant and anxious
people. Each has particular reasons for attraction, as outlined in the book Attached:
Why the Avoidant is Attracted to the Anxious:
■ The avoidant has built up an idea of themselves as being more capable and self-sufficient than other
people. They believe that people want to “trap” them and create more intimacy than they are comfortable with.
With an anxious partner their beliefs are confirmed.
■ Due to their defense mechanism of self-sufficiency, the avoidant likes to feel psychologically stronger
than their partner. They can not feel stronger than another avoidant or a secure partner who would not be
bothered by their behavior. They can only feel this way with an anxious partner.
Why the Anxious is Attracted to the Avoidant:
■ The anxious person’s defense mechanism is likewise supported. The anxious person believes that they
want more closeness than their partner is capable of. In addition, they believe they will be let down or hurt by their
partner; this is the inevitable result when they pair with an avoidant.
■ The anxious person tends to idolize avoidant tendencies. Self-sufficiency, independence, less need for
another person — these are the qualities the anxious person wishes they had.
■ The anxious person, being addicted to passion, mistakes the mixed signals sent by the avoidant for sparks
of love. They think the avoidant might be coming around to loving them as they feel they should be, but the
avoidant is just unsure what to do: they want to be in a relationship, yet they want to keep their independence.
Some signs that you are in the anxious-avoidant trap are extreme highs and lows in the relationship, a feeling that
your relationship is uncertain, and if you’re the anxious partner, a feeling that things get worse the closer you
become to your partner.
Relationships between anxious and avoidant people tend to be very unstable. Even if the relationship lasts, it is
stormy and unsatisfying for both partners. The avoidant person has little desire to resolve issues — doing so would
create more intimacy. So the anxious person ends up conceding to the avoidant in the Anxious-Avoidant Tug of
War. Any hope for a better relationship is never realized.
Anxious + Avoidant — Making It Work
Posted on August 19, 2011 by Alee
What do you do when your partner’s relationship needs are the complete opposite of yours? Is there any hope of
having a mutually satisfying relationship?
Relationship attachment science recognizes three main attachment styles which describe a person’s basic
relationships needs and approach to love. Two of these styles, the anxious and the avoidant, are commonly
attracted to each other and form relationships. Unfortunately, a person with anxious attachment essentially
desires to be as close to their partner as possible, while an avoidant has a fundamental need for independence. In
other words, each has an entirely different approach to relationships and requirements which contradict each
other.
When a person with an anxious style forms a relationship with an avoidant they bring out each other’s insecurities.
What initially attracted them –their differences– causes constant discord and unhappiness as the two can rarely
agree on how their relationship should be. This dynamic is known as the anxious-avoidant trap. Usually the
relationship doesn’t last long as one or both sides grow weary of the never-ending disagreements.
However, things don’t always have to end that way. If you’re already in an anxious-avoidant relationship, there are
steps you can take to increase happiness and fulfillment. There are no guarantees, but using some of these simple
techniques can help:
1. Understand your differences
This can not be stated enough. Much of the unhappiness of the anxious-avoidant dynamic occurs because one or
both partners can’t or don’t realize that their relationship needs are very different. Lots of time is spent resenting
or criticizing the other’s approach to the relationship. Time that would be better spent trying to understand the
partner’s unique needs and desires in a relationship.
2. Respect your differences
Don’t attempt to change your partner. This especially applies to you if you’re the anxious partner. Due to the
anxious relationship orientation, an anxious partner is constantly thinking about their relationship and how to
improve it. Which is okay, as long as you’re working on improving your relationship around your partner’s needs,
not against them.
If you’re the avoidant partner, appreciate the strengths your anxious partner brings to the relationship. Try not to
belittle or ignore their need for greater intimacy than you’d normally want.
3. Work towards greater security
Both the anxious and avoidant relationship styles are insecure relationship styles. This doesn’t mean their
relationships are destined for failure, but it does mean they don’t express their relationship needs as well, and tend
not to be comfortable with the state of their relationships at any given time.
Both partners could improve their happiness by simply stating their issues as they arise and communicating their
needs directly and clearly. Even having regular discussions on the progress of your relationship could help.
Nothing is too obvious to state outright or too simple to work on when you’re a part of the anxious-avoidant
dynamic. Assuming your partner should be one way or should know what you need will only cause more confusion
and resentment.
Are you involving in an anxious-avoidant relationship? Do you have experience or any more tips on making the
relationship work?
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