COMMUNITY
"Introduction to Paranormal Theory"
Written by
C. Vito Gesualdi
5906 Monte Vista St, Los Angeles CA, 90042
(857) 294-7262
[email protected]
PREVIOUSLY ON COMMUNITY:
Last season, the Greendale study group was briefly expelled
from school, after sparking riot at Starburns’ wake.
Following this, SENOR CHANG seized control of Greendale,
installing a fake DEAN PELTON and turning the school into a
dictatorship. The Greendale study group managed to infiltrate
the school, overthrowing Chang, and freeing the real Dean
Pelton. In the final montage, we see that BRITTA and TROY are
now in a relationship. Chang was also spotted seen hiding the
ducts at the rival CITY COLLEGE, spying on the evil DEAN
SPRECK.
This proposed episode takes place towards the beginning of
the yet un-produced fifth season, assuming that Dean Spreck
was secretly responsible for last season’s craziness, and
that he continues to search for elaborate schemes that will
destroy the Greendale study group once and for all.
2.
COLD OPEN
EXT. CAMPUS - LATE AFTERNOON
A campus-wide flea market is ending, students breaking down
tables and putting unsold items back into boxes.
DEAN (O.S.)
(Over loudspeaker)
Dean Pelton here, congratulating
you all on the success of this
year’s Greendale Thrift-Tacular!
INT. STUDY ROOM - CONTINUOUS
JEFF, exhausted, enters the study room.
DEAN (O.S.)
(Over loudspeaker)
Proving again that one man’s junk
is another man’s treasure!
JEFF
Does he ever listen to himself
talk?
ANNIE enters, holding an old-fashioned POLAROID CAMERA.
ANNIE
Hey Jeff, look what I got! It takes
pictures. Instantly.
Jeff snaps a picture with his cellphone, showing it to Annie.
JEFF
There. Now we can always remember
the time you bought some old junk.
ANNIE
I don’t know what your problem is,
Jeff. Old stuff is cool.
JEFF
Oh yeah? Explain Pierce.
PIERCE and SHIRLEY enter, led by SHOOBY, a dog. Pierce is
tangled up in Shooby’s leash.
ANNIE
Aww, a puppy!
3.
PIERCE
More like a hellhound. Darn mutt!
Annie pets Shooby, the dog wagging his tail happily.
JEFF
What’s with the dog?
SHIRLEY
My boys found this little angel
wandering the neighborhood. I tried
to take him to a shelter but they
said if he wasn’t claimed after 24
hours he’d be put down. That’s just
not Christian.
ANNIE
He’s a sweetheart. What’s his name?
SHIRLEY
We don’t know. He ate every shoe in
the house, so the boys just started
calling him Shooby.
ABED enters.
ABED
Hey.
ANNIE
Hey Abed, this is Shooby. Isn’t he
adorable?
ABED
An animal mascot, cool. I was
thinking we needed a way to spice
up this season. The rampant sexual
tension has leveled off now that
Troy and Britta are together.
JEFF
Excuse me?
TROY enters, his arm around BRITTA’s shoulder. Troy has an
old OUJIA BOARD box under his other arm and Britta wears a
thick pair of Buddy Holly glasses. They take a seat.
PIERCE
Back in my day, they outlawed these
kinds of relationships.
SHIRLEY
Pierce!
4.
PIERCE
What? You guys are okay having a
jock hook up with a nerd?
JEFF
He has a point. Britta, when did
you start wearing glasses?
BRITTA
Funny story. Troy and Abed were
playing laser tag...
TROY
We amplified the guns’ frequencies.
Britta got caught in the crossfire.
BRITTA
(Points to glasses)
And now I have to wear these for a
week while my eyes heal.
JEFF
Amplified laser tag guns? That
sounds extremely unsafe.
ABED
We’re playing again next weekend.
JEFF
Count me in.
SHIRLEY
What do you have there, Troy?
Troy grins, putting the Oujia board box on the table.
TROY
I bought a Oujia board. I know it’s
silly, but I always wanted to
contact the ghost of Chef Boyardee
and ask him what makes Beefaroni so
delicious.
BRITTA
Well good luck, Troy. I hope you
can contact all your favorite food
personalities.
TROY
Thanks! Maybe I can get Count
Chocula to reveal where his vampire
treasure is buried.
5.
JEFF
Alright well, now that show and
tell is over, how about we start
studying?
SHIRLEY
(Pulling out a bread pan)
Ooh, before we start, does anybody
want some homemade banana bread?
JEFF
No!
Everyone looks at Jeff, surprised by the outburst. Jeff is
equally confused. Shirley looks hurt.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Okay, that was weird.
SHIRLEY
That was weird, Jeff. I didn’t know
you hated my baking so much.
JEFF
I don’t hate your baking, Shirley.
SHIRLEY
Could’ve fooled me.
JEFF
Look, I’m sorry. Let’s just start
studying, alright?
Everyone agrees hesitantly.
EXT. SCHOOL ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The group is packing up and heading their separate ways.
Abed, Annie, Britta and Troy are the last to leave.
BRITTA
(Suggestively)
So Troy, how about we do something
fun tonight?
TROY
Sounds good. Me and Abed were gonna
order a pizza and watch the old
Ghostbusters cartoon.
BRITTA
(Annoyed)
Seriously?
6.
ABED
Annie, you in?
ANNIE
Sounds good. Oh shoot! I left my
backpack in the study room. Save me
some crazy bread?
ABED
Cool.
Annie runs back inside as the group turns and leaves.
INT. STUDY ROOM - NIGHT
Annie enters the study room, spotting her bookbag behind a
chair. As she picks it up, the lights suddenly turn off.
ANNIE
H-hello? Is somebody there?
Annie hears footsteps, looking around the room.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
This isn’t funny you guys!
Annie turns, spotting a DARK FIGURE in the study room window.
She SCREAMS, dropping her camera and setting off the FLASH.
END OF COLD OPEN
7.
ACT I
INT. STUDY ROOM - DAY
Jeff sits alone at the study room table. Britta enters.
JEFF
Hey there, Buddy Holly.
BRITTA
Ha, ha. Real funny, Mister...
Mister Funny.
JEFF
Wow, that was brilliant.
BRITTA
Shut up.
JEFF
So Abed shot you in the eye with a
laser gun?
BRITTA
Actually, it was Troy.
JEFF
Wow, guess he won’t be winning the
“boyfriend of the year” award, huh?
BRITTA
Troy’s not my boyfriend. I mean,
I’d like to try something serious,
but he’s always busy watching weird
TV shows with Abed. Did you know
they made a laser tag cartoon?
JEFF
No, because I’m not a virgin.
Shirley enters, led by a leashed Shooby.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Still haven’t found the owners huh?
SHIRLEY
Nope.
BRITTA
Maybe I could adopt Shooby. Mr.
Meowskers could use a new friend.
He’s been down ever since he got dewormed. Hello, Shooby!
8.
Britta bends down to pet Shooby, who SNARLS at her.
JEFF
Smart dog.
BRITTA
This doesn’t make sense. I’m great
with animals. I’m sure he’ll learn
to like me.
JEFF
Good point. How many drinks do you
normally buy your dates before they
“learn to like you”?
Britta glares. The rest of the group enters, busy arguing.
ANNIE
You guys, I’m serious!
JEFF
What’s up?
TROY
Annie says she saw a ghost in the
study room last night.
PIERCE
Typical Annie.
Everyone nods and murmurs agreement. Annie is aghast.
ANNIE
You guys!
JEFF
Sorry, Annie, but you have to
admit, you are a huge scaredy-cat.
ANNIE
I am not!
JEFF
Annie, you’re the only person I
know who gets scared at horror
movie trailers.
ABED
She saw a promo for the new Friday
the 13th and couldn’t sleep for a
week.
9.
JEFF
Don’t remind me. It really put a
damper on my Stanley Cup party.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. JEFF’S APARTMENT - MONTHS EARLIER
The study group is crowded around Jeff’s television, wearing
hockey jerseys. Pierce enters, wearing a hockey mask. Annie
SCREAMS, attacking Pierce with a hockey stick.
STUDY ROOM - DAY
ANNIE
Sorry about that Pierce...
PIERCE
It’s okay. Not the first time a
woman came at me uncontrollably.
Did I ever tell you about the time
I was in an airplane bathroom with
Eartha Kitt-GROUP
(Collectively)
Yes!
TROY
(Picking up Annie’s camera)
Hey, what’s this?
ANNIE
My camera!
Annie snatches the camera from Troy.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Wait, what’s this photo of?
Annie gasps, pulling out a picture of the Dark Figure.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Annie and Jeff carry lunch trays, returning to the study
group’s cafeteria table and sitting down.
ANNIE
This picture is proof, Jeff! I
think the study room is haunted!
10.
JEFF
Annie, c’mon. There’s no such thing
as ghosts.
TROY
Whoa, let’s not go that far Jeff.
BRITTA
Yeah, most world cultures have some
sort of spiritual beliefs.
JEFF
Seriously?
PIERCE
They say a level 23 laser lotus
leaves behind a spirit membrane to
guide others in a time of crisis.
ABED
Like Obi-Wan!
Troy and Abed make lightsaber noises.
SHIRLEY
You know, Jeff. Sometimes souls get
lost on their way to Jesus. Maybe
Annie’s ghost is stuck in purgatory
with all the unbaptized babies and
rock and roll singers.
JEFF
C’mon, what kind of ghost would
want to haunt a community college?
LEONARD
Johnny Danger would.
The group turns to see LEONARD sitting at the table beside
them, happily eating a ham sandwich.
JEFF
Shut up Leonard.
ANNIE
Who’s Johnny Danger?
LEONARD
Only the coolest student in
Greendale. Of course, that was
before the accident.
11.
INT. HALLWAY (DAY) - EARLY 1980S
The group, save Annie, all wear traditional biker gear
(leather jackets, blue jeans). Jeff, as Johnny Danger, leads
them down the hall, shoving nerds in lockers and smoking
cigarettes.
LEONARD (V.O.)
The Greendale Mashers, they called
them. A real tough bunch. And
Johnny was the leader of the pack.
JEFF
Hey, you guys want to skip class
and do some illegal drugs?
Troy holds up a bag of pills.
TROY
Do you really have to ask?
They laugh. Annie steps forward.
ANNIE
Johnny, you have to come to our
rally today. We’re protesting the
continued imprisonment of the
school mascot, Sharky.
PIERCE
Shove it, babe. Johnny Danger
doesn’t care about anything.
ANNIE
You have to learn to care about
something, Johnny. You’re going to
get yourself killed!
JEFF
Not me. I’m young and reckless. I’m
gonna live forever.
Jeff turns and continues down the hallway.
LEONARD (V.O.)
But Johnny would learn to regret
his arrogance...
EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT
The group taunts Jeff as he sits atop his motorcycle.
12.
SHIRLEY
What’s wrong Johnny? Still thinking
about that broad?
JEFF
No!
BRITTA
Ooh. Johnny wants her bad. Maybe he
really does care about something!
JEFF
Can it jerks! I don’t care about
her!
PIERCE
Prove it.
(Beat)
Jump the tank.
Pierce points to a large above-ground pool, labeled “Sharky.”
JEFF
Fine!
Jeff wheels his bike around, speeding towards a flimsy
plywood ramp. Suddenly he spots Annie leaving the school.
Distracted, Jeff loses control and CRASHES in the shark tank,
water turning red as the group SCREAMS.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
The group looks at Leonard, stunned into silence.
ABED
Hm. I really hope that wasn’t a
metaphor for the rest of this
season.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
The group makes their way back towards the study room.
ANNIE
It makes perfect sense! Johnny
Danger is haunting me because I
care too much!
The group groans.
13.
JEFF
Annie, again. There’s no such thing
as ghosts, and the sooner you
figure that out the better.
INT. STUDY ROOM - DAY
The groups turns the corner into the study room, gasping to
find the chairs all stacked in a pyramid, ala Poltergeist.
SHIRLEY
It’s a demon!
ANNIE
He wants to kill me, so I can be
his corpse bride!
ABED
Not Burton’s best.
JEFF
Okay. Somebody is obviously playing
a stupid prank on us.
TROY
That sounds like a real Johnny
Danger attitude there Jeff.
JEFF
There is no Johnny Danger! Look,
let’s settle this once and for all.
Tonight, meet back here in the
study room.
PIERCE
Why on earth would we do that?
Jeff holds up the Oujia board box.
JEFF
Because. We’re gonna summon a
ghost.
END OF ACT I
14.
ACT II
INT. STUDY ROOM - NIGHT
Annie, Jeff and Britta sit at the study room table.
ANNIE
I’m really nervous, I’ve never
summoned a ghost before.
JEFF
Annie, there’s no such thing as
ghosts. As soon as everyone gets
here we can prove it and get back
to our normal lives.
Abed enters, dressed in a Ghostbuster costume.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Okay, semi-normal.
ABED
Hey guys.
BRITTA
Abed, what are you wearing?
ABED
Oh this? It’s a standard issue
proton pack.
ANNIE
Abed! That’s our vacuum cleaner!
ABED
It’s okay. We already had a vacuum
cleaner when you moved in.
Troy enters, wearing an identical Ghostbuster costume.
TROY
Hey guys.
ANNIE
Troy! That’s our other vacuum
cleaner!
TROY
It’s okay. We already had a vacuum
cleaner when you moved in.
Troy sees Abed.
15.
TROY AND ABED
Our bad.
ANNIE
(Annoyed)
Forget it.
Shirley and Pierce enter, Shirley holding Shooby’s leash.
PIERCE
We miss anything?
JEFF
I think we’re just about to get
started.
Britta tries to pet Shooby. The dog recoils, SNARLING and
BARKING.
PIERCE
Maybe it’s her “time of the month.”
Dogs can smell that.
SHIRLEY
Pierce!
ABED
No, that’s relevant. Britta, are
you menstruating right now?
JEFF
Not okay.
ABED
Back off, man. I’m a scientist.
TROY
Hey. I though I got to be Bill
Murray!
ABED
No, I’m Peter Venkman. You’re
Winston Zeddemore.
TROY
Oh I’m the black Ghostbuster. Big
surprise.
JEFF
Enough with the typecasting.
Everybody sit down.
They do.
16.
JEFF (CONT’D)
I’ve called this meeting of the
midnight society so that we can try
to summon the ghost of Johnny
Danger. Proving once again that
Annie is afraid of her own shadow.
ANNIE
Hey!
Jeff removes the Oujia board from its box.
SHIRLEY
I don’t like this. What if we
summon the devil?
JEFF
Shirley, if the Hasbro corporation
knew how to summon the devil, he
probably would’ve told them not to
make a Battleship movie.
Group reacts positively to the burn.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Okay, let’s begin.
Everyone puts a hand on the OUJIA NAVIGATOR.
SHIRLEY
How do we start?
BRITTA
I think we have to ask it a
question.
PIERCE
Ooh I’ve got one. Will I bang my
Filipino Psych professor?
ANNIE
Pierce, c’mon!
The Navigator glides over to “No.”
PIERCE
This thing is broken. She wants me
bad.
JEFF
Is that why she filed a restraining
order?
17.
PIERCE
It’s called “playing hard to get.”
ABED
My turn. When will my deluxe
Caprica boxset arrive?
The Navigator glides around the board.
ABED (CONT’D)
The fifteenth. That’s a day earlier
than the estimated shipping date.
TROY
Original series marathon?
ABED
Cool.
Abed and Troy exchange their special handshake. Britta rolls
her eyes.
ANNIE
You guys! Focus! Ok, spirit of the
Ouija. Is the ghost of Johnny
Danger in this school?
The Navigator glides to “Yes.” The group gasps.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Ok. Is Johnny Danger in this room?
Again, “Yes.” Another gasp. Annie takes a deep breath.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Ok. Johnny Danger, if you can hear
us, what is it you want?
The group watches nervously as the Navigator glides around
the board.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
B. U. T. T. S! Butts!
(Beat)
Butts? Oh c’mon! Jeff, you’re
throwing it off!
Jeff laughs.
JEFF
C’mon Annie, give it up. The Oujia
is nothing more than a dumb toy
manipulated by the collective
desires of our group.
(MORE)
18.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Abed wants his DVD will arrive
early. Nobody wants Piece to bang
his Psych professor. And all of you
want so badly to believe in fairy
tales, that you’ll push a little
plastic arrow around to try and
prove ghosts exist.
As Jeff speaks, the Navigator begins moving on its own,
spinning in a circle. Shooby notices this and starts BARKING.
Troy’s eyes go wide.
TROY
Uh, Jeff?
Everyone but Jeff now notices the Navigator, watching in
stunned silence.
JEFF
This just proves that ghosts aren’t
a real phenomenon, but instead the
result of mass hysteria, which when
left unchecked... will someone
please shut up that stupid dog?
Jeff turns, finally noticing the spinning Navigator.
SHIRLEY
It’s Johnny Danger! Come to kill us
all!
JEFF
Relax, I’m sure the table is just
on a slant or something...
ABED
It’s spelling something.
The Navigator moves about the board, spelling out a message.
ANNIE
G. E. T. O. U. T.... Get out?
The room begins to shake violently. Ceiling tiles CRASH to
the floor. Green goo drops from the ceiling, coating the
group.
JEFF
Everybody! Move!
19.
INT. SCHOOL ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The study group leaps up from their chairs, running to the
entrance. Annie makes it outside before the front door slams
shut. Jeff and Troy tug on the door handles, finding them
locked tight. Annie turns, seeing that the group is trapped
inside.
ANNIE
Don’t worry! I’ll find help!
Suddenly, the Dark Figure grabs Annie and pulls her into the
darkness. The group screams.
END OF ACT II
20.
ACT III
INT. STUDY ROOM - NIGHT
With Annie gone, the goo-coated study group is panicking.
Jeff paces nervously back and forth, trying hard to think.
JEFF
Alright, everybody stay calm.
TROY
Stay calm? A ghost just kidnapped
Annie!
PIERCE
That was no ghost. That was a level
37 laser lotus. They feed on human
blood.
SHIRLEY
It was the devil!
JEFF
It wasn’t the devil!
Britta disgustedly examines her goo-soaked clothing.
BRITTA
What is this goo?
ABED
It’s ectoplasm, a physical remnant
of supernatural activity.
JEFF
No, Abed, this is just somebody
playing a very elaborate and very
stupid practical joke on us.
TROY
Hey guys!
Troy pops up from behind the couch. Jeff jumps, startled.
BRITTA
Jeez, Jeff. Scared much?
JEFF
No!
21.
TROY
Check it out. I found a box of old
clothes left over from the flea
market.
PIERCE
Thank god, I was starting to chafe.
MOMENTS LATER
The group re-emerges, dressed as the cast of Scooby Doo. Jeff
as Shaggy, Pierce as Fred, Britta as Velma and Shirley as
Daphne.
SHIRLEY
Aren’t you boys going to change?
ABED
Ghostbusters are used to a little
ectoplasm Shirley.
TROY
Yeah, it’s not the first time we’ve
been covered in goo.
Abed and Troy’s exchange their special handshake. The group’s
collective eyebrow raises.
JEFF
Alright, we need to find a way out
of Greendale. I propose we split up
to cover more ground.
ABED
Good idea. Troy, according to
horror movie standards, you stand
the best chance of being killed
first.
TROY
(to Jeff)
Because I’m black.
JEFF
I get it.
ABED
To compensate, you’ll pair up with
Britta.
BRITTA
Because the attractive blonde
always lives to the end?
22.
ABED
Actually, it’s because your thick
legs-Jeff puts a hand over Abed’s mouth.
JEFF
Yes, Britta. Because you’re pretty.
ABED
Pierce is old and feeble, so he’ll
go with Shirley, whose sassy antics
make her an audience favorite.
SHIRLEY
Who you callin’ sassy!?
ABED
Perfect, keep that energy.
Jeff, your rampant narcism makes
you a one-dimensional character.
JEFF
I’m sorry?
ABED
You’ll come with me, hopefully a
big emotional moment will prove to
the audience you’re not worth
killing off. Everybody good?
The group mumbles out their agreement, clearly upset.
ABED (CONT’D)
Cool.
INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
Britta and Troy pass through the library stacks, moving
towards an exit. Britta holds Shooby’s leash.
TROY
How did we end up with the dog?
BRITTA
I’m trying to get Shooby to like
me. Maybe then somebody will want
to hang out with me.
TROY
What are you walking about? We hang
out all the time!
23.
BRITTA
Never alone though, Troy! You and
Abed are always doing nerd stuff
together.
TROY
I thought you liked watching
cartoons with us.
BRITTA
I do, I just... I mean, Abed’s so
weird-Troy turns to face Britta, upset.
TROY
You know what Britta? Abed is my
friend, my best friend. I like you
but... I don’t know if this is
going to work.
BRITTA
Troy, c’mon.
Troy exits. Shooby pulls away suddenly, causing Britta to
trip, losing her glasses.
BRITTA (CONT’D)
Oh jeez! Shooby! Ugh, I dropped my
glasses.
Britta gropes about on the floor, looking for her glasses.
Her hand finds the leather boot of GHOST #1, dressed in
Johnny Danger’s biker outfit: (Leather jacket, blue jeans,
half biker helmet, black facemask). Britta stands up.
BRITTA (CONT’D)
Troy, there you are. Have you seen
my glasses?
GHOST #1
Uhnnnnn
BRITTA
Are you still mad? Listen, what you
and Abed have is special. I don’t
want to ruin that. I just wish we
could be more “intimate” sometimes.
Britta leans forward for a kiss.
GHOST #1
Uhnnnnn?
24.
BRITTA
What’s with the helmet, did you and
Abed change costumes already?
Ghost #1’s helmet drops to the ground. Britta lifts up
Ghost’s #1’s mask and they begin making out. Troy returns.
TROY
Hey Britta? I found your glasses.
BRITTA
One second Troy. I’m busy with...
wait a second.
Britta pulls away, eyes focusing on the Ghost.
GHOST #1
Boo.
Britta SCREAMS.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NIGHT
Pierce and Shirley pace down the empty hallway.
SHIRLEY
Great, I’ve got a family at home
and I’m out chasing some freaky
demon.
PIERCE
At least Abed didn’t label you old
and feeble.
SHIRLEY
That boy! Sometimes the things he
says just ain’t right.
PIERCE
You know, he’s right. We’re are too
old.
SHIRLEY
Careful Pierce.
PIERCE
I meant we’re too old for this.
We’re adults. What are we doing
hunting ghosts?
SHIRLEY
You know what, you’re right. Why
don’t we ask him?
25.
At the end of the hallway stands GHOST #2, dressed
identically to Ghost #1.
PIERCE
Get him!
Ghost #2 is startled by the reaction, fleeing as Shirley and
Pierce give chase.
INT. CAFETERIA - NIGHT
Jeff pulls on a locked exit door while Abed watches.
JEFF
Damnit. The Dean’s Lady Gaga CD
gets stolen, and suddenly this
place is locked down tighter than
Fort Knox.
ABED
Jeff, why are you so intent on
proving ghosts don’t exist?
JEFF
Because Abed, this is real life.
Ghosts aren’t real just because we
want them to be.
ABED
Maybe. Or maybe you have a personal
reason for believing in the
finality of death.
JEFF
Abed, this isn’t about death. My
grandmother died a week ago, and
I’m doing just fine.
ABED
Are you?
JEFF
One hundred percent.
ABED
Did your grandmother bake?
JEFF
Everybody’s grandmother bakes Abed.
ABED
Did she bake banana bread?
26.
Jeff freezes up, shocked at the revelation.
MOMENTS LATER
Jeff is on the floor, sobbing as Abed comforts him.
JEFF
She was the nicest old lady in the
world! Why do people die, Abed?!
ABED
I don’t know, Jeff. But, you still
think of your grandmother. So in a
way, it’s like she’s still alive.
She’s alive in your heart.
JEFF
What movie did you pull that speech
from?
ABED
Not everything I say is a quote
Jeff. This is. “I see dead people.”
JEFF
What?
Abed points. Ghost #3 appears at the end of the hall, dressed
the same as the others. Ghost #3 waves his arms comically.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Get him!
Jeff and Abed charge the ghost, who shrieks and takes off
running.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Jeff and Abed pursue Ghost #3.
JEFF
Stop that ghost!
CUT TO:
Pierce and Shirley pursue Ghost #2.
SHIRLEY
I’ll show you sassy!
CUT TO:
27.
Shooby chases Ghost #1, followed by Britta and Troy.
BRITTA
Get that creep!
All three ghosts meet in the middle of the hallway, then dart
through separate doors. A Benny Hill-style hallway homage
ensues, complete with MUSIC. Shooby chases a ghost through
one doorway. Jeff and Pierce cautiously back into the
hallway, bump into each other, then scream and run back to
their respective doors. A ghost rides a motorcycle across the
hall. Abed pushes Troy in a wheelbarrow. Shirley rides on a
ghost’s shoulders, hitting it in the head with a purse, etc.
INT. STORAGE CLOSET - NIGHT
Jeff pants, out of breath. Abed looks concerned.
ABED
It’s no use. These Benny Hill style
antics could go on for hours. We
need a trap.
Jeff grabs a rope from a nearby shelf.
JEFF
I found a rope.
ABED
Great. Now all we need is a giant
cage to drop onto the ghosts. But
it’ll have to made of an positive
ectoplasmic alloy.
JEFF
I’ve got a better idea.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
Jeff ties the rope around a doorway.
JEFF
Okay! You can start again.
The Benny Hill MUSIC kicks back in. Ghost #1 immediately
trips on the rope and spills into the hallway, helmet falling
off. The rest of the group re-emerges to confront the Ghost.
GHOST #1
Owww...
28.
Ghost #1 rubs its head. Jeff reaches in and rips off the
Ghost’s mask, revealing a bashful Annie.
SHIRLEY
Annie?!
ANNIE
Hey guys...
TROY
Annie, what the hell!? You’re
Johnny Danger?
ANNIE
No, Johnny Danger isn’t real. Look.
I’ve always been a bit of a
scaredey-cat. That’s why I was so
embarrassed didn’t believe I saw a
ghost.
ABED
So you set up this scenario in
order to prove everybody gets
scared sometimes.
ANNIE
Exactly! I just wanted you guys to
know how it felt, so maybe you’d
stop teasing me all the time.
SHIRLEY
Oh Annie. If we were hurting your
feelings, you could’ve just said
something.
Ghost #2 runs in, singing the Benny Hill theme to himself,
before tripping on the rope and landing in the middle of the
group. Jeff rips off the ghost’s mask, revealing DEAN PELTON.
DEAN PELTON
Whoops! Looks like the jig is up.
JEFF
(Glaring at Annie)
What have I said about involving
the Dean in schemes?
ANNIE
I didn’t know where else to get the
outfits...
TROY
But wait, what about trippy Oujia
board? And the ectoplasm?
29.
DEAN PELTON
A dean never reveals his secrets.
ABED
Magnets. Corn syrup.
DEAN PELTON
Okay, well. You got me.
JEFF
Well Annie, you’ve proved your
point. Three jackasses in leather
jackets can be a bit spooky.
ANNIE
Three? No, it was just me and the
dean.
JEFF
Sure. So that’s not Leonard?
The group looks down the hallway, Ghost #3 standing silently,
holding a chainsaw.
ANNIE
Jeff I’m serious! There wasn’t a
third ghost!
TROY
Uh, you guys?
Ghost #3’s chainsaw ROARS to life. The Dean shrieks.
SHIRLEY
It’s Johnny Danger!
JEFF
Run!
The group runs SCREAMING from the chainsaw-wielding biker.
Shooby breaks free of his leash, running down a side hallway.
BRITTA
Look you guys, Shooby knows a
shortcut!
JEFF
Follow the dog!
INT. POT CAVERN - NIGHT
The group bursts into an abandoned schoolroom, softly lit by
hundreds of blacklight grow lamps.
30.
Pot plants grow everywhere. Abed throws a broom to Troy, who
uses it to bar the door.
DEAN
Oh my god...
ABED
Britta, say “Jinkies.”
BRITTA
“Jinkies?”
ABED
Thank you.
Jeff is on his cellphone, panicked.
JEFF
Hello? 911? There is a crazy ghost
trying to kill us with a chainsaw.
We’re inside Greendale Community
college.
(Rolls his eyes)
Yes, “the weird school.”
DEAN
(Surveying the room)
Oh no. No, no, no. This can’t be!
Ghost #3 beats against the barred door. The broom splinters.
SHIRLEY
Ooh, we’re all gonna die.
PIERCE
Yeah, thanks Annie.
ABED
Hold on, I’ve got a plan.
Abed takes off his vacuum backpack and starts stuffing it
with weed. Troy takes notice and does the same.
ABED (CONT’D)
Britta, give me your lighter.
BRITTA
(Annoyed)
Okay, but don’t forget to give it
back.
ABED
Pierce, Shirley, give me your
scarves.
31.
Abed grabs Shirley’s scarf and Pierce’s ascot, lighting them
both and dropping them into the vacuums. Him and Troy set the
vacuum suction to reverse, turning to face the door.
ABED (CONT’D)
It’s been nice working with you Dr.
Venkman.
Troy is surprised at the character change, grinning.
TROY
See you on the other side.
ABED
Holding!
TROY
Heat ‘em up!
They pretend to arm the backpacks, making humming NOISE.
ABED
Smoking!
TROY
Make ‘em hard!
They pull out the vacuum nozzles, aking gun-cocking NOISES.
ABED
Ready!
TROY
Let’s show this biker dude how we
do things downtown. Throw it!
Ghost #3 bursts in, immediately catching a face full of pot
smoke, courtesy of Abed and Troy’s “proton packs.” The
Ghostbuster theme song plays. As the smoke clears, Ghost #3
is on the ground, hacking and coughing. Jeff reaches in and
pulls off his helmet, revealing STARBURNS.
JEFF
Starburns!?
SHIRLEY
It is a ghost!
STARBURNS
No, I’m not a ghost. And my name is
Alex.
TROY
But you’re supposed to be dead!
32.
ABED
Yeah, we already made a video
tribute.
STARBURNS
Yeah, I saw that on YouTube. That
song was really cool.
ABED
Thanks.
JEFF
Why on earth were you trying to
kill us?
STARBURNS
I can’t talk about that.
Abed blows another blast of smoke at Starburns. He coughs.
STARBURNS (CONT’D)
Oh wow, that’s strong stuff. Look,
I was paid to grow the weed, but
your friend here saw me poking
around the school after hours.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. STUDY ROOM - NIGHT OF THE INCIDENT
Annie spots Starburns in the Study Room window, screaming.
Starburns screams as well, running off.
JEFF (O.S)
So wait, all that stuff about
Johnny Danger?
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. BACK OF SCHOOL - DAY
Starburns gives Leonard a baggie of weed and a ham sandwich.
STARBURNS (O.S)
I made it all up. Leonard was
supposed tell you that story to
scare you off. Looks like that was
a mistake...
FLASHBACK TO:
33.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Leonard tells the Johnny Danger story to the group.
POT CAVERN
STARBURNS
And I would’ve gotten away with it
too, if it wasn’t for you-ABED
Meddling kids?
STARBURNS
What? No. You guys are jerks.
BRITTA
So you try to scare us, and then
decide to make out with me?!
STARBURNS
What? We didn’t make out!
BRITTA
We didn’t? Wait, then who?
Britta locks eyes with Annie, who blushes and turns away.
BRITTA (CONT’D)
No way.
DEAN
Well mister, you’re got quite a
story to explain to the cops. I
mean really, someone paid you to
grow weed on Greendale’s campus?
STARBURNS
You would know, you signed off on
it.
DEAN
What?
Starburns hands over a crumpled document. The Dean reads it.
DEAN (CONT’D)
This is the approval form for
Professor Burnsten’s gardening
class. Fertilizer, watering cans,
three hundred grow lamps. Oh no.
34.
STARBURNS
Get it now? They find out Greendale
is a drug operation, they’ll shut
the whole school down. And Winger
already called the cops!
Starburns laughs as Jeff checks his call history.
DEAN
Who!? Who paid you to do this?!
STARBURNS
Does anybody have any corn chips? I
would kill for some Doritos.
ABED
He’s gone, we gave him too much.
DEAN
What do we do!? The cops will be
here any minute!
Jeff looks over the room knowingly. Britta panics.
BRITTA
Jeff no! There has to be another
way!
JEFF
I’m sorry Britta. It has to be
done.
MONTAGE: SAD MUSIC plays. Jeff retrieves bottles of lighter
fluid from a supply closet. Police cars pull up in the
Greendale parking lot. Jeff, Abed and Pierce cover the plants
in lighter fluid. Shirley prays in a corner, holding Shooby’s
leash. Britta cries openly, held by Troy. Abed brings in the
Oujia board, throwing it atop the plants. The police exit
their cars, pulling their guns on the Dean. The group watches
as the pot plants go up in flame, setting off the school’s
sprinkler system, all of them getting drenched in water.
EXT. SCHOOL ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The group explains the situation to OFFICER #1, all of them
still soaking wet, wrapped in towels.
OFFICER #1
Let me get this straight. You kids
were playing with a Oujia board,
and thought you saw a ghost.
35.
JEFF
That’s right officer.
OFFICER #1
And to kill the ghost, you lit the
Oujia board on fire, which set off
the sprinkler system.
ANNIE
That is how you kill ghosts.
The groups nods their heads in agreement. Officer #2 comes by
with the burned Oujia board.
OFFICER #2
Story checks out.
Officer #2 notices Shooby.
OFFICER #2 (CONT’D)
Hey! Scotty!
Officer #2 bends down, Shooby running up and licking his
face.
SHIRLEY
Wait, this is your dog?
OFFICER #2
Yeah, Scotty here is the
department’s top drug sniffing dog.
He went missing a week ago.
BRITTA
Drug sniffing dog? Uh oh.
Shooby runs over to Britta’s backpack, BARKING loudly.
Everyone looks at Britta.
OFFICER #2
What’s wrong Scotty?
JEFF
Please tell me you don’t have pot.
BRITTA
Shut up.
OFFICER #2 (O.S.)
Uh oh, we’ve got a problem here.
The group turns to find Officer #2 pulling a loaf of banana
bread from behind the backpack.
36.
OFFICER #2 (CONT’D)
Scotty loves baked goods. Probably
ate too many donuts, right?
Officer #2 laughs. Everyone joins in awkwardly.
OFFICER #2 (CONT’D)
Alright, normally there’s a fine
for calling in a fake ghost
sighting, but I’ll let it slide.
DEAN
Thank you officer.
OFFICER #1
But the next time you see a ghost,
who you gonna call?
ABED
Ghostbusters.
OFFICER #1
No. Call a mental health
professional. Seriously.
The officers leave with Shooby.
JEFF
Looks like your banana bread really
saved us Shirley.
SHIRLEY
Oh no, I brought that home to my
kids. That’s somebody else’s bread.
JEFF
What? It can’t be...
Jeff looks skyward.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Grandma?
Troy approaches Britta.
TROY
Hey, you want to hang out tonight?
BRITTA
And watch cartoons with you and
Abed?
37.
TROY
That sounds cool, but I was
thinking something a bit more...
“intimate.”
Britta smiles, leaving with Troy. Briefly, her eyes meet with
Annie’s. They both blush and look away.
PIERCE
Hey wait. What the hell happened to
Starburns?
EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT
Starburns is on his cellphone, high and visibly panicked.
STARBURNS
Listen, everything went crazy, they
torched the whole operation. Can
you send somebody to pick me up? I
am freaking out right now.
INT. CITY COLLEGE OFFICE - NIGHT
DEAN SPRECK holds a handset to his ear, looking upset.
STARBURNS (O.S)
Are you there?! Listen, can you
stop at a Taco Bell on the way
over!?
Dean Spreck hangs up the phone, staring straight ahead.
DEAN SPRECK
The burning star has failed us.
Looks like the Greendale 7 are more
resilient than I thought. What do
you suggest we do next... partner?
CHANG steps out of the shadows.
SENOR CHANG
Divide. And Conquer.
END OF ACT III