Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Iceberg Activity (6/13/15)
From Discouragement to Encouragement
Objective:
• To help parents and teachers comprehend the deeper purpose of misbehavior
(expressions of discouragement), and how to use encouragement to motivate
emotionally healthy behavior.
• To help adults explore the Mistaken Goal Chart, the Jungle, and
Encouragement in one activity.
Materials:
• “Characteristics and Life Skills” and “Challenges” lists from Two Lists Activity.
• A Mistaken Goal Chart for each person.
• A hat to represent each mistaken goal (per Read My Hat Activity) or costume
glasses to represent each mistaken goal
• Iceberg Posters for each goal (see below), enlarged to 11” x 17”.
• Small sticky note strips packets, in four colors.
• Encouragement Statements (for each mistaken goal): laminated, cut into
strips, and saved in appropriately labeled envelopes.
• Pencils or pens for each group.
• A copy of “Group Instructions” for each group (4).
• Six sturdy chairs. (Or fewer if the groups are smaller and some “adults” will be
making more than one statement, for a total of six statements.)
• All Encouraging Statements on one page as a handout at the end of the
activity.
Comment: Positive Discipline is based on an encouragement model instead of
medical model. A medical model asks, “What causes this behavior,” and looks for
an illness, a label, a disease—and a pill to fix the problem. An encouragement
model asks, “What is the purpose of this behavior, and how can we use
encouragement to change the purpose?”
The purpose of the misbehavior is almost always a mistaken way to find
belonging and significance. When children feel discouraged about belonging and
significance, they find mistaken ways (misbehavior) to seek belonging. Positive
Discipline tools help children feel encouraged so they seek belonging through
socially acceptable ways.
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Directions (Part One):
1. Share the Comment in your own words (or read it).
2. Display the “Behavior/Belonging and Significance” iceberg poster and point
out that most adults react to the behavior, which is only the tip of the iceberg.
The base of the iceberg (much larger than the tip) represents the goal of the
behavior (based upon the “mistaken” belief behind the behavior). This activity
teaches adults how to respond to the belief below the surface of the behavior
to invite behavior change through connection (belonging and significance),
encouragement, and teaching capability skills.
3. Divide into four groups—one for each Mistaken Goal: Undue Attention,
Misguided Power, Revenge, and Assumed Inadequacy. In smaller groups,
divide into two groups and have each group work on two Mistaken Goals, or
have the whole group do one Mistaken Goal a week.
4. Give each group:
a) The iceberg poster representing the Mistaken Goal assigned to them.
b) A Mistaken Goal Chart for each person.
c) Mistaken goal hat or costume glasses for their mistaken goal.
d) A packet of small sticky note strips (a different color for each group)
e) Pens or pencils.
f) A copy of the “Group Instructions.” (Below) Do not give out
Encouragement Statements, yet. They will be given out for Part Two.
5. Let them know they will have 5-7 minutes to prepare Scene One per the
“Group Instructions”. (See below to make a copy for each group that can be
read aloud by one volunteer in their group.)
6. While the groups are preparing, line up some chairs in the middle of the room
(up to 6 for the “adults” in the groups).
7. Visit each group to see how they are doing and to coach if they have
questions.
8. When the preparation time is up, ask which group would like to go first. Ask
the adults to stand on the chairs if they are comfortable doing so (ask for
“spotters” from the group to help them get up and down).
9. Ask the child to wear the hat or glasses, and to hold the Iceberg Poster at
chest level, and stand in front of the first adult and listen (without saying a
word—just noticing what he or she is thinking, feeling, and deciding), and
then to proceed down the line while the adults make the “reaction” statements
they have prepared.
10. At the end, process with the child what he or she was thinking, feeling, and
deciding.
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
11. Take the child to the list of Characteristics and Life Skills from the Two Lists
Activity, and ask if her or she learned anything from the discouraging
statements (probably not). Take the child to the “Challenges” list and ask if he/
she is feeling inspired to do any of these. (Usually several)
12. Invite the adults to step down from the chairs. Process with the adults what
they were thinking, feeling, and deciding during the role-play.
Directions (Part Two):
10. Ask the adults to remain standing on the floor and pass out the laminated
strips of Encouraging Statements (if the group is small, some may have more
than one).
11. Have the child move down the line again, standing in front of each adult long
enough to hear the encouraging statement while noticing what he or she is
thinking, feeling, and deciding. (If adults have more than one encouraging
statement, the child will go down the line again.)
12. Process with the child what he or she was thinking, feeling, and deciding.
Take the child to the list of Characteristics and Life Skills and ask if he or she
learned anything on the list from the experience of hearing the encouraging
statements. (Usually many)
13. Process with the parents or teachers what they were thinking, feeling, and
deciding during this part of the role-play.
14. Repeat for each group.
15. Invite the whole group to share what they learned from this activity.
16. Pass out the handouts of Encouraging Statements, and remind the
participants that when we switch from reactive behavior to thoughtful
behavior, it takes time and we often need to start with a script.
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Group Instructions for Iceberg Activity
1. Give every one a few sticky notes.
2. Write down behaviors on the sticky notes that invite you to feel the
feelings listed in column 2 of the Mistaken Goal Chart (MGC) for the
Mistaken Goal you are assigned.
3. Paste the sticky notes on the tip part of the Iceberg Poster.
4. Prepare to do the following role-play in front of the large group:
a. Choose one person in your group to role-play a child (who
has the belief described in column 5), who has been
engaging in the behaviors listed on the sticky notes.
b. Choose up to six people to role-play adults who will stand
on chairs and “react” (based on their feelings in Column 2)
to any of the behaviors written on the sticky notes. (Check
Column 3 of the Mistaken Goal Chart for clues to prepare
for what to say, but it is okay to use your own imagination.)
c. Note: There is no need to practice in your small group.
Once you have some idea of what you are going to do and
say it is okay to be spontaneous while role-playing in front
of the large group.
5. When it is your turn to do your role-play in front of the group, the
“child” will put on the hat or wear the glasses, hold the Iceberg Poster
at chest level, walk down the line of adults standing on the chairs,
pausing in front of each one to listen to the adult “react”—and will just
notice what he or she is thinking, feeling, and deciding.
6. The workshop facilitator will process what each is thinking, feeling,
and deciding, starting with the child, and will then provide instructions
for Part 2 of the role-play.
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Parent’s Encouraging Statements
Undue Attention
1. Would you be willing to use this timer to time me for three
minutes on the phone?
2. Let’s make a deal. How about you get your homework
done and we can hang out for a few minutes after dinner.
3. I’m busy now and I’m looking forward to our special time
later.
4. Thanks for helping. I appreciate it.
5. For our fun activity after our family meeting you can take
some time to teach us to be comedians.
6. I hear you, and I look forward to connecting with you as
soon as I can.
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Encouraging Statements
Power
1. I need your help. What ideas do you have to solve this
problem?
2. What is your understanding of our agreement?
3. I think we are in a power struggle. Let’s take some time to
calm down and then start over.
4. You are making some good points. It will be easier to listen
when we are both calmer.
5. I need your help and could really use your brain power.
6. What would help you the most—to put this challenge on
the family meeting agenda, or to find a solution on the
Wheel of Choice?
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Encouraging Statements
Revenge
1. When you hurt me or others, I know you are hurting. I’m so
sorry.
2. No wonder you are upset. You always get in trouble, and
your brother walks away without getting caught.
3. Why don’t we both take a break, cool off, and then come
back and try again.
4. When you hurt others, I wonder what you feel hurt about.
Want to talk about it now–or later?
5. Looks like you are having a really bad time right now. I
want you to know that I’m on your side.
6. Do you know I really care about you?
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Encouraging Statements
Assumed Inadequacy
1. Remember when you first tried to tie your shoes, and how
long it took till you were good at it?
2. How about doing a small step first?
3. Let’s do it together.
4. I’ll write the first letter and you write the next one. Okay?
5. I can’t remember how to use my iPad. I could really use
some help.
6. It’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how we learn.
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Iceberg Activity Encouraging Statements Handout
Undue Attention
• Would you be willing to use this timer to time me for three minutes on the
phone?
• Let’s make a deal. How about you get your homework done and we can
hang out for a few minutes after dinner.
• I’m busy now and I’m looking forward to our special time later.
• Thanks for helping. I appreciate it.
• For our fun activity after our family meeting you can take some time to
teach us to be comedians.
• I hear you, and I look forward to connecting with you as soon as I can.
Encouraging Statements Power
• I need your help. What ideas do you have to solve this problem?
• What is your understanding of our agreement?
• I think we are in a power struggle. Let’s take some time to calm down and
then start over.
• You are making some good points. It will be easier to listen when we are
both calmer.
• I need your help and could really use your brain power.
• What would help you the most—to put this challenge on the family
meeting agenda, or to find a solution on the Wheel of Choice?
Encouraging Statements Revenge
• When you hurt me or others, I know you are hurting. I’m so sorry.
• No wonder you are upset. You always get in trouble, and your brother
walks away without getting caught.
• Why don’t we both take a break, cool off, and then come back and try
again.
• When you hurt others, I wonder what you feel hurt about. Want to talk
about it now–or later?
• Looks like you are having a really bad time right now. I want you to know
that I’m on your side.
• Do you know I really care about you?
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
Encouraging StatementsAssumed Inadequacy
• Remember when you first tried to tie your shoes, and how long it took till
you were good at it?
• How about doing a small step first?
• Let’s do it together.
• I’ll write the first letter and you write the next one. Okay?
• I can’t remember how to use my iPad. I could really use some help.
• It’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how we learn.
For Any Mistaken Goal
• Would you be willing to work with me to figure out if you’d like to improve
your grade and if so, how you could go about that?
• When you’ve put away the equipment, we can move on to the next
activity.
• Let’s try it this way for a week and then we can re-evaluate.
• You can try again.
• I’ll let you know when I’m ready to try again.
• I wonder what you’re so upset, angry, hurt, annoyed, etc., about.
• Wow! You’re really angry, upset, annoyed, etc. Want to tell me about it?
• I feel ____________ because _____________ and I wish
_______________.
• (One word): Towels. Now. Later. Bedtime.
• I can tell this is really important to you.
• I can see how hard you worked on this and how much time went into it.
www.positivediscipline.com
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen
The iceberg was painted by Doug Bartsch, Visalia School District, CA.
You can create your own illustrations for this activity or have these blown up and
laminated.
www.positivediscipline.com