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Is There A Comic
In The House?
A Comedy in Two Acts
by
Billy St. John
A Samuel French Acting Edition
samuelfrench.com
Copyright © 1996 by Billy St. John
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? is subject to a royalty. It is
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reading, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. In its present
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COMIC IN THE HOUSE? are controlled exclusively by Samuel
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ISBN 978-0-573-69583-4
Printed in U.S.A.
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CAST DESCRIPTION
DELIAH OWENS is in her 50's. She's a dizzy comedienne
whose thoughts seem to come out of left field. She and her
husband, Phil Arnold, were once comedy club headliners; they
still have hopes of making a comeback.
PHIL ARNOLD is also in his 50's. He's Deliah's husband and
straight man, relaxed and casual in his delivery. He and Deliah
love each other very much.
ED EDWARDS is in his 30's, still looking for his big break. Ed
is a pushy, loud-mouthed comic who is great at insult humor.
One senses a warm heart beneath the rough exterior.
ZACK ZANEY is in his 20's. He is a wild man in appearance
and nature. He is a walking raw nerve end. He is always on the
verge of hyperventilating, and various words in his sentences
explode out of his mouth. He seems a millimeter away from a
nervous breakdown.
PEPPER RUSSELL is in her 30's. She considers herself to be
the modern woman 's comic. She is smart, tough, jaded, and has
a wry view of male/female relationships. She is always well
groomed and has an air ofsophistication.
GLORIA MONTEZ is in her 20's. She is primarily an actress
who has developed a stable ofeccentric characters who happen
to be funny. She shifts among these various personalities
throughout the play.
SHOTZIE STARR is in her 60's. She
IS outrageous m style and
appearance. A former headliner on the comeback trDil, Shotzie
wears wildly colorful and bizarre outfits Her ha1r looks as if
she combed it with a Mixmaster. She has the energy of a
teenager, and can spout one-liners with the best ofthem
TERRI COLLINS ism her 20's. Shotzie 's granddaughter, she is
pretty, intelligent, and good natured She's a college student,
and is the most "normal" person in the household.
MELORA HIGGENBOTHAM is 18. She's a wealthy, spoiled
heiress, very attractive. When she looses her snooty attitude,
she turns out to be a good kid
HOWARD PRICE is m hzs 20's. Terri's boyfriend, he's a pizza
delivery boy who aspires to be a comic someday. Hzs mobzle
features are more interesting than handsome, and are capable
of assuming amusing expressions. He's a nice guy.
HUEY is in his 20's. He's a kidnapper, not as bright as your
average light bulb. He 's a lumbering oaf. but somehow kind of
sweet despite his profession.
DEWEY zs in his 20's. He's the brains of the kidnappers, such as
they are. He's a weasely little guy with big ambitions.
LOUISE is in her 20's. She's the third kidnapper, a tough cookie.
She's jealous ofDewey, though Lord knows why.
VOICES:
MELISSA BLISS has the perfect diction of an experienced
news commentator. AL DELGATO has the authoritative voice
of a cop who's used to being obeyed. Rich guy CHAZ
POINDEXTER delivers his "Hi!" with great confidence.
TIME:
The Present.
PLACE:
The living room of Starr's Boardinghouse for comics in New York.
ACT I
One spring evening just after sunset.
ACT II
An hour later.
ACT I
(The setting is the living room of the Starr Boardinghouse, a
residence for stand-up com1cs - some on the way up,
others on the way down. The high-ceilinged room was
once part of an elegant town house in a fashionable part
of the city. Though the house - and the neighborhoodhave fallen from glory, there is still a hint ofgrandeur m
the spacious old room. A thick, paneled front door 1s UC.
A coat rack 1s SL of it. There are tall windows wzth long
drapes SL and SR of the door. In the UR corner is a
staircase which leads to a short landing. There is a rail
on the DS side of the landing; a banister leads from it
down the DS side of the stairs. The US edge of the
landing and stairs abuts the UR wall. There IS a
curtained doorway in the UR wall at the head of the
landing; it leads to the second floor bedrooms. A small
window is on the wall US ofthe landing.)
(In the UL corner of the room is an L-shaped counter like a
reservation desk in a hotel. Behind it are two stools and
a shelf of pigeon holes where the residents' mail and
messages are kept A telephone is on the counter. Th1s
entire US area can be placed on a platform with a step at
the center down into the main room.)
(Below the staircase where it meets the SR wall is a small
table and a chatr. On the table are a telephone for
residents' use, a pad and pencil, and a peanut can with a
slit in its plastic top through which the residents can drop
7
8
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
a dime for each call they make. On the side of the
staircase above the table is a bulletin board; on it are
thumb-tacked messages, fliers from comedy clubs, tryout
notices, newspaper chppings, reviews, and such.)
(A door that opens out is centered in the SR wall of the mam
floor section; it leads to a bathroom. A TV on a low table
is in the DR corner ofthe room facing UL, away from the
audience. A sofa DR is angled slightly toward it There
are two card tables with cloths DC and DL, each angled
with a corner facing DS. Each has four folding chmrs
around it. The residents eat at these tables, or play cards,
or just visit. A door hinged to swing both ways IS DL; it
leads to the kitchen)
(The walls are covered with a faded, patterned wallpaper,
another hint offaded elegance. The room has a beveled
baseboard, and an equally elaborate cornice board
along the top of the walls. A backdrop which depicts the
exteriors of several old homes of the same era as the
boardinghouse can be seen through the wmdows and the
front doorway when the door is open.)
(AT RISE: PHIL ARNOLD and DELIAH OWENS are seated
at the DC table playing cards, PHIL UR and DELIAH
UL. They are a married couple in their 50's who were
once headliners in the comedy club circUit. PHIL is the
straight man, very laid-back, while DELIAH is a dizzy
comedienne whose thoughts seem to come out of left
field. Their behavior on stage is no different than it is in
rea/life.)
(DELIAH draws a card from the deck and adds it to those in
her hand. She thinks a beat, then shifts it; thinks; shifts it
again, thinks; shifts two cards in her hand; thinks; shifts
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
9
another; thinks; rapidly shifts several cards around;
thinks; then slowly puts a card onto the stack on the table
that's face up as she continues to stare at her hand in
deep concentratiOn. Her fingers remain on the discard
until she's sure. Finally, she withdraws her hand from
the card played and says:)
DELIAH: Go fish.
PHIL: Deliah, we're playing rummy.
DELIAH: We are? (She lays down her hand) I win.
PHIL: (Tossing in his hand) Me and my big mouth.
DELIAH: Oh, Phil, your mouth isn't that big. Now my
cousin, Horace- he had a big mouth.
PHIL: How big was it?
DELIAH: Well, he used to stick his fist in it.
PHIL: That's pretty big. Why did he stick his fist in his
mouth?
DELIAH: He sucked his thumb a lot when he was a
baby, and I guess he just, you know ...
PHIL: Progressed from there.
DELIAH: Yeah.
PHIL: That's fascinating. Did he have crooked teeth?
DELIAH: Oh, no, his teeth were just as honest as the rest
of him.
(The phone SR rings. PHIL and DELIAH rise quickly. At the
same time, ED ED WARDS comes out of the bathroom,
SR, pulling his pants up over colorful boxer shorts ideally red hearts on a white background; ZACK ZANEY
enters from the kitchen DL, carrying a loaf of bread, a
jar ofpeanut butter, ajar ofje/ly, a knife, and a glass of
10
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
milk; PEPPER RUSSELL hurries through the doorway
UR onto the landing; and GLORIA MONTEZ rushes
through the front door UC.)
(ED EDWARDS, 30's is a wise guy with a forceful
personality. He specializes in insult humor.)
(ZACK ZANEY. 20's, is a wild man in appearance and
nature. He is a walking raw nerve end. He is always on
the verge of hyperventilating, and various words in his
sentences explode out of his mouth. He seems a
millimeter away from a nervous breakdown.)
(PEPPER RUSSELL, 30's, considers herselfto be the modern
woman 's comic. She is smart, tough, jaded, and has a
wry view ofmale/female relationships. She is always well
groomed and has an air oj sophistication.)
(GLORIA MONTEZ, 20's, is primarily an actress who has
developed a stable ofeccentric characters who happen to
be funny. She shifts among these various personalities
throughout the play.)
ED: (Grabbing the phone which leaves him holding up
his pants with one hand - unsuccessfully) Starr
Boardinghouse!
THE OTHERS: (Excited) Is it for me?
ED: No, we don't need any magazine subscriptions,
dummy! (The others slump, disappointed) Nobody here is
literate enough to read a magazine! We're comics - all we
know how to read are contracts ... not that any of us have seen
any lately.
DELIAH: (To no one in particular) I can read Variety.
ED: Premiere? Entertainment Weekly? Why would we
want to look at those rags? All the pictures in them are of
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
II
stars! We hate stars - they're taking up our space! (Pause)
Well, the same to you, schmuck! Do your mother a favor,
nose pick, and go jump off the Brooklyn Bridge!
(He slams down the phone.)
ZACK: That's telling him, ED! I was hoping that CALL
was from my AGENT
ED: It was y...,ur agent; he's trying to fmd a line of work
where he can make some money.
PEPPER: Oh, put your pants on, Ed.
ED: You don't fool me, Pepper. You love it when I flash
my shorts.
GLORIA: Those are shorts? I thought they were tattoos.
ED: (Dismissively) Ah ...
(He exits into the bathroom.)
(PHIL and DELIAH return to their table. PHIL shuffles the
cards. ZACK sits at the DL table and makes a sandwich.
PEPPER comes down the stairs to GLORIA who hangs
her coat on the rack by the door.)
PEPPER: Good line, Gloria.
GLORIA: Thanks. Just don't let me catch it in your act.
PEPPER: Don't worry- it's not THAT good.
GLORIA: Anyway, right now I am not Gloria- right
now I am the super-hip, to-tal-ly street-wise Connie Cool.
(She takes a pair ofsun glasses from her coat pocket and puts
them on. She assumes her character's persona - sassy walk,
cocky poses, and "with it" expressions) Like, yo, mama,
gimme five!
12
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
(PEPPER holds up a hand which GLORIA smacks in a highfcve.)
PEPPER: Ow! Careful with the nails. They cost a
fortune. Besides, I need them - who knows when I might run
into my ex-husband?
(They cross to the sofa DR.)
GLORIA: Girl friend, are you still carrying on about ol'
what's-his-name?
PEPPER: Leonard. Leonard the louse. The entire eight
years I was married to him was a living nightmare. He kept
me a nervous wreck - I made Zack over there look comatose
by comparison. I gnawed my fmgemails to the quick. The day
Lenny Loser told me he was dumping me for some exotic
dancer bed met in a cheap dive, I would have clawed his eyes
out, but I couldn't spare the cartilage.
GLORIA: That's a bummer. But you gotta, you know,
forget him and get on with your life.
(They sit on the sofa.)
PEPPER: Forget him? I can't forget him. Zapping
Leonard is my life's work. I told my friends all the horrible
things I could think of about Leonard, and you know what?
They laughed. When I strung all of my stories together, I had
a nightclub act. If I ever get my big break, Leonard will
fmally support me, the crumb.
GLORIA: That's cool. In a situation like yours, it's a
wife's duty to take her husband to the cleaners.
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
I3
DELIAH: Now, that's silly. Phil always drip-dries just
fme.
PHIL: (To GLORIA) Don't ask. (To DELIAH) Cut the
cards.
(DELIAH looks at ZACK who is spreading jelly on a slice of
bread with the lcnife.)
DELIAH: May I ... ?
PHIL: (Cutting in) Never mind. I'll do it.
(He cuts the deck)
ZACK: (To PHIL) I love the way you and DEliah work
together, PHIL. I was THINKing -maybe I should get a
PARTner. Hey, GLORIA, you want to be my PARTner?
GLORIA: (Imitating him) Zack, you don't need a
PARTner- you need a KEEPer.
ZACK: I'm just a little HIGH-STRUNG.
PEPPER: A little? I've seen telephone lines closer to the
ground. Zack, darling, you should skip the jelly and eat
peanut butter and Prozac sandwiches. You could pretend it's
Peter Pan extra crunchy.
ZACK: But if I calm DOWN, I won't be able to
perFORM.
PEPPER: Well, there you are; who wants to function
when you can perform instead?
GLORIA, PHIL & ZACK: Not me.
DELIAH: I'll have to think about it.
GLORIA: Take your time, Deliah. Like, nobody's
busting down the door for any of us.
14
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
PEPPER: Our tum will come. We just have to be ready
for the big break when it arrives.
GLORIA: Ready? Honey, I been ready! My mama said
to watch and listen for an omen. She said there's always a
sign before a major happening. So I watch ... and listen ...
(EVERYONE listens intently. There is the sound of a toilet
flushing off SR. The door opens and ED enters, buckling
his belt. EVERYONE looks at him, disappointed.)
ED: What? I struck a match. What's for dinner?
ZACK: Mrs. STARR is boiling SOMEthing on the
STOVE. It's GRAY.
(This announcement brings a wary expression to everyone
else's face. After a beat, ED crosses to ZA CK.)
ED: Pass the peanut butter.
(He will sit with ZACK at the table DL and make himself a
sandwich.)
PEPPER: There's one good thing about staying at
Shotzie's boardinghouse - her meals make dieting a
necessity.
GLORIA: Ain't it the truth!
(SHOTZIE STARR bursts through the doorway DL, wearing
an apron. a chefs hat and carrying a ladle. She is in her
60's, but has the energy of a teenager. She wears wildly
colorful, bizarre outfits. Her hair looks as if she combed
it with a Mixmaster.)
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
15
SHOTZIE: Soup's on! Well, it's not really soup, but
that's close enough. Who's ready for din-din? (The others
mutter something about not being very hungry.) (Crossing to
DRC between the sofa and the DC table) Come on, gang!
You have to keep your strength up! Think of food as a bra for
your whole body!
GLORIA: Uh, Shotzie, just what is it you've cooked for
dinner?
SHOTZIE: It's a secret recipe. I call it "Mystery Meat."
PEPPER: I figured out your secret, Shotzie: you buy
whatever's on sale in the meat department, and boil it with a
package of Lipton's Onion Soup Mix.
SHOTZIE: So? With the prices of food these days, be
glad I'm not serving Kennel Rations.
ED: There's a difference?
SHOTZIE: What can I say? I never planned to be a cook.
I never planned to be a landlady. I'm an entertainer, for Pete's
sake! When I make my comeback, I'll treat all of you to a
feast fit for royalty.
ZACK: You mean DINNER at a fancy RESTAURANT?
SHOTZIE: (Imitating him) No, I mean TAKE-out at a
Burger KING.
GLORIA: You all heard that. You're all witnesses.
DELIAH: I'll wear my diamond headband.
PHIL: Deliah, you don't own a diamond headband.
DELIAH: I don't? What's that glittery thing I put around
my head that always gives me a headache?
PHIL: A rhinestone garter.
ED: (To SH01ZIE) Why did you have to mention real
food? I'm salivating at just the thought of it.
GLORIA: I wish you wouldn't, like, do it when you're
eating grape jelly- you've got purple drool on your chin.
16
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
ED: I don't have a napkin. Gimme that.
(He takes a slice of bread from ZACK's loaf and wipes his
chin with it.)
ZACK: Hey! My bread!
ED: What? I'm gonna give it back.
SHOTZIE: (Crossing to DL) Do what you want about
dinner. I'll put the meat on low.
(She exits DL.)
ED: (Calling after her) I've got a better suggestion: put
it in the garbage!
PEPPER: There's no room ; the trash can if full of empty
Lipton soup envelopes.
(TERRI COLLINS enters UC, wearing a jacket and carrying
a knapsack full of textbooks. TERRI, 20, is Shotzie 's
granddaughter. She attends college, majoring in
Business Administration, and handles the bookkeeping
for the boardinghouse. She is pretty, intelligent, and
good natured.)
TERRI: Hi, guys. What's up?
(The others ad-lib greetings to TERRI. She will put her
knapsack on the counter UL, hang up her jacket on the
coat rack, sit on a stool behind the counter, and start on
her homework.)
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
17
PEPPER: How did you do in school today? Make all
A's? Get elected class president? Find a cure for PMS?
TERRI: (Laughing) None of the above. I went to
bookkeeping class, stenography class, then to the library.
Sorry to disappoint you. Where's Grandmother Shotzie?
ED: She's in the kitchen conducting unholy experiments
with the food. (Jumping up; imitating Dr. Frankenstein) "It's
alive! Do you hear? It's alive!"
ZACK: (Jumping up; arms out stiffly, imitating the
monster) "Make me a MATE!"
PEPPER: (To GLORIA) Now there's a gruesome
thought.
ED: I'm way ahead of you. Your bride's in there.
(Indicating the kitchen) Come on- I'll introduce you.
(They gather their sandwich items and exit into the kitchen
DL PEPPER picks up a TV Guide from the sofa arm and
starts glancing through it.)
GLORIA: (Rising) They're not, like, making fun of
Shotzie, Terri. They're just jiving.
TERRI: Oh, I know. I figured out a long time ago that
when Ed picks on you, it's his way of showing he likes you.
PEPPER: His act's not bad. A lot of people like insult
humor.
GLORIA: (Crossing to the coat rack UC) Yeah, well,
he's lucky he's found his niche. I'm still looking for mine.
(She removes her sun glasses and puts them into her coat
pocket there. She drops the character's guise.)
18
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
TERRI: Connie Cool's coming along okay.
GLORIA: I guess. I can't get into her tonight. I'm going
up to my room and work on some of my other characters.
TERRI: Do you want me to call you when dinner's
ready?
GLORIA: It's ready. I think I'd rather dig through my
pockets and see if I can fmd an old Life Saver, or something.
TERRI: Yuck. Whenever I fmd old candy in a pocket,
it's always covered with lint.
GLORIA: Mine, too. I can use the fiber. See you later.
(She exits up the stairs.)
DELIAH: Are we going to play some more cards?
PHIL: Maybe later. I'm starved. (Rising) In spite of
everyone's aversion to Shotzie's cooking, I'm willing to give
her dinner a try. What about you?
DELIAH: (Rising) Sure. I'd die before I hurt Shotzie's
feelings.
PHIL: It's defmitely a possibility. Excuse us, ladies.
(He and DELIAH exit DL.)
PEPPER: (Laying the TV Guide aside, mmg and
crossing US) I don't have much of an appetite. If you want to
eat, I' 11 grab the desk phone if it rings.
TERRI: I don't know ... What did Grandmother Shotzie
make for dinner tonight?
PEPPER: Her famous "Mystery Meat."
TERRI: I'll pass. The last time I ate her "Mystery Meat,"
it gave me a terrible nightmare. I dreamed I was being chased
by an eight foot taU Bermuda onion.
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
19
PEPPER: I've got an idea. If you want to call Howard
and have him deliver a pizza, I'll buy a slice from you. I've
saved up eighty-five cents and two subway tokens.
TERRI: (Reaching for the desk phone) It's a deal!
PEPPER: I thought you'd go for it if it gave you a chance
to see Howard during his working hours.
TERRI: (Grinning) I sure will. He's my sweetie.
PEPPER: (Returning to the sofa and picking up a remote
from the sofa arm) I'm going to watch a little TV. I'll keep the
sound down.
(She sits.)
(As TERRI dials a number and orders a pizza, PEPPER turns
on the TV. We hear the commentator, MELISSA BLISS,
against a background of street noises.)
MELISSA: (Voice) ... and welcome to the annual New
York Debutante Ball. This is Melissa Bliss outside the
fabulous Plaza Hotel where we'll televise the glamorous
young debs as they arrive with their handsome escorts for the
grandest dinner/dance of the year.
PEPPER: How careless of me - I must have mislaid my
invitation.
MELISSA: Here's our first arrival now, alighting from
her limousine. Why, it's Babs Vanderhoff, wearing a
stunning gown of layered green taffeta.
PEPPER: The girl looks like a head oflettuce!- a HUGE
head of lettuce. You could douse her in honey mustard
dressing and serve her to a regiment.
(ED and ZACK enter DL. They will cross to above the sofa.)
20
IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE?
ED: One of us has got to get a gig soon. If we run out of
money to buy bread and peanut butter, we're doomed.
ZACK: You got that RIGHT!
PEPPER: (Muting the sound on the remote) Well, Ed,
does the entree look as bad as Zack described it?
ED: Let me put it this way: that meat shouldn't be served,
it should be autopsied.
ZACK: Terri's here. Hi, TERRI.
(TERRI covers the mouthpiece and waves. ED gives her a
quick wave. ZACK sits on the back of the sofa on one hip
and ED leans over the back.)
ED: What are you watching?
PEPPER: The Debutante Ball.
ZACK: Hey, she's CUTE. Wonder if she dates
COMICS?
PEPPER: A society girl? Are you kidding? Her type
would never lower themselves to date us peons in show
business.
ZACK: But Maria Shriver MARRIED Arnold
SchwarzenEGGER.
PEPPER: Yeah, well, he probably twisted her arm
behind her back till she said yes.
ED: (Straightening up, pretending to be a preacher) "Do
you, Maria, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded
husband?" (Switching to Maria, twisting his arm behind his
back, doubling over, using a falsetto voice) "I do! Oh, boy,
that smarts! I do! I do! I do!
ZACK: Tum up the SOUND.
(PEPPER turns up the sound.)
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