Please Enjoy the Following Sample • This sample is an excerpt from a Samuel French title. • This sample is for perusal only and may not be used for performance purposes. • You may not download, print, or distribute this excerpt. • We highly recommend purchasing a copy of the title before considering for performance. For more information about licensing or purchasing a play or musical, please visit our websites www.samuelfrench.com www.samuelfrench-london.co.uk Is There A Comic In The House? A Comedy in Two Acts by Billy St. John A Samuel French Acting Edition samuelfrench.com Copyright © 1996 by Billy St. John ALL RIGHTS RESERVED CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. In its present form the play is dedicated to the reading public only. The amateur live stage performance rights to IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? are controlled exclusively by Samuel French, Inc., and royalty arrangements and licenses must be secured well in advance of presentation. PLEASE NOTE that amateur royalty fees are set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. When applying for a royalty quotation and license please give us the number of performances intended, dates of production, your seating capacity and admission fee. Royalties are payable one week before the opening performance of the play to Samuel French, Inc., at 45 W. 25th Street, New York, NY 10010. Royalty of the required amount must be paid whether the play is presented for charity or gain and whether or not admission is charged. Stock royalty quoted upon application to Samuel French, Inc. For all other rights than those stipulated above, apply to: Samuel French, Inc. Particular emphasis is laid on the question of amateur or professional readings, permission and terms for which must be secured in writing from Samuel French, Inc. Copying from this book in whole or in part is strictly forbidden by law, and the right of performance is not transferable. Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play: “Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French, Inc.” Due authorship credit must be given on all programs, printing and advertising for the play. ISBN 978-0-573-69583-4 Printed in U.S.A. #11919 No one shall commit or authorize any act or omission by which the copyright of, or the right to copyright, this play may be impaired. No one shall make any changes in this play for the purpose of production Publication of this play does not imply availability for performance. Both amateurs and professionals considering a production are strongly advised in their own interests to apply to Samuel French, Inc., for written permission before starting rehearsals, advertising, or booking a theatre. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, now known or yet to be invented, mcluding mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, videotaping, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS All producers of IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? must give credit to the Author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production. The name of the Author must also appear on a separate line, on which no other name appears, immediately following the title, and must appear in size of type not less than fifty percent the size of the title type. CAST DESCRIPTION DELIAH OWENS is in her 50's. She's a dizzy comedienne whose thoughts seem to come out of left field. She and her husband, Phil Arnold, were once comedy club headliners; they still have hopes of making a comeback. PHIL ARNOLD is also in his 50's. He's Deliah's husband and straight man, relaxed and casual in his delivery. He and Deliah love each other very much. ED EDWARDS is in his 30's, still looking for his big break. Ed is a pushy, loud-mouthed comic who is great at insult humor. One senses a warm heart beneath the rough exterior. ZACK ZANEY is in his 20's. He is a wild man in appearance and nature. He is a walking raw nerve end. He is always on the verge of hyperventilating, and various words in his sentences explode out of his mouth. He seems a millimeter away from a nervous breakdown. PEPPER RUSSELL is in her 30's. She considers herself to be the modern woman 's comic. She is smart, tough, jaded, and has a wry view of male/female relationships. She is always well groomed and has an air ofsophistication. GLORIA MONTEZ is in her 20's. She is primarily an actress who has developed a stable ofeccentric characters who happen to be funny. She shifts among these various personalities throughout the play. SHOTZIE STARR is in her 60's. She IS outrageous m style and appearance. A former headliner on the comeback trDil, Shotzie wears wildly colorful and bizarre outfits Her ha1r looks as if she combed it with a Mixmaster. She has the energy of a teenager, and can spout one-liners with the best ofthem TERRI COLLINS ism her 20's. Shotzie 's granddaughter, she is pretty, intelligent, and good natured She's a college student, and is the most "normal" person in the household. MELORA HIGGENBOTHAM is 18. She's a wealthy, spoiled heiress, very attractive. When she looses her snooty attitude, she turns out to be a good kid HOWARD PRICE is m hzs 20's. Terri's boyfriend, he's a pizza delivery boy who aspires to be a comic someday. Hzs mobzle features are more interesting than handsome, and are capable of assuming amusing expressions. He's a nice guy. HUEY is in his 20's. He's a kidnapper, not as bright as your average light bulb. He 's a lumbering oaf. but somehow kind of sweet despite his profession. DEWEY zs in his 20's. He's the brains of the kidnappers, such as they are. He's a weasely little guy with big ambitions. LOUISE is in her 20's. She's the third kidnapper, a tough cookie. She's jealous ofDewey, though Lord knows why. VOICES: MELISSA BLISS has the perfect diction of an experienced news commentator. AL DELGATO has the authoritative voice of a cop who's used to being obeyed. Rich guy CHAZ POINDEXTER delivers his "Hi!" with great confidence. TIME: The Present. PLACE: The living room of Starr's Boardinghouse for comics in New York. ACT I One spring evening just after sunset. ACT II An hour later. ACT I (The setting is the living room of the Starr Boardinghouse, a residence for stand-up com1cs - some on the way up, others on the way down. The high-ceilinged room was once part of an elegant town house in a fashionable part of the city. Though the house - and the neighborhoodhave fallen from glory, there is still a hint ofgrandeur m the spacious old room. A thick, paneled front door 1s UC. A coat rack 1s SL of it. There are tall windows wzth long drapes SL and SR of the door. In the UR corner is a staircase which leads to a short landing. There is a rail on the DS side of the landing; a banister leads from it down the DS side of the stairs. The US edge of the landing and stairs abuts the UR wall. There IS a curtained doorway in the UR wall at the head of the landing; it leads to the second floor bedrooms. A small window is on the wall US ofthe landing.) (In the UL corner of the room is an L-shaped counter like a reservation desk in a hotel. Behind it are two stools and a shelf of pigeon holes where the residents' mail and messages are kept A telephone is on the counter. Th1s entire US area can be placed on a platform with a step at the center down into the main room.) (Below the staircase where it meets the SR wall is a small table and a chatr. On the table are a telephone for residents' use, a pad and pencil, and a peanut can with a slit in its plastic top through which the residents can drop 7 8 IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? a dime for each call they make. On the side of the staircase above the table is a bulletin board; on it are thumb-tacked messages, fliers from comedy clubs, tryout notices, newspaper chppings, reviews, and such.) (A door that opens out is centered in the SR wall of the mam floor section; it leads to a bathroom. A TV on a low table is in the DR corner ofthe room facing UL, away from the audience. A sofa DR is angled slightly toward it There are two card tables with cloths DC and DL, each angled with a corner facing DS. Each has four folding chmrs around it. The residents eat at these tables, or play cards, or just visit. A door hinged to swing both ways IS DL; it leads to the kitchen) (The walls are covered with a faded, patterned wallpaper, another hint offaded elegance. The room has a beveled baseboard, and an equally elaborate cornice board along the top of the walls. A backdrop which depicts the exteriors of several old homes of the same era as the boardinghouse can be seen through the wmdows and the front doorway when the door is open.) (AT RISE: PHIL ARNOLD and DELIAH OWENS are seated at the DC table playing cards, PHIL UR and DELIAH UL. They are a married couple in their 50's who were once headliners in the comedy club circUit. PHIL is the straight man, very laid-back, while DELIAH is a dizzy comedienne whose thoughts seem to come out of left field. Their behavior on stage is no different than it is in rea/life.) (DELIAH draws a card from the deck and adds it to those in her hand. She thinks a beat, then shifts it; thinks; shifts it again, thinks; shifts two cards in her hand; thinks; shifts IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? 9 another; thinks; rapidly shifts several cards around; thinks; then slowly puts a card onto the stack on the table that's face up as she continues to stare at her hand in deep concentratiOn. Her fingers remain on the discard until she's sure. Finally, she withdraws her hand from the card played and says:) DELIAH: Go fish. PHIL: Deliah, we're playing rummy. DELIAH: We are? (She lays down her hand) I win. PHIL: (Tossing in his hand) Me and my big mouth. DELIAH: Oh, Phil, your mouth isn't that big. Now my cousin, Horace- he had a big mouth. PHIL: How big was it? DELIAH: Well, he used to stick his fist in it. PHIL: That's pretty big. Why did he stick his fist in his mouth? DELIAH: He sucked his thumb a lot when he was a baby, and I guess he just, you know ... PHIL: Progressed from there. DELIAH: Yeah. PHIL: That's fascinating. Did he have crooked teeth? DELIAH: Oh, no, his teeth were just as honest as the rest of him. (The phone SR rings. PHIL and DELIAH rise quickly. At the same time, ED ED WARDS comes out of the bathroom, SR, pulling his pants up over colorful boxer shorts ideally red hearts on a white background; ZACK ZANEY enters from the kitchen DL, carrying a loaf of bread, a jar ofpeanut butter, ajar ofje/ly, a knife, and a glass of 10 IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? milk; PEPPER RUSSELL hurries through the doorway UR onto the landing; and GLORIA MONTEZ rushes through the front door UC.) (ED EDWARDS, 30's is a wise guy with a forceful personality. He specializes in insult humor.) (ZACK ZANEY. 20's, is a wild man in appearance and nature. He is a walking raw nerve end. He is always on the verge of hyperventilating, and various words in his sentences explode out of his mouth. He seems a millimeter away from a nervous breakdown.) (PEPPER RUSSELL, 30's, considers herselfto be the modern woman 's comic. She is smart, tough, jaded, and has a wry view ofmale/female relationships. She is always well groomed and has an air oj sophistication.) (GLORIA MONTEZ, 20's, is primarily an actress who has developed a stable ofeccentric characters who happen to be funny. She shifts among these various personalities throughout the play.) ED: (Grabbing the phone which leaves him holding up his pants with one hand - unsuccessfully) Starr Boardinghouse! THE OTHERS: (Excited) Is it for me? ED: No, we don't need any magazine subscriptions, dummy! (The others slump, disappointed) Nobody here is literate enough to read a magazine! We're comics - all we know how to read are contracts ... not that any of us have seen any lately. DELIAH: (To no one in particular) I can read Variety. ED: Premiere? Entertainment Weekly? Why would we want to look at those rags? All the pictures in them are of IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? II stars! We hate stars - they're taking up our space! (Pause) Well, the same to you, schmuck! Do your mother a favor, nose pick, and go jump off the Brooklyn Bridge! (He slams down the phone.) ZACK: That's telling him, ED! I was hoping that CALL was from my AGENT ED: It was y...,ur agent; he's trying to fmd a line of work where he can make some money. PEPPER: Oh, put your pants on, Ed. ED: You don't fool me, Pepper. You love it when I flash my shorts. GLORIA: Those are shorts? I thought they were tattoos. ED: (Dismissively) Ah ... (He exits into the bathroom.) (PHIL and DELIAH return to their table. PHIL shuffles the cards. ZACK sits at the DL table and makes a sandwich. PEPPER comes down the stairs to GLORIA who hangs her coat on the rack by the door.) PEPPER: Good line, Gloria. GLORIA: Thanks. Just don't let me catch it in your act. PEPPER: Don't worry- it's not THAT good. GLORIA: Anyway, right now I am not Gloria- right now I am the super-hip, to-tal-ly street-wise Connie Cool. (She takes a pair ofsun glasses from her coat pocket and puts them on. She assumes her character's persona - sassy walk, cocky poses, and "with it" expressions) Like, yo, mama, gimme five! 12 IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? (PEPPER holds up a hand which GLORIA smacks in a highfcve.) PEPPER: Ow! Careful with the nails. They cost a fortune. Besides, I need them - who knows when I might run into my ex-husband? (They cross to the sofa DR.) GLORIA: Girl friend, are you still carrying on about ol' what's-his-name? PEPPER: Leonard. Leonard the louse. The entire eight years I was married to him was a living nightmare. He kept me a nervous wreck - I made Zack over there look comatose by comparison. I gnawed my fmgemails to the quick. The day Lenny Loser told me he was dumping me for some exotic dancer bed met in a cheap dive, I would have clawed his eyes out, but I couldn't spare the cartilage. GLORIA: That's a bummer. But you gotta, you know, forget him and get on with your life. (They sit on the sofa.) PEPPER: Forget him? I can't forget him. Zapping Leonard is my life's work. I told my friends all the horrible things I could think of about Leonard, and you know what? They laughed. When I strung all of my stories together, I had a nightclub act. If I ever get my big break, Leonard will fmally support me, the crumb. GLORIA: That's cool. In a situation like yours, it's a wife's duty to take her husband to the cleaners. IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? I3 DELIAH: Now, that's silly. Phil always drip-dries just fme. PHIL: (To GLORIA) Don't ask. (To DELIAH) Cut the cards. (DELIAH looks at ZACK who is spreading jelly on a slice of bread with the lcnife.) DELIAH: May I ... ? PHIL: (Cutting in) Never mind. I'll do it. (He cuts the deck) ZACK: (To PHIL) I love the way you and DEliah work together, PHIL. I was THINKing -maybe I should get a PARTner. Hey, GLORIA, you want to be my PARTner? GLORIA: (Imitating him) Zack, you don't need a PARTner- you need a KEEPer. ZACK: I'm just a little HIGH-STRUNG. PEPPER: A little? I've seen telephone lines closer to the ground. Zack, darling, you should skip the jelly and eat peanut butter and Prozac sandwiches. You could pretend it's Peter Pan extra crunchy. ZACK: But if I calm DOWN, I won't be able to perFORM. PEPPER: Well, there you are; who wants to function when you can perform instead? GLORIA, PHIL & ZACK: Not me. DELIAH: I'll have to think about it. GLORIA: Take your time, Deliah. Like, nobody's busting down the door for any of us. 14 IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? PEPPER: Our tum will come. We just have to be ready for the big break when it arrives. GLORIA: Ready? Honey, I been ready! My mama said to watch and listen for an omen. She said there's always a sign before a major happening. So I watch ... and listen ... (EVERYONE listens intently. There is the sound of a toilet flushing off SR. The door opens and ED enters, buckling his belt. EVERYONE looks at him, disappointed.) ED: What? I struck a match. What's for dinner? ZACK: Mrs. STARR is boiling SOMEthing on the STOVE. It's GRAY. (This announcement brings a wary expression to everyone else's face. After a beat, ED crosses to ZA CK.) ED: Pass the peanut butter. (He will sit with ZACK at the table DL and make himself a sandwich.) PEPPER: There's one good thing about staying at Shotzie's boardinghouse - her meals make dieting a necessity. GLORIA: Ain't it the truth! (SHOTZIE STARR bursts through the doorway DL, wearing an apron. a chefs hat and carrying a ladle. She is in her 60's, but has the energy of a teenager. She wears wildly colorful, bizarre outfits. Her hair looks as if she combed it with a Mixmaster.) IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? 15 SHOTZIE: Soup's on! Well, it's not really soup, but that's close enough. Who's ready for din-din? (The others mutter something about not being very hungry.) (Crossing to DRC between the sofa and the DC table) Come on, gang! You have to keep your strength up! Think of food as a bra for your whole body! GLORIA: Uh, Shotzie, just what is it you've cooked for dinner? SHOTZIE: It's a secret recipe. I call it "Mystery Meat." PEPPER: I figured out your secret, Shotzie: you buy whatever's on sale in the meat department, and boil it with a package of Lipton's Onion Soup Mix. SHOTZIE: So? With the prices of food these days, be glad I'm not serving Kennel Rations. ED: There's a difference? SHOTZIE: What can I say? I never planned to be a cook. I never planned to be a landlady. I'm an entertainer, for Pete's sake! When I make my comeback, I'll treat all of you to a feast fit for royalty. ZACK: You mean DINNER at a fancy RESTAURANT? SHOTZIE: (Imitating him) No, I mean TAKE-out at a Burger KING. GLORIA: You all heard that. You're all witnesses. DELIAH: I'll wear my diamond headband. PHIL: Deliah, you don't own a diamond headband. DELIAH: I don't? What's that glittery thing I put around my head that always gives me a headache? PHIL: A rhinestone garter. ED: (To SH01ZIE) Why did you have to mention real food? I'm salivating at just the thought of it. GLORIA: I wish you wouldn't, like, do it when you're eating grape jelly- you've got purple drool on your chin. 16 IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? ED: I don't have a napkin. Gimme that. (He takes a slice of bread from ZACK's loaf and wipes his chin with it.) ZACK: Hey! My bread! ED: What? I'm gonna give it back. SHOTZIE: (Crossing to DL) Do what you want about dinner. I'll put the meat on low. (She exits DL.) ED: (Calling after her) I've got a better suggestion: put it in the garbage! PEPPER: There's no room ; the trash can if full of empty Lipton soup envelopes. (TERRI COLLINS enters UC, wearing a jacket and carrying a knapsack full of textbooks. TERRI, 20, is Shotzie 's granddaughter. She attends college, majoring in Business Administration, and handles the bookkeeping for the boardinghouse. She is pretty, intelligent, and good natured.) TERRI: Hi, guys. What's up? (The others ad-lib greetings to TERRI. She will put her knapsack on the counter UL, hang up her jacket on the coat rack, sit on a stool behind the counter, and start on her homework.) IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? 17 PEPPER: How did you do in school today? Make all A's? Get elected class president? Find a cure for PMS? TERRI: (Laughing) None of the above. I went to bookkeeping class, stenography class, then to the library. Sorry to disappoint you. Where's Grandmother Shotzie? ED: She's in the kitchen conducting unholy experiments with the food. (Jumping up; imitating Dr. Frankenstein) "It's alive! Do you hear? It's alive!" ZACK: (Jumping up; arms out stiffly, imitating the monster) "Make me a MATE!" PEPPER: (To GLORIA) Now there's a gruesome thought. ED: I'm way ahead of you. Your bride's in there. (Indicating the kitchen) Come on- I'll introduce you. (They gather their sandwich items and exit into the kitchen DL PEPPER picks up a TV Guide from the sofa arm and starts glancing through it.) GLORIA: (Rising) They're not, like, making fun of Shotzie, Terri. They're just jiving. TERRI: Oh, I know. I figured out a long time ago that when Ed picks on you, it's his way of showing he likes you. PEPPER: His act's not bad. A lot of people like insult humor. GLORIA: (Crossing to the coat rack UC) Yeah, well, he's lucky he's found his niche. I'm still looking for mine. (She removes her sun glasses and puts them into her coat pocket there. She drops the character's guise.) 18 IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? TERRI: Connie Cool's coming along okay. GLORIA: I guess. I can't get into her tonight. I'm going up to my room and work on some of my other characters. TERRI: Do you want me to call you when dinner's ready? GLORIA: It's ready. I think I'd rather dig through my pockets and see if I can fmd an old Life Saver, or something. TERRI: Yuck. Whenever I fmd old candy in a pocket, it's always covered with lint. GLORIA: Mine, too. I can use the fiber. See you later. (She exits up the stairs.) DELIAH: Are we going to play some more cards? PHIL: Maybe later. I'm starved. (Rising) In spite of everyone's aversion to Shotzie's cooking, I'm willing to give her dinner a try. What about you? DELIAH: (Rising) Sure. I'd die before I hurt Shotzie's feelings. PHIL: It's defmitely a possibility. Excuse us, ladies. (He and DELIAH exit DL.) PEPPER: (Laying the TV Guide aside, mmg and crossing US) I don't have much of an appetite. If you want to eat, I' 11 grab the desk phone if it rings. TERRI: I don't know ... What did Grandmother Shotzie make for dinner tonight? PEPPER: Her famous "Mystery Meat." TERRI: I'll pass. The last time I ate her "Mystery Meat," it gave me a terrible nightmare. I dreamed I was being chased by an eight foot taU Bermuda onion. IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? 19 PEPPER: I've got an idea. If you want to call Howard and have him deliver a pizza, I'll buy a slice from you. I've saved up eighty-five cents and two subway tokens. TERRI: (Reaching for the desk phone) It's a deal! PEPPER: I thought you'd go for it if it gave you a chance to see Howard during his working hours. TERRI: (Grinning) I sure will. He's my sweetie. PEPPER: (Returning to the sofa and picking up a remote from the sofa arm) I'm going to watch a little TV. I'll keep the sound down. (She sits.) (As TERRI dials a number and orders a pizza, PEPPER turns on the TV. We hear the commentator, MELISSA BLISS, against a background of street noises.) MELISSA: (Voice) ... and welcome to the annual New York Debutante Ball. This is Melissa Bliss outside the fabulous Plaza Hotel where we'll televise the glamorous young debs as they arrive with their handsome escorts for the grandest dinner/dance of the year. PEPPER: How careless of me - I must have mislaid my invitation. MELISSA: Here's our first arrival now, alighting from her limousine. Why, it's Babs Vanderhoff, wearing a stunning gown of layered green taffeta. PEPPER: The girl looks like a head oflettuce!- a HUGE head of lettuce. You could douse her in honey mustard dressing and serve her to a regiment. (ED and ZACK enter DL. They will cross to above the sofa.) 20 IS THERE A COMIC IN THE HOUSE? ED: One of us has got to get a gig soon. If we run out of money to buy bread and peanut butter, we're doomed. ZACK: You got that RIGHT! PEPPER: (Muting the sound on the remote) Well, Ed, does the entree look as bad as Zack described it? ED: Let me put it this way: that meat shouldn't be served, it should be autopsied. ZACK: Terri's here. Hi, TERRI. (TERRI covers the mouthpiece and waves. ED gives her a quick wave. ZACK sits on the back of the sofa on one hip and ED leans over the back.) ED: What are you watching? PEPPER: The Debutante Ball. ZACK: Hey, she's CUTE. Wonder if she dates COMICS? PEPPER: A society girl? Are you kidding? Her type would never lower themselves to date us peons in show business. ZACK: But Maria Shriver MARRIED Arnold SchwarzenEGGER. PEPPER: Yeah, well, he probably twisted her arm behind her back till she said yes. ED: (Straightening up, pretending to be a preacher) "Do you, Maria, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded husband?" (Switching to Maria, twisting his arm behind his back, doubling over, using a falsetto voice) "I do! Oh, boy, that smarts! I do! I do! I do! ZACK: Tum up the SOUND. (PEPPER turns up the sound.) Hungry for More? This is a Sample of the Script Buy the full script and explore other titles www.samuelfrench.com www.samuelfrench-london.co.uk Titles are subject to availability depending on your territory.
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