frontline behind bars
An Easter farce
© The Wind in
the Willows.
Illustration
by Michael
Hague.
Down by the river, Toad is hatching a new plan for
best value contracts. Jeannie Mackie is concerned
“E
aster won’t be Easter without
any Easter eggs,” Mole said,
sadly. “WHY don’t we have
any money?”
“Because Toad wasted it all,” said Ratty,
adding up figures with a stub of pencil on
the back of an envelope.
“I say chaps that’s not quite fair,” Toad
replied, snapping his new red braces against
his toady tummy, “Toad Hall needed
refurbishing – and a chap deserves a bonus
or two for all his hard work.”
“Remind me, what was the hard work
precisely?” asked Ratty, mildly enough for
a rodent.
“ Well – er – you know – I lent all that
money to those scurvy low class animals
who didn’t pay it back, and I had to get some
more to pay it back to myself. And I did. SO
there,” said Toad.
“Oh good – so you got it back – does that
mean we can have Easter eggs after all?”
cried Mole excitedly. He did not
understand finance.
“You don’t understand finance Mole,”
they all said.
“As opposed to me! ME!” cried Toad,
“Magnificent Money Making Me! I’m sure
there’s a song in there somewhere.”And he
began to hum.
“That’s the Eton boating song you silly
animal – and you’re out of tune as well,”
said Badger, morosely. Badger was more
morose than usual, being a bit worried
about his breathing – breath came harder
these days.
“Well” said Ratty, “if we can’t make it,
we should save it – there must be economies
we can make? Tighten our belts and
all that?“
“TIGHTEN OUR BELTS?” cried Toad.
“YOU may notice some chaps don’t wear
belts.... ho ho ho” and he snapped his red
braces merrily.
“Well, you get money by making it –
or saving it – or...”
“STEALING IT!” cried Toad, “THAT’S
THE WAY!”
“We can’t do that!” said Mole,
shocked. “That’s not the way the best
animals behave.”
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Toad looked reflective
at this. Being reptilian by
nature, mammalian behaviour
was a mystery to him.
“Not sure it’s an honourable
plan Toad. Not sure at all,”
said Badger, coughing into his
handkerchief.
“Bugger honourable! We need money
and I know who’s got it!” said Toad,
triumphantly. “And I don’t want any of
your silly scruples – I am the King of the
Woodlands after all, swept into total power
after my victorious leadership of the Battle
of the Big Wood.”
“Not quite swept in, was it, Toad, you
vainglorious animal,” Badger reminded
him, staring disconsolately at streaks of red
something called a ‘contract’ – and the
weasel who offers the least money for it –
gets it! We’ll call it Cheap Tendering. Got a
good ring to it, doesn’t it?”
“No.” said Badger, “It does not. It is a
filthy plan. It will drive down standards. It
will hurt more than the weasels. It will hurt
the young and foolish animals, like otter –
“It will hurt the young and foolish animals,
like otter – it will diminish the value of
what the weasels do”
in his hanky. “You needed the mice to make
up the numbers after all.”
“Oh the mice! What do they matter? Give
‘em a few crumbs and they do what they’re
told. And you agree too, don’t you, little
one?” Toad added, looking down at the
leader of the mice.
“Squeak,” said the leader of the mice,
frisking his little tail. He agreed with
most things.
“My plan is – and it’s a good one – take
some money off the weasels. Brilliant eh?”
“Did that last year. And the year
before,”,said Ratty, checking his records.
“Aha – but the plan gets better. We’ll pay
them less for the same work – and they’ll be
fighting each other for it. Blood and teeth all
over the forest – that’ll be fun!”
“Is that quite fair?” said Mole, timidly.
“They often do good work don’t they –
remember they helped young otter when he
got into trouble...”
“Oh Mole,” they all said, ”shut up and
dig something.”
“Squeeeeak,” said the leader of the mice.
“How it works is this,” said Toad,
warming to his theme. “We dish out
it will diminish the value of what the
weasels do.”
“POO to that!” cried Toad, “Silly old
Badger, to think that weasels matter... oh do
go and cough somewhere else, you look a
bit infectious. And if you don’t like the word
‘cheap’ let’s try... hmmm... er... got it! Best
Value Tendering. I am such a glorious and
clever animal, you must all cheer me.”
“Does that mean we can have Easter eggs
after all?” cried Mole excitedly.
‘Oh for heaven’s sake Mole – for the
last time – moles don’t eat chocolate,”
cried Toad.
‘They do in fiction’ said Mole, miserably.
“Who says this is fiction?” Toad replied.
“And Badger, if you have TB – go and cull
yourself like a good chap. Now, where’s that
Easter Bunny gone? We need to have
a little chat...”
Jeannie Mackie is a
barrister at Doughty
Street Chambers
(www.doughtystreet.co.uk)
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