ISSUES FACING SIBLINGS OF CHILDREN
WITH AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDERS:
THE BALANCING ACT IN FAMILY LIFE
National Autism Network
Robert A. Naseef, Ph.D.
[email protected]
www.alternativechoices.com
215-592-1333
Putting the Issue in Perspective
I don't believe an
accident of birth
makes people sisters
or brothers. It makes
them siblings, gives
them mutuality of
parentage.
Sisterhood and
brotherhood is a
condition people have
to work at.
~Maya Angelou
2
It’s life’s longest relationship
We are siblings all our
lives. It is life’s
longest relationship.
Take a moment now
to begin reflecting
upon your own
experience.
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Our Images : A Cozy Set
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Sibling Positions
What was it like to be the oldest?
…in the middle?
…the youngest
…the youngest.
6
Backwards and Forwards
We have one foot back in the
world of our own childhood and
one foot in the world of the family
we have procreated
7
What about a sibling with autism?
8
Birth Order Can Be Reversed
The younger child may
surpass the older
developmentally and
therefore the older child
may always be the baby of
the family. The sibling then
loses a role model as well
as a “normal” playmate.
As one father told me
recently, “It’s like we have
an upside down family.”
The Lost Dream
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
What is a siblings
lost dream?
10
Switching Places
Imagine you have a brother or sister with a disability…
1.
What problems would you face?
2.
How would you want your parents to handle it?
11
“An Unexpected Blessing”
by Kimberly M. Bitner
“Growing up with a
sibling who has special
needs is not an easy
road…Being the oldest,
I became like a second
mommy to Kristy…I
gave up a lot to play
such a large part in
Kristy’s upbringing. I
was always the quiet
one everywhere we
went.
12
“Living Life”
by Katherine Flaschen
“You know how they
say life’s not fair?
Well mine definitley
isn’t. It’s always the
same: DJ first me
second. As long as
he’s happy, my
mom’s happy, as
long as my mom’s
happy, my dad’s
happy, but what
about me?”
13
“Why Am I So Resentful”
by Lydia Liang
“I try to find positive things
about my brother and really
there are some…it’s great
when he can make me
laugh…I tell myself these
things and I try to be
grateful and not resentful
that I have this unique
brother…he is my brother
and I love him.”
14
“My Brother…Ahhhhhhhh!”
by Zoë Naseef
“My brother always
hogs my dad…
Whenever we go
canoeing: Dad
hogger. When we go
hiking: dad hogger.
Every time he is
around and I try to go
near my dad: dad
hogger.”
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What siblings want and need
Parents to notice their accomplishments
A fair amount of attention
Time alone with parents
Time alone with friends
Freedom to complain
A family life as “normal” as possible
Information about ASD
Child with ASD may also feel life is unfair
16
Parent Strategies: Information
Listen actively to your children
Serve as a model
Be open and honest about your own
thoughts and feelings
Provide answers at your child’s level
Notice the nonverbal cues
Facilitate questions
Follow up previous conversations
17
Strategies: Encourage Interactions
Have realistic expectations based upon
developmental levels
Select activities and toys that facilitate
interactions
Teach interaction and give positive
feedback
Limit care-giving responsibilities
Recognize each child’s accomplishments
18
Strategies: Handling Competition
Be an example in conflict resolution
Set limits
Praise cooperation
IGNORE simple arguments
Stay neutral
Be as consistent as possible
Be creative
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Resources for More Information
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Recommended Books
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Web Sites
www.siblingsupport.org
www.siblingleadership.org/
http://www.kidsource.com/NICHCY/sibling.
issues.dis.all.3.1.html
www.alternativechoices.com
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Overview
The sibling experience impacts us through
the life cycle.
Our feelings are mixed and complex.
Riv
Hate
Love alr
y
fight
hug
play
-ing
mak
ange
r
jeal e-up
ous
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Summary
Start with ourselves.
Accept all our children unconditionally
Let go of sainthood for the “typical” child
and yourself as well
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Serenity Prayer
Give us grace
To accept with serenity the things that cannot be
changed,
Courage to change the things that should be
changed,
And the wisdom to discern the one from the
other.
-Reinhold Niebuhr
Acceptance does not mean giving up
It does not mean wanting or liking autism.
It does not mean changing your opinion.
It does not mean resignation.
It does not mean giving up on life or
possibilities.
Acceptance is about opening up
To the sad and the sweet in life.
To the possibilities and the alternatives.
To the lessons that come with really hard
experiences.
To the different viewpoints and opinions and
feelings within your family.
What are some of your lessons?
“You don’t have to be normal to be
happy.”
Nor do you have to
make your child or
any other autistic
person normal to
be happy.
But this is not an
easy journey.
Can we pursue happiness?
How Do we do this?
Take in the good.
Focus on the positive
experiences with the
greatest personal
impact.
Be on your own side.
Don’t deny challenges.
Maintain a sense of
wonder.
Open your eyes and
look around.
Life: A Balancing Act
Take what helps you, and leave
the rest….
I invite you to visit:
www.alternativechoices.com
Subscribe to my newsletter.
Finally, I thank you for listening
to my voice today.