Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
1.
146. NEW BUILDING
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
SAM 146
EXT. CITY STREET. DAY
LIMMY IS WALKING DOWN A CITY STREET. HE
STOPS TO LOOK AT AN OLD BUILDING.
LIMMY
I’ve not seen that before.
LIMMY TURNS AND SMILES AT THE CAMERA.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Funny, isn’t it? How you can walk down the same
street, year after year, in a place you’ve
lived all your life, and suddenly notice a
building, an old building, that makes you think
“I’ve not seen that before”.
LIMMY TURNS TO LOOK AT THE BUILDING ONE
MORE TIME WITH A SMILE. HE THEN TURNS
BACK TO THE CAMERA, LOOKING SERIOUS.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Aye well I’m not having it.
LIMMY STARTS TALKING TO SAM THE
SECURITY GUARD WHO IS STANDING OUTSIDE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Awright mate?
SAM
Hi there.
LIMMY
I was just saying there that I’ve never seen
this building before.
SAM
Oh, it’s been here for years.
LIMMY
Aye? What is it?
SAM
Just offices.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
146
Shooting Batch 7
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
2.
LIMMY
Just offices, aye? What primary school did you
go to?
SAM IS TAKEN ABACK.
SAM
What?
LIMMY
What’s your mum’s maiden name?
SAM
Are you off your...
LIMMY
What’s your favourite Wham song?
SAM
What?
LIMMY GRABS SAM’S FACE. AFTER A SHORT
STRUGGLE, LIMMY TEARS OFF A PIECE OF
SKIN ON SAME’S FACE TO REVEAL REPTILIAN
SKIN UNDERNEATH.
LIMMY
I knew it!
SAM RUNS BACK INTO THE BUILDING,
SHOUTING.
SAM
Go, go!
SIRENS BLARE.
LIMMY STUMBLES BACK AND WATCHES THE
BUILDING BLAST OFF INTO SPACE.
LIMMY
And don’t come back!
LIMMY TURNS TO THE CAMERA, AND SPEAKS
CALMLY.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Try it.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
3.
147. PUNCH IN THE FACE
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
147
GREEN SCREEN
LIMMY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A COOL
BACKGROUND. HE SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA.
LIMMY
Okay it’s decision time. Would you rather have
a punch in the face...
THE WORDS “A PUNCH IN THE FACE” APPEAR.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
... or a kick in the baws.
THE WORDS “A KICK IN THE BALLS”.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Or fanny, if you’re a lassie.
THE WORDS “(OR FANNY, IF YOU’RE A
LASSIE)” APPEND ONTO THE END.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Decide now!
A COUNTDOWN STYLE TIMER APPEARS AND
COUNTS DOWN 10 SECONDS.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Okay, have you decided? Alright, all you have
to do now is explain your decision to your mate
or your partner or a stranger in the street,
tell them what you’re after, and they’ll take
it from there.
LIMMY WINKS AT THE CAMERA.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
See ye.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
4.
148. ROBBER CHAT
LIMMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
DAVIE 148A EXT. SECLUDED STREET. DAY
LIMMY IS WALKING DOWN A SECLUDED STREET
WITH A LAPTOP BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER. HE
IS TYPING STUFF ON HIS PHONE, AND STOPS
TO SIT ON A NEARBY WALL.
DAVIE, A ROUGH LOOKING GUY, WALKS BY
LIMMY. HE STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND, THEN
WALKS UP TO LIMMY FOR A CHAT.
DAVIE
Awright mate?
LIMMY LOOKS UP AND IS HAPPY TO HAVE A
CHAT WHILE HE DOES HIS PHONE THING.
LIMMY
Awright?
DAVIE
Ye lost?
LIMMY
Lost? Naw, mate, cheers.
DAVIE
Aye it’s just that you don’t look like you’re
from round here.
LIMMY
I’m not, I’m just passing through.
DAVIE LOOKS AT THE LAPTOP BAG.
DAVIE
What’s that in your bag, is that a laptop, aye?
LIMMY
Aye.
DAVIE
Oh I’d love to have a laptop.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
148A CONTINUED:
28/09/10
5.
LIMMY
Och you’re n ot missing much, you can do half
the stuff on the phone nowadays.
DAVIE
Oh right, so you wouldn’t miss it, eh?
LIMMY
Well, I wouldn’t say that, I still need...
DAVIE PULLS OUT A KNIFE.
DAVIE
Gie’s yer fucking laptop.
LIMMY PAUSES AND SEEMS DISAPPOINTED
WITH DAVIE.
LIMMY
Don’t, mate.
DAVIE
I’m not your mate, gie’s the laptop.
LIMMY
I tell you what, how’s about I give you
something more valuable than the laptop and the
phone put together.
DAVIE
Like what?
LIMMY
My time.
DAVIE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.
DAVIE
Your time? I don’t want your time, I want your
laptop, and, aye, I’ll have your phone anaw.
LIMMY
I know you’re hurting.
DAVIE
What?
LIMMY
I know you’re hurting.
DAVIE IS SLIGHTLY TAKEN ABACK.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
148A CONTINUED: (2)
28/09/10
6.
DAVIE
Don’t try and work me out.
LIMMY
Am I wrong? You’ve got to be hurting to do what
you’re doing. Robbing people, robbing them of
the things that are important to them. Knowing
how much that’ll hurt them, but not caring.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I think you’re able to live with that because
nobody cared when they were hurting you. And
you’re still hurting and they still don’t care.
So why should you?
LIMMY SMILES.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Well I care, mate. If you want to take the
laptop, take it, take the phone. I can always
replace them. But talk to us, tell us how you
got into this mess. You never know, it might
help you get out of it.
DAVIE THINKS ABOUT IT. HE SMILES AND
SIGHS IN DEFEAT.
DAVIE
Awright. What have I got to lose?
LIMMY SMILES.
DAVIE (CONT’D)
About 5 years ago, I had a massive fall out
with my stepdad.
DAVIE LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE AS HE
RECALLS THE EVENTS.
CUT TO:
148B EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. DAY
MEANINGFUL MUSIC PLAYS AS DAVIE HAS A
FLASHBACK TO WHEN HIM AND DAVIE’S
STEPDAD HAD THEIR MASSIVE ARGUMENT.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
148B CONTINUED:
28/09/10
7.
THEY ARE CARRYING A COUCH DOWN A
STREET.
DAVIE (V.O.)
It was over the daftest of things. Me and him
were lifting a couch that we bought off his
brother. We gets a bit tired, so we sit down
for a break.
CUT TO:
148C EXT. SECLUDED STREET. DAY
DAVIE STARES AT HIS FINGER NAILS.
DAVIE
And we were getting on fine, chatting away.
DAVIE LOOKS UP AT LIMMY.
DAVIE (CONT’D)
So after about three or four minutes, we...
SOMETHING SHOCKS DAVIE. THE CAMERA CUTS
TO WIDE SHOT AS LIMMY SWINGS THE LAPTOP
CASE DOWN ONTO DAVIE’S HEAD, FULL
FORCE. DAVIE IS OUT FOR THE COUNT.
LIMMY WALKS AWAY CALMLY, PLAYING WITH
HIS PHONE.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
8.
149. SCARY STORY
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
149
INT. OLD LIVING ROOM. DAY
LIMMY IS IN AN OLD FASHIONED LIVING
ROOM, SITTING IN AN OLD FASHIONED SEAT.
HE SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA.
LIMMY
D’you want to hear a story? A scary story?
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Okay, let the story commence.
LIMMY GETS COMFORTABLE AND BEGINS.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
When I was a boy, I used to collect gingy
bottles. Used to chap on doors, get people’s
empty bottles of Irn Bru or whatever, and take
them round to the shops for a bit of extra
pocket money.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
And one day, I chapped on a door that I’d never
chapped before. A few seconds later, I heard
footsteps inside approaching the door.
LIMMY MAKES FOOTSTEP SOUNDS.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
The door opened. And standing there was...
LIMMY SCREAMS.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
LIMMY SMILES.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Got ye.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
149
Shooting Batch 7
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
9.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
And standing there was some woman. And I said
to her “Any gingy bottles”? She goes away,
comes back and hands me a poly bag and shuts
the door on me.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
So I walk away, towards the shops, looking
forward to taking all these bottles back. And I
look in the bag to see how many she’s given me.
But there... in the bag... I see...
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
That one of the bottles hasn’t got a cap. And
unless you’ve got the cap then a lot of shops
won’t...
LIMMY SCREAMS.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Waaaaaaaaah!
LIMMY SMILES.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
A lot of shops won’t give you the money back.
So I’m in the shop, taking these three bottles
out the bag. I puts the first one down, with
the cap, shopkeeper’s like that: “right”. Puts
the second one down, that’s got a cap,
shopkeeper’s like that: “right”. Puts the third
one down, the one without the cap, and the
shopkeeper goes...
LONG PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Waaaaaaaaah!
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Naw, he said “He can’t take that one if it’s
not got a cap”. I was like that “Fair enough”.
Two bottles, no bad.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
10.
150. SPELLING
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
150
GREEN SCREEN
LIMMY SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA.
LIMMY
Hiya. D’you ever have trouble with your
spelling? D’you ever forget how to spell words
like “necessary” or “occasionally”? Well, let
me help.
THE WORD “NECESSARY” IS SPELLED OUT
LETTER BY LETTER ON THE SCREEN.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Necessary is N.E.C.E.S.S.A.R.Y.
PAUSE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
And here’s occasionally.
THE WORD OCCASIONALLY APPEARS AT ONCE.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Just take a wee moment to absorb it.
AFTER A MOMENT, LIMMY NODS AND SMILES.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
And that’s you.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
11.
151. YOU SPIN ME ROUND
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
151A GREEN SCREEN
LIMMY IS DANCING IN THE MIDDLE OF A
GIANT, ROTATING RECORD. HE ROTATES WITH
IT.
THE SONG “YOU SPIN ME ROUND” BY DEAD OR
ALIVE PLAYS.
LIMMY LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS
SLIGHTLY OFF CENTRE OF THE RECORD. HE
GOES ROUND AND ROUND TOO QUICKLY.
HE TRIES TO GET UP BUT LOSES HIS
BALANCE AGAIN AND AGAIN, GRADUALLY
MOVING OUT TOWARDS THE OUTSIDE OF THE
RECORD, WHERE IT’S FASTEST.
LIMMY IS EVENTUALLY HANGING OVER THE
EDGE, HIS BODY HORIZONTAL, GRIPPING ON
WITH DEAR LIFE. HE LOSES HIS GRIP AND
GOES FLYING OFF.
CUT TO:
151B INT. NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT
LIMMY GOES FLYING AGAINST THE WALL OF A
CLUB, KNOCKING SOME PEOPLE OUT THE OF
THE WAY AND SPILLING SOME DRINKS OVER
PEOPLE.
LIMMY
Sorry, sorry!
KEVIN, A CLUBBER, PICKS LIMMY UP AND
HEADBUTTS HIM. LIMMY YELPS IN PAIN AND
HOLDS HIS NOSE.
A COUPLE OF BOUNCERS RUSH IN CHUCK
LIMMY OUT.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
151B CONTINUED:
28/09/10
12.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
What are you chucking me out for? He just stuck
the nut on me.
CUT TO:
151C EXT. OUTSIDE NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT
LIMMY GETS CHUCKED OUT THE CLUB AND
LANDS ON THE PAVEMENT. HE LOOKS TO THE
CAMERA IN DISBELIEF.
LIMMY
Whit!?
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
13.
152. DEE DEE - MOON
DEE DEE - BRIAN LIMOND
SALLY PASSER BY 152A INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM. DAY
DEE DEE IS LYING ON THE COUCH WATCHING
TELLY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Fuckin... up all night. Watching the telly.
Usual.
DEE DEE SEES THE SUN COMING THROUGH THE
WINDOW.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
The sun comes up, so it’s time to get the head
down. Just ready to crash out when Jeremy Kyle
comes on.
DEE DEE SEES JEREMY KYLE ON THE TELLY.
THE TITLE SAYS “HE’S NOT MY SON, HE’S
GINGER”.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Looked like a good one so I sets it to tape.
And outs I go like a light.
DEE DEE PRESSES RECORD ON HIS REMOTE
AND CONKS OUT.
FADE TO:
152B INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM - MIDNIGHT
DEE DEE IS LYING ON HIS COUCH. HE LIFTS
OVER A BOOK, ON WHICH IS DRUG
PARAPHERNALIA.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
So it gets to midnight, and I wake up pure
choking for a joint, pure looking forward to my
Jeremy Kyle. Goes to stick it on.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
152B CONTINUED:
28/09/10
14.
DEE DEE PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS REMOTE
AND ON COMES A CHILDREN’S PROGRAMME,
SIMILAR TO RAINBOW. SALLY, THE
PRESENTER, IS SITTING IN A SPACESHIP
MADE OF CARDBOARD BOXES, EXPLAINING HOW
IT’S MADE.
DEE DEE
Fuck’s this?
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Went and recorded the wrong channel. Ended up
recording some wean’s programme. Bird was like
that “We’re going to make a spaceship from
cardboard boxes and fly to the moon”. I was
like that...
DEE DEE
Aye right.
DEE LIGHTS A MATCH. IT SLOWLY BURNS
CLOSER TO HIS FINGERS AS HE ENTERS A
TRANCE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
But then I starts getting tuned into it. Starts
getting ideas. And a wee voice in my head says
“Dee Dee, we’re doing this. We’re going to the
moon. We’re going to the moon tonight”.
THE MATCH BURNS DEE DEE’S FINGERS. HE
CHUCKS IT IN AN ASHTRAY AND PICKS UP
HIS REMOTE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
So I pauses it.
CUT TO:
152C INT. DEE DEE’S HALL. NIGHT
DEE DEE PUTS ON HIS TRAINERS AND LEAVES
HIS FLAT.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And I batters out.
CUT TO:
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
15.
152D EXT. BIN SHELTER. NIGHT
DEE DEE IS RAIDING A BIN SHELTER FOR
CARDBOARD BOXES.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And I raids the bin shelters for cardboard
boxes.
DEE DEE MANAGES TO FIND SOME AND DRAGS
THEM AWAY DOWN THE STREET.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Managed to get a few crackers. They were
stinking, but they were crackers. Sort of
cardboard boxes you could build a real
spaceship from, never mind a pretend one made
of cardboard boxes.
A PASSER BY WATCHES DEE DEE DRAG THE
BOXES DOWN THE STREET.
CUT TO:
152E INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
A CLOSE UP SHOWS DEE DEE’S FACE LOOKING
HAMMERED.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Anyway, I gets back to Cape Canaveral, and
we’re ready for launch. But not before I had
some rocket fuel.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND FLIPS 180
DEGREES TO SHOW THAT DEE DEE IS UPSIDE
DOWN ON A COUCH.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
A banana skin triple tardis bucket upside down
on my couch. Nae need for a spaceship, I was
already on Pluto.
DEE DEE FALLS TO THE GROUND.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
But I gets in anyway. As captain of the
Starship Dee Dee.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
152E CONTINUED:
28/09/10
16.
DEE DEE FALLS INTO A LARGE, SOILED
CARDBOARD BOX LYING IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE LIVING ROOM.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Fucked oot mah nut.
DEE POINTS THE REMOTE TO THE TELLY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Pressed play on the remote and the bird was
like that “Right, 3, 2, 1, liftoff!“, I was
like...
DEE DEE
Here!
DEE DEE ROLLS BACK INTO HIS BOX, AS IF
THROWN BACK BY G-FORCE. HE SITS BACK
UP.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Bird was like that “Look below at all the
people, they’re tiny”. And there they were.
DEE DEE HALLUCINATES AND SEES PEOPLE
FAR BELOW. HE MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.
DEE DEE
I’ve lost the plot, man.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Then she’s like that “Look out! Martians!”.
152F BLUE SCREEN
MARTIANS FLOAT AROUND DEE DEE IN SPACE.
HE TRIES TO SHOOT HIM WITH HIS REMOTE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Pair of us trying to shoot these daft
Martians, but I was no use to man nor
my state. Then she goes “We’re nearly
just need to get through the asteroid
was like that “You’re joking”.
wee
beast in
there, we
belt”. I
DEE DEE STARTS DODGING IMAGINARY
ASTEROIDS.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
152F CONTINUED:
28/09/10
17.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
If I thought it was going to be this much
hassle going to moon I would have just stayed
on Pluto.
DEE DEE PICKS UP A CUSHION AND TOSSES
IT IN THE AIR SO HE CAN DODGE IT. HE
FALLS BACK INTO HIS BOX.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
But then she goes “We’ve made it!”. Looks
around and there it was. The moon.
DEE DEE SITS UP AND LOOKS AROUND. HIS
LIVING ROOM IS NOW THE MOON.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I gets out and starts walking around like an
astronaut.
DEE DEE WALKS AROUND SLOWLY.
CUT TO:
LATER.
DEE PLAYS IMAGINARY GOLF.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Played a bit of golf.
CUT TO:
LATER.
DEE DEE PREPARES TO TAKE A JUMP.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Took big jumps that went on forever.
DEE DEE JUMPS AND LANDS AT A NORMAL
SPEED, BUT HIS BODY LANGUAGE SUGGESTS
HE THINKS HE’S STILL IN THE AIR.
SALLY CLIMBS BACK INTO HER SPACESHIP.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
18.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Bird was like that “Right, let’s go back home
now”, I was like, yous go ahead, and I switched
the thing off.
FADE TO:
LATER.
DEE DEE IS BACK IN HIS SPACESHIP,
TRAVELLING THROUGH SPACE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And I went travelling the galaxy myself. Taking
in the sights.
CUT TO:
152G INT. DEE DEE’S KITCHEN. NIGHT
DEE DEE IS LOOKING AT THE SPICE RACK IN
HIS KITCHEN.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Investigating newcivilisations.
CUT TO:
152H INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM. LATER
DEE DEE PULLS APART HIS REMOTE CONTROL.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And new technologies.
DEE DEE IS TALKING TO DRESSING GOWN
THAT IS HANGING UP ON A DOOR. WE GET
GLIMPSES OF HIS HALLUCINATION, THAT
TRANSFORM THE DRESSING GOWN INTO AN
ALIEN.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I even bumped into this guy from Neptune. But I
wasn’t fighting with him, we were organising
stuff, treaties and that. And he told me that
the woman on the telly got it wrong cos the
Martians are dafties and aren’t even in space
yet.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
152H CONTINUED:
28/09/10
19.
DEE DEE SPEAKS TO THE NEPTUNIAN.
DEE DEE
Aye, I thought she was making that up.
DEE DEE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES
THE DAWN.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Anyway, I saw that sun rise again so I bid them
farewell.
DEE DEE HEADS BACK TO HIS BOX.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I set the controls for Earth and put myself
into suspended animation.
FADE TO:
MIDNIGHT.
DEE DEE WAKES UP.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And when I woke up, I was back. Home sweet
home. Back on terra firma.
DEE DEE LOOKS AROUND, HIS LIVING ROOM
IS A TIP. HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW TO
THE MOON.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
‘Til next time.
DEE DEE STARTS SKINNING UP.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
20.
153. DEE DEE - TELETEXT.
DEE DEE - BRIAN LIMOND
JACQUI BETTY (NS) JAMES (NS) JESSICA V.O. 153A INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM. 4AM
DEE DEE IS LYING ON HIS COUCH, WATCHING
THE TELLY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Fuckin... I was up watching the Teletext. Mad
wae it.
DEE DEE IS GURNING.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Just playing daft quizzes and checking out the
weather.
DEE DEE LOOKS AT THESE PAGES.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And then I stumbles onto their Jobsearch thing.
All these jobs nobody wants to do. Like
cleaning up people’s shite after them for pure
pish money. But I was out my face, and things
started taking my fancy.
DEE DEE LOOKS CLOSER AT ONE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
One of them for something like: d’you want to
help out in your community and that?
DEE DEE IMAGINES IT.
FADE TO:
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
21.
153B COMMUNITY CENTRE RECEPTION
THE BACKGROUND IS A SMALL OFFICE. DEE
DEE IS SITTING AT A COMPUTER DESK,
BEING SHOWN HOW TO WORK IT BY JACQUI.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
We’ll train you up, show you new skills.
DEE DEE STANDS UP, AND JACQUI AND THE
COMPUTER EQUIPMENT VANISH. THE
BACKGROUND CHANGES TO A COMMUNITY
CENTRE LOUNGE. BETTY, AN OLD LADY,
APPEARS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
You’ll be helping out the auld yins.
DEE DEE TAKES BETTY’S ARM AND HELPS HER
AWAY. THE BACKGROUND CHANGES TO A
SPORTS HALL.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Helping out the young yins.
JAMES, A BOY, WALKS BY. DEE DEE CHUCKS
A FOOTBALL AT HIM AND JAMES GRABS IT
AND WALKS OFF SMILING.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And most of all, you’ll be helping out
yourself.
THE BACKGROUND CHANGES TO A BRIGHT BLUE
SKY THAT REVOLVES AROUND DEE DEE. HE
TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
FADE TO:
153C INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM
DEE DEE THINKS ABOUT IT.
DEE DEE
Let’s do it.
DEE DEE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
153C CONTINUED:
28/09/10
22.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
So I leaves them a message.
CUT TO:
LATER.
DEE DEE SPEAKS ON THE PHONE.
DEE DEE
Hello my name’s Derek Durie, and I’m phoning
about the job.
CUT TO:
LATER.
DEE DEE IS STILL TALKING AWAY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Pure rabbits on for ages cos my head’s mangled.
DEE DEE
Never had a job in my life, but I think this
could be the thing to get me out of first gear,
know what I mean?
CUT TO:
LATER.
DEE DEE IS PHONING AGAIN.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Ended up having to leaving about twenty
messages cos my time kept running out.
DEE DEE
Aye it’s me again. Right, what was I saying?
Aye...
CUT TO:
153D NEXT AFTERNOON.
DEE DEE IS SLEEPING WITH THE PHONE AT
HIS EAR. A CHAT SHOW CAN BE HEARD ON
THE TELLY.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
153D CONTINUED:
28/09/10
23.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Until I conks out.
PAUSE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Ten hours later, middle of the afternoon, phone
goes.
THE PHONE RINGS AND DEE DEE IS
STARTLED. HE MUTES THE TELLY AND
ANSWERS THE PHONE.
DEE DEE
Hello?
AN UPBEAT JESSICA SPEAKS.
JESSICA (V.O.)
Hi, can I speak to Derek Durie please?
DEE DEE
Aye... speaking.
JESSICA (V.O.)
Oh hi Derek, my name’s Jessica. We just heard
your message, or your messages, and you sound
wonderful, just what we’re after, very
enthusiastic. Would you be able to come in for
an interview? It’s just a formality really,
because we’ve pretty much decided that we’d
love to get you started right away.
PAUSE.
DEE DEE
Who are you?
JESSICA (V.O.)
Oh sorry, this is Jessica from Restart, you
phoned about the job.
DEE DEE FINALLY REMEMBERS.
DEE DEE
Aw right. Sorry, I’m no interested.
JESSICA (V.O.)
I see. If it’s the interview that’s putting you
off, you’ve got nothing to worry about, you’ll
definitely get the job.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
153D CONTINUED: (2)
28/09/10
24.
PAUSE.
DEE DEE
Naw, no interested.
JESSICA (V.O.)
But you seemed so enthusiastic on the phone.
Derek, if you’re feeling nervy about getting
into work, I can completely understand.
DEE DEE SHAKES HIS HEAD SLOWLY.
JESSICA (V.O.)
We always give people time to adjust and before
too long... you won’t look back. Derek, please
say yes.
PAUSE.
DEE DEE
No interestit.
JESSICA (V.O.)
Well, that’s a shame. Bye for now, but if you
ever change your mind, give us a call.
DEE DEE
Right.
DEE DEE HANGS UP.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Just wisnae interestit.
DEE DEE HANGS UP. AND AFTER A PAUSE,
UNMUTES THE TELLY AND WATCHES THE CHAT
SHOW.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
25.
154. DEE DEE - YOKER
DEE DEE - BRIAN LIMOND
BUS DRIVER MARY STEVE PORTER STEPHANIE (NS) 154A EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. DAY
DEE DEE IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET
TOWARDS THE JOB CENTRE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Fuckin... heading to the brew. Heading to get
my giro. And I pass this couple of buses at the
side of the road.
DEE DEE LOOKS AT A COUPLE OF DOUBLE
DECKER BUSES AT HIS SIDE OF THE ROAD.
FOLK ARE GETTING OFF THE FRONT BUS AND
GETTING ON THE ONE BEHIND. OLD FOLK ARE
NATTERING TO EACH OTHER UNHAPPILY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Everybody’s piling off the front one and into
the one behind. Auld folk like that “This is
ridiculous. Never used to be like this with the
corporation buses”. I was like that, I see,
we’ve got ourselves a breakdown.
DEE DEE LOOKS AT THE FRONT OF THE BACK
BUS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I checks to see where they’re all heading.
THE DISPLAY SAYS “YOKER”.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Yoker. And I just pissed myself laughing.
DEE DEE EXHALES A LONG SILENT LAUGH.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Cos Yoker’s one of these places I only know
from the front of a bus.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
26.
154A CONTINUED:
DEE DEE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Never been there, don’t know what it’s like,
it’s just this pure fabled land that sounds
like a pure mad egg yolk.
DEE DEE INHALES A LOUD LAUGH.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
So I was watching everybody getting on, trying
to show their tickets to the driver, but he
wasn’t having it.
THE DRIVER IS WAVING EVERYONE ON
WITHOUT LOOKING.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Just waving them on like that “Aye, I know
where yous came from, I can see the bus, what
d’yous think I am? Daft?”.
A THOUGHT CROSSES DEE DEE’S FACE. HE
LOOKS TO THE JOB CENTRE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And a wee voice in my head said “Dee Dee. I
know you’ve got to get your giro, but the
brew’s always gonnae be there”.
DEE DEE LOOKS TO THE BUS.
DEE DEE (V.O)
“But this, on the other hand, is a once in a
lifetime opportunity. Go for it”. So I just
went like that...
DEE DEE SPEAKS.
DEE DEE (CONT’D)
Fuck it.
DEE DEE JOINS THE QUEUE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And I joins the queue. Second’s I do it, the
driver starts checking people’s tickets.
THE DRIVER GLANCES AT PEOPLE’S TICKETS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I was like that “Oh here, forget it”.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
154A CONTINUED: (2)
28/09/10
27.
DEE DEE GOES TO LEAVE THE QUEUE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
But I just got pure caught up in the
slipstream.
ANOTHER QUEUER STANDS IN THE WAY AND
BOXES DEE DEE IN.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Belting it towards the moment of truth at
100mph like a lamb to the slaughter. Heart
pounding. Pulse racing. I was like that, this
is like Midnight Express,
I could get the
jail here.
DEE DEE IS STANDING BEFORE THE DRIVER.
HE BEGINS A CLUMSY EXPLANATION.
DEE DEE
Right, what it is is...
THE DRIVER WAVES HIM ON.
DEE DEE (CONT’D)
Cool.
DEE DEE WALK TOWARDS THE STAIRS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I did it.
DEE DEE HAS A STUMBLE UP THE STAIRS.
FADE TO:
154B INT. UPSTAIRS ON THE YOKER BUS. DAY
DEE DEE IS SITTING ON THE HALF BUSY
BUS, SITTING ON A SEAT NEAR THE FRONT,
LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AT THE JOB
CENTRE GOING BY. DEE DEE SHAKES HIS
HEAD AND SMILES AT THE INSANITY AND
EXCITEMENT.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
So there I was, bird’s eye view, whizzing by
the brew like that, “Ta ta giro, maybe some
other day, ih? Cos I’m on the bus...
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
28.
154B CONTINUED:
DEE DEE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
to Yoker”, couldn’t believe what I was hearing
in my head, man, seriously. This was actually
happening.
DEE DEE SUDDENLY BECOMES RESERVED.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
But then I thought, hold on. Don’t get too
excited. There could be somebody looking at the
back of your nut right now thinking “Here.
Who’s he? He’s not from Yoker. He’s got no
business being on this bus. Get his head
kicked, man”.
DEE DEE SLOWLY TURNS AROUND TO SEE IF
ANYONE’S LOOKING.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Turned around to see if anybody was looking.
NOBODY IS. DEE DEE IS DELIGHTED.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Nobody. I got away with it. Just pure got away
with the lot of it.
CUT TO:
LATER.
DEE DEE IS LEANING OVER TO TALK TO
MARY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
So I loosened up and started chatting with
folk, to get a bit of local knowledge before I
got there.
DEE DEE
So this bus is for Yoker, aye?
MARY
Aye.
DEE DEE
I’ve just moved there, is it good?
MARY
Aye, it’s a lovely place, I’ve lived there all
my life, Yoker born and bred.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
29.
DEE DEE
Mind boggling.
MARY IS CONFUSED.
DEE DEE (CONT’D)
That you’ve never once in your life wondered
what Yoker’s like.
MARY IS VERY CONFUSED.
FADE TO:
LATER.
DEE DEE IS STILL TALKING TO A TIRED
LOOKING MARY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Half an hour later, I start seeing the signs.
DEE DEE SUDDENLY BECOMES ANIMATED AND
SPOTS SOME SIGNS WHIZZING BY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Yoker Newsagents. Yoker Post Office. Yoker
everything.
DEE DEE GIVES AN EXCITED LOOK TO AN
UNEXITED MARY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
They even had a barber that rhymed with Yoker.
“Hair by Steve... Porter”.
A SIGN SHOWS THIS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
What are the chances of that?
DEE DEE SPEAKS TO MARY.
DEE DEE
Here, what’s the bets his name was Smith or
something but he changed it to fit in.
MARY
What?
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
30.
154C EXT.TERMINUS
THE BUS SUDDENLY STOPS WITH A TSSSH.
DEE DEE LOOKS OUT AND SEES THE BUS
STOP. EVERYONE STARTS LEAVING.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Gets to the terminus. And everybody starts
piling off.
CUT TO:
154D INT. DOWNSTAIRS OF YOKER BUS.DAY
DEE DEE IS THE LAST ONE ON THE BUS AND
GOES TO SPEAK TO THE DRIVER.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I hits the driver with my charms.
DEE DEE TALKS TO THE DRIVER.
DEE DEE
Driver, when d’you leave?
DRIVER
5 minutes.
DEE DEE
I conked out and missed my stop, any chance you
could gie’s a ticket so I can nip off for a
fag?
THE DRIVER PRESSES THE BUTTON AND A
TICKET IS PRINTED.
DEE DEE (CONT’D)
Cheers.
DEE DEE GOES TO STEP OUT THE BUS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And I puts my first step onto Yoker soil.
DEE DEE STANDS OUTSIDE THE BUS AND
LOOKS AROUND SLOWLY, MESMERISED. THE
PLACE IS A BIT MISERABLE LOOKING.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
154D CONTINUED:
28/09/10
31.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I was in Yoker. I thought this day would never
come. Is it really this easy? Is it really this
easy to get the things you want in life? You
just need to hold out for it?
A FLASH OF CONCERN CROSSES DEE DEE’S
FACE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Suddenly had the urge to just go “Here, I’m not
from Yoker, I’ve got no business being here!”
DEE DEE ALMOST TRIES TO SHIELD HIS
THOUGHTS WITH HIS HAND.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I thought “Calm it, Dee Dee”, that’s no
laughing matter, they’d tear you to shreds.
Now, you’ve got 5 minutes, where d’you want to
go, what d’you want to do... in Yoker. I knew
exactly what.
DEE DEE LOOKS TO THE “HAIR BY STEVE
PORTER” SIGN.
CUT TO:
154E.EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY
DEE DEE IS WALKING TOWARDS THE
HAIRDRESSER’S, LOOKING AROUND
CAUTIOUSLY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I had to. I had to find out. I couldn’t leave
without finding out what this was all about.
DEE DEE ARRIVES OUTSIDE STEVE PORTER’S.
HE LOOKS BACK TO THE BUS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Bus was a million miles away. I thought “Dee
Dee, you truly are in the outer reaches here,
man. Middle of nowhere.
DEE DEE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
154E.CONTINUED:
28/09/10
32.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And in I went into the great unknown with a
fucking ding.
THE DOOR ENTRY BELL DINGS.
CUT TO:
154F INT. HAIR BY STEVE PORTER. DAY
STEVE PORTER, A MIDDLE AGED MAN, IS
CUTTING A MAN’S HAIR. STEPHANIE,
ANOTHER HAIRDRESSER, IS CUTTING A
WOMAN’S HAIR. THEY LOOK UP DEE DEE,
SLIGHTLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE SHAMBLES
THAT HAS JUST WALKED IN.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
To ask the one big question.
DEE DEE SEES STEVE.
DEE DEE
Steve Porter?
STEVE PORTER
Yes?
DEE DEE
Has your name always rhymed with Yoker? Or did
it used to be Smith... or something?
A TENSE SILENCE FOLLOWS THIS CONFUSING
QUESTION.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
And then I thought... Dee Dee, you’ve just
blown your cover. Big time. Fuck you playing
at, man, go, go!
DEE DEE SPRINTS OUT OF THE
HAIRDRESSER’S.
CUT TO:
154G EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY
DEE DEE BELTS IT DOWN THE STREET
TOWARDS THE BUS.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
154G CONTINUED:
28/09/10
33.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Got out of there before they started chucking
their scissors at me like ninja stars. Before
big Stevie scalped me and stuck my head on the
wall.
DEE DEE LOOKS AT THE BUS IN THE
DISTANCE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Ten seconds to get to that bus, man, that’s
your lifeline. What does it start doing? Starts
moving. I was like that “Naw, man”. Felt like
giving up.
DEE DEE STOPS RUNNING AND STARTS WAVING
HIS ARMS AROUND AND SHOUTING.
DEE DEE
I’m not from Yoker, I’m not from Yoker. I’ve
got no business being here! I’m not from Yoker!
A SWARM OF PEOPLE APPEAR FROM NOWHERE
LIKE ZOMBIES AND ATTACK DEE DEE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Let them finish me off like a pack of mad
wolves.
CUT TO:
REALITY
DEE DEE IS STILL RUNNING AND RUNS IN
FRONT OF THE BUS SLIGHTLY TO SLOW IT
DOWN.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
But I just kept on running for my life like I
had Leatherface on my tail.
DEE DEE REACHES THE BUS DOOR AND BANGS
ON IT, BUT THE DOORS DON’T OPEN. DEE
DEE LOOKS AROUND PANICKED.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Gets to the bus but he wouldn’t let me in. I
was like that, set up, whole thing’s a set up.
CUT TO:
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
34.
154H EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. EARLIER THAT DAY
DEE DEE HAS A FLASHBACK TO THE PEOPLE
GETTING OFF THE BROKEN BUS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Them that were on that front bus, actors, the
lot of them actors.
CUT TO:
154I EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY
THE BUS DOOR OPENS AND DEE DEE RUNS ON.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Door opens and I bolts upstairs, right under
the seat. Didn’t dare poke my head up for the
next half hour in case they were going by in a
minibus, gasping to feast on me like a shower
of zombie pirates.
CUT TO:
154J 30 MINUTES LATER
DEE DEE RUNS DOWN THE BUS STAIRS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Picked a moment.
CUT TO:
154K EXT. STREET. DAY
DEE DEE IS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE BUS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Up the road.
CUT TO:
154L INT. DEE DEE’S CLOSE. DAY
DEE DEE IS RUNNING UP HIS CLOSE STEPS.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
154L CONTINUED:
28/09/10
35.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Up the stairs.
CUT TO:
154M INT. DEE DEE’S FLAT. DAY
DEE DEE IS INSIDE HIS FLAT, SLAMMING
THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
In the house. Lock, lock, lock.
DEE DEE LOCKS TWO LOCKS AND JAMS A
CHAIR UNDER THE DOOR HANDLE.
CUT TO:
LATER
DEE DEE SLIDES DOWN HIS HALL WALL,
LOOKING KNACKERED.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Scary, man. Scary.
PAUSE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
But the best day of my life.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
155. LASER HARP
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
155
INT. DARK STAGE. NIGHT
LIMMY WALKS UP TO A LASER HARP AND
GIVES AN OVEREMOTIONAL PERFORMANCE.
ARCHIVE SHOTS OF AN OUTDOOR AUDIENCE
SHOW THAT LIMMY HAS THEM IN THE PALM OF
HIS HAND.
36.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
37.
156. LIMMY'S SHOW PREMIUM.
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
156A GREEN SCREEN
THE PREVIOUS SKETCH FREEZES AT THE END
AND LIMMY STEPS IN FRONT OF IT.
LIMMY
I liked that one, did you? Well now I’m giving
the chance to enjoy Limmy’s Show even more,
with a new service: Limmy’s Show Premium.
CUT TO:
165B INT. MEETING ROOM. DAY
LIMMY IS HAVING A FOCUS GROUP WITH
SEVERAL PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT AGES AND
BACKGROUNDS. THEY ARE WATCHING BITS
FROM THE FIRST SERIES ON A TELLY AND
LIMMY IS TAKING NOTES AND CHATTING.
MUSIC PLAYS AS LIMMY DOES THE
VOICEOVER.
LIMMY (V.O.)
You see, after the first series, I gathered
your feedback, and...
THE FOCUS GROUP LAUGH AT SOME SKETCH
AND DON’T LAUGH AT OTHERS. THEY ALL
HAVE A CHAT.
LIMMY (V.O.)
Limmy’s Show Premium! Yours for just £59.99.
CUT TO:
156C GREEN SCREEN
LIMMY IS BACK IN FRONT OF THE PREVIOUS
SKETCH.
LIMMY
Do you sometimes feel that a sketch went on for
longer or shorter than expected? Bang! You’ve
got a sketch time countdown.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
156C CONTINUED:
28/09/10
38.
A TIMER APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
D’you ever feel let down when you’re hoping for
a jolly sketch but it turns out to be a serious
one? Or you’re hoping for a weird one but it
turns out to be mainstream? Bang! Get informed
with a mood grid radar.
A SQUARE APPEARS CONTAINING A GRID. IN
THE GRID IS A FLASHING DOT.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
It’s easy, really. Upbeat, downbeat, leftfield,
right.
LIMMY MAKES A HAND GESTURE FROM TOP TO
BOTTOM THEN LEFT TO RIGHT.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
And are you the impatient type that likes to
know what’s coming up? Don’t worry, I’m always
there to keep you posted.
A SMALL LIMMY POPS UP THE CORNER WITH A
SMALL VIDEO PREVIEW OF THE NEXT SKETCH.
SMALL LIMMY
Coming up next, Dee Dee goes on a bus ride to
Yoker, a legendary, mysterious place that Dee
Dee has often seen on buses but...
LIMMY INTERRUPTS.
LIMMY
All this and more...
GRIDS AND DIALS AND OTHER FLASHING
GAUGES FILL THE SCREEN.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Every sketch, all the info, all the time.
Limmy’s Show Premium!
THE LIMMY’S SHOW PREMIUM LOGO FILLS THE
SCREEN. LIMMY’S FACE THEN POPS UP OVER
IT.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
It’s crap. Obviously.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
157. SHE'S TURNED THE WEANS
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
MARVIN 157
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. DAY
MARVIN, A MADMAN, IS WALKING THROUGH
THE CITY STREETS. HE ANNOUNCES HIS
FEELINGS TO THE WORLD.
MARVIN
She’s turned the weans against me!
HE ANNOUNCES IT TO PASSING STRANGERS,
TO HIMSELF, TO THE SKIES, ANYONE OR
ANYTHING THAT WILL LISTEN.
THE CAMERA IS NOW
MARVIN WALKS DOWN
IS ON AND GOES TO
LONGER SAYING HIS
FRIENDS GIGGLE.
THE POV OF LIMMY.
THE STREET THAT LIMMY
PASS BY. HE IS NO
LINE. SOME OF LIMMY’S
LIMMY (O.S.)
Shhh, here he comes.
MARVIN WALKS BY WITHOUT SAYING HIS
LINE. LIMMY TRIES TO PLANT THE THOUGHT
IN MARVIN’S MIND.
LIMMY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Has she turned the weans against ye, aye?
LIMMY’S FRIENDS GIGGLE NERVOUSLY.
MARVIN STARTS TO TURN AROUND BUT
LIMMY/THE CAMERA TURNS AWAY, AS IF TO
HIDE THE GUILT. AFTER A PAUSE,
LIMMY/THE CAMERA FACES MARVIN AGAIN AS
MARVIN BEGINS WALKING AWAY.
MARVIN
She’s turned the weans against me.
LIMMY AND HIS FRIENDS LAUGH.
39.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
40.
158. AUDIENCE HATE 1 OF 4
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
BRENDA 158
GREEN SCREEN
LIMMY INTERRUPTS THE END OF THE
PREVIOUS SKETCH. HE TALKS TO THE CAMERA
AGGRESSIVELY.
LIMMY
Oh look wh o it is. Look who it is. What are
you wanting? What are you wanting? Why are you
watching the show? Beat it.
BRENDA, A CREWMEMBER, STEPS OUT FROM
BEHIND THE CAMERA AND TALKS TO LIMMY.
BRENDA
What are you doing?
LIMMY
(To camera) Beat it then.
BRENDA
Limmy, don’t speak to the audience like that.
LIMMY TURNS NICE.
LIMMY
I don’t mean the whole audience. I don’t mean
the lot of yous, sorry, haha.
LIMMY TURNS NASTY.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
I just mean that guy there. Just wondering why
you’re watching the show, mate, if you don’t
like us.
BRENDA
Limmy, just get on with it.
BRENDA USHERS LIMMY OFF CAMERA SLOWLY.
LIMMY
But why should I? The guy hates me! Why should
I put on a wee show for a guy that hates me?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
158
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
41.
CONTINUED:
LIMMY (CONT'D)
Why should I put on a wee song and dance for a
guy that hates me?
BRENDA
I know. Just ignore him.
LIMMY
The show’s not for you, mate, it’s for
everybody else. Beat it.
BRENDA
Just ignore him.
LIMMY
The guy hates me.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
42.
159. AUDIENCE HATE - 2 OF 4
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
BRENDA 159
GREEN SCREEN
A LIMMY’S SHOW GRAPHIC APPEARS AFTER
THE PREVIOUS SKETCH. LIMMY THEN POPS
HIS HEAD UP, CLOSE TO THE CAMERA. HE
SPEAKS QUIETLY.
LIMMY
Beat it. See if you don’t like us, then why...
LIMMY IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUND OF
BRENDA OFF CAMERA.
BRENDA
Limmy, move on, please. We need to move on.
LIMMY
But why is he allowed to watch when he doesn’t
even...
BRENDA
Move on, please.
LIMMY
Gonnae no tick me off in front of him? Look,
he’s smiling now, (impersonating) ahhh you got
ticked off on your own show. (Normal) See, he’s
got what he wanted. Look at the wee smile on
his face, I’ve got to look at that for the rest
of the show, I’ve got that wee smirk in my line
of sight for the rest of...
BRENDA
Limmy.
LIMMY IS VISIBLY PAINED. HE DUCKS OUT
OF SHOT.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
160. AUDIENCE HATE - 3 OF 4
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
MALE CREW MEMBER (NS) 160
GREEN SCREEN
A LIMMY’S SHOW GRAPHIC APPEARS AFTER
THE PREVIOUS SKETCH. LIMMY RUNS FROM
FAR AWAY IN THE DISTANCE, TOWARDS THE
CAMERA. HE HAS HIS FIST RAISED, AND HE
LOOKS UPSET LIKE A BULLIED CHILD.
HE SCREAMS.
LIMMY
Waaaaaaa!
SOME MALE CREWMEMBERS STOP LIMMY BEFORE
HE GETS TO THE CAMERA, AND USHER HIM
AWAY.
43.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
44.
161. AUDIENCE HATE - 4 OF 4.
LIMMY - BRIAN LIMOND
BRENDA MALE CREW (NS) 161
GREEN SCREEN
A LIMMY’S SHOW GRAPHIC APPEARS AFTER
THE PREVIOUS SKETCH. LIMMY WALKS IN
TOWARDS THE CAMERA, LOOKING CALM. HE
HAS HIS HAND EXTENDED FOR A HANDSHAKE.
LIMMY
Right, c’mon.
MALE CREWMEMBERS RUN OUT AND STOP HIM.
BRENDA WALKS OUT.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
It’s cool, I just want to shake his hand.
BRENDA
Limmy, just move on. This has went on long
enough.
LIMMY
I know, I just want to draw a line under it.
(To camera) I just want to draw a line under
it, mate. Shake?
BRENDA
And really, that’s it? And that’s it over?
LIMMY
Aye, that’s it. Right, mate? Shake.
BRENDA WALKS OUT OF SHOT. THE MALE
CREWMEMBERS REMAIN BETWEEN LIMMY AND
THE CAMERA, BUT MOVE WITH LIMMY TO
ALLOW HIM CLOSER.
LIMMY (CONT’D)
Shake, mate. Shake.
WHEN LIMMY GETS CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE
CAMERA, HE TURNS NASTY AND SPITS. THE
MALE CREWMEMBERS HEAVE HIM AWAY.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
161
Shooting Batch 7
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
45.
BRENDA (O.S.)
Get him away! Get him away.
LIMMY IS HEAVED OUT OF SHOT. ONLY THE
LIMMY’S SHOW GRAPHIC REMAINS.
BRENDA (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. Some of that
went on me.
PAUSE.
BRENDA (O.S.) (CONT’D)
He’s finished. He’s finished.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
162. CAR WASH SAFETY
OMITTED
28/09/10
46.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
47.
163. DEE DEE - LAUGHING COW
DEE DEE - BRIAN LIMOND
163A INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM. DAY
DEE DEE IS LYING ON THE COUCH WATCHING
TELLY.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Fuckin... I was watching the telly, right?
Watching...
THE TELLY SHOWS SOMETHING MEANINGLESS,
SUCH AS AN ARMADILLO WALKING FOLLOWED
BY SOMEONE OPENING CURTAINS.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
... nae idea. Adverts come on, and one of them
was for some cheese spread thing called The
Laughing Cow.
AN ADVERT APPEARS ON THE TELLY,
FEATURING THE LAUGHING COW LOGO, I.E. A
SMILING, CARTOON COW.
DEE DEE SMILES.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I thought “That’s funny. Imagine that. A
laughing cow”.
DEE DEE’S SMILE STARTS TO DROP SLOWLY
AS HE IMAGINES FURTHER.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
“A cow that laughs. Imagine it. Seriously.
Seriously, Dee Dee. Imagine you saw a cow that
laughed. Imagine you were walking down some
country road one night, lost, and you stopped
to see this cow wander up to the fence next to
you. And when it got there, it looked you right
in the eyes, and laughed”.
DEE DEE IS IN A HORRIFIED TRANCE. THE
ADVERT ON THE TELLY SNAPS HIM OUT OF
IT.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
163A CONTINUED:
28/09/10
48.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Anyway, it gets to the end of the advert, and
that cow’s face fills the screen. And guess
what it does.
THE COW LAUGHS. DEE DEE IS MILDLY
DISGUSTED.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
It laughs. And I thought “Right, I’m away for a
pish”
DEE DEE GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE
TOILET.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
So I gets up and heads to the toilet.
CUT TO:
163B INT. OUTSIDE DEE DEE’S TOILET. DAY
DEE DEE WALKS UP TO THE TOILET DOOR BUT
STOPS FOR A THINK.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I was just ready to walk in, and I thought
“Here, Dee Dee, how funny would it be if you
opened that door and there was that mad
laughing cow like that: hahahahaha. For no
reason science could explain, its mad face just
pure hovering about like that: hahahahaha”.
DEE DEE HAS A FLASHBACK TO THE COW ON
THE TELLY. HE TAKES A TINY STEP BACK.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I thought “Not funny at all. Cos I’d lose the
fucking plot. That would be me. All joking
aside, I think that would be me for good. That
would be me gone, man. I could try and explain
it away, just say it was a trick of the mind,
but that would be like locking the stable door
after the horse has boltit. Cos I don’t think
you come back from that kind of spectacle,
nobody does.
DEE DEE SMILES.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
163B CONTINUED:
28/09/10
49.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
I thought “C’mon, Dee Dee, take a joke, I mean
seriously, what’s the likelihood that you open
that door and...”
DEE DEE STOPS AND GETS A FLASHBACK TO
THE LAUGHING COW AD.
HE WALKS AWAY FROM THE TOILET.
DEE DEE
Naw.
CUT TO:
163C INT. DEE DEE’S LIVING ROOM
DEE DEE WALKS INTO HIS LIVING ROOM.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
Back into the living room.
DEE DEE PICKS UP AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF IRN
BRU.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
The toilet can wait. Cos for now...
DEE DEE CAN BE HEARD PISHING INTO THE
BOTTLE.
DEE DEE (V.O.)
... just isn’t worth it.
Limmy's Show 2
Shooting Batch 7
28/09/10
50.
164. ENEMIES - ANTIDOTES
JOHN - BRIAN LIMOND
MALCOLM 164
INT. POSH DRAWING ROOM. DAY
JOHN AND MALCOLM, TWO SUITED MEN, ARE
STANDING IN A GRAND OLD LIVING ROOM
DRINKING BRANDY NEXT TO A GRAND
FIREPLACE. THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER
CALMLY BUT WITH AN UNDERTONE OF
DISLIKE, LIKE JAMES BOND TALKING WITH A
BOND VILLAIN.
THEY LAUGH. JOHN RAISES HIS GLASS.
JOHN
Well, let us make a toast. To prosperity, to
happiness and, most of all, to life.
MALCOLM
To life.
THEY DRINK. A PAUSE FOLLOWS, AS JOHN
LOOKS AT MALCOLM. JOHN THEN SLOWLY
RAISES A VIAL CONTAINING A RED LIQUID.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
What’s that?
JOHN
Antidote.
MALCOLM
To what?
JOHN
The poison you just drank.
MALCOLM SLOWLY RAISES A VIAL CONTAINING
A GREEN LIQUID.
JOHN (CONT’D)
What’s that?
MALCOLM
Antidote.
JOHN
To what?
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
164
Shooting Batch 7
CONTINUED:
28/09/10
51.
MALCOLM
The poison you just drank.
THEY BOTH SLOWLY REALISE THAT THEY MUST
SWAP VIALS. THEY CLUMSILY DO SO, AND
DRINK EACH OTHER’S ANTIDOTE.
THEY LOOK RELIEVED.
UNTIL MALCOLM SLOWLY RAISES A VIAL
CONTAINING A BLUE LIQUID.
JOHN
What’s that?
MALCOLM
Antidote.
JOHN
To what?
MALCOLM
The poison you just drank.
JOHN SLOWLY RAISES AN IDENTICAL LOOKING
VIAL OF BLUE LIQUID.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
And is that...
JOHN NODS.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
To the...
JOHN NODS.
THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER’S VIALS.
NO NEED TO SWAP THIS TIME, THEY DRINK
THEIR OWN ANTIDOTES.
AFTER A PAUSE, THEY REALISE THEY’RE OUT
OF OPTIONS. THEY RAISE THEIR GLASSES.
JOHN & MALCOLM
Cheers.
(CONTINUED)
Limmy's Show 2
164
Shooting Batch 7
CONTINUED: (2)
28/09/10
THEY PUT THEIR GLASSES ON THE
MANTELPIECE WITHOUT DRINKING.
52.