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All Rights Reserved © 2016
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady
and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters showing the glamorous cruise destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the
dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and told them, "I know that on
your pension you could never hope to have a holiday like
one of these so I would like to send you off on a fabulous
ocean cruise at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to book two
flight tickets and a deluxe cabin cruise on their top cruise
liner. As can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were on
their way.
A month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how
did you like your holiday?" the travel agent asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the
ship and the cabin were lovely,"
she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me.”
“What’s that,” asked the
agent
“Who was that old guy you
sent with me?”
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I WAS NORMAL ONCE, WORST THREE MINUTES OF MY LIFE
WHOEVER IS IN CHARGE OF KEEPING ME FROM DOING DUMB THINGS IN PUBLIC TODAY IS FIRED!
DO NOT PRAY BY HEART, BUT WITH HEART
LIVING FOR THE FUTURE PUTS TODAY IN PERSPECTIVE
SELFISHNESS IS A SIN THAT SUFFOCATES OUR CAPACITY TO LOVE
AFTER TWO WEEKS IN THERAPY MY THERAPIST IS IN THERAPY
OF ALL THE POSSIBLE UTENSILS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN INVENTED TO EAT RICE WITH... HOW DID 2 STICKS WIN OUT!?
IF I WAS A MORTICIAN, I'D TIE THE SHOE LACES OF DEAD PEOPLE TOGETHER, SO IF THERE EVER WAS A ZOMBIE
APOCALYPSE
I COULD GET AWAY
I'M GONNA ASK THE FALCONS FOR SO MUCH MONEY THEY'LL HAVE TO PUT ME ON LAYAWAY - WIDE RECEIVER RANDY MOSS
WHY NOT?
 It is important to take breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 2-3 weeks.
 Apparently 'RSVP'ing back to a
wedding invitation, “maybe next
time” is not appropriate behavior.
 People tell me that I have a unique
way of lighting up a room. The police
call that arson and they call those people witnesses.
 Just before I die I am going to swallow a whole bag of
popcorn...should make the cremation
ceremony a lot more interesting.
 If you drop your phone in water your
supposed to put it in a bag of rice over
night. All I can figure out is
that the rice attracts Asian
technicians who fix
it by morning.
 42% of married people state that
their pet is a better listener than their
spouse. 84% of pets say that they’re owned
by a person that wont shut up.
 I hate it when I plan the whole day out and
then no one follows the script.
SEEK HIS WILL IN ALL YOU DO, AND HE WILL SHOW YOU WHICH PATH TO TAKE
I KNOW VICTORIA’S SECRET; SHE’S HUNGRY
* On May 19, 1715, the colony of New York
passes a law making it illegal to "gather, rake,
take up, or bring to the market, any oysters
whatsoever" between May and September.
This regulation was one of many passed in
the early days of America to help preserve certain species.
•
On May 20, 1873, San Francisco businessman Levi
Strauss and Reno, Nevada, tailor Jacob Davis are given a
patent to create work pants reinforced with metal rivets,
marking the birth of one of the world's most famous garments: blue jeans. They were originally called "waist
overalls."
•
* On May 22, 1856, Rep. Preston Brooks (D-S.C.) savagely beats Sen. Charles Sumner (R-Mass.) in the
halls of Congress as tensions rise over the expansion of slavery. Wielding the gold-topped cane
he used for injuries suffered in a duel over politics in 1840, Brooks entered the Senate chamber
and attacked Sumner at his desk.
NEVER MEASURE GOD'S UNLIMITED POWER BY YOUR LIMITED EXPECTATIONS
* On May 21, 1881, humanitarians Clara
Barton and Adolphus Solomons found the
American National Red Cross to provide humanitarian aid to victims of wars and natural
disasters.
* On May 16, 1929, the first-ever Academy
Awards ceremony is held. Some 270 people
attended, and tickets cost $5 each. After dinner, complete with
numerous speeches, actor Douglas
Fairbanks handed out 15 awards in a
five-minute ceremony.
• On May 17, 1965, after a two-year
investigation, the FBI declares the supposedly
pornographic lyrics of "Louie Louie" to be
officially unintelligible. Agents had purchased numerous versions of "Louie Louie" played and re-played the song at different
speeds in their laboratory.
•
* On May 18, 1917, six weeks after the
United States formally entered the First
World War, the U.S Congress passes
the Selective Service Act, giving
the U.S. president the power to
draft soldiers. Within months,
some 10 million men had registered.
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.
NOTHING CURES INSOMNIA LIKE AN ALARM CLOCK
GOD’S LIGHT CAME INTO THE WORLD, BUT PEOPLE LOVED THE DARKNESS MORE THAN THE LIGHT, FOR THEIR ACTIONS WERE EVIL
BIBLE TRIVIA
The first three words in the Bible are 'in the beginning'
Although not named in the New Testament, tradition names
the two thieves crucified at the same time as Jesus as Dismas
and Gestas
There are nine choirs of angels. From highest to lowest, they
are: seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominions, virtues, powers,
principalities, archangels, and angels
Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the three angels mentioned
by name in the Bible
The seven ‘archangels’ are Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel,
Chamuel, Jophiel, and Zadkiel
Sheep are the most frequently mentioned animal in the Bible
The words, ”Don’t Be Afraid” appear 365 times in the Bible
the same amount of days in the year.
Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the three
‘angels’ mentioned by name in the Bible
The Seven Deadly Sins are lust, pride,
anger, envy, sloth, avarice and
gluttony
The seven virtues are prudence,
courage, temperance, justice,
faith, hope and charity
The last word in the Bible is Amen
I WISH SOME OF MY COWORKERS WEREN'T ALLOWED IN THE BREAK ROOM. THAT'S WHO I USUALLY NEED A BREAK FROM
I WANT TO GROW MY OWN FOOD, BUT CAN'T FIND ANY BACON SEEDS
THE ONLY TYPE OF EXCERISE I ENJOY IS CHEWING
SOMETIMES GOD DOES NOT CHANGE YOUR SITUATION BECAUSE HE WANTS TO CHANGE YOUR HEART
GOD’S MERCY IS BIGGER THAN ANY OF OUR MISTAKES
AGING HAS SLOWED ME DOWN BUT IT HASN’T SHUT ME UP
MY HOUSEKEEPING STYLE IS BEST DESCRIBED BY THE PHRASE, ‘THERE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN A STRUGGLE’
I’M HAVING VISION PROBLEMS TODAY; I JUST CAN’T SEE ME DOING ANYTHING
* It was 20th-century English novelist E.M. Forster
who made the following sage observation: "We
must be willing to let go of the life we have
planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for
us."
* If you're a pogonophobe, the rise of hipsterism
in recent years is not good news -- anyone afraid
of beards isn't going to get far in public
these days without confronting one.
HOW CAN IT BE CALLED BEAUTY SLEEP WHEN I WAKE UP LIKE THIS?
* For centuries, the wrinkling of skin on fingers and toes when
they soak in water was cause for puzzlement (among those who
take the time to wonder about such things, if nobody else). Researchers believe they've found the answer: traction. Like the
treads on a tire, the wrinkles of wet skin help improve the gripping power of our extremities; for our ancestors, this made it
easier to walk and grip objects during wet seasons.
* You might be surprised to learn that immigration was not a
national issue until the late 19th century. Up until 1890, when
President Benjamin Harrison declared Ellis Island to be the first
federal immigration center, foreigners who
wanted to live in America were handled on a
state-by-state basis.
REMEMBER THAT YOU’RE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED
* John Sylvan is known as the creator of
Keurig coffee pods, used in abundance
throughout the world these days. Despite the
success of his inventions, however, he refuses to use them himself; he says that he abhors the effect the non-recyclable, nonbiodegradable pods have on the environment.
* Of all the actors who have portrayed James Bond in films
before 2015, Pierce Brosnan racked up by far the most kills per
movie. (The tally for last October's "Spectre" has not yet been
counted.)
Thought for the Day: "It is paradoxical that many educators and
parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time
for play without seeing the vital connection between them." -Leo Buscaglia
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.