Family Systems, Emotions and
Emotion Regulation, and
Narratives of Attachment
Arlene Vetere
[email protected]
Dynamic Systems
“Many of the most intense emotions arise during the
formation, the maintenance, the disruption and the
renewal of attachment relationships. The formation of a
bond is described as falling in love, maintaining a bond
as loving someone, and losing a partner as grieving over
someone. Similarly, threat of loss arouses anxiety, and
actual loss gives rise to sorrow; whilst each of these
situations is likely to arouse anger. The unchallenged
maintenance of a bond is experienced as a source of
security and the renewal of a bond as a source of joy.”
(Bowlby, 1980)
A SECURE BASE
For not only young children, it is now clear, but human
beings of all ages are found to be at their happiest
and to be able to deploy their talents to best
advantage when they are confident that, standing
behind them are one or more trusted persons who
will come to their aid should difficulties arise. The
person trusted provides a secure base from which
his (or her) companion can operate.
Bowlby, 1973
AROUSAL –
CREATIVITY
Creativity/performance
AROUSAL
JOHN BOWLBY- Attachment Theory
Developed attachment theory….
Attachment seen as a basic
instinct for protection and care
which if not met can lead to
long lasting difficulties
John Bowlby was born in London to an
upper-middle class family. Believing
that too much parental affection and
attention would spoil a child, his
parents spent only a small amount
of time with him each day. At the
age of seven he was sent to
boarding school, which he would
later describe as a traumatic
experience.
Attachment Theory – An Integrative Model
Bowlby combined ideas from:
Object Relations Theory
Evolutionary biology
Cognitive neuro-science - modalities
Systems Theory
BUT - attachment theory has experienced a
marginalisation in Family Therapy ….
ACTIVITY: EARLY
EXPERIENCES
What word or phrase best captures a key aspect of your early relationship with
your parents or caregivers?
Try to think of a memory that captures this
How do these early relationships influence you now?
How do you think they might influence your clinical practice?
What ideas about cultural issues does this raise for you? e.g. different cultural
expectations, such as caring/cared for by siblings, extended family, and so
on
THE ADULT ATTACHMENT INTERVIEW:
Narratives, Structure and Attachment
1.
Family Context/background
2.
Nature of relationships – attachment figures
3.
Attachment to parents/carers: semantic and episodic memories (5 adjectives and related episodes)
4.
Comfort – danger, threat, distress
5.
Loss and separation
6.
Abuse, abandonment
7.
Integration - Replicative and Corrective scripts
The interview resembles the structure of a narrative and a programme of
therapy. Analysis: the focus is on the PROCESS – how protective, defensive
strategies are activated and enacted as the person tells their story of their
childhood and relationships with their parents/attachment figures
THE LAYERS OF ATTACHMENT
PROCEDURAL MEMORY: memory for how we do things: embodied,
rate of talk, expressed affect, relationship with interviewer – cf.
systemic patterns / process (R)
SENSORY MEMORY: visual images, smell, touch, auditory (R)
SEMANTIC MEMORY: cognition, beliefs, attitudes (L)
EPISODIC MEMORY: narratives, stories, inter-connected
experiences (L and R )
INTEGRATIVE MEMORY: reflection, meta-cognition, on-going
monitoring of our speech and thought.. (L and R)
Right Brain – Implicit
Left Brain - Explicit
PROCEDURAL MEMORY
Jane : Intrusive.. Anxiously over protective
Procedural memory: as a child when she strayed too far from her
mother, showed independence she was punished by her
mother withdrawing and/or becoming upset
Vikki : Mocking and cruel to baby when she needs comfort
Procedural memory: When she expressed distress as a child it led
to her mother quickly abandoning or frightening her
Laura: Coldly withdrawing affection
Procedural memory: When as a child she expressed a need for
comfort it led to no response or rejection, she learnt to deny the
need
Lack of Comfort and receiving and giving of care
So if you were upset or distressed or frightened when you were young, who would
you go to?
Nobody. I wouldn’t go to anybody. The only time I ever did was once when Mum
was at work and I had to sleep in my brother’s room. I can’t remember why, and
there was a picture of me and her when we were little, cuddling, and I was only
young and I was looking at this picture and I was crying so much because I
thought because they’re older than most parents that she was going to die
really soon and I went down to Dad and he was like “ Don’t be stupid and go
back to bed”, and I had to go back to bed. And after that I didn’t bother going to
him. I would just bottle it all up and just not bother’
There were no hugs or anything or ‘my poor little girl’ or anything …… The only
time I can remember was when Dad – I told him to hold my hamster and the cat
ate him (laughing) and I was so upset. And it was the only time I’ve ever
hugged my dad, I was so upset. I hated him so much and then I really needed
him at the same time’
Claire
Exploring Patterns of Comforting
When you were upset or frightened as a child – what happened?
How did you get to feel better? Who helped you to feel better? How did
they do this?
What have you learnt from this for your own family?
What do you want to do the same?
What do you want to do differently?
How do people comfort each other in your own family/relationship?
How do you comfort your children?
How do they comfort you?
What do you want your children to learn about comforting?
Can be held as a family or couple interview or as a one-to-one conversation.
ATTACHMENT NARRATIVE THERAPY:
Steps to Constructing Safety and Resilience
Creating a secure base
Exploring Narratives and Attachments within a
Systemic Framework
Considering Alternatives
Future and Maintaining the therapeutic base
THEORETICAL PERSPECTIVES
ATTACHMENT NARRRATIVE THERAPY
Why the 3 perspectives need each other?
1.
2.
3.
Social Constructionist - Narrative
practice
Attachment Theory
Systemic Theory and practice
Persons and families in social/cultural contexts
Competencies and resiliencies
Process of Exploration in ANT
FAMILY PATTERNS /CIRCULARITIES
ATTACHMENT DYNAMICS SHAPING
CURRENT FAMILYPATTERNS
TRANS-GENERATIONAL ATTACHMENT
DYNAMICS SHAPING CURRENT FAMILY
PATTERNS AND ATTACHMENT S
AN ‘ANGRY - ADOLESCENT/MOTHER’
around in difficult moments’
MOTHER
prepares
meal
LEE –
eventually
comes
down, eats
dinner..
Usually
apologises
Pattern
continues
MUM slams
door…. Goes
downstairs
CIRCULARITY…’walking
MOTHER walks
into Lee’s room..
“Your dinner’s
ready”
WHAT IS THE
ATTACHMENT
SIGNIFICANCE
FOR THE MOTHER
AND SON ?
LEE on his
X- BOX “ I
will be down
in a minute”
MOTHER.. “
No down
now …“
LEE .. Plays
with his X
box
MOTHER –
“don’t talk to
me like that “
LEE .. “In a
minute.. F..
Off
SYSTEMIC THERAPY - patterns and
escalations
secretive
JOHN
Emotion
Attachment
PARENTS
suspicious
i.
ii.
iii.
FEEDBACK - PATTERNS are mutually maintaining
ATTACHMENT – emotional needs, attachment insecurities
may fuel the cycle
ESCALATION, e.g. polarisation of actions, beliefs and
feelings
COUPLES’ PATTERNS
PETE
(Pre-occupied/ambivalent )
MARY (Dismissing/avoidant)
ACTIONS
Suggests going
out
Intentions
Makes excuses, I’m
busy, tired
Feelings
She is rejecting me
Feels hurt, seeks
reassurance, makes more
demands
COGNITIONS
feels imposed on,
feels suffocated,
resists demands
DEVELOPMENT of ATTACHMENT
STRATEGIES
Attachment system triggered by
DANGER ! !
Each Parents’ responses to child’s fear,
distress, comfort seeking .......
shapes the child’s
attachment pattern to that parent
ATTACHMENT NEEDS - MUTUAL
PARENT (care-giving & seeking)
needs
attachment
needs
CHILD (care–seeking & giving)
Parents meet child’s needs but also child meets parents’ needs
ATTACHMENT ALWAYS TWO SIDED
Attachment always has TWO sides. Responses to
non-availability of the attachment figures:
PROTEST - anger (hope and despair)
and
VULNERABILITY – sadness (despair and hope)
One pole may be more apparent than the other, or shown in rapid
alternation.
ATTACHMENT STRATEGIES as
‘ATTEMPTED SOLUTIONS’
Secure: Parents consistently available when
needed, belief of being able to trust others,
aware that parents will be available, able to
show positive and negative feelings
Avoidant :
Parents consistently not
available when needed, belief that have to
rely on self, suppress negative/needy feelings.
Occasionally get needs met, especially by
pleasing and caring for parents. BLAME SELF
CIRCLE of SECURITY
I need you to
support my
exploration
SECURE
BASE
SAFE
HAVEN
•Protect me
•Comfort me
•Help to organise
my feelings
I need you to welcome
me
coming back to you
•Watch over
me
•Help me
•Enjoy me
Anxious – avoidant patterns miscuing
SECURE
BASE
I need comfort and
protection
I act like I
need to
explore or
to be
distant
That makes
you
uncomfortable
SAFE
HAVEN
I miscue you
ATTACHMENT STRATEGIES
Anxious/ambivalent: Parents inconsistently
available, learn that exaggerating show of
negative feelings and needs elicits care,
Occasionally get needs met by coercing parents
BLAME OTHERS
Extreme/Disorganised: Parents
inconsistent and unavailable, neither self –
reliance or coercion work to elicit care, parents
may be frightening/frightened,
Anxious – ambivalent patterns miscuing
I miscue
you
SECURE
BASE
I act like I need
comfort and
protection
SAFE
HAVEN
That makes
you
uncomfortable
or anxious
I need
support for
my
exploration
COMPLEX – disorganised
patterns
SECURE
BASE
SAFE
HAVEN
I need you but you are
so mean, weak, or
gone that I feel I have
no one turn to and do
not know what to do….
I try to cut off and/or get
anxious
ATTACHMENT AS A TRIADIC PROCESS
MOTHER
FATHER
Conflict/stress
Child also has an
attachment relationship
with the parents’ relationships
CHILD
Relationship with each parent
Pulled in to take sides
Conflict in construing relationship with each parent
Conflict in understanding impact on parent’s relationships ‘is it my
fault?’
TRIANGULATION – ‘becoming invisible’
Comforting
When you were ill or upset as a child – what happened?
Try to remember a specific instance of when you were ill or
upset
How did you get to feel better? Who helped you to feel better? How did
they do this?
What have you learnt from this in terms of how you comfort your own
children? What do you want to do the same/differently?
What do you think your own children have learnt about comforting from
you?
If it did not happen how do you imagine it might have? What difference
would it have made to you if you had been comforted?
How do you see that comforting was done in other families you have
known?
Can be held as a family or couple interview or as a one-to-one conversation.
EMPATHY, MENTALISATION, MINDFULNESS
Ability to reflect and integrate requires a secure base
Ability learnt from interaction with own parents:
Sensitivity – responds to child’s needs
Control - able to follow and lead interactions with child
Containment – parent does not :
over respond (anxious – ambivalent patterns )
under respond ( avoidant patterns )
Reflection and integration needs to involve and integrate the memory systems
Reflection involves awareness of contradiction, inconsistency between and
within memory system
TRANSITIONS and Re-Organisation of
Attachment Strategies
Family life cycle stages represent periods where change and re-organisation
of existing relationships styles and attachment strategies may be required.
This can lead to distress and conflict as well as opportunities for revision
and growth:
EXAMPLES
New baby – if mother has been employing an avoidant strategy – keeping
feelings and emotional intimacy away, this may not be workable with a new
baby requiring emotional contact, comfort and intimacy
Child starting school may need to become more independent less
anxiously/ambivalent attached ( clingy) than at home
Teenager may be driven by need for sexual intimacy to revise an avoidant
pattern
Young adult entering work/college may need to become more independent
than had been the case at home
ATTACHMENT STRATEGIES AS A CONTINUUM:
styles of protective & defensive processes
DISMISSING/DE-ACTIVATING
Learn that expressing
emotions cannot reliably elicit
comfort or caring, defensive
strategy develops of
distancing or excluding
emotions. Cognition is relied on
and can be employed to help
omit or distort emotional
information: inhibit affect,
falsify, deny physiological
discomfort and pain:
- idealise, care for others
- deny need for others
compulsive reliance on self
PRE-OCCUPIED
Learn that cannot rely on words
and cognition, inability and
failure to predict. Increasingly
rely on affective information. Split
feelings of anger and
vulnerability so display one and
suppress the other. Cognitive
defences involves passive
thinking, reducing complexity by
blaming of others and avoiding
considering own contributions,
rationalising/justifying own
actions:
- anger towards others
- anxiety and vulnerability
Anger : AVOIDANT PATTERNS
Negative feelings and their expression are inhibited
Intrusions – negative feelings, such as anger may break through
Sense of shame and failure at expression of anger
Family history - may be pattern of inhibiting anger, fear that it is
dangerous, uncontrollable
Strategies for managing the negative feelings are not developed
leading to possible pathologising of the anger - ADHD, Asperger’s ,
conduct disorder etc
Take other’s perspective – try to please, BLAME SELF
Stan and his Family
XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
Scandinavia
50
45
40
Jane
John
Per
17/18
Stan
8
6
Jane migrated to UK
Jane and Per divorced when
Stan was a baby
Deactivating strategies
around anger and its
expression
The wish to die and the wish
to live
Fear and curiosity
ACTIVITY: Stan and his Family –
Attachment Narrative Formulation
Attachment challenges for Stan
Stan’s attachment strategies
Core family dynamic – processes
Attachment dynamics shaping the family
dynamic
Trans- generational processes
Potential Interventions
Stan and Family - CIRCULARITIES AND
ATTACHMENT DYNAMICS
John –
keeps
distance
Keeps
feelings
to
himself
Leaves
parenting
to mum
Mum –
terror of
anger
Used to be
close to
mum
No one
helps me
with my
feelings
STAN. May
as well kill
myself
Suppress
my anger
STAN –
John does
not care
about me
Anger : ANXIOUS AMBIVALENT PATTERNS
Emotions – anger or vulnerability are exaggerated and used
continually, function to prompt/coerce attachment responses
Family history of escalating emotions and anger,
Explanations are reduced to attempt to manage unpredictability,
Polarised beliefs - why? ….Because he is a ‘bastard
Strategies for processing negative affect and understanding it ‘s
consequences on others is inhibited
Struggle to take other’s perspective - hold own perspective – BLAME
OTHERS for problems
Internal Working Models
Beliefs and expectations about
One’s own and other people’s behaviour
Views of the SELF – How loveable, worthy
and acceptable am I?
How available and interested are others in
me, and in caring for and looking after me?
Internal Working Models
SECURE: able to use feelings and cognitions to make sense of events
INSECURE:
AVOIDANT: Shut down and deny feelings, display of distress is expected to
annoy the caregiver so engage in pretending - put on false front – distrust
of feelings
AMBIVALENT: Expect carer to be inconsistent, not able to predict their
availability or verbal promises. Develop clingy and coercive strategies to
secure attention and caring - distrust of words
DISORGANISED/EXTREME : Carer may be confusing, frightened and/or
frightening, abusive, child finds it difficult to develop and predict a consistent
pattern – distrust of words and feelings
Implications for Therapy
Naming and regulating emotions
Standing in the emotional shoes of the other
Comforting and self soothing - healing
Information processing
Transformations in representational systems
Implications for therapy
Both the form and the content of narratives express and also construct
attachments
Re-organisation of attachments requires reflection and integration of
different representational systems
Therapy requires co-constructing a secure base – reflection and
integration requires emotional safety
Therapy requires co-presence/inter-subjectivity:
Standing in the emotional shoes of the other
Showing our connections – emotional mirroring
Jointly exploring narratives from a safe base – from excursions to
expeditions
Complex working models
and trauma
DAUGHTER
‘Mommy cleans
my teeth better’…
Insists….angry
Father hits
daughter..
Fear
Cycle repeats
Disfavoured as a child, hit by
his father…..implicit memory
of humiliations and fear
triggered
DAD
‘Daddy will do it’
insists.. .flight
fight or freeze !
I’m not a good
enough father,
broken my
promise to
myself
Symmetrical
escalation…..
Mirroring her anger….
Neurological
activation..mirror
neurones
Trans generational traumas
Victim: Child abused by parent
CHILD
Abuser: Parent acts frightened by
child – own traumas
triggered by their
interaction
Carer:
Child cares for parent
Child:
Parent cares for child
PARENT
Change and Re-Organisation:
CORRECTIVE and REPLICATIVE SCRIPTS
A cluster of narratives, intentions, feelings and actions which have
developed from our childhood experiences, what we have
LEARNED and want to apply to our own lives now. This is NOT
always conscious.
Corrective Scripts : an intention to do things differently, better
than my parents did for me as a child, or to have a different kind
of marriage than my parents did
Replicative Scripts: to repeat the things that were good about my
childhood, for example that my parents were warm and caring,
that I had discipline and was hit sometimes but I learned
respect from it…..
Corrective and Replicative Scripts
This utilises ideas from John Byng-Hall that families make comparisons across the
generations in terms of similarities and differences between how our own parents
were with each other and us (the children) and how this is repeated or altered in
the next generation.
Importantly it allows us to work in a positive frame with the family in that we may
construe the intentions of the parents positively, i.e. they have tried to repeat what
was good or correct what they felt was bad about their own experiences. This can
then lead to a discussion of whether these attempts have been successful or not,
and possibly how they might be altered, strengthened, elaborated etc.
What are your thoughts about how similar or different your relationship with each
other and your children is to your parent’s (grandparents’) relationships ?
What have you tried to make similar or different to either of these relationships?
What do you value vs feel critical about in either of your parent’s relationships?
Does what you have tried to repeat/change work? Is there anything that you want
to alter, strengthen, abandon about what you have been trying to repeat or
change?
Weekend partner,
when Margaret a
child
Claire and her Family
Margaret’s mother
depressed?
Alvin 59
Margaret 56
Claire – anorexia since 15
Margaret – affair 10 years ago
Alvin affair 13 years ago
Margaret’s mother ‘suffered in silence’
through father’s long-term affair
Claire 17
Paul 32
Darren 28
Mark 34
Alvin and Margaret quarrels for years
Alvin demands sex – Margaret ‘not
interested’
Margaret threatening to leave Alvin
AT HOME: Margaret, Alvin, Claire, Paul ( moved back for a while)
Claire studying psychology – wants to be a clinical psychologist, like her
female therapist
ANOREXIC FAMILY CIRCULARITY
CLAIRE –
upset
withdraws,
apologises,
cries
Pattern
continues
FATHER and
MOTHER
disagree, show
tension with
each other..
MOTHER
prepares
and offers
meal
CLAIRE - ‘fussy’,
resists eating
WHAT IS THE
ATTACHMENT
SIGNIFICANCE
FOR CLAIRE,
MOTHER and
FATHER?
MOTHER..
Encourages
her to eat
Claire resists
more
MOTHER –
upset,
withdraws
CLAIRE – resists
further, picks at
her food
FATHER –
keeps quiet, or
offers rational
reasons
Lack of Comfort and receiving and giving of care
So if you were upset or distressed or frightened when you were young, who would
you go to?
Nobody. I wouldn’t go to anybody. The only time I ever did was once when Mum
was at work and I had to sleep in my brother’s room. I can’t remember why, and
there was a picture of me and her when we were little, cuddling, and I was only
young and I was looking at this picture and I was crying so much because I
thought because they’re older than most parents that she was going to die
really soon and I went down to Dad and he was like “ Don’t be stupid and go
back to bed”, and I had to go back to bed. And after that I didn’t bother going to
him. I would just bottle it all up and just not bother’
There were no hugs or anything or ‘my poor little girl’ or anything …… The only
time I can remember was when Dad – I told him to hold my hamster and the cat
ate him (laughing) and I was so upset. And it was the only time I’ve ever
hugged my dad, I was so upset. I hated him so much and then I really needed
him at the same time’
Claire
Lack of Comfort and receiving and giving of care
If you were distressed or hurt or afraid how was it dealt with?
Margaret: ….I’d probably try to deal with it myself I think because I don’t like um…
attention, I don’t like people to feel sorry for me or anything like that
And as a child, can you remember who you would go to or what you would do?
Margaret: I don’t think there was anybody I went to, no.
If you were particularly distressed or afraid how was it dealt with?
Alvin: I don’t remember being afraid…..I was once ill. I’d eaten something from a
mussel which poisoned me. I remember we had this old grate fire and if I got
chicken pox she’d bring the bed down and put us all in it so we’d all get it,
which seemed a crazy idea but it is probably the best in the long run
Alvin: ‘It wasn’t an affectionate relationship. I can’t remember the touchy-feely side
of my mum. My father was like that. He loved to put his arm around you and
tickle you. In fact, I remember he used to chase me with a wet flannel.
Um……....I just can’t remember her cuddling me. I remember me cuddling her
basically.
TRIANGULATION
They used to really hurt me because they used to play each other
off…And they would be like “ Go on tell me all the bad stuff
about the other one”. And I used to sit there and think to myself
I am made up of half of each of these people and they hate
each other and do they hate me? That used to play on my mind
for ages when I was really young and that was the limit of my
thought, I didn’t analyse it further’
They used to hate each other so much I always used to be so
scared that one of them would do something stupid and I would
come home and, I used to hate coming home just in case
something happened. And they’ve both got the worst tempers,
even dad…dad’s is rarely seen but it is really bad….’
Claire
ATTEMPTED SOLUTIONS
‘I worked out that crying doesn’t work. No matter
how hard I cried it never worked. Nothing ever
changed and I became very good at just crying on
the spot but it didn’t do anything so it ( anorexia)
is just another way of crying…..
I used to cry so much. There used never to be a day
I didn’t cry and then I think now I guess I use
food. ……..You can’t control emotions but I can
control food and if all my thoughts are full of food
and weight and stuff it doesn’t leave much space
for emotions
Claire
ANOREXIA as A SOLUTION
The only thing I ever hear them talking
about is me and if I didn’t have this
[anorexia] its kind of like, would everything
fall apart, at least its keeping them talking.
And they won’t argue while I’ve got this
because it might make me worse. So
um...that’s kind of bought, sort of like, I’m
not in control as such but I’ve got more
control over the situation that way.
NARRATIVES
NARRATIVE - experience is organised over time by description of events
and their meanings in a connected form. Like a story, a narrative usually has
a beginning,
a middle and an end. They serve to make sense of
experience for self and others so that they typically are used to explain and
justify actions.
SELECTIVITY - narratives not only depict but select some events, they
shape perception and memory.
DIFFERENCE - narratives revolve around difference and contrast, e.g..
between problem-saturated narrative and a problem-free narrative.
SELF - a central feature of our narrative is the construction that we evolve
about our self in relation to others: how we prefer to be seen vs. how we are
seen.
DYSJUNCTION - the larger the difference between preferred and actual
narratives about the self, the greater the distress we experience.
NARRATIVEs - STRUCTURE
ORIENTATION: scene-setting, provides a context for the story, introduces main characters, locates
the story in a specific temporal, social and personal context.
STRUCTURE: a casually related set of events logically connected over time, usually in the form of:
an initial event
internal response (though, feeling, plan, goal)
external response (carry out a plan, reach a goal, resolve emotional imbalance, remedy a crisis)
AFFECT: an evaluation of the events, including emotions and feelings, either explicitly or implicitly
through voice tone, gesture, etc. Use of tension, drama, anger humour, pathos to communicate or
emphasise evaluative points.
INTEGRATION: a synthesis - integration of the events and meanings and feelings expressed. The
events make sense within the context of the larger life story. Discrepancies, ambiguities,
complexities and contradictions may be noted, commented on, used to indicate suspense, conflict
and growth but the narrative tries to reconcile these so there is a ‘point’ to the story, it adds up to
something.
CULTURAL: awareness of shared cultural norms, conventions of ‘significant’ life events, key
transitions, timings of transitions and common meanings allocated to change. Not necessarily bland
acceptance of cultural conventions but an awareness of cultural landscapes and abilities to locate
one’s story within these.
ACTIVITY: Excerpts from Transcripts
DANGERS: Key events. What appear to be have been some of the dangers in the
people’s lives?
Structure – how well ordered is the interview, relationship with interviewer?
Imagery – what visual, sensory material is there?
Semantic – what are the concepts, generalisations about relationships made?
Episodes – what are the stories told, how coherent are these?
Integration – how is material from the above brought together, what evidence is
there of insight, reflection on self and others
Engagement and therapy
How would you position yourself, approach, think about , feel about , fantasise
about starting to work with this person ?
Janet
I would like you to describe the relationship with your parents when you were a child:
As early as I can remember, I didn’t have a very good relationship with my mother, I always had as feeling of – I was
embarrassed, I was ashamed. I had a bowel problem. They told mum I was dead when I was about 3 months old
and so they did Xrays and it wasn’t until years later that they realised that it had done damage to my bowel. It was
deformed. No one realised and they thought that I was a lazy little girl or something when I couldn’t control my
bowels and I’d come in from outside playing and I would have pood my pants and she thought I was too lazy to
come in. It was still like that when I went to school. School was very traumatic. I grew up one of those children who
hated kids. I hated other children. I loved animals but I hated kids. “Janet, Janet the dirty old watermelon” was
what I got. I’m laughing now but it wasn’t funny then. Mum used to wash me in the trough and things like that.
Perhaps I could understand now but I couldn’t then. I think now , Well dad worked away from home a lot… He
had his own business. He was up North a lot. She was mother and father to us three girls and the pressure was on
her. She was only 33 or something. She would have got frustrated especially when there was nothing wrong
physically with me. She used to say “ Why do you do it?” and I used to say “ I can’t help it. I can’t help it”. She
thought I was lazy. Dad I always had a good relationship with. He was my idol. I was one of those kids who was
going to marry me dad.
..Changes in your relationship with your parents. What has happened over the years with mum?
Well, in my early 20s all this sort of came back to me. I worked in a psychiatric hospital too – that made a lot of
difference. I saw a lot of different people from different families and what had happened to them – most much,
much worse than mine. Mine was nothing compared to these people. Just trying to understand where she was
coming from. Was this woman as bad as I thought she was or as I have portrayed her? She can’t be. She is my
mother. I had to dig around a little and figure things out. My mother would say “We never had that” and I would say
“Why not? How come?” and she never likes to talk about her past. Even now she won’t. But I had to tell her how I
felt and since then we have become closer. I still don’t want to live with her. We have the real opposite
personalities. I love her and she loves me but we couldn’t live together but we are close.
RE – STORYING ACROSS ATTACHMENT
PATTERNS
1.
Consider Janet’s story: How could it be told from:
(i) a dismissing orientation
(ii) from a pre-occupied orientation
2.
Consider a narrative from a client or someone you know, or
yourself and consider how it could be told from:
secure; dismissing; pre-occupied orientations
Change and Re-Organisation:
Triangulation
MOTHER
FATHER
Conflict/stress
Child also has an
attachment relationship
with the parents’ relationships
CHILD
Relationship with each parent
Pulled in to take sides
Conflict in construing relationship with each parent
Conflict in understanding impact on parent’s relationships ‘is it my
fault?’
Exploring Patterns of Comforting
When you were upset or frightened as a child – what happened?
How did you get to feel better? Who helped you to feel better? How did
they do this?
What have you learnt from this for your own family?
What do you want to do the same?
What do you want to do differently?
How do people comfort each other in your own family/relationship?
How do you comfort your children?
How do they comfort you?
What do you want your children to learn about comforting?
Can be held as a family or couple interview or as a one-to-one conversation.
EMOTIONAL SCULPTING
Sculpting with family members, sculpting with objects (coins,
buttons, stones, figures etc ) …
PROMPT QUESTIONS (can use direct or circular questions…)
Map the current attachment patterns, relationships – who looks
after who etc.
How does it feel to be at the centre, on the edge, between your
parents?
Now that you and your brother are closer how does that make
you feel?
If you were to get closer to your mother what would that be like?
How do you think your sister feels being that distant from your
father?
Corrective and Replicative Scripts
This utilises ideas from John Byng-Hall that families make comparisons across the
generations in terms of similarities and differences between how our own parents
were with each other and us (the children) and how this is repeated or altered in
the next generation.
Importantly it allows us to work in a positive frame with the family in that we may
construe the intentions of the parents positively, i.e. they have tried to repeat what
was good or correct what they felt was bad about their own experiences. This can
then lead to a discussion of whether these attempts have been successful or not,
and possibly how they might be altered, strengthened, elaborated etc.
What are your thoughts about how similar or different your relationship with each
other and your children is to your parent’s (grandparents’) relationships ?
What have you tried to make similar or different to either of these relationships?
What do you value vs feel critical about in either of your parent’s relationships?
Does what you have tried to repeat/change work? Is there anything that you want
to alter, strengthen, abandon about what you have been trying to repeat or
change?
CORRECTIVE
and REPLICATIVE SCRIPTS
Look at it this way father, if they’re going to rebel against their upbringing you may as well bring them up the wrong way ?!
Suggested Reading:
Dallos, R. (2005) Attachment Narrative Therapy. Maidenhead: OU Press
Dallos, R. and Vetere, A. (2009) Systemic therapy and Attachment
Narratives; Applications in a range of clinical settings. London:
Routledge
Dallos, R. and Vetere, A. (2010) Emotions, Attachments and Systems.
Context, 107, 8-10
Hooper, P..... Marvin, R. (2014) The Circle of Security, New York:
Guildford Press
Vetere, A. and Dallos, R. (2008) Systemic therapy and attachment
narratives. Journal of Family Therapy, 30, 374-385